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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
00:07Yeah, welcome to the show now and I don't want to be rude
00:15But I'm afraid you've caught me in a rather sulky mood
00:19I've asked the show's producer if he could get on the case
00:22And find some things to put the smile back on my sullen face
00:25Oh, here's a plate of chips and here's a lovely old guitar
00:29Some fizzy pop a kitten and a lady in her bra, hurrah!
00:33Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Elden Show
00:36It's the Kevin, Kevin Elden Show
00:38And that's the title
00:39Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Elden Show
00:42It's the Kevin, Kevin Elden Show
00:45I'm feeling much revived, I feel ecstatic, hip hooray
00:49In fact I might be going far too much the other way
00:52I think my smile is moving to the stage of overload
00:55Quick, show me something sad or else my face just won't explode
00:59Sad!
01:06Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Elden Show
01:09It's the Kevin, Kevin Elden Show
01:11It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
01:13It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
01:15Kevin, Kevin
01:17Kevin, Kevin
01:19Kevin, Kevin
01:20Kevin, Kevin
01:21Kevin, Kevin
01:22Kevin, Kevin
01:23Kevin
01:24Kevin
01:25Men's hair fashion has come quite a way since the short back and sides our fathers and grandfathers all sported.
01:41Long hair may be with it, but is it a good thing to be with?
01:45Quite apart from the creepy crawlies using long hair as the perfect squatting opportunity.
01:49Yuck! Long hair is also a perfect menace when it comes to eating, skiing, or operating industrial machinery.
01:59From Monday the 1st of May 1972, every male in Britain and Northern Ireland over the age of 14 will be entitled to a National Health Haircut.
02:08A cut will cost you nothing except the time taken to visit your doctor and collect a prescription,
02:13which you'll then be required to present at your nearest National Health Hairdresser.
02:16They can be found at most Chemists, Weybridges, and in the Royal Docks.
02:22There are two cuts, the Disc Jockey and the Ambassador.
02:26Both cuts strike the right balance between trendy and sensible.
02:30You won't look square, but you will look stylish, so use your head.
02:34Have yourself a National Health Haircut.
02:36National Health Haircut
02:40National Health Haircut
02:46Excuse me, is this the waiting room for the world's biggest building competition?
02:51Yes.
02:51All right, thank you.
02:52All right, thank you.
03:22Spagboletti.
03:30Get on with it.
03:32Si.
03:34Ciao.
03:35My name is the great Spagboletti.
03:37All of my life, my archer enemy has been a spaghetti bolognese.
03:41But why do you, an Italian man, hate spaghetti bolognese?
03:46I don't know.
03:46He doesn't know.
03:47So, here you see tank containing spaghetti bolognese, in which I will submerge myself up to my chin.
03:57Wait to see it. It's amazing.
03:58In Italy, when I submerge myself up to my chin, women scream and men punch themselves in the face.
04:05In Milan, the men scream and the women punch themselves in the face.
04:09But that's Milan for you.
04:10Oh, Milan, Milan, Milan.
04:12So, in this way, I show my enemy that I do not fear him.
04:19I shame him, this spaghetti bolognese.
04:23Right, so...
04:23I'll run out of his spit.
04:25You spit, please.
04:26Oh, yes, yes, of course.
04:29Grazie.
04:30Prego.
04:31Right, so, if you'd like to, er...
04:33So, there's, er...
04:36There's not a lot I can actually say to prepare you for this.
04:40So, quite simply, this is the great Spagboletti.
04:45Okay, now I show you, Mr. Meat-based pasta dish.
04:53Right now.
04:55That's right, it's me again.
04:57You thought I'd done it well.
04:59Well, wrong again, you fool.
05:01And I tell you, any second now, you're gonna wish you was never made.
05:05Stay there.
05:06Stay right there.
05:10Hey, did I tell you how much I hate you?
05:13Well, I tell you now, a lot!
05:19Yeah, there is actually usually quite a bit of psyching up before he goes in.
05:24So, while that's going on, here's an interesting fact about the great Spagboletti's homeland.
05:30Like many countries in the Eurozone, Italy is in the grip of an economic downturn.
05:35But in Italy, the down-and-outs don't say any spare change.
05:38They sing things like...
05:40My mother fell in love with a man called Guido.
