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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching a very special Weekly Wipe, a show about things that have happened over previous weeks,
00:27which is a way of telling you that this is a compilation episode. Aren't you lucky?
00:32Do you remember the Olympics? Weren't they great? All that running and throwing and jumping into sand?
00:38Britain seems a bit dull without them, which is probably why your TV has been keen to keep the Olympic spirit going,
00:43with vaguely sporty nonsense such as ITV's Splash.
00:48Tonight, Olympic hero Tom Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive headfirst
00:54into the most terrifying challenge of their lives.
00:58Falling doesn't get tougher than this.
01:00Yes, in what is the most unedifying example of celebrity plummeting since Rod Hull,
01:05ITV have unveiled Splash, starring the nation's favourite CGI Pixar boy Tom Daley,
01:10seen here walking around in his pants like a bloke who's misplaced his locker key.
01:14Tom Daley is brilliant at falling into water.
01:17Most people flail their arms around and shout,
01:20oh, shit, when they fall into water, but not Tom Daley.
01:23No, he's taught himself not to do that using mental processes.
01:26Here he is talking us through the intense drama of falling into water
01:28in the manner of someone under hypnosis recounting a previous life.
01:32When I step out poolside,
01:33I can smell the chlorine.
01:36I start to climb the steps.
01:38My heart is racing.
01:39I'm on the edge.
01:44My world stops.
01:46I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall into the water.
01:52Apart from falling into water,
01:54Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly famous human beings
01:57how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully odourless turds.
02:01At times, you sense what ITV really want to broadcast is celebrity stripping,
02:05but Ofcom said no,
02:06so they cleaned it with chlorine and put it on Saturday night.
02:08I suspect the whole thing was a TV experiment
02:11to find out if celebrities are affected by the law of gravity
02:13and whether they fall quicker if they're more famous.
02:16There's probably people around the back in lab coats
02:18writing all the findings down and passing it on to future generations.
02:21Basically, what I'm saying is Splash is increasing human wisdom
02:24by a factor of at least 40%.
02:26The falls they do are impressively complex.
02:29Sometimes they have to perform flips and turns, which is hard,
02:32and other times they have to impersonate somebody
02:33illegally dumping a dead horse in a canal
02:35or someone who's been executed by a single gunshot to the head
02:39on the side of a dredger, which is even harder.
02:41Then it's over to the judges to decide how good they were at falling.
02:45Two of the judges are experts at falling,
02:47and one of them's Joe Brand,
02:48whose main qualification to judge a diving contest
02:51is that, like all humans, she's 98% water.
02:54Of course, the intrinsic problem is that diving doesn't last very long.
02:57With only a few two-second money shots and a 90-minute show,
03:00the programme's forced to add more dubious filler than a Tesco value burger.
03:04That's why we're treated to underwhelming backstage VTs
03:07chronicling their belly-flopping journey
03:08and repeated slow-motion shots of each dive.
03:12In fact, it's only really enlivened by revealing questioning from Gabby Logan.
03:16Listen, getting hit in the ring must hurt.
03:18Hitting the water looks pretty painful too.
03:20What's worse?
03:21That's a personal question.
03:23There are also interminable poolside street dance sequences
03:26because people in telly seem to think you can make anything seem contemporary and entertaining
03:29by drizzling a bit of f***ing street dance onto it.
03:32Seriously, the day we finally broadcast live hangings,
03:34you'll see these pricks doing this s*** round the f***ing gallows.
03:38Splash is actually from Dutchland.
03:39The Dutchanese came up with it first,
03:41and their version looks exactly the same,
03:42but the people falling in it are larger.
03:44And they're still sort of celebrities, but only in Dutch.
03:47And because they all speak in Dutch,
03:48it's the sort of thing that should be on BBC4, really,
03:50because it's basically the same as Borgen,
03:53but with gravity in it.
03:56Before last month, I didn't know anything about Mali.
04:01There was no connection between Mali and me.
04:03I thought it was a film about a dog.
04:04But the world started paying attention to Mali
04:06after a group of Islamic militants took over northern parts of the country.
04:10As the depressing subsequent coverage made clear,
04:12life in northern Mali was grim.
04:14Islamic extremists had gained a foothold there
04:16and were apparently making civilian life about as much fun
04:19as sitting through nine episodes of Paddy's TV Guide,
04:22with regular public thrashings for minor infractions.
