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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a program about things that are
00:26happening, things like this. Thanks to depressing goings on in North Africa, the world has a new
00:31number one bogeyman and it's this guy, Mokhtar Belmokhtar, a Bin Laden 2.0 whose cheery face
00:37was scarcely off the news. There's also concern about the grim situation in Mali, although if
00:41there's one thing we should have learned from Mali, it's that every little thing is going to be all
00:45right. A major achievement for Iran's aerospace research, the country has successfully sent a
00:51capsule containing a monkey into space. Iran enjoyed heartwarming coverage, improving its
00:56international image a hundredfold by strapping a terrified primate to a plank and flinging it at
01:01the sun. Absolutely disgraceful. And speaking of disgrace. Hey, hey, are you ready to play? It's time
01:09to come and play with the tweenies. There was outrage as the BBC clumsily broadcast an episode of the
01:14otherwise cute children's show, The Tweenies, featuring an unfortunate Jimmy Savile impersonation
01:19prompting a barrage of complaints. Hello, all you teddy guys and girls out there. Oh,
01:24welcome to the... It's weird, really, if you ask me, that people complained about that, but no one said
01:29a thing when ITV's London Tonight just casually confronted viewers with footage of another risible
01:35cartoon figure wearing Jimmy Savile's hair. But we start here. For years, yellow jersey mannequin Lance
01:42Armstrong was a hero to millions. He won the Tour de France seven times, despite, as the coverage implied,
01:48having asthma, and being so sick he needed constant attention from doctors. His was a fairy tale story,
01:54albeit the kind of fairy tale which starts with a hero losing a testicle to cancer. Yet throughout
01:58his career, he was dogged by rumours that he might be the cycling equivalent of a value range burger,
02:03a dumb chunk of meat containing substances of dubious origin. Rumours which, as ITN forensically
02:09revealed, were curtly dismissed whenever they were put to him. Lance Armstrong said sorry before,
02:14but only as a form of attack. I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry you can't dream big, and I'm sorry you don't
02:19believe in miracles. I believe in miracle drugs. Now, having been stripped of his jerseys, the news got
02:24to gorge on all the ghastly details of his fall from grace. According to reports in America this
02:29morning, Lance Armstrong's admitted doping during a TV interview. Jesus, doping during a TV interview?
02:35This guy had a problem. Yes, Armstrong was set to confess all to fearsome inquisitoris Oprah Winfrey
02:41in an encounter that was trailed like a pay-per-view smackdown.
02:44Oprah, Lance Armstrong, no holds barred. Although the way Oprah described it to inquisitive breakfast
02:52shows made it sound less like a fight and more like an erotic encounter.
02:56At the end of it, two and a half, literally two and a half hours, we both were pretty exhausted,
03:03and I would say I was satisfied. It also sounds like the interview had quite a messy climax.
03:09He did not come clean in the manner that I expected. Ugh. The interview itself was a sexless
03:16and forlorn affair in which Armstrong, visibly morphing into Tony Blair, which is what Years
03:20of Lying does to you, answered questions with the searing honesty of an unfeeling machine.
03:25Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?
03:29Yes.
03:30Was one of those banned substances EPO?
03:33Yes.
03:34Well done, you're through to the bonus round. Are you a crushing disappointment to millions?
03:39Yes.
03:40Correct, you've won seven pints of virgin's blood. But Armstrong wasn't totally emotionless,
03:45no, he visibly buckled when recalling how he had to tell his son that the rumours were true.
03:50I told Luke, I said, Luke, I am your father.
03:58There was also the inelegant manner in which he apologised to former friend Betsy Andrew,
04:03who he'd viciously turned on.
04:04I said, listen, I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. I called you all these things.
04:10But I never called you fat.
04:12You, sir, are a gentleman bully.
04:14Perhaps not surprisingly, Betsy herself appeared unimpressed when CNN delightedly relayed Lance's
04:19comments, and she addressed him directly as a consequence.
04:22You owed it to me, Lance, and you dropped the ball.
04:25Oh, now let's not bring his ball into it.
04:27Still, never mind how people who actually knew him felt. Most importantly, the news wanted
04:31to know what people on or near bicycles thought about it, and they quickly went about rounding
04:35up their opinions.
