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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
00:12Oh, welcome to my show now, and this is the second one.
00:16The last was first, the next, the third, the sixth, all said and done.
00:19And if you're a reviewer and you've said my show is poor,
00:22I'll find out where you live and I will hurt you with a sore.
00:26Fires, virul, the rest of you, I hope you're feeling great.
00:29Sit back, relax, undo your slacks, you've got yourselves a date.
00:33Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show. It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
00:38And that's the title.
00:39Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show. It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon.
00:46Welcome to my show now, which I'm proud to bring to you.
00:50Aberly assisted by a most hardworking crew.
00:53That's Alison on costume and there's Emma there on sound.
00:56And I don't know what he does, but he's just nice to have around.
01:00Chat?
01:00I don't know what he really does.
01:06Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show.
01:09It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
01:12It's called, it's Kevin.
01:13Ah, it's the Kevin Eldon Show.
01:16It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:18Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:20Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:22Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:24Kevin Eldon Show.
01:27Ah, Mr. Darwin.
01:42The first I have seen of you since we left the Galapagos Islands.
01:47Admiral Fitzroy, will you permit me to outline a theory?
01:52I should be honoured.
01:53What if the beaks of the Galapagos finches were somehow an adaptive development?
02:03What if all life were in a permanent state of flux, caused by ever-cumulative evolutionary changes?
02:13What if, Admiral Fitzroy, life's myriad variations were not the work of a single creator?
02:23Hey, what are you doing?
02:41I'm banging my head against the wall.
02:45What are you doing now?
02:47I'm eating all my gloves.
02:48We've all got things we'd rather be doing, but don't put it off.
02:54If you don't send a birthday card to the Queen by April the 21st, there's a fine of £5,000,
02:59plus a possible conviction for sedition.
03:04So why not send your birthday card to the Queen without delay?
03:09You can buy a card at most high street card shops.
03:11Or why not file your card online at erbirthday.co.uk.
03:18Whichever way you do it, it's really not that hard.
03:22The Queen's birthday card.
03:24On with her head!
03:25Hello, I'm Jeremy Kane from the Guinness Book of World Records.
03:34That's right, he is.
03:35And, Jeremy, you hold a world record yourself, don't you?
03:38Yes, that's right.
03:39I hold the world record for the largest matchbox collection in Kent.
03:43How many have you got?
03:4420.
03:45Where to keep them all?
03:46In a draw.
03:47That's literally made me feel sick.
03:49OK, Jeremy, you're here to watch me attempt to break the world record for saying nothing in 10 seconds.
03:54What's the current record?
03:55One.
03:55Right, so it's one to beat.
03:57I must say, I'm very excited about...
03:58Go!
04:09And stop!
04:11It's not as easy as it looks, is it?
04:12So how many times did I say nothing in 10 seconds?
04:14One.
04:15Oh, one more and I'd have beaten the world record.
04:17Yes, hard luck.
04:19Hard luck.
04:20Hard luck.
04:21Hard luck.
04:23Hard luck.
04:24Hard luck.
04:25Hard luck.
04:26Hard luck.
04:26Hard luck.
04:26Hard luck.
04:27Hard luck.
04:27Hard luck.
04:27Hard luck.
04:2814.
04:28Hard luck.
04:28Hard luck.
04:2910.
04:3010.
04:3010.
04:3111.
04:3210.
04:3210.
04:3210.
04:3210.
04:3210.
04:3310.
04:3310.
04:3412.
04:3411.
04:3411.
04:3511.
04:3512.
04:3613.
04:3712.
04:3812.
04:3912.
04:4012.
04:4114.
04:4212.
04:43Meet Max Cooper.
04:45Just an ordinary guy, right?
04:47Wrong.
04:48For whenever Max Cooper sees injustice and crime...
04:52Max Cooper becomes indignant about that.
04:56He doesn't like it.
04:58And it is then that for seven complicated reasons,
05:02Max Cooper mutates into...
05:05The Incredible Moose Human!
05:22Put it back.
05:37Put what back?
05:40That item of pottery you've just stolen and are hiding in your court.
05:44Put it back right now.
05:46Or what?
05:52Excuse me, but aren't you the Incredible Moose Human?
06:12Yes, I am.
06:15Oh, well, look.
06:17Seems in a hurry that I got away, our friend dropped something.
06:20And so, once again, society is a safer place
06:24due to the vigilance and courage of the Incredi...
06:28Adrian, your tea's ready!
06:31Oh, thanks, Mom! I'll be down in a minute!