04:24Unsurprisingly, the locals moved out in an evacuation, or exodus.
04:29Exodus!
04:30Well, that's Mali for you.
04:32The Malian army tried fighting back,
04:34but they seemed underprepared,
04:35as a startling French news report revealed
04:37they were genuinely having to train without ammunition.
04:39Boom, boom, boom, boom!
04:41Boom, boom, boom, boom!
04:43Boom, boom, boom!
04:45Someone answer that gun.
04:47They weren't the best equipped army in the world.
04:49Their uniforms were threadbare,
04:51and their weapons were jamming.
04:54Well, that's Mali for you.
04:56By contrast, as Sky News comprehensively showed,
04:58the extremists seemed heavily armed,
05:00with weapons apparently gained during the Libyan uprising.
05:02In fact, they had so many guns,
05:04they often seemed to just frolic about with them,
05:05like men playing with puppies.
05:07France responded by sending in troops,
05:09who took the fight all over northern Mali.
05:11They also sprayed paratroopers over Timbuktu,
05:13in what looked suspiciously like footage from 1943.
05:15The onslaught surprised both the Islamists and people like me,
05:20who thought Timbuktu was a made-up region of Narnia or something.
05:23As the Islamists fled,
05:24Sky News broadcast footage of the jubilant locals,
05:27recorded for posterity on a Commodore VIC-20.
05:30The people of Timbuktu were so delighted to be liberated by the French,
05:33they dressed up in celebratory costume for Sky's cameras,
05:36briefly turning Alex Crawford into Gok Wan.
05:38Look what this man has done,
05:40he's done the Viva l'Operation Serval,
05:42that's the name of the operation that Francois Hollande has given it,
05:46and then on the back,
05:47a big thank you to,
05:49not only to the French president Hollande,
05:51but all the other countries who've helped support this operation.
05:54That's quite a get-up.
05:55Get up, stand up.
05:56Well, that's Mali for you.
05:58While the scenes of celebration were genuine enough,
06:00what wasn't quite clear was who the routed extremists actually were.
06:04Whoever they were,
06:05there wasn't much footage of them,
06:06mainly just the chaos left in their wake,
06:08such as burnt-out cars,
06:09and a strange emphasis on the book collections they'd destroyed.
06:12Do you know why libraries annoy Islamic extremists so much?
06:16Maybe they think the Dewey system was invented by Jews.
06:19In a sign the West is now taking the threat seriously,
06:22David Cameron committed troops to Mali,
06:23then hopped on a plane for a whistle-stop holiday tour
06:26of the troubled yet beautiful region,
06:27where he enjoyed the scenery,
06:29shuffled past traditionally-dressed locals,
06:31marvelled at their detailed miniature leaders,
06:33and fine array of meze,
06:35and generally did his best to blend in with his surroundings.
06:38In summary, the situation in North Africa,
06:41and Mali in particular,
06:42is clearly one to keep an eye on.
06:48Well, that's Mali for you.
06:50There was this really clever thing about penguins,
06:53which are these sort of birdfish things that live in Scotland,
06:56or somewhere like that.
06:58They're happy animals,
06:59which is weird,
07:00because it's really cold where they live,
07:02and they don't have jobs.
07:04So they all sort of spend their time
07:06sort of standing around on rocks,
07:08or waiting in Dalkey.
07:10It was narrated by Doctor Who,
07:12who kept telling these interesting penguin facts.
07:16Hopping is faster than woodling.
07:18Because he's Doctor Who,
07:20he knows what penguins think,
07:22so he'd tell you that too.
07:24He's nervous,
07:25but the march must go on.
07:27Sometimes when he couldn't think of anything else to say,
07:29he'd sort of just whistle.
07:30They've made these robot penguins with cameras in them.
07:42Sort of like an iPhone made out of a penguin that can walk.
07:46It was funny because penguins are so stupid,
07:49they don't know what a robot is.
07:51It really ripped the piss out of them all the way through.
07:54The penguins were having this big festival,
07:56just like Glastonbury,
07:57where they all mill around looking for somewhere to camp.
08:01And the robot penguin went along to have a look around.
08:05And to blend in,
08:06he walked around like someone who needed his shit,
08:09but didn't want to use the chemical toilets.
08:12I think they sent the robots in
08:14to discover what penguins are up to.
08:16Like when police go undercover
08:18to catch drug dealers or something.
