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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe A Programme, all about things that are happening.
00:26Things like this.
00:28Justin Bieber has been arrested. His lawyer advised him to remain silent, not for any legal reason, just to make him shut the f*** up.
00:36Astonishing scenes in Ukraine as 14th century combat explodes in the present day.
00:41It's good news for anyone who can't wait till season four of Game of Thrones.
00:45As Sky's coverage expertly detailed, some protesters protected themselves from riot cops by disguising themselves as a shed.
00:52Sensational scenes as Channel 4 delights the nation with thrilling snow sporting spectacular The Jump.
00:58Awkwardly, Amy Childs refused to jump, meaning the programme should really have just been called Thee.
01:04That's the sort of thing that's been going on. But we start with Mr Justin Bieber.
01:09And if you think the world is a confusing place for us, what the hell's it like for him?
01:14For several years, Justin Bieber was afforded blanket media exposure, bibbling around in saccharine footage.
01:20Just another nauseating, butter-wouldn't-melt pop weasel hammered into the global consciousness like a nail of frozen piss through a cabbage.
01:27Delighting screaming teenage girls and, as this wonderful photo shows, dismaying their dads.
01:33But then things started to go wrong for Pop's Prince Joffrey.
01:36For one thing, he grew up and is now 36 years old and looks like Jim Carrey playing Vanilla Ice.
01:41Following a series of bizarre incidents, he was scarcely off the gossip pages.
01:46He had this heartening confrontation with a provocatively foul-mouthed paparazzi Phil Mitchell impersonator.
01:51What'd you say?
01:52I wasn't.
01:53What'd you say?
01:54Fucking little c***.
01:55Hmm, last time I saw scum getting under the skin of a prick like that, I was watching embarrassing bodies.
02:00More recently, in a bid to provide mankind with a single grim visual metaphor that encompasses everything,
02:05he was filmed pissing into a mop bucket, and also pelting a neighbour's house with eggs,
02:10in scenes which amused news networks and our own Doug Stanhope, who called him a pussy on last week's episode of this show.
02:16These fucking sissies, they drink a Red Bull for some pep and some spirit.
02:21But that seems so long ago.
02:23Fox News alert. Just coming out of Miami Beach, Justin Bieber has been arrested.
02:28Yeah! He's ruining his life!
02:30Yes, to the obvious delight of every news channel on Earth, Justin Bieber had allegedly been drag racing a buddy in an unassuming yellow Lamborghini when he was pulled over by Miami cops.
02:40I hope when the police cars chased him they went, Bieber, Bieber!
02:45Immediately the media went batshit.
02:47Calcutics, marijuana and alcohol.
02:50Bieber's arrest aftermath. His smiling mugshot after allegedly cursing at cops.
02:55Yes, posing for the world's cheeriest mugshot didn't do him any favours either, because he didn't look penitent enough for society's liking.
03:01Look at that hair! I mean, really!
03:03Seriously, look how happy he is. That could be the front cover of a cereal packet or a jar of peanut butter.
03:08By the next day, the Bieber news had become so all-important, MSNBC felt it trumped a conversation with a congresswoman about the NSA spying scandal.
03:16We should, uh, seriously consider, uh, not, uh, not continuing Section 215 and getting the...
03:23Congresswoman Harmon, let me interrupt you. Congresswoman, let me interrupt you just for a moment.
03:26We've got some breaking news out of Miami. Stand by, if you will.
03:30Right now, in Miami, Justin Bieber has been arrested on a number of charges.
03:34Yes, helpfully providing the second iconic image of 24 hours, a less chirpy-looking Bieber showed up in a bizarre split-screen live video feed from the courtroom wearing Guantanamo fancy dress.
03:45So the total bond would be, uh, $2,500?
03:49$2,500? Jesus, he's gonna have to work for three or four whole picoseconds to earn that.
03:55The charges are fairly serious, so he could be looking at six months in jail.
03:58So who's to blame for his transformation from irritant to slightly different kind of irritant?
04:03Some say the problem is his ever-present entourage.
04:05They claim Bieber's surrounded by unsavoury characters determined to get into his inner circle,
04:10an experience that should prepare him nicely for life in prison.
04:13The one thing everyone can agree on is that young Bieber needs a firm role model,
04:17so what sort of example were the adults of the media setting?
