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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme all about things that are happening.
00:26Things like this. The contaminated beef scandal continues to deepen. It turns out some Findus lasagnas may have had more horse in them than Catherine the Great.
00:35As angry consumers blame the government, David Cameron promises he's going to get a firm grip on your meat.
00:41The Pope gives up hoping for Lent. Many are shocked.
00:45You're jogging. The Pope. Oh my God.
00:50A furious God shocked the Vatican and in startling scenes hurled a rock at the planet in response to the Pope stepping down.
00:58Or maybe he's just angry about gay marriage. It's hard to tell with God. He's ever so weird.
01:02Meanwhile, this roof indicates Barclays will elect the new Pope.
01:06And in astonishing scenes, David Beckham forgets his kit and is forced to do his thrilling new advert in his pants.
01:11That is the kind of thing that's been happening. But we start here.
01:19I don't know about you, but when I ate a burger, I used to think,
01:22Mmm, what a tasty compacted disc of minced tissue scrapings blasted off a cow carcass with a high-pressure hose and a fly-blown abattoir
01:28ringing with the incoherent agonised howls of simple beasts dying from a single bolt gun shot to the forehead.
01:33But now it turns out it might not have been as appetising as that.
01:36Good evening. Supermarket shelves are being cleared of frozen burgers tonight after reports that some contain DNA from horses.
01:44A few weeks ago, the news went a bit silent, witness Tesco edition, as cheap burgers were being illegally cut with horse.
01:50Being caught out flogging a dead horse was bad publicity for Tesco.
01:54Many of us don't want to eat horse. We're not barbarians.
01:57Although barbarians are precisely the people Tesco apparently used to choose produce for their customers,
02:02as their alarming new ad campaign makes clear.
02:04You know, that's the last time you're going to see that falcon.
02:07Unless you pick up some meatballs on the way out.
02:09Obviously, you can't trust flipping Conan here to possibly tell the difference between a cow and a horse.
02:14I mean, look, he probably thinks that avocado's a dragon's egg.
02:17Mind you, you never know what weird mash-up food you're going to get in Tesco.
02:20Those were probably laid by a horse.
02:22Bet that melon's full of pig guts and f*** knows how you make tiger loaf.
02:25And it wasn't just horse rearing up unexpectedly.
02:27It was also revealed some halal prison food contained an insulting amount of pig.
02:32Halal meat-eaters were as stunned as halal cows aren't.
02:36But the steady gallop of nasty food stories was about to become a stampede,
02:40as the top story basically became...
02:42Eurgh!
02:43The horse meat scandal deepens.
02:46Thindus lasagnas have been found to contain up to 100% horse meat.
02:50100% horse meat? That is a complete mare.
02:54By now, the revelations were piling up like mangled horses at Beecher's Brook,
02:58and the news was full of more pink, meaty, glistening close-up shots
03:01than a year's subscription to Penthouse,
03:03as well as upsetting testimony from members of the public
03:06dismayed to discover they may have unwittingly noshed off a horse.
03:09For Alfie Green, beef lasagna was a tea-time favourite.
03:13Not any more.
03:14So, will you be eating any more of these?
03:16No, not no more. We won't. Definitely not.
03:18Oh, come on, let's not be too hasty.
03:20Don't go mad. You'll miss out on this kind of gourmet experience.
03:23Mmm!
03:23Mmm! Ah, I bet your mouth's watering at home.
03:29To discuss the Grimm scandal,
03:31Sky paraded a paddock full of food experts on screen,
03:33some of whom did their best to lighten the distressing news
03:36by describing the crisis in the voice of Ronnie Corbett.
03:39Well, what's supposed to happen is that the supermarket checks on your behalf.
03:43Supermarkets are experts in food.
03:45You know what? He may sound funny, but he really knows the food chain.
03:48Now, we talk about the food chain, and at one end, meat comes out,
03:53but, and cows normally go in,
03:55but somewhere in the food chain, horses came in, and meat came out.
04:01This guy is good.
04:02This whole thing has been a PR disaster for Findus,
04:05which is a shame, because their lasagnas always look really nice
04:08in the lovingly shot adverts.
04:10I mean, look at that, no hooves sticking out of it or anything.
04:13That's it, son. Eat your horse. Giddy up.
04:16In the pre-horsemeat scandal days,
04:18Findus used to run an impressively chic advert for their gourmet range,
04:21created by a suave French chef.
04:24Candles, wine, music, and the secret weapon.
04:29A recipe from Jean-Christophe Novelli himself.
04:31Yes, Jean-Christophe Novelli used to be the credible face of Findus' lasagna,
04:35prepping the food in a notably horseless kitchen.
