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00:00Hello I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching weekly Wiper program all about
00:24things that are happening things like this heartbreaking and tragic scenes
00:29in Coronation Street as Hayley Cropper drinks some funeral juice. Already impassioned
00:33campaigners are calling for the right to die to be extended to Emmerdale. Rubber-faced funny
00:38man Vladimir Putin accused of homophobia as he says gays are welcome at the Winter Olympics
00:43as long as they keep away from children. To be fair there is nothing worse than a predatory
00:47ski-defile hanging around the nursery slopes. Labour's Ed Miliband reinvents himself as
00:51a tough guy willing to take on the banks. Having vowed to battle apparently insurmountable
00:55financial forces his hard man message was only slightly undermined a few hours later when
00:59he made an unconvincing attempt to enjoy a beer. Great. That's the kind of thing that's been
01:04going on but we start with political scandal. The political sex scandal has an illustrious
01:09history dating back to the Profumo affair and since then it's provided countless guffaws
01:13and lurid but hilarious headlines detailing the romps bonks and trysts of people you'd rather
01:17not picture in any kind of bedroom scenario whatsoever. But the latest example isn't much
01:22fun involving allegations about Lord Renard which he denies and refuses to apologise for
01:26thus putting Nick Clegg in a compromising position. Renard's now been suspended and the whole
01:31thing's playing out in the media in a bizarre civil war. The Lib Dems are currently investigating
01:35whether Lord Renard has brought the party into disrepute or whether it's actually got any
01:38repute left to dis. It's more of an ugly mess than a farce really. For a proper old-fashioned
01:43political sex scandal you have to switch channels or rather cross channels to France. Yes France,
01:49a nation so romantic it's got a type of kissing named after it almost expects its political figures
01:54to have mistresses. It's practically a tradition. De Gaulle was the town bike, Jacques Chirac was a
01:59filthy slut and Francois Mitterrand was famed for filling every woman he met with what the French
02:04call happiness and we call a penis. Look he's going for one now. Get your filthy paws off her.
02:09That's our queen. But now a contemporary slap and tickle scandal seemed to be brewing around
02:14president Hollande who stands accused of cheating on the first lady with a second lady like a sort
02:19of French Lee Ryan. The first lady was in hospital and the news was clinically clear about why.
02:24The first lady is still in hospital with a broken heart. Oh god that's awful they can't treat a broken
02:30heart because it isn't a medical condition. These provocative magazine images had prompted the
02:35scandal. Hollande apparently pictured outside the actress's apartment. They didn't actually get a
02:39clear shot of his face just his helmet which is the sort of thing they can put on front pages in
02:43France they're no better than animals. Actually looking at this how do they know it's not just
02:47one of Daft Punk? The British news gleefully recounted how the French public had snapped up
02:52every copy of the accusing mag leaving none left for them. Bonjour monsieur do you have any copies of
02:57Closer magazine? I'm very sorry I sold all. You sold all of them this morning? Oh in that case I'll just
03:02have a copy of Le Razzle and what's French for hand cream? Confusingly for British reporters outside of
03:09the magazine itself the French media claimed it wasn't too interested in the alleged affair.
03:13If it's private it's private I don't I don't care what's François Hollande or anybody else is doing
03:18in his bedroom. It soon became clear the people most interested in where the Parisian Prez put his
03:23penis were the British. We found the French nonchalance incroyable. Are you interested in the
03:28love life of François Hollande? Not at all not at all I don't believe you. Because they couldn't get footage of
03:35French citizens waving their fists and shouting Zoutalos the British hacks had to pad out their
03:40reports avec le filler. One perky Channel 4 news reporter painstakingly reconstructed the
03:45president's drive to the alleged love nest stepping off the bike and walking straight up to the front
03:49door but then foolishly stopped short of the interesting bit where he'd get to make love to
03:53a beautiful actress. The problem for President Hollande is that he looks even more ridiculous than I do.
03:59I'd say it's about evens. There were also some startling pre-watershed glimpses of suspiciously
04:04post-watershed cartoons and stock news report fella item 6B footage of a crappy knocked up in
04:09five minutes computer game wheeled out like it's a big deal. It's not even a good French video game.
