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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
00:12Oh, welcome to my show. Yes, it is me. I'm back again.
00:16I thought I'd start this evening by releasing this poor hen.
00:19I found it in a battery farm, as sad as sad can be.
00:22So fly into the sky, my friend, for now I set you free.
00:26Likewise, I am hoping to unleash some smiles and laughs.
00:29Be you Scousers, Jordys, Manx, Cockneys, Jocks or Tuffs.
00:33Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show. It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
00:38That's the title.
00:39Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show. It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
00:46Welcome to my show now where the sun is always out.
00:49And ye are ever guaranteed a foaming pint of stout.
00:52Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show. It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
01:11It's called, it's Kevin.
01:13Ah, it's the Kevin Eldon Show.
01:15It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:18Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:19Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:21Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
01:23Kevin Eldon Show.
01:26Morning, Jo.
01:40Oh.
01:41You look a bit rough.
01:43How was Peter's party?
01:44I actually left at about 11.
01:47Everyone else went on to a club.
01:49Sounds like it was quite a night.
01:50Good morning, Tim.
01:58You look a bit rough.
02:00Yeah, tell me about it.
02:01Did you go to the club?
02:02Yeah, but I left about one.
02:05I don't feel too good.
02:14Morning, Simon.
02:16You look a bit rough.
02:18Christ.
02:18I am never drinking again.
02:24I left Pete about six.
02:29I don't know how he does it.
02:32I really don't.
02:37Morning, Pete.
02:41You look...
02:42I know.
02:44I know.
02:45That's one small step for a man.
02:53One Swiss dinosaur in polygosling's anorak hood.
02:58First man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, there.
03:01But did he say, that's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind?
03:06Or, as some claim, that's one small step for a man, one Swiss dinosaur in polygosling's anorak hood?
03:11Let's ask second man on the moon, Buzz Alden.
03:16Can I just right away say that Neil clearly says one giant leap for mankind?
03:20Okay, Buzz, let's listen again.
03:24One Swiss dinosaur in polygosling's anorak hood.
03:28Yeah, I see what you mean, Buzz, but you've got to admit, it does sound a little bit like one Swiss dinosaur in polygosling's anorak hood.
03:36It doesn't sound anything like one Swiss dinosaur in polygosling's anorak hood.
03:39Play it again.
03:40In sections.
03:41One Swiss dinosaur in polygosling's anorak hood.
03:46One giant leap in polygosling's anorak hood.
03:49Four.
03:50Anorak hood.
03:51Mankind.
03:53It is, isn't it?
03:57Of course it is.
03:58Of course it is.
03:59Obvious.
04:00One Swiss dinosaur in polygosling's anorak hood.
04:03Stupid.
04:03Doesn't even make any sense.
04:05Well, that's cleared that, Buzz.
04:06Thanks very much.
04:07Candid stalking a Komodo swab.
04:09Thanks, Alison.
04:16Ah!
04:18Come in.
04:24Morning, Bill.
04:25Morning, have a seat.
04:25How can I help?
04:26Oh, well, I see.
04:27And when did you first notice the symptoms?
04:29Oh, about...
04:29Right, and have they recently become more pronounced?
04:31Well, it's OK.
04:32Well, I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is.
04:34You're pre-emptive.
04:35It's quite a rare condition where you become totally predictable.
04:38Oh.
04:40Is there a...
04:41I'm afraid not.
04:42Are you absolutely...
04:42Quite sure.
04:43But what...
04:43It's hereditary.
04:44Oh, you said...
04:45No, no, it's not infectious.
04:46And what...
04:46Well, a fruit diet has been found to alleviate the condition slightly.
04:49But where...
04:50Well, all I can suggest practically is a programme of counselling.
04:52You'll find a leaflet at reception.
04:54Well, thank you.
04:55Yes, goodbye.
04:55If you could send the next patient in, please.
04:57Yes, sir.
04:58Morning, Doctor.
04:59Hello.
04:59Take a seat.
05:00How can I help?
05:00What have you got there, then?
05:15Oh, it's Beef Eater Magazine, latest edition.
