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00:00It was this sort of on-television thing called Weekly Wipes,
00:03all about the news and TV things.
00:06It had these opening credit things with all the bathroom towels flying around,
00:10and this music that went...
00:30Do-do-do-do-do-do!
00:32Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:35Sort of bit like that.
00:37Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker, and you're watching a very special edition of Weekly Wipe.
00:40Normally with a TV series there's like six normal episodes,
00:43but what this did, which was brilliant,
00:46was the sixth one was like some sort of compilation one
00:49with some of the best bits in it,
00:51in case you'd forgotten them, because they'd happened so long ago.
00:54Like, well over a fortnight.
00:56But just so you weren't sure whether to just switch off
00:58switch off if you'd already seen those bits it had all these new bits in it too sort of peppered
01:03throughout like if you had a burger made of old mints but you put some new mints in it as well
01:09to sort of mask the cheap fucking stink benefit street is a fly on the fly covered wall documentary
01:16series a bit like sesame street brought to you by the letters dss and dwp it follows some of the
01:21residents on an apparently notorious birmingham street where we're told most of the residents
01:25are on benefits as well as impoverished single mums it also depicts petty criminals on the rob
01:30on the one hand it's a gritty slice of life expose but it's also packaged with a knowing nod and a
01:35wink and it's so full of larger than life characters it almost feels like a sitcom a bit like friends
01:40with benefits some have complained the program depicts lazy ne'er-do-wells living the high life
01:45sponging off the state and to be fair the level of luxury they're enjoying is outrageous i mean just
01:50look most of them have got shoes the sense of entitlement is amazing they use oxygen without
01:55even paying for it they just inhale it and convert it into carbon dioxide selfishly leaving less for
02:00the taxpayer they've even got sticks and bits of old fan i haven't got sticks and bits of old fan why
02:05should they channel 4 says benefit street is about community spirit in adverse circumstances but the
02:11problem is it's not called community spirit in adverse circumstances it's called benefit street
02:16a button-pushing title attached to a program with more buttons than a shirt factory they might as well
02:20have called it the great british skive off or lay about way to wear my earnest hat for a moment i
02:26actually thought benefit street was broadly sympathetic to its participants although being
02:30a tv show it also inevitably boiled their lives down to eye-catching highlights and outrageous sound
02:36bites but thanks to that title and the ingrained assumptions of some viewers on both sides of the
02:40political divide it also caused the sort of noisy publicity stoking press reaction that must have had
02:46channel 4 wanking with dismay the debate came alive on a feisty edition of news night as a man from
02:51channel 4 had to defend himself against accusations of being a poverty porn baron are you comfortable
02:57with the idea of poverty porn as an idea i'm deeply uncomfortable with that phrase i think it's uh
03:03it's inaccurate that's true benefit street isn't porn i mean what's pornographic about seeing six sweaty
03:08men crammed into one filthy hole there's not even any money shots well they haven't got any money
03:13there was this sort of detective program called sherlock which was really exciting it's all about
03:18this hobbit who lives in london and he's friends with this wizard called sherlock who's really good
03:21at solving crimes it's brilliantly made you can tell all the people in it are really clever because
03:26they speak really quickly the cost of the repairs it sees the cost of the hat so he's mawkishly attached to
03:31it but it's more than that one perhaps two patches would indicate sentimentality which is good
03:35because it means they're not put off by the fact that no one actually speaks like that
03:40sherlock's so brainy you can see words floating in the air that tell him what's going on
03:45like he's done a spell so he's got a wikipedia in his eyes you know everything must look like a diagram
03:50to him like when he does a piss right it must have peace written next to it or something cleverer than
03:55piss like urine it was like a film about a robot policeman but on television so it wasn't really a film
04:04but it's so good they should do a film about a robot cop they could call it robot cop sherlock's
04:11really smart and can use the internet but he doesn't seem to know that you can open more than one window
04:18at a time like when he wants to open a new window he must have to just buy a new laptop so he's got
