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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a show about things that are happening.
00:26Things like this.
00:28Political harassment crisis, Lib Dems accused of rubbing millions up the wrong way while in office.
00:34Scotland's top cardinal steps down, Catholic Church apparently unhappy with the life of O'Brien.
00:40Already there are rumours an institution somewhere may be harbouring appropriate behaviour.
00:45And in astonishing scenes, having won the New Orleans half marathon, Mo Farah sails past naive reporter in the 10,000 metre cringe.
00:53Now haven't you run before?
00:56Sorry?
00:57Haven't you run before? This isn't your first time.
01:01That's the sort of thing that's been going on, but we start here.
01:05So-called Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius is a world-famous athlete who overcame disability to become a Paralympian and hero to millions, starring in glossy life-affirming commercials like this.
01:15His girlfriend, Reva Steenkamp, was a tall blonde socialite model and celebrity due to appear in a fluffy reality show.
01:22Now Steenkamp has been killed and Pistorius is at the centre of some of the most sensational news coverage in years.
01:28Oscar Pistorius charged with shooting dead his girlfriend at his home.
01:33The Olympic and Paralympic star will appear in court tomorrow morning. It's left South Africa and the sporting world in shock.
01:40Naturally, a murder case involving a supermodel and one of the biggest athletes in the world was irresistible to the media and it made headlines around the globe.
01:47It was a crime story that interested the entertainment media too, who treated it as an interesting dash of blood in their overall showbiz stew.
01:54Well, Pistorius hired a high-profile defence team setting the stage for a real courtroom drama. His bail hearing was postponed until Tuesday.
02:03And another case with drama stamped all over it is Kim Kardashian's divorce.
02:07As Pistorius' bail hearing began, it was clear the world's reporters could keep a close eye on him throughout, at times likening it to a sporting event.
02:15As many eyes were trained on Pistorius in the dock as upon any stadium he's ever performed in. This on a day with as much drama in court as on an Olympic track.
02:24Yeah, and more to discus than any decathlon.
02:27This was a bail hearing without the full detail of a trial, but nonetheless the trial had begun, in a sense, with all of us in the role of juror.
02:34Kelly Skort is back in session on the docket today. Accused murderer and Olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius.
02:42We were treated to video game recreations of the crime scene.
02:45He ran down the corridor and shot Reva Steenkamp, who was behind a locked toilet door.
02:51And lengthy speculation over the conflicting accounts.
02:54There are indications at least that steroids may have played a part here.
02:58He just screams and then fires through the door. It's not plausible.
03:01Mainly though, the news seemed to be there simply to look at the accused and to let us get a good look at him too.
03:07A wall of cameras to greet him in courtroom scene.
03:10The Paralympic athlete still struggling to control his emotions.
03:16And interpreting those emotions became a prime focus of the coverage.
03:20He certainly seemed tormented at times. His hands crossed, his eyes raw.
03:26Tell me Adam, how far away were you from him in court and what did you see?
03:32I was approximately about 5-10 metres and what I could see was a very sombre and upset human being perhaps realising the real gravity of the situation.
03:44Most of the time those emotions were fairly easy to read because he was crying.
03:48And the news seemed to find it important to tell us just how much and how often he wept.
03:52Oscar Pistorius has, in the last few moments, broken down in tears.
03:57At every mention of the word murder, the Olympic and Paralympic Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius sobbed in court today.
04:04Reporters weren't allowed to film during proceedings themselves, but during recess they could use smartphone technology to show us the courtroom interior.
04:11We can actually hook up with our special correspondent, Alex Crawford. She's on her iPhone inside the courtroom.
04:18Which of course meant even more up to the minute crying bulletins.
04:21Every time his girlfriend's name was mentioned, he burst into tears, sometimes sobbing quite uncontrollably. His shoulders were absolutely heaving.
04:31And that wasn't the only way to keep up to date.
04:33Well, you can keep up with the latest from the courtroom. Follow our correspondent Andrew Harding on Twitter.