06:34Oh, no, let me get cold!
06:36Okay, the Incredible Moose Human!
06:38Coming, Mom!
06:39That's brilliant.
06:40That looks like thirsty work, Kevin.
06:51I thought you might like a nice glass of water.
06:53Oh, thanks, Bob.
06:54That's really, er...
06:55It's not just, er...
06:57You all right, then?
06:58Oh, couldn't be better.
06:59Glad to hear it.
07:01Well, I say couldn't be better.
07:02I've actually got terrible arm dandruff.
07:05Ooh!
07:05Yeah, it's embarrassing.
07:07I only have to shake my arm and...
07:10Oh, that's bad.
07:11Yeah, it's a nervous condition.
07:13I've had it ever since I had this stressful job a few years back.
07:18Well, why don't you tell us all about...
07:19Oh, you're going to.
07:20I got a job at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum.
07:26A maze of 223 museum gift shops from all over the country and all under one roof.
07:32What'd you do then?
07:33Well, they put me in the museum gift shop.
07:35So, wait a minute.
07:37You were working at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum Museum Gift Shop?
07:42Yeah, and I suffered terrible stress and headaches.
07:45Busy, was it?
07:46No.
07:47Hardly anyone ever came in.
07:49But every time I tried to actually get into my head where it was I was working,
07:54I'd black out and wake up naked on the banks of the tent.
07:58Hmm, sounds like you're best off out of it.
08:00Yeah.
08:04Hey, Bob, have you tried new head and elbows?
08:06No, I haven't.
08:07Well, have mine.
08:08I don't need it anymore.
08:09Well, I've got nothing to lose.
08:11Except your arm dandruff.
08:12Here, I wonder what it'd be like if Nazi pig dog Adolf Hitler had spoken with the voice of pop genius Sir George Martin.
08:22Mm-hmm.
08:23Eh?
08:24Oh.
08:24And after we'd taken Austria by storm, well, things started happening pretty quickly.
08:31And within nine months to a year, we were number one in most countries in Europe.
08:36Poland, Czechoslovakia, the list goes on.
08:38But a lot of people think it was an overnight success.
08:43But in fact, we'd already built up a fanatical local following at our Nuremberg rallies.
08:47And I remember, even at those gigs, I could hardly hear myself screaming above all the screaming.
08:55And I'd have to keep dodging the copies of Mein Kampf, which fans were throwing on the stage for me to sign.
09:02But I do recall thinking to myself, at one of those early appearances,
09:06well, if we don't at least reincorporate the Sudetenland into Germany's borders in the next few years or so,
09:13then I'm a Chinaman.
09:15And I'm not.
09:16I'm not.
09:18I'm not a Chinaman.
09:20I'm not Chinese.
09:22I am not.
09:24Chinese!
09:26I have never been Chinese!
09:32Yeah, I'd be like that.
09:38Right, there you go, Bob.
09:39Do me a favour.
09:41Stick this lot back together again.
09:43This glue's nearly past its sell-by date.
09:44Seems a shame to waste it.
09:46Right-o.
09:46Cheers.
09:53What's that?
10:01Here we go again.
10:02It's Godzilla Black.
10:10Surprise!
10:11Surprise!
10:14Yeah, it's not actually that much of a surprise, is it, Godzilla Black,
10:17when we can hear you come in five minutes before you actually get here.
10:19Oh!
10:21Oh, well, you won't be one to these, then!
10:27Oh, are these for me?
10:29Oh, I'm sorry.
10:31No, no, no, come back!
10:33I forgot how sensitive she is.
10:35Godzilla Black!
10:36The Kaiser is marshalling his forces here, here, and here.
10:48Artillery are pinned down by the river, and our supply lines are cut off.
10:54Damn.
10:54You know, Barbara, in bed this morning, I had an idea for ending this rotten war once and for all.
11:03Just like that.
11:04Well, let's hit it, man.
11:06Well, there's the thing.
11:08Forgot to write it down.
11:10Went straight back to sleep.
11:11Well, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
11:18You know what?
11:19I like the sound of this idea of yours.
11:23What?
11:24The one I can't remember?
11:25Whether you can remember it or not, it's the best idea we've got.
11:30Pendleton, connect me to the Prime Minister.
11:32Yes, but look here, Barbara.
11:34I can't actually...
11:37Barbara?
11:38Prime Minister.
11:39Good news, I hope.
11:41Beg pardon, sir.
11:50Ready to go over the top, sir?