04:38I wonder if he's ever used horse.
04:40I mean, I'm sure if he has,
04:41he'd only used the finest quality Parisian horse.
04:44Critted by me.
04:45Frozen by Findus.
04:46And ridden by jockeys.
04:48We've been asked to point out that Jean-Christophe Novelli
04:50has in no way been implicated in the horsemeat scandal.
04:55Of course, thanks to television,
04:56we've become accustomed to seeing food prepared in picturesque kitchens like this,
05:00whereas as Sky News starkly depicted,
05:02Findus' lasagnas are actually made in places like this.
05:05In fact, rather than friendly Findus,
05:06they're actually manufactured by the less appetizing-sounding comedy.
05:09who supply lovingly mass-produced frozen-dead animal gobblepots
05:13for companies all over Europe,
05:15the trail of suspect meat being detailed on the news
05:17like a map from invasion of the edible horse creatures.
05:20In fact, thanks to the charming accompanying footage we've seen
05:22of the depressing interiors of food processing plants,
05:25the whole thing is starting to feel uncomfortably close
05:27to the plot of the superbly depressing 70s dystopian epic
05:30Soylent Green,
05:32in which Charlton Heston discovers processed food
05:34is being manufactured from the corpses of recently euthanized people.
05:38If I was the food industry, which I'm not,
05:40I'd actually turn the uncertainty over what's in our meat into a plus.
05:44I'd market it as the safari-in-your-mouth burger.
05:47It's an entire animal kingdom in a bun.
05:49Who knows what you're going to get?
05:50It could be cow, pig, horse, meerkat, or all of the above.
05:55The horse meat scandal has generated much discussion,
05:58some of it online, as we'll see now.
05:59These are your words, your opinions.
06:01It's what you think.
06:03It's points off of you in Points Off You.
06:12The news that horse meat has been found in beef products
06:14has made many people very angry.
06:17For instance,
06:18Muso felt driven to visit Yahoo to ponder,
06:21I wonder who has been tampering with it?
06:23I think we might find out it's related to immigrants.
06:27I think you'll find the horses were immigrants,
06:29Romanian immigrants at that,
06:30coming over here, taking British cows' jobs.
06:33Food Minister David Heath popped up all over the news
06:36to reassure consumers,
06:37urging them not to needlessly throw meat away.
06:40A sentiment that annoyed Sam,
06:42who went to the BBC News site,
06:44to say,
06:45how dare the government tell us what we can and cannot do?
06:48If I want to bin meat,
06:50that is my choice,
06:51my right.
06:52I'm half-tempted to ruin lots of meat
06:55to make a point.
06:56Well, good luck with that, Sam.
06:58Although I'd say you'd be hard-pressed
06:59to make the point any more cogently
07:01than you just did.
07:02The BAFTAs were held on Sunday,
07:04which made for glittering and exciting viewing.
07:06Helen Mirrens shocked and stunned everyone watching
07:08with a snazzy new pink hairdo.
07:10Her new hairstyle prompted much discussion.
07:12For instance,
07:13E went on to Yahoo to say,
07:14my kid's primary school headmistress
07:16had pink flashes in her white blonde hair,
07:19and she was a mature lady.
07:20She was a fantastic headmistress
07:22and led the way with her mantra
07:23in a multicultural school
07:25that everyone was special,
07:26individual creativity was applauded
07:28and there was no school uniform.
07:31The school had excellent discipline
07:32and great results.
07:34School uniforms stifle individuality
07:36and creativity.
07:38Food for thought there.
07:40Although I'm not sure it's entirely relevant
07:41to the topic under discussion here.
07:43Thank you anyway.
07:44P, meanwhile,
07:45similarly expressed admiration
07:46for Helen's hair,
07:47stating simply,
07:48defo worth a bang.
07:50Oh, P, you are a card.
07:51The one show usually has these guests
07:54like someone off Waterloo Road
07:56or a bloke who knows shitloads
07:58about the history of tarmac.
07:59But the other day,
08:00there was this bald bloke on
08:01and I was across the room
08:03and I thought,
08:03oh, it's Jesper Carrot.
08:05Maybe they're doing golden balls again.
08:07But it wasn't Jesper Carrot.
08:08It was Bruce Willis.
08:10Bruce Willis, right,
08:11had done this film called
08:12A Good Day to Die Hard
08:14and it had this brilliant trailer
08:16full of amazing things happening
08:18like explosions
08:19and more explosions
08:21which is brilliantly done.
08:23All the fire looks hot and everything.
08:25Hardly anyone seemed to have seen
08:26this Die Hard Fire thing
08:27till just before it came out.
