- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Well, well, well, what do we have here?
00:08Zero interest.
00:12Hi, James.
00:13Sully, haven't seen you since I accused you of being a pregnophile.
00:18Whatever, that wasn't even the worst thing you said.
00:20There's something worse than that?
00:22Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that would be when she called my sister pregnant, which she ain't.
00:27She was a big girl.
00:30Well, just so you know, after you said that, my sister went down to Mexico and got a frickin' tummy tuck.
00:36So I hope you're proud of yourself.
00:38So we're good? Great.
00:42Because the last article you two co-wrote was fantastic.
00:44You guys have real chemistry on the page. Apparently, not in person.
00:50Anyway, I want you two to do the cover story for the Sunday magazine.
00:54The Sunday magazine? I sat with you for three years. I never got the Sunday magazine.
00:59Oh, my God. Thank you.
01:03Yeah, that's amazing. This is going to make my mother a superstar in her church group and her gun club.
01:09The Rock has agreed to be on the cover, which is great because, well, I'll get to have my photo taken with The Rock.
01:17Now, with the way things are going around here, this would be a good time to do a really good job.
01:25Look, Sully, I just want you to know that...
01:27Don't even bother, okay? I don't think you're a very nice person.
01:30Sully, if we're going to...
01:32You heard him. With the way things are going around here, people are getting laid off left and right.
01:38You're right. You're right. You know what? We've got to knock this out of the park.
01:41Yeah, we're gonna.
01:42This is Sunday magazine. It's an iconic part of San Francisco.
01:45Like cable cars and the Golden Gate Bridge and two dudes making out in assless chaps.
01:49Movie reviewers never get the cover.
02:03A cover could be up to 3,000 words. I usually only get a couple hundred words.
02:07Sometimes I don't even get words. I just get stars.
02:10This is a huge opportunity for me, especially now when writers are getting laid off all over the place.
02:15Speaking of covers, what are we not doing under them?
02:24You two really need to get your own apartment.
02:28Aren't you supposed to be at work?
02:30Well, Dad, I just got some bad news.
02:35I found out my shifts are getting cut at Pantry Pete's.
02:38They say it's because I was caught napping in the lettuce.
02:41But I think we really know what's going on.
02:45What's really going on?
02:47I steal.
02:51Anyway, I had this amazing idea on the can about how we can make some fast money.
02:55The can is the birthplace of a lot of great ideas.
02:57The dancer who invented the can-can?
02:59Thought of it on the can.
03:02Please, do you think this is the first idea Davis has come up with on the can?
03:06I got it!
03:06A jacket that just covers your arms.
03:11It's like the opposite of a vest.
03:13We could call it the Varm.
03:19I got it.
03:20A clothing store for Middle Easterners called Turban Outfitters.
03:24Yeah, but this one's legit, okay?
03:28I get a discount at Pantry Pete's.
03:30Zach is amazing with food.
03:32So we go into business.
03:33We make a killing selling sandwiches.
03:35Then we buy a boat.
03:38And then we rent out our boat for rap videos.
03:42Yeah, man, when everyone shows up for the shoot, you sell them sandwiches.
03:45It'll be a constant stream of delicious sandwiches and boat hoes.
03:49Yeah, I mean, I got the restaurant at night, but I could use the extra cash.
03:55Yeah, we whip up some sandwiches, wrap them up in cellophane, and then boom!
03:58Yes, Lil Wayne, you may use our boat.
04:05Olivia, why are you taking a picture of a picture frame?
04:09Irony?
04:12Rumor has it that you've been taking items from home
04:15and using the paper's shipping department to sell them on eBay.
04:18Oh, that is insane!
04:21Let me rephrase.
04:22Security camera footage shows that you've been bringing items from home
04:25and using the paper's shipping department to sell them on eBay.
04:41Other than hard evidence, what else do you have?
04:47Stop it.
04:48Have you noticed how many people I've had to fire?
04:51Now is not the time to screw around.
04:53Well, what do you expect when you keep handing out 20% pay cuts?
04:56I am just a scrappy immigrant looking for a better life, boss.
05:00In a place that I thought was called America.
