From the Vedas to Vasco da Gama to vacuous Bollywood plotlines, Vir Das celebrates the history of India with his one-of-a-kind perspective.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #virdas #virdascomedy #virdasstandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #virdas #virdascomedy #virdasstandup
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00:00:06If I could tell you four things about my country, where I'm from, what would they be?
00:00:13We'd probably agree on about three of them, and we'd probably fundamentally disagree on one of them.
00:00:19And that's okay. That one would be just for me.
00:00:23That's all tonight's show is. It's three for you, one for me.
00:00:28Are you ready to begin?
00:00:46All right, cool. Now, just to establish the format of the show, you will notice we have guests with us
00:00:51this evening in their very own special section, just like at the airport.
00:01:00Welcome, non-Indians.
00:01:01And what I'm trying to say is, I love you guys very deeply, but they pay in dollars, all right?
00:01:07So periodically through the show, I will take time to explain some references and context to the non-Indians.
00:01:13And let's face it, many, many Indians.
00:01:17Yo.
00:01:19I did this show in Mumbai recently. I was like, who discovered India? A girl was like, Christopher Columbus.
00:01:26These explanations are for her as well.
00:01:29And no judgment, Columbus made the same mistake.
00:01:34It's going to be a long evening for some of you.
00:01:38Everybody knows big things about India. We're going to start with five really small things about India.
00:01:44If you want to experience our country, you have to taste our country.
00:01:48Therefore, the first thing you must put in your bloody mouth is Javan Prash.
00:01:54Non-Indians. This is like an herbal, organic paste for good health.
00:01:58It's like peanut butter if you hate your children.
00:02:02But this paste is also a mystery.
00:02:04Over 50 years, nobody knows what is actually in Javan Prash.
00:02:08To write this joke, I googled, what is in Javan Prash?
00:02:12Google. The Google.
00:02:13Says gooseberry jam, ghee, honey, some herbs and spices.
00:02:21When even Google is like, I don't know, man, stuff.
00:02:24And yet you feel healthier when you have eaten Javan Prash.
00:02:27Like you, buddy.
00:02:28If you have a headache, Atil.
00:02:30And I take a knife.
00:02:31And I stab you in your spleen.
00:02:35You don't have a headache anymore.
00:02:39And that is the core principle behind Javan Prash.
00:02:47It inflicts upon you a taste so terrible at the end, just survival is considered good health.
00:02:52There is no one word to describe this taste, right?
00:02:55It tastes like commitment. That's all.
00:02:58It's the only food I've ever seen where you eat it with your face.
00:03:02Up here.
00:03:03And when you do, your leg shakes.
00:03:06Have you seen children eat Javan Prash?
00:03:09Nah.
00:03:11It travels through your body faster than the neurons in your own brain.
00:03:16It's basically a stroke.
00:03:1850 years of advertising, there is no slogan for Javan Prash.
00:03:25I think the slogan is just...
00:03:29That should be the actual ad.
00:03:30Javan Prash.
00:03:32Joke your children.
00:03:33The legal way.
00:03:36The one thing you must put on your face in our country is fair and lovely cream.
00:03:40Guys, it's racism in a tube.
00:03:42That's basically what it is.
00:03:43And yet we blame this on colonialism.
00:03:46Why?
00:03:46The British were never nicer to fairer Indians, were they?
00:03:50No, only we are.
00:03:54The British had a very clear policy, man.
00:03:57They were like, we are beige.
00:04:00Anything darker than beige, we oppress.
00:04:02Anything lighter than beige is German.
00:04:04And we don't fuck with those guys.
00:04:07In my industry, Bollywood, we have 10,000 projects a year for fair heroines.
00:04:11We have 10 projects every year for dusky heroines.
00:04:14All of them are art cinema.
00:04:17Because apparently nothing glamorous ever happens to dusky people in India.
00:04:20They fall out of their bed into pathos.
00:04:24And Radhika Aapte is in all of those projects.
00:04:31If we ever make a biopic about Radhika Aapte,
00:04:34Radhika Aapte, we'll have to play Radhika Aapte in her own goddamn biopic.
00:04:38Even in the South, any South Indians here make some noise, yeah?
00:04:42Where you have duskier heroes, you overcompensate for that shit.
00:04:46You put them next to the fairest girls in the world.
00:04:49That's all a South Indian movie is.
00:04:51It's contrast.
00:04:53You can't find the right setting on your television.
00:04:57If you look at the poster of a South Indian movie and blur your eyes,
00:05:01it looks like the symbol for yin and yang, all right?
00:05:07The first thing you must drink when you come to our country,
00:05:09ladies and gentlemen, is Old Monk Rum.
00:05:12Yes?
00:05:15Non-Indians, this is just diplomacy in a bottle.
00:05:18If we find a foreigner who likes Old Monk,
00:05:20we'll just give them a fucking passport.
00:05:21That's the rules.