04:14It's no Super Marie Antoinette. Back in the studio the French insistence on respecting privacy was
04:19irritating the British media so much they invited French journalists on to harangue them in the only
04:24language they understand. Arrogance. Why are the French press so deferential? Some UK anchors
04:30apparently spent so long speaking to the French the Gaelic influence rubbed off on them and they
04:34started acting French themselves. But you know a French president has an affair. But Hollande couldn't
04:40hide forever because he was scheduled to give a live press conference. Rolling news wiped the schedule
04:45clean to watch the president squirm in the spotlight. Anything could happen. He could break down and beg
04:50forgiveness or start f***ing the actress live on stage. He is French. Or as he'd been scheduled to do
04:55all along he might speak at length about French economic policy. The big T's. Although of course
05:00in French even that's erotic. We're talking about going faster, going further, accelerating and going
05:08in more depth. But we've got to ensure that this growth be as vigorous as possible. In the end the
05:15first lady came out of hospital. The second lady threatened to sue the magazine and the president
05:19carried on just as unpopular as he'd been before. And what had we the British learned? Nothing. Except that
05:24ultimately the French don't seem to care who the president's f***ing as long as he's not f***ing
05:28the country. There's this sort of library channel where the BBC keep their old man music programs.
05:35And it had this amazing detective thing called the bridge on it. It's a bit like Sherlock which is
05:40brilliantly made. But instead of it being about a hobbit and a wizard it's about a sort of giant and a
05:47robot woman. He's sort of angry and she's sort of distant. But if you put them together they're sort of
05:54balanced out and make one person. It was a bit weird because it had George Galloway in it and Dennis
06:00Walkman and like Stuart Lee but younger and less funny. But they're all foreign them not real them.
06:10It's about these crimes that are happening miles away but are still exciting so you still sort of care.
06:17And just like Sherlock it's got these clever words that come up so you know what's happening.
06:23Like each time someone speaks it explains what's going on. Sometimes there are words telling you
06:29what they'd said even though you knew what they'd said because they'd said it using real words anyway.
06:34For f***ing shit. It's hard concentrating on the word bits with all the picture bits at the top.
06:40I think maybe the way to do it is to watch it once for the words and then again for the pictures.
06:44The man policeman's Danish and the woman policeman's Swedish but even though they speak two different
06:51languages they don't need subtitles to talk to each other because they're both foreign. So like
06:57even though I need subtitles to understand them they wouldn't need subtitles to understand me
07:03because to them I'm foreign which they are too. They're trying to catch these like Beatrix Potter people
07:10who are killing people to make a trendy point about politics to impress the Guardian.
07:14It feels really new because as well as the robot one it's got YouTube in it and computers you know
07:20and a bit where a man's having sex with someone and if you look you can see his balls for like no reason.
07:26Thing is it's not a nice foreign land like in a holiday programme.
07:30It's really cold and there's all murders and you can tell from looking at it that there's hardly
07:36any colours allowed over there because the light burns the fjords so everything's grey and murky
07:42and muted and sort of ominous. It's probably less depressing being murdered in Scandinavia than
07:47anywhere else on earth because even as you were dying you'd think oh well at least it'll be warm
07:54in heaven and they'll let me wear red trousers if I want and they probably speak English like in proper
08:00places. The first series of the bridge is really good so they made it again over here as the tunnel
08:06which is really good as well and to make it a fair swap the Danish remade take me out and theirs was
08:12just as good as ours was. In fact actually sort of better because it's happening further away.
08:17Weather and UKIP's David Sylvester causes outrage by claiming the recent biblical weather has been
08:28caused by God punishing the UK for allowing same-sex marriage making him the only UKIP
08:33councillor to actively believe in man-made climate change. The councillor apparently wrote to David
08:38Cameron to warn him but Cameron ignored his letter or maybe just didn't understand it because he doesn't
08:42speak 12th century maniac. In informative scenes Sky immediately dispatched a reporter to the
08:47councillor's waterlogged hometown to badger the godless locals. Are the floods in Henley and
08:51around the rest of the country a sign from God? I wouldn't I don't even believe in God myself.
