- 2 months ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00these last few weeks have been perfect yeah except for me being pregnant with another man's baby
00:11and me living with the father of the baby
00:15and him being 22 oh my god why are you dating me
00:20i have a lousy short-term memory
00:23i'd really like to kiss you you just oh i get it
00:32oh brian
00:38you've been so cool and accepting about all this i mean i once had a guy break up with me because i
00:46had a bad cough you're just so great and beautiful you know i've always had a crush on you i just
00:52couldn't do anything about it i was married and you were with james and now i'm divorced and you're
00:59pregnant
00:59you just got so lucky
01:03whoa check it out zach it's the mother of your baby making out with another dude
01:10okay we'll just uh hang out in my room you two get back to uh second base it'll look like
01:17things are going so well with brian and zach seems totally cool with it finally the stars are
01:35aligned in my favor i don't know what the stars had against me before but they have now dropped their
01:39previous grievances and are trickling their approval
01:44like you should be abby are you proud of me i am not
01:49i am not proud of you so stop fishing for it
01:53think you're back to your same old ways rushing into something without thinking it through and the last time you did that you ended up unintentionally pregnant
02:00that's because she's industrious a lot of women sleep with a guy and end up with nothing more than a prescription for antibiotics
02:07well this one she gets a baby bravo billy bravo
02:12exhibit a supportive friend exhibit b unsupportive sister whose bra is showing
02:18i know i'm trying that look today and i am supportive of you just not of all your choices
02:26how can you be sure about brian after only dating him for three weeks i think that's kind of rash
02:32and you know who would agree with me michelle obama
02:35yes we know you love michelle obama
02:39she makes good choices and has fabulous arms
02:44what you didn't know was while i was with james brian was off to the side
02:51very unavailable flirtatious wanting me
02:56which brings me back to what i said before about the stars i think we just need to get on board with the stars
03:03absolutely you're just a suck up and i see right through that
03:07i like your new look thank you
03:11something about this brian i don't like and i got a sense for these things
03:20my sister she'd bring boyfriends home and she'd be like
03:23kevin's so great kevin's so special and then kevin would be on the news that night
03:28next to a table full of guns
03:29i'm with you man
03:31you know what's that guy kissing our pregnant lady
03:34got this really sick feeling in my stomach
03:37kind of like the time i saw my mom skinny dipping with my uncle bob
03:41you gotta do something about this guy man he's not just dating billy he's dating your baby
03:46i mean that great dinner that he bought her the baby's enjoying it
03:51the witty banter the baby's laughing
03:53i bet the baby's in there right now saying man this guy could be the one
03:57dude i know i'm just trying to shock you into action
04:01well i'm freaking out okay what should i do if this guy's angling his way into my baby's life
04:08then i better get to know him where's a good place to have a chat with an old guy
04:11i was an old guy park bench
04:13indian casino florida
04:15brunch brunch some of you old people love brunch
04:18so i wanted us to have brunch because i don't really know you brian and i'd like to
04:27that is just so cool
04:29can you believe how cool this guy is
04:31i got a cool baby cooking in here
04:34so anyway brian let's get to know each other i'll start i'm 22 i'm an aspiring chef and my
04:42childhood dream was to fight jet lee
04:44and i'm still gonna make that happen
04:47okay uh well let's see my childhood dream was to be a photojournalist so i became a photojournalist
04:56in fact there's a retrospective of my work at the paper
04:59it's gonna be so great
05:01yeah how lovely
05:04bill here tells me you're divorced
