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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a show about things that are happening.
00:26Things like this. Britain's least comfortable man persuaded to spoil a boy band video for charity.
00:33David Cameron was surprised by the warm reception he received from the One Direction boys, but then he doesn't know he's beautiful.
00:39Astonishing scenes captured on BBC's Panorama as Iceland boss spells out his company's rigorous meat testing policy.
00:46B-E-E-F, beef. That's what's in our burgers.
00:49I know, but the Irish say there is 0.1% of H-O-R-S-E horse.
00:53Well, that's the Irish, isn't it?
00:56New obesity crisis as flurry of obesity stories forces desperate news teams to reuse stock footage of headless obese people waddling down High Street.
01:04And young British backpacker finds himself stranded in terrifying wilderness called Daybreak.
01:10Well, we're very happy to say that Sam and his mum, Claire, join us from Australia.
01:15But we start here.
01:18The Catholic Church in shock as the Pope says, I quit.
01:23Yes, as the news starkly recounted, the world's holiest man pulled the most spectacular sickie in six centuries of poping.
01:29Reporters immediately ran around telling everyone the news about the Pope's resignation.
01:33And let me tell you, they were shocked. Truly shocked.
01:36Oh, I'm so shocked.
01:41See? I mean, who can believe it? The Pope has resigned.
01:45You're joking. The Pope. Oh my God.
01:50As you could see from the wealth of illuminating coverage, papal traditions include being carted around in a perspex box,
01:57repeated holy arm-waving, posing for merchandise, appearing on Jules Holland's Hootenanny,
02:02and of course, as bizarrely captured on Vatican television,
02:05watching a troop of butch young men slowly peeling their clothes off,
02:08before acrobatically forming a big fleshy tower,
02:11while impressed nuns look on, trying not to draw themselves unconscious.
02:15But now he'd had enough and announced his departure in thrilling scenes disguised as boring ones.
02:22Oh, I hope God's going to give him a good reference for his next job.
02:26Still, at least Benedict was polite enough to resign.
02:28The last Pope just stopped showing up to work.
02:30We also got unbiased opinion on how good a Pope he was from professional Pope-likers.
02:35Pope Benedict, a man of wisdom, and there's no such thing,
02:38I say there's no such thing as instant coffee.
02:41There's no such thing as instant wisdom.
02:42Yeah, well, one, there is such a thing as instant coffee, and two, see point one.
02:47Anyway, now the Pope had poped off, the news was concerned with who was next.
02:51Pope Benedict was old when he got the job, which was a mistake, really.
02:54The Priggish Papists picked a peaky Pope as pontiff,
02:56now a proper perky pontiff must the Priggish Papists pick.
03:00The news began excitedly profiling the youthful new candidates
03:03in scenes which resembled this election screen in an ecclesiastical beat-a-month.
03:07He could be up against Peter Turkson.
03:09Peter Turkson wins!
03:11Or a rundown of the competitors in the over-75s category on X-Factor.
03:15I'm not sure what kind of Pope to vote for, really.
03:17A hardline one, or a very hardline one.
03:20That's assuming they have to do it alone.
03:22Maybe Louis Walsh would come in and get them to form a group.
03:24And excitingly, there was also the possibility of a black Pope.
03:28Black Pope sounds like a new Quentin Tarantino movie, really.
03:31I mean, I guess you could say it'd be a dark reboot for the Pope franchise,
03:35if you were racist.
03:36Anyway, seems we'll have to wait until March to find out who exactly is going to play Pope Man in Pope Man Returns.
03:41He regenerates like Doctor Who, and you can tell when it's happened,
03:45because all this white smoke goes off, and he comes out with a new head on.
03:48He does.
03:49The Pope does that.
03:50You're jogging?
03:52The Pope?
03:54Oh my God.
03:56You know what it's like when something you've already seen gets snapped up by Hollywood,
04:00and they redo it with a huge budget and make it more bombastic and violent and kind of crowd-pleasing?
04:06Well, they've just done that with a Raoul Moat story, or as it's now known, the Christopher Dorner story.
04:11Christopher Dorner was a one-man lethal weapon,
04:14in that he had the looks of Danny Glover and the insanity of Mel Gibson.
04:17From the get-go, the U.S. News was dramatically recounting this tale of a former LAPD officer on the run,
04:22vowing deadly revenge against everyone he claimed had crossed him.
