- 1 day ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:20Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe A Programme
00:24all about things that are happening. Things like this.
00:27Human, pub and education minister Michael Gove has been under attack.
00:32Critics say he's been giving jobs to his friends,
00:34which isn't mathematically possible.
00:36Child abuse allegations against Woody Allen resurface.
00:39Woody? Could he? Did he?
00:42Woody Allen has denied the allegations against him,
00:44calling them disgraceful,
00:46which I think was one of the kinder poster quotes for Match Point.
00:49Stunning scenes as Amanda Knox is found guilty again.
00:52As far as many are concerned, there's still no clear verdict.
00:55Do we like her new Bob or not?
00:57Don't know about you, but I definitely would
00:59instigate extradition proceedings at the earliest opportunity.
01:02Yet more weather misery.
01:04Somerset now contains more water than supermarket-owned brand ham.
01:08In gripping faintly medieval Sky News coverage,
01:10Prince Charles arrived on a mobile throne
01:12to see if he could kink and newt the water away,
01:14but only managed to star in a depressing repeat
01:16of the 2012 Thames pageant.
01:18That's the kind of thing that's been going on,
01:20but we start with the Winter Olympics,
01:22an event that's going to be almost unbearably exciting
01:25if, like me, you find mankind's ability
01:27to slide on ice inherently fascinating.
01:29This year's Snowy Games are being held in Russia,
01:31home of one-man charm offensive Vladimir Putin,
01:34that the Games have run into controversy
01:36before they've even begun.
01:37Given recent terrorist incidents,
01:39security is obviously a prime concern,
01:41but the reported $50 billion cost is also problematic.
01:44Another stumbling block is Russia's attitude towards gay people.
01:47You'd think Russia would be accepting of homosexuality
01:50given one of their national heroes, Tchaikovsky,
01:52was homosexual himself.
01:54And also Red Square's soap camp,
01:56it looks like an even gayer Disneyland.
01:58As recently as 2008, Russia won the Gay Olympics,
02:01i.e. Eurovision, leading to triumphant and inspiring scenes
02:04as their gold medalist figure skating champion,
02:07Yevgeny Plushenko, joined Russell Howard in a black wig
02:10lookalike Dima Bilan on stage in a routine that incredibly,
02:13and indeed impossibly, made the Eurovision Song Contest
02:16look ten times gayer than it is.
02:19But now Russia's passed an anti-gay propaganda bill,
02:22which controversially links homosexuality with paedophilia,
02:25thus playing into extremist prejudices.
02:27This in a country where authorities are already accused
02:29of turning a blind eye to shocking neo-Nazi attacks
02:32on suspected gay people.
02:34Thanks to the bill, the notoriously tough Russian cops
02:36must now arrest anyone who's promoting homosexuality,
02:39and it's not clear what that means.
02:41Does it mean, for instance, anyone wearing a uniform
02:43with the word homo printed backwards on it?
02:46I mean, presumably they'll definitely be rounding up
02:48the butch hunks of Russia's own interior ministry,
02:50because they recently uploaded a very camp YouTube video
02:53in which they don uniforms and perform a popular disco hit,
02:56just like the village people.
02:58She's up all night to the sun.
03:00I'm up all night to get sun.
03:02She's up all night for good fun.
03:04I'm up all night to get lucky.
03:06Of course, in Russia, a gay person is considered
03:08to have got lucky at the end of the night
03:10if they made it home alive.
03:11Depressingly, lots of Russians seem to think
03:13paedophiles and homosexuals are the same thing.
03:16In worrying scenes, ITN caught up with the none-too-bright leader
03:19of an anti-gay vigilante group
03:21who's essentially a Russian Philomena kunk.
03:23Based on my personal statistics, 80% of paedophiles
03:28we catch are homosexuals.
03:30Personal statistics.
03:31I think that's a complex numerological term
03:33for numbers you've just pulled out of your arse.
