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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
00:12Oh, welcome to the show. This week we're starting loose and free.
00:16We've decided to dispense with any continuity.
00:19Now my face is hairless and now I've got a beard.
00:22And in the next shot that you see me, look, the beard has disappeared.
00:26And now this man who's singing isn't actually me.
00:29I think his name is Francis and he comes from Dukesbury.
00:32Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show. It's the Kevin Kevin Eldon Show.
00:38And that's the title. Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show.
00:42It's the Kevin Kevin Eldon Show.
00:46Onwards with the show and continuity is back.
00:49But just to keep it interesting, I'm standing in a sack.
00:59Actually, I'm not sure if that's interesting at all.
01:04So watch me while I run this way headlong into a wall. Go!
01:08One more! Go!
01:15Ah! Oh!
01:16It's the Kevin Eldershow!
01:46Come in.
01:53So, what appears to be the trouble?
01:55I think I might be suffering from depression.
01:58It just flew into the studio.
02:00It looks like it might be a rare red-tailed hedgehopper,
02:03known for its highly unusual cry...
02:05Let's see if I can get it to make a noise.
02:07Which, some say, sounds like a human voice.
02:09Stop shaking the box about you, crink!
02:13Yeah, it does sound quite human, doesn't it?
02:15Stop it!
02:17I'm going to peck my way out of here and trap in your eyes!
02:20It's lovely, makes you think of Summerfields.
02:23Don't you mind? I'll board you!
02:25Okay, I'm just going to pop outside and let it go.
02:28And then you are dead, mate.
02:30Dead! What are you looking at? I'm going to catch you!
02:33Oh, it's hauntingly beautiful.
02:45I'm going to catch you!
02:47I'm going to catch you!
02:48Oh, it's hauntingly beautiful.
02:49Oh, it's hauntingly beautiful.
02:50Oh, it's hauntingly beautiful.
02:51Yeah, can we have mobiles off, please?
03:01Sorry.
03:03Now, you hear a lot of people saying,
03:05Ooh, I'd love to be a king.
03:07Ooh, I'd love to be a king.
03:10But it's not easy being a king.
03:12Just ask Prince Charles.
03:14Satire.
03:16Satire.
03:17Satire.
03:18Satire.
03:19I mean, personally, I'd hate to be a king.
03:22For a start, you'd have to be all nice to people you knew for a fact were scum.
03:25You'd stink of velvet.
03:26You'd probably have syphilis.
03:27All you'd ever get to eat would be gossamer omelets.
03:30Republicans would say Your Majesty to you all sarcastically.
03:33Cardinals would be outside your bedroom door whispering all night.
03:36There'd be a man in charge of cleaning your bottom.
03:38And all the pictures of you on stamps wouldn't have any irises.
03:42Basically, you'd be so spoiled, you wouldn't be happy.
03:46Not really.
03:47And what about all the bowing and the scraping, eh?
03:49That's a mixed blessing.
03:51How can I put it?
03:54Some people dream of monarchy.
03:56The very thought of royalty just fills their hearts with joy and glee.
04:01They like to be a king.
04:03Oh yes, we yearn to wear a crown.
04:05Some silken pants and an erming gown.
04:07All being common gets us down.
04:09We'd love to be a king.
04:11But do you think from misery you'd really be escaping?
04:16The bowing would be very nice.
04:20But what about the scraping?
04:22You've got to admit though, haven't you?
04:23Kings, they haven't exactly got a brilliant track record.
04:24You've got to admit though, haven't you?
04:25Kings, they haven't exactly got a brilliant track record.
04:27Henry VIII, for example, destroyer of monasteries.
04:29Big man, but he was out of shape.
04:30You've got to admit though, haven't you?
04:31Kings, they haven't exactly got a brilliant track record.
04:36Henry VIII, for example, destroyer of monasteries.
04:42Big man, but he was out of shape.
04:43Hardly a candidate for spousal partner of the millennium, was he?
04:45Thanks, Alison.
04:46Prinous!
04:47���
04:49ARGH!