08:56Boo! Drown the heretic! Apparently the deluge is part of a sinister gay plot to fill Britain with
09:01water so everyone has to wear rubber all the time and the streets will fill with water making
09:06cruising mandatory. When the news came a-knocking in confrontational scenes the man himself seemed oddly
09:10reluctant to speak to the media possibly because he believes their heathen camera machines will steal his
09:15soul. I'm not giving any more interviews I'm afraid. Thank you. Are your views an embarrassment
09:20to the party? UKIP King Nigel Farage suspended the councillor and announced an immediate clear out of UKIP
09:27members with crazy outmoded views. A complex process that involves highlighting the membership list
09:32and then hitting delete. Now Scotland should it stay or go or only see the rest of Britain at weekends?
09:37Scottish independence has got a lot of people thinking none more so than our resident inquisitive human
09:42Limmy. This is Limmy.
09:49It's a big year for Scotland. The referendum. Do we want to be ruled by this pack of liars or that?
09:54I couldn't have decided until I saw David Cameron.
09:56So this year a message go out from England, Wales and Northern Ireland to everyone in Scotland.
10:02We want you to stay.
10:04And I thought, oh that's nice.
10:05But I'm out. Does he seriously think I'd do a single thing he wants with that face?
10:09Nah. I don't know what Davey boys got planned to make Britain great again but I went out.
10:14Anyway I headed out to try and make Victoria Park great again.
10:17I was sending the council on another video to get him to do something about any fences man.
10:20Just one lick of paint. Please. Please. Please.
10:23It was hopeless. I felt like David Cameron.
10:25Do you know he'd have me a look persuading us to stay if he told us to piss off.
10:28We are manna.
10:29Reverse psychology.
10:30We want you to stay.
10:31Or does he? Does he really think we'd do a thing he says?
10:35With that face?
10:36Honestly look at it.
10:37Nah. He knows. He's got to know. And he wants us to bolt.
10:41I don't know what he's got planned to make Britain great again but I went in.
10:45We want you to stay.
10:46Nice try.
10:47And by the way Davey.
10:48I know you're watching. And I know what you're thinking.
10:50You're thinking of flipping us one more time. You're thinking.
10:53Do you know he'd have me a look persuading us to stay if he told us to piss off.
10:56Huh? You're thinking I may be doing this. Or this. Or maybe this. But sorry mate.
11:00We want you to stay.
11:02First answer counts.
11:03Anybody ask for the council.
11:07Do not paint this fence. Under no circumstances are you to paint this fence.
11:10Food now and cookery shows are of course a TV staple. But there's so many of them.
11:18They need a gimmick these days to succeed. A gimmick like um.
11:22Spoons!
11:28Yes. Spoons. Courtesy of Channel 4's upmarket kitchen contest to taste. In which former celebrity courtroom star Nigella Lawson has to lick a spoon clean alongside rock'n'roll chef Anthony Bourdain and the world's Frenchest Frenchman Ludo Fonfifon.
11:41I don't know. It's your kitchen.
11:42The idea is the contestants have to win the judges over by creating a fun size helping of creative food. They should have called it Master Spoon.
11:53Some of the contestants create miniature masterpieces while others produce the most preposterous shit to grace a spoon since Yuri Geller.
11:59Having sweated and toiled to fill a small ceramic ladle like your dad did in the Navy, the contestants then sit back nervously to see if the judges can swallow their food without choking.
12:08Something Nigella should find far easier now Charles Sarch is not around.
12:11Incidentally and apropos of nothing, I just thought of a great joke about a famous art collector framing his wife. Which I can't repeat for legal reasons.
12:18Anyway, spoons are all very well, but they're not a very adventurous cookery gimmick.
12:22What's really missing on TV is a food show incorporating far-right politics, as exhibited in the recent bizarre cookery video posted online by the BNP's Nick Griffin.
12:31It's just like an episode of Master Race. I mean, chef.
12:34Essential cooking tool. Wooden spooner.
12:37It's weird watching him in his notably well-equipped kitchen and refreshing to see he doesn't deny the existence of ovens.
12:42Disappointingly, he doesn't cook chicken supremacist or egg-fried rike or swastika masala, but a simple stew, which he cooks in one big melting pot.