00:05:23This rum is so strong,
00:05:25if you begin a story with,
00:05:27So, we were drinking Old Monk.
00:05:29You can skip to the end of the story.
00:05:32We don't need the beginning.
00:05:33We understand.
00:05:34Or the middle.
00:05:35So, we were drinking Old Monk,
00:05:36and now my right pupil doesn't work.
00:05:41So, we were drinking Old Monk,
00:05:43and the next morning,
00:05:44the currency was demonetized,
00:05:45and the economy had crashed.
00:05:47We didn't know how.
00:05:52Old Monk was launched in 1954.
00:05:57It takes seven years to age a batch of Old Monk.
00:06:03Which means we started making Old Monk in 1947.
00:06:08Which means the British left,
00:06:09and we were like,
00:06:10Shots, let's go.
00:06:14Because, you know,
00:06:15colonialism had to have a rap party, right?
00:06:17The night before they left.
00:06:18It's probably a pretty fuckhole rap party.
00:06:20You know, like,
00:06:21Mountbatten,
00:06:21Jinnah,
00:06:22Nehru,
00:06:22Gandhi,
00:06:23everybody's there.
00:06:24They had food and hors d'oeuvres.
00:06:26As usual,
00:06:27nobody was offering Gandhi any food.
00:06:31It's like,
00:06:31guys, they are leaving.
00:06:32I can eat now.
00:06:33I'm off duty.
00:06:37Jinnah showed up.
00:06:38They're like,
00:06:38hey man,
00:06:39what are you drinking?
00:06:39Oh, bloody Mary.
00:06:42Need some salt for the glass, though.
00:06:44Gandhi.
00:06:49Gandhi was like,
00:06:50alright.
00:06:56And then Nehru showed up,
00:06:58and he's like,
00:06:58guys,
00:06:58we're free,
00:06:59we should do Shots.
00:07:00And they're like,
00:07:01yeah,
00:07:01here's to freedom.
00:07:02Yeah.
00:07:07But if I had to pick one for me,
00:07:09I grew up spending my summers in Patna,
00:07:12in a house with an Angan.
00:07:13Not Indians.
00:07:14An Angan is just a random open courtyard
00:07:16in the middle of the house,
00:07:18where there should have been more fucking house.
00:07:21Sometimes we will just build a house around a tree,
00:07:24so that tree can die of loneliness.
00:07:27At tea time,
00:07:28I would run across the Angan,
00:07:29burn my feet,
00:07:30sit on my grandmother's lap,
00:07:32listen to a long bullshit story,
00:07:35waiting for biscuits.
00:07:37Because he who has the biscuits,
00:07:39gets to tell the story.
00:07:41At the end of the story,
00:07:42my grandmother would pull out a steel tin,
00:07:44and pull out the greatest biscuit in the world,
00:07:48Parleji.
00:07:49The Parleji.
00:07:53Non-Indians,
00:07:54on behalf of a billion people,
00:07:56can I humbly say,
00:07:57fuck your cookies.
00:08:02You don't even know.
00:08:04A cookie is just an overweight biscuit,
00:08:06with low self-esteem.
00:08:07That's all that shit is.
00:08:09Parleji, yo,
00:08:10is the greatest biscuit in the world,
00:08:14with tea.
00:08:18Parleji,
00:08:18with tea,
00:08:19you will not share with anybody.
00:08:21Parleji,
00:08:22without tea,
00:08:22doggie.
00:08:26It's because of the physics of the biscuit.
00:08:29When it's dry,
00:08:30it's hard as fuck.
00:08:32But you dip it in anything.
00:08:36No spinal cord,
00:08:37no core strength,
00:08:38just falls apart like a dead hamster.
00:08:41Who designed this biscuit,
00:08:44where the minute you expose it to liquid,
00:08:45it's gone.
00:08:46It's like an edible Mumbai road.
00:08:55Parleji is not a biscuit,
00:08:56it's a test,
00:08:58of your own timing and reflexes.
00:09:02No matter which country we are from,
00:09:04we have all had that moment,
00:09:05where we have,
00:09:07over-dipped the biscuit.
00:09:09We must now quickly,
00:09:12get the biscuit,
00:09:13from the cup,
00:09:14to our mouth.
00:09:16Over 73 years of independence,
00:09:18nobody has figured out,
00:09:19you need to start out with the cup,
00:09:21closer to your mouth.
00:09:24No,
00:09:24we start out with the cup in Pakistan.
00:09:27We are dipping over there.
00:09:29The only cup Pakistan will win this year,
00:09:31by the way.
00:09:36Hey,
00:09:37thread,
00:09:37hey,
00:09:37thread.
00:09:40And the worst feeling in the world,
00:09:42is when the Parleji falls into the cup of tea.
00:09:46And you have to use another Parleji
00:09:47to scoop out that Parleji.
00:09:51That one falls in as well.
00:09:53Now you're just stuck in an infinite loop,
00:09:55right?