04:51C 빨리 in возьми!
04:52Tim!
04:53All being waited, so what makes you say?
04:54I겁 not.
04:55Stop putting the situation.
04:56Four of the signatures…
04:58If you don't talk.
04:59And if you lose, you go to four of the fortresses…
05:01… four of the ranks.
05:03Can I please?
05:04You're not tired, mate?
05:05I don't know what have you, but I can only drink…
05:07You got aig but he is being able to eat, because you do therefore…
05:08Hannah's age.
05:09You weren't your teacher?
05:10You're not being careful if you look?
05:11You're not being aware?
05:12It's not being able to fight, but at least you do not collaborations.
05:15I'm going to execute two of you, divulge you another two,
05:18one of you can die of natural causes and the other one can survive my death.
05:21I'm not bothered what happens to her.
05:23Who saw it that much yourselves? Ta-ra!
05:30Even some of the lesser-known crowned heads
05:32made a far-from-positive impact on British history.
05:35Thanks very much, Alison.
05:37Take King Leonard.
05:39In a reign lasting only five days, he managed to ban crackling,
05:42upset his tailor and have the population of Wales put to death
05:45by the population of Scotland.
05:48On the plus side, he did legalise speed dating,
05:51but generally, kings, they can take their crowns
05:55and shove them right up there.
06:01The Perspective Twins.
06:05Near!
06:06Four!
06:07Near!
06:08Four!
06:09Near!
06:14Equidistant!
06:15Equidistant!
06:16Equidistant!
06:17Equidistant!
06:18Equidistant!
06:24Four!
06:25Near!
06:26Four!
06:27Near!
06:30The Perspective Twins.
06:34Oh, there's a really great bit coming up near the end of the show.
06:37Let's have a quick look.
06:42Nope, not that bit.
06:44Hang on.
06:45Nope, not that bit.
06:53Not that bit.
06:56Not that bit.
06:58Oh, there you go.
07:01Look-a-doon.
07:02Look-a-doon.
07:03Look-a-doon.
07:06Look-a-doon.
07:07Look-a-doon.
07:09Look-a-doon.
07:12I'm really looking forward to that bit.
07:14Now then, my name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
07:24I am a fictional man from the north of England.
07:26A fantastical construct of some southern bastard's diseased mind.
07:30Anyway, through the day, I went down the griddle wallop arms
07:32having a lovely pint of sodden tussock with Harry Peasbury.
07:35You know Harry Peasbury, the one with the face, the one that walks along,
07:37the one that sits down, the one that eats food, the one that murdered Colonel Gaddafi.
07:40When suddenly, I noticed that all me adverbs that I was using in conversation
07:45were physically manifesting themselves as trapeziums.
07:47Is it trapeziums or trapezia? I don't care.
07:51I was that embarrassed, I didn't know where to hide my face.
07:53I tried the Breville toaster, but they found it in three minutes.
07:56Flat. Thank you.
07:57Oh, Derek, the landlord, he was killing himself laughing.
08:00He said, I'm so stunned lately. He said, I can see you're embarrassed.
08:02He said, it's just that Tony Pitts were in here last Wednesday
08:05and all his adjectives were going around nicking people's pork scratches.
08:08He said, whatever next? Arthur Bigstone's indefinite articles
08:11opening the nail shop on the I Street.
08:13And I had to laugh. I had to...
08:15I had to... I had to... I had to...
08:17Kill me. I had to...
08:19I had to... I had to...
08:20I had to... I had to...
08:21I had to... I had to...
08:23I had to...
08:25I'm on this special diet at the moment.
08:36All I'm allowed to eat of an evening is one loaf of bread
08:38and one measly leg of lamb.
08:42Pathetic.
08:43Ah, well.
08:43And you join us here live for the finals of the outraged 70s sitcom vicar playoff.
08:53On the left here, Colin Snodgrass at 42, comparatively young 70s sitcom vicar
08:58and fast, gaining the reputation of being thoroughly outraged
09:01at the slightest lapse in moral propriety.
