- 6 weeks ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00So, if there was, like, a beauty contest for uteruses, mine would win, right?
00:06I also think it would win Miss Congeniality.
00:10I said your uterus was perfectly healthy.
00:14I heard perfect.
00:16Did you two sign up for that baby care class?
00:18Yeah, but because of our work schedules, I can only go during the day, and she can only go at night.
00:23It's almost as if we didn't think this whole hooking up in a bar and not using a condom thing through.
00:28We're looking forward to it.
00:30No, no other guys I hang out with are having the babies, and, you know, I'm hoping to meet some other dads and maybe hang out.
00:35Zach, I'm a gynecologist. Unless this ends with something weird on somebody's vagina, I can't help you.
00:42You see that?
00:45This doesn't look like any weed pharmacy I've been to.
00:52It's a parenting class. I lied to get you to come with me.
00:55I was thinking this is the strangest selection of bongs I've ever seen in my life.
01:00So our mission is to find you another dad to connect with.
01:05A compadre.
01:08Get it?
01:10Padre.
01:12Whatever, dude. I thought I'd be stoned by now.
01:17Hey, what about belted shorts guy?
01:19It's kind of like hitting on chicks at a bar.
01:21I mean, what am I supposed to say to him?
01:22All my best pickup lines have the word hot in them.
01:24I'm just saying, where'd you get that hot braided belt, man?
01:28So when the topical hair solution didn't work, I went with the pills.
01:31But now I'm growing boobs and I can't get an erection.
01:35At least you got that hot belt.
01:38I can't be anything without you.
01:48So, two regulars and a decaf.
01:51Actually, mine was a regular, too.
01:53Really?
01:56Do you know what caffeine can do to a baby in the womb?
01:58Make someone have a cigarette?
02:01No?
02:04Okay.
02:05Well, thank you, Dr. Coffey.
02:07I didn't see your stethoscope underneath your apron there.
02:11My doctor says I'm allowed to have one cup of coffee a day.
02:16You know, I hate to mention it, but caffeine...
02:19Nothing.
02:20Down for the baby.
02:22Sorry.
02:24All I'm saying is that it's Billy's body and it's a shame the way people are treating her.
02:28Hey!
02:29Maybe a journalist who has a column in San Francisco's second most popular paper
02:33can write a searing expose on how society imposes its beliefs upon the pregnant.
02:37Well, you mean me.
02:40Abby.
02:41You are about to be very excited.
02:43Yay!
02:46Yeah!
02:46Help me out!
02:47What?
02:47Give yourself somewhere to go.
02:51I signed up for baby...
02:53Oh!
02:56Baby care classes and I want you to go with me.
02:58Yay!
02:59Wait, when is it?
03:00Tonight.
03:01Oh, wait a minute.
03:02Tonight I have my pole dancing class.
03:05But I can go to that another time.
03:07Yay!
03:11No, I don't have a wife, but I got pregnant with this girl and we're not dating.
03:15But I want to be a good dad and I'm a little nervous and I just want to make sure we're
03:18as prepared as possible.
03:20Aww!
03:20Aww!
03:23Okay, everybody, let's take a little break.
03:27I'm gay, but you are adorable.
03:31I'm Tony.
03:32Hi.
03:32And this is my girlfriend, Dani.
03:34Oh, nice to meet you.
03:35Hi, Dani.
03:35Hi.
03:37So, lesbians, huh?
03:41How great are boobs?
03:44Well, her boobs are fantastic.
03:46I mean, they're incredible.
03:47You just want to get in there.
03:48She's talking about her boobs.
03:51We're interrupting her.
03:53So, boobs, go on.
03:55Check out the rack on the candy striper by the donut table.
03:58Dani, please, you're a married woman.
04:00You want to grab a bear claw and see if we can look down the candy striper shirt?
04:04I would answer that, except all the blood has rushed out of my head.
04:08Excuse me.
04:10I like your wife.
04:12Uh, lady husband.
04:13Girlfriend.
04:14Help me.
04:14Duh.
04:16Yeah, I like her, too.
04:17So, uh, what do you think of the class?
04:19Uh, it's kind of frustrating.
04:21You know, none of my friends are having babies.
04:23They're all having guitar hero marathons, hangovers, and herpes scares.
04:26Uh, I was kind of hoping to come here and find a cool dad-to-be to hang out with, but I don't think I really fit in here.
