- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, God!
00:06See, this is why I do not play basketball.
00:10I fell running back from the Suvlaki truck.
00:13David, hurry up!
00:14Oh, God! Oh, God!
00:17Come on, I think there's some Band-Aids in the bathroom.
00:25I don't know what that was, but it wasn't hummus.
00:30Well, what do we have here?
00:34Hey, guys.
00:35Zach, this is Nicole.
00:37She's the best baby nurse in the whole city.
00:39The couple she was supposed to work for just got indicted for fraud,
00:42so they don't need a baby nurse,
00:43because their baby nurse is now the state of California.
00:46Isn't that great?
00:47Yeah, nice to meet you. What's a baby nurse?
00:49Oh.
00:51Well, she'll be spending the night with us
00:52for the first couple weeks to help us out,
00:54and if she's not here, my mother will be here,
00:56so I don't think I need to finish that thought.
01:00Oh, what happened to your knee?
01:03Oh, just, you know, sports injury.
01:07Damn my extreme manly athleticism.
01:11Oh, my God, it's really bleeding.
01:12Oh, okay, why don't I help you with that?
01:15Oh.
01:15I also have a spider bite on my tushy.
01:21She's so fantastic, I didn't even interview anyone else.
01:24She just knocked it out of the park.
01:26I've got a nursing degree from Cal,
01:27a long list of references,
01:29and for what it's worth,
01:30I think you're going to be a great mother.
01:33And I'd never believe you were 37.
01:35You're hired.
01:35What made you decide to do this?
01:44My mom called, and she's like,
01:45you're never going to be able to handle a baby.
01:47I'm like, are you calling me
01:48just to make me feel bad about myself?
01:50She's like, no, I'm calling to pay for a baby nurse,
01:51so I'm like, all right, I love you, bye.
01:56How's that?
02:02Perfect.
02:02Perfect.
02:02Perfect.
02:02Perfect.
02:05I'm telling you, Zach,
02:09she is our savior.
02:11You and I have been doing things all wrong.
02:12All wrong.
02:14Like that changing table?
02:16What's wrong with the changing table?
02:17I built that changing table.
02:19Nicole said it's a death trap.
02:21It's fine.
02:22My mom used to change me on a hibachi grill.
02:26She also said you'd make a sarcastic remark.
02:30She said I'd make an obscene gesture.
02:35Some nurse lady I don't even know
02:41is in there baby-proofing.
02:43You know how hard it is to take a pee
02:45in the middle of the night
02:46with a lock on your toilet?
02:49Dude, I can see how you might feel
02:50like she's encroaching on your turf,
02:52but you gotta look at her like this, man.
02:55She is hot.
02:56I mean, what does a baby nurse even do?
03:00In the middle of the night,
03:02she squeezes Billy's breasts
03:03to get the milk out.
03:06Are you ready, Billy?
03:08Are you kidding?
03:09This is my favorite time of night.
03:20You see, I feel like I should be consultant
03:21on who's squeezing Billy's breasts at night.
03:23Well, I'm glad you're open to suggestion
03:26because I would like to throw my hat
03:27into the ring.
03:29I mean, come on, Zach.
03:30Like, you wouldn't have chosen Nicole.
03:31No, I wouldn't have, man.
03:32She's got the crazy eyes.
03:36Remember that girl I dated
03:37a couple times last year, Candy?
03:39Oh, Candy.
03:40I miss Candy.
03:42Well, this chick, Nicole,
03:43gives me the same crazy vibe
03:45that Candy did.
03:46Oh, hey, Nicole.
03:48Is it?
03:49Remember me from the bathroom?
03:51And he's never been better.
03:52I can kick, I can jump.
03:54Ah, Annie.
03:56Dude.
03:57Settle.
03:59Come on, let's go to Fernickens
04:00so we can return the changing table.
04:01Oh, yeah, just give me an hour or two
04:03and then I'll take it apart.
04:04Oh, I did it already.
04:05Took me, like, three minutes.
04:08I love you.
04:09I mean, thank you.