12:52Let's have a look at the contents of that pan there. Just taking on a little bit of colour.
12:58Obviously, he likes his ingredients locally sourced, although he's going to be furious when he finds out those British white potatoes are descended from South American immigrants.
13:05Still, it's not just cookery tips, there's opinion too.
13:07So, don't let people tell you that you have to have huge numbers of immigrants to have good cooking.
13:14OK, although, to be fair, no-one's ever told anyone that.
13:17We've got a Mexican restaurant in the town not that far from here.
13:20The place isn't to want with Mexicans.
13:22You take the recipe, that's really all you need.
13:26Oh, you know, I do wish he wouldn't talk while he's chopping ingredients.
13:29I mean, look at the clunky way he wields the knife.
13:31I keep worrying he might not hurt himself.
13:33Then, finally, the meal is ready to eat.
13:35To be fair, even if some of the diners look less than thrilled to be there, the end product looks good.
13:40Maybe he should have been a chef.
13:41Still, cookery's loss is bigotry's gain.
13:43And if you don't like the dishes he serves up, send them back to where they came from.
13:47Of course, those who prefer their cookery a little less politically controversial and a lot more cash can always ingest the swaggering and breezy laid-back Sunday brunch with prime geezer Tim Lovejoy.
13:57It's about three hours long, but don't worry if you can't be fussed to sit through all of it.
14:01Mr Jake Yap has condensed it down to 99 seconds, as he'll demonstrate now.
14:06Start the clock.
14:06Good morning.
14:11Welcome to Sunday brunch with me, Tim Lovejoy.
14:14It's a completely different format to something for the weekend, which I hosted in the same slot on BBC Two.
14:18That was all about celebs and cooking.
14:20This is all about food and famous people.
14:22Anyway, it's no biggie.
14:23It's only telly.
14:24It's just a couple of top blokes slightly too old for their low-rise jeans hanging out for classic bands.
14:28Look at me.
14:29I'm just leaning on the set, owning the space.
14:31Scal Psychic, what are you cooking up for us today?
14:34Well, today I'm doing French Tolls with you.
14:36All right, mate, that's enough of you.
14:37Back to me.
14:37Only joking.
14:40He's laughing.
14:41He's laughing as well.
14:43I'm the new Des Lina when you think about it.
14:45I'm just so bloody low back.
14:46All right, let's do some auto-cue.
14:48Watch my eyes glaze over.
14:49Remedial time.
14:50Our guests today were famous in a pop group around 1997.
14:55All right, welcome, guys.
14:56Just hang out, help yourselves, do anything.
14:58My parents aren't back till September and I'll be at uni by then.
15:01Anyway, let's interview you.
15:02We didn't bother to read the notes they sent over last night.
15:04I'll just wing it.
15:05How do you...
15:06What's the most...
15:08Who are you?
15:10Okay, I've completely lost control of the interview now.
15:13Good job the sound man's remembered that I'm supposed to be in charge.
15:16Time to say something blindingly obvious as though it's something only my keenly analytical mind could have worked out.
15:21Music's really important, isn't it?
15:23Speaking of which, here's a bit of a pop video we've been checking out on MySpace.
15:27They're called Coldplay.
15:28We think they're going places here in us.
15:30Time now for me to stand next to Simon while he cooks.
15:33All a bit awkward, like a neighbour standing in your kitchen at your New Year's party.
15:37Later on, Simon will stand awkwardly next to our guest chef, keeping that whole redundant bloke standing about vibe going.
15:43Well, we've got to the end of the programme and no one's worked out what my role is.
15:46Time for a low-key, no-eye-contact finale.
15:49See you later.
15:58Culture.
15:58And in unforgettable scenes, this morning screens a bizarre live test in which Britain's foremost and indeed only rumpologist demonstrates how to analyse people's backsides.
16:06When I was focusing on Kelly's bottom, it's the right cheek that was telling me all the sort of past things. The left cheek is all the future things.
16:15Which, as I suspected, makes the present a shithole.
16:18To test her but-ecological skills, they ran a sort of on-air reverse glory hole guessing game.
16:23They're very creative and very fun to be around. Can be a bit serious at times.
16:29You know, looking at this, you might think this morning's just taking the piss, but it isn't. Although some of its guests are.