04:33I tried to, you know, make a conversation with Shorts Guy.
04:36Oh, Shorts Guy is such a tool.
04:39I know.
04:39I love your girlfriend.
04:41She's lesbian me.
04:44Why can't all girls be lesbians?
04:46Oh, wait a minute.
04:47Holy crap!
04:57Is that for the expose?
04:58Yes.
04:59I have gone undercover.
05:02And I've got to say, I feel for you.
05:04It is so eye-opening, the way people try and stop you doing all the things that you love just because you're pregnant.
05:09I mean, I can't even buy a packet of cigarettes without getting a dirty look.
05:15Oh, God, I miss Europe.
05:19James, I have not yet been reimbursed from when I went to cover the Toronto Film Festival.
05:22And you won't be.
05:23The newspaper business is dying, Billy.
05:26We are all rats on a sinking ship.
05:30As soon as I get back from my vacation in Tahoe, I'll talk to someone in accounting.
05:34I think someone is down there still.
05:37All right, boss.
05:38Wow.
05:39You too.
05:41I really don't pay any attention.
05:45So, for the purposes of my article, is it okay if I come to that class with you?
05:49Okay.
05:50God, it looks so real.
05:53I think I just felt something kick.
05:55Oh, I had the chicken curry for lunch.
06:05Mind your own business, fatty.
06:11Condemning a pregnant woman for taking a wee nip to calm the baby's nerves.
06:16Can you believe the double standard?
06:19I think that's just the standard.
06:23Oh, my God.
06:24I am so glad that you brought me here.
06:26This was the type of thing that I was so looking forward to ever since I found out you were pregnant.
06:31Me too.
06:32It's my childhood dream.
06:34Me.
06:35I'm married.
06:36Pregnant.
06:37Parked in a physician's spot, hoping I don't get towed.
06:40But with my sister by my side, making sure everything is going to be okay.
06:44All right, everyone.
06:45Time to pick out our babies.
06:47Dibs!
06:48Dibs!
06:50I just mean dibs.
06:56These hot diapers are great.
06:59I'm done.
06:59Baby's down.
07:01It's not a contest.
07:02I know, but baby's down.
07:05Excellent job.
07:07Yay!
07:08How's it coming?
07:09My baby will be potty trained very early.
07:17You've put a diaper on the baby's head.
07:19It's a bandana.
07:21No, he looks badass.
07:22This is so much fun.
07:30This is way better than pole dancing class.
07:33Yeah, you're doing great.
07:35A lot better at it than I am.
07:37Have you noticed that?
07:39Have you noticed that happening?
07:41No.
07:42Could you?
07:44Could you start to?
07:46You look mad.
07:48I'm not.
07:49I'm just frustrated that you seem to be enjoying the fact that you're doing better than me at this.
07:54That is not true.
07:56I am here to support you.
07:58Who'd like to be the first one to take a shot at swaddling?
08:01Me!
08:05You know, I was kind of hoping to bond with some of the cool guys in the class,
08:09but they'd totally shut me out of their chunky dad clique.
08:13I don't think they were thrilled with how much hair I have
08:15or the ease with which I can get an erection.
08:17Not my favorite thing either, dude.
08:24I think Billy's home.
08:32Do you think she's mad at me?
08:33Could you do anything?
08:35Lots of things.
08:37I'm eating her cereal right now.
08:41What the hell was that?
08:42I turned around and you were gone.
08:43I almost dropped Daisy.
08:45Sweet, it's not you.
08:48I left because what was the point in me being there?
08:51That class was just for you, wasn't it?
08:54What are you talking about?
08:56You were totally showing me up.
08:58I mean, how'd you get so good at this baby stuff anyway?
09:00What are you, hanging out at family restrooms taking notes?
09:03Diapering chimps at the zoo?
09:07What are you trying to prove?
09:10I wasn't trying to prove anything.
09:12I was trying to help you.
09:14You're welcome.
09:15And you were loving watching me struggle.
09:18I have to pee.
09:24Do it in the sink.
09:28You just can't stand to see me be better than you at anything.
09:32I always wondered what it would be like if I was better at something than you.
09:36And now I know.
09:37You're so gracious.
09:39You got the good hair, the glamorous job, and the baby on the way.
09:43But do I explode in your face with resentment?
09:45No.
