- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00hey roomie oh Merry Christmas I brought you a Danish some crazy pregnant lady took a bite of
00:17on the way down the hall to your room thanks I want to grab a seat if I remember you do enjoy
00:23it a lumpy futon oh you are 100% naked down there so I know it's weird we're not spending Christmas
00:32together but trust me you don't want to be here with my parents my dad was in Vietnam and if my
00:37mom had been there with him we would have won here mom let me take your coat oh thank you honey
00:45no mom James did not propose congratulations you just ruined Christmas
00:49much better leave the introductions for a less stressful time like say for instance the day
00:56the baby is born what are you doing mom and dad will be here in t-minus seven hours nothing's
01:03cooking the place looks like crap come on get up get up all right you too come on oh no time to
01:08be startled by a penis I have too much to do
01:10I think you and Zach doing separate Christmases is a brilliant move and maybe this will be the
01:20year that Nick bonds with dad oh I bring you gifts from a little place I like to call my pocket
01:28half a matchbook some lint and nope those are my testicles
01:37Merry Christmas
01:41Merry Christmas
01:43and happy Hanukkah to you Davis
01:47thank you
01:47I'm ready to roll dude
01:50so what exactly are you guys doing
01:52Zach and I have a long-standing tradition where I take them on a surprise Christmas adventure
01:56three secret locations two handsome men
02:00one bench worn outstanding from last year's adventure
02:03I'm in your hands Captain Hanukkah
02:06you know the drill
02:08something dirty about to happen
02:13only if you come with us
02:15okay
02:17okay enough uncomfortable sex talk with my sister
02:21it's okay if there's a little
02:23okay we need to get Zach's stuff out of his bedroom right now
02:28what
02:28you promised me you would tell mom and dad that Zach lived here
02:32what kind of kooky Christmas have you got planned for me sister
02:35I've got an extremely kooky Christmas planned
02:38because as it turns out I did not do that
02:41I did not tell them
02:42but you told them you were pregnant
02:45you told them Zach was 22
02:46why wouldn't you tell them this detail
02:48but how's that gonna make Zach look
02:50oh mom dad this is the father of my child he was sleeping in a van
02:53so I said come sleep on the floor of a room of a baby
02:56I'm just not doing any more weird explanations
03:00where are we gonna tell them he lives
03:01I don't know studio apartment
03:03make it a loft
03:04okay a loft
03:06you can't afford a loft Billy
03:07I can't be anything without you
03:14I can't believe that you didn't tell them Zach lived here
03:21I can't believe you didn't tell them Nick was Canadian
03:23shut your mouth about that
03:26oh god let me see
03:37let me see
03:38oh
03:39hello little baby it's your grandma
03:42I won't judge how you came into this world
03:45oh feel that
03:47baby's first eye roll
03:49eggnog
03:51it is Christmas
03:52hi daddy
03:54Merry Christmas
03:55well look at you
03:58doing things all out of order
03:59what do you do
04:01insulting me before you even say hello
04:03hey I think our cab driver was a terrorist
04:06cab driver
04:09Nick was picking you up
04:11I didn't see him
04:12what
04:13Billy where's Zach
04:15oh yes when do we get to meet Zach
04:18in the future
04:19Zach's a chef like I mentioned in my email
04:22and the restaurant he works for is opening another place out in Los Angeles
04:25but I'm sure he's wishing he was here
04:28do you think it's messed up that Billy didn't want me to meet her parents
04:30dude you have more pressing things to worry about
04:33like for instance
04:34I am not that good a driver
04:36and I am driving your van
04:39now back to the adventure
04:42the two wise men were about to embark on a road trip through the desert
04:45on their way to
04:47Vegas
04:48oh dude
04:49if only the wise men had that much gas money
04:52anyway
04:53they stopped
04:55and you'll never believe who they saw
04:58is this headed where I think it's headed?
05:00what's your favorite Christmas movie starring Bruce Willis
05:03and the dad from family matters
05:05diehard
05:06nothing says Christmas like chucking a German off a tall building
05:11silent night in my ass
05:15well I'll be the first one to say it
05:35it just doesn't feel like Christmas without James
05:38yes
05:39I'll miss those awkward back rubs you used to give him in front of the Christmas tree
05:43we all will
05:46so how things been going since you broke up
05:58it was difficult at first but I'm okay now
06:01yeah
06:02he was so rich he was so handsome
06:05I just don't think he should be okay
06:09would you like it better if I said I wasn't okay?
06:15yeah yeah I think I would
06:16honey where were you? I was so worried
06:20I was at the airport
06:21no you know I'm real late so we took a cab
06:26no but I wasn't late
06:27she saw me
06:29was that you? I wasn't sure
06:32you waved to me
06:35I had a sign
06:37Mr. and Mrs. Chase
06:39she does that to everyone
06:42it's a holdover from her pageant days
06:44oh yeah isn't that just the darnedest thing
06:46no Edward
06:47I told you I thought that was Nick
06:49there's so many scams
06:51mom people aren't always trying to scam you
06:55or pull the wool over your eyes
06:56Billy
06:57what's this men's deodorant doing in here?