05:43He was the vineyard owner on the hill.
05:46My father in a terrible rage of a passion.
05:49My mother and Guido did a kill.
05:51Now I am so emotionally vulnerable.
05:54That I cannot work with only crime.
05:56So, give me a beggar just a few spare euros.
05:59Or I'm afraid that I will starve and die.
06:01My father hated you.
06:13My father's father hated you too.
06:16My father's father's father actually quite liked you.
06:21But he was a freak.
06:23And anyway, his father hated you even more than I do.
06:26Great Spagboletti?
06:27Si.
06:28Could you give us a little shout when you're actually going in?
06:31No problem.
06:32Grazie.
06:33Prego.
06:34And now this.
06:35Now my mother, she was ambivalent.
06:39Thank you very much.
06:40Mmm.
06:41This is nice.
06:42What is it?
06:43Liquid.
06:44I love liquid.
06:45Caroline's a bit of a liquid buff, aren't you, love?
06:48Yes, I do like my liquid.
06:49It's fine.
06:50So, what you're driving these days then, a car made by a car manufacturer with various features.
07:00Oh, I forgot to ask, how was a holiday in a hot country far away?
07:07Oh, really nice.
07:08Yeah.
07:09But, well, slightly spoiled rather than by a minor mishap which brought about an embarrassing
07:14yet amusing set of circumstances.
07:16Hey, what about an event?
07:22I know.
07:23I've reacted to it.
07:24I read in a newspaper that it's been going on for a period of time.
07:27Yeah, well, did you see a programme?
07:29Mine said an event was caused by another event.
07:31Well, I have an opinion about it.
07:32Oh, me too.
07:33Well, mine's slightly different from yours.
07:35Well, I didn't have an opinion about it, but I have an opinion about it now, which I've
07:39just made up on the spot.
07:41A thing.
07:43A comment on that thing.
07:44Well, a further comment on that thing.
07:46An unrelated thing.
08:04An unrelated thing.
08:07Here's another one for you.
08:09Knock, knock.
08:11Yes?
08:12Yes.
08:16Doctor, people seem to have a slight difficulty understanding me.
08:19Understanding you?
08:20Understanding me.
08:21Understanding you.
08:22Understanding me.
08:23Understanding you.
08:24Oh, never mind.
08:25Never mind.
08:26Forget it.
08:27Forgoot it.
08:30Doctor's sketch there.
08:32Thanks, Alison.
08:33Ah!
08:34Time for the archive slot.
08:36Archive slot?
08:37All Fall Down was a hard-hitting 1984 television drama written by award-winning playwright Ken
08:47Bleaksdale, and it followed the changing fortunes of a working-class family in recession-hit Liverpool.
08:53Talk to me, Danny.
08:54Why won't you talk to me?
08:56All right, Lizzie.
08:59I'll talk to you.
09:01Our billy's on smack, and I've been laid off.
09:05There.
09:06What are you going to say to that?
09:09I've got AIDS.
09:11Attracting plaudits and criticism in equal measure, All Fall Down's uncompromising grittiness
09:18gave voice to the worries and concerns of the simple everyman.
09:21Like militants, Sandinistas, gravado-trotskyite situationists, to...
09:28Jesus!
09:34Don't happen to be a socialist utopia.
09:38Oh!
09:41But in the final episode, the mood grew somewhat darker.
09:53One fish finger.
09:55That's all there is.
09:57There's just one fish finger.
09:58There's only one fish finger.
10:00There's nothing else but one fish finger.
10:02Here it is.
10:02That's it.
10:03There's just one fish finger, and it's a burnt fish finger.
10:06That's all there is.
10:08Mum.
10:08Dad.
10:09I've got something to say.
10:14I'm pregnant.
10:17And I've got AIDS.
10:20And I'm joining the Young Conservatives.
10:24Finally, viewers were invited to contemplate the unthinkable.
10:29Britain is under nuclear attack from the Soviet Union.
10:36Find shelter immediately.
10:38Repeat.
10:39Britain is under nuclear attack from the Soviet Union.
10:43Find shelter immediately.
10:45Imagine that.
10:49Imagine that.
10:50A sidetracked underclass living in dire poverty, with no work and even less hope.
10:55I'm implying that.