03:35Channel 4 News caught up with one of the anti-gay law's authors,
03:38a sort of ginger David Brent with a curiously small office.
03:41Seriously, it looks like he's stuck in some sort of closet.
03:44Captain Hate here is convinced gays are after children.
03:47Why do they need our minors?
03:49Why cannot you survive just having your...
03:52same-sex friend, having your common disease,
03:56together with him, venerological disease or AIDS,
03:59and to live with him?
04:00You know what?
04:01I assumed this guy would be intolerant,
04:03but when you actually hear him lay out his case like this,
04:06he's really quite insane.
04:07One man who definitely won't be falling foul of any anti-gay law
04:10is President Vladimir Putin,
04:12who as the eye-opening blanket coverage
04:14comprehensively proves is 100% straight.
04:17He's a one-man heterosexual mega bloke,
04:20repeatedly pictured in thrilling scenes,
04:22shooting his bolt, gripping his joystick,
04:24enjoying a ride with some leather men,
04:26practising his disco hustle,
04:28stretching his pelvis,
04:29picking up a man and tossing him off,
04:31riding bareback with some cowpokes,
04:33getting stuck into a cockpit with his helmet all popping out the top,
04:36fisting an entire male hockey team,
04:38and squeezing right up behind a young man,
04:40holding on tight and shooting all the way up the pipe.
04:42They don't get straighter than him.
04:44Look, he's only kissing this fish because it's a woman.
04:48Putin's Winter Games are now on a collision course
04:50with the anti-gay propaganda law,
04:51and it's not hard to see why.
04:53I mean, just look at the double luge,
04:55which, as you can tell from this forensic, dazzling and exciting coverage,
04:58is possibly the only sport in the world
04:59where two men could comfortably have anal sex in front of an audience
05:02without anyone really noticing.
05:04And they get to have a nice lie-down and a tender cuddle.
05:07Oh.
05:08Russia has no openly gay athletes,
05:10a ridiculously outmoded state of affairs,
05:12a bit like Britain in the 1920s,
05:14or the Premier League today.
05:16But will gay athletes from overseas
05:18be welcome at the Sochi Olympics?
05:20Well, the mayor of Sochi did his best to allay concerns
05:22by announcing there's no homophobia at all in Sochi,
05:25but only because there's no gay people at all in Sochi.
05:28We don't have them in our town.
05:30You don't have them in the town?
05:32You sure?
05:34I'm not sure.
05:36I don't bloody know them.
05:38I went to a gay bar last night.
05:40Oh, hello.
05:41You're in there.
05:42The mixed messages about what sort of reception gays can expect
05:45continued in these unusual scenes
05:47when President Putin sat down with a bunch of Olympic volunteers
05:49dressed like a gay Cirque du Soleil
05:51to say homosexuals are welcome to visit the games
05:53if, if, they can leave kids alone.
05:56That's why you can feel free, relaxed, but leave children in peace, please.
06:02But if you're heterosexual, feel free to bother them.
06:05This kind of statement led to further negative headlines for Russia,
06:08so to calm nerves Putin held a charming journalistic coffee morning
06:11to answer questions on gay rights.
06:13Questions like whether homosexuality is a lifestyle decision
06:16or just the way you're born.
06:17That is beyond my professional interest.
06:19I'm just not qualified to respond.
06:21Yeah, he leaves those sorts of questions to his chief eugenics officer.
06:24Putin went on to claim that some of his best friends are homosexual
06:27and went out of his way to praise famous gay man Elton John.
06:30For example, Elton John is an extraordinary person,
06:34a distinguished musician,
06:36and millions of our people sincerely love him,
06:39regardless of his sexual orientation.
06:41Now, that's nice to know,
06:42although I'm not sure they're entirely aware what his sexual orientation is.
06:45I mean, on one of his most high-profile visits to Russia
06:48in the sumptuous Nikita video,
06:49he seemed to find romance with a very female Russian doll.
06:52Nikita, you'll never know.
