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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
00:12I thought I'd start this evening with a jolly little song.
00:16So come on, don't just sit there, please join in and sing along.
00:19Of course you may not want to plus as everybody knows.
00:22It's hard to sing a song when you do not know how it goes.
00:26Still I will just continue on my own if that's alright.
00:29Cos if I stop this early it will look quite unprofessional.
00:32Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show.
00:35It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
00:38And that's the title.
00:39Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show.
00:42It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
00:45Ow!
00:46Welcome to my show now, which I hope you will enjoy.
00:49It's meant for every man and woman, every girl and boy.
00:52But not for lower life forms, they just wouldn't get the gags.
00:56It isn't aimed at gibbons, bats, rhinoceri or stags.
00:59It isn't aimed at flukeworms and it isn't aimed at wrens.
01:02It's aimed at us, the primates known as Homo sapiens.
01:05Dance!
01:06Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show.
01:16It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
01:18It's called, it's Kevin.
01:19Ah!
01:20It's the Kevin Eldon Show.
01:22It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:24Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:25Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:26Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:27Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:28Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:29Kevin Eldon Show.
01:33Show!
01:45I swear, baby, didn't you?
01:47Tommy, Tommy.
01:48Tommy, everybody.
01:49Tommy.
01:50Just trying to help you, mate.
01:52That's all, that's all.
01:53Tommy.
01:54Yeah, I'm fired.
01:55You're not helping yourself here, mate.
01:56You're fired.
01:57Tommy, listen, listen.
01:58You're fired.
01:59Listen, listen.
02:00Fire!
02:01There's no need to be so aggressive, mate.
02:03You're OK.
02:04You're OK.
02:05You're OK.
02:06I'm Angelic.
02:07Tommy, do you remember me?
02:09Tommy, go with Angelic.
02:10Fuck!
02:11I'm in this room.
02:12Go in here, mate.
02:13Come on, that's it.
02:14You would.
02:15All right, in you go.
02:16You would!
02:17You would!
02:18In.
02:26Right.
02:27Got your gown on.
02:29Let's get you done up.
02:31That's it.
02:34Everything's laid out for you.
02:37OK.
02:38I can't get this.
02:39Can you just keep still a minute for me and I'll get you done up?
02:42Yeah.
02:43So, er, here we are.
02:46And look.
02:47Cart on table.
02:48This probably isn't the slickest skin from time.
02:51And it's certainly not particularly subtle or erudite.
02:54But at least it's made by somebody who cares.
03:07Right.
03:08Let's crack on.
03:09What?
03:10Pyramid.
03:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:12What?
03:13Pyramid.
03:14You know, like a triangle.
03:153D.
03:16Pyramid.
03:17Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:18Pyramid.
03:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:20Pyramid.
03:21We should build one.
03:22Massive one.
03:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:24Not out of mud.
03:25Yeah, mud.
03:26No, wood.
03:27Yeah, yeah.
03:28No, stone.
03:29Stone.
03:30Yeah, yeah.
03:31Big blocks of stone.
03:32Loads.
03:33Loads of blocks of stone.
03:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:35Loads.
03:36Millions.
03:37Million blocks of stone.
03:382 million blocks of stone.
03:39Yeah, two million blocks of stone.
03:40Yeah, yeah, we should build a couple.
03:41What?
03:42Pyramids.
03:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:44Build a few.
03:45Oh, yeah, yeah, they'll be cool.
03:46Look great in the middle of the desert.
03:47Yeah, also, we should build a great big cat.
03:48A cat.
03:49400 cubits high.
03:50Yeah, yeah.
03:51500 cubits high.
03:52Yeah, 500 cubits high.
03:53With a bird's face.
03:54Yeah.
03:55No, with a bloke's face.
03:56Yeah, we should definitely do that tomorrow. First thing in the morning.
03:58What if his nose falls off?
04:00What nose?
04:01The birds, cats, bloke's nose thing.
04:02That'll be fine.
04:03Yeah, it'll be fine.