07:00that's mine
07:01pregnancy
07:02you want a long face
07:10oh man this is great
07:12it's just I was kind of hoping to spend Christmas this year with Billy
07:14I feel you do but I don't think they let pregnant chicks onto shooting ranges
07:18at least not outside of Georgia
07:21what do the wise men do now?
07:24Bungie jump into a whorehouse?
07:26no but noted for next year
07:28my friend we are about to step into the happiest place on earth
07:33ta-da
07:35you get to pick out any Christmas tree on the lot
07:41it's a pot farm
07:43dude that's not how you say it
07:46you say it's a pot farm
07:48honey we're going to be short in one chair
07:50you still keep the extra one in the closet?
07:53no no no no
07:54um
07:55Nick likes to stand
07:58weirdo?
08:08not a lighter
08:09not a match
08:10nothing
08:11what's this?
08:16this is from Billy
08:17an unborn baby no name
08:19oh that's so sweet
08:22please make it be a lighter
08:23please make it be a lighter
08:24cigars to hand out for when the baby's born
08:29great more things we can't smoke
08:31it's hard to find the perfect present for the man who gave me the most amazing gift of all
08:37I'm so lucky to have you in my life
08:41what do you do when you meet the coolest girl you're ever going to meet and you're only 22?
08:51keep looking
08:52I'm just kidding man
08:56I get it
08:58give me the nutcracker
09:06and your nut
09:08so uh about my new business venture
09:17you know how hard it is to eat yogurt when you're driving
09:20oh hold on just a sec
09:22let me stop watching this football game so I can talk to you about yogurt
09:26this is the longest I've seen Nick stand next to dad without hyperventilating
09:33I know
09:36I promised Nick I would let him handcuff me if he would just talk to dad
09:40this is a weird Christmas
09:48Billy
09:51Billy
09:51I found a pair of men's underwear in the hamper
09:56has there been a man here that I don't know about?
09:59they're Nick's
10:00he does that every time he comes over here
10:03weirdo
10:09thank you for marrying Nick
10:17you're welcome
10:17we are so getting through this day
10:22and we haven't heard
10:23congratulations
10:24you just ruined Christmas
10:26no
10:26we turned what used to be a horrifying family ritual
10:29into an uncomfortably forced social gathering
10:32we can barely tolerate
10:33it's a Christmas miracle
10:36no
10:37no no
10:38this is all us
10:39we made this happen
10:40I mean as far as mom and dad know
10:42Zach is a reputable hot up and coming chef
10:44living in a loft far away in Los Angeles
10:46that ain't no miracle baby
10:47that is all us
10:48dude I don't know where this next place is that you're taking me
10:53but it smells like old people in here
10:55ta da
11:03wow
11:07this is great
11:09Zach made it all the way back from L.A.
11:11and he's covered in holiday cheer
11:15mistletoe
11:17in my day
11:19they called that grass
11:22yeah I'm just gonna go change my clothes
11:25or or or or you're just gonna dust off the clothes you have here
11:29cause all your clothes are at your place
11:30ah yes that is true
11:34I forgot
11:35you forgot where you keep your clothes
11:38follow me
11:38follow me
11:39follow me
11:39well I can see where Billy gets her shapely legs
11:44and her icy stare
11:48don't you love how Nick isn't wearing any drugs
11:54what are you doing here
12:00I don't know
12:01what am I doing here
12:02dude you were getting all sentimental in the van
12:04so I thought you wanted to be here to spend Christmas with Billy
12:06so here she is
12:07Merry Christmas
12:09and God bless us
12:12everyone
12:13screw that
12:15we had a plan
12:17yeah what part of the plan involves all my stuff being gone
12:19the beginning part
12:21where I told my parents you didn't live here
12:22where did you tell them I live
12:25in a rent controlled studio loft
12:29no elevator
12:30but you don't mind
12:31cause it's close to shops and restaurants
12:33oh that's nice
12:34I don't understand why you would lie about me
12:37I'm a good guy
12:38I go to the doctor's appointments
12:39I make you eat your spinach
12:40I rub your hobbit like pregnancy feet
12:42I would think that parents would be okay with that
12:45look my mom had this vision of my life
12:48where I'm married and respectable
12:49and that's all blown to hell
12:51and my dad is a retired marine
12:53who does everything by the book
12:55and there is no book for this
12:57so I told a teeny tiny white lie
12:59which entailed me and Abby shoving all of your stuff into a closet
13:02now you can go out there and tell them the truth
13:05or you can hop on the parental deception train
13:09which will be running for another two hours
13:11all aboard
13:16if that's what you want me to do
13:21I'll do it
13:21also I did not expect your dad
13:23to look like an angry giant
13:24spread them
13:27we're back
13:31I was just telling mom and dad
13:34about Zach's cute studio apartment
13:36loft
13:36loft
13:37uh
13:40Mr. and Mrs. Chase
13:41I'd like to start over