06:56Maybe he's just the sort of gay guy they like,
06:58the sort that falls in love with women.
07:00But he is very well-known there.
07:01I mean, I bet if Elton John walked through Moscow
07:03holding hands with his partner today, they'd be mobbed and beaten.
07:06Not that Russia needs Elton John anyway,
07:08as you can see from this inspiring coverage,
07:10Putin can tickle the ivories just as well.
07:21Anyway, the games are now incredibly close,
07:23and despite all the brickbats,
07:24Putin hopes they'll cause a shift
07:25in the way Russia's perceived by the rest of the world,
07:27and he's right, they have already.
07:29It used to be viewed as a corrupt, mafia-dominated state.
07:32Now it's seen as a homophobic ski resort.
07:35There was this exciting historical drama thing
07:38about these four sort of hat and beard men
07:41who had these lightsaber fights,
07:43except the lightsabers are made out of metal
07:46instead of electricity or whatever lightsabers are made out of.
07:50It's like a children's thing, but for adults,
07:53so it's like for adult children.
07:55What was clever was they all looked a bit like
07:57the bloke off the anonymous mask,
07:59so you never really know who was who.
08:01And to make it more difficult, they all had, like, code names.
08:05Like, they used names of Greek islands to protect their identities,
08:08so there was, like, Athos and Porphos and Aramis
08:11and, like, I don't know, Mowgli or something.
08:14They're all quite good-looking.
08:16They're like men in a yoghurt advert.
08:18Like, if there was a woman in an office and a life's shit,
08:22but then it's a lunch break, so she opens a yoghurt,
08:25and these sexy men appear, and they're sort of exotic,
08:30and a yoghurt's nice too, so she's happy.
08:33It's like that, but without the yoghurt.
08:36You could tell by looking at it
08:37that it was historically accurate properly.
08:39Like, it had people from paintings in it
08:42and rooms with, like, really complicated ceilings,
08:44and, like, they didn't have lifts,
08:46so when they wanted to leave a building,
08:48they had to jump out of a window.
08:50There was loads of sword fighting in it,
08:52and sword fights are strange
08:54because although they sort of look exciting,
08:56they never actually are.
08:58Like, when you think about what a sword fight is,
09:01you should be on the edge of your seat
09:03because it's like all sharp things.
09:05Like, once my mate Paul was slicing a pair
09:08at a festival with his penknife,
09:11and it was just unbearably tense to watch
09:14because he was really drunk
09:16and sort of cutting it in the hand he was holding it in,
09:19and I could hardly stand to watch that.
09:21But with sword fights,
09:23even though swords are bigger than penknives,
09:25and they really wave them around,
09:28it's like a dance routine or a sort of metal squabble.
09:32So there's never this sort of same sense of danger
09:35there was with Paul and the pair.
09:37What I liked was, because it had all the things you expect,
09:40like a bit where someone hides from a husband
09:43and a bit where a young bloke earns the respect
09:45of a slightly older bloke,
09:47and a bit where someone's framed for murder
09:48because they picked up a knife and put a fingerprint on it,
09:51and a bit where one of the main characters is going to die,
09:54and you're like, oh, my God, one of the main characters is going to die,
09:57but then the person who was going to kill them gets shot,
10:00and it pulls focus and it's someone surprised and you saved them.
10:03Because it had all that stuff, you already know,
10:05you didn't have to waste time working out what it was,
10:08or what you thought about it, or who these people were.
10:11You could just sort of look at it while your mind went in the screen saver mode,
10:15and that proves it's good drama.
10:22Technology, and it's bad news for avian tossers
10:25as a comprehensively alarming Sky News report
10:27featuring Mr Charisma Goggles' Edward Snowden
10:29claims the NSA has been spying on people using angry birds.
10:34Apparently they can hoover up data about your age, location,
10:36and even your sexuality,
10:38although God knows how they can tell your sexual orientation
10:40simply from watching you finger a bird.
