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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
00:25Well, welcome to our show. It sure is good to see you folks.
00:29We got ourselves some comedy with crazy skits and jokes.
00:32We got some songs to make you laugh and some to make you cry.
00:36So help yourselves to grits and corn, there's plenty of pecan pie.
00:39I wanna hear a hee-a-ho and can I hear a ho?
00:42I do believe we're gonna see what's called a dozy dough.
00:46Hey, yeah, it's the Kevin Elton Show.
00:49It's the Kevin, Kevin Elton Show.
00:51Yee-haw! Hell, yeah, it's the Kevin Elton Show.
00:55It's the Kevin, Kevin Elton Show.
00:59Got a show right here, it's smoking, choking.
01:06Wanna see you laughing till you're choking.
01:08Got some jokes there, pumping, pumping, pumping, humping.
01:10Not something, think there's evil.
01:12What about a dumpling? Ain't there plenty?
01:13Don't need a rummy, a swag or washbas.
01:15And I'm turning down the grimy, gonna pass on that bar, who's brilliant?
01:17Cause all I need is oxygen.
01:19Oxygen, oxygen.
01:21Fuck, could you bring some oxygen?
01:23Oxygen, oxygen.
01:24I really need some oxygen, oxygen, oxygen.
01:34Hot dog, it's the Kevin Elton Show.
01:37It's the Kevin, Kevin Elton Show.
01:39Lord have mercy.
01:41Hoo-wee, it's the Kevin Elton Show.
01:43It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:46Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:47Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:49Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:51Kevin Elton Show.
01:59Yee-haw!
02:01Oh!
02:02Oh!
02:04Well, you really are making excellent progress, Mrs. Drury.
02:07Uh, I'll just get the nurse to take your temperature.
02:10I take it you don't object to being treated by a sexy 80s nurse?
02:16Uh, nurse!
02:23Caw!
02:23Caw!
02:25Caw!
02:39Caw!
02:46Caw!
02:47I'll see you the same time tomorrow, Mrs. Drake.
03:15Delightful card.
03:17Oh, it's the last show of the series, so quite frankly, this week I am spoiling myself rotten.
03:26Just a bit lower there, please, Olga.
03:27Oh, thanks very much.
03:29And why not?
03:30It's only your money, some of which I'm also using to hire close-up magician Billy Pike to personally entertain me.
03:36Hi, Billy.
03:37Hello.
03:38I love close-up magic.
03:39Well, how about this?
03:44Oh, it's magic.
03:46Like, abracadabra.
03:47How do you do it?
03:49I start by holding the coin between my forefinger and my thumb and moving the other hand across it like this.
03:55When I open my hand, it appears like it's vanished.
03:58In fact, I don't take it.
04:00I just let the coin fall into this hand like so.
04:03But the next bit is a bit trickier.
04:05If I want to move the coin from the palm of me hand to behind your ear, I have to summon up the power of pure evil,
04:12which I've harnessed in the form of a still-beating human heart that I cut from the living body of a virgin.
04:18Oh.
04:18And I keep in the shoebox.
04:22Oh, yeah.
04:23That is still beating, isn't it?
04:24Yeah.
04:25It has to be a beating heart of a virgin.
04:30Well, that's the trick.
04:33Won't work.
04:35So it's actually quite simple, isn't it?
04:37When you know how.
04:38Hey, do you fancy a massage?
04:40Oh, I won't say no.
04:47Be gentle.
05:03What?
05:04How way, man?
05:05That's shite.
05:07It's nothing like us.
05:08You want to lay off the rugger?
05:15And now...
05:16Excuse me.
05:16Would you like a fight?
05:18Um, no, not just now, thanks.
05:20Right-o.
05:24And now, once more to the white coat window on the world of worldwide wonders with the wovely Wendy Wilson.
05:29Wendy, welcome, and wow, wow, woo.
05:31What's that?
05:32How are you?
05:33Fine, thank you.
05:34Wovellous.
05:35Um, I bought some flowers.
05:37Oh, yes.
05:39Astralpinus.
05:40Imperiled in certain Canadian provinces.
05:44The multiverse?
05:46Yes.
05:47This is the theory that there is an infinite number of universes in which every possible scenario is played out.
05:52And this is a machine I've invented, the multiversoscope, which allows us to briefly view those universes.
05:57You are so clever.
05:59Yes, I am.
06:00Now, let's see what this show looks like in other universes.
06:03I just type in, it's Kevin.
