Gabriel Iglesias is one of the fastest rising comics today! With his unique brand of humor, loveable stage presence and a wide range of voices and impressions, it's no wonder he became an instant favorite on "Last Comic Standing." Now you can see Comedy Central's "Comic of the Year" in a sold out concert performance at the historic Fox Theater in Bakersfield, California.
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00:00:11Ladies and gentlemen, from Bakersfield, California, Gabriel Iglesia!
00:00:51Thank you! Thank you! Wow!
00:01:01Oh, yeah. I have no pressure. Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can't thank you guys enough for making this
00:01:08a completely sold-out house here, the Fox Theater.
00:01:16Yeah, man. You know, a lot of people were asking, where are you going to do your special? When you
00:01:19get to do your special, where are you going to do it?
00:01:21And a couple people said, well, are you going to do it in New York? Are you going to do
00:01:24it in L.A.? And I said, you know, L.A. and New York wasn't exactly where I got my
00:01:28start.
00:01:301997, my first theater performance was right here on this very stage.
00:01:41And I know some of you are looking at the background going, okay, then if he's showing Bakersfield love, how
00:01:46come he has a picture of Hawaii?
00:01:49And just so you know, that's not a picture of Hawaii. That's a picture of the Bluffs here in Bakersfield.
00:02:03I love you guys, man. I have way too many good memories here, man. Some of them are kind of
00:02:07blurred because I was...
00:02:11You can't have... Oh, seriously, around here, you got to be careful because the police here in Bakersfield, they don't
00:02:15mess around.
00:02:16They will stop you for anything, man. They got me outside.
00:02:20And you're... What are you doing?
00:02:22Walking.
00:02:27But I noticed something, though. If you can make a cop laugh, they will work with you.
00:02:32But you got to really make them laugh. You can't just make them go, ah, you got to make them,
00:02:36you know, ah, you know?
00:02:39I made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself.
00:02:43I know this because he told me. He was like, you don't understand. I damn near pissed myself.
00:02:52And here in Bakersfield, man, it's no different, man. I've had a... I love every part of this town. I
00:02:56even love Oildale.
00:03:00Oh, yeah.
00:03:03And for everybody watching at home going, what the hell is Oildale?
00:03:19but i still love it yes i still love it but yeah man drinking here in town you got to
00:03:24be careful
00:03:25though man because some people can handle alcohol you know who you are some people can
00:03:30you have no clue guys especially you know how it goes we get loaded we turn into one of three
00:03:37people
00:03:37right we're either the i love you guy i hate you guy or the mere guy you know that guy
00:03:44right
00:03:55i know because that's me oh my god i can't handle alcohol people when they get drunk they say things
00:04:02they don't mean and you know when i'm drunk you hear something like i'm going running
00:04:09you better cut me off oh hell yeah man and when i drink i only drink like regular alcohol i
00:04:16don't do
00:04:16beer beer just doesn't know beer makes me talk to my body i don't like that when i get drunk
00:04:22on beer
00:04:22i get weird i'm like you know what's the matter
00:04:35hey you said you could hang don't talk to me
00:04:44you're talking too
00:04:57that's what i say you just got to be careful you know and if you're gonna drink and you are
00:05:02thinking about driving don't do it you know it's not a good idea because like i said you know when
00:05:07you're drunk you know when you're drunk you're doing laps in the parking lot and you can't find
00:05:10the exit hello some of you make it out to the streets you know when you're drunk you're like you
00:05:15know
00:05:20behind you you hear shut up stupid you know if you hear if you hear the magical sound one of
00:05:32two
00:05:33things will pop into your head either one i'm okay i'm fine i can beat this or two i'm gonna
00:05:43go to jail
00:05:48i'm gonna go to jail i'm gonna go to jail i gotta let you go babe i'm gonna go to
00:05:54jail
00:05:55tell the kids i love them i'm gonna tell you right now again if you can make the police laugh
00:06:05you have
00:06:05a chance if you do get pulled over for drunk driving okay pull over as slowly and as safely as
00:06:11you can
00:06:11get over again now if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail okay you're already
00:06:20i'm gone
00:06:21have a little fun i don't mean take off in a high speed pursuit no no no no don't do
00:06:27that because
00:06:28you're not gonna get very far i mean if you're drunk and you know you're gonna go to jail you
00:06:32know and you
00:06:33have tinted windows have a little extra fun take off your seat belt jump over to the passenger side
00:06:40throw your seat belt back on and just wait for the cop
00:06:52you have no idea how bad you're gonna throw his ass off you guys he's gonna come over to the
00:06:57driver's
00:06:58side with a flashlight you're sitting there he was here a second ago
00:07:18i don't know where he went excuse me what me drive oh hell no i'm fucked up
00:07:38that's sad because i know some of you are going to try it man you're like
00:07:42like do what the fact i said do it and for the record i'm not fat i'm fluffy
00:07:53for those of you who still don't know there are five levels of fatness fluffy is one of the levels
00:07:59there's big healthy husky fluffy and damn i'm still number four people go how do you know when you're