04:25It sounded exactly like the premise to a film, which is probably why they presented it like a trailer.
04:30Of course he knows what he's doing, and we trained him.
04:32A manhunt for one of their own.
04:34He was also a member of the armed forces.
04:36Trained to kill.
04:38Dorner is to be considered armed and extremely dangerous.
04:41After killing several people, Dorner apparently vanished,
04:44forcing the news to construct a full-blown panic from a handful of photographs,
04:49some blurry CCTV, and countless breaking news freak-out alarm graphics.
04:54In the wake of the Colorado cinema massacre last year,
04:57some U.S. news outfits went out of their way not to inadvertently glorify the killer,
05:01with CNN's Anderson Cooper pointedly using the killer's name as little as possible.
05:07I didn't use the shooter's name at all.
05:08You know, everybody knows the person's name,
05:10and a lot of times these shooters, they want attention, they want their names to kind of live on.
05:15But with the Chris Dorner story, all of that went out the window quicker than you could shout blam.
05:19The news networks were efficiently flinging every Dorner-shaped morsel they could muster through the screen.
05:23Viewers were confronted with lengthy profiles of the maniac,
05:26shown chilling footage of him training with cops so they knew how deadly he was.
05:29I think it's a 300-pound dummy, and he does that easily.
05:33Easily? This is 300 pounds?
05:34Yeah, I believe that's 300 pounds.
05:36So this is a very strong man.
05:38Right.
05:38And treated to constant reminders of his arsenal.
05:41There were reports that he had numerous weapons,
05:44that he had weaponry that he might be able to shoot into the sky,
05:46that he had a .50 caliber.
05:48Of course, if America ever banned guns,
05:50the only way for deluded maniacs to become famous would be to sing on talent shows,
05:54and we can't let that happen.
05:55Speaking of delusions, Dorner's mind was also being probed,
05:58as the news killed time by providing psychological assessments of his mental state
06:02by men dressed as background tufts in a Sopranos spin-off.
06:06He is a classic A1 narcissist, a narcissistic personality disorder.
06:13Wow, he sounds like exactly the sort of person who'd love all this coverage.
06:16Dr. Lipman, fascinating discussion. Thank you so much.
06:20And a good interview. Thanks, Jamie.
06:21Oh, thanks. Appreciate that.
06:23Oh, tell me, what are you up to after the rampage?
06:26The news was also busily poring over Dorner's bizarre manifesto,
06:30a document Fox zhuzhed up by reading out alarming extracts
06:33in the most dramatic fashion possible.
06:35This is my last resort.
06:37The LAPD has suppressed the truth,
06:39and it has now led to deadly consequences.
06:42The level of violence will be high.
06:44As well as the more rambling passages,
06:45where he listed celebrities he liked,
06:47and praised Michelle Obama's new fringe.
06:49Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama.
06:53As well as haircuts,
06:54he also praised prominent left-wingers,
06:56like Mia Farrow and Hillary Clinton.
06:58Dorner's admiration for left-wingers like Hillary
07:01annoyed whining Fox News spluttercock Sean Hannity,
07:04who galloped on air to point the finger at liberal hypocrites.
07:07Those on the left are dismissing the notion
07:09that his shooting rampage had anything to do
07:11with his political ideology.
07:13Hannity went on to deliberately not play the blame game,
07:16but somehow still enter it and lose.
07:18Just because this guy liked left-wingers,
07:19I don't blame him.
07:20I blame them.
07:22You mean you blame him, not them?
07:24I blame him.
07:25Yes, I do not blame them.
07:27In the Raoul Moat story,
07:28Gazza famously turned up offering to help out
07:31with a roast chicken and a fishing rod.
07:33In the Chris Dorner story,
07:34Gazza was played by Charlie Sheen,
07:36who recorded a surprising online video
07:38in which he reached out to the troubled gunman.
07:40Christopher Dorner, this is Charlie Sheen.
07:43You mentioned me in your manifesto,
07:45so thank you for your kind words.
07:47I am urging you to call me.
07:49Let's figure out together how to end this thing.
07:52Yeah, we should work out how to end this thing,
07:54because if you ask me this third act,
07:56it's kind of depressing, Chris.
07:57Of course, in the end,
07:58the third act panned out like any modern blockbuster.