04:04Bird, cat, lion, tiger, eagle thing, and pyramids.
04:07Those pyramids are high, really high, really high.
04:09Yeah, how high?
04:10Really high, really high.
04:11Definitely.
04:12Definitely.
04:13Definitely.
04:14Definitely.
04:15Definitely.
04:16Definitely.
04:17Definitely.
04:18It's a bit chilly in here.
04:20Bob, Bob, come over a minute.
04:22This is Bob, the studio caretaker.
04:24He's a real character.
04:25Well, he's not real.
04:26Well, he's a real character.
04:27No, actually, he's an actor.
04:28Where you going with that?
04:29Oh, handing it in to the lost property office.
04:32I don't know it's lost.
04:33I'm lost all right.
04:35Very civic-minded of you, Bob.
04:37He's very civic-minded.
04:39You join us now at the white coat window on the world of worldwide wonders with, wow,
04:56Wendy Wilson.
04:57Wendy, welcome and well-o.
04:59What?
05:00Hello.
05:01Soundtrack-its?
05:02Soundtrack-its, indeed.
05:05It's a very rare medical condition where those affected are born with a musical soundtrack,
05:11accompanying their words and actions.
05:12And I have with me here a sufferer.
05:14This is Bill Cairns.
05:15Hi, Bill.
05:16Hello.
05:17Bill, could you tell us when you first noticed this condition?
05:20Well, even as a very young child, I noticed that there was something different about me.
05:25And I'm sure the viewers at home can hear the effects of the soundtrack as Bill is speaking.
05:29It's incredible.
05:30And it's fascinating, Bill, how much the types of music vary, isn't it?
05:33Oh, it varies enormously, Wendy.
05:34It really does.
05:35Perhaps that's one of the more entertaining aspects of the condition.
05:38In all the years I've suffered from it, there really seems to be no end of different types of musical accompaniment.
05:43It's really funny.
05:44It does make me laugh, actually, because mostly the music perfectly matches what I'm saying.
05:49But just occasionally, it doesn't.
05:54Now, watch this.
05:55Bill, can I ask you to unbutton a shirt button?
05:58Shitty.
05:59And now, can I ask you to scratch yourself?
06:05And if I give you this lighter?
06:13So, Bill, this can't be very easy to live with.
06:16It's actually caused me quite a lot of sorrow in my life.
06:19But about three years ago, I met a wonderful woman called Virginia.
06:23And we just fell head over heels in love.
06:26We were married last year.
06:28Oh.
06:29Married.
06:32So, Wendy, is this condition treatable?
06:35Sadly, there's no sign of a cure yet, is there, Bill?
06:38A cure?
06:39No.
06:40There is no cure.
06:41So, as things stand, this is for life.
06:47But it's not all bad, because, as Bill will tell you, despite this disability, he's still
06:51able to lead a full and active life.
06:53Yes.
06:54I play football.
06:55I ski.
06:56Italy.
06:57France.
06:58Well, do you know what, Bill?
06:59Your courage and determination are an inspiration to us all.
07:03So, thanks, Wendy.
07:04Pleasure.
07:06And thank you, Bill.
07:07Cheers.
07:12Hey, what would it be like if naughty German Adolf Hitler had actually spoken with the voice
07:17of the Beatles producer, George Martin?
07:19Hmm?
07:20Hmm?
07:21Hmm?
07:22Hmm?
07:23Hmm?
07:24Hmm?
07:25So, it was early 1939.
07:27And me and the boys finally marched into Austria bold as brass.
07:31And I immediately knew that we were onto something big.
07:34So, as soon as I got back, I called an emergency meeting of the German High Command.
07:39We're all terribly excited.
07:41And I said, well, congratulations, chaps.
07:44Looks like we got ourselves a smash hit.
07:46Now, can anybody think of a snappy title for the enforced annexation of a foreign nation?
07:51And I remember Heinrich Himmler, who was always ready with a cheeky quip, immediately piped
07:57up with, well, how about the Anschluss Mein Fuhrer?