04:38Yes, you could find out when Pistorius wept and whether his shoulders shook as he did so in real time thanks to the reporter's informative Twitter accounts.
04:45There were also helpful explanatory updates on his family's emotional state.
04:50The group of people that I'm showing you now are the Pistorius family who are utterly distraught.
04:55His sister is sobbing. His father is being comforted by the lady whose back you conceive.
05:01For his family at times the strain seemed unbearable. They held to each other for support.
05:07His brother and sister embraced after hearing the claims. His father sat consumed by despair.
05:15When the time came for the magistrate's bail verdict, the tweeting stepped up a notch with second by second deconstruction of every sniffle and blub on the accused's face.
05:23Since they didn't have live pictures, they may as well have augmented their coverage with a constantly updated Twitter feed on one side of the screen and a special emotional interpreter on the other enacting his weeping live for our entertainment.
05:33Before the magistrate gave his verdict, he shared his view on the media circus.
05:37It does raise the picture that the accused is some kind of species that the world has never seen before.
05:49That bit was edited out of the nightly reports, although to be fair the magistrate did need editing.
05:54He spoke for so long and so flatly, the reporters started retweeting jokes during his summary.
05:59Eventually bail was granted, giving his time for one last crying and shoulders update.
06:04As the magistrate began to announce his decision, Oscar Pistorius slumped, sobbing, his shoulders shaking.
06:12Then Oscar Pistorius swapped the glare of the courtroom for the glare of the outside world.
06:16That over there is Oscar Pistorius driving to freedom. He's just got bail and is driving off down this Pretoria street.
06:25And the sightseeing safari of this exotic species continued all the way into the South African countryside.
06:31When the news doesn't have many concrete facts, it's content to let us sit and look.
06:35And thanks to technology, there are more ways of looking than ever before.
06:39The end result, when you look back at the footage, is that it doesn't really feel like news at all.
06:43More a strange form of sightseeing and a gathering of emotional souvenirs.
06:48There was this online craze thing called the Harlem Shake.
06:53It was sort of like something that Alex Zane introduced his clips of in 18 months' time.
06:58But now, and on the internet.
07:04You go to YouTube and put in Harlem Shake and you'd see like a big room and it'd have all these people in it.
07:10And none of them were doing anything apart from like one person who was sort of dancing a bit.
07:15And then the music would go all exciting and suddenly everyone was dancing like they were crazy.
07:23It was literally that amazing.
07:28It's better than Gangnam Style because Gangnam Style looks better but it's harder to do.
07:33Like if Harlem Shake you don't have to learn anything, you just sort of go...
07:37Like that.
07:42Brilliant.
07:43Everyone's really flailing around which is funny.
07:46And they were in silly things which is funny as well.
07:49People say Stuart Lee's funny but he's never done anything as funny as that.
07:55And he never will.
07:59Once you'd seen one video, right, you had to see another.
08:02And the good thing was that everyone was uploading their own versions, right?
08:07So you got to see what it looks like when people in different rooms suddenly all dance.
08:12It was amazing.
08:14You'd see like a big room of people and then they'd all be dancing which was fun.
08:19Or sometimes you'd see people all outside and they'd all be dancing which was probably more fun.
08:24And then you'd see people in an old folk's home and they'd all be dancing which is funny because they're old.
08:32And then you'd see another one in an old folk's home and you'd be like, okay, I've sort of seen that.
08:37Sometimes you'd see like old war men with guns and stuff and you'd hear the music and you'd think, no way.
08:44No way they're going to do the mad dance.
08:46That would be mental.
08:48But then, right, they do it anyway.
08:50They do the Harlem Shake.
08:52It shows even men who've been trained to kill and have been handed implements of death by the state still like to let their hair down.
09:00They could probably do it as a victory dance, like on the battlefield over the bodies of people they've killed.
09:07And the music's quite loud which would drown out the screaming.
09:10And there were loads of people doing it in offices.
09:13And at first you're like, okay, that's really funny, you know.