00:09:55You have to keep going,
00:09:56commit to the process,
00:09:57until you hit incest,
00:09:58basically,
00:09:59right?
00:09:59Where there's no tea,
00:10:00it's just biscuit,
00:10:01penetrating biscuit,
00:10:02again and again.
00:10:03And at the end of it,
00:10:04you turn it over,
00:10:05it's just one big cylindrical biscuit.
00:10:08You flip that over to the side,
00:10:10and you slice it,
00:10:11and that's how you make Mari biscuits, guys.
00:10:13That's the recipe, actually.
00:10:16If you want to tell the story of our country,
00:10:19you have to begin with the stories of our country
00:10:22in the year 1000 BC with the Vedas.
00:10:26The Vedas are the original Sanskrit instruction manuals
00:10:29for Hinduism.
00:10:30There are four main Vedas.
00:10:32Underneath them are 209 sub-Vedas.
00:10:35This is how studious Indians are.
00:10:38Our first book is 213 books.
00:10:42There is one Bible.
00:10:46One Quran.
00:10:48Buddhists just have like a tree and a pamphlet.
00:10:50That's it.
00:10:56Fun fact,
00:10:57if you can read all the Vedas,
00:10:58you are not just a devout Hindu,
00:10:59but officially a chartered accountant, apparently.
00:11:02And yet,
00:11:03we will not shut up about how these Vedas
00:11:05have all the wisdom of the world.
00:11:06Have you met these people at parties?
00:11:08You know genetics,
00:11:09first in the Vedas.
00:11:10Pythagorean maths,
00:11:11first in the Vedas.
00:11:13Astronomy,
00:11:13first in the Vedas.
00:11:14The recipe for caramel custard,
00:11:16first in the Vedas.
00:11:17Bitcoin exchange rates,
00:11:18first in the Vedas.
00:11:20Harry was a Horcrux?
00:11:21No, he wasn't.
00:11:21Harry was a Veda.
00:11:25In my life,
00:11:25I have actually met
00:11:27a polyamorous atheist
00:11:28trans man from Noida.
00:11:31I haven't met one dude
00:11:33who has actually read a Veda.
00:11:35See, look at your faces.
00:11:38You're like,
00:11:38fuck the Vedas,
00:11:39who's the guy from Noida?
00:11:42That sounds like a story.
00:11:44America had arches.
00:11:46Europe had tinted.
00:11:48Asterix and obliques
00:11:49were set in Gaul.
00:11:51I don't know where Gaul is.
00:11:52It's somewhere near the bladder.
00:11:53I don't know.
00:11:56But in India,
00:11:57we had our very own comic,
00:11:59which was...
00:12:00Tinkle Bitches.
00:12:01That's right, yeah.
00:12:04No, no, not Tinkle Bitches.
00:12:06That's a very different comic.
00:12:09That just sounds like
00:12:10Peter Pan was a pimp.
00:12:13Yo, what up?
00:12:13I'm Peter P.
00:12:15These are my Tinkle Bitches.
00:12:17Hey, P.
00:12:19I need some fairy dust, bitches.
00:12:20I can fly, bitches.
00:12:22I can fly.
00:12:26Tinkle had three lead characters.
00:12:27There was Supandi.
00:12:30Stupid common man,
00:12:32also known as a voter.
00:12:35There was Shikari Shambhu,
00:12:37failed hunter.
00:12:38Just a guy who ran around with a gun,
00:12:40but who had never actually killed anyone.
00:12:41Also known as a Delhiite.
00:12:49Or an American.
00:12:52And the third
00:12:54was a crow named
00:12:56Kalia.
00:12:56Just a crow who flew around the forest
00:12:58giving people advice
00:12:59they never fucking asked for.
00:13:02Proving both in literature
00:13:03and in life,
00:13:04crows will not shut the fuck up.
00:13:06Doesn't matter what you do to a crow.
00:13:0917 of you could stab a crow,
00:13:10he will still come back to life
00:13:11in season 6.
00:13:17Yeah, Tinkle gets dark, man.
00:13:19Yeah.
00:13:21Like, Kalia comes back to life
00:13:23and then he hooks up with Supandi.
00:13:25They have mad sex.
00:13:27But then you find out
00:13:28Supandi's his aunt
00:13:29and this is incest.
00:13:31And then Kalia, like,
00:13:32stabs Supandi
00:13:33and she dies.
00:13:34But everybody wanted them
00:13:35to be together.
00:13:36Even though if they had,
00:13:37this is still incest.
00:13:38They would have had, like,
00:13:39fire-resistant,
00:13:40mentally-challenged babies together.
00:13:44Some of the old people are like,
00:13:45I have not read this issue
00:13:47of Tinkle at all.
00:13:51Should I explain?
00:13:52Fuck it, let's not.
00:13:54Because neither did the people
00:13:55who made Game of Thrones.
00:13:56So let's move on.