08:29It was like the film people
08:30were keeping it secret
08:31so no one could spoil it for you
08:32by saying,
08:33hey, it's brilliant
08:34just before you pay to see it.
08:35But Matt Baker and Alex Jones
08:37had seen it
08:38and they obviously loved it
08:39because they kept telling
08:40Bruce Willis it was great.
08:41And it is absolutely incredible.
08:44You've raised the bar
08:46as far as action movies are concerned.
08:47Bruce Willis seemed
08:48sort of humble about
08:49how good he knew the film was.
08:51Like he could hardly talk about it
08:53if it was so humble.
08:54And it has that Die Hard
08:56oomph to it, so...
08:58Seriously,
08:59he was so torn up with pride
09:00he just had to look at the floor
09:02and hardly say anything.
09:03Like when they asked
09:04if his daughters had seen it.
09:06Have the girls seen the film?
09:09Uh...
09:09You didn't...
09:11Like you could see in his eyes
09:13he was really proud of this film.
09:15The exciting looking film
09:16where he machine guns
09:18all the terrorists
09:19for like the fifth time
09:20which looks brilliant.
09:21He's managed to make
09:22the same film five times
09:24without dying on the inside.
09:26Or looking like
09:27he doesn't really have
09:28much enthusiasm
09:28for the whole fucking thing anymore
09:30and just wishes it would stop.
09:32That's not what he looks like.
09:34Matt Baker, right?
09:35introduced a clip from Moonlighting
09:36and you could tell
09:37Bruce was excited.
09:39A lot of people will remember you
09:40from Moonlighting
09:41back in 85.
09:43It kind of launched you.
09:44Let's just remind ourselves
09:45for all those
09:46that may have forgotten.
09:47Here we go.
09:49Moonlighting looked brilliant.
09:51Sort of effervescent
09:52like full of life.
09:54But not as good as
09:55the new film
09:56that looks amazing
09:57with all the stuff
09:58that blows up
09:58and the exciting shooting
10:00and everything
10:01and all the computerised pictures
10:03where everything explodes
10:05and the big writing
10:06and the banging
10:07and the booming sounds.
10:12In terms of noise alone
10:14it's probably the best film ever.
10:16Later they mentioned
10:17Bruce's singing career
10:18when he did
10:19Under the Boardwalk
10:20and he was chuffed
10:21they brought that up.
10:23You should sing
10:23Under the Boardwalk.
10:25Oh, I will.
10:26They showed a bit of it actually.
10:28All that entertaining footage
10:30of him singing
10:31these classic songs
10:32in front of some black blokes
10:33in the 80s.
10:34It was great.
10:39Not as great as
10:41the film he's done
10:42that looks really incredible
10:43with all the helicopters
10:44and the death in it.
10:46Obviously because
10:47that's amazing.
10:48Then he sort of made
10:49a sound with a harmonica
10:51and got a nice round of applause.
10:54And I thought
11:01oh, he must have
11:02overcome something.
11:03That's why they're being nice.
11:05Good for you, Bruce.
11:07Hope the film
11:07makes loads of money.
11:10I really do
11:10because it looks good
11:12that film
11:13with all the amazing
11:13explosions
11:14and the shooting in it
11:16and the helicopter
11:18and everything
11:18and then him killing people
11:21like really killing
11:22lots of people
11:24with guns
11:24like people
11:25were mums and dads
11:26in history
11:26and he just mows them
11:28all down
11:29because they're sort of
11:30bad probably.
11:32I don't know.
11:32I haven't seen it.
11:33But I expect they are
11:34otherwise he's a fucking murderer.
11:37I always thought
11:38all marriages
11:38were same-sex marriages
11:40after all married couples
11:41end up having the same sex
11:42over and over again
11:43until it's as emotionally
11:44involving as flossing your teeth.
11:46So on the face of it
11:47the thought of two people
11:48with matching ghoulies
11:49walking down the aisle
11:49seems about as controversial
11:51as, I don't know,
11:51two people who are quite
11:52into Game of Thrones
11:53getting married.
11:54But apparently
11:55it's a bit more
11:56controversial than that.
11:58The recent Commons vote
11:59on same-sex marriages
12:00exposed ructions
12:00in the Tory party
12:01as the modernisers
12:02went up against
12:03the traditionalists.
12:04I say traditionalists
12:05but the traditional argument
12:07has actually changed.
12:08The traditional argument
12:09against anything gay
12:10used to be
12:11EARGH!
12:12Bummers!
12:13EARGH!
12:13I don't like it!
12:14I mean, not so long ago
12:15even the BBC
12:16could openly express
12:17that attitude.