09:16But then after a while, you start thinking, hello, the economy's sinking.
09:21How exactly is this supposed to help?
09:23It's all well and good waving your arms around with a funny hat on.
09:26But at the end of the day, you've got a job to do, we all have, to pull your weight.
09:31Stop fucking dancing and get back to work, you selfish Harlem Shake bastards.
09:35You know what? This whole horse meat scandal has been going on for so long.
09:38It feels like it started back in, I don't know, 1948.
09:49Horse meat is rapidly becoming part of Britain's diet.
09:52Three million people buy it every week, though less than half that number know it.
09:57Public feeling grows against a sinister trade.
10:01The country demands action against a traffic so alien to the British people.
10:05No wonder it feels like we've been watching gruesome images like this for the past 65 years.
10:17Anyway, against this backdrop of bad grub, ITV have perhaps unwisely chosen to launch a new show
10:23that celebrates good, honest home cooking by filling it with showbiz additives,
10:27artificial colourings and upsetting traces of horse shit.
10:29Welcome to Food Glorious Food. A competition to find Britain's most glorious recipe.
10:36Real food created by the nation's home cooks.
10:40Food Glorious Food is a talent show for recipes and it's created by Simon Cowell.
10:44It's effectively a plate full of Great British Bake Off leftovers, hosted by a Carol Vorderman impersonator
10:49and flung on screen for you to watch while scoffing a microwaved equine lasagna from your lap.
10:53The premise is that eccentrics from across the country are putting their recipes up to be judged by four chunks of processed meat,
11:00namely face-pulling battle-axe hyacinth bouquet, some voice-of-the-beehive woman who's wandered off the Sheila's Wheels ad,
11:06dribbled some stately home-in-a-blazer Tom Parker bowls and Scotch VHS tape skeleton and mass-market sauce-trepreneur Lloyd Grossman.
11:14It's like being trapped forever in a food-based antiques roadshow or a village fake concentration camp complete with iconic entrance sign.
11:22It's just not a very appetising dish. There are bits where the sour-faced one has to eat something gross.
11:27Endless references from Amy Winehouse to her bum or her knickers or her nan.
11:31That's like my bum on a cold February morning, that.
11:34Haha, she said bum.
11:35Every time I open my knicker drawer, it smells like my nana's house and that's what I can smell.
11:39Her nice, fresh, clean knickers.
11:40Haha, she said knickers.
11:42She made the effort, like, you know, but, I mean, my nana makes the effort when she gets out of bed every morning and puts her tights and knickers on.
11:46Doesn't mean she's going to win 20 grand for it, does it?
11:48Haha, she said nana and knickers and she's from the north.
11:52There's also lots of explicit footage of Lloyd Grossman chewing the cud like a bespectacled tortoise.
11:56Which is great news if you find it sexy, like I do.
12:03It's very good.
12:04Sadly, there are traces of horse DNA in Tom Parker bowls.
12:07It's perfect.
12:08Would you like to go over me?
12:11Trouble is, there's a flaw in the basic premise.
12:13On the one hand, Food Glorious Food purports to celebrate individual cookery made by eccentrics,
12:18by which I mean people who mush cabbage with their feet or dress like the shopkeeper from Mr. Ben.
12:23But on the other, the ultimate prize is to have your honest homemade food turned into a mass-market ready meal
12:29for people to reheat and shovel into their downturned mouths between guttural sobs of despair
12:34as they sit at home watching yet another formulaic talent contest like this one, pretending everything's fine and everyone's f***ing happy.
12:42The whole thing's designed to feel inclusive and chummy in that horribly false big society way.
12:47But frankly, it can keep calm and f*** off.
12:51Still, it is undeniably interesting watching the judges having to eat odd dishes.
12:55Sausages in milk?
12:57Yes.
12:58You know they say you never see white dog shit anymore.
13:01Turns out you do.
13:02So, I'd like you to try it for the taste rather than the appearance.
13:06Yes.
13:07Right.