00:14:00Sometimes when we are mad
00:14:02at the book
00:14:02that actually works for the book,
00:14:04I submit to you
00:14:05the Satanic Verses
00:14:06by Salman Rushdie.
00:14:07Have you heard of this book?
00:14:07Yes?
00:14:08He went into hiding
00:14:09for 10 years.
00:14:10It was considered
00:14:11a distortion of the Quran.
00:14:13He got a fatwa.
00:14:14It's the first time
00:14:15I realized
00:14:15you could be upset
00:14:16at a book
00:14:19that wasn't published
00:14:20by the Central Board
00:14:20of Secondary Education.
00:14:21I didn't know that.
00:14:24I didn't even know
00:14:25what a fatwa was
00:14:26before the Satanic Verses.
00:14:28Fatwa just sounds
00:14:29like an Uber driver
00:14:30with a five-star rating.
00:14:32Fatwa will be arriving
00:14:33in one minute.
00:14:35Start hiding.
00:14:38By the way,
00:14:39a fatwa is not actually
00:14:40a death sentence.
00:14:40You guys know that shit, right?
00:14:41You can have
00:14:42very chilled-out fatwas.
00:14:43They're just proclamations.
00:14:44You can have a fatwa
00:14:45that is like,
00:14:46hey guys,
00:14:46Friday is smart casual.
00:14:49If you get time killed,
00:14:50Salman Rushdie.
00:14:51You can have chilled-out fatwas.
00:14:53Because Hindus,
00:14:54we don't have a death sentence
00:14:55in our culture.
00:14:56Do we guys?
00:14:57No.
00:14:58If we want to target
00:14:59a particular community
00:15:00or person,
00:15:01we have to design
00:15:02an entire election campaign
00:15:03around that shit.
00:15:09Hypothetically.
00:15:11If I had to pick
00:15:12a book for me,
00:15:13it would be the largest
00:15:14selling work of fiction
00:15:15in the history of India.
00:15:17Yes.
00:15:17It's our national newspaper
00:15:19in English.
00:15:20I cannot say their name
00:15:21because I'm told
00:15:22that they will sue
00:15:23the ever-loving shit
00:15:24out of me.
00:15:24But I'm told you can.
00:15:26It's got three words
00:15:27in the title.
00:15:28It is the...
00:15:30If you insist.
00:15:37When I was 27 years old,
00:15:39I did a corporate show
00:15:40for our national newspaper.
00:15:42They offered me a job
00:15:42on television
00:15:43the next morning.
00:15:44I'd never been to Bombay.
00:15:45They said I had a week
00:15:46to move here.
00:15:47I walked from their office
00:15:48on VT Station
00:15:49to Marine Drive,
00:15:51looked out at the skyline
00:15:52of Mumbai,
00:15:52smoked a cigarette
00:15:53and never left.
00:15:55That is a true story.
00:15:57Which is why
00:15:58it will never be published
00:15:59in our national newspaper.
00:16:04Our newspaper is like
00:16:06a gigantic leather dildo.
00:16:07Let's be honest.
00:16:08We know it's not real.
00:16:10Doesn't even feel very good.
00:16:13Yet I can't start my morning
00:16:15without one, guys.
00:16:16That is not a true story.
00:16:20Which is why
00:16:20it will probably be published
00:16:22in our national newspaper.
00:16:24I read this newspaper
00:16:25cover to cover
00:16:26every morning.
00:16:27And then just to be safe,
00:16:28I read my deodorant.
00:16:30just so I can have
00:16:31one actual fact
00:16:32in my mind
00:16:33for the rest of the day.
00:16:34I'm like,
00:16:35okay, I don't know
00:16:35what's happening in Kashmir,
00:16:37but polypropylene glycol
00:16:38definitely is flammable.
00:16:42They have a local supplement here.
00:16:44Let's call it
00:16:44the Wombey Times.
00:16:52They actually will sue, guys.
00:16:54I read.
00:16:55Do you know you can buy
00:16:56the front page
00:16:56of the Wombey Times,
00:16:57do you know that,
00:16:58for about 15 lakhs?
00:16:59Do you know how I know?
00:17:00I've done it twice.
00:17:04Yeah, I'm not famous.
00:17:06I'm just rich, guys.
00:17:07That's all that shit is.
00:17:08That's the only reason
00:17:09I'm putting this in my special.
00:17:10It's an experiment.
00:17:11I want to see if they deny it.
00:17:14Because if they deny it,
00:17:15they'll have to do an article.
00:17:21And if they do an article saying,
00:17:23Veerdas never bought the front page,
00:17:24historically,
00:17:25that is the first free article
00:17:27ever published by our national newspaper.
00:17:32But I submit to you that we do not tell our stories in our books.
00:17:36We tell our stories in our movies.
00:17:38So if you're going to watch our movies,
00:17:40young and old,
00:17:41the first movie you must begin with
00:17:42is a movie by the name of
00:17:43Amar Akbar Anthony.