04:23loads of them he must have to do all the solving stuff just to pay for all his computers what's good
04:30is it's sort of for the twitter generation like because everyone watching is tweeting i love
04:34sherlock all the time there's these special bits of the program where nothing important happens so
04:39you can use your phone for a bit without missing anything
04:45it's unpredictable which is brilliant like sometimes it gets all excited and sort of whooshes from one
04:52thing to another in a really modern way and sometimes it sort of turns into take me out
04:57but with sherlock holmes instead of paddy mcginnis describe him short blonde hair dark hair
05:04long ginger i like gingers seriously it really was like take me out not you
05:10not you not you not you not you not you not you not you
05:20food and with the horse meat scandal behind us the new year got off to a grizzly start as a chinese
05:24branch of walmart discovered its donkey meat was tainted with fox these days you just don't know
05:30what the fox you're eating the sad news was expertly reported on the slightly odd blue ocean network
05:35anchored by the world's first lego human a man that bought a package of what he thought was donkey
05:40meat at a local walmart turned out to be fox meat instead talk about fox news
05:45the report rounded off with a helpful jamie oliver style austerity cooking tip to be on the safe side
05:52boil fox meat with spices before consuming and to be on the really safe side throw it away
06:04culture and in unforgettable scenes this morning screens a bizarre life test in which britain's foremost
06:09and indeed only rompologist demonstrates how to analyze people's backsides when i was uh focusing on
06:15on kelly's bottom it's the the um right cheek that was telling me all the sort of past things
06:20the the left cheek is all the future things which as i suspected makes the present a shithole you know
06:25looking at this you might think this morning's just taking the piss but it isn't although some
06:28of its guests are now how do you start your day like an orange juice i'm a coffee guy you're a coffee
06:34guy maybe some of you are tea people well not this couple they kick off their day with a glass
06:40of their own urine yes in a thrilling episode this morning interviewed a happy couple who drink their
06:44own urine not to save money they drink it for health reasons none of which are visible or indeed
06:49exist what difference did it make to you well just generally it helps it helped balance my
06:54head's like my emotions were a lot calmer and i could just think clearer clear enough to think i know
07:00i'll drink my own piss is it an acquired taste so could you ever try it's not acquired taste at all
07:06no it's not a taste you want to acquire you don't like the taste of it it smells and tastes like we
07:13so it's socially unacceptable and it tastes horrible but on the plus side it's also frowned upon by doctors
07:18specifically a telly doc who looks like prince playing doctor who doing his best to balance the
07:23piss-taking with medical fact it is not medically recommended especially if you're unwell or on
07:28medication we would not recommend it had been medically recommended hmm yeah i guess it all boils down
07:34really to who you want to believe the qualified medical professional who tells you not to drink
07:38piss or the hairy bloke in the stripy jumper who does things were inevitably building towards the
07:42money shot in which the happy couple would go on the piss necking a glass of homebrew pinot grigio
07:47live on air which was probably enough to get viewers experimenting with swallowing their own vomit
07:51oh look at that you know what that is that is camerons britain camerons britain everybody
07:58inevitably this informative item prompted some lively viewer feedback which tight panted
08:03bulge display jeff brazier did his best to reel off quickly before he had some kind of weird fit
08:08zoe says if that's what they want to do then let them people are too quick to judge now
08:20to be fair this celebratory urine drinking isn't the most upsetting fluid intake scene i've witnessed on
08:25itv recently that would be monday's harrowing coronation street in which hayley cropper drank the
08:30ultimate bedtime nightcap come on everyone down in one down in one down in one
08:38still it was nice of her to give him a hand job on the way out
08:42i love you you know what i've noticed have a look at this
08:47yeah look at this this sort of brightly lit spew this is popular culture this is popular but it's
08:53terrible makes you think that doesn't it well it makes nobody think more than our resident inquisitive
09:00human limmy this is limmy
09:07the world's full of mystery the unexplained i like to think that i've got an ability to work out what's