00:08:07number five well because people will tell you you know if you try to get on an elevator that's
00:08:12crowded and people stop you and go uh-uh damn if you go to disneyland and little kids want to
00:08:19ride
00:08:19you i want to get on that one
00:08:29damn yeah i'm sorry little kids are too honest man they're like little alcoholics
00:08:33you know and as far as you know disneyland i love disneyland but they're not fluffy friendly
00:08:38they're not man they care about safety you know and it sucks because i can handle one bar one bar
00:08:44i'm cool but now they got the whole you know
00:08:49if you're fluffy one of those is not gonna lock you're trying
00:08:56people are in line you can do it
00:09:03one time i took a trip with my buddy mondo right big guy another big guy and uh i went
00:09:07with him
00:09:08because his family you know they decided to go and he didn't want to be the only one hanging out
00:09:11by the
00:09:11strollers so we're hanging out at the end of the day my buddy mondo goes dude we should get on
00:09:17a ride
00:09:17i go which one they all we can't get on none of them dude we're too big he goes there's
00:09:21a ride here at
00:09:22disneyland it's called splash mountain i go what is that he goes it's a log and you get inside the
00:09:29log and it goes uphill goes down makes a splash no seat belt no pool bar you just get in
00:09:36and go
00:09:37i'll go no seat belt no pool bar
00:09:43so we get in line for it right we're all pumped up and i see people getting off the ride
00:09:46with these
00:09:46little note cards i go what are those he goes oh they take a photo of you when you go
00:09:50downhill
00:09:51oh okay cool so we get to the front of the line and then we have to deal with the
00:09:54lady with the
00:09:54headset the lady who takes her job way too serious okay how many people four okay two here two here
00:10:00how many five okay three there two there and we get to the front how many people
00:10:06who cares we get our own boat right we take off
00:10:13we're splishing and splashing like little kids three minutes go by the moment of truth we get to the
00:10:21hill right
00:10:38my buddy mondo turns around and he says dude let's flash the camera
00:10:45i said you're stupid i'm down so as soon as it let us go right
00:11:00we get off the ride we are soaking wet we're all rosado right here we got a mean old baby
00:11:12rash
00:11:18we go to buy the picture and there's a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen
00:11:24and i asked my buddy mondo i said bro what boat are we he says 22. i go she's covering
00:11:3022. he goes oh
00:11:32we better sneak out of here oh yeah we're gonna sneak out
00:11:38we get past the picture girl but then we get stopped by disney security and you have not lived
00:11:44until you've been stopped by a freaky man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse
00:11:51this guy was like hold on hold on a second ma'am move your hand away from the screen
00:11:56you guys see what i see here that's a disgrace to this spark we can't believe anyone could take such
00:12:02a
00:12:02photo my question to you guys do you recognize the two big women in this picture
00:12:19and it wasn't until we walked over to this photo that my buddy armando and i realized something about
00:12:24ourselves and that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45 degree angle
00:12:32with no shirts on going like this
00:12:36we both look like sexy bitches
00:12:48but again if you're gonna drink just be careful you guys you know again some of you can handle and
00:12:53some can i got kicked out of a bar on saint patrick's day i was performing at the bar
00:13:01how do i get thrown out right you know i'm having fun people are giving me free drinks here have
00:13:05another drink i'm like i started pissing off the management and the owners of this irish place
00:13:11that i was at right the bartender's like hey buddy relax are you okay are you having a good time
00:13:27people around me oh my god are you irish i was like hey like what part of ireland are you
00:13:37from uh downtown
00:13:38town are you here by yourself oh no i'm not here by myself donkey
00:13:54now if you're not laughing you need to get out more often because that's a funny joke
00:13:58that's hysterical ask a 10 year old they'll tell you that's funny
00:14:02i did that joke one night in memphis tennessee and some guy thought he knew why i was funny and
00:14:07he was way
00:14:07off but he confronted me outside all drunk hey you fluffy i'm like what
00:14:16mirror no you mirror and he walks over and he's like i have to tell you your show was hysterical
00:14:22i damn near wet myself when you said donkey my friend roy didn't laugh so i had to explain it
00:14:29to
00:14:29him and he thinks i'm wrong but i know i'm right could just set the record straight sure what'd you
00:14:34tell
00:14:34your friend okay look here i told him the reason why it's funnier than hell but you said donkey it's
00:14:41because you're mexican
00:14:46and you people ride donkeys
00:14:54normally i would have been all over this guy but two things one i was in memphis tennessee
00:15:00no support and two the guy was drunk i just don't deal with drunk people man
00:15:06when it comes to drinking and women ladies when you go out make sure you take one guy with you
00:15:11you need to take one guy even if he's oh my god you need one
00:15:16because a group of you get together there's always one girl who will elect herself the team captain
00:15:21right try to rally the troops get everybody together you know okay look check it out this is
00:15:27a shut up okay look this is what's gonna happen we're gonna take my car so leave your car my
