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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching weekly WIPER program all about things that are
00:24happening. Things like this. Britain angers Neptune, god of the sea. Turns out Britannia might not rule
00:31the waves after all. Snazzily directed detective show Sherlock returned. Some viewers were left
00:37confused as to why Sherlock didn't die at the end of the previous series. The simple answer is
00:42he was recommissioned. Meanwhile, a freak polar vortex in America has created some astonishing
00:47images. Critics are praising this charming Broadway production of the snowman. But we start with
00:54Britain. Britain's brilliant, isn't it? It's got everything. It's got Paddington Bear and Stonehenge
00:58and regular bin collections. But all of this hangs in the balance thanks to immigration, which is out
01:03of control. These days everywhere you look, there's a polski schlep selling weird foreign food like
01:08eggs. What the hell is an egg? Well, no more. Britain is full and we need to keep an eye on anyone
01:13new who wants to come here. Which is why it's helpful that for over a year the news has kept
01:18us informed of the imminent threat of inbound Romanians and Bulgarians set to flood the country
01:22once EU restrictions were lifted on New Year's Day. But who exactly are these people?
01:27First, Bulgarians. Bulgarians, as a series of eye-opening reports made devilishly clear,
01:33live in a kind of medieval realm twinned with Game of Thrones, consisting entirely of horses and
01:38carts and people lugging giant sacks around like they're in a live recreation of a Bruegel painting.
01:43Their world isn't entirely backward. I mean, they do have, say, cars, but only shit ones. In fact,
01:49as Channel 4's footage made clear, Bulgaria is a kind of open-air shit car museum where the only
01:54form of entertainment is driving over the nation's one speed bump. Romania, meanwhile, is apparently
01:59also a medieval Game of Thrones Bruegel painting squalop pot, according to this news footage,
02:04apparently beamed live from the year 1386. The news certainly painted a graphic picture of
02:10deprivation and hot horse-on-cart action. I mean, look at this bleak existence. No utilities,
02:15squalid conditions, people lugging sacks around everywhere, and the only way to get about is on
02:20horseback. They'd be better off in Britain. Little wonder a tidal wave of immigrants was being
02:24predicted by some, and it didn't seem they were going to be welcomed with open arms. It's hard to
02:28shake the suspicion that much of the hostility towards immigrants who haven't even migrated yet
02:32might have something to do with the kind of level-headed, non-judgmental and factually watertight
02:36reporting surrounding the issue. Some of the language about floods and swarms is reminiscent
02:40of dehumanizing anti-semitic Nazi propaganda likening Jews to rats.
02:44They are cunning, cowardly and cruel, and usually appear in massive hordes.
02:50And when not being compared with vermin, they're routinely painted as scroungers or criminals.
02:55Many Romanians were unimpressed with the coverage and tried to redress the balance.
02:59Sky News found an articulate Romanian barrister who pointed out Romanians had been allowed to
03:03work here since 2007, and apparently aren't all thieves.
03:07I know lots of doctors, nurses, scientists, lawyers like myself. We have integrated in this
03:15wonderful country, and we have been contributing.
03:18Yeah, whatever. Come on, turn your pockets out. Even statistics showing immigrants contribute
03:23more than they take don't help, because as the news demonstrated, statistics don't really
03:27mean much to most people.
03:28If you read the statistics, most of the Romanians who are here have got jobs, are doing well.
03:34Living it, here, it's, it, that can't, the statistics can't be right.
03:39And when people aren't doubting statistics, they just make them off on their own.
03:42The majority are here to claim their benefits, innit? They get lots of stuff.
03:45You think the majority here to claim benefits?
03:46Yeah, the majority, yeah, definitely.
03:48So you want to see a clam down?
03:50It's big time.
03:51Given the nature of the news coverage, you'd think the Romanians would be rubbing
03:54their hands together, looking at the clock and booking their tickets.
03:56But weirdly, as some of the reporters pointed out, they're just not that into us.
04:00Having spoken to people here, it's clear that, contrary to popular myth, Romanians have
04:05no wish to go to the UK to live on benefits.
04:09Yeah, I know. I read about it in the paper. They can't wait to come here and steal from
04:12us. Just listen to them.
04:14I would never leave my country, this woman says. For what? I'm a patriot.
04:18Give me back my wallet.
04:20What would be the point of leaving Romania just for social benefits?
04:24Yeah, whatever. Have you got a receipt for those kids?