09:12really going on to take a peek behind the curtain like in a wizard of oz and show you you know like
09:17hey hey look look it's been in the whole time you know that kind of thing but something's come up
09:22that i just kind of get my heather in and that's um that's um pitbull i mean um what one minute
09:32there's nae pitbull the next there's this guy about 40 jumping up and down on a stage in a suit like
09:38he's just come straight out for work mr world wide it's bizarre but what's most bizarre is that
09:45nobody's batting an eye it's like an alien's landed and i'm like look everybody an alien and everybody's
09:50like that what's most bizarre is that he's number one everywhere somebody's buying the singles but
09:55nobody's owning up i was in victoria park painting the fence somebody's got it and a school lassie walked
10:01by so i asked her you're in the pitbull head she just ran away i even jumped on twitter to speak to
10:06the man himself who are you does nobody else will talk to me it's like everybody's in fear to speak
10:12out like some kind of mafia thing in fact that's what it's like it's like pitbull some kind of mafia
10:16godfather who just woke up one morning and decided i want to be a pop star just one day decided mr
10:22and everybody's just having to go along with it or else maybe they dares mention the suit or the voice
10:28or the fact that he's about 40 year old calling himself pitbull and jumping up and down on a stage
10:32shouting mr mobile nobody dares unless they want to find themselves at the bottom of the clade
10:37wearing a colombian necktie and a pair of concrete boots
10:53britain's brilliant isn't it it's got everything it's got paddington bear and flags and and the bake-off
10:58but all of this hangs in the balance thanks to immigration which is completely out of control
11:04apparently which is why it's helpful that for over a year the news has kept us informed of the imminent
11:09threat of inbound romanians and bulgarians set to flood the country once eu restrictions were lifted
11:14on new year's day but who exactly are these people first bulgarians bulgarians is a series of
11:21eye-opening reports made devilishly clear live in a kind of medieval realm twinned with game of thrones
11:27broigel painting squalor pot according to this news footage apparently being live from the year 13
11:571886 the news certainly painted a graphic picture of deprivation and hot horse-on-cart action
12:03i mean look at this bleak existence no utilities squalid conditions people lugging sacks around
12:08everywhere and the only way to get about is on horseback they'd be better off in britain little
12:13wonder a tidal wave of immigrants was being predicted by some and it didn't seem they were going to be
12:17welcomed with open arms it's hard to shape the suspicion that much of the hostility towards
12:21immigrants who haven't even migrated yet might have something to do with the kind of level-headed
12:25non-judgmental and factually watertight reporting surrounding the issue given the nature of the
12:30news coverage you'd think the romanians would be rubbing their hands together looking at the clock
12:34and booking their tickets weirdly as some of the reporters pointed out they're just not that into
12:38us having spoken to people here it's clear that contrary to popular myth romanians have no wish to go
12:44to the uk to live on benefits yeah i know i read about it in the paper they can't wait to come here and
12:50steal from us just listen to them i would never leave my country this woman says for what i'm a
12:55patriot give me back my wallet what would be the point of leaving romania just for social benefits
13:02yeah whatever have you got a receipt for those kids i make my money here i have my family here and
13:06my friends here i feel at home here i would never go you lying thief even their own officials denied they
13:13wanted to come here i can see at least one um factor that it makes the uk far less attractive and
13:21that's certainly the weather how dare you what's wrong with our weather more disruption and misery
13:27after powerful gales and heavy rainfall hit the uk for the second time this week yes and an apparent
13:33bid to scare off the great eastern european invasion scheduled for new year's day when the floodgates
13:38would open britain's weather spent much of christmas demonstrating what it would look like if there
13:41were no floodgates at all suddenly there was an intense sense of deja vu about some of the coverage
13:46i mean look at this bleak existence no utilities squalid conditions people lugging sacks around
13:51everywhere and the only way to get about is on horseback they'd be better off in romania as new
13:56year's day arrived the press pulled out all the stops to welcome the expected horde of newcomers while