00:15:32car
00:15:33leave your car ready ready let's go they get in the car
00:15:42they get to the club
00:15:50oh no my purse
00:15:55they go inside the club they start jamming having fun right
00:16:06yeah
00:16:10end of the night that same girl who's been the leader the captain she gets more hammered than
00:16:15everybody she's the biggest hypocrite walking out missing a shoe purse keys friends car
00:16:21look at some of your pointing that's you
00:16:26and of the night she's stumbling out of the club
00:16:29i gotta pee
00:16:32not anymore
00:16:37she's on the curb crying mascara's coming down her face i'm so wasted
00:16:42who the hell is gonna want me now that's when i come out
00:16:54i keep coming back to alcohol huh i keep having these issues with it you know like i got loaded
00:16:59one night and i don't know what happened i accidentally wound up at this um dance place
00:17:06gentleman clubby place right i wasn't driving it was an accident we pulled up to the place
00:17:16i knew where i was at even when you're drunk you could be drunk and blind you know where you're
00:17:20at
00:17:20as long as you hear you know
00:17:26i walked in there and i got recognized by one of the dancers and you got to call them dancers
00:17:31or
00:17:31entertainers or they get mad at you they'll get mad i am not a stripper okay i am an entertainer
00:17:39i'm like no i'm an entertainer you're nasty
00:17:48some girl recognizing she's like oh my god i know who you are you're famous and i'm like oh no
00:17:53oh no and
00:17:55some other dancer who's spinning on a pole over her famous and she stopped just
00:18:00she walks over oh my god you're famous can i have your autograph okay you don't even know me
00:18:08i don't care sign it okay relax what's your name diamond what's your last name rodriguez
00:18:23to diamond with all my love and affection hurry up i got mad so i wrote george lopez
00:18:38i was drunk i didn't care all right i'm all loaded she freaked out she's like oh my god oh
00:18:46my god
00:18:47you're george lopez i can't help you guys i was so drunk i did this i said i know huh
00:19:09hey hey hey cabrona why are you crying why are you crying
00:19:22i won't lie you guys george knows i do that i don't think he likes it
00:19:29i've done that to a couple of other people you know i did that to paul rodriguez and paul was
00:19:33cool
00:19:34paul was really cool about it he was like you know hey i heard there's a guy out there
00:19:40who knows how to talk like me is that you i said yeah that's me that's pretty good i said
00:19:49i know huh
00:20:06that's how you do it
00:20:13now carlos knows i do that and he gets mad at me because
00:20:15he goes you gotta do it better
00:20:19no sometimes i use my voices for evil man i won't lie if i don't have my weight like when
00:20:24i go to
00:20:24drive-throughs and they screw up my order oh i'm evil i go back around and i start ordering but
00:20:31i
00:20:31throw them off by doing this right they'll come on the speaker looking a fantastic burger how can i help
00:20:36you and i'll do this hello sir hi can i please have a double cheeseburger and order fries and a
00:20:45shake
00:20:47oh my god yes thank you pull up to the window and i pull up oh they're not expecting me
00:21:02oh the look on their face is the best right did you just order
00:21:08they come back with a bag of food you know um would you like ketchup that's where i let them
00:21:12have
00:21:12it oh my god yes
00:21:22hell yeah man oh and by the way before i forget i know i have a habit of my shows
00:21:27of sometimes throwing
00:21:28a little spanish in there if you don't understand spanish i do apologize okay i promise i will be
00:21:33translating i don't want anybody freaking out or reporting me to the management with concerns or
00:21:38issues you know what the hell is going on in there what kind of show is this no somebody better
00:21:45hit the
00:21:45sap button on that sonbitch real quick i didn't pay good money to hear some samoyan speak spanish
00:21:57i'm not samoyan i'm fluffy i didn't know why the guy thought i was samoyan you know and i've had
00:22:05this happen a couple times where people go are you hawaiian like no no not just a shirt i thought
00:22:12it was
00:22:13just a shirt but no how could it just be a shirt just because you wear a freaking sombrero that
00:22:16doesn't
00:22:16make you mexican i see white people sink of the mind wearing a sarape walking a donkey with a
00:22:22sombrero you don't look at him and go hola amigo no you're like hey ted hi
00:22:28you know and he's walking around hola come on stupid donkey donkey come on
00:22:37i don't get it man i'm just trying to do my thing but it's funny though i didn't know why
00:22:41the guy thought
00:22:42i was hawaiian until i actually went to hawaii i found out that hawaiian people actually look
00:22:48like swollen mexicans they do i got off the plane i looked around i was like oh my god my
00:22:55family
00:22:57even they were like aloha brother lokele malo malo
00:23:09i love hawaii hawaii was great man they have a lot of different cultures there they have a lot
00:23:14of asian people a lot a lot of koreans i know this because i got a couple of shirts tailored
00:23:20at some
00:23:21places and every time i'd go in it was always a korean lady an older korean lady who was me
00:23:28i'd walk in and this one lady always had a comment to make i'm there for a week and every
00:23:32day she had a different comment i walk in one day and i couldn't say anything either because
00:23:36she was 75 years old i can't say nothing back you know but there i am walking in
00:23:42the lady behind the counter oh oh look at who's here look at who's here