16:34Now, how do you start your day? Do you like an orange juice?
16:38I'm a coffee guy.
16:38You're a coffee guy. Maybe some of you are tea people.
16:41Well, not this couple. They kick off their day with a glass of their own urine.
16:46Yes, in a thrilling episode, this morning interviewed a happy couple who drink their own urine.
16:50Not to save money, they drink it for health reasons, none of which are visible or indeed exist.
16:54What difference did it make to you?
16:56Well, just generally, it helps balance my head. It's like my emotions were a lot calmer and I could just think clearer.
17:03Clear enough to think, I know, I'll drink my own piss.
17:07Is it an acquired taste? So could you ever try each other's?
17:09It's not an acquired taste at all. No, it's not a taste you want to acquire.
17:12So you don't like the taste of it?
17:14No, don't worry.
17:16It smells and tastes like wee.
17:18So it's socially unacceptable and it tastes horrible.
17:21But on the plus side, it's also frowned upon by doctors.
17:23Specifically, a teledoc who looks like Prince playing Doctor Who,
17:27doing his best to balance the piss-taking with medical fact.
17:29It is not medically recommended, especially if you're unwell or on medication,
17:34we would not recommend it.
17:35It had been medically recommended.
17:37Hmm, yeah. I guess it all boils down, really, to who you want to believe.
17:40The qualified medical professional who tells you not to drink piss,
17:43or the hairy bloke in the stripy jumper who does.
17:46Things were inevitably building towards the money shot in which the happy couple would go on the piss,
17:50necking a glass of home-brewed Pinot Grigio live on air,
17:53which was probably enough to get viewers experimenting with swallowing their own vomit.
17:56Oh, look at that. You know what that is? That is Cameron's Britain.
17:59Cameron's Britain, everybody.
18:03Inevitably, this informative item prompted some lively viewer feedback,
18:07which tight-panted bulge displayer Jeff Brazier did his best to reel off quickly
18:11before he had some kind of weird fit.
18:13Zoe says if that's what they want to do, then let them.
18:16People are too quick to judge.
18:18Now.
18:22Feels so bad.
18:24Hmm.
18:24Sticking with urine and adding some excrement,
18:27this week also saw the USTLC channel air stomach-churning scenes
18:31in the gruesome My Strange Addiction,
18:32which showcased a woman with a penchant for sniffing and chewing used nappies.
18:36I love it. It just tastes amazing.
18:39I have one while I'm cooking in the kitchen,
18:41I have one in my drawers, I have one while I'm sleeping.
18:44Hmm. Oh, that really put me off my piss.
18:46To be fair, this celebratory urine drinking
18:49isn't the most upsetting fluid intake scene I've witnessed on ITV recently.
18:52That'd be Monday's harrowing Coronation Street,
18:55in which Hayley Cropper drank the ultimate bedtime nightcap.
18:58Come on, everyone.
18:59Down in one, down in one, down in one.
19:04Still, it was nice of her to give him a handjob on the way out.
19:07I love you.
19:10Pop now and crooning, hair-cutted pebble Justin Bieber's been in trouble
19:13with his alleged egg-throwing hijinks
19:15providing startling fodder for noisy entertainment shows.
19:19A felony investigation into accusations
19:21that the superstar singer pelted his neighbour's home with eggs.
19:25Frankly, I don't care what he does with eggs
19:27as long as he's not fertilising them.
19:28But are pop stars out of control?
19:30Well, US comedian and shambles Doug Stanhope
19:33thinks they're not out of control enough,
19:35and he'll say so now.
19:42I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
19:47You know what?
19:49Any time you complain about the kids today,
19:51you know you're walking on dangerous ground
19:53of just being a pathetic old fuck.
19:55But I think I'm right.
19:57This is the weakest generation in recorded history.
20:01Justin Bieber made the news
20:03for pissing into a mop bucket
20:05in the back room of a nightclub.
20:08TMZ got hold of some film of Justin Bieber
20:10relieving himself in a mop bucket.
20:13That makes news today.
20:15That's the coolest spot to piss.
20:16You know you, if I ever remember that.
20:18That's so indicative of what a shit generation this is.