14:01in a last-ditch attempt to put off anyone attempting to enter the country the government stationed mp and
14:06publicity tag nut keith vas at luton airport in fact as sky news clearly proved when the much anticipated
14:12plane load of romanians arrived it turned out most of them already worked here but the news did find
14:16at least one new romanian this guy victor who'd come to get a job washing cars while wearing a green hat
14:23i don't come to rob your country i come to work and you open the border hope you've paid for that hat
14:29ironically while victor the one-man horde flooded britain and bravely withstood a coffee with keith
14:34fares there were more british newcomers working in romania as reporters the new romanians in britain
14:40anyway now the country is ruined i miss the traditional british way of life you know before
14:45we had the bulgarians and the romanians and the polish and the russians and the australians and the
14:50kurdish and the turkish and the bengal is in the pakistan is in the indians and the west indians and
14:55the africans and the huguenots and the jews and the normans and the vikings and the angles and
14:59saxons and the romans and the jews and those bloody kelts who were first in the door the foreign
15:04idiots it's been downhill ever since food now and have you ever seen sunday brunch it's a kind of
15:10ladsy blokesy cooksy kind of show that lasts for about 600 years every weekend on channel four but
15:16don't worry if you couldn't eat a whole episode of that mr jake yap is here to reduce it down to a
15:21matter of seconds here he is start the clock good morning welcome to sunday brunch with me tim lovejoy
15:31it's a completely different format to something for the weekend which i hosted in the same slot
15:34on bbc2 that was all about celebs and cooking this is all about food and famous people anyway it's no
15:40biggie it's only telly it's just a couple of top blokes slightly too old for their low-rise jeans
15:44hanging out for classic bands look at me i'm just leaning on the set owning the space uh scout
15:49psychic what are you cooking up for us today well it today i'm doing french toast with you all right
15:53mate that's enough of you back to me only joking he's laughing he's laughing as well i'm the new
16:00des liner when you think about it i'm just so bloody laid back all right let's do some auto cue watch my
16:05eyes glaze over remedial time our guests today were famous in a pop group around 1997. all right welcome
16:13guys just hang out help yourselves do anything my parents aren't back till september and i'll be at uni by
16:18then anyway let's interview you didn't bother to read the notes they sent over last night i'll just
16:21wing it uh how do you what's the most uh who are you okay i've completely lost control of the interview
16:30now good job the sound man's remember that i'm supposed to be in charge time to say something
16:34blindly obvious as though it's something only my keenly analytical mind could have worked out
16:38music's really important isn't it uh speaking of which uh here's a bit of a pop video we've been
16:43checking out on myspace they're called coldplay and we think they're going places here it is time
16:48now for me to stand next to simon while he cooks a little bit awkward like a neighbor standing in
16:52your kitchen at your new year's party later on simon will stand awkwardly next to our guest chef
16:57keeping that whole redundant bloke standing about vibe going well we've got to the end of the program
17:02and no one's worked out what my role is uh time for a low-key no-eye contact finale see you later
17:15cinema and in a lushly composed and thought-provoking promo for a satellite film channel harrison ford
17:20himself shuffles glumly around asking us relentless questions about the silver screen
17:24what was the last movie you couldn't stop thinking about that'd be edward penis hands i saw it on vhs
17:33like 20 years ago still see it every night in here when was the last time you saw a movie you really
17:40wanted to watch oh edward penis hands as soon as i heard that title i was in what was the last movie
17:45you just had to tell someone about edward penis hands seriously he's got penises for hands what's the
17:52last movie you saw that sent a shiver down your spine oh edward penis hands there's an eerie bit
17:57where he has to eat spaghetti with the family and it's really uncomfortable he's disgusting now susan
18:03be polite that was the last movie that really impacted on me what will be the next that will
18:09probably be edward penis hands too but that won't be on sky movies to sling your hook dr jones culture
18:14now and it seems a lot of what we watch on tv doesn't have anything to say well some people don't
18:20think that's a bad thing namely us comedian and shambles doug stanhope here he is