04:10Oh, screw it.
04:11I freaking love you.
04:14So, Abby and Olivia
04:15are gonna meet us at Fernickens
04:16because Olivia has to pick out
04:17a present for her mom.
04:18Oh, the whole day
04:18with just us girls.
04:19Maybe our periods will sync up.
04:25Okay.
04:27Usually when we leave,
04:28you guys leave, so...
04:30Who wants to race me to the door?
04:34Uh, I don't think so, Mama.
04:35It's March Madness
04:36and you got the sports package.
04:38I do not have the sports package.
04:40What is he talking about?
04:42I bought it without asking you.
04:44Imagine that.
04:45All right.
04:48Ah!
04:50Stay away from Nicole.
04:52Do not talk to her.
04:53Do not accidentally grind on her
04:55as she walks by.
04:57And don't do that thing
04:58where you fake choke
04:58so that she has to give you
04:59mouth to mouth.
05:01I was really choking.
05:03You had an erection.
05:08Everybody has that.
05:09It's called a near-death erection.
05:10Well, you're going to have
05:14another near-death erection
05:16if you bother, Nicole.
05:20Do not even think about it.
05:24Ease up, Rain Sheriff.
05:26I won't even think about it.
05:31It's kind of hot in here.
05:32Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
05:42I can't be anything
05:44without you.
05:54Oh, my God.
05:56Nicole packed me almonds.
05:59Don't forget your kegels.
06:00Those are these exercises
06:03you do to strengthen
06:03your pelvic floor muscles.
06:05Yeah, you told me.
06:06Makes your vagina bionic.
06:08I'm going to go grab us
06:09a number.
06:10Zach, get those chairs
06:11before the family gets in there.
06:12That old lady looks tired.
06:13Go, go.
06:14I need to buy my mom
06:15a birthday present.
06:17What do you buy
06:18an angry 65-year-old
06:19Scottish alcoholic
06:20who has everything
06:21because she's also
06:22a kleptomaniac?
06:24Well, I'm sure you'll find
06:25something because you are
06:26in the right place.
06:27Swedes are known
06:28for their festive kitchen items.
06:29How did you know that?
06:31Oh, I love this place.
06:33Ever since I bought
06:34my first Furnican cookie sheet,
06:35I have been fascinated
06:36with Nordic culture.
06:37Did you know
06:38that Vikings invented
06:39non-consensual sex?
06:41Oh.
06:441.41,
06:45and they are on 10.
06:48We estimate five minutes
06:49for every person in here.
06:50I'll be giving birth
06:51in this chair.
06:51If my water breaks,
06:54I'm cutting in line.
06:56Oh, this is great.
06:57I'd rather be here
06:58than watching basketball
06:59with my friends.
07:00Okay, that's like
07:01the fourth snarky thing
07:02you said in the last 10 minutes,
07:03and you're ruining
07:04the word snarky for me
07:05because here a snarky
07:05is fried dough
07:06dipped in powdered sugar.
07:08Look, I'm just kind of pissed
07:10about this whole Nicole thing.
07:11At least you could have
07:11discussed it with me
07:12before you hired her.
07:13I had to move fast.
07:14There were other couples
07:15after her.
07:16Okay, let me ask you this.
07:18What if you came home
07:19and found out
07:19that I had hired somebody
07:20to take care of something
07:21without asking you?
07:22Like, I don't know,
07:24a sex person.
07:26A sex person?
07:27Yeah.
07:28You walk in
07:28and me and some girl
07:29are going to town
07:30on each other
07:30and I look over to you
07:31and I say,
07:32it's okay, Billy.
07:32My mom's paying for this.
07:35I would be happy
07:36that your mom
07:37was finally willing
07:38to pony up some money.
07:41It's just if you
07:42had included me,
07:43I could have told you
07:44that I had a gut feeling
07:45that something was wrong
07:46with Nicole.
07:47Nicole is sweet
07:48and nurturing
07:49and an excellent choice
07:51and my gut
07:52is three times
07:52the size of yours
07:53so my gut is smarter.
