- 2 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I'm just trying to pay this really high water bill right now so we didn't want to disturb you
00:27that's why we invented this okay come in take whatever you want sorry hey hey where are my ribs
00:49those were your ribs
00:58I'm sorry they were only boiled
01:04I hadn't even barbecued them yet
01:07oh I dipped them in some maple syrup they're fantastic
01:11oh I'm sensing from the look on your face that those were important ribs no it's cool I was just
01:19gonna bring a couple to work so the head chef of the restaurant could taste my recipe and the rest
01:23were for when the guys come over to watch the game you ate all those ribs by yourself
01:27cravings have gotten out of control lately I only ate a couple ribs and then the baby was like eat
01:33the ball it's cool it's not cool with me as soon as that baby's born it owes me a rack of ribs
01:40okay a little higher because you're freaking me out
01:44it's so peaceful here no giant utensils
01:52no 22 year olds taking 45 minute showers running up my water bill
01:59no dares contest challenges related to the tushy
02:03it's calm peaceful me time
02:08still more relaxed than I am at home
02:16this thing was way cheap on craigslist
02:21this is a used toilet
02:24I mean this thing is low flow super green
02:29every time you flush it a spotted owl sings we are the champions
02:34yeah wait a minute now shut up and open the door
02:36oh no
02:38hello
02:41hey I'm sorry to bother you but I locked myself out of the apartment and I need to get my chef's coat
02:46and I'm already late
02:47I'm in the middle of something
02:49can you please bring me the key I'll meet you downstairs I just don't want to get fired
02:55okay I'll be right there bye
02:58I gotta go
03:00you can't leave now I only did one side
03:03well at least it's my good side
03:05she's on her way
03:08oh here you go I'm done with this section
03:12so you left halfway through your waxing and now it looks like a seven
03:22or from my point of view an L
03:25and the really great part is I can't get another appointment until next week
03:30oh well
03:32no one's gonna see you anyway
03:34I finally had time to myself and I got ruined by my living man child
03:40he was so cute when he first moved in
03:43now he's just an annoying roommate who
03:45happened to give me the gift of life
03:48I'm so happy
03:51hey gorgeous
03:53honeymoon over
03:54nope
03:55everything's fine
03:56I'm happy
03:56see
03:57I'm smiling
03:57hey you know when we were going out I used to talk about getting a place in Napa
04:02well I finally decided to do it
04:03oh goody
04:04I've narrowed it down to two places
04:06both of them have small vineyards
04:08so the question is
04:09red or white
04:12just do what I do with skirts
04:15just buy them both and return the one that makes your ass look big
04:17yes I know
04:20rich guy asking for advice on buying a vineyard
04:23easy target
04:23but you know why I can laugh with you
04:25because at the end of this
04:26I'm gonna own a vineyard
04:28I remember the days when my biggest problem was listening to my successful gorgeous boyfriend
04:37prattle on about things no one relates to
04:39I was jealous of you then
04:42no
04:43not so much
04:44oh
05:04oh
05:04oh
05:05turn the light on
05:07okay okay
05:08get out
05:12what the hell was that about
05:23I'm sorry
05:24I'm sorry
05:24I thought you were sleeping in your bed
05:25the pillows were arranged in a very billy-like way
05:27and I thought they were breathing
05:28I swear the pillows were breathing
05:29why were you even in my bathroom to begin with
05:33mine's not working
05:35it's in transition
05:37holy crap
05:42I wanted to install a low-flow toilet because of the water bill
05:49did I know you were doing this
05:51no because I wanted to surprise you
05:53so
05:53surprise
05:54why isn't the toilet where the hole is
05:58I don't want to get into complicated plumbing terms right now
06:00but it turns out I just don't know how to install a toilet
06:02this is just it
06:08I mean
06:09there are boundaries