08:01And we all fell about laughing and the name stuck.
08:05And that was the beginning of what the press later dubbed Nazi mania.
08:11And looking back, it wasn't that far off the mark.
08:15Because what followed over the next few years was a kind of madness.
08:20Madness.
08:22Madness.
08:24Madness.
08:26Madness.
08:28Madness!
08:30Madness!
08:32Madness.
08:33Madness.
08:37Yeah, he'll be like that.
08:41Coming soon to BBC One, Sid and Nelson are back, and the sparks are still flying in the all-new Love Thy Neighbour.
08:49Hey, hey, hey, what?
08:51What are you doing, nicking my paper?
08:52I wasn't nicking it, I was swapping it, you daft bluebottle.
08:56You creepy bluebottle, you dirty tomato, or I'll thump you one.
08:59Just you try it, Sal, and I'll knock you black and blue.
09:02Watch it, brake light, careful what you say.
09:05You know, this used to be a nice area before you cold taps moved in here.
09:08Oh, yeah? Well, it would be a nicer area if you riding hoods moved out.
09:12Denim, lipstick, avatar, strawberry.
09:16Are you two at it again? Honestly, they're as bad as each other.
09:21The all-new Love Thy Neighbour, in colour.
09:30Hey, Bob, I thought you were taking that to the lost property office.
09:33Can't find it. I thought it was on floor nine.
09:37So, Bob, how long were you a bottler?
09:41A bottler?
09:42Yes, someone who works in a bottling factory.
09:46What makes you think...
09:47Your delayed audio response is indicative of a degree of hearing loss consistent with having worked in a noisy environment.
09:52There are faint crenellations on the back of your neck, as there will be if you had spent a sustained period of time looking up at nozzles,
09:56and there are slight indentations on the pads of your right forefinger and thumb decreasing in depth from front to back,
10:00which suggests a prolonged bounce of the screwing on of bottle tops.
10:04That's amazing, Kevin. I was never a butler, though. But I was a butler.
10:10Hey, I've always wondered, what does a butler do on his day off?
10:16Ah, me day off. I used to enjoy me one day off a year. I'd have a nice lie-in.
10:22Then I'd just, you know, chill out at home, take it easy.
10:25Then maybe I'd meet some butler mates in the park. One of us would bring a ball.
10:28Then in the evening, I'd just kick back and watch a bit of telly.
10:36So why did you give up being a butler, then?
10:38Oh, you had to be too subservient. I've got my pride.
10:42Fair enough.
10:44It's time for winning big prize in UK with Portuguese Horrible Lottery.
10:50UK Lottery, lottery for losers. Chance of winning, one in 14 million.
10:55But with Portuguese Horrible Lottery, chance of winning, one in ten.
11:01That's right. One in ten will win prize, but horrible prize.
11:06Win. A risky skipper of dead dogs.
11:10Win. A bag of assorted toenails.
11:14Win. Drowsers found in alleyway with dreadful content.
11:18Win. Punch in stupid face from stranger on doorstep.
11:22Win.
11:32Win.
11:41Win.
11:43You will win, and prize will be horrible, and that's his promise, Portuguese Horrible
11:58Lottery, his Portuguese is horrible.
12:04He's not listening to me.
12:10He's just being polite.
12:12He's looking straight past me.
12:14Obviously someone more important or successful in the room to talk to.
12:18Are you tired of being overlooked at parties?
12:21Then you need Shoulder Millionaires.
12:25With JK Rowling and Bill Gates on your shoulders, how can you fail to be the most interesting
12:30and well-connected person at any social gathering?
12:34Our range also includes the Madonna Osborne and the Mitchell Mugabe.
12:39Shoulder Millionaires from the makers of crotch beggars.
12:45Right.
12:46I'd better go on with looking for this lost property office.
12:48Hmm.
12:49So if you can, er...
12:51Oh, sorry.