12:18For many of us
12:19this is revolting
12:19men dancing with men.
12:21That is revolting.
12:23They'll be too tired
12:23to fuck each other afterwards.
12:25But today's modern
12:26progressive traditionalists
12:28accept the notion
12:29of gay sex
12:29as long as it's not
12:30in their backyard
12:31or rammed down their throat.
12:33And a handful of them
12:34repeatedly popped up
12:35on the news
12:35to explain their
12:36opposition to gay marriage
12:37is nothing to do
12:38with bedroom squeamishness.
12:39No!
12:40It's to do with
12:41other issues
12:41such as timing.
12:43I mean, why now
12:44when there are
12:45more important issues?
12:46It's not the priority
12:47the economy's the priority.
12:49In 26 years as an MP
12:51I never once got a letter
12:53calling for gay marriage.
12:55Oh, that's a shame.
12:56You're quite a good-looking bloke.
12:57I'd marry you.
12:59Another objection
12:59widely voiced across the news
13:01is that this is an attempt
13:02to redefine marriage.
13:03The significant number
13:04in his party
13:05will not support
13:06what they see
13:07as an attempt
13:08to redefine marriage.
13:10We are changing
13:11the definition
13:11of marriage.
13:13A redefinition of marriage.
13:15We begin to live in
13:16sort of Alice in Wonderland.
13:17We begin to things
13:18make things topsy-turvy.
13:19We begin to redefine language.
13:21Hmm, it's an interesting
13:22philosophical point
13:23but surely
13:23if I choose to redefine
13:25a spoon
13:25as something
13:26I shove up my arse
13:27it doesn't stop you
13:28enjoying your pudding
13:29unless I use your spoon.
13:31But perhaps the biggest objection
13:33widely voiced across the news
13:34is that David Cameron
13:35simply doesn't have a mandate
13:36for this kind of thing.
13:37Neither the Prime Minister
13:38nor any of the other party leaders
13:40has a mandate.
13:41There's no mandate
13:42for this at all.
13:42There's no mandate.
13:44No mandate.
13:44No mandate.
13:45He has got no mandate.
13:46No mandate.
13:47No mandate.
13:48No mandate?
13:49Well, if Cameron's got no mandate
13:50maybe he can borrow some
13:51from Sasha Distel.
13:52Hello, I am Sasha Distel.
13:55They asked me to try mandate
13:56and now I wear it all the time
13:58because it's sophisticated
13:59long-lasting
14:00and very sexy.
14:03This is not preaching
14:04This time it's for real
14:06Mandate sings my songs
14:08Not just a fun thing
14:10Like some kiss and one thing
14:12Forever was part of a deal
14:14Mandate speaks my language.
14:16Yes, as this masculine
14:17and evocative ad
14:18artfully demonstrates
14:19mandate is the sole reserve
14:20of heterosexuals.
14:21And when I'm relaxing
14:22need I say more?
14:24It's all right.
14:26It's in my word.
14:28Oh, thank God for that.
14:29I thought it was your husband
14:29and you don't have a mandate
14:31for that
14:31you mucky Frenchman.
14:33Mandate says a lot for a man.
14:37Anyway, that's the anti-camp.
14:39Not that I'm calling them camp.
14:40What about the pro-gay body?
14:42Typically the pinko, leftist,
14:44liberal, lefty, communist,
14:45left-wing media
14:46was doing its bit
14:47to promote diversity
14:48by showing us
14:49gay couple after gay couple.
14:50We saw gay couples
14:52so laid back
14:52they seemed to be feeding
14:53their baby to a dog.
14:55We saw a gay couple
14:56so close
14:57they could finish
14:57each other's sentences.
14:59We looked to upgrade
15:01to marriage
15:01from a civil union
15:03simply because
15:04we want to have
15:07the same equality
15:09as everybody else.
15:10Gay marriage looks fun.
15:11And a gay couple
15:12that resembled
15:13the most progressive
15:13ventriloquist act
15:14of all time.
15:15It's the thing of almost
15:16a civil partnership
15:17isn't good enough
15:18to be a marriage.
15:20And even we have
15:20this conversation
15:21up with people
15:21and we say
15:21we're getting married.
15:22Thing is,
15:23all these gay couples
15:24look alike to me.
15:25I mean,
15:25look at this gay couple.
15:27Why should we not be
15:27equal to anybody else?
15:29Just the same
15:29as this gay couple.
15:30People say gay marriage.
15:31It isn't gay marriage.
15:32It's just marriage.
15:33And this gay couple.
15:34About dignity
15:35for lesbian and gay people.