18:32i'm doug stanhope and that's why i drink
18:38they always said seinfeld was a show about nothing and i enjoy that concept because that's what i look
18:44for in a tv show nothing at this age i don't want to learn anything i don't want to have to care or pay
18:51attention that's why i try not to read books because it gets you all thinking and stuff who needs that but
18:58even seinfeld could not have imagined the levels of nothing that television could one day reach nobody
19:05does nothing better than the norwegians they've mastered a concept they call slow tv
19:12one show that's 12 hours long about knitting nothing but relentless knitting
19:29that is paradise to me they put cameras on a cruise ship in norway and filmed an entire six
19:38day voyage 134 hours one episode i would have watched that show in my cabin on that cruise ship
19:51thanking god i didn't have to lift my neck all the way up to the window to see this i could just see
19:57it's right here on tv i hope we don't dock before this is over i need to know how this cruise ends
20:05if only i could make these segments about nothing because this is not really who i am i'm not this
20:12angry all the time do you think this is what i do at home get drunk and go ah no that's why i only do
20:18half a dozen of these segments a year the rest of the time i'm kind of all right i'm not like i'm sean
20:24hannity who's gonna be angry and outraged every goddamn night i'll bet you ten thousand dollars your
20:31charity versus mine that congress has a special subsidy the american people don't have look
20:35you're gonna take the back congressman let's talk about are you gonna take the bad day are you gonna
20:40take that bet no because you're lying that's why how do you live like that sean relax just grab a
20:47drink and settle down there's nothing going on and you're missing it eastenders the bbc's expertly
20:56realized ongoing simulation of what london might look like if human beings spoke and behaved in
21:00unrealistic ways has been facing a crisis viewers were turning away in droves even though no one
21:05knows what a drove is it's not quite clear why people haven't been enjoying this tale of downtrodden
21:10proletarians suffering endless miseries beneath the battleship gray sky it can't be the fault of the
21:15richly drawn characters like purple ronnie here or ian or cat or ian or dot or ian or i don't know
21:22who's that colin or the bald one or the other bald one or the sort of newer bald one actually
21:27there's so many bald heads in it it's like watching finding chemo seriously when two of them meet they
21:32must think they're looking in a mirror anyway now there's a new boss driving the east end bus and
21:36the square's being sexed up literally with some mature erotica they've paired phil mitchell up with
21:41sharon again which is good news for anyone who's ever wondered what it might look like if scientists
21:45made a woman mate with a giant thumb and bad news for anyone who doesn't want to witness his
21:49delighted post-coital gasping
22:00oh thanks for that love just gonna go pat my dick dry on a tea cozy but these thrilling
22:05developments were nothing compared to the news that cockney actor danny dyer the thinking man's
22:10dick van dyke was joining the square to play the exotically named mick carter a mystery wrapped in
22:16an enigma cocooned within a bloke contrary to popular opinion danny dyer can act although he
22:21seemed uncertain at first openly asking other cast members how we should perform each scene i was
22:26thinking how do i play this do i try tears i don't know danny what does it say in the script
22:33i'm not gonna tell linda that tomorrow our little girl is getting married to a man we hate oh uh you're
22:39supposed to do it gruffly apparently but most of the time there's no dialogue at all because the
22:44inhabitants of albert square chiefly seem to communicate by staring mutely at each other in
22:48some sort of weird silent theater of the mind
23:00prompt
23:09to be fair this is some of the best dialogue albert square's seen in years
23:23gambling and in a chilling online bingo advert london is invaded by pop giant mel b clomping
23:28through the streets like godzilla zigar terrifying pedestrians with the biggest camel toe in history
23:34not that it's that unusual a sight the city is full of massive twats actually i don't know why
23:39they've shown her playing bingo in the city it's not a place anyone associates with huge destructive
23:43idiots mindlessly gambling and crushing the man on the street she is massive you think i'm massive
23:50get a lot of this jackpot looks like someone's sitting on a full house
23:55bingo joke there's this brilliant documentary thing called splash where daily thompson off the olympics