13:08So, I've brought you a little blindfold.
13:09Open your mouth.
13:11There you go.
13:13Oh, it's just like nine and a half weeks this.
13:16Now that tastes flowery.
13:18But she isn't the only fantasy Brit lady to sample unusual flavours.
13:22No, our very own Nigella is currently wowing them stateside in another even more demented foodie talent show.
13:29This is a cooking competition unlike any other.
13:32The Taste is an astonishing new American food talent contest which is basically the voice with food.
13:37It's all about the taste and nothing but the taste.
13:40Why?
13:41Because we're tasting the food blind.
13:44Britain's favourite finger-licking Curvatron is joined on panel duties by Mr. Tumble, a Playmobil pool boy and Monica's dad from Friends.
13:51The idea is simple.
13:52The panels simply have to taste one spoonful of each one of chefs wares.
13:56One spoon.
13:57Because they don't have any idea who made it or what's in it, it's an experience almost exactly like buying any meat product in Britain today.
14:04If they like what they taste, they can sign the chef responsible up for their team in time for a forthcoming cook-off.
14:10I like the sweet, the heat, all of that. I like a little bit of the crunch.
14:13Yeah.
14:14The scallop was cooked perfectly. So I really see you as somebody I would like to work with and could potentially join Team Malarkey.
14:20Oh!
14:23We've got an in right here.
14:24Wow.
14:25Although some of these chefs, entertainingly enough, turn out to be dicks.
14:28I'm going to come at them full force and they're not even going to know what's happening because it's coming from the future through a time portal smashing them in the face with awesomeness.
14:35There's nothing they can do about it.
14:37What he's saying is he's going to put some food on a spoon. And what's on that spoon? Take it away, chef.
14:42This is a pineapple, maitake mushroom, ground turkey, sun-dried tomato, mac and cheese stir-fry.
14:50Mmm.
14:51You can't necessarily put those flavours together in your head.
14:54I can imagine something like it coming out of my head into the toilet.
14:57When a chef's spoonful displeases the panel, they send them back to the kitchen like an omelette with a pube on it.
15:02It's appalling. And you will not be cooking in my kitchen.
15:09Then they kill him, cut him up, cook him and eat him.
15:14Just kidding.
15:15You know, I make food for awesomeness, not just food for tasting good.
15:19And that guy was a professional chef.
15:21Many of the aspiring cooks are amateurs hoping to break out of more mundane careers.
15:25Like this guy, who's got a truly shitty job.
15:28My name is T.J. Teeman. I'm 37 years old.
15:31I work at a wastewater treatment plant and your crap is my bread and butter.
15:34Everybody poos and everybody's got to eat.
15:38I'll tell you what, I'd much rather work in a kitchen cooking food and dealing with what goes into the body rather than the end result here of what comes out of the body.
15:47You know, I'd have thought if you worked in a sewage plant staring at bubbling human excrement all day long, you'd go out of your way to create a dish that looked absolutely nothing like it.
15:55But I'd be wrong.
15:57Oh, hell yes.
15:58On the positive side, this dish does provide plenty of roughage and appears to be going down surprisingly well with the judges.
16:04Oh, I think Nigella's just found a bit of sweet corn.
16:07Technology and incredible yet bland scenes as Sony hold a live web launch for their forthcoming PlayStation 4 console.
16:20There wasn't much you could tell from the launch because they didn't actually show the machine itself.
16:24Instead, a bizarre new Kevin Eldon character showed off the joypad.
16:28For the first time, the new controller. And here it is.
16:31The DualShock 4 joypad quivers when stimulated, has a strokeable sensitive area on the front and an inviting little button down below that aches to be touched,
16:39after which it encourages all your friends to come along and join in the fun like your mum does.
16:44If you ask me, the emphasis on sharing is an absolute disaster for the PlayStation because it looks like it's going to turn the blissfully isolated pastime of gaming into a sort of grinning Facebook hell of empty socialized twattery.