04:20Well, as the voracious coverage showed, as he walked free, they were jostling for position,
04:23clambering over police cars for a better shot, until the cops yelled at them.
04:26Hey! Get off the friggin' car!
04:29While back in the studio, assorted jumped-up pundits fought like rats in a bag.
04:34He's 19 years old. I'm sorry. He's not even went to school. He's old school.
04:40What are you talking about?
04:42Please.
04:43Or took the time to admonish him like disapproving surrogate parents.
04:46He was spewing the F-bomb at police.
04:50They even turned his health status into a clickbait voting game.
04:53Do you think Justin Bieber should go to rehab?
04:56Or at least have an intervention. Go to our Twitter page and weigh in right now.
05:00The concern spread to this side of the Atlantic as Daybreak's resident showbiz barnacle, Ross King,
05:05a close friend of Justin's, wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, even when they weren't relevant.
05:10You have to question where the parents are in this whole situation.
05:13But also bear in mind that Justin's mom was just 17 when she gave birth to Justin.
05:18So, questions have to be asked.
05:19Yeah, the main question I want to ask is what sort of weird hair colour is that, Ross?
05:23What the f*** have you been doing? Dying it with Nescafe?
05:26But the prize for most outraged pundit goes to this Brazilian anchor,
05:29who vividly demonstrated his disdain by improving Bieber's latest CD with his foot.
05:34Do you want to know? I'll never wait for the commercial interval.
05:36It's right now. It's right now.
05:39Here, for this CD, Justin Bieber.
05:42Obviously, it's hard to feel sympathetic for a multi-millionaire pop star,
05:45but imagine having Justin Bieber's life.
05:47You're followed everywhere you go by intrusive news cameras,
05:50pornographically detailing your every encounter with scumbag paparazzi
05:53and f***ing little c***
05:55and whining teenagers shrieking your name.
05:57And you have to keep those fickle teenagers happy by jigging about in ghastly pop videos,
06:01belting out this god-awful s*** you probably grew out of a few years ago.
06:05Everyone who isn't a teenage girl hates you like you're a Nazi made out of spiders.
06:09And every time you look in the mirror, Justin Bieber's staring back at you.
06:12He sleeps with you. He eats with you.
06:14You have to hear his thoughts. You even have to jerk him off.
06:17And on top of that, whenever you turn on the TV,
06:19there's a bunch of sanctimonious parasites on there
06:22getting paid to b*** about what an arrogant, impulsive twat you are.
06:26This is a case of too much money, too much stardom,
06:29not enough rules and regulations.
06:32He needs a time-out, if not a spanking.
06:34A time-out and a spanking!
06:37If that was my life, I'd inject heroin into my eyes,
06:40set the Lamborghini on fire
06:41and deliberately drive it at 200 miles an hour
06:44into the first f***ing wall I saw.
06:46But Justin Bieber didn't do that,
06:48which means, despite everything, he's still a pussy.
06:51People don't pay attention to politics anymore
06:54because it's not as interesting as, like, celebrity ski-jumping or whatever.
06:58So it's hard for the parties to get publicity.
07:01But there was this Lib Dem party who was so good at publicity
07:05they could turn anything into a huge news story
07:08and make sure the leader was all over the telly for days
07:11looking really commanding and in charge and that.
07:14A challenge to Nick Clegg's authority
07:16as he faces a growing row of the Liberal Democrat peer
07:20accused of sexual harassment.
07:22They had this Renard man,
07:24who looked a bit like Harold Bishop off Neighbours,
07:26who stood around in photos dressed as Father Christmas
07:29and he was accused of doing all these inappropriate things
07:32which he denied.
07:33Everyone wanted him to say sorry, but he reckoned he didn't have to.
07:37So instead he expressed regret, which isn't quite the same,
07:41and it caused this stupid stalemate.
07:44Like, if he didn't want to say a full sorry,
07:47he could have said soz, which is sort of half sorry.
07:50That would have stopped the whole thing dead.
07:52There was an inquiry, right,
07:54which said that he probably hadn't done anything wrong
07:56and also that he probably had done something wrong.
07:59So now they're having another inquiry.
08:02I mean, it's good because it keeps it going.
08:04So, you know, we're all talking and thinking about it all the time,
08:07which is great publicity for them.