05:20Oh, you like beef eaters, do you?
05:21Beef eaters?
05:22Yes.
05:23Yes, I love them.
05:24I reckon if I had to choose out of all of the things in the world, including even air, water
05:29or food, I would choose beef eaters.
05:31I'm mad on them.
05:33What is it especially about beef eaters, then?
05:35Beef eaters?
05:36They're brilliant.
05:37Look, that one's rough.
05:40Right.
05:41I'm quite the beef eater enthusiast, actually.
05:43I've got beef eater t-shirts, beef eater jigsaws, beef eater tea towels, beef eater slippers,
05:48beef eater alarm clock.
05:49I've got a beef eater watch.
05:51Oh, I forgot it's in for a pair, but I have got one.
05:54I made this beef eater costume myself.
05:57I've read all the books that are about beef eaters.
05:59There are four.
06:01I'm actually the editor of this beef eater magazine.
06:04I edit it.
06:05I write it.
06:06I deliver it.
06:07I read it.
06:08I reread it.
06:09I reread it.
06:09And then I put it in the trunk with the others.
06:11I make models of beef eaters.
06:13I make them out of the inside of toilet rolls.
06:15And I make them out of the outside of toilet rolls.
06:18And I make them out of chrome.
06:19I made a beef eater once out of beef, actually.
06:22But I didn't eat it.
06:25I've written a song about a beef eater.
06:28It goes, have you seen the fine beef eater eating up his pastry?
06:33Yes, I hardly sleep.
06:34I spend so much of my time on my beef eater-centered activities.
06:37I would say that I'm probably, without fear of contradiction,
06:42the number one beef eater fan in the world.
06:44Strike that, universe.
06:45You're going in for a visit today, then?
06:49Hmm?
06:50South London.
06:52What?
06:53Where the beef eaters live.
06:57Where the beef eaters live?
06:59You know?
07:01I really like this studio.
07:17It's got an atmosphere...
07:18Well, it's hard to define.
07:20Well, the atmosphere in this studio is not that hard to define inasmuch as the atmosphere in this studio consists of oxygen, nitrogen, argon, carbon dioxide, and small amounts of other gases.
07:33Come by, lass. Come by!
07:35They film one man and his dog in here, you know?
07:39Hey, let's go straight over to the sports desk.
07:43It's nice, isn't it?
07:44I gave it a little spray of Mr. Sheen earlier.
07:46I want to put some WD-40 on the draw runners.
07:49It's really smooth action now.
07:51What?
07:52Open draw.
07:54Oh, close draw.
07:56Open draw.
07:58Close draw.
08:00Open draw.
08:02Close draw.
08:05Hey, Bob.
08:07Oh, I like that.
08:09It's a prop for this week's show.
08:11That's really good.
08:12Remind me, what bit of the show is it for again?
08:14This bit.
08:15Oh, yeah.
08:17Open draw.
08:27Good evening.
08:28My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
08:30I am a fictional man from the north of England.
08:32I'm chimney smoke.
08:34I'm more mist.
08:35Anyway, life in the north of England, eh?
08:37It's one thing after another which has been preceded by something, which itself has been
08:40preceded by something, which itself has been preceded by something, going all the way back
08:43to 1066.
08:44If you're one of them creationists with that evil hussy, Evie Adams, picked the Forbidden
08:48Conquer and shoved it up King Harold's nose.
08:50Or even further back, if you're Stephen Dawkins, 13.7 billion years, with everything reduced
08:55to a singular point, smaller even than Jimmy Clitheroe.
08:58Or even further back, if you're a proponent of the Big Bounce Theory, ooh, Big Bounce,
09:02Ada Hopkins, which posits an infinite regression of eternally expanding and contracting universes.
09:07You decide!
09:09But what it really takes, the black pudding home with a fancy bag made out of recyclable
09:13material decorated with flowers owned by a flat-boiled window dresser who wears a purple
09:17cravat and owns a cat called Lady Gaga.
09:19He's got a face, looks like he's been squashed in the vice.
09:21It was when I found a thrumpty pence piece and an empty crisp packet.