20:24Where that's like, that's the rock and roll lifestyle.
20:27Oh, no, you did not let Zeppelin
20:30chucking fucking TVs out of hotel windows
20:33while the drummer is dead in the pool.
20:36Oh, no, Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket.
20:40It was caught on a cell phone camera.
20:42And I know every generation complains
20:45about the new kids coming up after him.
20:47But in the past, it was always complaining
20:49that the new kids were too out of control
20:52and taking too many chances.
20:54Oh, these kids today,
20:55they're smoking the marijuana reefer blunts.
20:58We're going to be the first generation
21:00that's the opposite of that.
21:01Where we'll still complain about the kids today,
21:04but in the opposite fashion.
21:06Look at these fucking kids.
21:09We used to do crank off of titty dancers and shit.
21:12They look good, right?
21:13It was a good time.
21:14These fucking sissies,
21:17they drink a Red Bull for some pep and some spirit.
21:21The closest they've ever come to a fist fight
21:23is on a message board.
21:25You looking at my girlfriend?
21:27I'm going to unfriend you from my Facebook registry.
21:32No, you have some block user coming in your future.
21:36I better delete the f*** part
21:41because I might get my walls shut down.
21:50Wildlife and a string of depressing news reports
21:52describes how a Texan hunting society
21:54has auctioned a permit
21:55to shoot and kill a rare Namibian black rhino.
21:58The rhino is a magnificent horny beast
22:00sadly destined to be unceremoniously mounted
22:02over a stranger's fireplace just like your mum.
22:05Corey Knowlton,
22:05the man who paid $350,000 for the permit,
22:08outlined his reasoning in a penetrating interview.
22:11I'm a hunter.
22:12I want to experience a black rhino.
22:13I want to be intimately involved with a black rhino.
22:17Sorry, what did that permit allow you to do again?
22:19In emotional scenes,
22:20Knowlton explained that shooting the black rhino
22:22is in fact the best way to protect the black rhino.
22:25The fact of the matter is
22:26we raised $350,000 for the black rhino.
22:30It's the most that's ever been raised
22:31and it's absolutely going to conservation.
22:34Yes, and with fewer rhinos to spend it on,
22:36that money will go even further.
22:37So we're just not going in there and saying,
22:39hey, we're going on a rhino hunt
22:41and, you know, here, have a beer,
22:43we're going to go find a rhino.
22:43I mean, no, it is a scientific process.
22:46Specifically, it's an experiment to find out
22:47what happens when a rhino gets exposed to lead.
22:50He says the hunt will also be for the good of the herd
22:52by targeting an older, aggressive male past reproduction.
22:55But the news prompted a barrage of death threats
22:57from people who wanted to kill him.
22:59Sick human threat.
23:00The death threats started coming.
23:01I hope you die slowly and painful.
23:03Don't look at them as death threats.
23:04Look at them as conservationists
23:06targeting an older, aggressive male past reproduction.
23:09Still, despite the outrage,
23:10the news made clear he's undaunted and proud.
23:13In a way, we won.
23:15And conservation won and the black rhino won.
23:17And it will celebrate that win
23:18with a nice lie down and a rot.
23:25Tainted nostalgia.
23:30And there are testing times
23:31for yet another fondly remembered TV icon from yesteryear.
23:34Yes, once upon a time,
23:35millions enjoyed these lovably manipulative adverts
23:37in which chimps carried out roadworks
23:39or dressed as clockwork orange characters
23:41and lugged furniture around.
23:43Do you know the pianos are my fault?
23:45You, I mean some, I'll pay it.
23:46We now know that when the cameras weren't rolling,
23:48they behaved like animals.
23:50Not that being taught to act like humans
23:51did them any favours,
23:52as a heartbreaking report on daybreak painfully revealed.
23:55Now the chimps played the part of the tips family
23:58and the zookeepers here say
23:59that they did enjoy walking and talking like us,
24:02but it was after the adverts
24:04that they had real problems
24:05integrating them back into chimp society.
24:08Just like Ross Kemp after EastEnders.
24:11Fortunately, the chimps have now recovered enough
24:13to enjoy traditional primate pastimes
24:15like doing nothing and putting shit in their mouths.