04:25I make my money here. I have my family here and my friends here. I feel at home here.
04:30I would never go.
04:31You lying thief. Even their own officials denied they wanted to come here.
04:36I can see at least one factor that makes the UK far less attractive, and that's certainly
04:43the weather.
04:44How dare you? What's wrong with our weather?
04:48More disruption and misery after powerful gales and heavy rainfall hit the UK for the second
04:53time this week.
04:54Yes, in an apparent bid to scare off the great Eastern European invasion scheduled for New
04:58Year's Day when the floodgates would open, Britain's weather spent much of Christmas demonstrating
05:02what it would look like if there were no floodgates at all.
05:04Suddenly, there was an intense sense of déjà vu about some of the coverage. I mean, look
05:09at this bleak existence. No utilities, squalid conditions, people lugging sacks around everywhere,
05:14and the only way to get about is on horseback. They'd be better off in Romania.
05:17As New Year's Day arrived, the press pulled out all the stops to welcome the expected horde
05:22of newcomers, while in a last-ditch attempt to put off anyone attempting to enter the country,
05:26the government stationed MP and publicity tag nut Keith Vaz at Luton Airport.
05:31In fact, as Sky News clearly proved, when the much-anticipated plane load of Romanians arrived,
05:35it turned out most of them already worked here.
05:37But the news did find at least one new Romanian, this guy, Victor, who'd come to get a job washing
05:42cars while wearing a green hat. I don't come to rob your country, I come to work and you open the border.
05:50Hope you've paid for that hat. Ironically, while Victor, the one-man horde, flooded Britain
05:54and bravely withstood a coffee with Keith Vaz, there were more British newcomers working in Romania
05:59as reporters than new Romanians in Britain. Anyway, now the country is ruined. I miss the traditional
06:05British way of life, you know, before we had the Bulgarians and the Romanians, and the Polish and the
06:10Russians and the Australians and the Kurdish and the Turkish and the Bengalis and the Pakistanis
06:15and the Indians and the West Indians and the Africans and the Huguenots and the Jews and the
06:19Normans and the Vikings and the Angles and Saxons and the Romans and the Jutes and those bloody
06:24Celts who were first in the door, the foreign f***ing idiots. It's been downhill ever since.
06:29Still, who cares what I think about immigration? Let's ask a foreigner, specifically U.S.
06:35comedian and shambles Doug Stanhope. Here's his view.
06:40I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
06:50Immigration? Again? Really? Who is it this time?
06:54Ooh, the Bulgarians are coming! The Bulgarians are coming! Bar the door and lock up the wives
07:00and hide the children and put your pants on backwards so they don't get their mitts in your zipper.
07:05You know what? Honestly, I was surprised to find out the U.K. even had immigration law of any kind.
07:12As shitty and miserable and dire in existence as you live, you'd think you'd welcome anyone willing to live there with open arms and ask them stories about the outside world.
07:23All the stereotypes you hear about immigration are always, oh, they're lazy and they steal and they don't speak the language.
07:30And then they turn around and go, and they're stealing our jobs.
07:34Hey, Kevin, we'd like to keep you on. You've been great.
07:37But we just found a slovenly illiterate thief.
07:42And we think he might do a little bit better than you.
07:45So you gotta go.
07:48Besides, I thought the Polish people already stole all your jobs.
07:51So maybe the Bulgarians are just gonna come in and steal Polish jobs so you can relax.
07:57In the States, when we say immigrant, it's just another word for Mexican.
08:00We live on the border in Bisbee.
08:02We see the fucking Border Patrol hustling all these guys up, 11 at a time, coming out of a Ford Tempo like a fucking clown car.
08:11After wandering the desert for six days and they just get over and they're dehydrated and filthy.
08:17Yeah, you're probably right.
08:18They don't speak the language.
08:20And they probably have minimal education.
08:22And if that guy can show up like that, as qualified for your job as you are, you're a fucking loser of such dynamic proportions.
08:35I would be ashamed and humiliated if anyone found out that guy just took my job.
08:42How simple and menial a job do you have where they can do the job training in pantomime?
08:49Hey, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, crank, crank, crank, crank, crank.
08:54Oh, si, crank, crank, crank, crank, crank, crank.
08:56Yeah, you got it.
08:57Can you go.
09:00Oh, no, no, no, no, you.
09:02Yes, you're hired.