10:42Why on earth would you tell a game what your sexual orientation was?
10:46Well, it might be your only friend.
10:48Sky News went out and found people who were appalled,
10:51but not so appalled they could stop playing the game.
10:53It's not right that people should have more and more access
10:55to what I consider private information.
10:58F***ing to us, mate, those gold stars aren't going to collect themselves.
11:01I think it's good people keep an eye on us,
11:04but not to the extent of checking out our apps and the things we play.
11:09Shhh! They can hear you say that.
11:11It's not that everyone's up in arms about it.
11:12In these informative scenes, Sky's Eamon Holmes sounded downright impressed.
11:16You see, everybody gets so annoyed about this.
11:18Should you not say, how clever is that?
11:20All these Al-Qaeda people are going to be out there
11:22and they don't know when they're playing Angry Birds.
11:24They're actually being spied on.
11:25Should people not be saying, smart?
11:27To be honest, I imagine Al-Qaeda don't bother with Angry Birds.
11:29They kind of mastered the art of knocking down structures
11:31by flying into them headlong about 13 years ago.
11:34But not everyone's worried about being spied on while using technology,
11:37as clearly demonstrated by the irritating and disturbing series
11:40of Amazon Kindle ads where a book romances a milf.
11:43And by milf, I mean machine he'd like to f***.
11:46Hello. My niece is coming over and she'll be using my new Kindle Fire.
11:49Great. The fire's perfect for kids.
11:51Only for the first few seconds, then they kind of turn black and start screaming.
11:54Yeah.
11:55But I don't want a glued to it all day.
11:57Got it.
11:58Glued? What have you been doing to make the Kindle sticky?
12:00Actually, don't answer that. I think I can guess.
12:02Amy shows the sicko how to limit the time kids can use his Kindle for.
12:05And when that limit runs out, I'm sure they'll react rationally.
12:11I could use the time limits myself.
12:12Oh, really?
12:13Yeah, I've got a serious Plants vs. Zombies addiction.
12:16For me, it's Candy Crush Saga. It's becoming a real problem.
12:19Yeah, that's nothing. I'm hooked on a game called Kindle Smash Magic.
12:22It's ever so therapeutic.
12:29Still, at least he's dealing with a girl his own age.
12:31Unlike the man in this grim sales pitch.
12:33You appear to be in a financial quandary, young fellow.
12:36At Wonga, you choose exactly how much to borrow and for how long.
12:40Really?
12:41You'll need quite a bit to cover the counselling you'll need
12:43after this psychotic breakdown you're clearly having.
12:47No, I'm not kissing my phone.
12:49Kiss it!
12:50Uh-oh, she'll charge him for that. Kissing costs extra.
12:56Seems you can't go anywhere these days without some sort of device
12:59staring at you, prying into your business.
13:02Makes you think, doesn't it?
13:03Well, it makes no-one think more than our resident inquisitive human,
13:07Limmy.
13:08Big Brother is watching. He's like this.
13:14Ain't he?
13:15He's watching me on Twitter.
13:17Ready to pounce.
13:18I'm terrified to tweet in case it's taking the wrong way.
13:20He's watching my porn.
13:21Spying on my choices.
13:22No doubt loving every minute with his twosers around his ankles.
13:25And even in the park, there he is again.
13:28Watching, pointing, laughing he's a daff.
13:30But enough's enough.
13:31Can he be letting Big Brother have a lot of fun?
13:33Who can play that game?
13:34So I walk through the park while we secreting my horns.
13:37Heroine? Drug money?
13:38That's for me to know when Big Brother to find out.
13:40I looked up some porn that I'm sure isn't Big Brother's cup of tea.
13:43But he wants to be the all-seeing eye.
13:45Good luck unseeing that.
13:47And then I jumped on Twitter to play with his mind.
13:49When I hit this city, it's gonna be tragic.
13:52When Big Brother kicks down my door, he'll say,
13:54No, I'm heading up to town to a club.
13:56You should see my dancing.