08:01There was speeding cars, more guns,
08:03some unnecessary CGI,
08:04and a violent siege finale.
08:06Then, as the vulture cam circled on all news networks,
08:12the police set fire to the cabin
08:13and Christopher Dorner perished inside.
08:15An explosive climax, you'd have thought,
08:17straight out of a Hollywood movie.
08:19But, of course, this kind of thing
08:20has become so repetitive in the US now,
08:22it's a movie everyone's seen before
08:24about a hundred times.
08:26And so it came to pass that,
08:27as Christopher Dorner's corpse
08:28burned to carbon on live television,
08:31an unimpressed Bill O'Reilly
08:32threw languidly to a break.
08:34We believe that,
08:36if the Associated Press is correct,
08:39that this guy is toast, all right?
08:41He's either probably dead,
08:43either by suicide,
08:44or the police got him.
08:47But we will keep you posted,
08:48and we will be back in a moment.
08:51There was this programme called Wonderful Life
08:53that was about how science did all the life.
08:57It was like this holiday thing
08:59where Mark Owen,
09:00that goes round the world
09:02and looks at things like
09:04he's on an album cover
09:05or one of his unpopular solo projects.
09:07And it's all a lovely holiday,
09:09but then something goes wrong.
09:11You notice he's on his own
09:13and he looks like he's thinking
09:14and you're like,
09:15oh, this is trouble.
09:16You know, it can spin you out
09:17being alone in a strange place.
09:19And sure enough,
09:20he starts saying all this moody stuff.
09:22What is it that makes something alive?
09:25What is the difference
09:26between the living and the dead?
09:29What is life?
09:30When my friend Paul went to Thailand,
09:32he had a bad pill
09:33and ended up crying
09:34and trying to run into the sea
09:35for three weeks.
09:37And this is just like that.
09:39It's like he's had a bad pill.
09:40He walks around all night
09:42through a sort of burning graveyard
09:44until he starts sounding all stoned
09:46and depressed.
09:47It's hard to accept
09:48that when you die,
09:50you will just stop existing
09:52and that you are your life.
09:55The essence of you
09:56is just really something
09:57that emerges from an inanimate bag of stuff.
10:01That's when his mind totally snaps
10:03and he spends the rest of his holidays
10:05spiraling out of control.
10:06He starts building all these weird machines
10:08out of bottles and stuff.
10:10It actually works.
10:12The stuff he says gets madder and madder
10:15until you're like,
10:16someone's got to step in
10:17and get this bloke some help.
10:18It's not right.
10:19It's just exploitation
10:21filming him like this.
10:22The chicken is radiating disorder
10:25out into the wider universe.
10:28And it's sad
10:29because he really wants you
10:30to understand what he's on about
10:32because he doesn't know it's pointless.
10:35Then he starts peeking
10:36and has all these crazy man visions
10:38where he sees like
10:39the whole galaxy in his head
10:40and he describes all this hippie stuff.
10:43Just by being alive,
10:44we too are part of the process
10:47of energy transformation
10:48that drives the evolution of the universe.
10:52And then he looks calm
10:53and you realise he thinks
10:54he's found the meaning of life.
10:56And so even though he's passed help,
10:58you think,
10:59fair enough, mate.
11:00Good for you.
11:00Enjoy the rest of your holiday.
11:02Try not to run into the sea.
11:04Oh, I wonder what's going on in the world.
11:14Well, our main story this morning
11:15is that at least one meteor
11:16has come down in central London
11:17injuring more than 500 people.
11:20F*** you!
11:23Christ!
11:24Oh my God!
11:25No!
11:26No!
11:27No!
11:28No!
11:29No!
11:29No!
11:29No!
11:29No!
11:30No!
11:30No!
11:30No!
11:31No!
11:31No!
11:31No!
11:31No!
11:32Forgive me, I think I just said
11:33probably scared lots of people
11:34by saying central London,
11:34central Russia.
11:35Oh!
11:36Oh, thank God for that.
11:37It's just Russia's been destroyed.
11:39Ha ha!
11:40Ah!
11:41Yes, in a series of jaw-dropping,
11:42not to mention pant-browning images,
11:44it transpired great God Almighty
11:45had tossed a gigantic rock at the earth
11:47in scenes which occasionally resembled
11:49a celestial game of angry birds.