10:57I'm implying that that's still going on in Britain today.
11:01Oh, hello, everybody.
11:04I'm a spaghetti bolognese.
11:08I contain oregano, and I'm a bloody brilliant.
11:13Well, I have news for you.
11:15You're not.
11:16You're rubbish.
11:18There.
11:18What have you to say to that?
11:21Eh?
11:21Nothing.
11:22Nothing.
11:25You have nothing to say to that.
11:28Typical.
11:30Eh?
11:31What would it be like if fascist scum Adolf Hitler had actually had the vocal tone of post-musical
11:36producer George Martin?
11:38Hmm?
11:39Eh?
11:40Wow.
11:41So where did it all go wrong?
11:46Well, I'm sure you've heard a lot of people say that it was when the Japanese became involved.
11:50But that's far from the whole story.
11:54I think we lost a lot of fans when we started getting more experimental.
11:58Suddenly, we weren't the lovable National Socialists anymore.
12:02It was, oh, those crazy Nazis, they're into administering weird drugs now.
12:07And certainly, there were personal differences.
12:10Heydrich, for example, was getting into all this far-out annihilation of consciousness stuff.
12:16In particular, the consciousness of anybody who wasn't German or a Nazi.
12:20Whilst Goering just wanted to play drums.
12:24But whatever.
12:25They were fantastic times.
12:28And I wouldn't have missed them for the world.
12:30Although I suppose it was the world that I was after in the first place.
12:34So I suppose I would have missed them for the world.
12:37But not for anything else.
12:39Not for anything else.
12:44Not for anything.
12:46But I have missed them.
12:48No!
12:49The single thing!
12:52But I have missed them for!
12:54Populatize!
12:57Yeah?
12:58It'll be like that.
12:59For some reason, we've got thousands of Screaming Pillows.
13:13Downstaffed and louder than Jets in reverse.
13:15Buy one Screaming Pillow, get seven free.
13:18Buy seven Screaming Pillows and get 500 free.
13:21That's right.
13:22You heard me.
13:23Absolutely free.
13:24And we'll deliver your Screaming Pillows to your door.
13:27Gratis!
13:28Screaming Pillows.
13:29Get some today!
13:30Have you ever wanted to play a musical instrument like the stars?
13:39Yeah?
13:40It'll take ages.
13:41No, it won't!
13:42Because with Easy Play Teach Yourself Chair and Stick Guidebooks, you can master your favourite
13:47pop hits in minutes.
13:48Why not try the songs of Coldplay, arranged for Chair and Stick?
13:54Or Kate Bush's The Sensual World, arranged for Chair and Stick?
14:00Or the music of Peter Andre, arranged for Chair and Stick?
14:07Just follow our easy system and in no time, you'll be playing Chair and Stick like a professional.
14:12Why not get together with friends and form a band?
14:14Easy Play Teach Yourself Chair and Stick Guidebooks.
14:18Let the music move you.
14:21Chair and Stick not included.
14:26I thought I'd bring Bob an artichoke to thank him for all the hard work he does about the place.
14:32Bob loves artichokes.
14:34Come in.
14:36Hello, Bob.
14:38I thought I'd bring you a word.
14:39Oh, thanks, Kevin.
14:40I love artichokes.
14:42I'll just put it in my locker.
14:44You know what?
14:52Sometimes I wonder if you're making the best use of the space.
14:57Don't you think?
14:59Nah.
15:00I'm going for that fang shu palaver.
15:02Hey.
15:07Say, you keep entrails in your locker.
15:10Oh, yeah.
15:11Oh, yeah.
15:12Right, well, I was just passing by.
15:13So, I'll just go.
15:19Oh.
15:21No, no, no, no.
15:22Oh, oh, oh.
15:23Hang on.
15:23I think our hair's caught, okay?
15:25So, pull out to three.
15:26One, two.
15:27Oh, sorry.
15:28Oh, sorry.
15:30Sorry.
15:31Okay, I'll just...
15:32I'll just...
15:33I'll just...
15:34I'll just...
15:35I'll just...
15:36Car for the arch, Chuck.
15:38Welcome.
15:49Hi. My name is Paul Hamilton, and I am a poet.
15:54And, uh, newsflash, so are you.