08:20I mean, they didn't catch them doing anything,
08:22because it turns out penguins are basically innocent
08:25and just sort of walk around on the beach
08:27thinking about fish.
08:28But if they had have been criminals,
08:31that would have been it.
08:32The police could use those penguins
08:35to like infiltrate gangs
08:37or put laser guns in their beaks
08:39and use them to kill paedophiles.
08:42Making a robot penguin is clever,
08:44but it's dangerous.
08:45Messing with nature like that.
08:46A robot penguin can't be killed.
08:49Like even when you think it's going to die,
08:51it sort of just comes back to life,
08:52like in Terminator.
08:54It's terrifying really.
08:55It's really cruel to leave the robot penguins there,
08:58because a robot penguin will just be alive forever,
09:01walking the earth,
09:02watching all the new penguin friends he's made
09:05get old and die.
09:06And he can't cry,
09:08because they didn't give it tear ducts.
09:09So it'll just have to sort of shuffle around alone forever.
09:14Don't think I can bear thinking about it,
09:16to be honest.
09:17Publications,
09:24and in a series of disturbing ads,
09:26tranquil lunch breaks nationwide
09:27are repeatedly interrupted
09:28by the invasion of a cheerful oak tree.
09:30Hiya!
09:31Hiya!
09:31So what do you think of the stories
09:33in this week's Take A Break?
09:34I don't know what.
09:35Do I think of the stories
09:35in this week's Take A Break?
09:37Hang on a minute.
09:38Haven't you lot going to go back to work?
09:40Nah.
09:41Oh yeah, yeah.
09:42F*** British industry.
09:43It seems no lunch break is safe
09:45from Mel's weekly inspections,
09:47Hiya!
09:47Hiya!
09:48What do you think of the stories
09:49in this week's Take A Break?
09:50Well, they're all a bit depressing,
09:51to be honest with you.
09:52I mean, they're all about death and disease and like...
09:54Hiya!
09:55Oh.
09:55Hiya!
09:56So what do you think of the stories
09:58in this week's Take A Break?
09:59I don't know anymore!
10:00Haven't you lot going to go back to work?
10:02This is my work, Mel.
10:05A wave of recent tragedies in America
10:07left many over there
10:08calling for stricter gun controls.
10:10In fact, mass shootings are now so commonplace
10:12they've genuinely started to make
10:14public information films
10:15on how to survive a massacre
10:16in the workplace.
10:18This is genuine.
10:27It may feel like just another day at the office.
10:30but occasionally
10:33life feels more like an action movie
10:36than reality.
10:38This helpful video,
10:39which looks a bit like the most harrowing episode
10:41of The American Office ever made,
10:43teaches you how to react
10:44if a man with a shotgun
10:45goes berserk in your workplace.
10:47Apparently, you should run.
10:48If you can't run, you should hide.
10:50And if you can't hide, well...
10:53and commit to taking the shooter down.
10:55No matter what.
10:59Disgraceful. Look at that.
11:00There's four of them and only one of him.
11:02Cowards!
11:03Looking at this,
11:04it's little wonder the calls for tighter gun controls
11:06are growing louder.
11:07Well, they have to be loud
11:08to be heard over the constant sound of gunfire
11:10and screaming.
11:11It's a hot-button issue
11:12that's livened up Piers Morgan's CNN show
11:14considerably as pro-gun guests
11:16turn up to shout at him.
11:18And I'm here to tell you
11:191776 will commence again
11:21if you try to take our firearms.
11:23The whole thing's become
11:24a sort of interactive game show
11:26where the viewer has to decide
11:27who the biggest prick is.
11:28I don't know.
11:29Is it the shouty prick
11:30or the slimy prick?
11:31I just don't know.
11:33The news also diligently covered
11:34pro-gun control marches.
11:36We will not step back!
11:40I wish you would.
11:41I can hear you from here.
11:43And I'm in Britain.
11:44But gun control faces an uphill struggle
11:46because some sections of US society
11:48seem to love guns
11:49more than their own children
11:50and they feel under threat.
11:53If only gun owners
11:54had some means of defending themselves.
11:56Fox News did their bit for trigger lovers
11:58with a QVC-style rundown
12:00of some of the most popular
12:01killing machines on the market
12:02showcased by a hot markswoman
12:04seen here demonstrating
12:05the type of gun used
12:06in the Sandy Hook massacre.