16:55Still, it wasn't just boring hardware on display. No, there were games too, introduced by people trying to make them sound like things they weren't.
17:02This is a story about the loss of home, the search for a new home and the lengths to which people go to defend it.
17:09Sounds deep.
17:10This is Killzone Shadowfall.
17:12Oh, no it doesn't.
17:13Ingmar Bergman's Killzone Shadowfall is an inspiring meditation on shooting people in the future.
17:18As well as a game where you shoot everyone in the future, there was a game where you drive cars really quickly,
17:23a game where you fight dragons, a game where you fight goblins and a startling tech demonstration of the PlayStation 4's uncanny ability
17:30to resurrect the disembodied head of Jimmy Savile and leave it floating forever in a kind of abstract anti-matter hell.
17:36But you can feel his emotions just looking at his face.
17:40Or you can see his soul just looking into his eyes.
17:43Not quite Mario, is it?
17:45Isn't everyone on the internet horrible?
17:47Well, yes they are.
17:48But here's someone who thinks that's just swell.
17:50It's U.S. comedian and drunk Doug Stanhope.
17:57I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
18:03Evidently in the UK, you have some vague, ambiguous laws about mean tweeting.
18:09Where you can go to prison for being abusive on the internet.
18:16Where in the United States, being rude on the internet, that's the purpose of it.
18:20That's why you're on the internet.
18:22That's like making porn legal, but it's against the law to jerk off to it.
18:26A lot of people are against mean tweeting, because it's usually at your expense.
18:31You're a big buggin' man when you're sitting behind your keyboard, but you'd never say that shit to my face.
18:37Of course I wouldn't, because you would hit me.
18:39Why would I invoke violence when I can do it happily from the safety of my own home?
18:45Point being, the internet is built for tragedy and inappropriate comments.
18:50Tragedy, that's when comics come to life.
18:53Tragedy happens, comic has to spring into action.
18:57You want to be the first on stage or on the laptop to make an inappropriate joke.
19:02That's what it's there for.
19:03Dead celebrities, race to the internet.
19:06I can't wait, Whitney Houston, what do you got?
19:08And then people go, that's too soon.
19:10And you go, no, they just died.
19:12It's perfectly timed.
19:13The news broke.
19:14I had the first joke on the fucking internet.
19:16How dare you question my timing.
19:18I'm a professional.
19:23Too soon.
19:25For the first time in a celebrity's ego-driven career, they finally are dead and don't have to give a shit about what you said about them on the internet.
19:35How limited is your imagination that not only do you believe in an afterlife, but you still think it has social networking?
19:44Were your dead celebrities down there in line checking her iPhone?
19:49Well, I hope I better be trending at least.
19:52Well, that comments a little off color.
19:55That's a little salty.
19:57Could have saved that till I was cold.
20:00It's weird that the church can say, like, you're going to go to hell if you masturbate.
20:05But if I tweet that your father is in hell because he masturbated, do I go to prison for that?
20:12Or am I covered under some religious freedom act?
20:14I don't know.
20:15I'm not a barrister.
20:17A musical interlude now, and the grassroots celebration of artistic authenticity that is the Brits thrilled viewers nationwide from beginning to end.
20:25The coverage kicked off dynamically as Queenie O'Head Stadium Botherer's Muse, led by their apparently two-foot-tall henchman Matt Bellamy, performed their symphony for youth orchestra, kitchen sink and bloke going wah.
20:42Before James Corden unveiled the magnificently diverse musical menu on offer that evening.
20:46However you like your music, we have something for you.
20:49Are you sure about that? Because I like my music bland, OK?
20:52Mumford & Sons are going to be here tonight.
20:55Hooray!
20:56Taylor Swift.
20:57Yes!
20:58Ben Howard.
20:59Probably yes!
21:00Robbie Williams.
21:01Results!
21:02Emily Sanday.
21:04Ace!
21:05And five young men that go by the name of One Direction are here.
21:10Oh, jackpot!