15:59This week's poem chronicles a supposedly romantic candlelit dinner for two
16:06which, uh, didn't quite go as planned.
16:10Personal experience.
16:12This is called Hate Date.
16:15You didn't like my gooseberry wine.
16:17You said you'd rather lager.
16:19You said, what's wrong with microwaves, and sneered at my old aga.
16:23You would not watch Wings of Desire, the movie by Vin Vendus.
16:25Instead, the shrieking cockney angst, the foulness of East Enders.
16:30My shirt, my hair, my Rothko prints all claimed your disapproval,
16:33and even my best underpants after trouser removal.
16:36Oh, it surely was not love we made, and not from heaven's scent.
16:40You vomited my mango flan.
16:41You came and came, came one more time.
16:43You punched my cat, then went.
16:54Well, well, well.
16:55It's the white coat window on the world of worldwide wonders
16:57with the winningly wonderful Wendy Wilson.
17:00Wendy, welcome and wow, wow, woo.
17:02Oh, sorry?
17:02How are you?
17:06So, what are we looking at this week?
17:08Tits.
17:09Yes, tits, Kevin.
17:12Which stands for Totally Inquisitive Tone Syndrome.
17:15Oh, and what is this syndrome?
17:18Well, those infected are unable to make a simple statement of fact
17:21without it sounding like a question.
17:23Ugh.
17:24And you've got a sufferer with you here?
17:26Yes, this is Daniel.
17:28Hi, Daniel.
17:28How are you?
17:29I'm fine.
17:31Well, I've no idea if you're fine or not.
17:33I asked you, didn't I?
17:34And there you have it.
17:36Oh, of course it's...
17:37It's tits.
17:38Go on, ask him a question.
17:39OK, Daniel, where do you work?
17:42In a call centre.
17:44You might do.
17:45Sorry, why do you think I would know where you...
17:47Tits.
17:48So, I see you've got Daniel attached to this sort of contraption-y gizmo thing.
17:53What's that?
17:53Well, every time he makes a statement that sounds like a question,
17:57Daniel, tell me what two and two is.
17:59Four?
18:00I just push this button.
18:01Ah!
18:02Ah!
18:05Right, so it was a version therapy.
18:07No, no, I just want to hurt you.
18:08Ah!
18:09The thing is, there are millions like this irritating little maggot,
18:12and it's the fact that they try to make you complicit that gets me so cross.
18:15Watch this.
18:17Daniel, what did you do on Saturday?
18:19I went to the shops.
18:20Now, look at him.
18:21Look at him.
18:22Oh, right, OK, OK, I get it.
18:24OK, so he actually believes that his statement,
18:26I went to the shops,
18:27which for no acceptable reason he made sound like a question,
18:30really was a question,
18:31and now he's waiting for you to give a totally unnecessary answer.
18:33Yes.
18:34Oh, what a crispy wad.
18:36Well, may I?
18:38Please do.
18:38Ah!
18:41Ah!
18:42Oh, and again.
18:43Ah!
18:44Ah!
18:45My turn.
18:48Go, yes, yes.
18:49Ah!
18:51Ah!
18:54Ah!
19:00It's Kevin.
19:05I first met Paul through one of those websites
19:08where people recommend single friends,
19:11and his friend said that he was really nice,
19:13but that he was a bit stupid.
19:15What's that?
19:16It's just a walk.
19:17Oh, where?
19:18Anyway, when I met him,
19:19it turns out he was more than a bit stupid.
19:21Well, I was thrilled,
19:22because I love stupid men.
19:25He's got a tattoo he did on himself
19:27of one of the Jedward boys,
19:28Edward,
19:29because he doesn't like John.
19:30John?
19:30In Jedward.
19:31John, no, they should call themselves Edward.
19:34I've done a tattoo on myself.
19:36There.
19:39I've tried going out with intelligent men,
19:41but they're just so boring.
19:42Oh.
19:43They know when to stop climbing when they go up a ladder.
19:45The floor's got big.
19:46They do calculus, you know.
19:48You want?
19:49Oh.
19:50Oh.
19:51Forgot I was sitting down.
19:52I just feel so lucky.
19:53He votes for Wobbly Boy Singers on the telly.
19:56He queues up to go into Madame Tussauds.