05:04How you doing, Olivia?
05:08No.
05:08Come on, let me investigate your Scotland yard, you know what I mean?
05:15Look, you're too tall, you're too loud, and you've got too many freckles.
05:19It's everything I left Scotland to get away from.
05:22Ah, yes, Sully, you ready to go?
05:27You ready to start?
05:28This is the beginning of greatness.
05:29We're going to write the first sentence of the first cover article either of us has ever had.
05:33How do you think it should start?
05:35I hate myself.
05:37I don't think people will get that.
05:40What's going on?
05:42You were so excited yesterday.
05:43I don't understand.
05:44I've been chatting up that Olivia chick for a month now, and she just shot me down again.
05:48I don't get it.
05:49I mean, look at this.
05:50From head to toe.
05:51Lovable.
05:52Toe to head.
05:53Lovable.
05:55I agree.
05:56Even side to side.
05:57Lovable.
05:58I mean, Olivia's your friend, right?
06:00Maybe you could put a good word in for me with her.
06:02I mean, because her mouth keeps saying no, but her eyes keep saying, eh, I could do worse.
06:07If I promise to do that, do you promise to focus on the article?
06:13Yes.
06:13That is the deal.
06:14Okay.
06:15So from now on, no more distractions.
06:17Just focus, focus, focus.
06:19Oh, hey, it's my boyfriend.
06:22Hey, how are the new sandwich kings of San Francisco?
06:26He's driving me crazy.
06:29You should see some of his creative sales techniques.
06:33Stop.
06:34Do exactly as I say, and everything will turn out delicious.
06:37Think of him as an attention getter, something to draw a crowd.
06:42Easier said than done.
06:43It's a fine line between entertaining someone and asking someone to punch you in the face.
06:48Hey, check it out.
06:50I'm your grandma.
06:57What'd you say about my grandma?
06:58I'm not asking you to sleep with Sully.
07:05I just want you to give him the impression that you might.
07:09The article's all done.
07:10You can take him out to the desert and drop him at a gas station.
07:12Okay, I'll do it, because I know this is a really big opportunity for you, and I love you, and you're my best friend in the whole wide world.
07:20Thank you so much.
07:22But it'll cost you.
07:22Look, it's really simple.
07:26All I need you to do is to drive up the bid on my eBay auctions.
07:31Fine, it's a deal.
07:32Oh, there he is.
07:34Go over there and let the girls do the talking.
07:39Hey, Brooklyn.
07:40Now that I come to think of it, I find your halting speech in your blank steer is very sexy.
07:51I knew you'd come around.
07:58You still worrying about that article you turned in?
08:00It's not just any article.
08:02It's the cover of the Sunday magazine.
08:05I mean, if you're in a doctor's office and you see the Sunday magazine sitting in the waiting room,
08:08you think, well, this is a good doctor.
08:12I'm so freaked out about it, I pimped out Olivia.
08:17Reminds me, I have to bid on her Zen desk fountain.
08:21Yeah, take that fountain lover, 4-3-2-6.
08:24I'll see your ten and raise you a quarter.
08:27Bam!
08:30Well, you were right about the sandwich thing.
08:31Once I got Davis to use his powers of idiocy for good, we ran out of every meat.
08:36Even the pimento loaf.
08:38And one oven-roasted turkey with olive spread on ciabatta.
08:42No animals were harmed in the making of this sandwich.
08:45Except the ones between these slices of bread.
08:49These sandwiches would make you look huge.
08:56Well, I think the reason you're doing so fantastic is because your sandwiches are delicious.
09:01And it's nice to know I help.
09:02Oh, that's right, fountain lover.
09:094-3-2-6.
09:11Take it, take it, take it.
09:12Who's your daddy?
09:14How about a little bit of that over here?
09:16Hey, tiger.
09:24Hey, sexy.
09:25What are you up to?
09:25Oh, a piece on how the board of supervisors finally passed an ordinance on the new occupancy tax.
09:32That's hot.
09:34Remember you said you had a surprise for me when Billy and I finished our cover article?
09:38Yeah.
09:38We finished.
09:39Oh, well then.