07:59Applesauce, my lady?
08:01No, thank you.
08:02I'm going to stick with water.
08:05Oh.
08:06Oh.
08:07Such a clutch.
08:11Oh.
08:14You really work
08:15up a sweat baby proofing.
08:16Yes.
08:17The ventilation
08:18is subpar.
08:25So who's playing?
08:26Uh, Texas and Marquette.
08:28Who you guys
08:28are in for?
08:29I need Texas
08:30and Ryan needs Marquette.
08:32So do you guys
08:32want to do a three-way?
08:34Oh.
08:37Oh.
08:38Uh.
08:40That is so sweet.
08:41for legal reasons
08:47I think we should
08:47clarify here.
08:48Okay.
08:49Now are you talking
08:50about you having sex
08:52with the both of us
08:53at the same time?
08:56Yes.
08:59Now are you willing
08:59to sign something
09:00to that effect?
09:04Look,
09:04I'm going to go
09:05take a shower
09:06and if you're naked
09:07when I get back,
09:09I'll know we're on.
09:12Dude,
09:26what are you doing?
09:28What are you doing?
09:29When you roll
09:30with the big dog,
09:31this is the kind
09:31of stuff that happens.
09:34This has never
09:35happened to you.
09:36I know,
09:36I'm scared.
09:38What do you think
09:39we should do?
09:39Relax, okay?
09:40We don't have to make
09:40any decisions yet.
09:42But just to be safe,
09:44I'm going to go
09:45hose down the undercarriage.
09:48Yeah,
09:49that's a good call.
09:52I'd love to get
09:53a new couch,
09:54but Nick can't
09:55part with ours.
09:56Our cat had kittens
09:57on it and then
09:58a couple years later
09:58Nick's grandmother
09:59died on that couch.
10:02Why?
10:03Were you telling
10:03one of your
10:04fascinating stories?
10:07Someone's in a mood.
10:09Think buying a gift
10:10for your mother
10:10is bringing some
10:11dark stuff
10:12up to the surface.
10:13Every year
10:14I buy her a gift.
10:16I send it off.
10:17And she finds
10:17some reason
10:18to hate it.
10:19Well then
10:20why do you
10:20keep doing it?
10:21Because she's
10:22my mum.
10:27Olivia.
10:27Olivia.
10:31Olivia,
10:32come on,
10:32open the door.
10:35I'm never coming out.
10:36health bells.
10:50121?
10:51Yay,
10:52we're in the 120s.
10:54Let's get everything ready.
10:55Do you have the receipt?
10:56I thought you had it.
10:56Oh, crap.
10:59Ricola,
11:00dry hair shampoo,
11:02button that exploded
11:03off my pants.
11:05Ha, dumb.
11:06Oh, there you are.
11:08Eight months
11:09too late.
11:12Damn,
11:12I must have left it
11:13at the apartment.
11:14Zach!
11:15What?
11:16Call Nicole.
11:18Nicole taught me
11:19how to do that.
11:26She's not picking up.
11:27Oh, that's great.
11:28Hey, Nicole,
11:29I was just calling
11:29to check on my baby
11:30but you're not there
11:31so maybe you sold it.
11:33I'm sure there's
11:34a reasonable explanation.
11:35I don't just jump
11:36to those conclusions
11:37because unlike you
11:38I have life experience.
11:39Yeah.
11:40You're old.
11:40I got it.
11:42I'm just saying
11:43I know people
11:45and Nicole is
11:46a really good person.
11:47Nicole's a really
11:48dirty person.
11:50She's been in there
11:51a really long time.
11:52Yeah,
11:53she's probably
11:53really soapy.
11:57God, man,
11:58what happens
11:58if we, like,
11:59make eye contact?
12:00I was having some
12:01Davis time
12:03in the bathroom
12:03last week.
12:06Made eye contact
12:07with myself
12:07in the mirror.
12:10Mirror me
12:10looked at the real me
12:11and made this really
12:12disgusting face.
12:16Neither of us
12:17stopped, though.
12:17We both just
12:18powered through.
