- 2 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Charlie, you in there?
00:03What? I'm in the shower!
00:05What?
00:06What?
00:08What?
00:09What?
00:09Ugh, damn it.
00:11What the hell? I'm naked.
00:13You better have a fistful of singles or get out.
00:16Yeah, whatever. You couldn't hear me.
00:18Now, don't look. I gotta pee.
00:20There's two other bathrooms in this house.
00:23Yeah, well, I'm in a hurry.
00:24And I gotta talk to you.
00:26Can you handle Sam's sleepover this weekend?
00:29Oh, man, I really wish I could.
00:30I have big plans,
00:32which I'm desperately trying to come up with even as we speak.
00:36Well, I have actual plans.
00:38A guy invited me to Palm Springs for the weekend to play golf.
00:41You don't play golf.
00:42He's a cosmetic dentist. He's rich. I play golf.
00:47Uh-uh, no way. This is why we have a schedule.
00:50Okay, I'm gonna approach this differently.
00:56That's one!
00:57You're gonna scold me into a sleepover?
01:00Let's ask the toilet.
01:02Ah!
01:04Okay, okay, damn you. I'll do it.
01:07Yow!
01:08What the hell was that for?
01:10That's for covering up the tattoo of my name on your butt.
01:13I didn't cover it.
01:15I just added for a good time call and your phone number.
01:18I don't know who I thought was gonna say it,
01:20but it seemed like a funny idea at the time.
01:21I have a quick little topic I'd like to cover before we break.
01:33Someone gave me a negative review on Yelp.
01:37What the hell is Yelp?
01:39It's the sound you make when you sit on your balls.
01:41Yes.
01:46It's also a site where anyone can review anything anonymously.
01:48The complaint was that I go off-topic.
01:50Now, I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions and make a big deal about it,
01:53so maybe you can just tell me who did it.
01:55I knew it was you!
01:55Actually, it wasn't, but I do think you're going off-topic.
02:01All right, forget the Yelp thing.
02:03I'm just gonna let it go.
02:04Anybody have any last things they'd like to discuss?
02:06I knew it was you!
02:08No, uh, I'm a little nervous about a date I got tonight.
02:13Oh!
02:15I'm sorry I didn't realize your group was still in session.
02:17I'll go wait in the kitchen.
02:18That's all right, okay, we're almost done.
02:19Oh, yeah, we're all friends. Here, come on.
02:21Sit down next to Texas Thunder.
02:23Thanks. I'm just gonna grab some coffee and ride out the storm.
02:29Anyway, I've been dating this girl from work for about a month now.
02:34You do know that accidentally walking next to someone on the way to the bathroom isn't dating.
02:39That is how we met.
02:41But now it's real.
02:43So tonight's our fourth date, and we're in that awkward phase.
02:46Right before she gets weirded out and doesn't want a fifth date.
02:49Roland, what's so negative?
02:51Things don't have to work out that way.
02:52Have some confidence in yourself. You're a great guy.
02:55We're not taking opposing views yet, Patrick.
02:58I just wish I was better at liking myself.
03:01That's one of the things I hate about me.
03:05I really just want this one to work out.
03:08I mean, Athena, she's different than the girls I usually date.
03:10When you say different, you mean no angry voicemails, no drunken tirades,
03:14no stealing your car and using it in a liquor store robbery?
03:16Yeah, Debbie was great.
03:20But Athena's different than that.
03:23And she's a gentle lover in bed.
03:26That's right.
03:27We did it.
03:28Sick.
03:29If, for some reason, you make it to a fifth date, I would love to meet this woman and see if she actually exists.
03:38Yeah, and tie her from the radiator and bring her in.
03:42No, I haven't told her I'm in anger therapy yet.
03:46I wouldn't really be comfortable introducing her to the group.
03:49Oh, we'll be nice.
03:51We'll just put her up here on the table, turn her around a couple of times,
03:54see if she's a good-breeding filly.
03:59Because I believe that's the nicest thing that's going to happen to her here.
04:03I'm going to nip this in the bud.
04:05Nolan, I think you should just focus on your date tonight.
04:07So where are you taking her?
04:08Well, there's a discount sushi truck I've been trying to catch up with.
04:13Or else she's the married peasant for drinks.
04:15I go with the peasant.
04:16I mean, unless you're going to propose, then definitely go with the poison sushi.
04:22You're not really going to do that, right?