06:06And push this button for a random selection.
06:08And according to the readout in this universe, you are a grossly stereotypical Scotsman.
06:18Yeah, what do you mean, grossly stereotypical?
06:24Ooh, ooh, what's this?
06:26Apparently this is a universe where you're a toy helicopter.
06:28Oh, look, look at my tiny rotor blades.
06:34And this is you in a universe where there are no footspars.
06:38No footspars?
06:39Wow.
06:40We are through the looking glass here, people.
06:43And in this universe, there's only one footspar.
06:46Oh, one footspar.
06:49And in this universe, you're that woman that put the cat in a wheelie bin.
06:55Oh, yeah.
06:57So as you can see in the multiverse, absolutely anything is possible.
07:01Anything at all.
07:02So in that case then, there's a universe somewhere where you and I...
07:07Yes?
07:08We're both...
07:11Wheat intolerant.
07:13Without a doubt.
07:14Great.
07:15Thanks, Wendy.
07:16You're welcome.
07:19Good evening.
07:31My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
07:32I am a fictional man from the north of England.
07:35Fictional mind.
07:36Fictional.
07:37So imagine my disgust until the day when I sat down to table
07:40only to discover that me tea weren't ready.
07:42For although I am a fictional northern man,
07:45I am a traditional fictional northern man.
07:47I race pigeons.
07:48I never win, but it's taking part that counts.
07:50I go down mine ten hours every day.
07:53They've been closed for years, but oh, damn it, I keep whippets.
07:56It freezes.
07:57Stops are going off so fast.
07:58So when I, a traditional fictional northern man,
08:00sit down to tea table,
08:01clock a mantelpiece striking six,
08:03only to be confronted with nout but bare tablecloth,
08:06which were filthy, incidentally,
08:08a very ancient fury were ignited.
08:10Wife, I shouted, wife, wife, wife, wife, wife, wife, wife, wife.
08:24Decisions.
08:24There are small ones and not so small ones.
08:27And every now and then, you make a decision, don't you,
08:29that changes your whole life.
08:30I recently made a decision like that
08:32when I decided to foster a ghost.
08:35Do you want to meet her?
08:37Chloe?
08:39Chloe?
08:42She's really been through it, poor thing.
08:45She drowned in a peat bog around the middle of the 19th century
08:47whilst running away from a particularly brutal orphanage.
08:50I'm surprised she's as well-adjusted as she is.
08:54Hey, Chloe, do you want to say hello?
08:56Yeah, she'll be fine once she's settled into a routine.
09:08Aren't you, Chloe?
09:13Just have to ignore this sort of thing, apparently.
09:21Wife.
09:23Wife.
09:24Wife.
09:26Wife.
09:28Wife.
09:30Wife.
09:30Did I get an answer?
09:32Did I buggery as heck like Jai Stonewall?
09:35I was about to take me temper out of me pipe rack
09:36and not for the first time either
09:38when I heard somebody slipping in.
09:40Oh, how very kind of you to make an appearance, lady,
09:43I quipped sarcastically.
09:45What time do you call this?
09:47Time you found a wife, said old Tom from next door,
09:49for it was he.
09:50Me and the missus is sick of this,
09:52six o'clock every bloody night,
09:53this racket kicking off.
09:55If you don't stop shouting,
09:56Wife!
09:58Wife!
09:58We're going to tell council,
09:59then you get what for.
10:01Well, I couldn't very well much say to that, could I?
10:03Because I'd ruptured me larynx shouting,
10:05Wife!
10:06Wife!
10:07Wife!
10:08Wife!
10:09Wife!
10:10Wife!
10:11Wife!
10:13Wife!
10:13Wife!
10:15Wife!
10:16Wife!
10:25Ah, just chilling out to some dubstep.
10:29I love dubstep.
10:30Did you know that dubstep's calming influence
10:33is being recommended by qualified medical practitioners
10:36to relieve stress in all kinds of situations?
10:41At the dentists?
10:49During labour?
10:50Uh-huh.
10:50See that?
10:51Wife!
10:51Wife!
10:51Wife!
10:52Wife!
10:52Wife!
10:53Wife!
10:53Wife!
10:54Wife!
10:54Wife!
10:55Wife!
10:55Wife!
10:56Wife!
10:57Wife!
10:58Wife!
10:59Wife!
11:00Wife!
11:01Wife!
11:02Wife!
11:03Wife!
11:04Wife!
11:05Wife!
