- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00How come you're wearing a suit?
00:09It's just jeans and a jacket.
00:11Wait, so what's a suit?
00:15Zach, look who I got into her party pants.
00:17At this point, the party in my pants is not so exciting.
00:21I wish I was a movie critic so I could be going to a fancy movie premiere,
00:25getting out of a limo, posing for the paparazzi, eating free popcorn.
00:29It's so glamorous.
00:31Abby, I promise I'll bring you to the next one.
00:34It's just the baby's coming in three weeks.
00:35Whoa, three weeks? Holy crap, I thought you said two months.
00:39Yeah, a month and a half ago.
00:41I just want to have one last special night with Zach
00:43while my breasts are still breasts and not just vending machines.
00:50I can't believe it.
00:53Next time I go to a movie premiere, I'm going to be a mother.
00:57Take a left on Geary.
00:58Oh, next time we make a left on Geary, I'm going to be a mother.
01:03Yep, and next time I see two trainees making out at a bus stop,
01:06I'm going to be a dad.
01:10Are we being pulled over?
01:12We're running late.
01:13They're going to give away our seats at the premiere.
01:15Man, now I got soda running down my butt crack.
01:24Ooh, it's busy.
01:28What's the rush?
01:29Oh, sorry, officer. I was just, um, I was...
01:33Did your water just break?
01:35Are you going into labor?
01:36Yes.
01:38Yes.
01:40Yes, that is exactly what is happening.
01:42That is such a good idea.
01:44Ew, why else would I run a red light?
01:46I got you for speeding.
01:47Are you saying you also ran a red light?
01:49Whoa!
01:49Oh, God, they're getting closer.
01:54Officer, it'd be so fun to go over all of the various infractions
01:58my, you know, what the hell, husband here committed.
02:01But if I weren't wearing tights, you would see that I am crowning.
02:05So thank you so much, but I think we got it from here.
02:07Which hospital are you headed to?
02:10The one that's this way.
02:13It's San Francisco Medical.
02:15He doesn't know where anything is.
02:16It's amazing I even got pregnant.
02:18Okay, I'm going to give you an escort.
02:20Follow me.
02:21This is really exciting.
02:22No, no, you don't have to do that!
02:24Follow me!
02:25Exciting!
02:27Are they going to get away with us?
02:28Who cares?
02:28This is awesome.
02:29We have a police escort.
02:30I can't be anything without you.
02:37Well, we're definitely going to be late for the premiere, but screw it!
02:45How great is a police escort?
02:46It's a lot more fun when the cops are in front of you.
02:50Uh, all right, so when we get to the hospital, I'm going to drop you off at the front door
02:53and pick you up at the back door.
02:54It'd be really cool if you just jumped in and I never had to stop.
02:57But don't do that.
02:59I won't.
03:00Not because I'm pregnant, but because I'm not wearing the right shoes.
03:03I'm going to call Abby.
03:07Hello?
03:09Hey, it's Billy.
03:10Um, Zach and I are in a little situation, so until we can get there, can you go to the
03:15premiere and hold our seats?
03:16Oh, no!
03:20I suppose I could do that.
03:23Billy wants us to go to the premiere for her.
03:25Oh!
03:25First, just grab a stroller and get the hell out of here.
03:35I don't like this one.
03:37The lumbar support is terrible.
03:39And I don't understand the purpose of these bees.
03:43Oh, they buzz.
03:45That's pretty cool.
03:47Okay, we got to get this one.
03:49Four hundred dollars?
03:52Oh.
03:54Bees sold separately?
03:57What do they need a fancy stroller for anyway?
04:00When I was a girl growing up in Scotland, my mother used to push me around in a wheelbarrow
04:04filled with dead rabbits and spent ammunition.
04:08Yeah, I'd say you'd just get the breast bump.
04:10That thing tickled.
04:12Hey, wait, wait, wait.
04:13Maybe this guy can help us out.
04:15He looks like one of my kind.
04:16You mean an online community college dropout?
04:20God, you are flirtatious today.
04:24Hey, uh...
04:26Yo.
04:26On break, talk to Kathy.
04:28She'll be very excited to help you.
04:30Actually, I was hoping that you could help me out, Broseph.
04:36Oh, I don't have anything on me right now, man.
04:39But if you come back at five, my boy Kwame will hook you up.
04:42My friends and I are looking for a stroller.
04:46If you know what I mean.
04:48I do if you mean you're looking for a stroller.
04:53We could really use a discount, though.