09:46I keep it in.
09:47I control it.
09:48Because I love you!
09:52I love you, too!
09:59Oh, you're home.
10:00You've heard everything with Abby.
10:15I mean, I'm right, right?
10:17I mean, did Davis go to your class and show you up?
10:20No.
10:20It was a rude, inappropriate ass bag.
10:22He alienated everyone.
10:25See, that's how a friend should act.
10:28Abby can't do that.
10:31You know why?
10:32Because she's jealous.
10:34She's jealous of my baby and my perfect frickin' uterus.
10:39My abs, your uterus.
10:41It's not our fault we're pretty people.
10:44I love how you're on my side right now.
10:47Well, again, she's wrong.
10:49What'd you say?
10:50She's wrong.
10:53I like you so much right now.
11:00Zach, uh, where's Billy?
11:06This is an appointment for me.
11:09Can you see anything on these posters that resembles anything that you have?
11:12Because if I examine you, basically, we'd just be foolin' around.
11:15Uh, look, I know you don't want to hear it if it's not vagina-related.
11:23But you're the only experienced father I can talk to.
11:26And I went to that class, but all the guys hated me, and I'm freaking out.
11:28So, could you be like my go-to guy for dad questions?
11:34Zach, uh, remember that high-speed chase that went from Fresno down to Bakersfield?
11:39Yeah.
11:40Yeah, real nasty.
11:41Uh, they put out the spikes to flatten the tires.
11:43Big explosion.
11:44Then the guy ran away, and then the dogs got him?
11:46Yeah.
11:46Yeah, that's my son, Carl.
11:50My daughter doesn't talk to me because I had her fiancé deported.
11:54So, what can I help you with?
11:59Oh, Abby's just jealous of you.
12:02That's right.
12:03So, I'm right, right?
12:04Yeah, you are right.
12:06We pregnant women have to stick together, you know.
12:09Hey, this article's just right in itself.
12:13Oh.
12:16Huh, that's James.
12:20Hi, James.
12:21How's Tahoe?
12:22Yeah, funny story.
12:23Uh, I didn't go on vacation.
12:25I lied.
12:27Okay, how's that going?
12:30Not well.
12:31I had laser eye surgery.
12:33Now it's infected, and I need you to come get me.
12:36I'm so busy right now writing my review.
12:41Billy, stop tapping on Olivia's cubicle and come get me.
12:46Okay, I'll be right there, Grandpa Simpson.
12:51James didn't go to Tahoe.
12:53Didn't he?
12:54Crap.
12:55So, do I have to really write this exposé?
12:59What have you been doing this whole time?
13:01I was ordering shoes.
13:02Great place, right?
13:11Great.
13:12This place is amazing.
13:13Everywhere I look, it's like my favorite kind of porn is about to break out.
13:18What's your unfavorite kind of porn?
13:21Well, the German stuff is a little rough.
13:23No wonder they started two world wars.
13:25So, lesbian me.
13:29Yes, straight man me.
13:30Which one of these ladies would be very open-minded or so drunk that they might mistake me for a woman?
13:39Well, I don't know them at all, but I heard they're into Dutch boys.
13:43That's what we call straight men who want to hook up with a lesbian couple.
13:46Come on, I'll be your wing-les, though.
13:47I once was lost, but now am found.
13:55I was watching you in class, and you really watched that baby like a pro.
14:00I could eat off that baby.
14:02If I work at a restaurant, it's just like scrubbing a potato with limbs.
14:06Okay, this is weird, because you and I just met, but Danny and I just found out we're having a boy.
14:12And I guess that's the universe's way of saying, one way or the other, you're touching penis.
14:17Uh, you're a cool guy.
14:20So, if I need to talk to someone if I don't know what to do with my son, can I call you?
14:25Me?
14:26Yeah, you're a natural dad.
14:28You really think that?
14:30Absolutely.
14:31And I did not get good vibes from the other guys in the class.
14:34Oh, I think that's probably because, out of all of them, you have the hottest wife.
14:39And, of course you can call me.
14:41Can I call you if I have a lesbian?
14:43That would be great.
14:46Your friend is scoring.
14:48Well, he didn't really understand the whole Dutch boy thing.
14:52My apartment is two blocks away, but for me, two kilometers.
15:02So, you sure I can't touch you guys?
15:05Yeah, okay, that works too.