04:36I teach kids and, you know, my students have a lot of respect for him.
04:43Do you reckon they respect your hat?
04:45And I feel like he's not setting a good example for the people that they mean the most to,
04:51you know, and that lets me down in general.
04:53Oh, boo-hoo! You know what? We hear a lot about the people Lance Armstrong's let down.
04:58You never hear about all the liars he's inspired.
05:01Having exhausted the pool of people riding bicycles outdoors, they moved inside, asking
05:05people at bike shops what they thought of Lie Strong.
05:08As a human being, I think he's a jerk.
05:11Would I ride with him?
05:12Yeah, I don't care. I know plenty of jerks.
05:14In the wake of the negative blanket coverage of their sport, it's hard to know if cyclists
05:18will ever regain their innate dignity.
05:20So how can cyclists go forward from here?
05:23Well, by pedalling, probably.
05:24But even if bikes are a bad scene, not all sport is evil.
05:27No, some of it is good, clean fun.
05:30The Olympics were 10,000 years ago, yet the depressed population of Austerity Britain still
05:35craves their feel-good glow.
05:37That's why TV's still throwing things that are sort of Olympic in your direction.
05:41Things like this.
05:42Tonight, Olympic hero Tom Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive head-to-heading
05:48foot into the most terrifying challenge of their lives.
05:52Falling doesn't get tougher than this.
05:54Yes, in what is the most unedifying example of celebrity plummeting since Rod Hull, ITV
06:00have unveiled Splash, starring the nation's favourite CGI Pixar boy Tom Daley, seen here
06:05walking around in his pants like a bloke who's misplaced his locker key.
06:09Tom Daley is brilliant at falling into water.
06:12Most people flail their arms around and shout, oh, shit, when they fall into water, but not
06:16Tom Daley, no, he's taught himself not to do that using mental processes.
06:20Here he is talking us through the intense drama of falling into water in the manner of someone
06:24under hypnosis recounting a previous life.
06:26When I step out poolside, I can smell the chlorine.
06:30I start to climb the steps.
06:32My heart is racing.
06:36I'm on the edge.
06:38My world stops.
06:39I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall into the water.
06:46Apart from falling into water, Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly
06:50famous human beings how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully odourless turds.
06:56At times, you sense what ITV really want to broadcast is celebrity stripping, but Ofcom
06:59said no, so they cleaned it with chlorine and put it on Saturday night.
07:03I suspect the whole thing was a TV experiment to find out if celebrities are affected by
07:07the law of gravity and whether they fall quicker if they're more famous.
07:10There's probably people around the back in lab coats writing all the findings down and
07:13passing it on to future generations.
07:15Basically, what I'm saying is Splash is increasing human wisdom by a factor of at least 40%.
07:20The falls they do are impressively complex.
07:23Sometimes they have to perform flips and turns, which is hard, and other times they have to
07:27impersonate somebody illegally dumping a dead horse in the canal or someone who's being
07:31executed by a single gunshot to the head on the side of a dredger, which is even harder.
07:36Then it's over to the judges to decide how good they were at falling.
07:39Two of the judges are experts at falling, and one of them's Joe Brand, whose main qualification
07:44to judge a diving contest is that, like all humans, she's 98% water.
07:48Of course, the intrinsic problem is that diving doesn't last very long.
07:51With only a few two-second money shots and a 90-minute show, the programme's forced to
07:55add more dubious filler than a Tesco value burger.
07:58That's why we're treated to underwhelming backstage VTs chronicling their belly-flopping
08:02journey, and repeated slow-motion shots of each dive.
08:06In fact, it's only really enlivened by revealing questioning from Gabby Logan.
08:10Listen, getting hit in the ring must hurt.
08:13Hitting the water looks pretty painful too.
08:15What's worse?
08:15That's a personal question.
08:17There are also interminable poolside street dance sequences, because people in telly seem
08:21to think you can make anything seem contemporary and entertaining by drizzling a bit of f***ing
08:25street dance onto it.
08:26Seriously, the day we finally broadcast live hangings, you'll see these pricks doing this
08:30s*** round the f***ing gallows.