15:37I thought they liked diversity.
15:38They all look the same.
15:40Even Hugh Edwards
15:40doesn't seem to think
15:41they're all that.
15:42You've got a stable relationship,
15:43five kids,
15:44what's the big deal?
15:45Of course,
15:46it's not just MPs
15:47who take a view
15:47on gay marriage.
15:48Other humans do too.
15:50The new Archbishop
15:50of Canterbury
15:51seen here passing
15:52his initiation test
15:53by pointing to
15:54where God lives
15:54is opposed to it.
15:55Whereas this northern fisherman
15:57thinks it's fine.
15:58My brother was gay
15:59so I don't object to it
16:01and I loved him.
16:02This guy doesn't believe in it.
16:03Based on my Christian beliefs,
16:05I don't agree with
16:06gay marriages at all.
16:09And some couples
16:09aren't that impressed actually,
16:11are they, love?
16:11We're not that impressed actually.
16:14Are we, love?
16:14Oh, marriage.
16:18As the Pinkmageddon vote approached,
16:20the news cameras
16:21were pointing at the Commons.
16:23With the gay floodgates
16:24about to open,
16:24traditional values
16:25were already slipping.
16:27Trendy progressive
16:27Channel 4 News
16:28sent Alex Thompson
16:29to cruise for reaction
16:30live from a gay bar
16:32with a pint in his hand.
16:34We're live in a Soho bar.
16:37Yes, we're in the Ripper Street bar
16:39in central London
16:40where we'll be talking
16:41to gay men
16:42and getting their reaction.
16:43Finally,
16:43after all the debate,
16:45the MPs cast their vote.
16:46Tonight at 10,
16:47plans to allow gay couples
16:49to marry
16:49have been approved
16:50by MPs.
16:51And then the vote passed,
16:53thereby paving the way
16:54for same-sex unions
16:55and causing the world to end,
16:56which is why
16:57you didn't see this.
16:58Love in all its guises
16:59can be terribly complex,
17:01but what better way
17:02to contemplate love
17:03than via the medium of poetry.
17:04Here's topical poet
17:05Tim Key.
17:10This is a poem about love.
17:14I'm in love with a girl,
17:15I'm in love with a girl,
17:17but I'll never have her.
17:19I will never have her.
17:24Or at least it's statistically unlikely.
17:29Because she is extremely pretty.
17:32And because I only saw her on the telly
17:37in the crowd
17:38at the U.S. Open,
17:40she looked like she had a fella.
17:42She was,
17:44had her hand on a fella's leg.
17:46Love can be a little bit,
17:55a little bit of a fucker.
17:59We don't trust the human heart
18:01to make romantic decisions
18:02on its own anymore.
18:03And why should we,
18:04now we've got technology?
18:05These days,
18:06people meet using online dating algorithms,
18:08they flirt over Twitter,
18:10swap mucky photos via 4G,
18:12and have full sexual intercourse
18:14with microwave ovens.
18:15They absolutely do.
18:17But TV isn't quite as sophisticated as that.
18:19It tries to pair people off
18:21using sheer weight of numbers alone.
18:23Consider the phenomenal Take Me Out,
18:25which opens with Paddy McGuinness
18:26sliding down a pipe
18:27like a cheeky showbiz turd
18:29before summoning 30 girls
18:30into our dimension
18:31via a kind of instant
18:32hen night dispenser.
18:34It's a simple test
18:35to see if they can navigate stairs,
18:36which they don't always pass.
18:42Oh, why me?
18:44Why you?
18:45Because there's no God,
18:46that's why you.
18:47There's no God
18:47and we're all gonna die,
18:48okay?
18:49You happy now?
18:50Get on with your dating show.
18:51Hope you meet someone nice.
18:53The titted jury
18:54then assumes the position
18:55behind 30 neon podiums
18:57in scenes resembling
18:57a Baz Luhrmann remake
18:58of the Nuremberg Trials.
19:00Then McGuinness delivers
19:01his trademark,
19:02let the X see the Y
19:04catchphrase.
19:05Let the Saturday night
19:06see the fever.
19:16Next, a mammal
19:17is delivered down the chute
19:18and encouraged
19:19to perform basic tricks
19:20for the girls to scrutinise.
19:22Evening, ladies.
19:23My name's William
19:24and I'm from Carmarthen.
19:26The jurors then make
19:27yes or no snap judgments
19:28based on their appearance.
19:32The hive mind is displeased
19:33by your boldness.
19:35They're also shown
19:36backstory VT,
19:37so even those
19:38who've been defeated
19:38by stairs
19:39can judge the men's lifestyle.