15:08Can you believe this is actually happening?
15:10So, what's a lesbian bar like? I've never been in one.
15:20Oh, you'd do great there.
15:22They would eat you up.
15:24I love lesbians.
15:25Why do you keep checking your phone?
15:30I still haven't heard from Davis.
15:32Last time I saw him, he was headed out to have a threesome.
15:35I mean, when I had a threesome.
15:39Should have heard from him by now.
15:40I'm getting worried.
15:41Okay, it's been two hours time to put the eye drops in again, so keep your eyes open.
15:52It's burning.
15:56I haven't done anything yet.
16:00Don't be such a baby.
16:03Oh, my God, these are the wrong eye drops.
16:05Those aren't the antibiotics?
16:06No, they're the anti-inflammatory.
16:09Why is everything anti?
16:10Why can't we have some pro drugs?
16:12Come on, it's not that big a deal.
16:14What's going on with you?
16:16I had this baby class with Abby, and she was a total superstar, and I was a total loser.
16:22Made me think, maybe I'm not going to be so good at this mom stuff.
16:26Oh, come on, Billy.
16:27You can read their books for that.
16:31Books only teach you so much.
16:34I'm not sure I have the instincts to be a mom.
16:37I can't keep anything alive.
16:38I mean, I think I had a plant that committed suicide.
16:40You know my fish I had on my desk at the office?
16:44No.
16:45That's because it only lived for two days.
16:46In fact, I think it drowned.
16:48I drowned a fish.
16:51What if I'm bad with the baby?
16:54There.
16:57What's so funny?
16:57Look what you just did here.
17:00You took care of me, and I'm the biggest baby there is.
17:04You don't have a mom problem.
17:06You have a sister problem.
17:07She finally assigned you something, and it's bugging the crap out of you.
17:11It is.
17:13Davis.
17:14Buddy.
17:16Are you alone?
17:18Oh, screw it.
17:19I'm coming in.
17:23Crap.
17:24What the fuck?
17:27Oh, hey, Zach.
17:28A little late for the par-tay.
17:30Dude, what happened?
17:31Dude, I was in a little something called a menage a trois.
17:35And then I got a little something called tied up and robbed.
17:41Why did you come here?
17:43Well, you know, I just had this feeling in my gut that something was wrong.
17:46No, I meant, why did you come here?
17:48I'm sitting here basking in the glory of my experience.
17:52Although my nose was getting stopped up, and I couldn't really breathe through my mouth,
17:55so I was probably moments away from death.
17:58Good instincts.
18:00Uh, can you untie me, please?
18:02Yeah, in a second.
18:03Hmm?
18:07For the family album.
18:08Billy!
18:20Wait, I'm mad at you.
18:22Abby, you're about to be very excited.
18:26Oh, really?
18:28About our fight.
18:30I was feeling insecure.
18:33Mm-hmm.
18:33About becoming a mother.
18:35Yes.
18:35And I reacted badly to how good you were at that class, and I was wrong.
18:42Yay!
18:43However, I do think that there's a slight possibility that you were actually trying to make me look bad.
18:52Well, now it is your turn to get excited, because you might be right.
18:59Yay!
19:00The truth is, you weren't bad at the class, you just weren't as good as me.
19:04Well, I did finally figure out that swaddling.
19:07I used tape.
19:09Oh, that is clever.
19:10I know.
19:11And unsafe.
19:13You're gonna be a great mom.
19:16And trust me, you are gonna be so happy that I'm good at this stuff,
19:19because at some point, you're gonna look at that kid and say,
19:22I can't take another minute of your fat face, just like Mom used to say to me.
19:28I love you.
19:29Mm-hmm.
19:30Mm-hmm.
19:31You're gonna be a great aunt.
19:33Aw.
19:34Mm-hmm.
19:34But why didn't you just call me and tell me?
19:38Why did you have to come here?
19:40Okay, who's up next?
19:42Oh.
19:42Because you showed me up at my class,
19:46so I'm gonna show you up at your-
19:47Cross and tuck and fold and wrap and voila.
20:12This son of a bitch isn't going anywhere.
20:15See, you're already getting better at this.
20:17You're going to be a great dad.
20:21Yeah, we're going to be great parents.
20:24Well, I'm late for my pole dancing class.
20:27I got casts now and everything.
20:30Cool, I'm headed to a lesbian bar.
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