09:23I think it was clogging mill flavour at the corner of Oblington Road and Edlington Avenue.
09:27You know where Tommy Garter's Aunt Fifi got killed by that bottle of pickle lily.
09:30And when I got home, I found that my wife had run off with a ghost of German Shakespeare,
09:34Wolfgang Gürtel.
09:36Is it Gürtel or Gürtel?
09:37Is it Gürtel or Gürtel?
09:39Is it Gürtel or Gürtel?
09:40Is it Gürtel or Gürtel?
09:42Is it Gürtel or Gürtel?
09:43Is it Warnstrich of Linzmü?
09:44Is it Warnblet or...?
09:45Closed drawer.
09:47And from our sports desk to our celebrity chef, Charlie Sinclair.
09:52Hi, Charlie.
09:53Hi, Kevin.
09:54Well, it looks like you've been busy.
09:56I've made some dinner.
09:57Oh, great.
09:58What's the recipe?
09:58Never mind. Do you reckon it's about ready now?
10:04Yeah. Let's have a look then, shall we?
10:13So, what's this?
10:15It's called razor clam, leek and pre-usbake.
10:19Oh, right. OK, well, try some.
10:21Mmm. I can taste fresh thyme in there.
10:28It's quite strong.
10:30Mmm.
10:31Oh, no, no, no, I don't mean strong in a bad way.
10:34Strong in a good way. It's delicious.
10:36Yeah.
10:41Sorry, I'm going to have to take this.
10:43No problem. Hi, darling.
10:45OK, from our celebrity chef over to Hilary Swan,
10:48our economics editor with the finance news.
10:50I've told you not to call me at work.
11:11What do you think of my new perfume?
11:14Mmm, it's nice. What is it?
11:16What is it?
11:17It's wrists by Parfum de Pom Pom.
11:20Smells like wrists.
11:22It does. Do you want to try?
11:25Mmm. Now my neck smells like wrists.
11:28It does. Your neck smells just like wrists.
11:31It's the silent killer.
11:50You can't hear it.
11:52You can't taste it.
11:53You can't smell it.
11:55You can't smell it.
11:59Cauliflower kills.
12:00Fit a cauliflower alarm.
12:05Ah, now you see, this is the thing about Bob.
12:18There's no job that he can't turn his hand to, is there, Bob?
12:21So, how are you?
12:23Oh, very well, thanks, Kevin.
12:25Well, I'm glad to hear it.
12:26Well, I say very well.
12:27I've actually got a touch of orthospasm.
12:29Orthospasm?
12:30Orthospasm.
12:31I first got it when I was working as a ghostwriter
12:34for Premier League football players.
12:36Hmm.
12:38Premier League footballers are thoughtful blokes
12:41with the minds of philosophers and the hearts of poets.
12:45And as the beloved orb left my foot spinning through the air
12:51like a meteor in the depths of the cosmos,
12:54I felt my entire life's dreams and hopes
12:57shared its happy trajectory.
13:00Unobstructed, pure, true.
13:05Unfortunately, footballers' agents need them
13:08to maintain an image of pig ignorance
13:10so that they don't alienate their sponsor's target audiences.
13:13So, bosh, another one in the back of the net result.
13:24Hmm.
13:25That's actually very sad.
13:27Yeah, it is.
13:28To think that the world will never see a book of John Terry's sonnets.
13:32Hmm.
13:34Hi.
13:39My name is Paul Hamilton, and I am a poet.
13:42So shoot me.
13:43Hi. My name is Paul Hamilton, and I am a poet. So shoot me. This week's poem is called
14:03On Remonstrating with the Alcoholic with regards to his unsolicited comments pertaining to
14:08the Polish barmaid. No, Adrian. I will not get a load of that Polish bit. No, Adrian. I would
14:24not like to get my head between those two beauties and go wabba wabba wabba. No, Adrian.
14:33There are crisps in your beard and vomit on your shoes and dandruff in your hair. There
14:42are Pringles in your larder and urine in your milk bottles and a Vauxhall Astra engine in
14:47your bed. Adrian, there is nothing in your diary and something in your attic, and I don't
14:52know what that is in your toilet. And when you look at Anna Zyrilski, she has a name.