00:23:50uh oh shit we're gonna work hard today
00:24:05whatever make fun of me but i can handle it though you know i can handle it people say well
00:24:10you know
00:24:11gabriel you go up there and you make fun of yourself no i don't i come up here and i
00:24:16tell you the things
00:24:16that i heard people say there's a difference you know sometimes i set myself up for jokes and i don't
00:24:22realize it three years ago i bought a beetle not even thinking that's not the joke shut up
00:24:33see i can't even tell you guys this story all right
00:24:37i wasn't thinking i bought the car because it was affordable economical brand
00:24:40new freaking beetle for like 17 grand i was like first new car i go to show it off at
00:24:46my friend
00:24:47martin's house i thought it was nice i pull up
00:24:55he lives in the hood i don't get out the car
00:24:59across the street there are these gang members the kind of gang members they don't really get into you
00:25:03know like shooting people and stuff like that they just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of
00:25:06smack
00:25:07and so i'm there in a beetle and across the street i hear this right i'm like martin and over
00:25:12here i hear
00:25:19hey what's up guys how's it going how'd you get in there is it
00:25:31hurry up martin two months later i go back to pick him up now i've had some time to work
00:25:38on the car
00:25:38right i put some rims on it some stickers i put a chip in the motor so it goes faster
00:25:43i thought it
00:25:44was bad right i pull up
00:25:50martin
00:25:55uh-uh i'm not turning around
00:25:58uh-uh i don't see you
00:26:08what check it out hey it's the fat and the furious
00:26:21i didn't even wait man
00:26:26got rid of that car man i traded it in and got myself a big old suv
00:26:31oh nice for a while this car freaking sucked on mileage so man i got 11 miles to the gallon
00:26:37oh you cannot be badass in a car that kills gas like i kill tacos you can't
00:26:43you can't be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars you know what
00:26:4920 bucks right there
00:26:53hell no man but it was kind of cool it had a gps navigational system in it
00:26:57an onstar which was really cool you know i'm driving and all of a sudden these girls talking to me
00:27:02right turn up ahead
00:27:07in three quarter tenths of a mile left turn and i'm like whatever you say baby
00:27:14being a big guy i've noticed that people feel compelled to tell me certain things after shows
00:27:19i get people to pull me aside and go gabriel you're a very funny guy you're very talented
00:27:24don't you think perhaps you're living a little excess in life and i'm like well i love to eat
00:27:30well don't you want to live to be a hundred well not if i can't eat tacos
00:27:36then as many as i want you know a lot of people think that just because you work out and
00:27:41lift
00:27:41weights and you eat right and you do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long life
00:27:45maybe you will but you know why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years
00:27:51were
00:27:51i'll measure by freaking you know what i mean
00:27:58what good is it to live to be a hundred but you didn't do anything you didn't go out and
00:28:02kick it
00:28:02with friends you didn't go out and get drunk at some club and wake up in an alley one time
00:28:06you know what good is it you stayed in the house and you were safe
00:28:10and i lived to be a hundred you know i don't know that's why i um you know i have
00:28:15a very big amount of
00:28:16respect for the crocodile hunter rest in peace but come on you guys yeah he died at 44 years old
00:28:22but
00:28:24he died doing what he loves to do not a lot of people can say that if i die tomorrow
00:28:30from
00:28:31over reading god bless me that's exactly how it was supposed to be
00:28:37you know how much adrenaline he had every single day risking his life you know how you feel when
00:28:42you're about to cross the street and a car and your ass almost gets hit and you're like
00:28:51and then you're hysterical oh my god i almost died touch me touch me right here touch me right here
00:29:00and the rest of the day you appreciate life you're like looking at the birds or at the sky
00:29:06you're loving life he did that every day that's why every day i try to live just a
00:29:12little bit of my life like i might not be here tomorrow because you never know i don't want to
00:29:16die tomorrow knowing i could have had a piece of cake tonight
00:29:26shoot that's when people tell me why don't you work out why don't you lift weights but what if i'm
00:29:29gonna die tomorrow i don't want to die sore i want to die full when the corner cuts me open
00:29:37i want the
00:29:37whole room to smell like potato wedges and he's gonna go this guy knew how to live right here man
00:29:44fun times you know but again the crocodile hunter i give him i give him a lot of love a
00:29:47lot of credit
00:29:48but you know people go he's such a loss to the nature community you know he taught us so much
00:29:54about
00:29:55nature and i got mad when i heard this lady on tv saying that he taught us a lot about
00:29:59nature and it
00:30:00was like no he didn't really teach a lot about nature if you want to learn about nature you watch
00:30:05discovery channel or one of these you know nature programs where they have a guy on safari and he's
00:30:10studying from afar crocodile hunter no come on every episode hey all you doing look over there right
00:30:18there it's a tiger that tiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in 10 seconds i'm gonna
00:30:25touch it