11:51It was brilliant fodder for rolling news channels
11:53which have been in training
11:54for the end of the world for ages
11:56and now had a good dry run
11:57of exactly what it will look like.
11:59The blast blew out windows,
12:01rocked offices,
12:02disrupted otherwise charming school lessons
12:04and injured hundreds
12:06but most importantly
12:07looked amazing on telly.
12:09Giving the meteor story extra teeth,
12:11a massive asteroid
12:12was also headed for our fragile earth bauble
12:14and the scientists
12:15who were promising it wouldn't hit us
12:16were exactly the same ones
12:18who hadn't seen the Russian meteor coming.
12:20As the death rock approached,
12:21the One Show put a jaunty collision clock on screen
12:23so you could count down the seconds
12:24until the misery of watching the One Show
12:26would be blissfully extinguished
12:27by the absolute destruction
12:28of all life on earth.
12:29Three, two, one.
12:32Ah, f**k.
12:34The f**king life continues.
12:36In the event,
12:37the near miss itself
12:38looked painfully boring
12:39compared to the Michael Bay
12:40extravaganza in the Urals
12:42and generated images
12:42which looked more like
12:43the 70s video game version
12:45of asteroids.
12:46Incidentally,
12:46guess who's got the highest score
12:47of all time on asteroids?
12:49That's right,
12:50the Pope.
12:51You're jogging.
12:53The Pope.
12:55Oh my God.
12:56This is a poem about asteroids.
13:04An asteroid was heading to earth.
13:06The planet and all the earthlings
13:08would be wiped out if it hit.
13:10Obama, Bolt and her Royal Highness the Queen
13:12hired a meeting room above a pub
13:14and after some banter
13:15they hatched a plan.
13:18The Chinese would build a massive net
13:20out of African minerals,
13:23Russian timber and Indian rope
13:24and then God himself would then swing out
13:29and catch the asteroid in the net
13:31and the French would eat it.
13:34Everyone on the planet
13:35who had access to a telly
13:36and an interest in current affairs
13:37tuned in to watch their press conference
13:40during which the asteroid actually hit
13:43and everyone apart from some Eskimos
13:45was wiped out.
13:47Over the coming weeks
13:48that particular telecast
13:51was all the Eskimos spoke about
13:52as they fished for seals
13:53and drank heavily.
13:56Chilling.
13:58You know who always comes across well?
14:00People in reality shows
14:02and I'll tell you who agrees
14:02with that statement.
14:04Drunk US comedian
14:05Doug Stanhope.
14:10I'm Doug Stanhope
14:13and that's why I drink.
14:17At some point in the history
14:19of reality TV
14:20they realized
14:21as long as we have
14:22one complete asshole
14:23on the show
14:24people are going to watch.
14:25I like to bring it back
14:26to Simon Cowell.
14:28Okay, we have a bunch of people
14:29who are going to sing
14:30horrible songs
14:31so bad that you wouldn't
14:32even want to hear them
14:33from the original artist.
14:34If fucking Daniel
14:35by Elton John
14:36came on my car stereo
14:38I couldn't kick the fucking
14:39knob off of that
14:40quick enough
14:41to not listen to it.
14:42Why would I watch a show
14:43watching amateurs try?
14:45Oh wait
14:46because you have a guy
14:47that will humiliate
14:48and berate them
14:49into tears afterwards.
14:50Okay, now I'm interested.
14:52I actually said to Paula
14:54when the song finished
14:55what the hell
14:55are you supposed to say
14:56constructively
14:57after a performance
14:58like that?
14:59Whoopee!
15:00So once they have
15:01that formula set
15:02they realize
15:03we can use this
15:04in any setting
15:05for a reality show
15:07as long as there's
15:08an asshole.
15:08Okay, we got
15:10an American chopper.
15:11You're watching people
15:12build a motorcycle.
15:14How interesting
15:15can that be?
15:16But wait
15:16the father
15:17is a shithead
15:18and he's really
15:19mean to everybody.
15:21Let's tune in again
15:21and see how this goes.
15:23I'm going to
15:24f***ing bend it
15:24and see if I like it.
15:25What we should have done
15:26is move these out
15:27jackass.
15:28When you watch
15:29reality shows
15:30ask yourself
15:31would I watch this
15:32in real life?