08:09I mean, I'd never even heard of the literal Democrats before,
08:12but now they've got all this coverage,
08:14like, loads and loads of coverage.
08:16He's really put them in the public eye.
08:18Like, they probably did quite well if there was an election.
08:21The Yellow Party used to be thought of
08:23as all hippie sort of do-good of people who eat whole wheat cereal
08:27and care about Syria and things, which was boring,
08:30but now they're sort of more dangerous.
08:33Like now, when you see the logo,
08:35you immediately think about bad sex stuff,
08:38which is loads more interesting.
08:40So they really stick in your head.
08:42Nick Legg must be really pleased about that.
08:45And just when you thought it was as creepy as it could get,
08:49they found another one who was accused of things he denied.
08:52Only this one looked a bit like all the Doctor Whos mixed together,
08:56all sort of scruffy.
08:58And Nick Legg seized that opportunity too
09:00and made sure that it was kept in the news as well.
09:02Revealed the emails and letters which pile more pressure on Nick Legg
09:06over the Lib Dem sex scandals.
09:08The coverage was really in-depth.
09:11Basically, the Lib Dems must be really pleased Nick Legg is their leader
09:15because everybody's talking about them now.
09:18And not just talking, but pointing and sort of whispering.
09:23Now, the battle of the sexes, that can be unpleasant, can't it?
09:27As anyone who's witnessed ITV's cheerfully gruesome Take Me Out will attest.
09:31Let the tool see the box.
09:34Don't worry if you couldn't bear a whole episode of Take Me Out,
09:36because Mr Jake Yap has distilled its essence,
09:39helpfully, into 94 mere seconds,
09:42which we'll share with you now.
09:44Start the clock.
09:48Hello, and welcome to Take Me Out.
09:50I'm Paddy McGuinness, and I like to substitute
09:53meaningless catchphrases for humour.
09:55Let the thing like a penis see the thing like a vagina.
09:58I'll be back in a female eunuch.
10:00No likey, no lighty.
10:02It all sounds like a bit of harmless fun,
10:04like the broken English of a Thai prostitute.
10:06Bring on the girls!
10:08There's 30 of them, but don't worry, they're pretty much interchangeable.
10:11It's the fella we need to get to know, cos he's fascinating.
10:14Let the Emmeline Panker see the underside of the grave.
10:17Time to point aggressively at the camera
10:19like I've got a point to make and say,
10:21Single man, reveal yourself!
10:23What do you do for a living, fella?
10:25I'm a policeman, Paddy.
10:26Wahey! Truncheon!
10:27What about you?
10:28I'm a mechanic, Paddy.
10:29Wahey! Spanner!
10:31What about you?
10:32I'm a specialist renal pharmacist.
10:34Oh, by myself!
10:37Roniella, you've left your lights off.
10:39Do you fancy him or you're so conditioned into desperation
10:41that you'll pair off with any man, whatever the cost of your dignity?
10:44Um, yeah, what?
10:46And do you agree that this show sends out the message
10:48that both genders should conform to a type
10:50and that anyone outside those parameters is a deserving outcast?
10:53Um, yeah, brilliant.
10:55Now, girls, as a sop to equality, you can turn your light on and off,
10:58but fair do's will give the final choice to the man.
11:01And if you get picked, you'll be off to the Isle of...
11:03Fernando's!
11:04To eat Nando's!
11:06And, if you're lucky, spend the night with some aftershave, drenched,
11:09sweating warthog pouring at your buttocks.
11:11See you next time for more chauvinist showbiz,
11:13flogging culturally toxic, condescending junk food TV
11:16in a cynical, that's good enough for them way.
11:18Oh, look! They're shagging on the bar!
11:21Booze! And as pungent news reports reveal,
11:31Britain's first motorway-based pub opens,
11:33proving once and for all we don't live in a nanny state
11:36or indeed a state that wants to protect us at all.
11:38It's the only pub in Britain where every pint comes with a police car chaser.
11:42From 9am till 1 in the morning, it will provide relaxation,
11:45pleasure and a bit of welcome lubrication
11:47for a constant stream of drivers and long-distance truckers
11:50at the Beaconsfield service station just like your mum does.
11:53Putting a pub on a motorway might sound irresponsible,
11:55but as the news helpfully pointed out, they've taken precautions.