19:41I'm really lucky
19:41as I'm a professional footballer.
19:43Getting paid to play
19:44is unbelievable.
19:45I can't think
19:46of anything worse
19:48than a footballer.
19:49What about a footballer
19:50up some stairs?
19:52Less popular
19:52is Sky's
19:53existentially terrifying
19:54love machine
19:55fronted by barking obelisk
19:56Chris Moyles
19:57and Peggy
19:57from Heidi High.
19:59Impossibly,
19:59it's actually less
20:00intellectually nourishing
20:01than Take Me Out
20:02and establishes itself
20:03from the very start
20:04as a show
20:05for the easily pleased.
20:07Hello,
20:07and welcome to
20:08The Love Machine
20:09on Sky Living HD.
20:10Look, it's Stacey Sullivan,
20:11everybody.
20:14Thank you,
20:15that's our level
20:15calibrated.
20:16You may now proceed.
20:17The love machine
20:18of the title
20:18resembles a sort
20:19of gigantic phone dial
20:20from which choosy
20:21contestants pick
20:22potential shags
20:23while the audience
20:24moos encouragement.
20:27Since the prospect
20:28aren't allowed
20:29to speak
20:30during the selection
20:30process,
20:31it looks exactly
20:32like what will
20:32happen in the near future
20:33when you can go
20:34into a sex android
20:35showroom
20:36to choose this year's
20:37model.
20:37I don't like his
20:38jacket.
20:39Okay.
20:40Well, do you know
20:41what?
20:41He can always take it off.
20:42It's got sellotape
20:43to him.
20:44It's in my mind
20:45now.
20:45I won't forget it.
20:46Both his ears pierced.
20:47Is that any opinion
20:49about that?
20:49It's a bit too much
20:50for me, that.
20:51You're not feeling it,
20:51are you?
20:52I'm sorry, no.
20:53If they decide they
20:54actually like the look
20:55of one...
20:55Yeah, it's fit.
20:56Oh, okay.
20:57That's good.
20:58The genitals humanoid
20:59in question is downloaded
21:00from the machine
21:01for a closer look.
21:02I'm still in front of you.
21:03You picked about the wheel.
21:05It's good height as well.
21:06Yeah.
21:06All right.
21:07You know what?
21:07This is actually
21:08a more rigorous meat inspection
21:09than the food standards
21:11agency's managed recently.
21:12The love machine's
21:13hardly scientific.
21:14You'd probably have
21:15about as much chance
21:16of producing a mate
21:17by holding a karaoke contest
21:18and copping off
21:19with whoever had
21:19the best voice.
21:21Fortunately,
21:21there's a show
21:22where exactly
21:22that happens, too.
21:25This is Sing Date,
21:27where people look for love
21:28by singing to each other.
21:30Why?
21:30Sing Date is yet another
21:32weird televised method
21:33of choosing a life partner.
21:34In it,
21:34a music-mad singleton
21:35sifts through a stack
21:36of videos of other
21:37music-mad singletons
21:38crooning into their laptops
21:39like hostages
21:40forced to entertain
21:41their captors at gunpoint.
21:42It's time to start
21:43Joy's search for love
21:44on the Sing Date site
21:45and medley of men
21:47are ready to serenade her.
21:48There's no need to...
21:50Where is he?
21:51He looks like he's in
21:51some kind of a closet.
21:52They then choose
21:53three potential suitors
21:54from the crap heap.
21:55Joy's first choice
21:56is Stuart.
21:57Stuart was quite
21:58interesting, actually.
21:59He was very clean cut.
22:02Let's dance.
22:03I love the way he danced.
22:05Very, very good voice,
22:06indeed.
22:06And I love his movements
22:07and I just think
22:08it'd be just so much fun.
22:09They then perform
22:10a live duet
22:10with each of them
22:11in turn
22:11to see if it sparks love.
22:12I know this love
22:14we shared
22:16was meant to be.
22:19Oh, no.
22:20I knew you were waiting.
22:22I knew you were waiting.
22:24I knew you were waiting.
22:26I knew you were waiting.
22:27I knew you were waiting for me.
22:29Then she has to pick one,
22:30just one,
22:31based on the sound
22:32of their voice
22:32and whatever decor
22:33she can spot
22:34in the background
22:35before inviting them
22:36into the studio
22:36for the grand finale
22:37in which they serenade each other
22:39in scenes which closely resemble
22:41a sort of amateur restaging
22:42of a Top of the Pops 2 clip
22:44from 1989.
22:45My Endless Love
22:49Great to sing with,
22:51I tell you.
22:51Yes, that was you.