15:33Would I actually
15:34go to a pawn shop?
15:35stand around
15:38waiting for someone
15:39to cash in their
15:40valuables
15:40to pay their
15:41f***ing cable bill
15:42or buy more
15:43f***ing rock?
15:44No.
15:45But you would
15:46if you had added
15:47an imbecile
15:47like this f***ing guy.
15:49I just need
15:49$150.
15:50That's it.
15:51Nothing.
15:51You can't do nothing.
15:52Nothing.
15:53There's so many of them
15:54they have to have
15:55depleted the supply
15:56of dicks on the planet.
15:58A lot of the shows
15:58don't even have
15:59really good
16:00strong dicks.
16:01People aren't
16:01dicky enough.
16:02You have to settle
16:03for a curmudgeon
16:04or a nitpicker.
16:05Storage Wars
16:06is a show
16:07where they bid
16:07on abandoned
16:08storage units.
16:09Their dick
16:10is a guy
16:10that outbids
16:11all the other people
16:12and jack up the price.
16:13And his signature
16:14dick move
16:15is when he bids
16:16he'll go
16:17yeah!
16:17That's all you got
16:31in this market?
16:32You need to go
16:33to dick school
16:34my friend.
16:35You could take
16:35dick lessons
16:36from John Taffer
16:37of Bar Rescue.
16:39He's probably
16:39the biggest dick
16:40in American reality TV.
16:42Not only is his show
16:43a weak carbon copy
16:44of Kitchen Nightmares
16:46who had an exemplary
16:47dick in Gordon Ramsay
16:48he doesn't even know
16:49how to be a dick.
16:50All he knows
16:51is he has to be a dick
16:52so he's just a dick
16:53all the time.
16:54How dare you
16:55pick up raw chicken
16:56and then pick up
16:58cheese with your hand
16:59pick up spices
17:00with your hand.
17:01Shame on you!
17:02Shut it down!
17:03Nobody eats!
17:06He's even an asshole
17:07when he's doing commentary
17:08talking to the camera.
17:10He can't even turn it on.
17:11If these people
17:12don't shape up
17:13I'll fire every one of them!
17:14I can't contain myself!
17:16I had to go in
17:16right then and there
17:17and stop it!
17:18Billy's not a great employee
17:19he's a lazy slob!
17:21Why are you yelling
17:22at me John?
17:23Don't rope me into this
17:23I'm just a guy
17:24on my couch.
17:25Yell at those people
17:26they're getting paid.
17:28All these shows
17:29have created
17:29a culture
17:30where people now
17:32want to be dicks.
17:33Kids are looking up
17:34at the TV going
17:34I hope I can be
17:35that big of a dick
17:36someday.
17:37I don't have to go
17:38to acting school
17:39I don't have to
17:40train and learn
17:40an instrument
17:41I just have to be
17:42a really good
17:43fucking asshole.
17:44I want to be an asshole
17:45like that guy
17:46fuck Gary Oldman
17:47that guy has to do work
17:48this guy's on everything
17:50and he's just a jerk off.
17:57Royalty
17:58and as mucky
17:59foreign magazines
17:59publish new bikini snaps
18:01of pregnant duchess Kate
18:02Daily Mail writer
18:03Quentin Letts
18:04brightens an already
18:05illuminating edition
18:06of This Morning
18:06by condemning their publication.
18:08They've shown these photographs
18:09of our Kate
18:10and she's got her little bump
18:12appearing of course
18:13and there are people saying
18:15that this is
18:16an invasion of privacy
18:17I think they may have a point.
18:19But Quentin's impassioned argument
18:21was sadly undermined
18:22when This Morning
18:22accidentally flashed the photo
18:24on screen.
18:25We've censored it here
18:26so we can smugly take
18:27the moral high ground.
18:28This magazine's called
18:29Chi
18:29Oh yes, this is the Italian one.
18:30That should be called
18:31Cheap.
18:32And this programme
18:33is called This Morning.
18:35Perhaps thanks to
18:36that bikini flash
18:37it should be called
18:37This Pawning.
18:39That's a joke for fans
18:40of adding the letter P
18:41to things to make them funny
18:43like Quentin.
18:44Still, Quentin was also prepared
18:46to stand up for the beleaguered
18:47British press.