11:58Unlike other pubs, it won't offer any promotional deals on alcoholic drinks.
12:03There are also a number of signs warning about the dangers of drink driving.
12:08Oh, it's got signs! Well, signs are effective.
12:10No driver's ever ignored a sign,
12:12which is why there's been no speeding conviction since signs were invented.
12:15The move sparked outrage because no-one's ever seen a pub on a road before.
12:19Think about it. You never have.
12:20Most pubs are in the middle of a field,
12:22or at the bottom of the sea, or up a stick.
12:24As the news skilfully demonstrated,
12:26many of the customers seemed pretty relaxed about it, like you do in a pub.
12:29You don't mind having a pint and driving on the motorway?
12:32No, a pint is no problem as far as I'm concerned.
12:35I think it's well documented that you can certainly have a pint without any trouble at all.
12:42Oh, really? Oh, well, in that case, pint of scotch, please.
12:45But other customers sounded less than delighted.
12:47The pub on one of the main veins of the motorway systems in Great Britain is just wrong, I'm afraid.
12:53Oh, he's going to be furious when he turns round and finds out he's in it.
12:56The pub's been opened by Witherspoons, and inquisitive reporters grilled one of their spokesmen.
13:01Surely people that is going to increase the risk of people drinking and driving?
13:05Well, we don't believe that's the case.
13:07Of course, not everyone who goes there will be drinking and driving.
13:10Some will be drinking and crashing.
13:11If they have a pint, that's no different to them having a pint and going to a local pub and then driving home elsewhere.
13:19Yeah, at 70 miles an hour.
13:21He also got a biblical bollocking from Eamon Holmes.
13:24You, in fact, are the devil in disguise.
13:26Well, you are, you are.
13:27You are offering temptation to everybody.
13:30You are offering a scenario of hell, basically, are you not?
13:34To be fair, that does describe all branches of Wetherspoons.
13:37We don't believe in any way we are encouraging people to drink far from it.
13:40Far from it.
13:41You've opened a pub for f***ing sake.
13:42You couldn't get further from far from it if you drove the length of that motorway.
13:46Drunk.
13:47There are some obvious pluses and minuses to a pub on the motorway.
13:50On the downside, a driver might go in there, drink too much, then cross the central reservation
13:54and collide head-on with a coachload of children and old folk.
13:57But on the upside, it's got a jukebox.
13:59So, you know.
14:01And as informative news reports reveal, two Twitter trolls who sort of don't look real
14:11are jailed for sending abusive and threatening tweets, raising concerns as to whether this
14:15is really fair.
14:16After all, you're talking about people trapped in the fantasy world of the internet.
14:20They can't deal with the outside world.
14:22Look, one of them isn't even sure how doors work.
14:24In the end, they received short sentences, as does everyone on Twitter.
14:28The debate intensified as football star turned pundit Stan Collymore accused Twitter of doing
14:33nothing to halt the foul abuse he'd suffered after accusing a Liverpool player of diving.
14:38He was especially shocked because having spent much of his life in football stadiums,
14:41he's never heard language like that before.
14:43But soon he walked headlong into an abuse row of his own as his ex, Ulrika Johnson,
14:48said his protestations were undeserved and accused him of beating her up in a bar several years ago.
14:53Collymore responded by saying he'd only hit her with an open hand,
14:56as though that's the gentleman's method of woman beating.
14:59Still, at least he didn't blame her for not implementing a more efficient blocking policy.
15:08Snow!
15:09And with the Winter Olympics just around the corner, Channel 4 unleashed the most thrilling support act imaginable.
15:14The Jump!
15:15It's gripping proof that after Splash, the relationship between celebrities and gravity has turned cold.
15:20It's a bit like watching someone's skiing holiday slideshow,
15:23but without the bonus of being able to politely ask them to stop.
15:26The show features a phalanx of frigid celebrities, namely Lion-O, Paul McKenna,
15:31Girl Band Unit 6-8G, Canoe Man, 80s hitmaker Sunita Sycaram,
15:36Fred off Scooby Doo, Jaws from Moonraker, Pete Burns,
15:39the woman who's usually on Don't Tell the Bride when I flick past it,
15:42and her.
15:43Most of the time they're not jumping but doing other winter sports,
15:46like sliding on sticks, sliding side to side on sticks, and sliding on tummies.