09:04You never hear people with legitimate skill sets complaining about immigrants taking their jobs.
09:10You don't hear brain surgeons sitting around the Beverly Hills Hotel lounge going,
09:14You know what chaps my ass, Patrick?
09:16These fucking Guatemalans come up here.
09:21Don't speak the language.
09:22They steal all of our neurosurgery positions.
09:28Let's go thunder down some Jack Daniels and put on our steel-toed boots and go out tonight stomping guats.
09:35What do you say?
09:38And the Romanians.
09:40See, I don't even think that one's a real country.
09:42That's like from a fable or something.
09:44Shit.
09:45Reality and grisly prick observation chamber celebrity Big Brother kicked off once again with a star-studded line-up.
09:58This year's twist saw faded celebrities handcuffed and incarcerated in front of a jeering crowd,
10:03a gimmick they've stolen from Operation U-Tree.
10:05This year's housemates include Judy Finnegan and Philip Seymour Hoffman,
10:10a Bratislavian prince from a 1920s silent film,
10:13Madeline the Ragdoll,
10:15a young David Hasselhoff,
10:16an old David Hasselhoff,
10:18some atoms in the shape of a woman,
10:20thingy off thingamajig,
10:21Dorian Gray and his picture,
10:23a typical American,
10:24businesswoman of the year,
10:25and Jennifer Aniston.
10:27Highlights thus far include Dappy's surprisingly successful mating ritual,
10:30which has echoes of Hannibal Lecter.
10:34It's too early to say which ones are worth hating and which ones aren't worth hating yet,
10:38so you're best off hating all of them,
10:39and then retrospectively withdrawing some of that hate
10:42if they break down or die or piss in Dappy's cornflakes.
10:45Food!
10:52And with the horse meat scandal behind us,
10:54the new year got off to a grisly start
10:55as a Chinese branch of Walmart discovered its donkey meat was tainted with fox.
11:00These days, you just don't know what the fox you're eating.
11:02The sad news was expertly reported on the slightly odd Blue Ocean Network,
11:07anchored by the world's first Lego human.
11:09A man that bought a package of what he thought was donkey meat
11:12in a local Walmart turned out to be fox meat instead.
11:16Talk about fox news!
11:18The report rounded off with a helpful Jamie Oliver-style austerity cooking tip.
11:23To be on the safe side,
11:24boil fox meat with spices before consuming.
11:27And to be on the really safe side,
11:29throw it away.
11:30Still, if you think fox meat's bad,
11:31what about the North Korean scandal,
11:33where dog food has reportedly been found to contain traces of uncool meat?
11:37Yeah, there was this sort of nature show about dolphins.
11:40It was just like a normal natural history programme,
11:43but set underwater.
11:45Sort of like Finding Nemo, but if fish were real.
11:48Dolphins lived downstairs where the sea is,
11:51and the programme was really clever,
11:53because they'd filmed it underwater using magic robot animals.
11:57It was like a game where you had to guess
11:59which things were the real sea animals,
12:01and which were the robot animals.
12:03And sometimes it was like an advert for robots, you know?
12:05Spy Dolphin reaches 15 miles per hour,
12:08and also has HD cameras for eyes.
12:12Thing is, the robot sea animals were so sophisticated,
12:16there were loads more interesting than the real sea animals.
12:19So some of the sea animals got jealous
12:21and attacked the robot sea animals.
12:25It was like a war between robots and the sea,
12:28which is something I didn't expect to see in my lifetime, if I'm honest.
12:33But then I was surprised when Wi-Fi came out,
12:35so maybe that's just me.
12:38It told you all this stuff you didn't know,
12:39like that dolphins talk by making noises,
12:42like a squeaky floorboard,
12:44which gets on your tits after about six seconds.
12:46Usually, dolphins are pretty,
12:51which is why unhappy people have big posters of dolphins
12:55jumping over sunsets on the walls
12:56with slogans that pretend life's worth living printed on them.
13:00But in this,
13:01because the dolphins didn't know the cameras were there,
13:04they were filmed from all these unflattering angles.
13:07So you saw that dolphins are actually sort of ugly,
13:11like a grey, undersea pig.
13:14You wouldn't want that on your wall.
13:16Thing is, it was really magical and fascinating
13:18with all this incredible footage of dolphins
13:21jumping in the air and you're like,
13:22that's amazing, you know?
13:24And then they're jumping in the air again
13:26and you're still amazed, but not as much.