18:48There's been a lot of talk
18:48recently, hasn't there,
18:49about the rotten old
18:50British press.
18:51Yes.
18:51And how we are
18:52just beyond the pale.
18:53Well actually we're not
18:54when you compare us
18:55to what goes on
18:57on the internet.
18:58Trouble is the next day
18:59the internet version
18:59of Quentin's paper
19:00The Daily Mail
19:01ran photographs
19:02of the actress
19:03Evan Rachel Wood's
19:04unborn baby
19:05in ultrasound snaps
19:06that were themselves
19:06snapped with a long lens
19:08as she carried them
19:09in a hospital car park
19:10thereby hugely upsetting
19:11a non-royal pregnant woman
19:13and breaking the record
19:14for the first paparazzi
19:15photo of a fetus.
19:16The day after that
19:17the Sun newspaper
19:18also flew the flag
19:19for British journalism
19:20by running a different
19:21kind of bikini snap
19:22on a front page
19:23of dubious judgment.
19:24It's all prompted
19:25some to complain
19:26the press often treats
19:27women like whores
19:28or pieces of meat
19:29and we've all had
19:30enough of being fed
19:30horse meat
19:31actually having said that
19:33you know who likes
19:33horse meat
19:34the Pope
19:35You're jogging
19:36the Pope
19:38oh my god
19:41The decision
19:42by an Italian magazine
19:43to print bikini snaps
19:44of the pregnant duchess
19:45certainly prompted
19:46some online discussion
19:47much of it taking place
19:48beside people's mouses
19:49on the computerized internet
19:51this is what you think
19:53it's your thoughts
19:54your words
19:54your soul
19:56it's points off of you
19:57in points off you
19:59Printing pictures of pregnant women
20:06is impertinent
20:07particularly when the woman involved
20:08is a royal
20:09as Henry visited the mail online
20:11to say
20:11she is the queen's daughter
20:13have some respect for her
20:15she is indeed the queen's daughter
20:17but the chances are
20:18the dimbo Italians
20:19don't even realize that
20:20they are animals
20:21or as they'd probably
20:22call themselves
20:23animale
20:24they're ridiculous
20:25not everyone
20:26was overwhelmed
20:27with sympathy for Kate
20:28someone calling themselves
20:29no cause to adopt
20:31visited the Guardian
20:32to say
20:33enough of this shit
20:35if this family
20:35wants to put itself forward
20:37as the representative
20:37of GB
20:38then they can hardly complain
20:40when someone takes photos
20:41Republic please
20:43a polite request
20:44for the overthrow
20:45of the royal family there
20:46we'll try and pass that on
20:47to the department responsible
20:48the epically patriotic
20:50blockbuster Skyfall
20:51came out on DVD this week
20:53it's the 2000th film
20:54starring everyone's favourite
20:55dick-slinging super spy
20:57James Bond
20:57it's the longest running
20:59franchise in movie history
21:00if you discount
21:01amateur pornography
21:02which you probably should
21:03to be honest
21:04in it
21:04Bond goes up against
21:05bad guy Raoul Silver
21:06played with reptilian
21:07lushness by Javier Bardem
21:09Silver's out for revenge
21:10which causes him to do
21:11all sorts of silly things
21:12mainly involving
21:13blowing things up
21:14but sometimes
21:14in an odd departure
21:15for the series
21:16he makes flirtatious overtures
21:17to Bond
21:18we're all first time
21:20for everything
21:20what makes you think
21:22this is my first time
21:23we're all Mr. Bond
21:26alongside the regulation
21:28about nevertheless
21:28exciting booms and bangs
21:30there are constant reminders
21:31James Bond is a bit
21:32on the old side
21:33at one point
21:33Bond's superiors
21:34discuss his advancing years
21:36with such unrelenting cruelty
21:37it's like watching
21:38a roast of Hugh Hefner
21:39you don't need to be
21:40an operative
21:41to see the obvious
21:42it's a young man's game
21:45but that's all part
21:46of the film's self-reflective design
21:48because Skyfall also doubles
21:49as a kind of big budget
21:50symposium on whether
21:51the Bond archetype
21:52belongs in the 21st century
21:54of course this being a Bond film
21:56it concludes that
21:56yes he absolutely does
21:58but still
21:58a shitload of people
21:59have to die