12:08Probably one of the most popular rifles
12:09in the US right now
12:10thanks to all the media attention.
12:12Yeah, you know what?
12:13I don't know that the media coverage
12:14has made it popular with everyone.
12:16Everyone says it's so big and scary
12:18but that's simply
12:19these are cosmetic features
12:21that have no bearing
12:22on the firearms functions at all.
12:24Although just to be clear
12:25those firearms functions
12:27will kill you.
12:28My five-year-old nephew
12:29harvested his first deer
12:31about a month ago
12:31with my competition rifle
12:32and he was able to make this fit him.
12:35There you go.
12:36So simple a child could use it
12:37but not outrun it.
12:39Still, the young guns
12:40do start young in the US
12:41and their guns aren't quite
12:42so cosmetically terrifying
12:44as five news graphically demonstrated.
12:46This one is pinky
12:48it's my pink 22 AR-15
12:51and then this one is pinkalicious
12:55my pink 22 chambered pistol.
12:58But not all kids like guns.
12:59In emotive scenes on CNN
13:00Obama announced his plans
13:02for gun control
13:03flanked by children
13:04who'd contacted him
13:05to ask him to do something.
13:06On the letter that Julia wrote me
13:09she said
13:09I know that laws
13:12have to be passed by Congress
13:13but I beg you to try very hard.
13:18Julia, I will try very hard.
13:21Oh, brave move.
13:22Resurrecting the gym
13:23will fix it format
13:24in this day and age.
13:25All of that is enough
13:26to make you wonder
13:27why anyone would actually
13:28choose to live in America.
13:29Well, here's drunk US comedian
13:31Doug Stanhope
13:31to try and convince you
13:33that the USA is great.
13:39I'm Doug Stanhope
13:42and that's why I drink.
13:44America is fucking great
13:47and it really is.
13:49I know you don't want
13:49to hear this from me
13:50but that's the truth.
13:52Brits love to bitch
13:53about America
13:54and they love to hate America.
13:56The government
13:56and the wars
13:57and the torture.
13:58But that's not life here.
14:00Come on.
14:01Life in America
14:01is actually fantastic.
14:03Everything works.
14:05Come here.
14:05I want you to be here.
14:07Just get a nonstop
14:08from Heathrow.
14:09Go directly to Florida.
14:11Walk down that ramp
14:12and tell me
14:12if you can't immediately sense
14:14something's really good here.
14:16Rent a car.
14:17Get a convertible.
14:18Fill up the tank.
14:19Look at the price.
14:21Fucking $11 a gallon
14:22over there.
14:23Look at the price.
14:24You're going to fill up your tank.
14:25You're going to fill up
14:25the back seat as well
14:27just because it's that
14:28fucking cheap comparatively.
14:30Drive down big empty highways.
14:33Drive to the beach.
14:34There'll be a half a dozen
14:35cabana bars open.
14:37It's only 8 o'clock
14:38in the morning.
14:39And they're waving at you.
14:40They're smiling at you
14:42and they're waving
14:42for you to come on in.
14:44They want you to be there
14:45because they don't know yet
14:47that you don't tip.
14:48Come on in.
14:49Come on in.
14:51Have a seat at the bar.
14:52She's going to hand you
14:53a big breakfast menu.
14:54It's this big.
14:55You know what we have
14:56for traditional
14:57American breakfast?
14:59Choices.
15:00Yeah.
15:01Lots of choices.
15:02You want some eggs?
15:03How do you want them done?
15:04We can do them 10 different ways.
15:05You want French toast?
15:06You want waffle?
15:07Pancakes?
15:07We have chocolate chip pancakes.
15:09They'll put a whipped cream smiley face
15:11right on there
15:11for your fucking British ass.
15:13Or maybe you want
15:13a whipped cream frowny face
15:15to match that dour expression.
15:19You're still trying to fight
15:20liking it here.
15:22Order a cocktail
15:23and she's going to do something
15:24you've never seen before.
15:25She's going to pour it like this.
15:27And she's going to go up
15:28and down
15:29and she keeps pouring it.
15:30How can this possibly be right?
15:32In the UK
15:33when you order a mixed drink
15:35some scientist
15:35pops out of the floorboards
15:37in a lab coat
15:39and a system
15:40of weights and measures
15:41and a fucking
15:42stainless steel cylinder
15:44that assures
15:45that you will not get
15:46any more
15:47even the vapors
15:48of more than one measured ounce
15:50in your fucking
15:50$15 cocktail.