13:28And then they jump and spin at the same time
13:30and you're like, okay, that's clever.
13:32That is clever.
13:33And then they jump and spin again
13:34and you're like, do something else.
13:36But they don't.
13:37They just keep jumping and spinning and jumping and spinning
13:39and just landing back in the sea.
13:42And they don't stop doing it.
13:43It's all they do.
13:44Fucking dolphins, fuck them.
13:46And fuck everyone who likes them.
13:47If dolphins are the best thing the ocean's got to offer,
13:49they might as well conquer it over the sea.
13:51EastEnders, the BBC's expertly realised ongoing simulation
13:55of what London might look like
13:56if human beings spoke and behaved in unrealistic ways,
13:59has been facing a crisis.
14:01Viewers were turning away in droves,
14:02even though no one knows what a drove is.
14:04It's not quite clear why people haven't been enjoying
14:06this tale of downtrodden proletarians
14:08suffering endless miseries beneath a battleship grey sky.
14:12It can't be the fault of the richly drawn characters
14:14like Purple Ronnie here,
14:16or Ian,
14:16or Cat,
14:17or Ian,
14:18or Dot,
14:18or Ian,
14:19or, I don't know,
14:19who's that, Colin?
14:21Or the bald one,
14:22or the other bald one,
14:23or the sort of newer bald one.
14:25Actually,
14:25there's so many bald heads in it,
14:26it's like watching Finding Chemo.
14:28Seriously,
14:29when two of them meet,
14:30they must think they're looking in a mirror.
14:31Anyway,
14:32now there's a new boss driving the East End bus
14:34and the square's being sexed up,
14:36literally,
14:36with some mature erotica.
14:38They've paired Phil Mitchell up with Sharon again,
14:40which is good news for anyone
14:41who's ever wondered what it might look like
14:42if scientists made a woman mate with a giant thumb,
14:45and bad news for anyone
14:46who doesn't want to witness his delighted post-coital gasping.
14:53Oh,
14:53Thanks for that, love.
14:59Just going to go pat my dick dry on a tea, cosy.
15:02But these thrilling developments
15:04were nothing compared to the news
15:05that Cockney actor Danny Dyer,
15:07The Thinking Man's Dick Van Dyke,
15:09was joining the square
15:10to play the exotically named Mick Carter,
15:13a mystery wrapped in an enigma
15:14cocooned within a bloke.
15:16Git Carter has purchased the Queen Vic,
15:18an iconic Walford landmark
15:19used for absorbing meaningful looks from characters,
15:21as well as housing countless brooding grudges
15:23and impromptu shouting contests.
15:27What?
15:28Nancy!
15:29Swear down, touch me again and I will rip your bits off!
15:32Despite buying the Vic late in the afternoon on Christmas Day,
15:35Carter apparently had a licence to sell alcohol
15:37granted by the 27th,
15:38which makes Walford Council more efficient than the Nazis.
15:41Contrary to popular opinion, Danny Dyer can act,
15:44although he seemed uncertain at first,
15:46openly asking other cast members
15:47how he should perform each scene.
15:49I was thinking, how do I play this?
15:51Do I try tears?
15:54I don't know, Danny, what does it say in the script?
15:57I'm not going to tell Linda that tomorrow
15:58our little girl is getting married to a man we hate.
16:01Oh, you're supposed to do it gruffly, apparently.
16:04Dyer is surrounded by a supporting cast of Carters,
16:07including a wife who walks around in the street in curlers
16:09like she's just wandered out of birds of a feather,
16:11a daughter who inexplicably dresses like she's in EMF,
16:14a son who's gay but won't talk about it,
16:16and a sister who's gay and won't talk about anything else.
16:18Right, that's it, I'm splitting the room.
16:20I'm building a lesanine.
16:22No-one is building a lesanine.
16:24Shirley there is Mick's other sister,
16:26and her sex life's been horrible,
16:28because in the past she's also been filled in by the human thumb,
16:31hence their loaded glances.
16:33But then she's not picky.
16:34It won't last, Shirley.
16:36You'll blow it.
16:37Just like you blow everything.
16:39And everyone.
16:40Oh, yeah.
16:42Nice.
16:43Not all the language is that racy.
16:45In fact, most of the time there's no language at all,
16:47because the inhabitants of Albert Square
16:48chiefly seem to communicate by staring mutely at each other
16:51in some sort of weird silent theatre of the mind.