00:17:46Non-Indians,
00:17:47let me take you through the plot
00:17:48of this badass Bollywood movie.
00:17:50The year was 1977.
00:17:53Three baby brothers
00:17:54were separated at birth.
00:17:55Because in the 70s,
00:17:57that's just shit that happened every day.
00:18:00You could not find
00:18:01one responsible maternity hospital
00:18:03in all of India.
00:18:04We just treated babies
00:18:05like Ikea products.
00:18:06We unpacked them
00:18:07and threw away the paperwork immediately.
00:18:10Now,
00:18:11these three brothers,
00:18:12one grew up to be a Muslim,
00:18:13one grew up to be a Christian,
00:18:13one grew up to be a Hindu.
00:18:15Muslim fell in love with a Muslim,
00:18:16Christian fell in love with a Christian,
00:18:17Hindu fell in love with a Hindu.
00:18:18Because even in fiction,
00:18:19we shall not dilute the race.
00:18:25It has the greatest cinematic miracle
00:18:28I have ever seen.
00:18:29So, check it out.
00:18:30The mom is blind.
00:18:34Now, at some point,
00:18:35this lady goes to a Sai Baba temple.
00:18:38Sai Baba is like a chain-smoking guru.
00:18:40She prays to his statue.
00:18:43We're going to pretend like I didn't say that.
00:18:45Fucking stay with me.
00:18:46She prays to his statue.
00:18:48Sai Baba statue's eyes light up with fire,
00:18:52which floats into the mom's eyes
00:18:54and that chick can see again.
00:19:00Why are we wasting our time
00:19:01with Hinduism, Christianity and Islam?
00:19:04Sai Baba is doing Lastic surgery
00:19:05on a daily basis.
00:19:09What a movie, man.
00:19:10Three brothers
00:19:11who look nothing like each other at all.
00:19:14Nobody ever spoke about this.
00:19:17Not one brother was like,
00:19:18Hey, mom.
00:19:22How popular were you in college, mom?
00:19:26I mean, I know you're blind,
00:19:28but could you not recognize dads?
00:19:31Could you give him a password or something?
00:19:34He comes into the room like,
00:19:35Marco, you're like Kholo.
00:19:37I don't know, a system?
00:19:38A system?
00:19:42My career's over.
00:19:43It's fine.
00:19:46The next movie you must watch
00:19:47is a movie by the name of
00:19:48Dil Chata Hai.
00:19:51This is our first realistic
00:19:53coming-of-age story.
00:19:55Three boys.
00:19:56One gets a job in Australia.
00:19:57One falls in love with an older woman.
00:19:59One exists.
00:20:02The reason I like this movie
00:20:04is it redefined
00:20:05the wedding interruption scene forever.
00:20:07See, in Bollywood,
00:20:08we interrupt weddings
00:20:09because who cares about
00:20:10what the girl actually wants.
00:20:13White people have a clause
00:20:15for this in their weddings, right?
00:20:16At some point,
00:20:17the priest goes,
00:20:17If any man here
00:20:18should object to this union,
00:20:20let him speak now or
00:20:23forever hold his peace.
00:20:24Now, in India,
00:20:25we can't work with the clause
00:20:27because that requires punctuality.
00:20:32So, we interrupt a wedding
00:20:34whenever the fuck
00:20:35we feel like it
00:20:37with the greatest line
00:20:38in cinematic history,
00:20:40Yeh shadi
00:20:42Nahi osakti.
00:20:43Translation,
00:20:44this wedding cannot happen.
00:20:48Look at the arrogance.
00:20:51Not this wedding should not happen.
00:20:53Not this wedding might not happen.
00:20:56This wedding cannot happen.
00:20:58And nobody ever counters
00:21:00that shit with logic, right?
00:21:02Nobody's ever like,
00:21:03Bro, look around.
00:21:04There's a tent
00:21:05and a bride
00:21:06and a groom
00:21:06and a pandit
00:21:07and a fire
00:21:07and vanilla ice cream
00:21:08and chocolate sauce
00:21:09and a pasta station.
00:21:10It's happening, bro.
00:21:13These things do not
00:21:14randomly come together
00:21:15on a Tuesday for no reason.
00:21:18That's the reason
00:21:19I love this movie.
00:21:20It simplified it so much.
00:21:21The boy, Aamir,
00:21:23shows up at the girl
00:21:23Preeti's wedding.
00:21:24Aamir is like,
00:21:26Hi.
00:21:27And Preeti's like,
00:21:28Hi.
00:21:30And then her fiancé,
00:21:31Ayub, shows up.
00:21:32Right?
00:21:32And Aamir is like,
00:21:33Uh-uh.
00:21:35And he stops.
00:21:38And then they leave.
00:21:40And the movie's over.
00:21:43That's...
00:21:43Who the fuck are you?
00:21:44Iron Man?
00:21:44What happened?
00:21:47I don't know.
00:21:48It was so efficient.