06:10and not peeing on me is one of them I think
06:13you know
06:15when I lived with Davis
06:16it wasn't such an uptight atmosphere
06:18I'm not uptight
06:19you peed on me
06:21I would just like to point out that when you ate my ribs
06:25I was cool about it
06:26and you were all
06:26oh those were your ribs
06:27give me a break
06:28what do you think put them in there
06:30the rib fairy
06:31those ribs are so freaking important
06:33why don't you put a post-it note on it
06:34say important ribs
06:36do not eat
06:36because I don't know where you keep the post-its
06:39shut up
06:43okay wow
06:45ooh there are pink ones
06:47yellow ones
06:48and oh this one's shaped like a pumpkin for Halloween
06:50and there's your extra key
06:53oh look what I found
06:55a fugitive rib
06:56it escaped
06:57the luckiest rib in the world
06:58what I was trying to say before
07:00where you had your sarcasm party
07:02is if this happened with Davis
07:03my not make a big deal out of everything friend
07:05we would laugh
07:06we would tell law first
07:09we're not animals
07:10but then we would laugh
07:11it would be a funny story for years to come
07:13oh
07:13I can laugh
07:14ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
07:16oh
07:17good times bro
07:19yeah okay
07:19ha ha ha ha ha
07:20what I still really have to pee
07:29use your floor hole
07:33you peed on her
07:39like I was putting out a fire
07:43then we got in this big fight
07:52oh my
07:52and I said some things my friends
07:54things I regret
07:55but which were also kind of funny
07:57but she deserved it
07:59she knew those were my ribs
08:00and she ate them anyway
08:01and she ate our ribs
08:03and this is how I find out
08:04oh it is on
08:06yeah
08:08what can we do
08:08how can we get her back
08:09what of hers can we eat
08:11does she have a cat
08:12or something like a cat
08:13crazy thing is
08:16it all started with me
08:17just trying to help her out
08:17instead I just pissed her off
08:19I don't know man
08:20maybe you made her so mad
08:21she's gonna cut you out of her life
08:22she wouldn't do that
08:23could happen man
08:25then you know
08:26your baby grows up
08:26and you don't know her
08:27then one night
08:28you randomly hook up
08:29with her in Vegas
08:30then you put it together
08:32the next morning
08:32you're like
08:33eww
08:33I just made out
08:34with my hot baby
08:35ah
08:36he looks like
08:37Oedipus Rex
08:38all over again
08:38you know what
08:41I need to go back
08:41and smooth things over
08:42fix the toilet
08:43and by the time
08:43the game starts
08:44it'll be like
08:44nothing ever happened
08:46you peed on her
08:48ladies
08:51oh so
08:52what's the latest
08:53with the vineyard
08:53well I went with
08:55white wine
08:55because it hit me
08:56I enjoy fish
08:57and chicken
08:57but then it turns out
08:59that the vineyard
09:00is infested with these
09:01bugs that spread
09:01Pierce's disease
09:02it's like herpes
09:04for grapes
09:04are none of
09:06God's creatures spared
09:07but I don't mean
09:10to bore you
09:10with my little problems
09:11I miss your problems
09:13and I miss you
09:14helping me solve them
09:15life is so much
09:18simpler with games
09:19we only saw each other
09:20on the weekends
09:21from many different angles
09:22something he did
09:24annoyed me
09:25Sunday night
09:25would come so fast
09:26I'd be like
09:26ah forget it
09:27I would just push
09:28my problems down
09:28underneath my other stuff
09:29you know
09:30deep inside
09:31all healthy like
09:32you're just feeling
09:35nostalgic about him
09:36because you had
09:36a fight with Zach
09:37and I don't see
09:38why you're so upset
09:39about it
09:39that's normal
09:40in a relationship
09:41there's nothing normal
09:43about what I'm in
09:44did you tell her
09:46about my half a wax
09:47I don't talk to her
09:48unless you're here
09:49just tell us
09:56what happened
09:56with Zach
09:57Zach peed on me
09:59is that a metaphor
10:03like he peed
10:04on your dreams
10:05nope
10:06he actually peed
10:08on me
10:08well that needs
10:09to be consensual
10:10how did that
10:13even happen