09:04On the right, Desmond Winkleberry, 64 years old,
09:08yet showing no signs of gaining any tolerance at all
09:10or anything outside the narrow confines of accepted 19th century Christian convention.
09:16And now, pulling the first tea of the competition,
09:18here's tonight's official Mrs. Valerie Vainbridge of Weybridge,
09:23a veteran of many occasions such as these.
09:26And as she takes her place at the curtains,
09:28final prayers have been said.
09:30And there goes the bell.
09:34And the first cups of the evening are raised to the lips.
09:39The sip is taken.
09:43Very tense.
09:47Oh, that's quite a challenging way of this, Albert.
09:50That's really rattled them.
09:52The word bum there.
09:53Vulgar term for the buttocks or glutinous maximus.
09:56Let's have a look at the replay.
09:59And as to who had the edge, it's hard to call.
10:02Let's see how they've scored on the indignometer.
10:04And, uh, that's a dead heat.
10:06Both men of the cloth scandalised.
10:08And that's three points apiece.
10:11Well, what an exciting start.
10:12Both men fairly evenly matched,
10:14although Winkleberry, a finalist for two years running,
10:16a favourite by an edge.
10:18And there's the bell.
10:19And let's see what is next behind the curtain.
10:25They take their sips.
10:28And here we go.
10:29And I must say, at first glance,
10:35there doesn't seem to be anything here to cause consternation.
10:39Oh, wait a minute, though.
10:41Yes, they've seen it.
10:42There it is.
10:43Look, there are no wedding rings on this young couple's fingers,
10:45and that means their child was born out of wedding.
10:48And I must say, that really has rattled their vicarial cages.
10:52There's the institution of marriage so important to these guys.
10:56Here's the replay, look, and...
10:58Yes, Snodgrass just registering his disapproval
11:01of the Master Dishuvan Unblessed Union
11:03a split second before his opponent,
11:05and here's the indignometer.
11:08And both at outweighed,
11:09but that very slightly earlier demonstration
11:11of disapprobation from Snodgrass,
11:14just edging the younger parish leader ahead by half a point.
11:17Angleberry seven, Snodgrass seven and a half.
11:19So, thrills and spills
11:22in tonight's electrifying standoff
11:24between these two dog-collar titans.
11:26Join us for the decisive final round after the break.
11:29Whoa!
11:32Bucket of Water Warehouse!
11:33We've got bucket of water stacked to the rafters!
11:35Thousands of bucket of waters!
11:37Like this bucket of water, only $1.99!
11:40And this bucket of water, only $3.99!
11:43And things end in line!
11:44Bucket of water's only $10.99 for four!
11:46While stocks last, but hurry!
11:48Everything must go!
11:49Acuting Bucket of Water Warehouse!
11:51Which is out of hell and has wheels on each corner!
11:54Bucket of Water Warehouse!
11:55If it's bucket of water's you're after,
11:57we're your warehouse!
11:58Whoa!
11:58And a warm welcome back to the outraged 70s sitcom vicar's playoff final.
12:06Well, this is edge of the pew stuff, all right.
12:09And right now, I wouldn't like to lay a bed either way.
12:12And if I did, I'd do it very surreptitiously.
12:14Both these chaps, very down on gambling.
12:16There's the bell in this exciting finals of the outraged 70s sitcom vicar playoff.
12:20And the last sip.
12:26And, well, this is quite unusual.
12:29Can't see anything morally untoward here at all.
12:32Quite the opposite, in fact.
12:34Oh, goodness gracious me!
12:37Well, we weren't expecting that!
12:39And this has sent the two 70s vicar's into outrage overdrive.
12:44Oh, look at this!
12:46Have you ever seen tea spat in such a forceful manner?
12:52And they really don't know what to do with themselves.
12:55And Snodgrass, particularly, seems to...
12:59Oh, my goodness!
13:00He's stood up and his trousers have fallen down!
13:03I don't believe him!
13:05Snodgrass, his trousers have fallen down!
13:07And look at this!
13:08Look at this!
13:09Oh, somebody pinch me!