11:06Wife!
11:07Ah, dubstep.
11:09Hey, Bob, do you like dubstep?
11:11Yes, I do like dubstep.
11:13In fact, I'm going to listen to some dubstep right now.
11:16Ooh, before you go to listen to some dubstep,
11:18do you think you could bring over a few of those leaflets
11:20they've put through the door?
11:22Fancy some takeaway.
11:23Right-o.
11:24Cheers.
11:26Ooh, I can hear my stomach rumbling.
11:31Oh, no.
11:32It's the dubstep.
11:34Here we go.
11:35So what do you fancy?
11:36We've got sausage abattoir, hen shed, paella cella, risotto grotto,
11:43stalag burger, offal hovel, giblet attic, fritter cottage,
11:49grub ditch, snack dump, soup trough, kebab cupboard, maison de biliani, lamb dungeon,
11:59jam and pantry, pass department, or spam toilet.
12:07Hmm.
12:09Could you do as a cheese sandwich, Bob?
12:11Coming up.
12:12Thanks, Bob!
12:13There's everything you need at a price you'll love at fortune cruncher.
12:23Twirling.
12:24Twirling.
12:25A pack of four kitchen rolls for five thousand pounds.
12:28What an absolute fortune.
12:30Three washing up sponges, two thousand eight hundred pounds.
12:33A four lines refill pad, eleven hundred pounds.
12:36Unbranded Bulgarian Mars bars, seven hundred pounds each, two for three thousand pounds.
12:41With every fortune cruncher bargain, you can rest assured you're paying way, way, way over the odds.
12:46These prices are obscene.
12:48Fortune cruncher.
12:49Why pay less if you can afford more?
12:56If you remember skinheads, the millennium bug, or homosexuals,
13:01you'll love Classic Threats Magazine, the reassuring read about things that don't seem quite so scary anymore.
13:06Issue one comes with a free classic protect and survive manual
13:09and a necrotizing fussy artist's face mask.
13:12Classic Threats Magazine. Because fear plus time equals fun.
13:18Ooh. Here. There's a man now.
13:20Excuse me, Kevin.
13:22Oh, yes, Mom.
13:23You've got a book out that was due back a week ago.
13:27Really?
13:28Yes.
13:29Um, what was it called?
13:31Ah.
13:32A Thousand Bums by Colin Dis.
13:35A Thousand...
13:36Oh, yeah.
13:37Sorry, Margaret.
13:38I've been meaning to get that back to you.
13:40I saw it around here earlier somewhere.
13:43Oh, there it is.
13:59Yeah, sorry about that, Margaret. Here you are.
14:04Oh.
14:05Oh.
14:06Not to worry.
14:07Oh.
14:08Oh.
14:10Oh.
14:12Oh.
14:14Oh.
14:15Sick.
14:16Bye, Margaret.
14:17Bye, Kevin.
14:18Oh.
14:19Oh.
14:20Oh.
14:21Now, where was I?
14:22Oh, yeah.
14:23Imagine being a man who hasn't sat down for 24 years.
14:25Well, this next man doesn't need to.
14:27Because he hasn't.
14:28This is Standing Up Selene.
14:30Hello, Standing Up Selene.
14:31How are you doing?
14:32All right?
14:33Have a seat.
14:34What are you doing?
14:35No.
14:37No.
14:38What did you sit down for?
14:39Well, you said take a seat.
14:40That was a joke.
14:41I was joking.
14:42You caught me off guard.
14:43Bloody hell.
14:44There's a seat here.
14:45Yeah, but...
14:46I don't believe this.
14:47Quick, stand up again.
14:48It's too late now.
14:50I know.
14:51You could stay sitting down and become known as Sitting Down Selene.
14:59Hi.
15:00Oh, brilliant.
15:01So, ladies and gentlemen, here we have Standing Up at Sitting Down Selene.
15:05So, Sitting Down Selene, how long have you been sitting down?
15:07Well, 15 seconds, but I think I'm going to enjoy it.
15:10Well, long may it continue.
15:11Thank you very much, Sitting Down Selene.
15:13Cheers.
15:21I'm going to put it better myself.
15:25Margaret?
15:30Monsieur Benedict Coupon.
15:35Monsieur Coupon.
15:38Your gracious Majesty.
15:39Old Paris is alive with talk of your fabulous new invention.
15:44You will show me, please?
15:47Your Majesty.
15:52Perpetual motion has long been but a dream, but now with my new creation.