17:05Prompt!
17:05To be fair, this is some of the best dialogue Albert Square's seen in years.
17:21Anyway, after a couple of episodes, something disturbing happened.
17:23The old soap osmosis kicked in.
17:25Before long, I was caring about what happened to the characters,
17:28like Ian and Bald Man and Cat and Alfie and Ian and Bald Man 2 and Ian again,
17:33but mainly Danny Dyer.
17:34And then I realised that rather than watching EastEnders
17:36so I could laugh at Danny Dyer,
17:38I was watching EastEnders because of Danny Dyer.
17:40He's a canny choice, because there's something weirdly watchable about him,
17:43no matter what blokey thing he's doing,
17:45whether he's picking up a bird, standing around looking hard,
17:48or enjoying a steamy threesome.
17:50Come on, then.
17:51There's a good girl.
17:53Come on.
17:53Come on, then.
17:54Come on.
17:55It's a good girl!
17:57You know, even if that dog joined in,
17:59it still wouldn't be as disturbing as that bit
18:01where Phil came out of the bedsheets all satiated like a manatee
18:04surfacing for air after a big underwater shit.
18:07Ah.
18:09Blech.
18:10It's a big bewildering world, isn't it?
18:12And we're all just trying to make sense of the damn thing, aren't we?
18:14Well, yes, we are.
18:16Well, here's someone who's trying harder than most.
18:18He's trying to make sense of everything from geopolitical tensions
18:21to Russell Brand,
18:22and he's called Limmy.
18:24This is Limmy.
18:25Hi, so I just started hearing
18:32Russell Brand getting mentioned everywhere.
18:35Russell Brand, Russell Brand.
18:38Pssst, pssst, pssst.
18:39Russell Brand.
18:40So I checked it out,
18:41and he's gone on about how,
18:42ach, we shouldn't bother voting because,
18:45what's the point?
18:46And I thought,
18:46Good on you.
18:47And I thought,
18:48nah, hold on.
18:50Don't vote?
18:51And just let that lot waltz right in.
19:00Whose side is he on, anyway?
19:03Is he one of us, or?
19:08One of them.
19:11I mean,
19:13what's going on?
19:15So I tweeted him.
19:18What's going on?
19:19No reply.
19:23So I had to do it because,
19:24believe I know,
19:25I have got bigger fish to fry
19:26than Russell Brand.
19:27I was sending a video with the council
19:28about the state of the fences
19:30in Victoria Park.
19:31I don't know if you've seen them.
19:32State of that book?
19:33But it was there that I remembered.
19:34Katie Perry.
19:35Katie Perry?
19:36Katie Perry.
19:37The ex-wife.
19:38She knows what's going on.
19:39It's all there in the lyrics.
19:41I see it all.
19:42I see it now.
19:43And I'm wide awake,
19:44awake, awake, awake.
19:45And you can see that
19:46she's wanting to tell people
19:47but she knows that they're watching,
19:48she knows that he's watching,
19:49so she's doing it
19:50in riddles and rhymes
19:51for the people who can work at it.
19:53Like a code.
19:53So I sent her a code
19:54to tell her she can tell me,
19:56I'm wide awake.
19:58Follow me please
19:59so I can DM you.
20:01Big fan.
20:03No reply.
20:05No reply for the council either.
20:07The new year began as it always does
20:18with mankind declaring war on the sky
20:20and exciting news reports
20:21of world leaders
20:22delivering inspiring words of hope
20:24in their thrilling new year's speeches.
20:25With the new year 2014,
20:29Russia!
20:32Showing the world
20:33how New Year's Eve addresses
20:34should be done,
20:35the star of the North Korean remake
20:37of Game of Thrones,
20:38Kim Jong-Jofri,
20:39took to an outsized ornamental tissue box
20:41with seven inset microphones
20:43to swap feel-good stories
20:44about executing your own uncle.
20:46Back home,
20:47mechanical prime mini-droid
20:48David Camera Bot
20:49stood in the factory
20:50that made him
20:51to deliver an inspiring
20:52message of hope
20:53with a slightly distracting
20:54glistening chin
20:55like he'd just been
20:56fellating the devil,
20:57which I'm legally obliged
20:58to assure you
20:59he hadn't.
21:00But he wasn't as worried
21:01about greasy chins
21:02as the prospect
21:03of Scottish independence.