15:53Life here
15:54is really fucking good.
15:56Yeah, we have a lot
15:57of dumb people here
15:58but you can afford
15:59to be dumb here.
16:00Everything makes sense.
16:02You're lost.
16:02You don't know where you are.
16:04Where are you?
16:0577th Street?
16:06Go a block.
16:07You know what's next?
16:0878th Street!
16:09It makes sense.
16:10You don't have to think.
16:11It's not like your roads
16:12that are all crisscross
16:13and mishmash
16:14and they're all built
16:151100 years ago
16:16for donkeys and carts
16:17and you don't know
16:18where the hell you are
16:19or where you're going.
16:20Hitler did his best
16:22to help the UK
16:23and level that country flat
16:26so they could start over
16:28like an extreme country makeover
16:31and what did the Brits do?
16:33They spat in Hitler's face
16:36and built it back
16:38brick by brick
16:39exactly the way it was
16:401100 years ago
16:42when it didn't make sense.
16:44Come to America.
16:45You can stay on my couch.
16:46If you don't like it
16:47after a week,
16:48I'll give you your money back.
16:49I wonder what's going on
16:57in the world.
16:59Well, our main story
17:00this morning
17:00is that at least
17:01one meteor
17:01has come down
17:02in central London
17:03injuring
17:03more than 500 people.
17:06Oh, my God.
17:10Oh, my God.
17:17Forgive me.
17:18I think I just said
17:18probably scared lots of people
17:19by saying central London,
17:20central Russia.
17:21Oh, thank God for that.
17:23It's just Russia's been destroyed.
17:24Yes, in a series of jaw-dropping
17:28not to mention
17:28pant-browning images
17:29it transpired
17:30great God Almighty
17:31had tossed a gigantic
17:32rock at the earth
17:33in scenes which occasionally
17:34resembled a celestial game
17:35of angry birds.
17:36It was brilliant fodder
17:37for rolling news channels
17:39which have been in training
17:40for the end of the world
17:40for ages
17:41and now had a good dry run
17:42of exactly what it will look like.
17:44The blast blew out windows,
17:46rocked offices,
17:47disrupted otherwise charming
17:48school lessons
17:49and injured hundreds
17:51but most importantly
17:52looked amazing on telly.
17:54Giving the meteor story
17:55extra teeth
17:56a massive asteroid
17:57was also headed
17:58for our fragile earth bauble
17:59and the scientists
18:00who were promising
18:01it wouldn't hit us
18:02were exactly the same ones
18:03who hadn't seen
18:03the Russian meteor coming.
18:05As the death rock approached
18:06the One Show
18:07put a jaunty collision clock
18:08on screen
18:08so you could count down
18:09the seconds
18:10until the misery
18:10of watching the One Show
18:11would be blissfully extinguished
18:12by the absolute destruction
18:13of all life on earth.
18:15Three, two, one.
18:19Oh, f*** up.
18:20F***ing life continues.
18:24Defecation
18:28and Andrax send
18:29an enthusiastic Dawn Porter
18:31around the nation
18:32to force damp bog roll
18:33on people.
18:34I'm here to talk
18:34about wiping bums.
18:36Oh good,
18:36because we're definitely
18:37here to listen.
18:38Fizzy Dawn drags
18:39her victims into a trailer
18:40and invites them
18:41to plop and wipe.
18:42How was it?
18:43It was okay.
18:44I'd give it ten minutes
18:45if I were you.
18:46Not as hoist
18:47as I thought they would be.
18:48Pff, what have you been eating?
18:49Horse?
18:50But that isn't enough
18:51because for some mad reason
18:53Andrax now wants to provoke
18:54a national conversation
18:55on bum wiping techniques
18:57by asking whether
18:58we scrunch toilet paper
18:59or fold it
19:00in a line crossing advert
19:01that's presumably
19:02wiped its arse
19:03on someone's CV.
19:04Don't be square.
19:06Scrunch.
19:07Be fabulous.
19:08Fold.
19:11Scrunch like me.
19:12Number three.
19:13Can't wait for the next one
19:14in this series
19:15where they ask
19:15if you've ever got
19:16a bit of shit
19:16on one of your fingers
19:17by accident
19:17while wiping your arse.
19:19This of course
19:19is the first step.
19:20They're softening us up.