24:01taught famous people how to fall off a shelf they all had different techniques like some of them
24:07fell in sort of elegantly and others sort of like people just begrudgingly doing it for money
24:14it was sort of fun but the main problem was that all the celebrities fell sort of the same speed
24:20like even the bigger ones went in the same speed so it was hard to tell who was winning because all
24:24they had to do was fall even dead people could have done it and if they don't dead people they could
24:30have got more famous celebrities than the ones they ended up with like they could have had marlon
24:34brando being pushed in the water instead of any of them although i suppose marlon brando would sort
24:40of mush apart and sink like chunks of green mud if you dropped him from any great height onto water
24:45which might not be very sort of saturday night the famous people weren't people you'd associate with
24:51falling so that was surprising like they had an actor man and a funny hair boy and a sort of sexy
24:56wildlife woman i mean you weren't sure if they even would fall like they might have just hovered in
25:01the air but then when they stepped off they did actually fall after all i read something about
25:08falling afterwards and apparently everything falls if there isn't something stopping it from falling
25:14the only things that don't fall are air clouds and bees and no one knows why bees don't fall
25:22then because itv tested our famous people fall in water channel 4 tested how they fall on the weiss
25:28with this entertaining the jump thing which was amazing and it was even more scientific than splash
25:34because it was in switzerland so they put them in the large hadron collider where they sort of flew
25:38around on their tummies like atoms or whatever it is what was amazing was they put cameras on the
25:44celebrities so you could see what sort of faces famous people pull when they're worried about
25:49breaking a bone or paralyzing themselves and it turns out it's the same sort of face you pull
25:54on the toilet when there's something you can't quite push out unless you take a bit of a mental run
25:58up at it at the end of each episode some of them had to do a jump which looked sort of
26:04shit so everyone moaned about how unspectacular it was but then they all started sort of hurting
26:10themselves it was quite interesting really to see how injured someone can get and it still be entertaining
26:16like there were broken ribs and things i reckon if someone's leg had broken backwards at the knee
26:23and all blood came out and they'd been screaming and vomiting into the snow it might not have been
26:28as much fun but maybe that'll happen in the second series so i can be sure as you may have noticed
26:36britain endured some pretty extreme weather earlier this year so did america but in typical fashion
26:42theirs was extremier than ours and beautiful picturesque us news footage made america look
26:47more like the united states of narnia thanks to something called the polar vortex which sent
26:52temperatures plunging so low the best way to warm up was to stay indoors and climb inside the fridge
26:56lots of people captured in reports had to virtually mummify themselves to avoid freezing to death to
27:01the point where some reports resembled bulletins from the anarchist news network well it's just before
27:06dawn here in minneapolis and it's about as cold as it's going to get having delighted viewers with
27:11his cheap batman impersonation he then performed a sort of david blaine magic trick using a cup of
27:15boiling water it freezes before even reaches the pavement yes someone had discovered that if you
27:21throw a cup of boiling water in the air in super sub-zero conditions you can make instant snow and the
27:26news didn't tire of demonstrating this occasionally offering a step-by-step guide put it in the microwave
27:32for about two or three minutes make sure it gets really hot and encouraging viewers to try it at home
27:37but a pretty fun experiment you can do that at home with your kids yeah it is a fun experiment
27:42isn't it at least it makes me laugh
27:53yes it turns out the downside of repeatedly showing millions of people a trick in which you
27:57throw boiling water around is that people might actually try and do it turning scenes from what
28:01should have been a winter wonderland into something more like when idiots happen
28:08at the end of the weekly wife's program the sort of angry for money man would say goodbye in this
28:13really like dismissive way hmm well that's all we've got time for until next time whenever that is
28:19go away you're like nah you go away
28:22tomorrow night at 10 join alan davies as he gently pokes fun at the winter olympics with comedy guests
28:31and sporting stars that's apres ski here on bc2
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