00:21:49Just vote for Congress,
00:21:50bang the girl.
00:21:51That's it.
00:21:57Now, if that was the election slogan,
00:21:58Rahul Gandhi would be
00:21:59Prime Minister right now.
00:22:03Can you imagine
00:22:04if that actually happened?
00:22:06Like, you went in a booth
00:22:07and you voted for Congress
00:22:08and then a girl showed up
00:22:10like, come on.
00:22:12That's an actual
00:22:12good day.
00:22:15If you're gonna watch our movies,
00:22:17watch The Jungle Book.
00:22:18Not the bastardized
00:22:19Disney live-action version.
00:22:21Way before that,
00:22:21we had our own
00:22:22weekly cartoon on television
00:22:24with the best
00:22:25opening song ever.
00:22:28Jungle, jungle,
00:22:29pata chala hai.
00:22:31Chadi pehen ke phool khila hai.
00:22:33Chadi pehen ke phool khila hai.
00:22:35Translation?
00:22:46Big news
00:22:47from The Jungle.
00:22:49The Jungle has a new flower
00:22:52and he has grown
00:22:53inside an underwear.
00:22:57Ladies and gentlemen,
00:22:58I do not know
00:22:58what is growing
00:22:58inside your underwear.
00:23:01But if it resembles
00:23:02horticulture,
00:23:03call a doctor right now.
00:23:05It's so Indian.
00:23:06Don't worry.
00:23:07Chadi pehen ke phool khila hai.
00:23:08Don't worry.
00:23:09We forget that
00:23:10this is an Indian story
00:23:11because the panther
00:23:12is British
00:23:12and the bear
00:23:13is American
00:23:13and the snake
00:23:14is a white lady.
00:23:15Fuck off.
00:23:16Where is this
00:23:16diverse jungle
00:23:17with loose
00:23:18immigration policies?
00:23:19Please tell me.
00:23:20It's not a jungle.
00:23:21This is a garden
00:23:22at the Google campus.
00:23:24This is an Indian story.
00:23:26Alright?
00:23:26These are Indian names.
00:23:27Hathi,
00:23:28Bagheera,
00:23:29Bhalu.
00:23:30And yet,
00:23:31I've never met
00:23:32one Mowgli.
00:23:35Not even in Noida.
00:23:39Anybody met a Mowgli?
00:23:40Mowgli Sinha?
00:23:43Mowgli Gupta?
00:23:45Narendra Mowgli?
00:23:46Anybody met a Narendra Mowgli?
00:23:50Maybe that's who
00:23:51Mowgli grew up to be.
00:23:52Their prime minister.
00:23:54Just in the forest
00:23:55forcibly hugging animals.
00:23:57The crocodile's like,
00:23:58I'm not really crying, man.
00:23:59This is just a PR opportunity.
00:24:06Having gigantic
00:24:07Howdy Mowgli events.
00:24:09Holding hands with orangutans
00:24:11really hard.
00:24:13Same orange.
00:24:19Just standing in the forest
00:24:20like,
00:24:21Janvara!
00:24:24Tomorrow morning,
00:24:25these trees are invalid.
00:24:28And meet your new home minister,
00:24:30Shere Khan.
00:24:35If I had to pick a movie for me,
00:24:37when I was eight years old,
00:24:38my parents decided to scare
00:24:40the shit out of me
00:24:41by showing me
00:24:42by showing me a movie
00:24:42called Peace Sal Bad.
00:24:43Have you seen this movie here?
00:24:45It introduced me
00:24:46to the chudel.
00:24:47Non-Indians.
00:24:48Let me explain the chudel.
00:24:49These are female demons, right?
00:24:51And they got fucked up hair
00:24:53and like long fingernails.
00:24:55And they come out at night
00:24:56to kill men.
00:24:57And they have backwards feet.
00:24:58Backwards feet.
00:24:59All chudels.
00:24:59Backwards feet.
00:25:00Compulsory.
00:25:02I grew up in Delhi.
00:25:03Anybody else grew up in Delhi, yeah?
00:25:06We have actual chudels in Delhi, right?
00:25:09I did not mean to point at you
00:25:10when I said that.
00:25:11What I mean is...
00:25:12No, I apologize.
00:25:15It's a general statement.
00:25:17It's a...
00:25:17I'm not going to be a shirt.
00:25:18It's a Netflix film.
00:25:19You know...
00:25:21We have...
00:25:22We have actual chudels in Delhi, right?
00:25:24Like, have you heard of
00:25:25the lady in the white sadi?
00:25:27Have you heard of that?
00:25:27Yeah.
00:25:28This is an actual chudel
00:25:29who comes out in the middle
00:25:31of the night in Delhi
00:25:31in a white sadi.
00:25:33And she asks gentlemen
00:25:34driving alone for a lift.
00:25:37And if you do not give her a lift,
00:25:38she runs backwards
00:25:40alongside your car.