00:30:35i told you he's angry he's angry next episode hey that's a king cobra the most venomous snork in all
00:30:44the planet one boy now i'm dead i'm gonna pick it up he's angry
00:30:53if he really wanted people to think he was out there man america we should have borrowed him
00:30:58and send him to iraq with no gun just a camera crew you imagine how bad that would have freaked
00:31:06out
00:31:06the enemy you know you're freaking a soldier working for al-qaeda and you're out there you know
00:31:15and he's walking towards them wearing shorts
00:31:24and he's walking up to him hey look over there that's an arcada member
00:31:31an iraqi soldier one of the most dangerous creatures in all the planet one push of a button and i'm
00:31:37gone
00:31:39i'm gonna poke him with a stick
00:31:53he's angry
00:31:56he is so angry
00:31:59yeah man this country you guys i love living here in the united states i can't think of anywhere else
00:32:05i'd
00:32:05want to live some people say well you're mexican wouldn't you rather live in mexico
00:32:12uh i love mexico just visiting just visiting
00:32:17oh yeah i like it right here that's why it kind of bothers me whenever people go you know what
00:32:22is it
00:32:22like being a latino comedian i go i don't know i'm a comedian who happens to be latino what's the
00:32:29difference the difference is my special will air on comedy central not telemundo
00:32:42it's hard you guys you know you can speak a little spanish it freaks people out oh my god he's
00:32:49speaking spanish you know don't get me wrong i like watching spanish programming myself some of the
00:32:54stuff is really cool my favorite thing are the commercials because they're always about sex you
00:33:00don't even know what the product is until like the last two seconds it's always some model walking
00:33:04you're not all sexy right
00:33:13hola
00:33:16ay que rico
00:33:19and on the 28th second right
00:33:24pipsi
00:33:31and you're sitting there going i gotta go get a pipsi oh yeah oh my god i have a thing
00:33:40for soda
00:33:41i love it man i know they gave me water but oh soda i didn't even see that right there
00:33:46right excuse me
00:33:53oh no that's actually diet which is cool i'm not on a diet and it's funny because people go
00:33:59well then why do you drink diet soda so i can eat regular cake
00:34:06i love cake man are you kidding by the way i want to thank the three people who brought me
00:34:12a cake
00:34:12personally i have them in the back i really appreciate that was very nice of you the management and the
00:34:16promoters are freaking out they're like gabriel why do they all bring you cake i go because on tv
00:34:22i talked about one time how much i love cake and so people bring it my friend mando got mad
00:34:27he's like
00:34:28why don't you talk about hookers but yeah somebody asked me earlier too they said gabriel when you when
00:34:36you get to do your special are you gonna do anything about the country you're gonna talk about politics
00:34:39well i'm gonna talk about first of all how i love this country and i wouldn't want to live anywhere
00:34:42else i know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us
00:34:47would
00:34:47agree he's not i don't have to make fun of the president he does it by himself all right
00:34:58he does it by himself every time he comes on tv i can't wait to hear what he has to
00:35:05say
00:35:05especially during press conferences right mr president question it's been over a year what
00:35:12is your plan for katrina we're gonna find her that's right and we're gonna bring katrina to justice
00:35:22we have every reason to believe katrina's connected to al-qaeda k to katrina they both start with a k
00:35:31our president got elected i didn't vote for him but then again i didn't vote for the other guy
00:35:36either i was just like how bush won is beyond me americans we love to vote but we don't vote
00:35:42for
00:35:42presidents we vote for things like american idol because that's fun voting for presidents is not
00:35:50fun voting for american his shebang shebang that's what they should do for presidents you know just put
00:35:57both guys on tv for one hour call it something catchy like who's gonna run this bitch you put
00:36:04them on tv for an hour let them argue 30 minutes into the special you put an 800 number on
00:36:08the screen
00:36:08and say cast your vote right you've reached the presidential hotline for george bush press three
00:36:16john kerry press four other options press five you don't like either one press five please hold
00:36:34i knew you'd be back
00:36:44that's right you know you miss your daddy
00:36:52oh my god i'm such a dork i don't care but i have fun though you know one thing you
00:36:58guys definitely
00:36:59made possible is i have the ability now to travel and i never did that i never used to travel
00:37:04until
00:37:04i became a comedian i'm like oh my god there's a whole other world out there when i was hanging
00:37:08out
00:37:08in florida i got a chance to experience an amusement park that was a little different it was an alternative
00:37:13park called gatorland it's a real park and i've met the owners and they're really cool people but i
00:37:21got to tell you best part about this amusement park is they have a recording the funniest thing i've ever
00:37:26heard you call this park this is what you hear yeah you've reached gatorland america's premier gator
00:37:34extravaganza you've seen him on tv now come see him live gatorland you're gonna love this park
00:37:40then he says this for spanish press two oh i gotta hear this
00:37:48i don't speak spanish but you're gonna love this park