13:43that was really embarrassing
13:44you know what
13:45I say sweetheart
13:46that we should just let
13:47bygones be bygones
13:48can I talk to you in the kitchen
13:50will bygones be bygones
13:53in the kitchen
13:54kitchen
13:55kitchen
13:55kitchen
13:55kitchen
13:56kitchen
13:56those figaroas
14:10uh yeah they're a gift from a friend
14:18yeah
14:19it's my brand
14:20where can we go to smoke these
14:23on the roof
14:24good
14:26I wanted to talk to you anyway
14:27alone
14:28how about the stoop instead
14:34roof sounds good
14:38go up there with them
14:47oh no
14:48I don't like cigars
14:49they make me throw up
14:51you go up there
14:54and you smoke a cigar
14:55and you act like a man
14:56don't a rich handsome businessman
15:01for Dennis the gosh darn menace
15:03it's not how it went
15:05mom
15:05I dated James for three years
15:06he didn't want to marry me
15:08oh that's lazy talk
15:09what
15:09so
15:11what's your story Zach
15:12uh well
15:14you already know about my
15:16rent controlled
15:16studio loft
15:18no elevators
15:21that's
15:21hard
15:22hey
15:23I know you live downstairs
15:25what do you think
15:25you am a moron
15:26I was hoping
15:27and no one's gonna put up
15:31with that ruse
15:31unless they're really in love
15:32I've been married 40 years
15:35trust me
15:36I know
15:52because I can't be there today
15:53love Zach
15:54mom
16:03dad
16:05unborn baby
16:08no name
16:09so
16:13love my daughter or what
16:15well I'm lying to a very large ex-marine
16:20on top of a very tall building
16:22because she asked me to
16:23so since you're not a moron
16:25you probably already know
16:26that I do
16:26the way this whole thing happened
16:30I know it's not by the book
16:32but in a few months
16:33I'm gonna be the father
16:33of your grandchild
16:34and I'm gonna be around
16:36a long time
16:37no matter what you think of me
16:38you know what I think of you
16:41I think you got balls
16:44and I like the fact
16:46that you're willing to lie to me
16:47to make my daughter happy
16:49God
16:52why don't they just make out already
16:54forget about them
16:56tell me about your idea
16:57do you ever get stuck in traffic
16:59yeah all the time
17:00and do you ever want to eat yogurt
17:02dude
17:03get out of my head
17:04how was it upstairs
17:08it was great
17:09I got a lot of encouragement
17:11about my automogurt
17:12from dad
17:13no from Davis
17:14okay
17:15well that's a step up
17:16from nobody
17:17James
17:20could you pass the yams
17:21oh I'm sorry
17:24you're not James
17:25so what do you do
17:33the question is
17:35what do I don't
17:36what the hell does that mean
17:39what the hell
17:42doesn't that mean
17:43I would like to apologize
17:49in the form of a toast
17:51an apolo-jo-st
17:53if you will
17:53mom
17:57daddy
17:58I lied
18:00Zach lives here
18:02he sleeps on a futon
18:04in the nursery
18:04I didn't want to tell you
18:08because I was worried
18:09about what you would think
18:10of me
18:10and I was worried
18:10about what you would think
18:11of Zach
18:11but none of that matters
18:13because all that matters
18:14is what I
18:15and
18:15unborn baby
18:17no name
18:18think of Zach
18:19and we think
18:21he's wonderful
18:22Zach
18:24I can't wait
18:25till next Christmas
18:26when we can hang
18:26these stockings
18:27as a family
18:28then I can have
18:29some real eggnog
18:30and I hope
18:33that you forgive me
18:34for lying to you
18:35because Christmas
18:36is all about
18:37forgiveness
18:37and ham
18:38well mostly ham
18:39so Zach
18:42do you forgive me
18:43do you one
18:46better than that
18:56what is happening
18:57what is happening
18:58oh my god
19:01dude I'm way
19:02too high
19:03for this
19:04Billy
19:09I love you
19:12will you marry me
19:15congratulations
19:18you just ruined Christmas
19:20so unexpected
19:27my whole life
19:29I always wondered
19:29what it would be like
19:30to hear those words
19:31and I just did
19:32and my head is spinning
19:33and my ring
19:34is a cigar band
19:35overwhelmed
19:38so am I
19:40look I've tried
19:41to do what you want
19:42and keep boundaries
19:43between us
19:44but
19:44I love you
19:46you're funny
19:48and you're sexy
19:48and you sleep down the hall
19:50and you're carrying my baby
19:51and I know I don't make
19:52a lot of money
19:53but I can sell some stuff
19:54and I'm taking a course
19:55on eBay right now
19:56to make
19:56is that a yes?
20:10that's I don't know
20:11can't wait for the yes guess
20:15smells so woodlandy fresh
20:25in here
20:26do you have one of those
20:27little air fresheners
20:28that looks like a tree
20:29yep
20:30all right
20:32behold
20:33the invention
20:34revolutionizing
20:35the mobile consumption
20:36of fermented dairy
20:37the automogurt
20:38okay so once
20:40the cup is in place
20:41you simply push this button
20:42and the spring-loaded arm
20:43gently
20:44wait
20:45it's a new episode
20:54of Two and a Half Men
20:55CBS next
20:56you
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