00:25:44Making eye contact with you
00:25:45through your own window.
00:25:48As your car speeds up
00:25:5020, 30, 40, 50, 60, 90,
00:25:51she keeps time on backwards feet.
00:25:54Because that's how much
00:25:55Delhi girls hate rejection.
00:25:57Alright?
00:26:02I'm not trying to be an asshole, okay?
00:26:04I'm just saying
00:26:05this woman
00:26:05has been keeping time
00:26:06with cars
00:26:07at top speeds
00:26:08for 50 years.
00:26:10And in 50 years,
00:26:11not one person
00:26:13from the Indian Olympics Association
00:26:19has considered this
00:26:20an opportunity.
00:26:22This is an Olympics
00:26:23I'd love to see.
00:26:24Welcome to the 2046 Olympics
00:26:27women's 100 meters finals.
00:26:29Three women in the finals.
00:26:30From America,
00:26:31Florence Griffith Joyner Jr.
00:26:33From China,
00:26:34Zing Hwan
00:26:35and from India.
00:26:36Oh, Jesus Christ!
00:26:41Savitri the trail.
00:26:42Alright.
00:26:43The gun is fired,
00:26:44the women are off,
00:26:45the American in the lead,
00:26:46the Chinese in second,
00:26:47and the Indian is
00:26:48f*** moonwalking,
00:26:49ladies and gentlemen.
00:26:50She is moonwalking.
00:26:51I've never...
00:26:52Oh my God,
00:26:53she has stabbed the Chinese runner
00:26:54in her chest
00:26:55with her fingernails.
00:26:57The American,
00:26:58now running for country
00:27:00and life,
00:27:03has crossed the finish line,
00:27:05broken the 100 meters
00:27:06world record
00:27:07and is still running,
00:27:08ladies and gentlemen.
00:27:09Yes.
00:27:11Both women have left the stadium,
00:27:13the American is in a car,
00:27:14the Indian is running
00:27:14alongside,
00:27:15backwards.
00:27:17The Indian appears
00:27:18to be screaming something,
00:27:19I believe it's,
00:27:20greater ke lashtak chhoddena,
00:27:22please.
00:27:27So now I believe in chodeyaz.
00:27:30If we're going to understand
00:27:31our country,
00:27:32we have to understand
00:27:33our beliefs.
00:27:34Do you agree?
00:27:36Right?
00:27:36And what we must understand
00:27:37is that they are not true,
00:27:39but we really f***ing believe them.
00:27:42For instance,
00:27:42all Indians must stand
00:27:44for the National Anthem.
00:27:47I believe it.
00:27:48But technically,
00:27:49we don't have to.
00:27:51Probably should.
00:27:52Safety issue.
00:27:55Because there are other dudes
00:27:56multitasking in the room,
00:27:58singing while whooping ass.
00:28:03So stand for the National Anthem,
00:28:05man.
00:28:05It's pretty chilled out,
00:28:06our National Anthem,
00:28:07like a definitive end.
00:28:08It's not too long, right?
00:28:09You know when it's over,
00:28:10we all just kind of go,
00:28:11Jaya, Jaya, Jaya, Jaya, Jaya,
00:28:17Nobody died.
00:28:18Okay, sit down.
00:28:21These guys never know
00:28:22when to sit down.
00:28:23For the land of the free
00:28:26and the home of the brave,
00:28:48and the home of the brave.
00:28:56the announcement says,
00:28:57please.
00:29:01Please stand for the National Anthem
00:29:03and standard Indian rules.
00:29:05If the announcement says,
00:29:06please,
00:29:07we don't do that shit.
00:29:10Please wait till your plane
00:29:12has reached the gate
00:29:13before you use your cell phone.
00:29:17Fuck off.
00:29:19We are in the air,
00:29:20we see a building,
00:29:21we recognize,
00:29:21we'll start trying to call people,
00:29:22right?
00:29:24Please don't piss on the wall,
00:29:25that's what walls are for.
00:29:28America should be very grateful
00:29:29they share a border with Mexico,
00:29:31not ours.
00:29:34Because,
00:29:35you know,
00:29:37if it was us and they built a wall,
00:29:39they'd have a very different
00:29:40problem on their hands.
00:29:42Why do they keep pissing on us?
00:29:50You're picturing that now,
00:29:51aren't you?
00:29:51Just having...
00:29:58Aditi Devo Bhava.
00:30:00This is a big Indian value.
00:30:01Translation?
00:30:03Guest is God.
00:30:04I believe it.
00:30:05But technically,
00:30:06having legendary hospitality
00:30:07has not really worked out
00:30:08for us throughout history.
00:30:12When you greet every foreigner
00:30:13with namaste,
00:30:14you are God,
00:30:14they tend to stick around
00:30:15for a while.
00:30:17We go too far
00:30:18with the hospitality,
00:30:19with the tikka
00:30:20and the garlands
00:30:20and the welcome drink
00:30:21because we don't actually
00:30:22mean that shit.