08:32Splash is actually from Dutchland.
08:34The Dutchanese came up with it first, and their version looks exactly the same, but the
08:37people falling in it are larger.
08:38And they're still sort of celebrities, but only in Dutch.
08:41And because they all speak in Dutch, it's the sort of thing that should be on BBC4, really,
08:45because it's basically the same as Borgen, but with gravity in it.
08:51Splash certainly generated some online commentary, which we'll explore now in a regular part
08:55of the show in which we take a look at the kind of entirely reasonable things people are
08:59saying online about the issues of the day.
09:01It's your words, your mindset.
09:03Hey, it's what you think.
09:04It's points off of you in points off you.
09:07Yes, Linda Barker on the dramatic and entertaining Splash, her body raised eyebrows and generated
09:18much online noise, although not everyone was impressed.
09:22For instance, Russ from Lancashire visited the Mail Online website to say,
09:27I'm stunned by the reaction to Linda's body.
09:29What's the fuss all about?
09:31She's as straight as a plank with only a couple of fried eggs to put into that bikini of hers,
09:35that's her told.
09:35In the close-up camera shots, she looks every one of her 51 years.
09:41Russ there apparently quite angry that a woman he doesn't know has received compliments on
09:44her physique, but I'd say you've put her firmly in her place, Russ, her 51-year-old place.
09:50Well done.
09:51Ria from London chips in to say,
09:53She seems to be a bit of an exhibitionist.
09:55I notice she holds her arms above her head, whether it's to wave or if she's running alongside
10:00the pool.
10:00I'm guessing she does this to elongate her torso and make it look slimmer.
10:06Ah, well spotted, Ria.
10:08Well, should I call you Sherlock Holmes?
10:10Yes.
10:10As you can see from this revealing footage, not only does deceptive Linda raise her arms,
10:16but when she cynically jumps into the water, the waves distort the light, thereby further
10:21masking the shape of her liar's carcass.
10:23Good point, Ria, and it's good to see women turning on each other.
10:27Finally, a real-life Barker encounter for Linda Barker fans, Hannah took to Twitter to
10:32say,
10:33I once asked Linda Barker for her autograph for a dare.
10:37She was dressed entirely in peach silk.
10:39It was 2002.
10:41Well, thanks, Hannah.
10:42A fascinating glimpse there into your life and Linda's.
10:46There was this amazing programme about Africa, right?
10:49All about this country called Africa, which is why they called it that.
10:53There's always charity things saying Africa's full of starving people and you should send
10:58them your money, but that must be a con because you could see from the footage, no one actually
11:02lives in Africa.
11:03It flies over for ages and there's literally no one there.
11:07And the reason no one's there is it's full of monsters.
11:10There's like sort of hairy men monsters and tall horse monsters that run around like deck
11:14chairs would if deck chairs ran.
11:16And these vagina head monsters that fight in ponds.
11:19It's really frightening.
11:20I'm glad it's miles away.
11:22Normally, animals are in zoos where people give them a sense of purpose by throwing nuts at
11:27them and watching them do tricks.
11:29But because there's no people left in Africa, the animals have gone mad.
11:34Like the elephants attack each other with their mouth sticks and the tall horse monsters have
11:41these head fighting competitions that look like they'd filmed Rocky inside two giraffes
11:45by mistake.
11:46It was a bit with a monkey and his bum was a state, right?
11:49It was all ragged.
11:50It looked like he'd been shitting, I don't know, metal hexagons or something to get an
11:54asshole that torn up.
11:55But there's no doctors in the jungle, so he has to just walk around with it like that.
11:58It's so bleak.
12:00You can tell the animals are depressed.
12:02Some of them are just smashing stuff up.
12:05Some of them can't eat anymore.
12:06You know, some of them can't hack it, so they just lie around.
12:10There was this gazelle that had hung itself.
12:12It'd show you amazing things you didn't know, like how gazelles can float and how baby ostriches
12:18dance to music.
12:19And how when a cricket falls on the floor, it makes a massive noise like it's made of
12:24metal.