13:57It's tragic.
13:59Sorry to waste your time.
14:01What a laugh.
14:02I must have came across as a right dodgy bastard.
14:04I was pretty convincing.
14:06And then I thought, right enough.
14:07What if I'm that convincing that when I tell Big Brother I'm only joking,
14:10he doesn't believe me?
14:11I showed him I'm empty-handed,
14:12so they gave me a strip search.
14:13Right there in the park.
14:14Bollock naked.
14:15Or what if they tell the papers what porn I've been looking up?
14:18Once my granny reads that,
14:19she won't be able to look me in the eye.
14:21Or what if I really am in a club one night, mad with it,
14:23and they go,
14:24Here, your dancing doesn't look that tragic to us.
14:26You're actually pretty good.
14:27You're met.
14:28Next thing I'm waking up in Guantanamo.
14:30Imagine waking up in Guantanamo.
14:31With a cum-down.
14:34But it's cool.
14:35You know I'm only joking, Big Brother.
14:36And this video's the proof.
14:38Unless, of course,
14:39this is just one big elaborate cover story
14:41for my drug empire,
14:43my fiendish porn habits,
14:45and my plans to do something unspeakably tragic.
14:48Yeah?
14:49Yeah?
14:50No.
14:59Bubbles!
15:00And Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson
15:01becomes the face of DIY fizzy drinks
15:03in a glossy promotional video for SodaStream.
15:06But wait!
15:07It turns out SodaStream started an independent state of fizz rail
15:10in occupied territory.
15:12Yes, as far as international law is concerned,
15:14one of their factories is in an illegal West Bank settlement.
15:17There's nothing worse than a fizzy drink that's settled.
15:19This was a particular problem for Scarlett,
15:21because she was an Oxfam ambassador,
15:23as you can see in these inspiring scenes.
15:25And Oxfam campaigns against factories in the occupied West Bank,
15:28saying they further Palestinian oppression.
15:30So she was facing a tricky ethical choice.
15:32Do you stick with the charity that works to save the desperate,
15:35the dispossessed, and the dying,
15:37or promote a machine that farts in your drink?
15:39In the end, she chose the drink.
15:41Sorry, guys!
15:42In informative coverage,
15:44SodaStream's CEO defended the factory,
15:46which employs 500 Palestinians who do depend on those wages.
15:49And he defended Scarlett, too.
15:51I know Scarlett.
15:52And she's not only a superhero in her movies,
15:56she's a superhero in real life.
15:58Yeah, the incredible Ice Woman.
16:00Still, as the illuminating behind-the-scenes video made plain,
16:03Scarlett's conscience is clear.
16:05My favourite thing about SodaStream is that
16:09I don't feel guilty when I enjoy beverages at home.
16:14I don't feel like I'm being wasteful.
16:16Yeah, well, not everyone's got a SodaStream yet.
16:18As CNN ruthlessly depicted,
16:20some of the families living a stone's throw from the factory
16:22scarcely have a decent water supply.
16:24Never mind fizzy drinks on tap,
16:26that poor f***er would settle for a tap.
16:28Speaking of hoes,
16:29the ad Scarlett sold herself for
16:31was pretty glossy and impressive.
16:33Like most actors,
16:34my real job is saving the world.
16:36Start with plain water,
16:37add bubbles,
16:38mix in the perfect flavour.
16:40Look, soda that's better for you and all of us.
16:43Less sugar, less bottles.
16:45It's not less bottles, fewer bottles.
16:48F*** me.
16:49Like, this advert wasn't controversial enough.
16:51If only I could make this message go viral.
16:54Eh, I think you've managed that.
16:55But no, to make the message go viral,
16:57Scarlett disropes,
16:58sensationally revealing she's fully clothed.
17:01I don't really get it.
17:02I think we're supposed to think
17:03she's sucking that straw really sexily,
17:05but surely that's not enough.