21:12Having established its credentials with anarchic awards like the Rock and Roll Mastercard Album of the Year supported by The Sun's Bizarre Column, the ceremony continued to wow audiences by handing a succession of meaningless Hearst ruined statuettes to a dwindling roll call of piss-weak musical farts,
21:27interspersed with earnest VTs in which artistes like Trust Fund, Wurzels, Mumford & Sons outlined their unique creative vision.
21:34One of the most exciting things about making a second album is doubling the size of the window people get to look in at what we do.
21:41And one of the most exciting things about that window is doubling the speed I tossed that second album through it.
21:46Some of these songs take years to finish.
21:48I f***ing say.
21:49There were also spine-tingling performances from the aforementioned Bullingdon Buskers, sexy-backed songster Tintin Bumbaclart, the white clean vinyl tweenies, a bright blue Morrissey droid, some hopefully unpaid intern, and catawalling ice cream Emily Sanday, whose performance transported us all back to a happier time last year, in July 2012, just before most of us had heard of it.
22:10It's extremely creepy, ooh-ooh-ooh.
22:15Following another five million mentions of Mumford & Sons, the Corporate Import Export Awards were over for another year.
22:23But don't worry, it's not the last you'll have heard of all the acts featured.
22:26No, because they'll all be playing unrelentingly in the background of every clothes shop you walk past, every match-of-the-day gold montage, touch-screen camera commercial, and Britain's Got Talent contestant package you clap your hollow, wounded, disappointed eyes on for the next 500 f***ing years.
22:42Controversy, and the news chickens get in a flap as brainy author Hilary Mantel apparently criticises our Kate.
22:54You can see there some of the language being used in the headline.
23:00A plastic princess designed to breed? I think I ordered one of those off the internet once.
23:05The comments upset some of the biggest anchors in Britain, such as this machine-made front man with a plastic smile.
23:10She's described her as a machine-made princess with a plastic smile. Do you know, I think that's really unnecessary.
23:18It also caused upsetting exchanges on this morning.
23:21When it's being sort of, I never understand, when it's being polite, gentle, well-mannered, suddenly become plastic and fake.
23:28I think she should shut up.
23:29Even the PM chipped in with his two cents.
23:31I think what she said about Kate Middleton is completely misguided, completely wrong.
23:35But not everyone joined in the pylon. Some had actually read the article.
23:39What this article is, it's a big article, it's a long article, all about the history of consorts, what happens to consorts.
23:45Oh, boring, but she does slag Kate off in it, yeah?
23:48What she was trying to say was that there's something that happens when a woman marries into the royal family.
23:52She becomes this image, and we expect her not to necessarily say anything, we comment about her dress, but we almost turn our royal family into dolls.
24:00God knows where she got that impression, unless she watches the news.
24:04With those trademark heels, Kate stepped into new territory. With her green coat, the Duchess wore the shamrock brooch.
24:11Yes, only an eyeless rock could fail to notice the media portrayal of Kate does indeed tend to treat her more like a grinning mannequin than a real woman.
24:18Even on the day they reported Mantell's comments, they couldn't stop banging on about the way Kate was dressed,
24:23and how much her pregnancy was showing, like she was, I don't know, some kind of plastic princess designed to breed.
24:29The Duchess of Cambridge is just inside, wearing a black and white dress, and a very visible bump.
24:37When they actually let us hear her voice, it's such a rare event, all the news channels actually treat it like a massive story in itself.
24:44For once, attention wasn't just on how Kate looked, but also on what she said.
24:48Kate can speak?
24:50A small room, a few invited guests, but intense scrutiny.
24:54I'm only sorry that William can't be here today. He would love it here.
25:01Well done pretty, back in your box.
25:04Based on the book of the same name, Cloud Atlas is a visually spectacular attempt at creating a metaphysically profound blockbuster spanning several centuries of made up time.
25:12It stars Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks again, Jim Broadbent, Jim Broadbent, Ben Whishaw and Tom Hanks.
25:20Often when watching films, you find yourself squinting at a cast member and saying, where have I seen them before?