04:25Do what?
04:27Show up at the bar to help Nolan get to the fifth date with that girl.
04:30What are you talking about?
04:31Oh, please, Charlie.
04:33Why else would you ask him where he's going on his date?
04:36It's for a research paper.
04:38Places patients go on dates.
04:40It's a follow-up to my earlier work.
04:42Bipolar's Guide to Amusement Parks.
04:45You're overly involved in your relationship.
04:46They're not going to be involved in their patients' lives, and it's a big problem.
04:48Look, I'm just going to pretend I'm an old buddy and chat the guy up in front of his date.
04:52Tell her he's solid, dependable, charismatic.
04:56I happen to be a very persuasive, you know, liar.
05:01Charlie, you have a distant mother and a critical father,
05:04and that is why you have an overwhelming need to be loved by everyone, including your patients.
05:08Or I just want to help my patients have a healthier life.
05:11I guess you don't.
05:13My God.
05:14How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
05:16Except for the fact that you're very, very pretty.
05:18So, I was thinking maybe we could go to the Renaissance Fair this weekend.
05:24Are you free?
05:25Yeah.
05:27That would be our fifth date, methinks.
05:30But thine would have to drive, as my car needeth a new belt of timing.
05:34Hey, Nolan.
05:40Charlie, what are you doing here?
05:42I just stopped by for a drink.
05:43Hi, I'm Charlie.
05:44Uh, this is Athena.
05:45Athena, this is, uh, Charlie.
05:47Hi, Charlie.
05:47Hi.
05:48I don't want to bother you two.
05:50It's like you're having fun.
05:51But obviously, everybody has fun with Nolan.
05:53Solid, dependable, charismatic Nolan.
05:56We have a great time whenever we're hanging out.
05:58So, how do you guys know each other?
06:00Uh, Charlie's my, uh, urologist.
06:02Really?
06:03Hey, you're his penis doctor.
06:06Yes.
06:08Because that's what a urologist is.
06:11Oh.
06:12So, my penis is fine, right?
06:15It's delightful.
06:18Charlie, excuse me.
06:19There's a guy at the bar who's really lit, and he's pissed because I had to cut him off.
06:23I think I need your professional skills.
06:24Oh, my God.
06:25Is something wrong with his penis?
06:27I'm off the clock, Brett.
06:29Maybe you should call the cops and go handle it.
06:30No, you're an anger management therapist,
06:32and you're right here.
06:34Wait.
06:35Is that how you know him?
06:38Were you just lying to me?
06:39Are you in anger therapy?
06:41Well, maybe, kinda.
06:42Yeah.
06:45I'm just gonna handle this myself.
06:50I can't believe this.
06:51Athena, it's not what you think.
06:52It is exactly what I think.
06:54Someone lied to me right to my face.
06:56Don't call me.
06:57Don't come over.
06:58We're done.
07:03Okay, before you say anything, let me just say,
07:06dinner's on me.
07:12Whatever plans you have today, break them.
07:15That's a problem, because my plan today was to break all my plans.
07:18Now I'm confused.
07:19Here.
07:22What are these?
07:23Space is available for your new office.
07:25Why?
07:25Are they bulldozing my living room and putting in a new shopping mall?
07:29You know how you're not supposed to work in your bed because it's where you sleep?
07:32I don't know if I agree.
07:33I think I do some of my best work in bed.
07:36Yes, you do.
07:37You show up whenever you're supposed to, and you keep a tidy workspace,
07:41and you've gone 110 days without an accident.
07:43My point is, having patients in your home makes you feel like they're your family,
07:49and that just encourages you to get over-involved in their lives.
07:52Will you stop worrying about that?
07:53I'm telling you, it's not a problem for me.
07:55It is.
07:56You almost went to the bar last night to make sure that your patient had a good date.
08:00I didn't almost go to the bar.
08:03So you went to the bar?
08:04Yes.
08:06And it went badly?
08:08No.
08:09It went horribly?
08:10Yes.
08:14That's Nolan and Athena.
08:15I'm going to help get them back together.
08:16You are in complete denial.
08:18Well, maybe.
08:19It's better than partial denial.
08:20That's so wishy-washy.
08:21I say go big or go home.
08:25I'm so sorry.
08:27I overreacted.
08:28I do that a lot.
08:29That's okay.
08:30Most people think you have to be angry to be in anger therapy,
08:33but there are lots of other related issues, like Nolan's.