09:41I'm not going out with you.
09:43Surprise!
09:48You know, your friend led me on in a really weird way.
09:52As soon as she found out we were done with the article, she just blew me off.
09:56Yeah, I don't think she's right for you.
10:00Hey, what about Diane up in the opinion section?
10:03My opinion, she's super slutty.
10:07That's good.
10:08That's good.
10:08I like where your head's at.
10:11Hey, uh, have you heard from James about any feedback on the article?
10:14No communication whatsoever.
10:16It's almost like we're still dating.
10:18There you are.
10:20Look, we worked really hard on this, and it's my best work and Sully's,
10:24and I think it's really inconsiderate of you to take so long to give us our feedback.
10:28The article was great.
10:29Huh.
10:30Well, thank you for saying that.
10:31See, we worried for nothing.
10:33Not that my opinion matters anymore.
10:35I'm leaving the paper.
10:37What?
10:39I was fired.
10:45I was sick of firing employees.
10:47Felt like I was breaking up with people over and over and over,
10:50not having sex with any of them.
10:53Well, Cindy.
10:55Well, at least Cindy went out with a smile on her face.
10:59From where I was standing, I can't confirm that.
11:01Anyway, corporate fired me because I wouldn't fire any more people.
11:08James, I couldn't be more upset about this if it had happened to all of us.
11:12Is it going to happen to all of us?
11:14It could.
11:16They're just going to bring someone else in, and they're going to keep downsizing.
11:21So we're screwed, and not in the good Cindy way.
11:26I'm more screwed than you, you Scottish tees.
11:29We don't know a bookie named Piggy Gonzalez, 45 grand.
11:33She's a very violent woman.
11:34How am I going to tell the 22-year-old father of my baby that we may lose our health insurance?
11:40I mean, you guys don't have anyone to go home to who has to hear this bad news.
11:44Oh, thanks for that.
11:44That's nice, Chase.
11:45Cindy, come on.
11:49Genius day, dude.
11:51Your idea of standing outside of curves around lunchtime, you kind of blew my mind.
11:56Yeah, after 30 minutes of low-impact walking,
11:59those sweaty ladies really feel like they've earned a sandwich or two.
12:01You got a few numbers, am I right?
12:05Oh, you're right.
12:07I'll check back in six months and see how they're doing.
12:10Hey, guess what?
12:12Thanks to your awesome advice, Davis and I made $75 each today.
12:15Who's a pimp now, sucker?
12:17I'm making it rain.
12:18I'm making it rain.
12:21Dude, it looks like she's about to cry.
12:23Stop making it rain.
12:26What's happening?
12:27Thank God strippers don't act like that when you throw singles at them.
12:31Um, did I not like the article?
12:43They loved it.
12:47James got fired, and from what he was saying, it looks like I could be next.
12:52Holy crap.
12:54What are you going to do?
12:55How are you going to pay for everything?
12:57This place is really expensive.
12:58You're not helping.
13:03I'm sorry.
13:04I've never had a girlfriend with a job, so I never had a girlfriend who might lose one.
13:11This is what a real crisis is like.
13:19Um, okay, well, if it's any consolation, our sandwich business has really taken off.
13:24Um, how much did you say you made again?
13:26$75.
13:32Oh, dear, now our baby can go to college.
13:38Hey, guys.
13:42How's it going in here?
13:44She's going to get fired.
13:46Oh, my God, we're going to lose the apartment.
13:59Alan?
14:00Alan?
14:02I'm going to miss our talks.
14:04This is the first time you've ever spoken to me.
14:10Good talk, Alan.
14:11You all right?
14:17Oh, you know, 15 years in my life and it's all down the tubes.
14:23Hey, you were a huge part of a lot of people's lives.
14:27The mayoral scandal, the gay marriage coverage.
14:31This newspaper brought Sudoku to the people of San Francisco.
14:36I've got something for you.
14:38Oh, it's my cover.
14:45Oh, there's my name on the cover.
14:49That's the rock next to my name on my cover.
14:54Well, seeing this reaction made it all worthwhile.
14:58Oh, thank you so much.