22:00to prove that point
22:01I mean Sam Mendes
22:02could have just written an essay
22:03for the BFI journal instead
22:04but no
22:05kill loads of henchmen
22:06despite not making much more sense
22:08than me going
22:09Skyfall is entertaining
22:11from start to bum end
22:13and also has a bit
22:14where James Bond
22:14makes the most
22:15James Bondian entrance
22:16of all time
22:17well he can do
22:20that kind of thing
22:21he's James Bond
22:22joining me to discuss
22:23Skyfall and Bond
22:25are comedy writer
22:26Jesse Armstrong
22:26and comedian
22:27Issy Suti
22:28who carries a loaded
22:29firearm at all times
22:30isn't that correct
22:30yeah that's right
22:31have you got it on you now
22:32yes I have
22:33good
22:34are you a fan of Bond
22:35I always think the name
22:36James Bond
22:37is quite a dweeby name
22:39it's like the guy at school
22:40who always gets a nosebleed
22:41or everyone forgets
22:44I hadn't thought about it
22:44it is a bit
22:45like calling himself
22:45Colin Staples
22:46yeah that's right
22:47or maybe that's even
22:48too interesting
22:49like Colin Bord
22:50I like Skyfall
22:51I thought it was good
22:52it was a good
22:53James Bond film
22:54that's what they put
22:55on the poster
22:55you should have said that
22:57before it was in the cinema
22:58they could have put
22:58it's a good James Bond film
23:00I mean I think
23:01they are for children
23:02really
23:03but you know
23:04within the category
23:06of James Bond films
23:07I thought it was
23:07a good one
23:09what I really like
23:10is that there's no subtext
23:11really in the script
23:12or in the acting
23:13so like
23:14if he's cross
23:15he'll look cross
23:17or if he hurts his hand
23:18he sort of goes
23:19yeah there's a bit
23:22where he's holding on
23:23to the lift
23:24and then he goes
23:24so this is your definition
23:29of an enjoyable film
23:30is one where it's very clear
23:31at every moment
23:32this is what's happening
23:33yeah everyone says
23:34what they mean
23:35and everyone looks sad
23:37happy or confused
23:38there's a lot of romancing
23:39that generally goes on
23:41in Bond films
23:41there's not so much
23:42in this one
23:43but he does walk
23:44into a woman's shower
23:45without sort of
23:46asking her
23:47consent I would say
23:48well that bit
23:49is very worrying
23:51isn't it
23:52it's sort of
23:52constructed like a joke
23:53there's a woman
23:54who's sort of
23:55in sexual bondage
23:56to this man
23:57and then the joke
23:58is somebody's
23:59walking up behind her
24:00pressing themselves
24:01against her
24:02and oh it's alright
24:04it's James Bond
24:06there would be a very
24:07different tone
24:08to those scenes
24:08if you could see
24:09James Bond's erection
24:10like if you could see
24:12that he was walking
24:13into the shower
24:14with an erection
24:15which he presumably is
24:16it would really
24:17colour it
24:18in a different way
24:19or if he didn't have
24:19a full erection
24:20he had half an erection
24:22he was just tired
24:22so he had to sort of
24:24do a bit of the work
24:25on the way in
24:26clearly James Bond
24:27is a dick
24:27isn't he
24:28he just strikes me
24:29as the sort of person
24:30if you would meet him
24:31at a barbecue
24:31and he'd be looking
24:32at his enormous watch
24:33looking over your shoulder
24:35in Surrey
24:36kind of just
24:37trying to move on
24:38and go home
24:38and read his car magazine
24:39I think he's just
24:40he's just a wanker
24:42I can't imagine him
24:43making small talk
24:44at a barbecue
24:44at all
24:45yeah I don't think
24:45he'd invest in a conversation
24:47for very long
24:48you probably wouldn't get
24:48to find out
24:49about his politics
24:50no
24:51just want to look
24:51at the meat cooking
24:53defecation
25:01and Andrax
25:02send an enthusiastic
25:03Dawn Porter
25:04round the nation
25:04to force damp
25:05bog roll on people
25:06I'm here to talk
25:07about wiping bums
25:08oh good
25:09because we're
25:10definitely here to listen
25:11fizzy Dawn
25:12drags her victims
25:12into a trailer
25:13and invites them
25:14to plop and wipe
25:15how was it
25:16it was okay
25:17I'd give it ten minutes
25:18if I were you