22:52Really brilliant to sing with,
22:53thank you.
22:54Joining me to discuss
22:55dating shows like
22:55Sing Date
22:56are stand-up Tony Law
22:57and comedian
22:58Richard Herring
22:59who sings,
23:00sings in women's faces
23:01during sex.
23:02Isn't that true?
23:03I've been known to do that.
23:04What did you make
23:05of Sing Date?
23:06I don't like singing.
23:08No.
23:08At all.
23:09Full stop?
23:09No, I like if you go
23:10and see a band
23:11or something
23:12where they're supposed
23:12to be singing
23:13but people who just
23:14break into song
23:14can't bear that.
23:16But it's like singing
23:17has become the most
23:18important thing.
23:19It's like X Factor
23:20if you can sing
23:21in that sort of karaoke way.
23:22It's not like singing.
23:23It's singing in a certain
23:24type of way.
23:25So if you can sing like that
23:26you become very rich
23:27and now you get to
23:28go on dates with people
23:30whereas if you can't sing
23:31you're not allowed
23:32to have sex anymore.
23:33I mean, presumably
23:33the idea is that
23:34they think musical couplings
23:35always work
23:36unlike say Rihanna
23:38and Chris Brown
23:39or Phil Spector
23:41and the woman he shot.
23:44Although in the program
23:45the two people
23:46who got together
23:46were really ideal
23:47for each other.
23:48They were.
23:48I am utterly convinced
23:49they went straight home
23:51and had sex with each other
23:52so and are together now
23:53I think.
23:54If you think singing
23:54is an unusual way
23:55to choose a partner
23:56have a look at this.
23:57This is a new American show
23:58called The Choice.
23:59As the title suggests
24:00it's a bit like The Voice.
24:01Celebrity bachelors
24:02select a potential partner
24:03on the sound
24:04of her voice alone.
24:06Hey guys.
24:07So first and foremost
24:08I can assure you
24:09that I am the best.
24:11Is that right?
24:14I am an East Coast girl
24:16at heart
24:16but I currently live
24:17in Sin City, Nevada.
24:18I am a cocktail server
24:20on the Las Vegas Strip.
24:22I love to party.
24:23Ten seconds
24:24to have a good time.
24:26Obviously everyone in that
24:27looks uniquely loathsome.
24:30What did you make of that?
24:31Well the men
24:32are all really famous
24:33and they're the last people
24:34and very rich
24:36and quite sort of
24:36good looking
24:37and single.
24:38The last thing
24:39those blokes need
24:40is a dating show
24:41to get them more women.
24:43They're already getting plenty.
24:43It's like they're too lazy
24:44to go out
24:45and just go to a bar.
24:46They're too lazy
24:47even to do that.
24:47Even to dangle themselves
24:48out there
24:49like a maggot in a pond.
24:51I'm a professional
24:52poker player.
24:56To be honest
24:57it doesn't take that much
24:58to convince men.
24:59They might as well
24:59say something like
25:00my vagina isn't full of beans.
25:02Or even
25:03my vagina is no longer
25:04full of beans.
25:05But also
25:06all the women
25:07are identical anyway.
25:08Well that is the thing
25:08I mean it is all
25:09sort of fairly identical
25:11hot American
25:12hot American women.
25:13There's no jeopardy.
25:14There isn't any jeopardy.
25:16Hot damaged American women
25:17in cocktail dresses
25:19who haven't ended up
25:21in porn
25:21then go on this show.
25:23This is the rung above porn.
25:25Yeah.
25:25I'd feel more comfortable
25:26if the game
25:27was completely reversed though.
25:28What if you did a show
25:29called Glory Hole?
25:30Yeah.
25:31Someone has to stick
25:31their penis through
25:32and whoever's on the other
25:33it could be
25:34it could be a woman
25:35it could be a goat
25:36it could be your dad.
25:37Yeah.
25:38And that's it
25:39you guys are going on a date.
25:40Yeah.
25:40I know what dad's like.
25:42So I'd probably be okay.
25:44I'm going oh great
25:44I love dad's favourite restaurant.
25:46Yeah.
25:47There was this king bloke
25:49called Richard III
25:50who died ages ago
25:52and no one knew
25:53where he was.
25:54But then they found him again.
25:56He'd been hiding in the ground
25:57which kings don't normally do.
26:00There was this really interesting
26:01thing all about it
26:02sort of like CSI
26:04but in Leicester
26:05and with this man
26:06from horrible histories
26:07and a woman
26:08who's in love
26:09with King Richard
26:10even though he's dead
26:11like Demi Moore in Ghost
26:13it was brilliant.