11:51Good show, Sergeant.
11:53How's morale?
11:55Couldn't be better, sir.
11:57Talk of this wind-standing plan's got the men all over fist, sir.
12:00Home by Christmas is what I heard, sir.
12:02Blimey.
12:04Can't wait to see my sweetheart for turkey, sprouts and all the trimmings, sir.
12:10Here, sir.
12:10Oh, is that a picture of...
12:14Of Christmas dinner, sir, yes, sir.
12:16I carry it with me always, sir.
12:17Them peas are grown from my own garden, sir.
12:22And fine bunny peas there too, Sergeant.
12:24Thank you, sir.
12:25Carry on, Sergeant.
12:27Yes, sir.
12:30Ah, here he is.
12:32The man who's going to win us the great war.
12:34Anything yet?
12:35Choose, choose, choose.
12:36I nearly had it then.
12:39I don't want to rush you.
12:40Something about...
12:41Parquet flooring?
12:43No.
12:46Wait a minute.
12:48I remember.
12:50Oh, thank God.
12:53Quickly.
12:55Issue the order for everybody to get into the giant mechanical crabs.
12:58The giant mechanical.
13:04The giant mechanical...
13:04Win Stanley's plan died with him on the fields of Flanders.
13:12And so the great war ground mercilessly on until 1978, when it was finally killed off by Disco.
13:20It's curtains for everyone!
13:28Everyone's got windows and windows can't be bare, so come on down to certain curtains, curtains everywhere.
13:32Cotton, satin, silk.
13:34Pull yourself together, don't go off the rails.
13:36With certain curtains, curtains service never ever fails.
13:38Certain curtains, well hung.
13:43Introducing Amateur Prime Minister, the magazine for Britain's ninth fastest growing hobby.
13:50Whether you're reshuffling your cabinet, ratifying fishing quotas, or bringing back hanging,
13:58Amateur Prime Minister will fill your parliamentary agenda.
14:02Issue 1 has tips on building your own seat of power.
14:06And a free balloon of the Croatian Prime Minister building up week by week into an inflatable summit.
14:14Amateur Prime Minister, it's time to return to your constituency and pretend at government.
14:20It's time to return to Queen.
14:28Maureen & John was a phenomenally successful Thames Television sitcom
14:31which ran from 1980 to 1987, starring Julie Stott and Dennis Best.
14:37Maureen?
14:38John!
14:39Maureen?
14:40John!
14:41Maureen!
14:43John!
14:44Maureen!
14:46But tragedy struck. A heavy smoker all his life, Dennis Best died at the age of only 46 when he fell out of a train.
14:53The producers wasted no time in recasting the part of John with actor Brian Tremaine.
14:58Maureen.
14:59John!
15:00Who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.
15:03Maureen.
15:04John!
15:05Maureen.
15:06But the same chemistry just wasn't there.
15:08John!
15:09When Julie Stott left the series in 1986 to star in South African sitcom Call Me Buana, she was replaced by actress Philippa Morgan.
15:17Maureen.
15:18John!
15:19Who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.
15:21Maureen.
15:22John!
15:24And was taking a course of hormone pills in preparation for a sex change.
15:28But it seems the magic of the golden years had faded.
15:32Maureen.
15:33John!
15:34In 1987, with viewing figures down to just 18 million, the series was cancelled.
15:41Brian Tremaine went on to receive treatment for his alcohol addiction and now owns a chain of off licenses.
15:47And Philippa Morgan successfully underwent surgery, changing her name to Eric Pickles.
15:53John!
15:54Taitoie, c'est moi, c'est ta redevoie.
15:55Je suis un laide anglais, et je porte un tronche à peu.
16:00Et quand les dames voisent, ils se disent qu'il fûtait le.
16:06Cueing. It's a Great British tradition, like the proms and dogging.
16:15But people from around the world often underestimate just how seriously we in this country take the Great British Cue.
16:24Let's face it, when it comes down to it, we're a funny old lot.
16:29But did you know, for example, that 83% of all couples first have sex with each other in a queue?
16:36Or that if you're the 17th person standing in a queue, you're statistically more likely to get pecked on the larynx by a chaffage.
16:42Want to know more about queues? Well, you're in luck, because here's queuing guru Benny Sweet.
16:47Benny, when was the first queue?
16:4810th of June, 3041.
16:50And who was in that queue?
16:51Peasants.
16:51And what were they queuing for?
16:52Had their legs chopped off.
16:53And what had they done to deserve that?
16:54Nothing.