25:19not as moist
25:19as I thought
25:20they would be
25:20what have you been eating
25:22horse
25:23but that isn't enough
25:24because for some mad reason
25:25Andrax now wants to provoke
25:27a national conversation
25:28on bum wiping techniques
25:29by asking whether
25:30we scrunch toilet paper
25:32or fold it
25:33in a line crossing advert
25:34that's presumably
25:35wiped its arse
25:36on someone's CV
25:37don't be square
25:38scrunch
25:39be fabulous
25:41fold
25:42scrunch like me
25:44number three
25:46can't wait for the next one
25:47in this series
25:47where they ask
25:48if you've ever got
25:48a bit of shit
25:49on one of your fingers
25:50by accident
25:50while wiping your arse
25:51this of course
25:52is the first step
25:53they're softening us up
25:54first it's going to be
25:55how do you wipe
25:55and then it's going to be
25:56oh can I watch you do it
25:57before you know it
25:58Andrax is going to be
25:59lying under the glass
26:00coffee table
26:00looking up and filming
26:01it on a smartphone
26:02behave
26:03as the horse meat scandal
26:05continues
26:06the news continues
26:07to turn your TV
26:08into a kind of
26:09abattoir simulator
26:10with unending footage
26:11of gory carcass bothering
26:12all this negative meat coverage
26:14is exactly the sort of thing
26:15that makes vegetarians happy
26:16or it would
26:17if they had the energy
26:18to experience happiness
26:20sky news boldly transmitted
26:21grim testimony
26:22from an anonymous informer
26:24in the meat industry
26:25who turned out to be
26:26the biggest meat whistleblower
26:28since your mum
26:29horse meat is showing up
26:30literally everywhere
26:31why as this grimly upsetting
26:33public health advert
26:34apparently shows
26:35you can't even pop out
26:36for a crafty fag
26:37without finding horse meat
26:38in your cigarette
26:38ooh
26:39question is
26:40where's it all coming from
26:42in an exciting development
26:43the horse meat scandal
26:44morphed into the
26:45international horse meat scandal
26:47as reporters fearlessly pursued
26:48the trail of edible hooves
26:50across the globe
26:50turns out our food
26:52is locally sourced
26:53but only in galactic terms
26:55journalists touched down
26:56in France
26:57Luxembourg
26:58and eventually in Romania
26:59which was accused
27:00of slipping horse
27:01into the mint supply
27:02any attempt to get our cameras
27:04into abattoirs
27:05or meat processing factories
27:06here in Romania
27:07has been met
27:08with the same answer
27:09no
27:10there was a vague implication
27:11in the reports
27:12that Romania
27:12is a faintly suspicious
27:14medieval hamlet
27:15where horses are used
27:16as machinery
27:16of course it didn't help
27:18that when the news
27:18came a knocking
27:19the Romanian abattoir industry
27:20managed to dig up
27:21the least convincing
27:22representative imaginable
27:23a man sitting smoking
27:25in a lair-like office
27:26with a floor
27:27littered with an unsettling
27:28array of animal skulls
27:30first the slaughterhouse
27:31sale horse meat
27:32the end by beef meat
27:36but no sooner
27:37had the news
27:37landed in foreign land
27:38than food cops
27:39in the UK
27:40began investigating
27:41meat plants back home
27:42reining the horse meat story in
27:44and proving it's not all about
27:45Johnny Foreigner
27:46they raided premises in
27:47Yorkshire
27:48London
27:48and Wales
27:49where the news made clear
27:50everyday activity had been
27:52taking place up to the last moment
27:53he also insisted the plant
27:55was still operational
27:57and they were boning horse meat
27:58today
27:59well I guess it is pretty lonely
28:01down the meat plant
28:02as more and more foodstuffs
28:03are implicated in the scandal
28:04it's clear horse meat
28:05isn't going to go away
28:06anytime soon
28:07actually interesting fact
28:08you know who's launching
28:09his own range of Vatican burgers
28:10the Pope
28:11you're jogging?
28:14the Pope
28:14oh my god
28:17yes well that's all we've got time for this week
28:21until next time
28:23go away
28:23you
28:37you
28:37you
28:45you
28:46you
28:50you
28:52You
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