- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I'm not sure how I feel about you guys blowing on my table for two hours.
00:12I can't talk now, I must say prep.
00:13Yes!
00:15Oh, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.
00:20Awesome.
00:21Hi.
00:22Hi.
00:23Here's something addressed to you from Genesee High School.
00:25You guys were the bombers, huh?
00:27I like those cute little smiley bomb mascots you have.
00:31Yeah, our hometown is where they made all the nuclear bombs.
00:36A little less cute now.
00:39Good treat. It's our five-year reunion.
00:41Five-year reunion? What's the point of that?
00:44It's only fun if more time has passed and everyone's made a bunch of terrible choices.
00:47Then you see some real disasters.
00:49You know, people whose lives aren't going anywhere.
00:57Or maybe five years is long enough.
01:02We'll have fun.
01:04Oh, uh, we?
01:06Oh, I just thought you and I...
01:07No, that's fine. I just thought that...
01:08You don't want me to?
01:09No, I just assumed you wouldn't want...
01:10Because I... I mean, I...
01:10Because we all...
01:11I mean, I was just...
01:13I'm sorry, I was just trying to fit in.
01:17Look, if you want to go, I want you to go.
01:21Great.
01:23So wait, I'm going, right?
01:24Yeah, yeah.
01:29Ugh, I am so large.
01:33All right, I give up.
01:34Punch two armholes in a shower curtain and let's just do this.
01:38Sweetie, you barely fit into the closet that you're pulling clothes out of.
01:43Why would you invite yourself to his high school reunion?
01:46Why don't any of these shoes fit my feet?
01:48Oh, what's happened is your feet are growing to support the extra pressure from your massive body.
01:55It's nature's way of keeping you from toppling over.
01:58But in anticipation of this problem, we did a little inventive shopping.
02:02Oh, yes, we bought you a pair of shoes in your new size.
02:07Discreet transition.
02:08That's a tranny store.
02:12Who are you wearing tranny shoes?
02:14That is a line I will not cross.
02:17Oh, my God.
02:17These are really cute.
02:20And so are you.
02:22And so in case of a moment of insecurity, I want you to take this pre-pregnancy photo out of your purse and look at it.
02:27Because you will look like this again.
02:29Except for your feet.
02:30And your boobies.
02:33Oh, and your lady business.
02:36You stay out of my lady business.
02:38I'm going to be fine.
02:39I'm going to be more than fine.
02:41I am going to make this Saturday night my bitch.
02:45Wait, Saturday night?
02:47That's when you said you'd host that cocktail party so that I can sell my acai magna.
02:51Saturday night's my bitch.
02:53What is acai magna?
02:57Oh, what a good question, Olivia.
03:04If I told you I had a miracle juice that could deliver antioxidants and help fight free radicals,
03:09how much would you be willing to pay?
03:11Six hundred dollars?
03:12Eight hundred dollars?
03:14I promise.
03:15Use this for one night and you will feel relaxed, energized, with a huge smile on your face.
03:20Where do I put the batteries?
03:29I can't be anything without you.
03:40All right.
03:41What's the game?
03:43Okay.
03:44It's called Awakenings, like the movie.
03:45Yeah.
03:46Just stare off into space, work up a little drool,
03:48and try to catch the ball without looking at it.
03:52All right.
04:01Dude, I can't believe you invited Billy to the reunion.
04:03No, me neither.
04:04How'd that happen?
04:05One minute I'm innocently blowing a pencil across the table.
04:07Next thing I know, I'm at the reunion with my pregnant girlfriend,
04:10proving all the guidance counselors right.
04:14Well, uh, what'd you tell Billy about Melissa?
04:18Nothing.
04:18What was I gonna tell her?
04:19Oh, hey, Billy, let me tell you about my ex-girlfriend,
04:21the bikini model who writes me on Facebook.
04:23Oh, yeah, and here she is in Maxim, wearing a snake as a thong.
04:28Listen, Melissa is ancient history,
04:30and regardless of how intense it was, it's over.
04:33Also, I checked her Facebook status,
04:34and she's in Guatemala getting photographed naked on a Mayan pyramid.
04:39You know, I bet if the Mayans knew she was coming,
04:41they would have stuck around.
04:42You guys, I cannot wait till this reunion.
04:46It's gonna be crazy.
04:49Why would you come to the reunion?
04:50You didn't go to our high school.
04:52Our black guy's name wasn't Ryan.
04:55Because I'm a reunion crusher.
04:58I mean, open bar, free food,
05:00and sad girls realizing that the grand scheme just isn't working out,
05:04so now they're desperately looking for a plan B.