17:06I mean, I guess if she was slurping that drink
17:08in front of that poor boy from the harrowing CNN footage,
17:11I guess that'd be an ironic juxtaposition
17:13that could go viral.
17:14Especially when he looks plaintively down the lens,
17:16almost like he's looking at her.
17:18And she's just sort of looking back, taunting him.
17:20And then she could turn to camera at the end and say,
17:22mmm, mevalicious.
17:23But that hasn't happened.
17:24It's all a bit flat, really.
17:26Could use more bubbles.
17:27Scarlett's super advert aired during the Super Bowl,
17:30which as well as being a huge sporting event,
17:32comes complete with blistering half-time entertainment
17:34like this year's barnstorming performance
17:36by Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
17:44But who needs some American Super Bowl halftime show
17:47when you can see a super show at the Bowls
17:49right here in Britain,
17:50specifically the World Indoor Bowls Championships
17:52in Great Yarmouth,
17:53which was enlivened considerably
17:55by this powerfully moving performance
17:57of something inside so strong
17:59by Barry off EastEnders.
18:01We're gonna do it anyway
18:05Because there's something inside so strong
18:10I know that I can make it
18:14Though you're doing me wrong so wrong
18:18Where are you going?
18:19Come back!
18:20Come back!
18:21The man's singing his heart out,
18:22you bastards!
18:23There's something inside so strong
18:27There's something inside so strong
18:32There's something inside so strong
18:42Drizzle!
18:43And as Britain continues to lose its ongoing war
18:44with the cloud gods,
18:45there were astonishing scenes as Sky News
18:47visited the undersea kingdom of Somerset,
18:49where the locals are taking part in an exciting race
18:51to see whether the authorities can bail them out
18:53before they evolve gills.
18:55Patches of Somerset were absolutely sopping wet
18:58and required sustained and heavy pumping
19:00carried out round the clock by tireless yet anonymous members
19:02of the fire brigade
19:04Just like your mum does.
19:05What is it with her?
19:06After the government was accused of leaving the Somerset folk
19:09to marinate in their own filth,
19:11they sent in the army to stand around and look commanding on the news
19:14But even those who live here were unclear about their role
19:17It seems a good idea about what exactly they're going to do,
19:20I don't know
19:21It's obvious they're going to kick raindrops back into the sky
19:23In dispiriting scenes, Sky's crack anchorwoman and capstand Kay Burley
19:28visited Langport, an area of farmland twinned with the Atlantic Ocean
19:31and achieved a career best by making the sky weep openly on camera
19:35She also interviewed a man from the Environment Agency
19:37wearing a high-vis jacket so you could see him even in deluge-o-vision
19:41We've got enormous sympathy for the people who've been flooded
19:44I don't care, they just want you to dredge
19:46Well I hope they do care
19:47I'm sure they want us to have sympathy
19:50Never mind the river, I think my screen needs dredging
19:53Worried about health issues, Sky also commissioned a scientist to sample the water
19:56and find out just how much of a health hazard it might be
19:59This would be something like streptococcus, group A streptococcus
20:03which could cause quite a nasty skin infection if it got into a wound
20:06See that looks horrible, but on the plus side it tastes absolutely great on rye bread
20:10Mmm, mmm
20:12A few miles away in Waterworld, the news revealed helicopters plugging a gap in the seawall with sandbags
20:17While in Fishguard, eight one-ton bags of aggregates have been placed in the lower town
20:22to protect properties ahead of high tides tomorrow morning
20:26I'm no expert, but I reckon the water might get round that
20:29With their fulsome and well-balanced coverage, ITV proved its grim up Aberystwyth way
20:34But at least the good folk there have got used to dealing with the cruddy weather
20:38I think we are getting better on this, you know
20:41Now we have more experience
20:43Yeah, I don't know that you've really mastered the umbrella yet
20:45Finance now and money is either good news or bad news, isn't it?