04:56If you know what I'm saying.
04:58I do if you mean you want to pay less money.
05:03See?
05:03It's unspoken.
05:05No, it's spoken.
05:06Are these two cool?
05:10Man, I'm more than cool.
05:11I'm black.
05:14But...
05:14Employee discount covers immediate family members also.
05:19So give me some cash, and I'll get you any stroller for half off.
05:23But when you have to be my brother...
05:26Probably me.
05:28All right, it's go time.
05:31Just as soon as I finish this game.
05:37You do realize that's a calculator, right?
05:41No wonder this was so hard.
05:45You weren't kidding about this police escort, huh?
05:47That's how I do things.
05:49Hardcore.
05:50If you're my friend, I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.
05:52If you're my enemy, I will hunt you down.
05:53It will end badly for you and everyone you care about.
05:58So anyway, you have been wonderful.
06:02I mean, what is the opposite of police brutality?
06:05Police total awesomeness?
06:08Okay, you stay with her.
06:09I'm going to try and find a nurse.
06:12God, this guy's not leaving until he sees my cervix.
06:17This is your lucky day.
06:18This is my girlfriend, Brenda.
06:20She just started her shift.
06:21Hi, guys.
06:22This is exciting.
06:23That's what I said.
06:25Could this have worked out any better or what?
06:27I don't think so.
06:29I mean, you are a cop.
06:31Your girlfriend's a nurse.
06:33The only way this could be more fantastic
06:34is if your dad was a pediatrician.
06:37No, he's a bail bondsman.
06:39I'll take his card.
06:47Look.
06:48Here's the red carpet.
06:50Wait.
06:50Final check before our first red carpet photo session.
06:54Panty line?
06:55Clear.
06:56How about me?
06:56Any twitching?
06:57Oh, the right eye just a little.
07:00Huh?
07:00Okay, so remember, we're going to take our time.
07:07Step, pose, smile.
07:10Step, pose, smile.
07:13Fiona, who are you wearing?
07:15Are you in Tiger's speed dial?
07:18We're up.
07:19Posture?
07:20Posture.
07:20Oh, it's nobody.
07:30They must have won a contest.
07:39Dude, are you okay?
07:40I just get really nervous when I have to lie to Robbie.
07:43The dude's like a Jedi.
07:45I swear to God, one day he choked me from across a room.
07:47No, no, just calm down and keep it short, okay?
07:52The less words, the fewer.
07:54Here he comes.
07:56Ian?
07:57Once again, there's coleslaw in your beard.
08:00How can I help you, folks?
08:03Uh, Robbie, this is my brother, Don Novin, and his wife, Marcy, and their cool friend,
08:11Lynx.
08:13They're visiting from Las Vegas, where Donovan repairs video poker machines, and Marcy works
08:18as a hostess.
08:20Cupcakes marketing executive, because that's where the hostess corporate headquarters is.
08:26Anyway, they're pregnant, and, uh, I told them I could get that stroller, uh, with my
08:31discount, because they're visiting from Vegas.
08:36Ian, for the last time, they don't have to be your family members to get the discount.
08:40It's your discount.
08:42Anyone you want can use it.
08:44Is he trying to trick me?
08:47Dude, I gotta get a job here, because clearly you cannot be fired.
08:50Okay, great.
08:57All filled out, Mr. and Mrs. Frizenchinson.
09:02Thus, we've got to get you a room.
09:04Your water broke, Missy.
09:05This baby is coming.
09:07You know, I think only some of it broke, because it still feels pretty sloshy in there.
09:13So, uh, maybe I just need to drink some Gatorade and top off the tank.
09:15Oh, good.
09:17It is so important to have a sense of humor when dealing with the horrific pain you're
09:20about to go through.
09:24All right, let's get the hell out of here.
09:28I can walk.
09:29Yeah, like a fat guy in quicksand.
09:32Whoa.
09:32Okay.
09:33Okay.
09:39Okay, you know what?
09:41This was fun at first, but now it's getting ridiculous.
09:44I'm just gonna go tell the cop that we were late for a thing, and we were trying to get
09:48out of a ticket.
09:49It happens all the time.
09:49You'll probably think it's funny.
09:50Or shoot us.
09:51Either way.
09:52Yeah.
09:53I'm gonna need you not to do that.
09:55Why?
09:56It's just one ticket.
09:58Which, when you add to the other four I have, makes five.
10:02Five tickets?
10:04Well, six if you count that scary red envelope I got in the mail.