05:06And that plan B is me.
05:12All right, Davis, you're up, man.
05:13You ready?
05:13All right.
05:14Let me show you how pro does this.
05:20Oh!
05:24Damn it!
05:27Wait!
05:28Wait!
05:32Zach?
05:33I'm so glad you made it!
05:35Tracy, Tracy,
05:37delays hot except for fail.
05:39How are you?
05:40Uh, this is my, uh, girlfriend, Billy.
05:43Hi, I'm here to give the anti-teen pregnancy talk.
05:47It's a miracle.
05:49So, Zach,
05:50do you still keep in touch with Melissa?
05:52Melissa?
05:54I don't really remember Melissa.
05:56You don't remember your girlfriend
05:58for all four years of high school?
06:00You guys were inseparable.
06:02Remember those T-shirts
06:03that said Zalissa on the front?
06:05Get it?
06:06Like,
06:06Brangelina except Zach and Melissa?
06:08They were great.
06:08Remember when you got your period
06:09in gym class?
06:11Meth-roids, huh?
06:13I'll see you out there.
06:16Hey, Tracy!
06:18I see you switched to the smaller-sized glasses
06:21since we graduated.
06:23Hello, Davis.
06:24I was just doing some reading about you
06:26in the girls' bathroom.
06:27That's still there.
06:29It's not true, okay?
06:31Everything seems smaller
06:33than those volleyball Amazons.
06:36Hi.
06:38Uh...
06:39What?
06:39Come on, girl,
06:40you don't remember me?
06:41It's me.
06:42It's me.
06:46Jabari.
06:48Okay, here's a hint.
06:51I was the black kid
06:51in your math class.
06:53Oh, of course you were.
06:54I'm so sorry.
06:56Sorry?
06:57Yeah, I heard that before.
07:01Wow, so this is your jam.
07:03Who's Melissa?
07:04Uh, she was this nutjob I dated.
07:07Uh, she's definitely not pretty enough
07:08to justify the crazy.
07:10You know, at seven in looks,
07:11but with an 11's crazy.
07:12Not like you, though.
07:13You could be locked in a padded room
07:14and you could pull it off
07:15because you're so hot.
07:16Where is that farted?
07:18So do you still have
07:19this Alyssa T-shirt?
07:21That's a cute nickname.
07:23Maybe we should have shirts
07:24made up for us.
07:25We could call ourselves Zilly.
07:27We're back.
07:29I'm not uncomfortable.
07:30Hey, Mrs. Leeds.
07:33It's me, Liz, from your homeroom.
07:36It's so good to see you again.
07:39Um, yeah.
07:41Hey, guys, it's Mrs. Leeds.
07:42She rocks.
07:44Oh, my God, Mrs. Leeds.
07:46Are you pregnant?
07:47I am not Mrs. Leeds,
07:49and please stop shouting that.
07:51This is my girlfriend, Billie.
07:54Oh, I'm so sorry.
07:56You look exactly like Mrs. Leeds.
07:58Well, I'm not.
07:59Don't worry about it, though.
08:01People on the streets
08:02stop me all the time
08:03and mistake me for Mrs. Leeds.
08:04They also mistake me
08:05for Irma Thurman.
08:06Why don't you start shouting that?
08:08Who's Irma Thurman?
08:12By the way, Mrs. Leeds
08:13was the hottest teacher in school.
08:19Well, ladies,
08:20as I was saying,
08:22a sigh is Peruvian
08:23for glows and boat.
08:25So, who would like to be
08:29the first to place an order
08:30for this life-giving miracle juice?
08:36Well, I just need to check
08:38on something in the kitchen.
08:42Abby, Abby, Abby.
08:45I'm just gonna hit the road.
08:47I'm in big trouble, Olivia.
08:52I took the money
08:53that Nick was saving
08:54to buy that really fancy telescope
08:56thinking that I would make it back
08:57plus enough for a vacation at Sandals.
08:59Now, Nick won't get his telescope
09:01and there won't be hugging
09:02under a waterfall.
09:03And when I say hugging,
09:04I mean intercourse.
09:06All right, look, calm down.
09:08I think I can help you out here.
09:10Right.
09:11Now, this cranberry juice
09:13just needs a little bit of a kick.
09:15Okay?
09:15So, uh-huh.
09:17Nothing like a little bit of vodka
09:18to grease the wheels of commerce?
09:21It isn't cranberry juice
09:22and changing the product
09:23is not ethical.
09:24Luke, do you want to have intercourse
09:25under a waterfall or not?
09:28I do.
09:28I so do.