15:58Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
15:59And what is this?
16:02That?
16:03Oh, Monseigneur, that's just the bit that got torn off the corner.
16:07Now, perpetual motion.
16:10Julius.
16:12Your Majesty.
16:13Monsieur Coupon.
16:14Correct me if I am mistaken, but you are proposing the idea that this bit that got torn off the corner could be worth, upon presentation, a saving of a small amount of the total cost of, say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning national carpets. Are you not?
16:32Sire.
16:33If I may explain.
16:34God himself has spoken to you, Monsieur Coupon.
16:35He has shown you the grace and the beauty of a system whereby a bit that got torn off the corner may be exchanged in return for the lessening of the payment due on a purchased item, such as, say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning outside carpets.
16:50And now, no doubt, my dear Monsieur Coupon, you come here to Versailles to beg me to allow you to name this new modern wonder the Louis XIV after me.
17:12Well, yes, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
17:17They will not allow it, Monsieur Coupon?
17:20Oh, no.
17:21This work of ingenuity shall bear your name.
17:24And, in ages to come, whenever people tear a bit off the corner, which upon redemption represents, say, a modest reduction of the chargeable sum levied upon, say,
17:42A bottle of fluid for cleaning out salt cappets.
17:52They shall be honoring its creator.
17:55They will say, oh, look, what have we here?
18:00It is a coupon.
18:03Like so.
18:04And oh, do my eyes deceive me?
18:07No, they do not.
18:09It is a coupon.
18:11Like so.
18:12Oh, good news for our salt cappets.
18:17We have discovered a coupon.
18:20Like so.
18:21Oh, this is the only copy.
18:22And what is this?
18:24Is it a tiny mouse?
18:25No, it is a coupon.
18:28Oh.
18:29Like so.
18:30What do you think this is before us?
18:32It is a coupon.
18:34Like so.
18:36Oh, this is the only copy.
18:38Look at the size of this, my chary.
18:40It is a very large coupon.
18:42Oh.
18:47Have you, uh...
18:48I wonder why you hardly see any...
18:50Something you can use in...
18:51Hang on.
18:55Yeah, I've, uh...
18:56I've...
18:57Bob.
18:59Bob.
18:59Bob.
19:00Bob.
19:03Bob.
19:06Sorry.
19:09Thanks.
19:10Yeah, I've had a bit of an accident.
19:12Just hoovering up me granddad's ashes.
19:14Kevin.
19:15Kevin.
19:17Kevin.
19:18Have you seen my ashes?
19:21My collection of different ashes?
19:23Oh, hello, granddad.
19:24Uh, no, no, no.
19:25I haven't seen your collection of different ashes, no.
19:28You're acting very suspiciously, Kevin.
19:30I'm not sure I believe you.
19:32If I find a handkerchief...
19:35Ooh, my.
19:37That's a fancy Dan modern contraption.
19:40What is it?
19:41A compact disc?
19:43A moon rocket?
19:44No, granddad.
19:45It's a bagless vacuum cleaner.
19:48Bagless?
19:49Bagless, you say?
19:52A bagless vacuum cleaner?
19:56Impossible.
19:58Dear, dear, dear.
19:59The very idea.
20:01Bagless.
20:03Ooh, that's close.
20:05He's right, though.
20:07How does it work?
20:09I've got the manual here.
20:10Vortalex Bagless Vacuum Cleaner.
20:13Bagless.
20:15Literally makes dust a thing of the past.
20:17Ha!
20:18They literally have no idea what the word literally, literally means.
20:26So how does it work, then?
20:33Poo-poo, Mr Jolliffe.
20:36More dust.
20:38Gap, Mr Pettigrew.
20:40This drawing of his collar deep in great smuts and mental fluff.
20:44Where does it all come from?
20:46Oh, you must look to science to determine its cause, Mr Jolliffe.
21:02If I am not very much mistaken,
21:06these are particles of...
21:11the future.
21:14Ah, I guess we'll never know.
21:24Bagless.
21:27Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Cavalcade.
21:34Cavalcade was a children's programme which ran on the BBC between 1953 and 1956.
21:39Its presenters were Uncle Derek Worthington and Auntie Bunty Jones,
21:43and they were firm favourites with young and old alike.
21:46Here we have a rare clip from their 1954 Christmas Eve show,
21:50in which they're sharing some friendly banter with special studio guest,
21:54philosopher and mathematician, Bertrand Russell.