00:37:57oh i was dying i called him like 10 times
00:38:00oh that's the best oh starting to sweat a little huh too sexy
00:38:06i don't care though i have a lot of fun you guys you guys have made a lot of things
00:38:09possible
00:38:10um in the beginning when i first started coming here to bakersfield to the fox theater
00:38:14uh you guys showed a lot of i used to go to this taco truck place up the way called
00:38:18taco loco
00:38:23and still there i love food on wheels you know but this taco place has taken to the next level
00:38:31they're
00:38:31really really good there and i'm not they're not paying me nothing i'm just talking about them but
00:38:35i go to order and these guys were kind of you know the girls were cool but the guys were
00:38:39mean i try to
00:38:39order some food right i'm like hello and the guy was like what you want what you want oh hey
00:38:46dude can
00:38:47get two tacos chicken and a coke okay what else that's it
00:39:03whatever dude we've had a lot of fun we got to promote on a lot of different radio stations here
00:39:08in town to get the word out to you guys about the show they try to get me set up
00:39:12on the spanish radio
00:39:13station and i've done that in the past and it was okay but the last few times i had to
00:39:19say no because
00:39:20they put me on the radio with the guy who's like from mexico and i can speak spanish but you
00:39:25put me
00:39:26up against somebody from the motherland you know i walk in the studio and i'm dealing with this one
00:39:31guy right and then we go on the air and he's like i meet that same guy in the hallway
00:39:43he sounded just
00:39:45like that hey how's it going are we on the air no why are you talking like that and i
00:39:58freaked out
00:39:59because you imagine this guy goes home talking like that to his wife and his kids come two three
00:40:03o'clock in the morning his wife maybe wants to do a little something and she tells her man honey
00:40:07tonight when the kids are sleeping what are you going to do to me
00:40:33i know somebody who doesn't speak spanish is going to go home and try that tonight man
00:40:39see you better stop that
00:40:43see
00:40:46have a little fun
00:40:50like i said you guys i wasn't sure what was going to happen a lot of things have been happening
00:40:54over
00:40:55the years this past year i had uh the opportunity to be on a reality show and things kind of
00:40:59worked
00:41:00out a little weird um but hey all i can say is the winner the winner is the winner and
00:41:05he did what he
00:41:05did and he got what he got you know but hey this ain't bad for sixth place is it
00:41:17yeah i'm not the last comic standing but i'm the only one with a comedy central special
00:41:32i know my mom is here tonight she's like hello it's the pinchy eagle bye
00:41:38i love my mom she's over here you guys just say hi to her come on
00:41:46right there
00:41:49that little woman made me and she tells everybody no he came out of here
00:41:56i know but this is the road to success
00:42:03she is not shy she cracks me up though man because she likes what i do because it's working but
00:42:08she
00:42:08still doesn't get the jokes it's not that she doesn't speak english because she speaks perfect
00:42:12english she just doesn't see me as a comedian she sees me as her son i can't tell her a
00:42:18joke because
00:42:18then she questions it and kills it right i can tell her something like you know mom why'd the chicken
00:42:22cross the road and i'll get who let out the chicken
00:42:31it's a joke it's no joke baboso you know how much i pay for those chickens
00:42:40never mind no you never mind
00:42:44it's cool though man she's seen me do a lot of things uh a lot of people say well you
00:42:49gave your
00:42:49mama shout out what about your dad well he's not in the picture my father um let's put some beans
00:42:56out there my father was a mariachi way oh i swear to god dude he's one of those straight up
00:43:02you know
00:43:04and my mom hooked up with him about 30 plus years ago one night and uh you know nine months
00:43:09later
00:43:09and i came out
00:43:13so i have a vague memory of my father i knew him until i was about you know maybe four
00:43:17years old
00:43:18and then apparently they got the band back together and he took off
00:43:24and i don't remember exactly what he looks like and sometimes i'll take my mom out to dinner and
00:43:28i'll go mom just you know i don't mean to bug you about this but you know what what does
00:43:32he look
00:43:33like you know do you have any photos or anything i can get an idea and stuff and my mom
00:43:37she's funny
00:43:37she grabs the hot sauce he looks like that
00:43:46that's funny
00:43:47just like that
00:43:53those of you that don't know there's a picture of a mariachi on a bottle of hot sauce
00:43:59but yeah so we're doing okay somebody asked me they say well in your first special that you got to
00:44:05do
00:44:05you kept talking about this guy this friend of yours named felipe is he a real person he is a
00:44:11real
00:44:11person and he he's an old friend known him forever but he's one of these comedians who doesn't know when
00:44:18to stop being funny and that's why sometimes it's hard to hang out with the guy because you know
00:44:23i know when to quit especially around cops when i hear the joke is over
00:44:30if i hear you get an apology my friend didn't know when to draw the line you know and we're
00:44:36hanging
00:44:36out one day and sure enough freaking cop got mad oh you think it's real funny huh you think you
00:44:41think
00:44:41it's easy to be a police officer you see that scar i got stabbed in 92. see that bullet won't
00:44:4796.