10:08What did it say?
10:09The words that popped out were, failure to comply, warrant for your arrest, and this
10:14is the last notice you will receive.
10:16And then I never heard from him again.
10:26Okay, so I'm not going to the premiere.
10:28The father of my baby is a fugitive.
10:30And we're stuck in a closet with some questionable fumes.
10:34The fumes are bleach.
10:35Thank God you're here.
10:39I can't believe you didn't tell me that.
10:41Is there anything else I should know?
10:43I didn't pay my taxes last year.
10:45I'm kidding.
10:46I never pay my taxes.
10:49Wow, tough closet.
10:51Zach, this is no joke.
10:52If you get caught, you could go to jail.
10:54But a more pressing concern, I have to tinkle like nobody's business.
10:59I can take care of that?
11:00How?
11:01How can you take care of that?
11:04Ta-da!
11:05Wow, you are my knight in shining armor.
11:11Put tube A into slot C.
11:14Fine.
11:15Just let me finish putting the stroller together first.
11:20But you're making a mess of it.
11:22Just hold the thing still.
11:23Looks like we're all out of hands.
11:50I've wanted this for so long.
11:58I know.
11:59You're one sexy Scotswoman.
12:03Oh, you are hotter than a pan of ragged.
12:06Oh, you're so dirty.
12:08I'm sorry for all the insulting things I've said about you.
12:12That's okay.
12:13Most of them are true.
12:14The foxes left the handouts.
12:22It's just us.
12:23We don't need a code.
12:26Copy that, Flying Squirrel.
12:28How much time do we have?
12:33Twice as much time as we need.
12:34You're pants are vibrating.
12:47I'm sorry.
12:48This has never happened to me before.
12:51No, it's your phone.
12:53All right, of course.
12:55Because I can go for hours.
12:56I'm sorry, Olivia.
13:05I gotta go.
13:06I gotta go help Billy and Zach.
13:08So you just drop everything and run whenever they call?
13:11Because you are such a little bitch.
13:15You're the bitch, bitch.
13:17Okay, okay.
13:23I'll be right back, okay?
13:24Just don't go anywhere.
13:28Start without me.
13:33Well, the mop isn't in there.
13:36I just don't know where it could be.
13:38I better go fill out a report.
13:46Wow.
13:48I'll never be able to hear the words
13:49Policeman's Ball again without laughing.
13:54Knows that, too?
13:59There's something there.
14:05Hey, buddy.
14:06Can you move?
14:10Take that as a note.
14:14Okay, new plan.
14:15We're gonna fashion a cow costume out of this gauze,
14:18and then we'll just mosey on out of here
14:19like a cow walking out of a hospital.
14:23I gotta tell you,
14:24this whole adorable thing that normally works for you,
14:27it's not really working right now.
14:32How about now?
14:34Hey, look, look, look.
14:36I know you're 22,
14:38and you should be able to screw up and laugh it off,
14:40and as soon as you take your shirt off,
14:41everybody loves you.
14:42I was the same way.
14:45But we have to grow up,
14:47and we have, like, three weeks in which to do that
14:48because I don't think our baby
14:49is going to find any of this funny.
14:53Did you cry?
14:54I don't know.
14:55It might be the bleach.
14:58You're right.
14:59I'm sorry.
15:01Okay, I can grow up in three weeks.
15:03I mean, I learned sophomore year Spanish in three weeks.
15:06Really?
15:08Oui.
15:09Oui.
15:09Oui.
15:09Oui.
15:09Oui.
15:10Oui.
15:10Oui.
15:10Oui.
15:11Oui.
15:12Oui.
15:13Oui.
15:14Oui.
15:15Oui.
15:16Oui.
15:17Oui.
15:18Oui.
15:19Oui.
15:20Oui.
15:21Oui.
15:22Oui.
15:23Oui.
15:23Oui.
15:24Why would I think anybody would care about me?
15:27Do you want to try walking down the red carpet again?
15:29What?
15:29Did you not hear the names they called us?
15:31And that was off the top of their head.
15:33Now they've had time to think.
15:36The only people getting their pictures taken
15:37are fancy people.
15:40Or someone standing next to fancy people.
15:43Their bodyguards all roped off
15:45can't just run up there
15:46like they're giving away hands.
15:48Or can we?
15:50What are you doing with your EpiPen?
15:52Did you touch a peanut?
15:53Or get stung by a bean?
15:54Roll up your pant leg.
15:55Let's do this.