20:49But for as long as anyone can remember, which incidentally is 2008
20:52It's been bad news until recently, when suddenly, it wasn't
20:57Apparently
20:58The biggest fall in unemployment in 17 years
21:01As the British economy begins to rocket into action
21:04Yes, thanks to these animated numbers, the financial crisis was totally over
21:07And everyone in Britain was a fully employed millionaire
21:10To think just a few weeks ago, Channel 4's grimly depressing Benefit Street was current affairs
21:14Now it's period drama
21:16Thanks to the economic turnaround, instead of worrying about this
21:19We can just marvel at how great it looks on our HD tellies
21:22Wow, their suffering is pin sharp
21:24Some cynics claim employment figures are only rising
21:27Because Cameron's been touring the country for weeks
21:29Disguising himself as a manual worker on countless occasions to boost the numbers
21:33Look, here he's playing some kind of surveyor
21:36Here he's a factory worker
21:37Here he's a salt of the earth Tetley T-Man
21:39Here he's a tour guide showing French dick-slingers around
21:42And here he is as a malevolent lizard blackness from the stars
21:45Temporarily shape-shifted into human form
21:47But the apparently good financial news is bad news for plasticine buzzkill Ed Miliband
21:52Seen here accepting a glass of beer from a man who looks like Ant and Dec
21:56He's recently been trying to drum the notion of a cost of living crisis into the national brain
22:00By repeating the phrase so often it becomes a kind of echo
22:03I talked about the cost of living crisis and the squeezed middle
22:06Is the cost of living crisis really such a big deal?
22:10The cost of living crisis is the single biggest challenge our country faces
22:15That is the cost of living crisis
22:17Of course many people's view of the entire country's financial situation actually depends on their own personal circumstances
22:23And whether the cost of things they're spending money on is rising faster than their incomes
22:27For instance many feel the squeeze because of factors like skyrocketing energy bills
22:31Although to be honest I'd be happy to pay more for gas and electricity if energy companies would stop running this sort of tweed bollock lazy animal whimsy ukulele sing song cartoon horse shit in every other ad break
22:42This is Hive it lets you control your heating from anywhere with your phone
22:47So why aren't you surfing on a cab going to visit your mad dad
22:51Or shopping for some trousers when it starts snowing on your schnauzers
22:55While Hive is busy controlling your heating at home
22:58Or you could sing about tigers from Burma
23:01While Gran dies of hypothermia
23:03Poor cow dropped dead with the chills
23:05Cause she can't pay your swollen bills
23:07While I'm withstanding this terrible advert at home
23:10So what exactly is going on with money?
23:14And what is money anyhow?
23:15Well don't worry if you don't know
23:17Because Philomena Kunk is here now
23:19To unravel that mystery in this week's Moments of Wonder
23:36Money is at the heart of the UK economy and many others
23:40People fight for it, die for it and put it in China pigs
23:46So what is money?
23:48Put simply, money is the best way we have of telling how much money you've got
23:55Over the centuries many things have been used as money
23:59Including amber, wheat, eggs, travellers checks, feathers, book vouchers, lobsters, beads, gold, leather, nectar points, rice, peas, mugs and money
24:12It was only the last of these that caught on
24:15Increasingly these days money isn't something you can hold in your hand or bite on like a pirate
24:24Because it's stored in the imaginations of computers
24:28And some of those computers are probably here in the Bank of England
24:35But that computer money is in crisis
24:38UK government debt is now £1 trillion and even Wonga can't help
24:43So who can?
24:45Maybe a money expert can tell us what money is and what to do
24:49Who are you and why are you an expert on money?
24:52I'm Will Hutton, I'm an economist and I'm an economic writer
24:56What's the difference between economics and economics?
25:01Nothing
25:03It's just the way you pronounce the E
25:06I think I prefer economics to economics
25:10But I wonder what you could put the same question to the Chancellor and the Government of the Bank of England
25:15See whether they like the hardy or the softy
25:18Hardy or softy?
25:21Economics, economics
25:22Economics, economics
25:26Okay
25:28Money's all stored in computers these days, isn't it?