25:25And in Cloud Atlas, the answer is, in that other bit of Cloud Atlas.
25:29Because the novelty here is that Cloud Atlas consists of six separate stories starring the same cast, popping up again and again in different guises throughout.
25:36What are you doing in here?
25:38Fun idea in theory, but in practice it means the whole thing feels a bit like playing Where's Wally with famous people,
25:43which sort of constantly knocks you out of the storyline, especially when these prosthetic noses aren't always brilliant.
25:49It gets particularly weird when, say, Halle Berry turns up as a white woman, Hugh Grant turns up as a futuristic Korean,
25:55and when Tom Hanks appears, apparently disguised as George Michael, it's just silly.
25:59The film continually flips from one story to another in a manner that sometimes draws parallels between the various shaggy dog stories,
26:05but more often feels like you're watching six different mini-series playing together in shuffle mode.
26:10You need a f***ing atlas just to find your way through the thing.
26:13Still, if it's a mess, it is at least a brave mess.
26:15Although, while it has moments of excitement and is visually staggering throughout,
26:18it's hard to care about characters whose lives you're experiencing for sometimes just a few moments at a time across 180 minutes.
26:24In fact, the most profound thing I learned about the human condition across its three-hour running time is how long my bladder can hold out.
26:33Joining me now to discuss Cloud Atlas are Charlie Brooker from the year 1973
26:37and Charlie Brooker from 106 winters after the fall, who is actually played tonight by Halle Berry. Isn't that right?
26:43Yes. Yes, it is.
26:44Have you read the book, Cloud Atlas?
26:46Interesting question. What exactly is a book?
26:49It's a kind of content delivery system. You look at shapes on paper and it makes pictures, I guess, appear in your head.
26:56Do you have cave paintings after the fall?
26:58Yes, we do.
26:59It's like those.
27:00Oh, right. In that case, no. No, I haven't.
27:03Have you read the book?
27:04I haven't. Although, I have to be honest, I don't really know that it would have helped if I had.
27:09I mean, I found the whole multiple character thing kind of tricksy and annoying.
27:13There is something just inherently stupid, I think, about seeing Hugh Grant playing a cannibal.
27:18Yeah, it's like some kind of weird sitcom.
27:20What's a sitcom?
27:21It's like a cave painting you laugh at.
27:23Like Mrs. Brown's Boys. Actually, Cloud Atlas is quite a lot like Mrs. Brown's Boys because both Ben Whishaw and Hugo Weaving turn up playing kind of unconvincing women at one point. It's really distracting.
27:32What's Mrs. Brown's Boys?
27:33It's... well, you're from 1973. I mean, you'd love it.
27:36Can I just say I'm finding this whole sequence quite self-indulgent?
27:40Yeah, I never really liked this bit of the show.
27:42Yeah, well, neither of you had to turn up.
27:44We didn't.
27:45What?
27:46We're not here. You're imagining this whole thing?
27:48Don't be ridiculous. I can see you quite clearly sitting there and...
27:54Home.
27:55Paint! And a heterosexual male dares to subvert everything with an unconventional colour choice.
28:08Are you mad?
28:13Pink!
28:15Pink!
28:17Shortly afterwards, the naysayers are trying to hold a party downstairs, but being sad as it's sadly underpopulated,
28:22and looks a bit like the before bit in a Harlem Shake video, he said, contemporarily.
28:28But wait! Upstairs, Mad Dan's pink bedroom is acting as a sort of instant lady honeypot.
28:34Pink!
28:35Now he has the pic of all these easily mesmerised girls.
28:38In fact, just after closing that door, he painted some pink walls white, but they couldn't show that bit.
28:44Yeah, well, that is about all we've got time for. Program ends. Until next time, go away.
28:52Come on, come on, come on!
28:53We'll go, come on, come on!
28:55Go, come on, come on!
28:57And then, let's
29:02go, go!
29:08We'll go!
29:18Go, go!
29:22You
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