15:02You know, people that get the cover story get noticed.
15:07You don't need a resume.
15:08You just show them this.
15:10So my name was on the list to get fired?
15:13You don't think I took a bullet for Alan, do you?
15:17I don't know how I'll ever thank you.
15:19Run away with me.
15:22Wow, you're really late with this.
15:24I know.
15:27Run away with me.
15:29You've been drinking a lot.
15:31That's why I didn't say drive away with me.
15:36I screwed up.
15:38I never should have let you go.
15:40Dumped a 22-year-old and you'll never have to worry about anything for the rest of your life.
15:44You know I can't do that.
15:47And tomorrow morning when you wake up, you'll be really relieved I didn't.
15:52Can't blame a guy for drying.
15:53Listen, you know, I'm good looking, I'm rich, I'll be okay.
16:01Yeah, you will.
16:07This isn't the first time I've been screwed over, you know.
16:11See, when I started out, I was stationed in Chechnya.
16:19That's it.
16:19Listen, about before, Billy strong-armed me into pretending that I liked you so that you would finish the article.
16:30Ouch.
16:31So you were, uh, never really into me?
16:35Not really.
16:37You were pretending, huh?
16:38Well, can you pretend some more?
16:45Maybe, you know, like till breakfast?
16:48Well, will you buy me breakfast?
16:50Oh, yeah, I got a two-for-one coupon.
16:51Don't spoil it.
16:52Come on, let's go.
16:53Hey, I heard what happened with James.
16:59Are you all right?
16:59We're gonna go comfort each other in a sexual fashion.
17:03Come on, bagpipes.
17:04Let's see what you can do.
17:08What if Billy does actually lose her job?
17:10And then the baby comes?
17:11That's not gonna help.
17:12Yeah, it's not like the baby can help pay for the apartment.
17:14A mess?
17:18No, you can't do that.
17:19No, that could screw a kid up.
17:22A mess?
17:24Wait, what are you talking about?
17:25Yeah, what are you talking about?
17:28On the count of three, we both say what we're talking about.
17:31All right.
17:32One, two, three.
17:34Baby with the baby.
17:35Baby with the baby.
17:41You're the baby.
17:44Hello?
17:48Anybody home?
17:50Hey.
17:50How you doing?
17:51Hell better.
17:53Look, look, look.
17:55It's the cover of my article.
17:57Yay!
17:58Applause, applause, ticker tape parade.
18:02Where's your name?
18:03Oh, it's that teeny tiny thing right here.
18:08Oh, yeah.
18:08You really gotta get your nose in between the rocks' legs to see it.
18:14Cool.
18:15You hungry?
18:16When was the last time you saw me not eating or crying?
18:20It has been a while.
18:23Anyway, I made you a real dinner.
18:24It's, like, hot and everything.
18:29What's this?
18:31It's your new home office.
18:33If you get fired, for all the brilliant things you're gonna write.
18:36And it's portable, so maybe you're inspired here, or maybe you're inspired in the living room,
18:41or maybe you're working and I want to come kiss you, so I push it away.
18:45It's perfect.
18:48I felt like I kind of flipped out before.
18:51And I just wanted to show you that no matter what happens,
18:53I can throw together a few cheap items to temporarily make you feel better.
18:59Well, it's working.
19:00Mmm, I got us something, too.
19:04I accidentally outbid Fountain Lover 4326 on Olivia's Zen desk fountain.
19:09Cost me $47.10, which is sad because it retails for $8.99.
19:14It's supposed to be beautiful.
19:16You plug it in and it creates a soothing mist like you're in a Japanese rainforest.
19:19Son of a bitch!
19:40So, tell me a little bit about this breakfast that we're gonna have.
19:44Well, it's all you can eat, and I like to get my money's worth.
19:48So, let's work up an appetite.
19:51Let's put on a show for the security guards.
19:54Let's put on a show for the security guards.
19:57Let's put on a show for the security guards.
19:58Let's put on a show for the security guards.
19:59Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:00Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:01Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:02Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:03Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:04Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:05Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:06Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:07Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:08Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:09Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:10Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:12Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:13Let's put on a show for the security guards.
20:14You
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