12:21Now whenever
12:22I catch myself
12:22in the mirror
12:23there's this really
12:23weird hatred.
12:25But also attraction?
12:27It's very awkward.
12:28Davis, man,
12:30there was a girl
12:31in there.
12:35Hello?
12:36Hey, dude,
12:37question.
12:38Can you check
12:38the apartment
12:39and see if we
12:39left the receipt?
12:40Yeah, sure.
12:41No problem.
12:42I have a question
12:43for you.
12:45Uh,
12:46hypothetically speaking,
12:48and by hypothetically
12:49I mean this is
12:50actually about to happen,
12:51how would you feel
12:52about me and Ryan
12:53having a three-way
12:54with your baby nurse?
12:59That's not gonna happen.
13:00Dude, it is.
13:01It was her idea.
13:02You were right about her.
13:03She's crazy.
13:06Is it there?
13:07Oh, yeah,
13:08he found it.
13:10I bet Nicole
13:11is the one
13:12who found it.
13:13Tell him I'll be there
13:14in ten minutes.
13:14Tell you what.
13:21We never spoke
13:21about this
13:22but wait about
13:22nine minutes
13:23and then give her
13:24the best two minutes
13:25of her life.
13:25Before we go in there
13:36to do this threesome,
13:37we gotta straighten
13:38something out.
13:40If Nicole was like
13:41the state of California,
13:42do you see yourself
13:44spending more time
13:45up in San Francisco
13:46or down in San Diego?
13:51I see myself in Fresno.
13:54What?
13:55What the hell
13:58is going on here?
14:00Oh, uh,
14:03well, we definitely
14:03weren't gonna have
14:04a threesome
14:04with your baby nurse.
14:06I told you not
14:07to even think about it.
14:09And by the way,
14:09my mom is from Fresno.
14:16We didn't think about it.
14:17It was her idea.
14:18We were just being polite
14:19and we didn't do anything anyway
14:20because we're terrified.
14:21Yeah.
14:22You expect me to believe that?
14:23My lovely, sweet,
14:25professional, Nicole,
14:26who is working her fingers
14:27to the bone
14:27to make this space safe
14:28for my baby,
14:29actually propositioned
14:30the two of you.
14:31Are we gonna do this
14:32or home?
14:41Okay,
14:42couple of things.
14:45One,
14:45is that my teddy?
14:47Two,
14:48so that's what my teddy's
14:48supposed to look up.
14:50And three,
14:51you are so fired,
14:52we need a new word for fired,
14:53but since fired is what you are,
14:55let's just go with fired.
14:57Okay,
14:57still put you down
14:58as a reference.
14:59Are you pleased?
15:02A little bit.
15:06Oh my God,
15:07I was so wrong
15:09about Nicole
15:10and I made such a big deal
15:11about it with Zach.
15:14Oh my God,
15:14I'm never gonna live this
15:15down with him.
15:17Hey,
15:17how about we just keep
15:19this whole Nicole thing
15:20between us?
15:23Yeah,
15:24no problem.
15:25I mean,
15:25you don't tell someone
15:26you almost went to Fresno.
15:32Okay,
15:33whatever is going on
15:34between you and your mom
15:35has got to stop
15:36and we're going to call her
15:37right now.
15:38There is no gift
15:38more valuable
15:39than a daughter's love.
15:41It's 5 a.m.
15:42in Scotland,
15:43so she'll just be
15:44getting back from the pub
15:45or she'll just be
15:46arriving at the pub.
15:48Either way,
15:48I'll call the pub.
15:49I can't do it.
15:55You talk to her.
16:00Hello,
16:01is Mrs. Holland
16:02back there?
16:03Oh,
16:03hi.
16:06This is your daughter
16:08Olivia's American friend,
16:09Abby,
16:10calling from America.
16:13No,
16:13I can't light your cigarette
16:14through the phone.
16:16What good am I?
16:17Anyway,
16:20I understand
16:21you two have been
16:22having some difficult...
16:24Well,
16:24it is my business
16:25because she's my friend.