09:30Then get going.
09:35It's in there.
09:37If it takes me a lot,
09:38I'm gonna script this thing out
09:39because it's not true, okay?
09:40I'm normal.
09:41I'm perfectly proportional
09:42for my frame.
09:46Nah, man.
09:47These keys aren't gonna cut it.
09:48You got anything bigger?
09:50My bad.
09:54Hey, if we were in high school
09:55at the same time,
09:56we'd probably be an item, huh?
09:58Oh, yeah.
09:58I'd hit that.
10:00So romantic.
10:01You carry my books for me.
10:04Make out under the bleachers.
10:05And then you tell your friends
10:06we did more than we did.
10:07And then I'd be all mad at you
10:09because you said that.
10:10Then I'd do it anyway
10:10just to get back at my parents.
10:12Mm-hmm.
10:17Zach?
10:20It is you.
10:23You look so grown up.
10:25Hey, Melissa, you look...
10:28Hey, Melissa!
10:29Melissa, this is my girlfriend, Billy.
10:34And, Billy, this is Melissa
10:35who is not supposed to be here.
10:38My modeling shoot in Guatemala
10:39got canceled at the last minute.
10:41There was, like, a coop or something.
10:43I think it's pronounced coop.
10:45You're very wise.
10:47Anyway, it's just so good to see you.
10:51I love your hair like this.
10:53I love your hands like this.
10:57Did Zach tell you the story
10:59about how I got him
10:59those three tattoos on his arm?
11:01No.
11:02Did he tell you the story
11:03about how he got me pregnant
11:04and we're living together?
11:06Actually, he did.
11:08We've been staying in touch on Facebook.
11:09Did you see those pictures
11:10I posted from spring break
11:12in Lake Havasu?
11:13My God, we look so young.
11:16Can you excuse us
11:17just for one second?
11:18Sure.
11:19Love your shoes, by the way.
11:21Oh, thank you.
11:22My Aunt Steven has the same pair.
11:25I really like her.
11:28See, this is why
11:28I didn't want to bring you.
11:29I knew it.
11:30I knew you didn't want
11:31to bring me.
11:32No, I think you are hot
11:34and awesome
11:35and I love you, okay?
11:37I just thought that
11:38this might be
11:39a rough night for you.
11:40And guess what?
11:41It's a rough night for you.
11:43Why didn't you just
11:44tell me about Melissa?
11:45Because I didn't know
11:46she was going to be here.
11:47Well, it was a good thing
11:49that she was
11:49or I never would have found out
11:50about your secret
11:51Facebook relationship.
11:52It's not a relationship.
11:54She sends me hot photos
11:55of herself
11:55and I forward them
11:56to my friends.
11:57I'm joking.
11:59See,
12:01tell me she doesn't look
12:02like an older pregnant Mrs.
12:03Shut it down, Liz.
12:04Isn't it crazy
12:17how much fatter
12:18people can get
12:19after five years?
12:21Trip McCullough's shirt
12:22looks like it's trying
12:22to choke him to death.
12:25I know.
12:25And did you see
12:26that woman
12:27that Zach came with?
12:28I didn't even know
12:29you could have a baby
12:30when you're that old.
12:31You're such a bitch.
12:32You are.
12:34Let's go make out
12:35with each other
12:35to get boys' attention.
12:42You're so pretty.
12:46Do the same thing sometimes.
12:47Hey, Jabari.
12:53Having fun?
12:54Are you kidding me, Tracy?
12:57Jabari brings the party
12:58with him.
13:00You know what's weird?
13:01I was talking to some people
13:03and they reminded me
13:04about your accident.
13:06Didn't you lose an arm?
13:08Yes, you did.
13:10Show her your prosthetic arm,
13:11Jabari.
13:12This here's a good one.
13:19It's Swiss.
13:21I can make my fingers move
13:23with my mind waves.
13:24Watch the pinky.
13:28But it's got no feeling
13:29in it.
13:30Watch, we love doing this.
13:35Isn't that incredible?
13:38Cool.
13:39Well, I have to check
13:40some more people in,
13:40so I'll see you guys later.
13:45That was so much fun.
13:46We rock.
13:48Oh, how much money
13:50did we make?
13:50Oh, well, I made $3,000
13:52and you made a friend for life.
13:55I don't need a friend.
13:56I need $1,500.
13:59I want my cut, lady.
14:01Don't make me go
14:02all Glasgow on your ass.
14:03Okay, but I made
14:05the initial investment,
14:07so...
14:07Yes, which you were
14:08about to lose
14:09before I stepped in,
14:10so...
14:11Okay, you know what?