26:16It's all quite clinical
26:17isn't it
26:17all sort of laid out
26:18like this.
26:19It's very clinical
26:19and it's really
26:19difficult seeing him
26:22laid out like this.
26:24Guys I'm sorry
26:27I can't.
26:30People kept saying
26:31he died on the battlefield
26:32but he didn't.
26:33He died in a car park
26:35and the car park's
26:36only open Monday
26:36or Friday
26:37so he must have died
26:37on a weekday.
26:38In the old paint photos
26:40King Richard had
26:40sort of dog ears
26:41but those had all
26:42rotted away.
26:43He turned into all bones.
26:45You could see
26:46he was like half human
26:47half dinosaur.
26:49Because they had
26:49his skull
26:50they could make
26:51his whole head
26:52and show exactly
26:53what his eyebrows
26:53looked like
26:54and whether
26:55he plucked them
26:56or not
26:56because you can
26:57tell that from
26:58a skull.
26:59What's weird
27:00is the likeness
27:01that they made
27:02looks like
27:03what they thought
27:04he would have
27:05looked like anyway
27:06but that just shows
27:07how accurate
27:07the plasticine stuff is.
27:09This is an historic
27:10moment in the story
27:11of Leicester.
27:12It's really put
27:13Leicester on the map.
27:14The only person
27:15they'd found there
27:16before was Gary Lineker
27:17but his skeleton
27:19is still in his body
27:20and he only spends
27:22some of his time
27:22in car parks.
27:24Nutrition
27:31and a yoghurt company
27:32employs shocking
27:32emotional blackmail
27:33to shift units.
27:35Last year
27:35my mum fell badly.
27:37She was stuck
27:38at home for months.
27:40She knew calcium
27:41was important
27:42so I thought
27:43she was taking
27:44good care of her bones.
27:45Your mum took care
27:46of my bone.
27:46I just didn't get it.
27:48Your mum did.
27:49But what I've just learned
27:50is that vitamin D
27:51is also very important
27:52on top.
27:53It helps the body
27:54absorb and use calcium.
27:55Oh that's a good graph.
27:56I mean look at that.
27:57That is exactly
27:58how vitamin D works.
27:59It really made me think.
28:01Yeah.
28:01It made you think
28:02I'll use mum's accident
28:03to flog some f***ing yoghurt.
28:10Food!
28:10And in a tempestuous time
28:12for supermarkets
28:13Tesco withdraws
28:14horse contaminated burgers
28:16Aldi is tainted
28:17by dobbin flavoured lasagna
28:18and in harrowing
28:19and surprising scenes
28:21Morrison's meat counter
28:22suffers a terrible
28:23ant infestation.
28:24Hi Anthony.
28:25Can I call you Anthony?
28:26You certainly can.
28:27Have you seen that knife?
28:28I'd call him sir.
28:29Good point.
28:30The food is lovingly presented
28:31and Ant and Dec
28:32come across as likeably
28:33as ever.
28:34But they're an odd choice
28:35really to front
28:35a food campaign.
28:37There you go.
28:38I've scored it for you.
28:39Just rubbing some salt
28:40for some lovely crackling.
28:41I mean the last time
28:42I saw them on television
28:43cheerfully encouraging
28:44someone to eat something
28:45it wasn't quite
28:46such an appetising scene.
28:50It's deep fried camel bear.
28:53Camel penis.
28:54Yes I'm a celebrity
28:55doesn't look quite so gut-wrenching
28:57now we've all been eating
28:57unidentified creature.
28:59Get it down your neck
29:00it's hardly a findus lasagna.
29:04Disgusting.
29:05Well that's about all
29:06we've got time for
29:06this week.
29:07I hope you can handle that.
29:08Until next time
29:09go away.
29:10Go away.
29:36Go away.
29:37Go away.
29:38Go away.
29:39Go away.
29:40Go away.
29:40Go away.
29:41Go away.
29:41Go away.
29:42Go away.
29:42Go away.
29:43Go away.
29:43Go away.
29:43Go away.
29:44Go away.
29:44Go away.
29:44Go away.
29:45Go away.
29:45Go away.
29:45Go away.
29:46Go away.
29:46Go away.
29:46Go away.
29:47Go away.
29:47Go away.
29:47Go away.
29:48Go away.
29:48Go away.
29:49Go away.
29:49Go away.
29:50Go away.
29:50Go away.
29:51Go away.
29:51Go away.
29:52Go away.
29:52Go away.
29:53Go away.
29:54Go away.
29:55Go away.
29:56Go away.
29:56Go away.
29:57Go away.
29:58Go away.
29:59Go away.
30:00Go away.
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29:05
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