19:21First it's going to be
19:22how do you wipe
19:22and then it's going to be
19:23ooh, can I watch you do it?
19:25Before you know it
19:25Andrax is going to be
19:26lying under the glass coffee table
19:28looking up and filming it
19:29on a smartphone.
19:30Behave.
19:31Don't know about you
19:32but when I ate a burger
19:33I used to think
19:34hmm, what a tasty
19:35compacted disc
19:36of minced tissue scrapings
19:37blasted off a cow carcass
19:39with a high pressure hose
19:40and a fly blown abattoir
19:41wringing with the incoherent
19:42agonised howls
19:43of simple beasts
19:43dying from a single
19:44bolt gun shot to the forehead
19:45but now it turns out
19:46it might not have been
19:47as appetizing as that.
19:48Good evening
19:49supermarket shelves
19:50are being cleared
19:51of frozen burgers tonight
19:52after reports
19:53that some contain
19:54DNA from horses.
19:56A few weeks ago
19:57the news went a bit
19:58silent witness
19:59Tesco edition
20:00as cheap burgers
20:00were being illegally
20:01cut with horse.
20:03Being caught out
20:03flogging a dead horse
20:04was bad publicity
20:05for Tesco.
20:06Many of us
20:07don't want to eat horse
20:07we're not barbarians
20:09although barbarians
20:10are precisely the people
20:11Tesco apparently used
20:12to choose produce
20:13for their customers
20:14as their alarming
20:15new ad campaign
20:16makes clear.
20:16That's the last time
20:18you're going to see
20:18that falcon
20:19unless you pick up
20:20some meatballs
20:20on the way out.
20:21Obviously you can't
20:22trust flipping Conan
20:23here to possibly
20:24tell the difference
20:25between a cow and a horse.
20:26I mean look he probably
20:27thinks that avocado
20:28is a dragon's egg.
20:29Mind you you never know
20:30what weird mashup food
20:31you're going to get
20:31in Tesco.
20:32Those were probably
20:33laid by a horse
20:34bet that melon's
20:34full of pig guts
20:35and f*** knows
20:36how you make tiger loaf.
20:37And it wasn't just
20:38horse rearing up
20:39unexpectedly
20:39it was also revealed
20:41some halal prison food
20:42contained an insulting
20:43amount of pig.
20:44Halal meat eaters
20:45were as stunned
20:46as halal cows aren't.
20:48But the steady gallop
20:49of nasty food stories
20:50was about to become
20:51a stampede
20:52as the top story
20:53basically became
20:54eurgh.
20:56The horse meat scandal
20:57deepens
20:58Thindus lasagnas
20:59have been found
20:59to contain
21:00up to 100%
21:02horse meat.
21:02100% horse meat?
21:04That is a complete mare.
21:06By now the revelations
21:07were piling up
21:08like mangled horses
21:09at Beecher's Brook
21:10and the news
21:10was full of more
21:11pink meaty
21:12glistening close-up shots
21:13than a year's
21:14subscription to Penthouse
21:15as well as upsetting
21:16testimony from members
21:17of the public
21:18dismayed to discover
21:19they may have unwittingly
21:20noshed off a horse.
21:21For Alfie Green
21:22beef lasagna
21:23was a tea time favourite.
21:25Not anymore.
21:26So will you be eating
21:27any more of these?
21:28No not no more
21:29we won't.
21:30Definitely not.
21:31Oh come on
21:31let's not be too hasty
21:32don't go mad
21:33you'll miss out
21:33on this kind of gourmet
21:34experience.
21:35Mmm.
21:36Ah I bet your mouth's
21:38watering at home.
21:39To discuss the Grimm scandal
21:43Sky paraded a paddock
21:44full of food experts
21:45on screen
21:46some of whom
21:46did their best
21:47to lighten the
21:47distressing news
21:48by describing the crisis
21:49in the voice of
21:50Ronnie Corbett.
21:52Well what's supposed
21:52to happen is that
21:53the supermarket checks
21:54on your behalf.
21:55Supermarkets are
21:56experts in food.
21:58You know what
21:58he may sound funny
21:59but he really knows
22:00the food chain.
22:01Now we talk about
22:01the food chain
22:02and at one end
22:04meat comes out
22:05but and cows
22:06normally go in
22:07but somewhere
22:09in the food chain
22:10horses came in
22:11and meat came out.
22:13This guy is good.