16:55And what's the origin of the word queue?
16:57French.
16:57And what does it mean?
16:58Wankers.
16:59What happens if you're in a queue and it's hit by falling space debris?
17:01Bury the dead, phone NASA, reform the queue.
17:03Now, you've got a photographic record of your lifetime of queuing, haven't you?
17:07Yep.
17:09Queuing for Slade Concert, 1972.
17:11Oh, look at your tank top.
17:14Queuing to sign on, 1981.
17:15Oh, look at your despair.
17:18Queuing for Tamagotchi, 1990.
17:20Oh, look at your...
17:21What's that?
17:22Mumps.
17:24Jesus.
17:27Queuing for an edible wig, 2000.
17:29Oh, no, edible wigs.
17:30Never really took off, did they?
17:32Ginger ones were nice.
17:33Yeah, I ate one once.
17:34Found a hair in it.
17:35So who, in your experience, are worst at queuing?
17:38Florists, diabetics, cats.
17:39In that order?
17:40No.
17:40And if you don't like queuing, you can go to Benny's special queuing centre and do all your
17:45queuing in one go, can't you?
17:46Yeah.
17:47You're standing in a queue for 37 weeks, non-stop.
17:48And then?
17:50Credited certificate.
17:51Guarantees lifetime front-of-queue access.
17:53And finally, Benny, how would you sum up your philosophy of life?
17:56Could be at the back.
17:56Thanks, Benny.
17:58That's really interesting.
18:00And now, without further ado, Lights, Camera...
18:03Excuse me.
18:05Oh, sorry.
18:06Didn't mean to jump in.
18:08And now, without further ado, it's Lights, Camera, Auction.
18:14Sorry.
18:16What's going on?
18:18So, I shall open the bidding with £17 million.
18:20Do I hear £17 million?
18:21Anybody?
18:22£17 million?
18:22No?
18:23Perhaps I have started the bidding a little high.
18:25Very well.
18:25£17 million to be here.
18:26£17 million.
18:27Thank you very much, sir.
18:28£80 million?
18:28Thank you very much, madam.
18:29£90 million?
18:30Thank you, Mr Blair.
18:31£20 million?
18:31Thank you, sir.
18:32Thank you, sir.
18:32Sir?
18:33Here's to 40 wonderful years, my darling.
18:44Happy anniversary.
18:45Cheers.
18:46Cheers.
18:49Well, who would have thought 40 years ago we'd still be together, as happy as we were, on the day we first met?
18:57Excuse me.
18:59Yes, sir?
18:59The singer there?
19:02Huh?
19:03He seems to be singing big, obli-tents.
19:07Big, obli-tents.
19:09Yes, sir.
19:09In my language, this meant eternal love.
19:13It's a very old traditional song of romance.
19:16Oh, thank you.
19:17It's a very beautiful song, sir.
19:19Oh, well, how sweet.
19:22Yes.
19:23Where were we?
19:24You say?
19:24Oh, yes.
19:25Well, the ears seem to have gone far so quickly and have become more and more popular.
19:31Excuse me.
19:36Sir, is he singing wrinklyb-al-back?
19:42Ah, wrinklyb-al-back.
19:44Sir, in my language, this means when joy fills my aching heart.
19:50When joy, yes.
19:51It's a very beautiful song, sir.
19:52You know, sometimes it makes me cry.
19:54Yes, yes.
19:57I feel the same way, darling.
20:01Right.
20:08Sir, madam, you're leaving.
20:10Sir, madam, you're leaving.
20:40But close your eyes.
20:42Close them.
20:43What?
20:43Because there is a dream of yours that we can make come true.
20:47And it's the dream you had while you were sleeping last night.
20:52What?
20:52Yeah, yeah.
20:53Hang on, hang on.
20:57Wait for it.
21:01Now open your eyes.
21:03Now open your eyes.
21:14Now open your eyes.
21:16Now open your eyes.
21:18Now open your eyes.
21:19Now open your eyes.
21:20Now open your eyes.
21:21Now open your eyes.
21:22Now open your eyes.
21:23Now open your eyes.
21:24Now open your eyes.
21:25Now open your eyes.
21:26Now open your eyes.
21:27Now open your eyes.
21:28Now open your eyes.
21:29Now open your eyes.
21:30Now open your eyes.
21:30Now open your eyes.
21:31She wants to lay off the cheese before she turns in.
21:44It's Kevin!
21:49Hello. Can I help her talk?
21:50Oh, hello, yes. It's my wife's birthday. She's 43.