16:27Yes,
16:28I do know that dirty word
16:29and I don't appreciate
16:30being called that.
16:32Okay,
16:32well,
16:32you can just
16:33take this phone
16:34and stick it
16:34in your pie hole,
16:35you half-witted leprechaun.
16:40So,
16:40mom says hi.
16:41Oh,
16:41oh,
16:41oh,
16:42oh,
16:42oh,
16:42oh,
16:43oh,
16:43oh,
16:44oh,
16:44oh,
16:44oh,
16:44oh,
16:44oh,
16:44oh,
16:44oh,
16:44oh,
16:47she was wearing
16:49your fancy teddy.
16:51If you were going
16:51to seduce two men
16:52in someone else's apartment,
16:54you should really bring
16:54your own lingerie.
16:56I mean,
16:56that's just good manners.
16:58That was my first decision
17:00as a mom.
17:01And what did I do?
17:02I chose an impolite sex maniac
17:04with extremely low standards.
17:06So,
17:07are you gonna get
17:08a new nurse?
17:08No,
17:09I'm going to keep
17:10this baby inside of me
17:11where he is safe
17:11from my poor decision making.
17:14I've been working
17:14on my kegels.
17:15I'll just seal
17:16that sucker up.
17:17This is big already.
17:18I can go bigger.
17:19I'll keep him in there
17:20until he's nine.
17:20If I can go nine,
17:21I can go to 18.
17:22And once he's 18,
17:22I'll plop him out.
17:24He can make his own decisions.
17:26So simple,
17:26I don't know why
17:27no one's ever thought of it.
17:29Why is it you're
17:29so worried about
17:30that I'm gonna be
17:33a terrible mom?
17:35And then what is my kid
17:36gonna think of me?
17:38Well,
17:38I can say
17:39with complete confidence
17:40that I recently spoke
17:42with one of the worst mothers
17:43on the face of the planet.
17:44And this little pumpkin here
17:48comes every year
17:49to this store
17:50to get her a gift
17:51for her obscene,
17:53horrible,
17:54racist,
17:54drunk...
17:55Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:57Don't forget cheap.
18:00Cheap,
18:00sour hag of a mother.
18:03And why does she do this?
18:05Because I love my mom.
18:06Because she loves her mom.
18:16Okay,
18:17I got the receipt.
18:18A lot of traffic.
18:19That's what took me so long.
18:20Oh,
18:21and I let, uh,
18:22Nicole go.
18:23Really?
18:24Really?
18:25But she was so perfect.
18:28What could have happened?
18:30You know,
18:31I did a lot of thinking
18:33and I realized
18:35that I was wrong
18:36not to consult you
18:37in the first place.
18:38It was hard for me,
18:39but
18:39I'm giving in this time.
18:42So let's just say
18:43you owe me one.
18:44Yeah,
18:45I appreciate that.
18:45But she was great.
18:46We should really go with her.
18:47No,
18:47it's too late.
18:48It's done.
18:48No.
18:49How do you know that?
18:50We should really give her a call
18:51before she gets another job.
18:52She moved to Chicago.
18:54Today?
18:55I know weird,
18:56right?
18:57That's too bad.
18:59I really think
18:59we should give her a call
19:00and have a conversation.
19:02Between the three of us.
19:03You know,
19:04like a three-way.
19:08You ass.
19:11I think from now on
19:12I should be involved
19:13in picking our baby nurse.
19:15Yes, please.
19:16Because I think
19:17my instincts about people
19:18are way better than yours.
19:19Why do you say that?
19:21Well,
19:22you picked me,
19:23but
19:23I picked you.
19:32141?
19:34Oh,
19:34my God,
19:35it's us.
19:37Coming.
19:39Be there in a month.
19:41Great.
19:45This is a receipt
19:46from Arby's.
19:49I like this table.
19:50Me too.
19:51you.
19:51I like this.
Recommended
21:38
20:39
21:55
25:44
23:20
22:52
25:33
23:35
41:32
46:39
21:39
1:23:51
1:18:38
Be the first to comment