22:15This whole thing
22:16has been a PR disaster
22:17for Fyndus
22:18which is a shame
22:18because their lasagnas
22:19always look really nice
22:21in the lovingly shot adverts.
22:23I mean look at that
22:23no hooves sticking out
22:25of it or anything.
22:26That's it son
22:26eat your horse
22:27giddy up.
22:28In the pre horse meat
22:29scandal days
22:30Fyndus used to run
22:31an impressively chic advert
22:32for their gourmet range
22:34created by a suave
22:35French chef.
22:36Candles
22:36wine
22:37music
22:39and the secret weapon
22:40a recipe from
22:42Jean Christophe Novelli
22:43himself.
22:44Yes Jean Christophe Novelli
22:45used to be the
22:46credible face
22:46of Fyndus lasagne
22:47prepping the food
22:48in a notably
22:49horseless kitchen.
22:50I wonder if he's
22:51ever used horse.
22:52I mean I'm sure
22:52if he has
22:53he only used
22:54the finest quality
22:55Parisian horse.
22:56Created by me
22:57frozen by Fyndus
22:58and ridden by jockeys.
23:00We've been asked
23:01to point out
23:01that Jean Christophe Novelli
23:03has in no way
23:04been implicated
23:04in the horse meat
23:05scandal.
23:07Of course
23:08thanks to television
23:08we've become
23:09accustomed to seeing
23:10food prepared
23:10in picturesque
23:11kitchens like this
23:12whereas as Sky News
23:13starkly depicted
23:14Fyndus lasagnes
23:15are actually made
23:16in places like this.
23:17In fact rather
23:17than friendly Fyndus
23:19they're actually
23:19manufactured by
23:20the less appetising
23:21sounding Comigel
23:22who supply lovingly
23:23mass produced
23:24frozen dead animal
23:24gobble pots
23:25for companies
23:26all over Europe.
23:27The trail of
23:27suspect meat
23:28being detailed
23:29on the news
23:29like a map
23:30from invasion
23:30of the edible
23:31horse creatures.
23:32In fact
23:32thanks to the
23:33charming
23:33accompanying footage
23:34we've seen
23:35of the depressing
23:35interiors
23:36of food processing
23:37plants
23:37the whole thing
23:38is starting
23:38to feel
23:39uncomfortably
23:39close to the
23:40plot of the
23:40superbly depressing
23:4170s dystopian
23:42epic
23:43Soylent Green
23:44in which Charlton
23:45Heston discovers
23:46processed food
23:47is being manufactured
23:47from the corpses
23:48of recently
23:49euthanised people.
23:55Technology
23:55and the humble
23:56Blackberries
23:57had it hard of late
23:57with tough competition
23:58and tech problems
23:59denting its popularity
24:00to the point where
24:01as Sky News
24:01forensically pointed out
24:02its own users
24:03tried to kill it
24:04with hammers
24:04It took about a month
24:06of intermittent bashing
24:07to actually break
24:09the Blackberry handset up
24:10But now the Blackberry handset
24:12folk were attempting
24:13to revive their fortunes
24:14with an informative
24:14and exciting relaunch
24:15Yes, they're replacing
24:16their outloaded pocket
24:17typewriters
24:18with something that looks
24:19like an iPhone
24:20but isn't
24:20and another thing
24:21that looks like a Blackberry
24:22and is
24:23Aren't they beautiful?