05:07couldn't keep the flame alive huh
05:09you know i will answer that question in just a second
05:13let me just take this
05:14yeah
05:15what are you doing
05:18i'm looking out for you
05:19well stop it
05:20i've been dating since
05:22oh my god since you were in kindergarten
05:25okay
05:25sorry
05:27uh so you were asking me inappropriate questions
05:31about my painful divorce
05:32i'm sorry man
05:36it's just billy means a lot to me you know
05:38she's carrying my baby
05:39it is just a platonic
05:41platonic miracle
05:44speaking of which
05:47remember that crib we saw in the window
05:48oh my god that was the most beautiful crib i've ever seen
05:51i got it for you
05:52you did
05:53when they deliver it maybe you could put it together zach
05:57oh i'm putting it together
05:59this is great
06:03would you excuse me for a second
06:06that is so sweet you're like santa claus but cuter
06:12ooh
06:12davis
06:14dude i'm on the floor
06:16handing out cups of crab
06:17they're finally letting me interact with the customers
06:19brian bought her a freaking crib
06:23a crib man
06:23and that's inappropriate right
06:26yes
06:28oh man you were right about that guy
06:30he's trying to steal your baby
06:31like a reverse stork
06:34i i gotta get rid of this guy
06:38okay don't do anything yet
06:39we need to calmly discuss this
06:41over nine beers
06:43why can't we just talk about this right now
06:46no i can't i'm in the weeds right now man
06:47i'm running out of crab cups
06:48and i got a fat guy circling my key on
06:51really dude
06:55more crab
06:56what's the matter junior
07:02mom forget to sign your permission slip to go to the zoo
07:05that's the matter
07:07yeah
07:08i know
07:09she looks happy with brian
07:11and i hate it
07:13kind of reminds me when you burst on the scene
07:16oh now i know how you felt
07:18except that when i met you
07:20she wasn't pregnant with your baby
07:21so it's kind of worse for me
07:22i don't know
07:24i was with her for three years
07:26i put a lot of time in with her
07:27i think it's kind of worse for me
07:29i have to live with her
07:30i have to work with her
07:31i have to listen to her make out with brian
07:33in the other room
07:34you win
07:37you want to get drunk
07:41you know i don't understand why you can't just fire brian
07:44i mean you run the paper
07:45wouldn't that i could man
07:47but he's one of the best photojournalists around
07:49and pictures matter
07:50there's one thing i learned after two decades in print media
07:53people don't like words
07:55i'm the daddy
07:58i'm supposed to get the crib
07:59you know a man encroaching on another man's crib buying
08:02is just emasculating
08:03and what's he gonna buy you next
08:04a boob job
08:05i once had a pregnancy scare
08:09dated this stewardess
08:10she told me she was on the pill
08:11i thought she meant birth control
08:13turns out she meant ecstasy
08:14one day she calls me
08:17she tells me she's pregnant
08:18i thought it was mine
08:19then she told me it was tommy lee's
08:22tommy lee
08:25dude that's the greatest thing i've ever heard
08:28and you're buying us all these drinks
08:32i feel so bad about
08:33every mean thing i've said about you
08:35yeah me too man
08:36i mean we were talking trash about you for the last two months
08:39we even made a drink game out of it
08:40did someone say douche
08:43i don't find that funny
08:48you sure you don't want to watch the end of the movie
08:56how are you gonna know how it ends
08:58it ends with me on top of you
09:03somebody say douche
09:06you still can't believe that crib buying bastard
09:13i'm mad at him
09:15i'm mad at him on your behalf
09:17and i want to do something with this anger
09:19something dangerous
09:21and fun
09:22and fun
09:24wish i'd done something more when i lost billy
09:28but what did i do
09:29i drowned my sorrows in cape moss
09:32yeah but what can i do
09:35you know
09:36i don't know but you better do something to stop this now
09:38you're never gonna get rid of it
09:39james is right
09:40that's why he's the father of tommy lee's baby
09:43and you hand out crab samples