12:52Tell you what, Bob.
12:55Why don't you go and have a look behind the milking sheds, and I'll have a look over here.
12:59Good idea.
13:00Now, let's see, er, lost property.
13:04Ah, no.
13:05See, this is the doctor's sketch.
13:07Oh, well.
13:08Might as well.
13:09Seeing as we're here.
13:10Thanks, Alison.
13:11I'm in.
13:12Doctor, I keep repeating everything I say in different ways, styles, terms.
13:25Ah, yes.
13:26There's a lot of it about at the moment.
13:27Well, can it be treated, cured, put right?
13:30It will pass in a day or two, but I'm afraid it is highly contagious, spreading, infectious,
13:34catching.
13:35I see.
13:36Understand.
13:37Comprehend.
13:38Intellectually grasped.
13:39Just avoid speaking to anyone for the next few days, diurnal revolutions, solar passages.
13:42Why no, doctor.
13:43Cheerio.
13:44Bye.
13:45Adios.
13:46Tootlepip.
13:47Ciao.
13:48Farewell.
13:49Cheers.
13:50Doctor's sketch there.
13:51Thanks, Alison.
13:52Ah!
13:53Release the fly!
13:56Have you, er, have you ever noticed that, er, you're, er, you're in a house, aren't you?
14:00And, er, a fly starts buzzing around.
14:03What's that all about?
14:04It's attention-seeking behaviour resulting from extrovert tendencies.
14:08Oh.
14:29Yes, and I would say that the fly buzzing around now is definitely in need of hypnotherapy
14:33in order to realign its behavioural patterns.
14:36All right.
14:37Well, do your stuff then.
14:38OK.
14:39Well, so first I just need to grasp the fly firmly by the head in order to establish direct
14:43eye contact.
14:44So, er...
14:46Oh, it's hard to pin down, isn't it?
14:49Yes.
14:50This one's very skittish.
14:51Yeah.
14:52Oh, look, look, look, look.
14:53It's landed on that enormous strawberry mousse over there.
14:55Yes, yes.
14:56So, if I just very carefully...
14:59Oh!
15:01Whoops.
15:02Oh, it's off again.
15:05Now, er, don't worry.
15:06I'll get it.
15:07Oh, now it's landed on that giant cactus in that earthenware pot over there.
15:11If I just...
15:12Oh!
15:17Whoops.
15:19OK.
15:20Now, where is it?
15:21Ah, now it's landed on that huge box of blown-up balloons, clown car horns and multi-coloured
15:26feathers over there.
15:27Right.
15:28If I just...
15:29Oh!
15:35Whoops.
15:37I...
15:38I almost got it there.
15:39Ah!
15:40Now it's landed on that very, very, very, very large vat of excrement over there.
16:00Sandwiches.
16:01They're everywhere.
16:03Did you know that at any given nanosecond, there are at least 57 billion sandwiches in
16:09existence in the world?
16:11And if those sandwiches were laid crust to crust, they'd stretch all the way from here
16:16to Mars, and then back here again, and then back again to Mars, and then back here again,
16:25and then back again to Mars, and then back here again.
16:31And imagine how many sandwiches there would be if the Chinese, instead of pancake rolls,
16:38had sandwiches.
16:40But it's a fact that only an intrinsically evil person would deny that sandwiches didn't
16:46start off being called sandwiches.
16:50And back again to Mars.
16:51Oh, I replied, for someone with such a round head, you're certainly a very cavalier.
17:00Ah!
17:02Lord Wimpole, you are so droll.
17:03Tis my narrative method.
17:05Now, let us try our luck once more.
17:08Lord Turdington, what are you doing with those two pieces of bread and that piece of cheese?
17:12Oh, why, sir, it is a mere bagatelle of mine own invention. By placing the cheese betwixt the
17:19bread, I create a snack of ease and convenience.
17:24Behold!
17:25I call it a Turdington.
17:28You can.
17:29This idea of yours has given me an idea, Lord Turdington.