08:35Can't lump people together.
08:37Not all the Vikings raped and pillaged.
08:39Some of them just like sailing.
08:40You know, Nolan, those rape analogies don't always work,
08:45but that one is on the money.
08:47I just want you to know that I'm here for you on your journey.
08:51Our journey.
08:52I feel so much better.
08:54Now I don't have to hide anything.
08:55Thank you, Charlie.
08:57I love you, man.
09:00I'm getting a little emotional.
09:02I'll be right back.
09:03Are we done?
09:09Uh, as soon as Nolan gets back from the bathroom, I guess you can go.
09:12Really?
09:13Thanks.
09:15Did I say something wrong?
09:17No.
09:17You're a therapist.
09:18You're God.
09:21Well, we better go.
09:22If we leave now, we can still make the Renaissance fair.
09:25Thanks again for taking the time to explain everything to me so that Nolan and I could get back together.
09:31I won't forget this.
09:34Do you blink?
09:36I don't think you blink.
09:38I don't want to miss anything.
09:40See ya.
09:40Hey, Nolan.
09:49Sent you a couple emails.
09:50Didn't hear anything back.
09:50Is everything all right?
09:51Yeah.
09:51I was over at Athena's and I went to the bathroom.
09:54And when I came back, my computer was smashed on the floor.
09:57Athena said her cat did it.
09:59Her cat?
10:01Yeah.
10:01I mean, her cat's real crazy.
10:03I guess he was playing with my phone and erased all my old girlfriend's numbers.
10:07No, and I've never had a cat, so maybe I'm alarmed for nothing.
10:10It sounds like you, me, and Athena need to have another session.
10:14Not necessary.
10:15I actually want to talk about Athena in group today.
10:17It's very healthy.
10:18Let's get started.
10:20Okay.
10:22Wait, where's Ed?
10:24Turns out, he was the one who complained about me on Yelp.
10:27Apparently, he also complained about the Patriot Act, so now he's down at the Federal Building trying to prove he's not a Honduran national.
10:33Now, I think Nolan has something he'd like to share.
10:36Thanks, Charlie.
10:38I'm leaving the group.
10:39Bye, everybody.
10:41Okay, cool.
10:41My turn.
10:42Hold on.
10:43Hold on.
10:44Patrick.
10:44What do you mean you're leaving, Nolan?
10:47Well, last night, Athena was explaining to me how inappropriate it is for my therapist to be meddling in a patient's personal lives.
10:53And she really knows because she's been in therapy a bunch of times.
10:56I mean, a lot.
10:58What was she in therapy for?
11:01She said it's very complicated and that the records were burned in an unexplained fire in her foster home.
11:06It's weird, huh?
11:08But here's the good news.
11:12We're moving in together.
11:15Bye, everybody.
11:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:17At the risk of being too involved in your personal life, do you really feel you know her well enough to move in with her?
11:23Athena said you'd say the exact same thing.
11:25She's pretty much right about everything.
11:27She said, I don't need to go to therapy anymore because she can tell me what to do.
11:31Nolan, from what I'm hearing, we need to keep talking.
11:35This is a terrible time for you to leave therapy.
11:37What?
11:38This is group.
11:38Why don't we hear what the group has to say?
11:40Okay, I'll go first.
11:42Nolan, there are so many issues, I don't even know where to start.
11:46One, I'm amazed you even know how to get here by yourself.
11:50Two, who would want you with that hair?
11:53Three, think with your head, not with your wiener.
11:57Four, who would want you with that shirt?
12:01Five.
12:01All right, I see you.
12:06But you did say something in there that made sense.
12:08The wiener thing?
12:08Yes.
12:09I knew it.
12:11Nolan, I think your feelings for Athena may be clouding your judgment.
12:15She didn't push me into anything.
12:17She said to take my time and really think about it.
12:25That's Athena.
12:26She misses me.
12:27I gotta go get her stuff from Rebecca's boyfriend's place while he's still at work.
12:38You've gotta help him, Charlie.
12:40It's like watching a baby possum crossing the road at night.
12:44I've hit so many, I can't watch another one die.
12:47Well, then you might want to rinse off your bumper, because here comes a big one.
12:54Hello?
12:55Hey, Charlie.
12:56I feel bad about bailing on you this weekend, so I brought over some snacks for the leave-over.
13:01Oh, thanks.