13:10And Snodgrass is looking faint here!
13:13And he's fainted!
13:14Straight into our Victoria sponge!
13:17Goodness gracious!
13:19Let's have a look at the replay!
13:21And look at the pressure!
13:22The sheer force behind both of those tea spurts!
13:25But look here!
13:25You can see Snodgrass!
13:27He's finished his tea spurts!
13:29He's up!
13:29And then down come the trousers!
13:31And have you ever seen anybody look so appalled?
13:35Just when you think that's enough!
13:37This happens straight into a fresh Victoria sponge!
13:41Winkleberry knows the game is over for him!
13:44And so now a final look at the Indignometer!
13:48And goodness me!
13:50Winkleberry has top marks!
13:52But Snodgrass is off the scale!
13:54And so the winner of this year's 1970 sitcom video playoff!
13:59Colin Snodgrass!
14:00Oh, well, that hardly touched the sides.
14:05Yeah, it says in this book that it's better to get shot by a firing squad at dawn than dusk.
14:11But is that just an old wives' tale?
14:13Well, George here was shot by a firing squad at dawn, and Richard here was shot by a firing squad at dusk.
14:23Doesn't seem to make much difference, does it?
14:25What do you say to that, old wives?
14:27Bollocks!
14:28Thanks, old wives.
14:30Thanks, guys.
14:31Ladies and gentlemen, your respect, please, for Mr. Crab Marley.
14:39Discrustaceous!
14:41Acrostaceous!
14:42With specification!
14:44I am a crab in the tank!
14:48I am a crab in the tank!
14:51I'm not a crab in the rank!
14:53No way!
14:54I am a crab in the tank!
14:57Wah, a dum-dum squintly!
14:58I am a crab in the tank!
15:00I want me dressed!
15:02I am a crab in the tank!
15:04RIP!
15:05Another kebab in the back!
15:07AOOOOOWWW!
15:08I am a crab in the tank!
15:10T-t-t-t-t-t-t!
15:11And my mind is sweet, cause I smoke a little seaweed!
15:15WA WA WA WA WA WA WA!
15:23Colt?
15:23Cold, warm, walnut, hot, boiling, boiling, cold, warm,
15:53cold.
15:56You got any rubbish? No.
15:58Oh, you can have this then. Oh, thanks, Bob.
16:01So how are you? Oh, very well, thanks, Kevin. I'm glad to hear you.
16:05Well, I'll say very well. You wouldn't know it, I've actually got ingrowing legs.
16:09Ingrowing legs? Ingrowing legs.
16:11The problem started while I was working as a buffet guard.
16:16On a train? No.
16:19Oh.
16:20I guarded buffets. Oh, right. Three years' training.
16:26Not everyone makes it through, but I stuck with it.
16:29I dealt with it all in my time.
16:32Everything from the threat of contamination of trifles by pickled onions...
16:36Ooh.
16:38...to simple plate overloading.
16:41You'd be amazed what some people would try and get away with.
16:44So were you good at it then?
16:46Oh, it was a natural. Buffet Bob, they called me.
16:49Oh, why do they call you that?
16:50It would take too long to explain. It's a bit of an in-joke.
16:54Anyway, I couldn't do it forever. Dealing with bridesmaids who'd taken all the crudities.
17:00Well, it's a young man's game.
17:02There's more to you than meets the eye, isn't there, Bob?
17:05Oh, yes, Kevin. I am a mysterious man with hidden depths.
17:12What? A bit of crack on. Your toilet's blocked again.
17:17Oh, that's blocked again.
17:18Oh, my God.
17:48The Perspective Twins.
17:54Big.
17:55Small.
17:56Big.
17:57Small.
18:00Same.
18:02Same.
18:03Same.
18:04Same.
18:07Small.
18:09Big.
18:10Small.
18:11Big.
18:13The Perspective Twins.
18:18The Perspective Twins.
18:24Let's meet somebody who's written a book about musical.
18:27And it's a young man by the name of Mark Woods.
18:29Hello, Mark.
18:30How old are you?