17:32Come over to the fire with that, and bring a long fork.
17:38You intrigue me, Lord Toasty.
17:40And then back here again.
17:42So how did Turdingtons become known as sandwiches?
17:45Well, in the early days, Turdingtons were mostly eaten at beach picnics.
17:50And it's at these events that the phrase, I am removing the sandwich, has got into my Turdington,
17:56became so commonplace that eventually Turdingtons became exclusively known as sandwiches.
18:02It's interesting, isn't it?
18:04But how do you make the perfect sandwich?
18:06And back again to Mars.
18:07If you just put a bit of cress between two slices of mother's pride, I find it's better than a thousand orgasms at the same time.
18:14Well, I swim out to a seal, and I strangle it and then cut it in half, and then I eat the bottom half raw on some pita bread,
18:24which is delicious. I don't need to eat for a month after that.
18:28I thought it was a better pig.
18:30The best sandwich I ever tasted I found in a plastic bag under a train seat.
18:35I don't know what was in it. Orangey, yellow, sticky stuff.
18:41It was sort of quite tangy, with a kind of fishy aftertaste.
18:48I still think of that sandwich sometimes. At night, if I can't sleep.
18:55Yum yum.
18:57And then back here again. A few tips there on how to make the perfect sandwich.
19:01But here to guide me through the process is world-renowned sandwich expert Hosni Mubarak.
19:05OK, Hosni, I start with a single piece of bread.
19:07No.
19:08Oh, like that?
19:10No.
19:11No.
19:12Like that?
19:13No.
19:14Well, it's just lying there.
19:15No.
19:16Turn it over?
19:17No.
19:18I'm a bit stumped.
19:19It's got to be perfect.
19:20Obviously, if it's going to be the perfect sandwich.
19:22So what am I doing wrong?
19:23It's not perfect.
19:24OK.
19:25Oh, is it the breadboard sort of like that?
19:27No.
19:28Like that?
19:29No.
19:30Well, it can't be the edge.
19:31No.
19:32No.
19:33No.
19:34Oh, I know.
19:35If I...
19:36No.
19:37Really?
19:38No.
19:39Yeah, but you haven't...
19:40No.
19:41No.
19:42No.
19:43No.
19:44No.
19:45No.
19:46No.
19:47No.
19:48No.
19:49No.
19:50No.
19:51No.
19:52Yeah, what's wrong with that?
19:53No.
19:54It's just lying there.
19:55No.
19:56No.
19:57No.
19:58No.
19:59No.
20:00All right, that cake is obviously a lot harder than it looks.
20:03Hosni Mubarak, please show me how to make the perfect sandwich.
20:10Oh, my God.
20:25That sandwich is perfect.
20:28I must...
20:29No.
20:30Just a bite.
20:31No.
20:32Just a nibble.
20:33No.
20:34Just a few crumbs.
20:35Can I touch it?
20:36No.
20:37OK, keep your perfect sandwich there.
20:38Hey, did anyone see Shoe Shop this week?
20:41No!
20:45And in that instance, you did fail to effect the purchase of a can of suede guard to go with a pair of hush puppies.
20:53The penalty?
20:58Go on, Steve.
21:02The elastic band.
21:04God's sake, Diane.
21:05She is 41 years old.
21:07Do you defy me, sir?
21:17Forgive me.
21:27Ow!
21:28All that really bloody stings!
21:29Get me ice!
21:30No ice.
21:31You can't deny her ice!
21:32I said no ice!
21:33She must have ice!
21:34Get me ice!
21:35She needs ice!
21:36Oh, well, right.
21:37Get her ice.
21:38Good evening.
21:39My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
21:40I am a fictional man from the north of England with fictional tales from about a potato to the north of England.
21:48It's a simple enough premise.
21:49For God's sake, go along with it.