14:13I am sure there is a way
14:15we can figure to split
14:16the money that will be
14:16fair for both of us.
14:18But first, a toast.
14:19Oh, two good friends
14:28doing honest business
14:29with each other.
14:38Now stop wasting good booze
14:42in that plant
14:42and pour me another one.
14:43Davis, what are you doing
14:47in the girls' room
14:48with a knife?
14:49Oh, yeah.
14:50Well, somebody carved Davis
14:52has a small penis
14:53in the bathroom stall,
14:55but, uh,
14:56I took care of that.
15:02Don't worry about
15:03what those girls said, okay?
15:05After seeing Melissa,
15:06I could tell why
15:06Zach didn't want me here.
15:07Don't worry about Melissa, okay?
15:09She's half the woman you are.
15:11I don't really want
15:12to get into it,
15:13but, uh,
15:14that girl
15:14does not know
15:16the meaning of the words.
15:17I'm in a relationship.
15:21Start talking
15:22or I'm gonna scream
15:22that guy with the tiny penis
15:23has a knife.
15:25All right.
15:28When Zach and Melissa
15:29were dating,
15:30she cheated on him
15:32with this really
15:33disgusting guy.
15:36Me.
15:38Davis!
15:39I know,
15:39this is the worst thing
15:40I've ever done in my life,
15:41but they were going
15:42through this rough patch
15:43and she came over
15:44to my house
15:45all hurt
15:46and vulnerable,
15:47her thin blouse
15:49clinging to her supple...
15:51Davis.
15:51Yes?
15:53And Zach doesn't know?
15:54No, no.
15:55No one does.
15:56I mean,
15:57never really seemed
15:58like the right time
15:58to tell him
15:59because he's always been
16:00so much bigger
16:01and stronger than me.
16:04That's not the point, okay?
16:05This girl, Melissa,
16:05she has no boundaries.
16:06She's got no ethics.
16:07So if I was you,
16:08I'd slap on some lipstick
16:09and fix up your hair and...
16:10You don't like my hair?
16:12I think it's fun.
16:14Yeah, it's a blast.
16:16Now, get out there
16:16and show her
16:17what you're made of.
16:18I'm not going to walk out there
16:20and make an ass of myself.
16:21Billy,
16:23Melissa's moving back
16:25to San Francisco.
16:25Well, if I'm going to kick some ass,
16:30at least I'm wearing men's shoes.
16:31I'm wearing men's shoes.
16:55Are these turkey sliders?
17:22Why are you kissing Donnie Shapiro?
17:26Dude!
17:28I just kissed Mrs. Leeds!
17:35Boy, that Donnie Shapiro
17:36had a long tongue.
17:39Look, it's my fault, okay?
17:41I should have told you
17:42about Melissa.
17:43I was worried
17:43you were going to be jealous.
17:45And she's young and hot
17:46and she's got a great body.
17:47Skip to the end.
17:48Skip to the end.
17:49But there's nothing
17:52for you to be jealous about, okay?
17:54I mean, I never trusted her.
17:56I never felt safe with her
17:57the way I feel with you.
18:02I feel the same way about you.
18:05It feels so good
18:06to be open and honest
18:07with each other.
18:13Zach, I have something
18:14I need to tell you.
18:15Yeah.
18:16Remember in junior year
18:18when you and Melissa
18:19got in that massive fight
18:20at Rob O'Donnell's house
18:21and then you kind of bailed?
18:24Well, I was consoling her, you know,
18:25because she was really, really,
18:26really sad.
18:27And the really weird thing is
18:30we cheated on you.
18:35Yeah, dude,
18:36you tell me every year
18:37when you get drunk
18:38on Jewish forgive me day.
18:42I slept with Melissa, man.
18:46She just kept coming at me.
18:48I was like,
18:49oy vey.
18:56Did you forgive me?
18:58Not the first year.
18:59The first year I beat
18:59the crap out of you.
19:01That was you?
19:03Man, I reported that
19:05that's a hate crime.
19:07Well, I think the most
19:09important thing
19:10that we take away
19:10from all of this
19:11is that forgiveness
19:13is divine.
19:15And Melissa
19:16is a skaky hoe.
19:26I never knew that
19:27about Betty Davis.
19:30Jabari,
19:30that was amazing.
19:32That hand is really flexible.
19:34Yeah.
19:35Those Swiss
19:36really better make
19:36a nice arm.
19:38Look,
19:39I really want to see you again,
19:40so here's my number
19:42and, uh,
19:43so you don't lose it.
19:46Ah!
19:50I'm gonna call you, girl!
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