19:58He drinks all the water in the fountain
20:00in the shopping mall.
20:02He is amazingly thick.
20:07He's noticed his leg.
20:09Oh, he's back again.
20:11Oh, he's back again.
20:41Oh, he's back again.
21:11Oh, he's back again.
21:12Oh, he's back again.
21:13Oh, he's back again.
21:14Oh, he's back again.
21:15Oh, he's back again.
21:16Oh, he's back again.
21:17Oh, he's back again.
21:18Oh, he's back again.
21:27Can I help?
21:28Hello.
21:29Yes.
21:30It's this figurine.
21:31Oh, yeah.
21:32The Mr. Nerd.
21:33It's very funny.
21:34Oh, is it?
21:35Well, let's have a listen, shall we?
21:36A female Doctor Who?
21:38Blasphemy.
21:39Blasphemy.
21:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:41What's wrong with smelling like a cabbage?
21:43Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:45I happen to be a nerd.
21:48Oh.
21:49Oh, yeah.
21:50Proud to be a nerd.
21:51Of course.
21:52And this, this obscenity reduces we nerds to one-dimensional clichés.
22:00Star Wars films are brilliant.
22:02There.
22:03I happen to think that Return of the Jedi is slightly below par.
22:08I live in a bed seat.
22:10Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:12Actually, I reside in an attic in a house which belongs to an alcoholic widow.
22:18I'm a virgin.
22:22I collect comics.
22:26Hello, they're called graphic novels.
22:30I've got no friends.
22:32Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
22:36I do, actually. His name is Arche.
22:38He lives in Indonesia and we meet on the Discworlds chat forum every Tuesday and Thursday evening at 1800 Hours GMT.
22:46He lives in Jakarta, where he's the assistant head of the stationery department.
22:52He is the head of the paperclips and staples section, and his main interests are paperclips and staples.
22:58All right.
22:59Here we go.
22:59Here we go.
22:59Here we go.
23:06Here we go.
23:15Hey, you're listening down there, Mr. Polonese.
23:40Think of your worst nightmare.
23:42You're thinking of it?
23:45Now multiply it by a 20 and add 100 and that's what's facing you now.
23:52Oh, boy!
23:54Let's have a look at what's on next week's show.
23:56Here I come, or no, I don't.
23:59Here I come, or no, I don't.
24:01I'll be haunting a teddy bear's nest.
24:03We research the top 10 most callous ringtones.
24:12At number 10, a man falling off a stepladder.
24:20And mothers-in-law.
24:21Are they really extinct?
24:23We go in search of the politically incorrect comedy staple.
24:27Look, look, look, there she is.
24:28And now to play us out, a song about bullying in the workplace.
24:39And there's nothing funny about that.
24:41You're ready?
24:41I work in a supermarket on the outskirts of the town.
24:55It's a steady job and I earn a few bob, but this one thing brings me down.
25:00My section supervisor is a man whose name is Brad.
25:05He's rude and he's crude, often in a bad mood, and that makes me kind of sad.
25:11He makes me fill the big deep freezer every single day.
25:15I shiver and I shake and it's hard to take, but there's nothing I can say.
25:20He mocks my trousers in the canteen and he clips my ear.
25:25Spits in my cup and trips me up and I live my life in fear.
25:30But I will kidnap Brad and I will drive him to a derelict barn.
25:35I will tie him to a hayrick with a sturdy length of yarn.
25:40Then I will make a big jam sandwich.
25:42I will place it on the floor.
25:45Very soon Brad will get peckish.
25:47Then one thing I know for sure.
25:50He will see that big jam sandwich lying there upon the hay.
25:54How I want that big jam sandwich is what Brad is bound to say.
25:59But I will take that big jam sandwich.
26:02Mmm, I'll say this looks delish.
26:04I think that this big jam sandwich would make quite a tasty dish.
26:08Then I will eat that big jam sandwich right before his very eyes.
26:13That will teach that Brad some manners.
26:16That will cut him down to size.
26:18Then Brad will respect me.
26:23Then Brad will respect me, I hope.
26:27Then Brad will be back.
26:30Then Brad will be back.
26:32Then Brad will respect me, I hope.
26:34Then Brad will be back.
26:35And Brad will be back.
26:41Come on, Brad will be back.
26:45I don't know.
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