10:14he was trying
10:15to install
10:16this low flow
10:17toilet he bought
10:18because he takes
10:18such long showers
10:19and our water bill
10:21is big
10:21so he was being
10:23thoughtful
10:23not the way
10:25I'm saying it
10:26okay okay
10:28I think I see
10:28what's going on here
10:29fantastic
10:30you are totally
10:32and utterly wrong
10:33now we're on to something
10:35I mean
10:36most of the times
10:37when Nick and I fight
10:38things look to me
10:38like they're Nick's fault
10:39but then it turns out
10:41I was the one
10:42who started the grease fire
10:43and left for blotties
10:44who wants makeup ribs
10:53I heard makeup
10:56and I was like
10:57not me
10:57then I heard ribs
10:58and I was like
10:59me
10:59what is that potato salad
11:02half a gallon
11:04yeah my baby next
11:05that was really cool of you
11:11look our living situation
11:14is going to take
11:15some getting used to
11:16you know
11:17I mean
11:17there's our age difference
11:18and you're a guy
11:19and I'm a girl
11:20we have different perspectives
11:20and you know
11:23when I thought about
11:25everything that happened
11:25there is a possibility
11:28that you were just
11:29being sweet
11:30and I was overreacting
11:32so I'm sorry
11:36me too
11:37come on
11:38I want to show you something
11:39let's finish this
11:41before they get back
11:42she's a little loud
11:49but she only uses
11:501.6 gallons per flush
11:52I don't know how that compares
11:54but
11:55the guy's never gotten me
11:56a toilet before
11:57thank you
11:59it has to cycle once or twice
12:05but in the end
12:06it saves a lot of money
12:07let her go
12:09the guy who sold it to me
12:12said it could suck down
12:13a squirrel
12:13great
12:15the potato salad
12:19works on pizza
12:20of course it does
12:22hey we're going to watch
12:25the game if you want
12:26to join us
12:26sounds like a wonderful
12:28idea
12:28so what's the score
12:317-7
12:33what did I miss
12:38something funny
12:39nope
12:40just a funny score
12:41what's so funny
12:45about 7
12:467
13:01you saw
13:04and you told them
13:05that your putting green
13:08looks like a 7
13:09dude was that not
13:18public knowledge
13:19you saw that
13:27and you told your buddies
13:29about it
13:29did you know
13:30that the reason
13:31I have a 7
13:32down there
13:32in the first place
13:33is because
13:33you don't know
13:34how a key works
13:35if that's what
13:38caused your 7
13:39then I don't know
13:40how a key works
13:40either
13:41you know
13:45I thought you and I
13:46were becoming friends
13:47I mean Davis and Ryan
13:48don't care if I say
13:49stuff about them
13:49like Davis has an
13:50unusually long uvula
13:51or Ryan sleeps
13:52with a body pillow
13:53dude
13:53I like to cuddle
13:57you know
14:00I take it back
14:01I take back
14:02what I said before
14:02I wasn't overreacting
14:04this is humiliating
14:06yeah but this is how
14:07me and my friends
14:08are with each other
14:09awful for you
14:10well if you don't like it
14:11then we'll just leave
14:12maybe you should
14:13fine come on guys
14:14let's get out of here
14:15I said come on guys
14:22let's get out of here
14:23don't you dare take
14:27that bowl
14:27thank you for a lovely
14:29evening
14:29hey rich guy
14:50how's the vineyard
14:52coming
14:52oh I sold it
14:53to the guy that runs
14:54the Sacramento Ledger
14:55sucker
14:56you know I realized
14:58something you and I
15:00never fought when we
15:00were together
15:01no we didn't
15:03except for that
15:03last really big one
15:04oh don't remind me
15:06I want to get married
15:07do you think it was
15:11a mistake though
15:12that we never fought
15:13because a lot of people
15:14say it promotes intimacy
15:15I try not to fight
15:17I've got two simple
15:18rules that I live by
15:19keep all my blood
15:21inside my body
15:21and have as many
15:22orgasms as possible
15:23and anyone who's doing
15:25anything else is doing
15:26it wrong
15:27because at the end of
15:28the day we're really
15:29all along
15:31you gotta look out
15:32for number one
15:32I don't think I heard
15:35this speech when we