21:50Anyway, to the day I was taking my dog, Champion, to Wunderhouse for his afternoon constitutional through to derelict shopping mall when suddenly out of an old abandoned spudgelite burst
22:01Daryl Melvin at Blue Notes, Daryl Melvin at Blue Notes, Smokey Robinson at Miracles and Diana Ross at the Supremes.
22:18To the Supremes, apparently, were at home waiting for the bloke to come round and fix her boiler.
22:24Anyway, there they were, all these Motown stars from yesteryear, all doing the slickly choreographed dance routines and close harmonies they're so justly famous for.
22:33But suddenly they turned and started coming at me, accusing me of taking mutually contradictory ethical standpoints.
22:40Oh, you won't buy Nestle prod dogs, but you're flying in an aeroplane, that's a dichotomy.
22:46Ooh, I was that upset that I ran all the way home.
22:49And when I got home, I did not fill out a pool's coupon.
22:51I did not even stick my feet in a bowl of hotdettle.
22:54I just ran upstairs and fell into an uneasy slumber and had a disquieting dream about Colin Cowdery.
22:59There you go, that's life of the north of England, isn't it?
23:02It's enough to make a camel do the Rhymbaba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba, H-baba.
23:21Ow! Now, just a quick reminder, if any of you guys are digilog worms you can space browse a contents marker version of the show on Kevin Eildon hash forward slash gash.
23:27Or if you prefer to surf the e-book, you can find me at bbc2extrathin.markethore.
23:31And if you're a dribbler and you want to hear, add to, or subtract from all the latest dribbles,
23:34then dribble your dribble on Kelton Dribble Rad and Dribble On.
23:37Plus, if you're keen for a virtual tour around my ribs to find out what colour my intercostal muscles are,
23:40you can push any red button you have to see anywhere and just imagine what they might be like.
23:43And don't forget, there's always the option to tag my Zing or redo my SkyCloud,
23:46either on Microsoft, Macro Hard or Medium Floppy.
23:49Oh!
23:53All right, Ben?
23:54All right, Ben.
23:57Morning, Ben.
23:57Morning, Ben.
24:00Ben?
24:01Oh, hey, Ben.
24:03Hi, Ben.
24:09Not everyone's called Ben.
24:15Let's see what's coming up in next week's show.
24:20I'll be taking the coffee test.
24:23There's another round of What's That Smell?
24:26Pork.
24:28No, soot.
24:29And we investigate why summer bookings are down at the Doncaster Ice Hotel.
24:33So, there you go.
24:40First show in the series.
24:43Some people might say it's a bit, you know, disjointed, but...
24:46No.
24:49And the rest of them smell of plankton.
24:51But now, to take us out, here's Switzerland's biggest singing sensation.
24:56It's pop socks and mobile phone.
24:58Good night.
24:59Good night.
25:00Good night.
25:09I was thinking about you.
25:12I was really alone.
25:15So, I decided to call you on my mobile phone.
25:26Calling your mobile phone.
25:29From my mobile phone.
25:32You and I got a mobile phone.
25:36We both got mobile phones.
25:39Hey!
25:41You were thinking about me.
26:00You were feeling alone.
26:03So you decided to call me on your mobile phone
26:12Calling my mobile phone from your mobile phone
26:20You and I got a mobile phone
26:24We both got mobile phones
26:28Oh!
26:33Calling your mobile phone from my mobile phone
26:42Hey Bob, what are you doing?
26:47Hi Kevin, I found the lost property office
26:49Turns out to be down the back of your sofa
26:51And also, I found this lot down here
26:54A packet of Rizzler
26:56Always handy
26:57An old Chinese menu
26:58I wonder where that had got to
27:00And this magazine
27:02Mildly flirtatious ladies
27:05Yeah, all right Bob
27:06I wonder if your phone's going on
27:09What's up?
27:11What's up?
27:13What's up?
27:13What's up?
27:16What's up?
27:17I wonder if I can get this one
27:19That's a lot of results
27:21It's a lot of results
27:23If you look at the process
27:24I wonder if I can get this one
Recommended
27:04
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