21:54Nice.
21:55So, er...
21:56Well, you're coming to the right place. We've got all sorts.
22:00Daisies. Very nice. Or we have a Venus human trap.
22:04I don't really know anything about flowers.
22:08Well, I mean, daisies are lovely for brightening a room, a happy flower.
22:13The Venus human trap is perfect for trapping and devouring a human.
22:18How much are the daisies?
22:20Er, £4.99.
22:21And the Venus human trap?
22:23£3.99.
22:24Oh, Venus human trap, then, please.
22:25Would you like it gift-wrapped?
22:26Is that included in the price? Yes.
22:28Yes, please.
22:29OK. Not a problem.
22:30OK.
22:35All right. Come here, you.
22:37Help me!
22:47Help! Help!
22:50Help!
22:51Get me!
22:52Get me!
22:53Get me!
22:54Get me!
22:55Help!
22:56I'm still Jeremy Kane from the Guinness Book of World Records.
23:02That's still right. He still is.
23:04And earlier, Jeremy, you supervised me trying to beat the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds. It was so close, wasn't it?
23:09Yes.
23:10Hard luck.
23:11Hard luck.
23:12Hard luck.
23:13Hard luck.
23:14Hard luck.
23:15Hard luck.
23:16Hard luck.
23:17And now you're here to watch me try to beat the world record for not saying anything in ten seconds. What's the current world record?
23:22Yes.
23:24But what are you doing?
23:2512-ing-ton.
23:26So, it's 12-ing-ton to beat, and I must say, I'm Benny-thin, Kenny-thin, Kenny-thin, Kenny-thin, Henny-thin, Henny-thin, Henny-thin, Kenny-thin, millenny-thin, anything, quienny-thin, anything-thin, anything, anything's anything, anything, anything's anything, anything.
23:35Gah!
23:36Whoooo!
23:37Gah!
23:38Gah!
23:39Gah!
23:40Gah!
23:41Gah!
23:42Gah!
23:43Swim!
23:44Choo!
23:45Gah!
23:46Gah!
23:47Gah!
23:50Gah!
23:53Gah!
23:54Gah!
24:02Morning!
24:03If I asked about the future, would I sense a little attention?
24:06Cos there's something that I've got here that I'd really like to mention.
24:09Let me spell it out. I shall write it with my pen. P-N-S-I-O-N.
24:14My surname is Hughes, but please call me Glenn.
24:17Could you give me five minutes? Maybe ten?
24:20Oh, right. I'll just wipe my feet. I must say, your garden's very neat.
24:25Yes, this is a lovely street. Oh, thank you. My, what a comfy seat.
24:30Ha! Ha! Ha! Right. You can get a pension automatic from the state.
24:35But let me tell you now that it really isn't great. You've got to make the right choices.
24:39Now you're getting older. How about a pension called a stakeholder? Hmm?
24:44Stakeholder! Stakeholder! Oh, look. Here's one in a folder.
24:49Stakeholder! Accessibility. Stakeholder! Flexibility. Stakeholder! Reliability and
24:57Tax Relief and Contributions. Full Liability.
25:01No? Well, then here's another option that affects a little puity.
25:05Have you ever thought about a lifetime annuity? A lifetime annuity? It's fiscal acuity.
25:10Pull! Like this! Your money income purchase is simply converted.
25:15Invested in the market, but can always be reverted. Enhashed or deferred or with an index leak.
25:20Have a little look and just tell me what you think. Take your time.
25:32Ooh, is that the time? Let's have a look at what's on next week's show. Down Periscope!
25:36We'll be welcoming back comedian Josh Carter with his hilarious jokes about forests.
25:43And that was just the conifers.
25:46We'll be discovering the reason why when you mix butter with water, this happens.
25:53Then I'll be flying round the studio like a bird.
25:55Great. Up Periscope.
26:01Well, all that remains is for me to say it's been...
26:04No, no, no, no.
26:05Before you say no, just a few moments more so.
26:07One more thing before you show me to the door, sir.
26:10I'm straight down the line, I've got the qualifications.
26:12An FSA certificate in tax administration.
26:15An NVQ diploma in retirement provision.
26:18I've got awards across the boards for military vision.
26:21And long division.
26:22You've got to understand, I'm offering redemption.
26:25You really ought to think about taking out a pension.
26:27You really ought to think about taking out a pension.
26:30You really ought to think about taking...
26:32...
26:44...
26:45...
26:51...
26:56...
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