15:01You see 3D page three swinging free double D fantasy through the lies of your lager-filled
15:09eyes. Whereas I, I see a brave young woman in a cowardly old town who yearns for her mama's
15:22goulash.
15:23This is it, Christopher. Remember this. Although we may be interfering with history on a grand
15:29scale, we are also taking an opportunity to undo a great evil.
15:36a great evil.
15:37a great evil.
15:43a great evil.
15:44a great evil.
15:45a great evil.
15:46a great evil.
15:50a great evil.
15:57a great evil.
16:03a great evil.
16:10a great evil.
16:18Okay, okay, how about this Andrew?
16:45Oh, Joseph, your multi-coloured coat has many different colours.
16:52Yes, jolly good. You're a superb lyricist.
17:15Hey, fellas, I thought you might like to see a few new moves I've been working on for Jake the pig.
17:22Here we go, two, three, four.
17:25I'm Jake, I'm a pig, little, little, little, um, with me extra leg, little, little, little, um, what's up, fellas?
17:33What's up, fellas? Where's the funeral?
17:39Struth!
17:40Struth!
17:47You all right, Rolf?
18:01Yeah, actually, Timber, that wasn't my extra leg you pulled off just there.
18:11Wooo!
18:24Wooo!
18:27It's the white coat window on the world of Worldwide Wonders with the warmly winsome Wendy Wilson.
18:32Wendy, welcome, and wank you.
18:39So, what have you got?
18:40Well, Kevin, this week I'm asking, is seeing believing?
18:44Rhetorical question.
18:45Ah!
18:46You know what a rhetorical question is?
18:49Do you?
18:50Oh, sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question.
18:52Yes, I do know what a rhetorical question is.
18:54Who doesn't?
18:55Lots of people.
18:56No, that was a rhetorical...
18:57The relationship between the human brain and the eye is a very complex one.
19:01Let's try an experiment.
19:02I'm going to walk over here.
19:04Now, when I say, I'd like you and the audience at home to put one hand over one of their eyes, okay?
19:10Now.
19:12Wow!
19:13What are you seeing?
19:14You look like a yucca plant.
19:16Now, when I say, you and the viewers take your hand off again.
19:20Now.
19:21And now you look like a lady again.
19:25Beautiful lady.
19:25Hand over eye.
19:27Off.
19:28On.
19:29Off.
19:30It's the visual version of the Doppler effect, and it's called the yuckler effect, and it's to do with the way the light falls onto the optic nerve.
19:38It's astonishing.
19:39Although, I have to say, there's nothing yucky-y about you.
19:44But our sight can also affect the way we perceive sound.
19:47Watch this.
19:48Listen to me say this sentence.
19:52Hello, and how are you today?
19:54Now, watch what happens when I say exactly the same sentence, wearing a baseball cap and holding a mobile phone.
19:59Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser.
20:04In both cases, you're hearing exactly the same sentence, but the visual input is fooling your brain into thinking that they sound quite different.
20:11Hello, and how are you today?
20:15Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser.
20:17Well, it's amazing.
20:21You're amazing at explaining things.
20:26Well, it just goes to show that seeing isn't always believing.
20:30Thank you, Wendy.
20:32Always.
20:33Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Brahms have all died.
20:38They're all heroes of ours, aren't they?
20:41Really?
20:42They're wonderful people.
20:45Are they?
20:46Oh, yes.
20:47They really turn us on.
20:48But they did.
20:50Well, suppose they turn other people on.
20:53That's just their tough shit.
20:55It's what?
20:56Nothing.
20:57Rude word.
20:59Next question.
21:00No, no.
21:01What was the rude word?
21:04Shit.
21:05Was it really?
21:06Good heavens.
21:07You frightened me to death.
21:10What about you girls behind?
21:11He's not your dad, isn't he, this geezer?
21:13Are you, uh...
21:13Your granddad.
21:15Are you worried or just enjoying yourself?