18:31I'm 37.
18:3237.
18:33Wow.
18:34And you've got a family connection to musical, haven't you?
18:36Yes, I do.
18:38My great-grandfather, Al Woods, was one half of the comedy duo Whitstable Al and Adaptable
18:44Hal.
18:44Do you want some juice?
18:47No.
18:48Okay.
18:49And now we've got a fantastic clip of your great-grandfather and his comedy partner from
18:531929, haven't we?
18:55Yes, we do.
18:55Shall we have a look?
18:56Okay.
18:56Do you want another cushion so you're sitting a bit higher?
19:01I'm fine.
19:02Okay.
19:08Wait a minute, Al.
19:09What's that, Al?
19:10You don't have a leg where me arm should be, but an arm where me leg should be.
19:19Tell you what, how about...
19:21I'll take this off of here, and take this off here, and put this on here, and put this
19:44on here.
19:45Well, what do you reckon to that?
19:53Sam, I really do.
19:55You really do what, Al?
19:57I really do, Phil.
19:58You really do feel what, Al?
20:00I really do feel like me old self-advent.
20:04Whitstable, Al, and adaptable, howl there.
20:19Now, you mention lots of different acts in your book, don't you?
20:21Yeah.
20:22Don't say yeah.
20:23It's yes.
20:28Yes.
20:29There were some wonderfully original performers out there.
20:36There was Hobson and Pugh.
20:38Now we've got a clip of them.
20:40They would shoot each other in the stomach with rifles.
20:44Are you warm enough?
20:46Yeah.
20:46Yes.
20:47Yes.
20:48Really.
20:49There was Brawny Betty.
20:51She could pick herself up by her own hair.
20:55Amazing.
20:55Just a few of the characters featured in this, The Golden Years of Music Hall by Mark Woods.
21:02Available in what bookshops there are still left.
21:05Well done, Mark.
21:07You all right?
21:10Where's my mother?
21:11Well, it's all right.
21:12She's just over there.
21:15Mrs. Woods, could you...
21:19Is he all right?
21:23I think he's just tired.
21:25No.
21:35Hi.
21:37My name is Paul Hamilton, and I am a poet.
21:41Poetry on TV.
21:43It's like a bishop on crack.
21:47Do you drive a car?
21:49You do.
21:50Well, shame on you.
21:51Roadside, roadside genocide, roadside genocide, is the title of this week's poem.
21:59Hey, what's black and white and red all over?
22:02A magpie that's been hit by a rover, and that's not funny, it's a bird all runny.
22:06And what about the others, all now gone?
22:08The list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
22:13A rook with both its eyes washed out, an owl with entrails strewn about, what once was a mouse is now a stain.
22:18And who wants that?
22:19It's a puppy dog's brain.
22:21A rabbit in the habit of being alive, yeah, till it got hit by a Mazda 5 and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
22:27But wait, what's that up in the road ahead?
22:31A car crash and the driver's dead.
22:34And by the road stands an orphaned vole, and he laughs and he shouts from the depths of his soul.
22:39Death to the driver, death to the car.
22:42Roadside, roadside genocide, roadside genocide.
22:45Drive carefully.
22:49Yeah!
23:57Ah, there you go. Another show's just flown by. Let's see what's coming up next week.
24:03I'll be demonstrating that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
24:08No, buy. No, sell. Sell. Sell. No. Yes, sell. Sell.
24:14It's the semi-finals of the Zulu Darts Championships.
24:21And I'll be asking International Peace Envoy Tony Blair some probing questions.
24:28Care for some pop.
24:58Here we go.
24:59Jump!
25:03Jump!
25:05Jump!
25:09I killed the other guys with me own bare hands and I made sure she could see.
25:14Then I ate their brains and now she knows I'm superior genetically.
25:19Now I'm jumping up and down. Jump! Jumping up and down. Jump! Jump, jump, jump.
25:27Yes, I'm jump, jump, jump. Jumping up and down. Jump!
25:34What?
25:41Jump!
25:44Jump!
26:05You
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