15:36were together
15:36there's a reason for
15:39that
15:39I don't want to bust
15:42your theory but you
15:43know there's a lot of
15:44people who don't want
15:45to be alone
15:45it's just that being
15:48with someone else takes
15:49a lot of work you know
15:50clearly I don't
15:52but for the record
15:56I'm rooting for you
15:58so back to the van
16:05she only gets three
16:07miles per gallon
16:08but she's not pregnant
16:09and she's not a pain
16:10in my ass
16:11dude when you stormed
16:14out of her place earlier
16:15why didn't you just
16:15move back in with me
16:16I don't know I didn't
16:17really think about it
16:18man you spend like
16:2024 hours a day together
16:22that's like 12 tops
16:25dude I'm freaking out
16:28you have no idea
16:29and it's it's not just
16:30the baby I mean I've
16:31never lived with a woman
16:32before I'm flipping out
16:33I'm sorry dude I don't
16:34mean to pile on
16:35listen no matter how
16:37much I ignore you
16:38or abuse you
16:39or make fun of you
16:40to your face
16:41you're my best friend
16:43best friends are like
16:44supreme court appointments
16:45you can't lose that job
16:46until you retire or die
16:47sweet man
16:49a job you cannot
16:50get fired from
16:51that is tailor made
16:53for moi
16:53well you know what
16:57if it doesn't work out
16:57with these new people
16:58you've always got a
17:00warm bed at Shea Davis
17:01thanks man
17:02that means a lot
17:03so can I stay
17:06at your place tonight
17:06no
17:07you know Ryan's
17:09brothers are in town
17:10I don't even think
17:11I'm staying at my place
17:12tonight
17:12crap where am I
17:14staying tonight
17:14ribs
17:17ribs
17:17ribs
17:18ribs
17:19ribs
17:19oh my god
17:22you just kicked
17:24you did it again
17:27you like ribs
17:29or you hate ribs
17:31baby's first opinion
17:34Zach it's me
17:43the most incredible
17:50thing happened
17:51you used it in the
17:53toilet
17:53the baby kicked
17:56wait what
17:57come here
17:58don't feel anything
18:01wait wait
18:02have to be eating a rib
18:04I think
18:05ooh
18:08he loves ribs
18:09or hates them
18:11we don't know
18:13we don't know
18:13that's the most
18:15amazing thing
18:16and I almost miss
18:18it
18:18look I'm sorry
18:22I shouldn't have
18:23told the guys
18:24about your
18:24seven
18:25it was just
18:27really funny
18:27yeah
18:30yeah
18:30from my point of view
18:33it looks like an owl
18:34look you know
18:39I just want to be a
18:40help
18:40and if I'm not
18:41then what am I
18:42doing
18:42you are getting me
18:46through this
18:47and I realize
18:49it doesn't look like
18:50I'm having fun
18:51but I'm having fun
18:53I gotta say
18:55you're sexy
18:56when you get mad
18:57this vein pops out
18:58in your forehead
18:59and your arms shake
18:59and your boobs
19:00kind of get into it
19:01wait you're staring
19:03at my boobs
19:04even when I'm mad
19:05I'm a guy
19:06doing it right now
19:08okay
19:11so um
19:14friends
19:16friends
19:18let's go home
19:23yes
19:25go home
19:26okay
19:36feet up
19:37let's check under the hood
19:39make sure everything's
19:40still like the pictures
19:41and the books
19:41are studied in med school
19:42oh my god
19:46what
19:47is everything okay
19:48uh
19:49yeah
19:49you know you got
19:50a seven down here
19:51I forgot
19:57I had this waxing
19:58appointment
19:58and then
19:59no need to explain
20:00you're talking to a doctor
20:01okay
20:01I've seen thousands
20:02of patients
20:03I'm a professional
20:04I'm a professional
20:04I'm a professional
20:05I'm a professional
20:05I'm a professional
20:06I'm a professional
20:06I'm a professional
20:07I'm a professional
20:07I'm a professional
20:08I'm a professional
20:08I'm a professional
20:09I'm a professional
20:09I'm a professional
20:10I'm a professional
20:10I'm a professional
20:11I'm a professional
20:11I'm a professional
20:12I'm a professional
20:12I'm a professional
20:13I'm a professional
20:13I'm a professional
20:14I'm a professional
20:14I'm a professional
20:15I'm a professional
20:15I'm a professional
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