12:24Just like how Who Framed Roger Rabbit had all the cartoons in it, this had all the animals,
12:33all the famous animals crammed in together so the personalities clash in the jungle like
12:38I'm a Celebrity.
12:40And they eat horrible things too, just like I'm a Celebrity.
12:43But they don't mind if they taste of animals, because they're all resi animals, so they
12:48can't taste it.
12:50They nicked all this other stuff from reality shows.
12:53Like, they have infrared night camera, like on Big Brother, so you can see what they do
12:57at night when they've been drinking.
12:59He may have style, but he's turning out to be something of a disappointment.
13:04It's incredible what you learn, like, I discovered that no matter how majestic and incredible
13:11nature is, if my phone beeps, I can just ignore Africa and check my texts without even thinking.
13:17So really, if the environment goes to shit and all those animals die, you know, I think
13:23I'll be able to carry on.
13:25In the wake of recent massacres, America has been asking itself searching questions about
13:29its apparent addiction to guns.
13:31There are now so many tragic mass shootings, they actually air public information films
13:35telling you how to survive.
13:37I'm not making this up.
13:46It may feel like just another day at the office, but occasionally, life feels more like an action
13:54movie than reality.
13:56This helpful video, which looks a bit like the most harrowing episode of the American
14:00Office ever made, teaches you how to react if a man with a shotgun goes berserk in your
14:04workplace.
14:05Apparently, you should run.
14:06If you can't run, if you can't run, you should hide, and if you can't hide, well, and commit
14:12to taking the shooter down, no matter what.
14:18Disgraceful.
14:18Look at that.
14:18There's four of them and only one of him.
14:21Cowards.
14:22Looking at this, it's little wonder the calls for tighter gun controls are growing louder.
14:26Well, they have to be loud to be heard over the constant sound of gunfire and screaming.
14:29It's a hot-button issue that's livened up Piers Morgan's CNN show considerably as pro-gun
14:34guests turn up to shout at him.
14:36And I'm here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms.
14:42The whole thing's become a sort of interactive game show where the viewer has to decide who
14:45the biggest prick is.
14:47I don't know.
14:47Is it the shouty prick or the slimy prick?
14:49I just don't know.
14:51This week, thousands marched on Washington to call for stricter gun control.
14:55We will not step back!
14:59I wish you would.
15:00I can hear you from here.
15:01And I'm in Britain.
15:03But gun control faces an uphill struggle because some sections of US society seem to love guns
15:07more than their own children, and they feel under threat.
15:11If only gun owners had some means of defending themselves.
15:14Fox News did their bit for trigger lovers with a QVC-style rundown of some of the most popular
15:19killing machines on the market, showcased by a hot Marx woman, seen here demonstrating the
15:24type of gun used in the Sandy Hook massacre.
15:26Probably one of the most popular rifles in the US right now, thanks to all the media attention.
15:30Yeah, you know what?
15:31I don't know that the media coverage has made it popular with everyone.
15:34Everyone says it's so big and scary, but that simply, these are cosmetic features that
15:39have no bearing on the firearms functions at all.
15:43Although, just to be clear, those firearms functions will kill you.
15:46My five-year-old nephew harvested his first deer about a month ago with my competition
15:50rifle, and he was able to make this fit him.
15:53There you go.
15:54So simple a child could use it, but not outrun it.
15:57Still, the young guns do start young in the US, and their guns aren't quite so cosmetically
16:02terrifying as 5 News graphically demonstrated.
16:05This one is pinky.
16:06It's my pink 22 AR-15.
16:09And then this one is pinky-licious, my pink 22-chambered pistol.
16:16But not all kids like guns.
16:17In emotive scenes on CNN, Obama announced his plans for gun control, flanked by children
16:22who'd contacted him to ask him to do something.
16:24You know, in the letter that Julia wrote me, she said, I know that laws have to be passed
16:31by Congress, but I beg you to try very hard.
16:37Julia, I will try very hard.
16:39Oh, brave move.
16:40Resurrecting the Jim will fix it format in this day and age.
16:43The National Rifle Association also uses kids in the row, as in this bullish advert, accusing
16:48Obama of hypocrisy because his children have armed guards.
16:51Are the President's kids more important than yours?
16:55Uh, yeah.