13:02I've done it myself, but I got a lot of crap going on.
13:06Condoms?
13:07Am I expected to provide sex partners for all these girls?
13:11Those are mine.
13:12Strawberry-flavored?
13:14Your rich cosmetic dentist is not gonna like the sugar in these.
13:17Charlie!
13:17You know, four out of five dentists recommend sugarless condoms for their patients who chew condoms.
13:23Don't give me crap about going away with this guy.
13:25I already feel bad enough missing Sam's sleepover.
13:28Tell me about guilt.
13:30I tried to help a patient with his girlfriend, and I broke them up.
13:33Then I get them back together, and it turns out she's unstable.
13:35You know, this feels really nice, like old times, talking about your problems.
13:40And if I wasn't on my way to screw some guy in Palm Desert, I would so stay and help you working out.
13:45I understand.
13:46You have to trap a man into loving you.
13:47I get it.
13:49Yeah, thank you.
13:50Thanks for having me.
13:53Hey, how's it going?
13:55They're texting about how lame this is.
13:57How do you know?
13:58They're texting me.
14:01What, is there anything I can do to help?
14:03How about some Pictionary?
14:05You know, fun stuff is supposed to happen spontaneously.
14:09Oh.
14:10Oh my God, look, it's Pictionary for no reason.
14:15Caitlin with a K wants you to leave because you're annoying.
14:19And Caitlin with a C says you're not annoying, which is boring.
14:23I think I know why she spells it with a C.
14:29Hello?
14:30Nolan, how are you?
14:32Are you okay?
14:33Pretty good.
14:35I'm at the Sun Valley battered women's shelter.
14:40You're what?
14:41It was the nearest place they could take me.
14:43Turns out Athena has anger issues.
14:45Could have used a heads up on that.
14:47I am so sorry, Nolan.
14:49Where's Athena now?
14:51She took off.
14:51Police are looking for it.
14:53Can you please pick me up?
14:54Uh, it'd be kind of hard for me right now, and I'm not sure it'd be appropriate, Nolan.
14:59Isn't there anybody else you can call?
15:00I tried Lacey, but she didn't pick up.
15:02Because anybody you can call who actually cares about you.
15:04That's why I called you.
15:08Look, I can't go back to my house.
15:10I gave a key to Athena.
15:11It's kind of ironic, because she stuck it in my eye.
15:14Look, Nolan, uh...
15:15I need a ride quick.
15:16You're not exactly pro-dude here.
15:22Of course I'll be there.
15:24You just hang tight at the shelter.
15:25I'm on my way.
15:27What the hell's going on?
15:28Why is somebody at a shelter?
15:30And why is there no pizza?
15:31I thought this was a sleepover.
15:34One of my patients got beat up by his girlfriend.
15:37Look, I'm in a bind here.
15:38I need you to do me a favor and watch the girls.
15:40No.
15:41I can't bring all these girls to a battered women's shelter.
15:43Their parents will crucify me.
15:44But you can leave them with the beer-drinking neighbor
15:47who had a pot brownie about an hour ago
15:49and is still feeling pretty good.
15:51Okay, Cheech.
15:53Just hang here and help yourself
15:54with anything in the fridge.
15:55There's egg salad and leftover sloppy joes.
15:57Awesome.
15:58I'm gonna make myself an eggy joe.
16:03Would you guys mind if I left for about an hour
16:04to run an errand?
16:05I don't know.
16:06I don't trust myself with liquor in the house.
16:10Okay, who wants to go to In-N-Out Burger?
16:13I want to go.
16:14Joe, eat your eggy joe.
16:16All right, on the way back,
16:17I gotta make a quick stop to grab a buddy of mine.
16:19And all I ask is that you don't tell your parents
16:21about this little detour.
16:22Are we going on a drug run?
16:24No, we're not going on a drug run.
16:25I want to go.
16:26I said we're not going on a drug run.
16:28Eat your goddamn eggy joe!
16:33Sorry, kids.
16:34What happened to your face?
16:43I'll answer that, Nolan.
16:45He had an accident giving his cat a bath.
16:48Yeah, whiskers can be pretty ferocious
16:50when she's been drinking.
16:53Why were you at a woman's shelter?
16:54Okay, I think it's time to tell him the truth
16:58about what really happened to you.
17:01Nolan is a reporter for Time Magazine.
17:05Doing an expose on what it's like
17:07to be a man living in a woman's shelter.