21:05This year,
21:05let the message go out
21:07from England,
21:08Wales and Northern Ireland
21:09to everyone in Scotland.
21:11We want you to stay.
21:13Yes, or to put it
21:13in terms you'd understand,
21:15OK, the new,
21:16please don't go.
21:19On the other side
21:20of the ideological curtain,
21:21Labour's head firebrand
21:22Ed Miliband
21:23started his own
21:24New Year's message,
21:25bits of which resembled
21:26Where's Wally?
21:27There he is,
21:27the sexy one.
21:29Red Hot Ed
21:29was shown posing
21:30for snapshots
21:31with delighted members
21:32of the public
21:32who couldn't believe
21:33they'd met a future
21:34prime minister
21:34because they hadn't.
21:36And he articulated
21:36their angry voices
21:37in his own sort of
21:38dorky one.
21:39So people are thinking,
21:40look, you know,
21:41I've made the sacrifices,
21:43well, where's the benefit?
21:44The government keeps telling me
21:45that everything's fixed.
21:46It doesn't seem fixed for me.
21:47He's just like Nelson Mandela,
21:49isn't he?
21:49Sadly irrelevant in 2014.
21:52It being a new year,
21:53the mystery of time
21:54is on everyone's mind.
21:55Well, to properly explore
21:56that mystery,
21:57you need an expert.
21:58Luckily, we have one
21:59in the form of our very own
22:00Philomena Kunk,
22:01who will explore time for us
22:03and you now
22:04in the first of her
22:04landmark mini-documentary series,
22:06Moments of Wonder.
22:07Time is precious,
22:24but it's not like
22:26other precious things.
22:28You can't hold it
22:29like a necklace
22:30or taste it
22:32like money.
22:37Time has existed
22:39since before time began
22:41and today,
22:43it's all around us,
22:45on our phones,
22:46in the corner of the news.
22:48But once upon a time,
22:50if you wanted the time,
22:52then you had to come here
22:54to the headquarters of time,
22:57Greenwich Clock Museum.
23:01All the clocks in the world
23:03are set from here,
23:04which must take ages.
23:06So, what is clocks?
23:11Clocks was invented
23:12by the ancient Mesopotamians
23:15in ancient Mesopotamian times,
23:18but they didn't know
23:20it were ancient Mesopotamian times
23:23because there were no clocks
23:25to see what the times was.
23:29Because of the shape of clocks,
23:32you might think
23:33that time goes in a circle,
23:35but it actually
23:36goes in a line.
23:38This is the famous
23:40Greenwich Marillion line,
23:42named after the band Marillion,
23:44who were named
23:44after this line.
23:46Every day
23:47that's ever happened
23:48starts exactly here,
23:51coming out of that
23:52time transmitter
23:53and running along this
23:55metal line on the ground.
23:58That's why
23:59this is the only place
24:00in the world
24:01where I can be in the past
24:03and the future.
24:04with the present
24:05running right up
24:07through my middle bits.
24:10No wonder
24:12time is such a mystery.
24:14Literally,
24:15no one can understand it
24:16apart from science men.
24:18One science man
24:19who knows all about time
24:20is this science man.
24:23Hello, science man.
24:24Who are you?
24:25I'm Dr Stuart Clark.
24:27I'm an astronomy writer
24:28and a fellow
24:29of the Royal Astronomical Society.
24:31What is time?
24:33We don't actually know.
24:34There are a couple
24:35of possibilities.
24:37Either time
24:38could be
24:39a physical thing
24:40that flows
24:41like a river,
24:43or it could be
24:44more of a psychological thing.
24:45When you say
24:45it's like a river,
24:47what do you mean?
24:48I mean that time
24:49flows like the water
24:51in the river
24:52and that the events
24:54in our lives
24:54are like things
24:56in the river
24:56that water encounters.
24:59Like fish and stuff.
25:01Yes.
25:02You know when
25:03you store time
25:05on a clock,
25:07how do you get it
25:09back out again?
25:10Because
25:10when I was winding
25:12my watch up,
25:13I accidentally
25:15put it forward
25:16so I'd got
25:18two hours more
25:19in my clock.
25:21But then I
25:22put it back
25:23but I thought
25:24is it still in there?
25:25Is the time
25:26still in the clock?
25:27So your watch
25:28doesn't actually
25:29measure time?
25:31Well it does
25:32because it's
25:32accurate.