16:56Charismatic NRA spokesman Wayne Lapierre also did his bit in a startling speech in which
17:01he claimed the only way to stop gun massacres in schools was to put more guns in schools
17:05because...
17:05The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
17:13So what you're saying is, when the bad guy turns the gun on himself, he becomes a good
17:18guy and dies a hero.
17:20He also blamed old computer games.
17:23Vicious, violent video games with names like Bulletstorm, Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat
17:33and Splatterhouse.
17:36Although for some reason this NRA spokes twat failed to mention certain games which had
17:40the news exercising their right to be up in arms.
17:43The National Rifle Association has taken the controversial step of launching its own video game.
17:47Yes, NRA practice range is intended to teach youngsters to shoot and it's not the only
17:52NRA game.
17:53A few years back they released this, NRA Varmint Hunter, which encourages the player to bravely
17:57murder unarmed critters like a big brave hero.
18:00Quick it poses, no threat.
18:01Kill it.
18:02Hero.
18:03Looking at all of that, it's hard to work out why anyone would want to even live in America
18:08anymore.
18:08Well, here's someone who does.
18:10It's US comedian and drunk Doug Stanhope.
18:13He's going to convince you that the USA is great, apparently.
18:16I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
18:27America is fucking great, and it really is.
18:30I know you don't want to hear this from me, but that's the truth.
18:34Brits love to bitch about America, and they love to hate America.
18:37The government and the wars and the torture.
18:40But that's not life here.
18:42Come on.
18:42Life in America is actually fantastic.
18:44Everything works.
18:46Come here.
18:47I want you to be here.
18:48Just get a nonstop from Heathrow.
18:50Go directly to Florida.
18:52Walk down that ramp, and tell me if you can't immediately sense something's really good here.
18:57Rent a car.
18:58Get a convertible.
19:00Fill up the tank.
19:01Look at the price.
19:02Fucking $11 a gallon over there.
19:04Look at the price.
19:05You're going to fill up your tank.
19:06You're going to fill up the back seat as well, just because it's that fucking cheap comparatively.
19:12Drive down big, empty highways.
19:14Drive to the beach.
19:16There'll be a half a dozen cabana bars open.
19:18It's only 8 o'clock in the morning.
19:20And they're waving at you.
19:22They're smiling at you, and they're waving for you to come on in.
19:25They want you to be there, because they don't know yet that you don't tip.
19:30Come on in.
19:31Come on in.
19:33Have a seat at the bar.
19:34She's going to hand you a big breakfast menu.
19:36It's this big.
19:37You know what we have for traditional American breakfast?
19:40Choices.
19:41Yeah.
19:42Lots of choices.
19:44You want some eggs?
19:44How do you want them done?
19:45We can do them 10 different ways.
19:47You want French toast?
19:47You want waffle?
19:48Pancakes?
19:49We have chocolate chip pancakes.
19:50They'll put a whipped cream smiley face right on there for your fucking British ass.
19:54So maybe you want a whipped cream frowny face to match that dour expression.
20:00You're still trying to fight liking it here.
20:04Order a cocktail, and she's going to do something you've never seen before.
20:07She's going to pour it like this, and she's going to go up and down, and she keeps pouring it.
20:12How can this possibly be right?
20:14In the UK, when you order a mixed drink, some scientist pops out of the floorboards
20:19in a lab coat and a system of weights and measures and a fucking stainless steel cylinder
20:26that assures that you will not get any more, even the vapors of more than one measured ounce
20:31in your fucking $15 cocktail.
20:35Life here is really fucking good.
20:38Yeah, we have a lot of dumb people here, but you can afford to be dumb here.
20:42Everything makes sense.
20:43You're lost.
20:44You don't know where you are.
20:46Where are you?
20:4777th Street?
20:48Go a block.
20:48You know what's next?
20:5078th Street!
20:51It makes sense.
20:52You don't have to think.
20:53It's not like your roads that are all crisscross and mishmash, and they're all built 1,100 years
20:57ago for donkeys and carts, and you don't know where the hell you are or where you're going.
21:02Hitler did his best to help the UK and level that country flat so they could start over
21:09like an extreme country makeover, and what did the Brits do?