17:09Then he walked into a door.
17:13You must be a pretty crappy therapist
17:15if you don't know domestic abuse when you see it.
17:17Ruby's right.
17:22Nolan is a victim of domestic abuse.
17:24I'm really sorry everybody had to be involved in this.
17:27It's all my fault.
17:28I should have known.
17:29You don't unload a dishwasher
17:30while someone's on the phone.
17:36Check it out.
17:38Your daughter and her friends did some makeup on me.
17:41Turns out I have combination skin.
17:42Lacey, what are you doing here?
17:47You texted me.
17:49Oh, you mean, why do I care?
17:51You know, Charlie's always saying
17:52we should give a crap about each other.
17:54Touched, Lacey.
17:55Yeah, well, I figured I'd try it once
17:56to get you off my ass.
17:59So where's the bitch that hit you?
18:01I don't know.
18:02She hasn't texted me back yet.
18:03What, what, what?
18:04You texted her?
18:06I didn't want her to worry.
18:08Dad, there's some woman outside of the house
18:10yelling for Nolan.
18:11I think she's drunk.
18:12How do you know that?
18:13She keeps yelling, I'm drunk.
18:16Ah, crap.
18:17All right, take all your friends upstairs.
18:19Tell them there's 20 bucks
18:19in if every kid doesn't text their parents.
18:21If they give you any lip, go to 30.
18:25Okay, okay, just wait here.
18:27I'm gonna go out there,
18:28try to talk her down
18:28before this thing gets any further out of control.
18:30I got this.
18:31Lacey.
18:33Lacey.
18:34Nolan, baby, come outside.
18:36I don't want to talk to you.
18:37I don't want to talk to you, too.
18:39Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down.
18:40Nothing was ever solved
18:41by hitting someone with a giant spoon.
18:42I'm responsible for this.
18:46I'm the one who has to do something about it.
18:48You're right.
18:48You should be doing something.
18:50Here, hold my earrings.
18:51Lacey.
18:52You've never seen how mean she is.
18:53She's drunk.
18:54She'll kill you.
18:55Take the big fork, too.
18:58Lacey, sit down.
19:00Nolan, listen to me.
19:02I get it now.
19:03I don't care if you like me or hate me anymore,
19:05but watching you stand here
19:06ready to let Lacey go out
19:07and fight for you with cutlery,
19:09no matter how big,
19:10is the last straw.
19:13I failed you as a therapist.
19:15No way.
19:16So I'm gonna go out there,
19:17get rid of Athena,
19:18then you're gonna find a new therapist
19:19who can help you.
19:20Nolan!
19:21Wait!
19:22Come on!
19:22Give me the spoon.
19:24You're not going out there.
19:25Charlie's not going out there.
19:27I'm the only one going out there.
19:29And I can only be stopped with a kiss.
19:32I'm not gonna kiss you.
19:34Charlie, you?
19:35I didn't think I would send the wrong message.
19:38Okay.
19:40Here I go.
19:44Baby, I miss you!
19:45You're really gonna let him go out there alone?
19:47You know what?
19:48He really needs to do this.
19:52See?
19:54They're talking.
19:56She's turning around.
19:58Walking to her car.
20:01She's getting in.
20:02Now she's driving away.
20:05And now she's turning around.
20:09Now she's chasing Nolan.
20:11Call the cops.
20:11I gotta go.
20:14Drop the spoon and run, man!
20:22Hey.
20:24I'm not getting strawberry.
20:26They're like otter pops.
20:27They all taste the same.
20:31So anyway.
20:34Lacey grabs a giant spoon to go after Athena.
20:37But Nolan stopped her and went outside
20:38and got chased up a tree by a Toyota 4Runner.
20:41And this all happened in front of a bunch of screaming little girls.
20:44Well, I think I know what the giant spoon represents.
20:47No, no, no.
20:47This wasn't a dream.
20:48It actually happened.
20:48So what was the final outcome?
20:53Well, you were right and I was right.
20:54I inspired Lacey with my methods,
20:56but I inspired Nolan with yours.
20:57But by using your methods, I made them mine.
20:59So it was a total victory for me.
21:03Good for you.
21:04You know, if you want another victory tonight,
21:06you're gonna have to give it to yourself.
21:08Here's banana.
21:09Tastes like strawberry.
21:10Don't do it.
21:22I don't don't worry.
21:26Haha.
21:27You...
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