21:57Starting with premises, which are universally admitted to belong to logic,
22:04we find mathematically, of course, that there are merging parameters.
22:09And now, of course, Mr Russell, that brings us on to deductive inference.
22:12Yes, yes.
22:13But, of course, it's always important to distinguish deductive validity
22:18and inductive validity, or cogency, as it is sometimes referred to.
22:23Cavalcade there.
22:29It was another age.
22:31Kids these days would find the idea of formalising an axiomatic system
22:34in order to prove its logical consistency laughably naive.
22:41Tea lady Flo here is different from most tea ladies in that she's a genuine tea lady.
22:46And by that, I mean she organically produces tea herself, don't you, Flo?
22:51Yeah.
22:52So, Flo, please could I have a delicious cup of your delicious tea lady tea, please, Flo?
22:56Yeah.
22:57So, what Flo is doing now is she is expressing tea
23:04from one of her tea lady tea glands.
23:08And now...
23:11Voila!
23:13A lovely fresh cup of tea lady tea.
23:16Delicious.
23:19Chocolate biscuit?
23:20No thanks, Flo.
23:26The door is unlocked. Please come in right away.
23:29Please hurry up. Not got all day.
23:34Good morning to you. Hello and how do.
23:35Now, may I ask, what's the problem with you?
23:37You're not my usual doctor.
23:38Oh, he's absent away, not at his station.
23:40He's gone off to Cornwall to have a vacation.
23:42Yeah. What's all this rhyming? I hate rhyming.
23:45Oh, rhyming. I have to.
23:46It would be no use if I failed to do rhymes when my name's Dr Seuss.
23:49But it's...
23:50I've got this rash on my leg.
23:53Yes, I can see there are red spots on your leg.
23:56The reason must be that you've eaten blue eggs.
23:58What on earth are you talking...
23:59Stop rhyming.
24:01Rhyming drives me mad.
24:03The blue eggs you've eaten have turned your legs red.
24:05I prescribe the black milk of the Drecklington Dread.
24:08Good morning, you.
24:09Drecklington Dread is a chicken with hair.
24:10It looks like a dog, but it smells like a bear.
24:13All right!
24:15You've left from your chair.
24:16You're grasping my throat.
24:17I feel quite lightheaded.
24:18Starting to float.
24:19Stop it!
24:20Far from releasing.
24:21You've tightened your grip.
24:22I feel that my life signs are beginning to slip.
24:24Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
24:26They are popping.
24:27My tongue is unfurled.
24:28So this is the end.
24:29Goodbye, cruel mole.
24:32Oh, no.
24:35I've murdered a rhyming locum.
24:43Now, that's a punchline.
24:45Thanks, Alison.
24:46So, yeah, as I was saying, last show in the series.
24:58And sadly, we've come to the bit where I've got to wrap it all up.
25:01Bob here's going into hibernation.
25:03Turn around, Bob.
25:06Casey wakes up, goes off wondering, you know.
25:09In you get.
25:10Right, Aaron.
25:11Well, before you do, give me that.
25:13Some might construe this as a fire hazard.
25:15Oh, yeah.
25:16Health and safety.
25:17Health and safety, yes.
25:18Get yourself comfy.
25:19There's some tins of lager and scotch eggs hidden in the hay,
25:22in case you get a bit peckish or thirsty.
25:25Oh, and I've got you a lovely lullaby to help you get to sleep.
25:29So, anyway, yeah.
25:32Thanks for watching.
25:33And to take us out now, one of my favourite ever folk groups.
25:37So proud to have them.
25:38The Threshers and a beautiful ballad called Eventide.
25:45When dusk is come and day is done and all are homeward bound.
26:05Bella's lotus...
26:06B-B-B-B-POWER!
26:07A life I suppose.
26:12This ain't one of my fellow, what was a hard day,
26:21is where my heart,
26:24so I tried,
26:26before you see
26:28To see your lovely face
26:35And all in vain
26:38We'll have to see
26:43It's cold and bright
26:57Night night.
26:58ences
27:091953
27:10At the moment
27:11And coming up next on BBC 2
27:12And coming up next on BBC 2
27:16And coming up next on BBC 2
27:19And coming up next on BBC 2
27:23And coming up NEXT ON BBC 2
27:27And, HVO-L-L-L-T-O-P-T-A-I!
27:29And, coming up next edition of the game!
27:32And-
27:33...
27:33...
27:34...
Recommended
27:04
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