09:45crabs
09:52crabs
09:54crabs
09:58here's his car guys
10:02oh no
10:04guys hang on
10:05i'm starting to get that
10:06i shouldn't be doing this feeling late
10:08that time i ate 30 eggs
10:09we can't stop now
10:11we're making automotive vandalism history
10:12perfect it's unlocked
10:15okay come on hurry up
10:17load them in
10:17i am not touching them crabs
10:19no no don't stop
10:26why did you stop
10:27too much tongue
10:27that sounds like my car alarm
10:31i want to eat your legs
10:34make it look like one's driving
10:36your baby daddy is attacking my car with seafood
10:47zack stop that
10:50stop that right now
10:51look that one's driving
10:53so zack and his friends got drunk
11:02broke into brian's car
11:03filled it with crabs
11:05and then crept in here after you went to sleep
11:07wow
11:09the stars are not really aligned the way you thought they were
11:11you know
11:14michelle obama doesn't like self-righteous people
11:17that's actually true
11:19is it noon already
11:22i'm gonna go wake his ass up
11:24zack wake up
11:28zack
11:30billy
11:32hey uh thanks for letting us crash here
11:35is there coffee
11:37yeah
11:38and eggs
11:39and bagels
11:40oh really
11:41no
11:42that was unnecessary
11:44hello lady
11:48gotta get to work now
11:52i'm not wearing any air
11:55don't scratch
11:56good morning
11:59i'll get you boys some coffee
12:02oh there's your penis
12:05i can explain
12:09really
12:11crabs
12:12what were you gonna do next
12:13pouring a gallon of butter
12:15we talked about it
12:17i don't get it
12:20why would you do all of this
12:22i don't know
12:23i swear i'm right about him
12:24you know
12:25i couldn't figure it out at first
12:28but then it hit me
12:29he wants to push me out
12:31first with you
12:31and then with the baby
12:32okay
12:33is this about the crib thing
12:34because if every time someone gets us a baby present
12:36you put crabs in their car
12:37we're just gonna get out
12:38and we need things
12:39it's more than just about the crib thing
12:42so what is it
12:43what do you want
12:45i want you to
12:48break up with this guy
12:50and then what
12:52you get to go out with all your friends
12:55and meet hot chicks
12:56while i stay at home and watch tv
12:58there are some good shows on
13:00look i know it doesn't look like it
13:04but i'm doing all this because i care about you
13:07i know you do
13:08but there has to be a universe
13:10where i get to be happy too
13:12please be happy with me
13:15all right
13:17i want to get in the way of your happiness
13:20you're gonna throw up right now aren't you
13:21i already started
13:23so how did the car cleanup go
13:35that's how i want everyday tend
13:38with a fishy smell and a crab stuck in my cd changer
13:41i'm so sorry
13:44are you mad
13:45i'm a little mad
13:47but not at you
13:49wow
13:51somebody got me flowers
13:53they from you
13:54is there a card
13:56yes
13:57then no they're not from me
13:59oh they're from
14:00pam
14:01pam your ex-wife pam
14:03that's an oddly thoughtful thing
14:06for an ex-wife to do
14:07well
14:07here's the thing
14:09oh no not a thing
14:10pam is actually gonna be here tonight
14:13at the photo exhibit
14:14you mean in spirit
14:15look it's a retrospective of my work
14:19pam was very supportive
14:21i understand that it's uncomfortable
14:23yeah
14:24but
14:24i still want you here
14:27well my first instinct was no
14:31then i thought about the crab thing
14:34and how you're still talking to me
14:35so you'll come
14:37okay
14:39and i have a dress i've been saving for an incredibly awkward situation
14:43so i think i'll just break that sucker out
14:45hey
14:49good luck with the show tonight
14:50thank you
14:51okay
15:05time for me to meet my new boyfriend's ex-wife
15:08my life just gets weirder and weirder
15:12your life's fantastic
15:14my life just gets weirder and weirder
15:16this morning i woke up next to our clone
15:18do you mean like
15:22oh that guy's a clown
15:23or like
15:24honk honk
15:25okay i'm just gonna peek around the corner
15:33and see what brian's ex looks like
15:35and not because i'm shallow