15:56No.
15:56Just go with me.
15:57We're having an emergency.
15:58Oh.
15:59Oh.
15:59Oh.
16:00Oh.
16:01Did anybody lose an Epi thingy?
16:08Oh my God.
16:10Oh my God.
16:10It's my husband.
16:11He just touched a peanut.
16:13Coming through.
16:14Excuse me.
16:14Emergency.
16:17I love you so much.
16:18You saved my husband's life.
16:42You a nurse?
16:43Yes.
16:45Yes.
16:45Is this your station?
16:48Yes.
16:49Is that a supply closet?
16:51Yes.
16:53Would you say that supply closet
16:54is the supply closet
16:55directly across from the nurse's station?
16:58Yes.
17:00And we're on the third floor?
17:03Yes.
17:04And that's a gurney blocking
17:05the supply closet
17:06directly across from the nurse's station
17:08on the third floor?
17:10Yes.
17:10And would you ever consider
17:12going out with me?
17:14No.
17:15Then what the hell's my father
17:17doing in the hallway?
17:19We're leaving, Dad.
17:20Immediately.
17:21You cannot move the gurney.
17:22We're waiting for his stone to pass.
17:27Is everybody still staring at me?
17:30Yes, they are.
17:31How's my hair?
17:33I don't think they're staring
17:34at your hair.
17:37Oh.
17:38Got an email from my mom.
17:40Oh, my God.
17:42It's all over the Internet.
17:46You okay, honey?
17:48Are you kidding?
17:49My boob is a celebrity.
17:54Davis, what's the rush?
17:56Well, I was working on a
17:57crossword puzzle
17:58when you guys called,
17:59and, uh...
18:00You know, that feeling you get
18:01when you get halfway
18:02through a crossword puzzle
18:03and it's just
18:04lying on your couch
18:05waiting for you to finish it?
18:06I'm going to go home,
18:08finish the crossword puzzle,
18:10turn it over,
18:10and finish it again.
18:12God, I love
18:13the crossword puzzles.
18:14Slow down.
18:17Or that will happen.
18:18Oh, my God.
18:20It's Officer Roberts.
18:22What?
18:22This guy is all
18:23over our ass today.
18:25Okay, let me plan.
18:26Um, we had the baby
18:28after a grueling
18:3015 minutes of labor,
18:31and I'm still at the hospital.
18:34You guys are racing home
18:35to get me my favorite
18:36nightgown
18:36because this was a
18:37really painful experience,
18:38and I'm tired,
18:39and I just want to relax.
18:40Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
18:41I'll save it
18:41for the big day.
18:42Oh, God.
18:43Oh!
18:50Officer Roberts!
18:52Or should I say
18:53Uncle Officer Roberts?
18:56She had the baby?
18:57Already?
18:58It was beautiful.
18:59Except for when
19:00the poop came out.
19:02Yeah, that was humiliating
19:03for everybody.
19:05I almost didn't finish
19:06my burger.
19:08Yeah, we were just racing home
19:09to pick up a few things,
19:10but I'm glad you pulled us over
19:12because we haven't settled
19:14on a name yet,
19:15so let's just cut to the chase.
19:17What's your first name?
19:19Marion.
19:22Marion.
19:24Done.
19:27That is so sweet.
19:30Go on home, Daddy.
19:32Bet your woman are things.
19:34Oh, son of a bitch!
19:37What the hell was that?
19:39I bought the baby
19:41a Tickle Me Elmo doll.
19:42He's teaching kids
19:44to say the craziest things
19:45these days.
19:46Sweet mother of God,
19:47this thing is really
19:48coming out of me!
19:51Yeah, you'll be hearing that
19:52on the playground real soon.
19:53Zach, we're having a baby!
20:10We're having a baby!
20:10We're having a baby!
20:11We're having a baby!
20:11We're having a baby!
20:12We're having a baby!
20:12We're having a baby!
20:12We're having a baby!
20:13We're having a baby!
20:13We're having a baby!
20:14We're having a baby!
20:14We're having a baby!
20:15We're having a baby!
20:15We're having a baby!
20:16We're having a baby!
20:17We're having a baby!
20:18We're having a baby!
20:19We're having a baby!
20:20We're having a baby!
20:21We're having a baby!
20:22We're having a baby!
20:23We're having a baby!
20:24We're having a baby!
20:25We're having a baby!
20:26We're having a baby!
20:27We're having a baby!
20:28We're having a baby!
20:29We're having a baby!
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