24:17Oh, Cameron's Britain.
24:18I hope you're proud, David Cameron.
24:21That is your Britain.
24:22Of course, now we're more enlightened
24:24than when these upsetting scenes were filmed.
24:26Today, we simply wouldn't force a basic creature
24:28to dress and behave like a human against its will,
24:30except maybe in those harrowing and tragic
24:32Ben Fogel typhoon ads.
24:35Oh, it shouldn't be allowed.
24:36Of course, Charles Darwin taught us
24:38monkeys and mankind are very much alike.
24:41Tomorrow will be 175 years
24:42since Darwin became a fellow of the Royal Society,
24:45so to celebrate that,
24:46and hard-hitting science in general,
24:47Philomena Kunk is about to explore evolution
24:49before your very face
24:51in this week's Moments of Wonder.
24:53It's almost unbelievable
25:10that before Charles Darwin invented evolution in 1859,
25:14no-one had ever evolved.
25:16Without him, none of us would be here today,
25:19except in the form of fossils or gibbons.
25:21The story goes that here in this garden in Kent,
25:30Darwin saw an apple fall from a tree
25:33and wondered if there was a monkey up there,
25:35and if so, where that monkey might have come from.
25:43Darwin was one of the most famous men of his age,
25:47like Paddy McGuinness is now,
25:49except Darwin had a beard,
25:51which Paddy McGuinness doesn't,
25:52unless they use CGI to paint it out,
25:54which they probably don't,
25:55because it's expensive.
26:00Even though it's obviously just boring today,
26:02the origin of species
26:03was the biggest sensation of its age,
26:06thanks to the twist ending
26:07in which Darwin revealed everyone on the planet
26:10had been made out of monkey meat all along.
26:12It caused a battle between science and the church
26:16that still rages today,
26:18although you apparently don't see them fighting like this
26:20because it's only a metaphorical battle.
26:24Even today, many people still don't believe in evolution,
26:28but maybe a science man can put them right.
26:31Hello, science man.
26:32Who are you and what are you an expert in or on?
26:35I'm Mark Thomas
26:37and I'm a Professor of Evolutionary Genetics
26:39at University College London.
26:40What did people do before evolution?
26:44Well, there weren't any people before evolution.
26:46I mean, life started evolving about 4 billion years ago.
26:51If we came from monkeys,
26:53why are there still monkeys?
26:55Because some of those monkeys
26:56that lived a long time ago
26:58turned into other monkeys that we see today,
27:01like chimp monkeys and so on.
27:04All right.
27:05So, the monkeys that didn't turn into humans,
27:09they must be gutted that they didn't turn into humans.
27:13Right, sometimes when I watch
27:15these past life hypnosis programmes on satellite channels,
27:20all the people on those,
27:21they're always ladies-in-waiting or gladiators.
27:24They're never monkeys.
27:26Why is that?
27:27Um, probably because they don't actually remember their past lives.
27:32It's probably not true.
27:33But I find it easier to believe
27:36that I was a lady-in-waiting than a monkey.
27:39Well, it's maybe easy to believe
27:42that your ancestors were ladies-in-waiting.
27:45Than monkeys.
27:45But I don't see the problem
27:47between believing both that your ancestors
27:49were ladies-in-waiting a few hundred years ago
27:51and before that were monkeys.
27:53And before that were monkeys.
27:53Monkey ladies-in-waiting.
27:55Thanks.
27:56Because evolution can't be seen,
27:59it's hard to believe in,
28:01like electricity or skeletons.
28:04But one day,
28:05maybe we'll evolve eyes that can see evolution
28:07and that'll prove it's real.
28:10Next week on Moments of Wonder,
28:12I'll be finding out where clouds go at night.
28:15Well, that's about all we've got time for this week.
28:19Until next time,
28:20when hopefully you come back,
28:22go away.
28:22Tomorrow night at 10,
28:27Jack Whitehall,
28:28Reginald D. Hunter and Victoria Wood
28:30are answering Stephen Fry's QI questions.
28:33And there's live tennis in the morning
28:35here on BBC Two
28:36with Nadal against Federer
28:38in the Australian Open semi-finals
28:40from 8.15.
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