15:36i just
15:36really need to know she's prettier than me
15:39okay
15:40one two three go
15:42okay she is extremely pretty
15:49and she saw me
15:51what do i do
15:52oh calm down
15:53you're gorgeous
15:55remember she's the visitor on this date
15:57she should be peeking around the corner at you
15:59oh no here she comes
16:01stick out your boobs and suck in your gut
16:03i can't it's a baby
16:06well get your baby to suck in its gut then
16:08friend
16:10olivia
16:11billy
16:12thank you for coming
16:13this is pam
16:15it's great to have a chance to meet you
16:17brian's told me how supportive you've been of his photography
16:20and why wouldn't you be
16:21you used to call me his muse
16:24didn't you
16:25well i called you a lot of things
16:27muse was one of them
16:29oh
16:33old times
16:34brian the photos are really beautiful
16:39and i gotta say i'm so impressed
16:41and
16:42i did not realize that
16:45pam is in almost every single one
16:47you are very photogenic
16:50thank you
16:52so brian tells me that you're pregnant with another man's baby
16:56yup
16:58it's great
16:59you gotta try it sometime
17:00i gotta go wet my whistle
17:04oh my god
17:08wet my whistle
17:10who was talking just now
17:11humphrey bogart
17:12okay and was it my imagination
17:14or was pam like super clingy
17:17yeah
17:17i was clingy
17:18once
17:19didn't work out well for me
17:20it didn't work out well for pam
17:22brian
17:24lovely photos
17:26barren landscapes
17:28tell me did you use an f-stop on you
17:30oh my god billy
17:35i'm so sorry about you
17:37ma'am
17:37she's having a hard time letting go
17:38you guys don't seem like you're at each other's throats
17:41like other divorced couples
17:42well it's not like we didn't get along
17:44or didn't like each other
17:45oh really
17:47that makes me feel so much better
17:49she didn't want to have kids
17:51which is what i love about you
17:53because if things work out between us
17:55it's like an instant family
17:56i'm an automatic dad
17:58oh
17:58oh
17:59that's very sweet
18:01but
18:01my situation is a little more complicated than that
18:04i mean
18:05there's zach
18:05oh so you're keeping zach
18:07i kind of have to
18:11and i think that
18:13your situation is a lot more complicated than you realized
18:17maybe we just move too quickly
18:20i so want things to work out between us
18:24me too
18:25maybe we just let the dust settle a bit and pick this up a little later
18:31i think that might be best
18:35oh no
18:37what about the
18:38oh you can keep the crib
18:39hey
18:44hey how was the exhibit
18:46bosnia is very depressing
18:48but not as depressing as my love life
18:51my love life is more depressing than a war-torn soviet state
18:54hey
18:57brian and i broke up
19:00i'm sorry are you alright
19:06yeah
19:07no
19:07eh
19:08i mean it was just crazy to think that anyone would just
19:11sign off on this rinky dink operation i got going on here
19:14that's not true
19:15i don't give it up
19:16maybe it's a little true
19:17let's just call a spade a spade
19:19i got olivia i got my sister i got you and i got your baloney head friends
19:23what else
19:24well you got that little guy in there
19:27or or girl
19:29you know what else you got
19:32a buttload of fresh crab
19:34does that make you feel better
19:37yes it does
19:39good
19:39because we put the crabs on your credit card
19:42this crab is divine
19:49i insist that all your future pranks involve some form of crustacean
19:55so what i meant she was best friends with the groom and she married him
19:59no
20:00katherine higel got a new apartment but then when she got there there was a mix-up and matthew mcconaughey had moved in already
20:05really
20:07he moved into her heart
20:08just like you all have moved into mine
20:14wait a second
20:16when does the movie start
20:18we've been watching it for 45 minutes
20:22i thought it was just a really informative trailer
20:28i've been saying to myself over and over
20:31they're really giving the whole movie away
20:33yeah this is better than having a boyfriend
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