21:14They spat in Hitler's face and built it back brick by brick exactly the way it was 1,100
21:23years ago when it didn't make sense.
21:25Come to America.
21:26You can stay on my couch.
21:28If you don't like it after a week, I'll give you your money back.
21:31My God, amazing.
21:34Now here's something else that may or may not be amazing.
21:36I don't know.
21:37I haven't seen it.
21:37It's just a generic link.
21:38It starts now.
21:40The original Django movie was an ultra-violent spaghetti western so full of this kind of carnage
21:44it was banned in Britain for many years.
21:46Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained, however, is an outrageous action movie set against the
21:51laugh-a-minute backdrop of slavery.
21:54Hello, you poor devils.
21:55It stars Jamie Foxx as the eponymous Django, a slave-freed and mentored by the idiosyncratic
22:02bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz.
22:04After making money in the bad-guy shooting industry, Django and Schultz set out to rescue
22:08Django's missing wife, Brumhilda, from the clutches of racist shitbag Leonardo DiCaprio
22:12and his uncle Tom Housemaster, played by Samuel L. Jackson, disguised as Uncle Ben of 3-Minute
22:16Rice fame.
22:18You're scaring me.
22:20Why is I'm scaring you?
22:21Maybe she's racist.
22:22Django plays fast and loose with anything resembling facts in a similar vein to Inglourious
22:26Bastards, which also ran around with a history book on its head farting the A-Team theme tune.
22:31Like bastards, Django is both grim and hilarious and contains both the tensest and funniest
22:36moments you'll see on a cinema screen this year, and a bit where a naked man has his penis
22:40shot off.
22:41You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.
22:44Basically, it makes slavery worth it.
22:47Joining me now to talk about Django are stand-up Susan Kalman and human fact-factory Richard
22:51Osmond from Pointless, who has slaves himself.
22:55I do, yeah, I do.
22:56So, this is the second film in a row where Tarantino has basically driven a bus through
23:01quite a sensitive topic, because, I mean, Inglourious Bastards it was Nazis, this time
23:06it's slavery.
23:08I thought it was great.
23:08I mean, it's the same film as Inglourious Bastards, it's identical.
23:10I was really pleasantly surprised how much I laughed in it as well.
23:14It's a film about slavery, but it's funny about slavery.
23:18But you know what?
23:18Genuinely, on a serious point, he's made a film about slavery that people are going to
23:21go and watch.
23:22It's actually quite recent past, and you do forget what happened.
23:25Yes, but, I mean, come on.
23:26It's not exactly a border-tight historical document.
23:29No, but then, okay, so Spielberg made Amistad, and, you know, that's a proper, almost sort
23:33of documentary-style, you know, counter of slavery, exactly.
23:36But, you know, I haven't watched it.
23:38Yeah.
23:38So, Amistad is a worthy film, is what you're basically saying.
23:40You wouldn't go and see a worthy film about slavery, but you'll go and see a cartoon where
23:45a man gets his penis shot off.
23:46Well, I'm not going to see a film about slavery, essentially.
23:48I'm going to see a Quentin Tarantino film, as are lots of people.
23:51And, you know, it made me think about slavery for...
23:53Because you don't care about slaves?
23:54Wow.
23:55Oh.
23:56It sounds a bit like you don't really care about...
23:58What you're saying is, I'll care about slavery if you throw in enough people having their
24:03penises shut off to amuse me.
24:05Me, the king.
24:06Like, amuse me.
24:07Come on, I demand entertainment before I'll even remember your suffering.
24:12Afterwards, I thought for 45 to 50 seconds about slavery.
24:16You thought about it before.
24:18Which I wouldn't have done.
24:19And also, across the country, lots of people thinking for 45 seconds about slavery, and
24:22that all adds up.
24:22There's been a lot of talk about the amount of violence in the film, and in films in general.
24:27There's a particular shootout in it where there's a guy he uses as a kind of human shield
24:31who just explodes like a bag of blood.
24:33And I was kind of helpless with laughter at that.
24:36Is that because I'm unhinged, or what?
24:39Why wasn't the violence disturbing?
24:41Well, it's not disturbing.