21:17Enjoying myself.
21:18Are you?
21:19Yeah.
21:19Oh, that's what I thought you were doing.
21:21Yeah, I always wanted to meet you.
21:23Did you really?
21:25Yeah.
21:25We'll meet after, shall we?
21:27Dirty.
21:28Dirty sod.
21:30Dirty old man.
21:31Well, keep going, chief.
21:32Keep going.
21:33Go on.
21:34You've got another five seconds.
21:35Say something outrageous.
21:36You dirty bastard.
21:38Go on again.
21:39You dirty fucker.
21:41What a clever...
21:42What a fucking rotter.
21:45Well, that's it for tonight.
21:47I'll be seeing you soon.
21:48I hope I won't be seeing you again.
21:50From me, though, good night.
21:52OK, let's have a round-up of this week's new releases with music critic and full English breakfast, Chas Boff.
22:14You all right, Chas?
22:15All right.
22:15So, first up, the Nangowitches.
22:18Now, they haven't had a single out for quite a while.
22:20What do you think?
22:21OK, try to imagine Plan B and Robert Plant fighting over a beetle wig in there and you having a nutshell the sound of the Nangowitches.
22:28Right.
22:29I don't really understand.
22:31But no, it's all right.
22:32On to the next track, which is called Mingle by New South London outfit Mingle.
22:37OK, try to imagine Nick Drake driving a mobile car with a clash in the back, arguing over the directions with young Tom Jones till they career right into a shed in which the Arctic Monkeys are beaten up by none.
22:46Have you listened to these records, Chas?
22:48OK, try to imagine Dusty Springfield borrowing some teabags from her new neighbours Daft Punk who've got Beck round and men, the commie boiler of the XTC installed when she was drunk on Teenage Fan Cup's homebrew.
22:57Yeah, none of this means anything.
23:00OK, try to imagine the Shangri-La's Jarvis Cocker...
23:03Right, where's the dog?
23:03...on a balloon trip over Vic Chester...
23:05Ah, there's one.
23:05Here, boy!
23:06Here, boy!
23:07Here, boy!
23:09Good boy.
23:18You must be seated.
23:39Hello, this is Mr. Alexander Graham Bale making the first ever telephonic communication,
23:40this is Mr. Alexander Graham Bale making the first ever telephonic communication.
23:48communication can you hear me mr. Watson good then I must ask you mr. Watson if
24:02you or any of your relatives have ever made an unsuccessful insurance claim
24:10after an accident that was not your fault hello right let's have a look at what's coming up next
24:26week lonely dog makes a welcome return the cheese which gets more than she bargains for when she
24:37takes on the onion wizard and I'll be fighting evil so time to say goodbye now ideally the
24:51traditional showbiz way would be to sign off with the jaunty catchphrase but the trouble is I haven't
24:59got a catchphrase but if I had a catchphrase then I think my catchphrase would be the following
25:04catchphrase I haven't got a catchphrase that would be my catchphrase but still it's nowhere near as
25:10cool as all the ones I knew at school and all the ones I've learned since then oh no what were they
25:14again there's simply a that's from the Fonz and the famous one from the two runs good no from me
25:18good no from him there's I'll be back and damage him there's no dog sitter and I go on let's see
25:23what you would have won and behave and there's every yabba dabba doo but me I haven't got a catchphrase
25:29but if I had a catchphrase then I think my catchphrase would be the following catchphrase hey I
25:34think it's a catchphrase that would be my catchphrase
25:37you're doomed you're doomed and just like that I don't I don't I don't I funny tap silly moo and
25:51only me I've been in the fall from Mr. T lovely jovely goabunga hidey hi and I could ember no I'm
25:57eaten from my cat and also turned out nice again mmm pity what's after I could something camp from that
26:02mocock I don't believe it that's a high it can't be beaten and that is why he hasn't got a catchphrase
26:10but if he had a catchphrase then he thinks his catchphrase would be the following catchphrase
26:15I haven't got a catchphrase that would be his catchphrase
26:18I haven't got a catchphrase
26:31you
26:45BIRDS CHIRP
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