15:51Basically, it's all on the slide.
15:53It's pretty much a poor man's splash, a statement that shouldn't even be possible.
15:57It's like discovering you can divide by zero.
15:59Most shows like this have a panel of judges to keep things interesting with some bitchy feedback,
16:03but the jump just has them doing things against the clock,
16:06making Time the only judge.
16:08And Time doesn't do sassy put-downs,
16:10apart from every day when you look in the mirror and it spits in your face.
16:13The jump of the title is a ski jump, tantalisingly imposed on whoever performs worst in each daily category,
16:19thereby guaranteeing danger.
16:21But to helpfully counteract potential excitement and entertainment,
16:24the jumps aren't quite as big as they look.
16:279.5 metres!
16:30But even this small jump was too much for Amy Childs,
16:32who merely squatted inertly at the top of the slope,
16:34looking like someone suffering a bout of constipation in a reality show
16:37where stars have to sit up a hill and shit in a bucket.
16:40She said she couldn't do it, and I have a nasty feeling she's saying again,
16:45Oh no, I can't go.
16:47Amy's refusal meant that if Sunita was prepared to go down,
16:51she'd be on national TV the following night,
16:54a proposal that's never been put to her before.
16:56Channel 4 has broadcast more death-defying spectacle than the jump,
16:59such as the frankly terrifying Don't Look Down,
17:01which detailed the exploits of unhinged free urban climbers.
17:06But the prize for truly nail-biting televised risk
17:08has to go to America's Discovery Channel
17:10and its edge-of-the-seat live broadcast of Nick Wallenda crossing the Grand Canyon on a tightrope.
17:16But is it fair that such physical daredevilry is celebrated?
17:20Well, no, in the personal view of U.S. comedian and shambles Doug Stanhope,
17:24who'll explain why now.
17:32I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
17:38It seems like the old-timey stunt shows of years gone by
17:41have been reinvigorated and are making a comeback,
17:44where you got Nick Wallenda tiptoeing across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope.
17:50And he did it well, almost too well,
17:52to the point where it didn't even seem dangerous at all,
17:55which kind of sucked all the gas out of it.
17:57If there's little or no entertainment value other than just hoping that you die,
18:02I might as well watch you walk down the highway and pray you get hit by a car.
18:06And speaking of praying, oh my God, did you do a lot of praying out there,
18:10which the cameras caught every ten feet.
18:12You stop and pray to Jesus.
18:14Thank God you were miked up.
18:16Oh, I praise you, Jesus.
18:18Calm those winds in the name of Jesus.
18:20Praise you, Jesus.
18:22Yes, Jesus.
18:24Yes, Jesus.
18:26While you were doing all that praying, remember,
18:28there were a million of us praying that you would fall,
18:31spread eagle on your balls on the wire, spin upside down,
18:35and cascade into the Colorado River where you would be nothing but catfish food.
18:40But why is it your daredevil stunts get you all sorts of applause and accolades?
18:46Why do the same rules not apply to me?
18:48I take unnecessary risks with my own life all the time,
18:51usually with my brain and chemicals.
18:54I'm out doing Mocaine in the desert.
18:57Mocaine is when you grind up your mushrooms in a coffee grinder
19:01and then chop them up with your cocaine.
19:03And I wouldn't suggest that kids try that at home either.
19:07It's the worst mistake you'll ever make.
19:10How is that any different than some asshole extreme sports douchebag
19:15that says, oh, hey, Mount Hood has got a big, uh, dangerous snowstorm coming in,
19:20so please don't go up there and you race up there on purpose.
19:23And you get buried in an avalanche.
19:26And, oh, God, the National Guard's out looking for you.
19:29And everyone clears out of the bar and they're sticking pool cues
19:32in the snow banks hoping to hit hot meat to save you.
19:36I spin out in the middle of Death Valley on Mocaine.
19:40Ah!
19:41No one's coming to rescue me!
19:43Am I heralded?
19:44No.
19:45I'm looked at as a bad example for other people to learn from.
19:49Don't do that.
19:50Because you're an extreme guy and your adventure and daredevil antics,
19:55they give you rock-hard abs.
19:57And what do I get on my adventure out on hallucinogens in the desert?
20:01Nothing but maybe some deeper insight and some empathy for the human condition.