00:44:48what do you got to say about that and i was like i have nothing to say about that my
00:44:51friend felipe is
00:44:52like oh yeah what are you doing fool watch this what are you doing he grabs my shirt pulls it
00:44:59up
00:44:59tells the cop fool you see those stretch marks donuts 1996.
00:45:09i said dude he's gonna kill us i know fool but it was funny huh
00:45:15and speaking of that i get pulled over by a cop one night two minutes after coming out of a
00:45:19crispy
00:45:19cream drive-through all right don't get ahead of me watch i made a left turn instead of making
00:45:24a right but i wasn't paying attention because i had a box i was like oh you're gonna get it
00:45:28when
00:45:29you get home oh you've been so bad so you're gonna get it i'm not paying attention i go the
00:45:38wrong way
00:45:38right sure enough i pull over later i'm sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking
00:45:56forever i said the hell with this he's taking too long i grabbed my box i put it on my
00:46:01lap i flipped it
00:46:02open right oh i was gonna get nasty and just as i was about to tear it up the cop
00:46:16gets to the window
00:46:17and says the same thing that they all say right you know why i stopped you it was too easy
00:46:22i looked
00:46:23at him and i said because you can smell it oh he was dying man son of a whatever he
00:46:39let me go man
00:46:42so i'm saying you just got to be careful if you can make a cop laugh you got a chance
00:46:47this past year i've uh i got to experience something else i experienced my first uh raider game
00:47:01and listen you guys it takes a lot of nerve for me to say that after the season that happened
00:47:09last year that i'm a fan and i became a fan last year you can hate if you want but
00:47:19you know what not
00:47:20only did i become a fan i did a show in oakland and i made a couple of jokes and
00:47:26references about the
00:47:27team and apparently there were two players in the audience i didn't know that maybe that's why they
00:47:35lost they should have been at home practicing but there were two there and they confronted me outside
00:47:43there were big guys like so you got a problem with the raiders and i'm like they grabbed me
00:47:50picked me up and pinned me against the wall oh my god luckily they fumbled me and i got away
00:48:11and people go well how do you come up with your material gabriel how do you come up with the
00:48:15things you're gonna say things happen to me and then i instead of just going to shrink or something
00:48:21i suck it up and i come up here like when i did the joke about the freaking volkswagen
00:48:25i really used to own a volkswagen i didn't just go let me see if this is funny i had
00:48:31a volkswagen
00:48:33no i lived it people go why do you wear hawaiian shirts i've always worn hawaiian shirts
00:48:37bottom line is simple why do i wear them because they fit
00:48:43they're colorful and i'm sorry when you wear a hawaiian shirt and you're living in the ghetto
00:48:47people don't think you're up to no good you're not a gang member wearing a hawaiian shirt nobody's
00:48:53going to take you serious you know where you from oh honolulu
00:48:57you can't be hard and colorful
00:49:09no way man believe me i've had my encounters i had a little encounter one time on a plane some
00:49:14guy was
00:49:14getting a little weird and i was like no more for me every time i get on a plane there's
00:49:18always drama
00:49:19always one time i'm flying to florida and our plane got hit by lightning
00:49:24uh-huh the plane dropped 600 feet straight down that's better than any ride you've ever been on
00:49:33i don't care who you are you could have been freaking doing 20 years in prison you killed a hundred
00:49:39people
00:49:40you can be the baddest toughest dude ever when you're in a plane and it just
00:49:44drops out of the sky oh i was gay for five seconds
00:49:51i'm not gonna lie
00:50:04oh i was a broke-back mexican yes i was
00:50:13i was in touch with myself
00:50:17i'm funny man anyways you guys before i go i just got one more good story to tell you
00:50:22i took uh i took a road trip about a year ago after i got rid of the beetle in
00:50:26the suv
00:50:27took a road trip from la to phoenix to go perform at this club let me tell you who's in
00:50:32the car
00:50:32i'm driving i got my buddy armando riding shotgun he's another fluffy guy we call him sexy
00:50:37bitch i don't call him that his wife calls him that he's a sexy bitch anyway in the back seat
00:50:45i got
00:50:45my friend martin next to him is my friend felipe so we take off we're on the 10 freeway we're
00:50:52passing
00:50:52all these indian casinos sorry we're stupid like that anyway all of a sudden all these cars start
00:51:01passing me right i'm getting annoyed because i'm driving a i said next car that tries to pass me
00:51:09i'm not gonna let him so i'm looking in the rear view mirror waiting looking waiting waiting and i
00:51:13see a silver dot the silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoochies in it right
00:51:19i said some of you guys are going how do you know they're hoochies because my friend martin was
00:51:23in the back seat going i feel a disturbance in the force
00:51:28they tried to go around and i cut them off
00:51:33i'm having fun they're back there whatever
00:51:38my friend felipe is in the back seat yelling at me oh what are you doing i go dude don't
00:51:43worry
00:51:43i'm having fun Gary you're gonna get pulled over dude i'm okay it's cool we're arguing going back
00:51:47and forth i'm not paying attention i don't see a california highway patrol officer creeping up on us