24:42I wouldn't say it's hilarious.
24:44It wasn't, you know, top 10 comedy moments, Dale Boy falling through a bar laughter.
24:48But it was funny in that it was quite cartoonish.
24:53There was so much.
24:53At one point, it was like someone throwing red paint at the screen.
24:56There's a lot of blood.
24:57Whoever's in charge of the blood did a really good job.
24:59But having done the Nazis and made the Nazis fun, and having done slavery and made slavery
25:04fun, what could Tarantino possibly tackle next?
25:08I'd like to see him doing the suffragettes.
25:09When you say doing the suffragettes, what do you mean?
25:11Well, not him doing the suffragettes.
25:13I would like to see Tarantino's take upon the suffragette movement, because they were
25:18actually quite violent, some of the suffragettes.
25:20Were they?
25:21They blew up churches, and also it was quite vicious the way they force-fed them through
25:25the mouth and also tried to feed them through the anus.
25:28They force-fed suffragettes through the anus?
25:30Through the anus.
25:30That's absolutely true.
25:32That's not biologically possible.
25:34Well, they didn't know a lot in those days, though.
25:36I'm not saying one would do it now.
25:38One wouldn't force-feed a woman through the anus now.
25:41It honestly feels to me this discussion is for the red button.
25:44Well, thank you very much for joining me.
25:47It's time to end this bit, which I've done really smoothly like that.
25:50Go away.
25:51Now, we're going to look at this.
25:58Excitement in the USA as President Barack Obama is sworn in as President of the United
26:03St-
26:04The Office of President of the United States.
26:07The Office of President of the United States.
26:09And-
26:10Demonstrating far better control of her lips, popular songstress and bum owner Beyonce rounded
26:14off the spectacle by belting out the National Anthem.
26:24But then controversy, as some claimed Beyonce had lip-synced the words.
26:27And a fierce debate broke out across the news channels, as everyone debated whether this
26:31was right or wrong, or even mattered.
26:33Did she fake it?
26:35And if so, why should we care?
26:37Still, whether live or pre-recorded, there's no denying Beyonce makes a sweeter sound than
26:41Mr. President ever will.
26:43I mean, Beyonce can hit a pitch-perfect high note.
26:46The best Obama can do is let out a sort of ugly drone that kills everyone in the village.
26:55Royalty!
26:55And as Lord Harrington Wales completes his tour of duty, Sky News treats us to an intimate
27:00tour of beauty.
27:01As we saw just what he's been up to down Soldier Town Way.
27:04When not machine-gunning shepherds from the skies, Harry's job seems to largely consist
27:08of dressing up as Pippi Longstocking and playing FIFA on the PlayStation.
27:12Surprised he's got a PlayStation, I'd have thought he'd use a royal Wii.
27:16I'm one of those people that loves playing PlayStation and Xbox, so with my thumbs, I like to think
27:21that I'm probably quite useful.
27:22Harry's apparently flippant comparison between killing the Taliban and playing a video game
27:27didn't go down that brilliantly.
27:29Still, it's hard to fathom what people thought he was doing in Afghanistan, since Apache helicopters
27:33are a bit killy, as his army life in general, which is why he's got so much fearsome equipment.
27:38This is really just a flying gun, and he's in charge of it.
27:42He's got a big cannon under his cockpit, a handgun on his waist, and a terrifying four-colour
27:47Bic pen strapped to his shoulder.
27:49He can write in red, green, blue or black.
27:51Take that, Taliban!
27:52Actually, Harry spent most of the interview complaining more about the media than the Taliban.
27:56God knows why he hates the press so much.
27:58I mean, all they've done is hack his brother's voicemail, print photos of his bum, call him
28:01a Nazi and be implicated in the tragic death of his mother when he was 12 years old.
28:05I mean, get over it.
28:07Although, to be fair, the media do get things wrong.
28:09Sky News don't even seem to know his name.
28:11They think he's called Andy.
28:13Andy's off, away from the cameras and the questions.
28:16Captain Wales runs back to the life he's come to love.
28:20Oh, sorry, I forgot you were still there.
28:24That's about all we've got time for this week.
28:27Until then, go away.
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