20:07And what's that worth, really? Not shit.
20:11Trouble now, and I don't know if you've noticed, but Ukraine has descended
20:14into lo-fi violence, currently resembling an apocalyptic sci-fi thriller
20:18made for a budget TV station.
20:20Given the protesters' tactic of repeatedly banging more or less anything,
20:23even vaguely bangable, sometimes the footage looked like a performance
20:26of stomp that had spiralled hopelessly out of control.
20:29Overnight they've burnt a dozen or so police buses and trucks,
20:34and through the morning the violence has continued.
20:37Never mind Ukraine, it looks like migraine over there.
20:40Every piece to camera had percussion in the background.
20:43There's bits of petrol bombs strewn all over the place.
20:46It is quite quiet here at the moment.
20:48Sorry, what?
20:49While the Ukrainian president, played by William Shatner,
20:52went on TV to appeal for calm and some f***ing quiet,
20:55protesters stopped banging stuff long enough to plunder history
20:58for combat tips, constructing medieval shields,
21:01building a wooden catapult, and inviting priests in
21:03to stroll around the battlefield.
21:05They're protesting because they want to be part of Europe,
21:07by the looks of it, Europe during the 14th century.
21:10Riot cops counteracted by re-enacting
21:12the ancient Roman centurion method of self-preservation.
21:15Basically, the whole thing's like an extreme episode of Time Team.
21:18The relentless banging is already getting results
21:20as the PM and government have resigned.
21:23But amidst the violence, a moment of joy
21:25as a couple got married on the barricades.
21:27The proud groom explained they'd tied the knot
21:29against this apocalyptic tableau to show support,
21:31out of patriotism.
21:33We love our country and we love each other.
21:37And with that, the happy couple wandered off
21:39to do the same thing as everyone else in Kiev,
21:41i.e. more banging.
21:43Did you know it's 30 years since Apple unveiled the Macintosh computer
21:47with a famous cinematic commercial depicting a nightmare future
21:49in which a mute population gawps hypnotised at giant screens?
21:53Well, thanks in part to Apple, that chilling vision of the future
21:56never arrived and now their adverts depict a nightmare present
21:59in which a mute population gawps hypnotised at little screens.
22:02That's progress. Computers have altered everything,
22:05but how and why and how again?
22:07Well, don't try answering those questions yourself.
22:09No, because Philomena Kunk is here to do that for you
22:12in this week's Moments of Wonder.
22:14Computers are all around us. In offices, computer shops,
22:34and computer repair shops. It's hard to think of anything
22:38that doesn't have a computer in it, except cows.
22:41And they've probably got computers in them now.
22:45Computers have become part of our culture.
22:48Scenes like this are commonplace.
22:52You have to ask the question,
22:54are we looking at the computers,
22:56or are the computers looking at us?
22:58Even though the answer to that question is obvious,
23:01it sounds spooky.
23:04The computer was invented by Charles Babbage in 1822,
23:09but it didn't have a screen, so no-one knew what it was doing.
23:13Conrad Zus managed to invent a proper one in Germany in 1936,
23:18but that one got bombed up by the British.
23:21And that meant we could invent it first again,
23:24thanks to a man called Alan Turing,
23:26here at Bletchley Parks in War II.
23:29Unlike today's computers, this early computer
23:34is made of transistors and pipes.
23:36And as you can see, it's absolutely huge.
23:39And the mouse has gone missing,
23:41but it must have been the size of a car.
23:44The invention of the computer was of primary benefit
23:48to one particular group of people, video game players.
23:52Until computers, they'd had to play the games using a pen and paper,
23:59or coloured bits of dough.
24:01A game of Pac-Man could take three days just to set up
24:05if the peas kept rolling off the table.
24:07The computer changed all that.
24:13There's almost nothing a person can do that a computer can't,
24:16except ride a horse.
24:18So lots of jobs have been replaced by computers.
24:22Perhaps one day, we'll have a computer queen,
24:25with the real queen just used for the bits that are on a horse.
24:29In the future, I'd be able to ask a computer about computers,
24:33but for now, I'll have to speak to a human
24:36who is an expert in computers.
24:38So, are you a computer expert?
24:41I'm Dr Sean Holden,
24:42and I'm a senior lecturer in computer science
24:45at Cambridge University.