00:51:54all of a sudden i hear i look at the speedometer 102. oh i freaked out
00:52:08the little car that was behind me with the two hoochies they got pulled over because they were
00:52:11going just as fast you know i'm in the front seat of my car freaking out oh my god i'm
00:52:19on the verge of
00:52:20tears from the back seat i hear my friend felipe fool what are you crying for what are you crying
00:52:26for
00:52:26fool you're not the one with weed in his pocket are you
00:52:35you have drugs in the car i told you to slow down didn't i but no pikachu knows everything
00:52:47shoot everybody roll down your window i hurt the car mando fart do something man don't
00:52:52the cop walks over the window looks in sees my face recognizes me from tv right he's like hey i
00:52:59know
00:52:59you you're a comedian
00:53:05yeah you're that guy from comedy central you're the guy that does that joke about his friend at a hotel
00:53:09and you crank call him and you call him a dirty mexican and then you go but it was funny
00:53:13huh oh i love
00:53:14that joke that one and when you go chocolate cake oh i love that joke i hate to do this
00:53:20to you but we
00:53:21got two cars involved i need your license and registration okay here you go here you go so he
00:53:25takes my info goes back to the car with the two girls in it right the whole time he's back
00:53:29there i tell
00:53:30everybody in the car check it out he just recognized me from tv maybe if we have some fun with
00:53:35him crack
00:53:35some jokes maybe he won't take the car i don't care if i get a ticket but as long as
00:53:39he doesn't take the
00:53:40car mando be silly crack a joke martin be funny felipe what fool shut the hell up so the cop
00:53:46comes
00:53:46back to the car what the hell were you doing out there before i could think of something funny to
00:53:51say from the back seat i hear fool he was testing the suspension
00:53:57oh my god this pothead's gonna get me arrested officer i'm sorry that's my friend felipe that's
00:54:03the guy from the special that's the guy who says but it was funny huh he's just trying to get
00:54:07me in
00:54:07trouble i'm really sorry whatever so he goes back to his squad car with my driver's license and he's
00:54:13swiping it in a computer the whole time he's doing that he's being yelled at from the back seat of
00:54:18my
00:54:18car hey officer thank god you have a computer last week we got stopped in mexico that fool had a
00:54:26rolodex
00:54:29the cop starts dying i go oh we got him going we got him going i tell my buddy mando
00:54:35give me my cds
00:54:35i take out my bad boys two soundtrack and i pop it in track three is the theme song to
00:54:41cops
00:54:42i tell my friend felipe tell me when the cop starts walking okay fo here he comes i cranked that
00:54:48song as
00:54:48loud as i could bad boys what you going what you going what you gonna do
00:55:04best part now the cop is walking to the beat
00:55:14even better than that the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they're freaking out
00:55:18they're like oh my god we're gonna be on tv
00:55:24the cop goes to the girls gives them a ticket lets them go
00:55:29looks at our car and at this point we're like halfway through the song right we're like
00:55:44we got our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots
00:55:49the cop is in the middle of the freeway dying he walks over to the window and he's like shut
00:55:55it off
00:56:01ah yes sir hands me my license and the registration and he tells me gabriel
00:56:07i want you to do me a big favor i want you to keep this tank
00:56:11under a hundred you think you can do that
00:56:15do that for me keep on doing what you do and you have yourself a nice day
00:56:20okay that's it no ticket no ticket i don't know what possessed me to look at this man and go
00:56:29why
00:56:33how come the girls got a ticket and he tells me the coolest thing he says because they couldn't make
00:56:39me laugh
00:56:52you don't understand gabriel i've been on the force now for 26 years this is hands down the funniest
00:56:59damn traffic stop i've ever been a part of do you have any idea how hard it is to give
00:57:04two sluts a
00:57:05ticket while listening to cops i damn near pissed myself i was laughing so hard this is going in the
00:57:13books is one of the funniest things ever happened a police officer i swear to god the only story better
00:57:18than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him donuts
00:57:34so he starts walking away right and just as i'm about to start the car
00:57:43so does that mean i can keep my weed
00:57:49i turn around to yell at my friend too late the cop is at the window you want to run
00:57:53that by me again
00:57:54son you heard what i said fool oh you think this is a big joke don't you you think that
00:58:00just because
00:58:01i gave your buddy here a break i know who he is i like what he does i don't know
00:58:04you i don't like you
00:58:05step out of the car i turn around and my friend felipe is like oh i am so scared and
00:58:15the cop pulls out
00:58:15his gun i'm freaking out i'm like oh my god back seat my friend felipe oh i am so scared
00:58:26fool he's good
00:58:27he is good then he points it at him the look on my friend felipe's face
00:58:39are you serious are you serious i'm gonna go to jail i'm gonna go to jail
00:58:48the cop was like nah but that was funny huh
00:58:56i love you bakersfield thank you
00:59:18thank you
00:59:19thank you
00:59:22thank you
00:59:24thank you
00:59:24thank you
00:59:24thank you
00:59:25thank you
00:59:26thank you
00:59:27thank you
00:59:28thank you
00:59:29thank you
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