25:33It measures
25:33the oscillation
25:35of a crystal
25:36and the change
25:38in the physical
25:39state of that
25:40crystal
25:41has to happen
25:42in what we call
25:43a certain amount
25:43of time.
25:44So from one moment
25:45to another
25:46physical systems
25:48everywhere in the
25:49universe
25:50changes its state
25:51and that change
25:53takes place
25:54in what we call
25:54time.
25:56And that's the only
25:56way we can infer
25:58the existence
25:59of time
26:00but actually
26:01what time
26:01is
26:02we don't know.
26:04Right.
26:06So even the
26:08people who
26:08understand time
26:10don't understand
26:10what time is.
26:12It'll always be
26:13an unknowable
26:14mystery
26:14like why the
26:16seasons change
26:17or how a
26:18telephone works.
26:19Next time on
26:20Moments of Wonder
26:21I'll be asking
26:22what are these
26:24and why are they
26:25everywhere.
26:35Gambling
26:36and in a chilling
26:36online bingo advert
26:38London is invaded
26:39by pop giant
26:39Mel B
26:40clomping through
26:41the streets
26:41like Godzilla
26:42Zigar
26:43terrifying pedestrians
26:44with the biggest
26:45camel toe in history.
26:46Not that it's that
26:47unusual a sight
26:48the city is full
26:49of massive twats.
26:50Actually I don't know
26:51why they've shown
26:51her playing bingo
26:52in the city.
26:53It's not a place
26:54anyone associates
26:54with huge destructive
26:56idiots mindlessly
26:56gambling and crushing
26:58the man on the street.
26:59She is massive.
27:01You think I'm massive?
27:02Get a load of this
27:03jackpot.
27:04Looks like someone
27:05sitting on a full house.
27:06Jackpot.
27:06No baby.
27:07Bingo joke.
27:08Furniture.
27:15And in an alarming
27:16promo for a sofa
27:17and chair emporium
27:18a woman enjoys
27:19a domestic date
27:19with a two-faced
27:20kind of fella.
27:21I've got it
27:22for the design
27:22and it's really comfy.
27:25That and the fact
27:25that we saved a bundle.
27:27Would you like
27:27some popcorn?
27:28What's worrying
27:28is he comes across
27:29like he's suffering
27:30from a split
27:30personality disorder.
27:32I like a man
27:33that's cross-conscious.
27:34You can thank me later.
27:35Would you like me
27:36to take your coat?
27:37I'll wear your
27:38skin like a coat.
27:45Breaks.
27:46And with 2014
27:47already proving
27:48too miserable
27:48to bother with
27:49holiday companies
27:50are doing their best
27:50to make us
27:51temporarily emigrate
27:52with this uplifting
27:53tale of a family
27:53in which dad
27:54is a monster.
27:55Not a monster
27:56in the sinister
27:56tabloid sense
27:57but a sort of
27:58cuddly ogre.
27:59After a bit of fun
28:00chillaxing on holiday
28:01he finds he no longer
28:01has the horn
28:02in bed with his wife
28:03and attempts to
28:04run into the sea
28:04in a bid to end it all
28:05only to find himself
28:06transformed into
28:07a sort of climaxing
28:08Chippendale.
28:09It's all quite
28:10heartwarming really
28:11until you realise
28:11he'll have to fly back
28:12to Gatwick in 48 hours
28:13for the whole soul
28:14shitting cycle
28:15to begin all over again
28:16until next year
28:17when another holiday
28:18makes him human again
28:19and he's only got
28:20a few more years
28:21of that left
28:21until his daughter
28:22wants to go to
28:22Ibiza with her real
28:24mates
28:24leaving him
28:25and his poxy wife
28:26alone to bicker
28:26and read books
28:27in lonely silence
28:28on the beach
28:29and actually
28:31maybe I'm reading
28:32too much into this
28:32I need a holiday
28:33well that's all
28:37we've got time
28:37for this week
28:38until next time
28:39go away
28:39Charming
28:44well if you still
28:45want to spend time
28:46with Charlie
28:46his 2013 wipe
28:48is available now
28:49on BBC iPlayer
28:50and more intelligent
28:51brain teasing comedy
28:52tomorrow night
28:53here on BBC2
28:54at 10
28:54with a new QI
28:56and everything kitsch
28:57I'll see you next time
28:58on BBC2
28:59at 10
29:00at 10
29:02You
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29:05
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