24:46Will there ever come a time where we need two mouses
24:49to work a computer?
24:51I don't think so.
24:52I think it's more likely that there'll be a time
24:54when you don't need any mouses.
24:55Things are moving now towards touchscreens,
24:58gesture recognition, brain-computer interfaces.
25:02So, what's that?
25:03It's where you can sense, to an extent,
25:07what someone is thinking.
25:09Like Derren Brown?
25:10Not as well as that.
25:12Right.
25:13Well, not yet, anyway.
25:15Paul McKenna?
25:16You might be able to make the cursor, say,
25:19the mouse pointer go left or right.
25:20Just by thinking, go right.
25:22Yeah.
25:23That's about where the technology is.
25:24But how can it do that?
25:25How will it know?
25:26I don't understand.
25:27It's possible to get some information about what your brain is doing
25:30by things like encephalograms.
25:33Encephal-what?
25:34Encephalograms.
25:35Say it again.
25:36Encephalograms.
25:37Say it again.
25:38Encephalograms.
25:39Right.
25:40So you can get some information about what your thoughts are doing
25:42through that kind of interface,
25:44which maybe means you're sticking electrodes on your head at the moment.
25:47Yeah.
25:48But it's early days.
25:49That's amazing, isn't it?
25:51Would you get one of those?
25:53Yeah, why not?
25:54Yeah, why not?
25:55Alan Turing, the weird man who discovered computers,
26:00is now a national hero.
26:02And people queue for ages to touch the Turing shroud.
26:05There are even computers made of cloud now.
26:08What next?
26:09A computer you can eat?
26:11Or fight?
26:12Computer music?
26:14Who knows?
26:15It's enough to make you wonder.
26:19Next time on Moments of Wonder,
26:22I'll be asking where your lap goes when you stand up.
26:32Tag nuts!
26:33And in a series of patronising ads,
26:35a bog roll maker revamps its doomed bid
26:37to convince Brits to buff their balloon knocks clean
26:40with fancy damp paper.
26:42It's a moist toilet tissue, FYI.
26:44It's not FYI, it's FYA.
26:46To spread the word about the soggy bum rag,
26:48Ginger Spice drops in on lunching folk
26:50and tries to put them off their food by talking skid marks.
26:53I want you to go away and try all these,
26:54and let me know how you get on.
26:56Then one week later, she's back to see how they got on.
26:58One week?
26:59That was a big shit.
27:00Tell me all about it.
27:01I was really surprised how fresh it made me feel.
27:04Actually, I felt a lot cleaner.
27:06Sorry, I don't believe you actually used them.
27:08Come on, pop your rings out, inspection time.
27:10And they're flushable.
27:11For me, it's a game changer.
27:12A game changer?
27:13What sort of sick game involves wiping your arse?
27:16Cleaning the nation from the bottom up.
27:18Well, that'll be unhygienic by the time she gets to the mouth.
27:27Compensation!
27:28And a range of personal injury lawyers show their wares with happy scenes
27:31in which an innocent victim wins the justice lottery and can't help busting some moves.
27:35Oh, isn't it great to see him so happy after that debilitating back injury?
27:39It's almost like it never happened.
27:41Weirdly, tennis whiz Andrew Castle pops up at the end to congratulate the man in person.
27:45That's what justice feels like.
27:48Don't know what Andrew Castle's got to do with completely above board legal practices.
27:52I mean, all he really knows about is rackets.
27:54But they're not the only ones making a song and dance about cash for crutches.
27:57There's another gleeful ad with a similarly gleeful tone.
28:00Well, at least it hasn't affected your ability to irritate.
28:12Incredibly, it seems every other prick in his hometown suffered some kind of personal injury,
28:16but they seem weirdly happy about it.
28:18I can't imagine why.
28:19Two thousand pounds up front. Cool.
28:22That's nothing.
28:23I've just won four grand for the emotional distress caused by this bum wash.
28:26You know, looking at the elaborate musical numbers in these adverts,
28:29I can't help wondering if one of the dancers has ever sprained an ankle on a kerbstone
28:33or something and lobbed in a compo claim, because that'd be a real tragedy.
28:37Well, that's about all we've got time for this week.
28:40Until next time, go away.
28:49We'll see you next time.
28:50Bye.
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