24:24But perhaps most startling of all
24:28Blackberry now has
24:29a new global creative director
24:31courtesy of an announcement
24:32straight out of
24:33The Celebrity Apprentice
24:34She's Blackberry's
24:35new global creative director
24:37Please welcome
24:38Mrs. Alicia Keys
24:40Yes, Alicia Keys
24:41They signed her
24:42because playing the piano
24:43and wearing hats
24:44are key business skills
24:46and not because
24:46the CEO wanted an excuse
24:48to get off with her on stage
24:49What's odd about
24:50the appointment of Alicia Keys
24:51is she's actually
24:52a Big Apple fan
24:53I mean she did a whole song
24:54about New York
24:55In fact the only thing
24:56Alicia Keys has to do
24:57with Blackberry
24:58is she's black
24:59and wears a beret
25:00and you wonder
25:01if she's ever really
25:02going to work
25:03I'll see you in the office
25:04Yeah, Monday
25:058 o'clock
25:06Thank you
25:06There was this amazing
25:08programme about Africa
25:10right
25:10all about this country
25:11called Africa
25:12which is why
25:13they called it that
25:14There's always charity
25:15things saying Africa
25:16is full of starving people
25:18and you should send them
25:19your money
25:19but that must be a con
25:21because you could see
25:22from the footage
25:23no one actually lives
25:24in Africa
25:24it flies over for ages
25:26and there's literally
25:27no one there
25:28and the reason
25:29no one's there
25:30is it's full of monsters
25:31there's like sort of
25:32hairy men monsters
25:33and tall horse monsters
25:35that run around
25:35like deck chairs would
25:36if deck chairs ran
25:37and these vagina head
25:38monsters that fight
25:39in ponds
25:40it's really frightening
25:41I'm glad it's miles away
25:42Normally animals
25:44are in zoos
25:45where people give them
25:46a sense of purpose
25:47by throwing nuts
25:48at them
25:48and watching them
25:49do tricks
25:50but because there's
25:52no people left
25:53in Africa
25:53the animals
25:55have gone mad
25:55like the elephants
25:56attack each other
25:58with their mouth sticks
25:59and the tall horse monsters
26:01have these head fighting
26:03competitions
26:04that look like
26:04they'd filmed Rocky
26:05inside two giraffes
26:06by mistake
26:07It was a bit of a monkey
26:09and his bum
26:09was a state right
26:10it was all ragged
26:11it looked like
26:12he'd been shitting
26:12I don't know
26:13metal hexagons
26:14or something
26:15to get an arsehole
26:15that torn up
26:16but there's no doctors
26:17in the jungle
26:17so he has to just
26:18walk around with it
26:19like that
26:19It's so bleak
26:21you can tell
26:21the animals are depressed
26:23some of them
26:24are just smashing
26:25stuff up
26:25some of them
26:26can't eat anymore
26:27you know
26:28some of them
26:28can't hack it
26:29so they just
26:30lie around
26:31there was this gazelle
26:32that had hung itself
26:33It'd show you
26:34amazing things
26:35you didn't know
26:36like how gazelles
26:37can float
26:38and how baby ostriches
26:39dance to music
26:40and how when a cricket
26:42falls on the floor
26:43it makes a massive noise
26:45like it's made of metal
26:46just like how
26:50Who Framed Roger Rabbit
26:51had all the cartoons
26:52in it
26:52this had all the animals
26:54all the famous animals
26:56crammed in together
26:56so the personalities clash
26:58in the jungle
26:59like I'm a celebrity
27:00and they eat horrible things
27:03too just like
27:04I'm a celebrity
27:04but they don't mind
27:06if they taste of animals
27:07because they're already animals
27:08so they can't taste it
27:10They nicked all this other stuff
27:12from reality shows
27:14like they have
27:15infrared night camera
27:16like on Big Brother
27:17so you can see
27:18what they do at night
27:19when they've been drinking
27:20He may have style
27:22but he's turning out
27:24to be something
27:24of a disappointment
27:25It's incredible
27:27what you learn
27:28like I discovered
27:29that no matter
27:30how majestic
27:31and incredible
27:32nature is
27:33if my phone beeps
27:35I can just ignore Africa
27:36and check my text
27:37without even thinking
27:38so really
27:39if the environment
27:40goes to shit
27:41and all those animals die
27:43you know
27:44I think I'll be able
27:45to carry on
27:46Hair
27:52and a simpering husband
27:53dribbles his way
27:54through a glossy
27:55cheeseball hair dyad
27:56Kate and I've been married
27:57for 15 years
27:58that's three moves
27:59five jobs
28:00two newborns
28:01it's no wonder
28:01I'm getting grey
28:02Grey?
28:03You're black and white
28:04But Kate
28:04still looks like
28:05Kate
28:07It'd be weird
28:07if she looked like
28:08the late Richard III
28:09I don't know all her secrets
28:10but I do know
28:11Kate's more beautiful now
28:12than the day I married her
28:13Yeah well the day
28:14you married her
28:15she was pale
28:15and shivering with regret
28:16you f***ing creep
28:17Well that's all
28:20we've got time for
28:21in this special
28:22compilation edition
28:23until we see you again
28:24go away
28:45the exhaust
28:52we'll see you again
28:54Thank you
28:54Thank you
28:54For the following
28:55video
28:56and how you can
29:00continue to join
29:01and we'll see you again
29:02take before
29:03or
29:04if you ask
29:04you
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