25:33How does a computer know what money looks like?
25:36How does it know?
25:37Well, how does it recognise anything?
25:40How does a computer recognise, you know
25:45So you don't know?
25:47It's
25:49You know in principle, but you don't know in detail, no
25:52Do you know what I think's happened?
25:54Someone's told a computer what money looks like
25:57They've gone up to a computer and they've said this is like a £5 note
26:01And then that computer's told the others
26:04When you have a coin, where is the money in that coin?
26:10If I were to take a coin and cut it open
26:13Could I take the money out of that coin and then it'd be empty?
26:17No, the coin is a token
26:19The whole point about the coins in your pocket is they're universally accepted as a way of buying things
26:26That's what the money is
26:28How much does it cost to make a one-pence piece?
26:31Because if it's less than one-pence, then it's a con, isn't it?
26:37But if it's like more than one-pence, then...
26:42Do you see what I mean?
26:43Yeah
26:44Sort of not worth it now
26:45Yeah, yeah, yeah
26:46It costs a tiny amount of money to create a one-penny piece
26:50And that's not the...
26:51So they're ripping us off
26:52It seems no-one really knows what money is
26:57It will always be an unsolvable problem
26:59Like a crossword or a Rubik's Cube
27:03Next time on Moments of Wonder
27:05I'll be asking why there's more water in a tap than you'd expect
27:16Courts!
27:17And as the hacking trial enters its ninth decade
27:19Things perk up when one of the laws of the land walks the legal red carpet on his way to give evidence
27:24Yes, Hollywood starlet Jude Law was appearing in court
27:26And as ITV News made clear, he's playing a young Tony Blair in the production
27:30Perhaps the most fully drawn character he's tackled yet
27:33In fact, I'd go so far as to say that is the most moving scene featuring Jude Law I've ever watched
27:38Actually, looking at the BBC footage, I'd say he's had work done
27:41Doesn't even look like him anymore, it's very sad
27:44Shortly afterwards, Jude's former girlfriend, Sienna Miller, also popped up to give evidence
27:48Oh, the poor thing, these modern HD cameras are so unforgiving
27:51Look, you can see all her lines
27:53Have to say, ITN's coverage was far less patchy than that
27:55I mean, just look at it, it's practically a work of art
27:58In fact, it's so good, it's already been released on DVD
28:00Where it's proved so compelling, as you can see, an appreciative audience has already been drawn in
28:05Of course, Jude and Sienna are movie stars
28:07But by pulling a face like a doodle, they're drawing on a TV tradition that started back in the 80s
28:12When it was pioneered by our A-Ha's Morton Harkett in the astonishing video for Take On Me
28:17Take On Me
28:21Take On Me
28:23And it's a trend that continues to this day, as you can see from the BBC footage
28:26Of controversial courtroom drama Allegation Street
28:29Which features a handsome drawing of Ken Barlow
28:31And a beautiful drawing of his wife, Deidre Barlow
28:34I mean, it's good, but it's not as exciting as EastEnders
28:36Where a family of coloured pencils just moved into 2B, causing a right pen and ink
28:40Then these proper EastEnd thugs called the Crayon Twins turned up for a cheeky sharpener at the Vic
28:44And then Phil got rubbed out
28:47God, that was awful
28:48Pencil puns
28:49What is this, crackerjack?
28:50Think I got away with it though
28:52Doubt anyone will even notice
28:53Unless they've mic'd my mind up again
28:55I hate it when they do that
28:57Probably best just to end the show, to be sure
28:59Hmm
29:00Well, that's all we've got time for this week
29:02Until next time
29:03Go away
29:04Go away
29:09Covering the Winter Olympics like no one else does
29:11Join Alan Davis and guests for Apres Ski tomorrow at 10 on BT2
29:16Newsnight is next
Recommended
24:27
|
Up next
46:36
29:42
29:13
28:55
Be the first to comment