00:30:23I mean,
00:30:24we like you guys,
00:30:25we love it when you come to India,
00:30:26but we just wish
00:30:27we got the same hospitality
00:30:28when we went abroad,
00:30:29right?
00:30:30Like,
00:30:30maybe a good start
00:30:31is don't make us submit
00:30:32fingerprints to come to your country.
00:30:34That's a...
00:30:35You know,
00:30:35I always find that embarrassing.
00:30:36I have to submit my fingerprint
00:30:37to enter your country.
00:30:39which is why
00:30:40when you come to mine,
00:30:41I take the same fingerprint
00:30:42and put it on your head.
00:30:51That's not respect,
00:30:52that's revenge, guys.
00:30:54My biometrics are not just in your system.
00:30:56They're on your face, bitch.
00:30:57On your face.
00:31:02Just look at our face
00:31:03when we garland you
00:31:03at the hotel.
00:31:06We look like brides
00:31:07who are being forced
00:31:07into arranged marriages
00:31:08to avoid honour killings,
00:31:10you know, right?
00:31:11But the welcome drink
00:31:12we get excited about, right?
00:31:14Like,
00:31:14have you seen a hotel's face
00:31:15when you refuse a welcome drink?
00:31:16They're just like,
00:31:17oh!
00:31:19They look like
00:31:20you punched a baby
00:31:21or some shit like that.
00:31:23I'm assuming.
00:31:25Fuck,
00:31:26you guys are damn
00:31:26uncomfortable, man.
00:31:28Relax,
00:31:28I would never punch a baby, guys.
00:31:30Unless that baby stole my
00:31:32parley gene
00:31:32because I punched the shit
00:31:33out of that bed.
00:31:34The baby's going down
00:31:37for a nap.
00:31:38Relax, guys.
00:31:39The baby's sleeping
00:31:40because I punched it twice.
00:31:42That's why.
00:31:46I wrote that joke
00:31:47at 7 o'clock
00:31:48in the morning
00:31:49on the breakfast table
00:31:50and my wife was like,
00:31:51what are you giggling at?
00:31:54So I told her
00:31:56and watched her
00:31:57just re-evaluate
00:31:58every life decision
00:31:59she had ever made.
00:32:01And then I punched our baby.
00:32:04I'll stop.
00:32:05I'll move on.
00:32:05I'm done.
00:32:06I'm done.
00:32:06I'm sorry.
00:32:07I apologize.
00:32:08I can do this for six hours.
00:32:09It's really easy, guys.
00:32:10It's like punching a baby,
00:32:11actually.
00:32:12That easy.
00:32:15You guys didn't see
00:32:15that last one coming.
00:32:17Neither did the baby.
00:32:18Even he was surprised.
00:32:23Really?
00:32:25Punching babies.
00:32:25Yeah!
00:32:27Speaking of punching babies,
00:32:30our biggest value,
00:32:31all Indians
00:32:32must respect
00:32:33their elders.
00:32:34This is our greatest hit.
00:32:35Our sweet child of mine.
00:32:39I believe it.
00:32:40But technically,
00:32:41old people are useless
00:32:42and entitled
00:32:43when you give them power.
00:32:45You ever seen
00:32:46an Indian uncle
00:32:46at a restaurant?
00:32:48I will have
00:32:49omelette.
00:32:51But uncle,
00:32:53this is a Chinese restaurant.
00:32:55Huh?
00:33:00Omelette.
00:33:03But we don't do that.
00:33:04Alright,
00:33:05I guess we're
00:33:06serving breakfast now.
00:33:07Come on,
00:33:07break some eggs,
00:33:07make an omelette.
00:33:09we have the youngest population
00:33:10in the world
00:33:11with some of the oldest leadership.
00:33:12That's how they rule us.
00:33:14I will have
00:33:14hatred.
00:33:18But we're a free country
00:33:19with human rights.
00:33:22Huh.
00:33:29Hatred.
00:33:31But we don't do that.
00:33:32Hatred!
00:33:32Alright,
00:33:33I guess we're serving hatred now.
00:33:34Break a masjid,
00:33:35make a mandir.
00:33:39And look,
00:33:40I get that Indian
00:33:41grandparents'
00:33:42old people
00:33:42had tough lives.
00:33:43We know this, right?
00:33:44Because they wouldn't
00:33:44shut the fuck up
00:33:45about how tough
00:33:46their lives were.
00:33:47We have all heard
00:33:48these stories of walking,
00:33:49yes,
00:33:50yeah?
00:33:51They had to walk
00:33:5265 kilometers to school
00:33:53one way
00:33:54and 145 kilometers
00:33:56the other way.
00:33:58Why?
00:33:59Was the shape of the earth
00:34:00shifting while you were
00:34:01in school?
00:34:02Were tectonic plates moving?
00:34:04They had to walk
00:34:05for school
00:34:05and sunlight
00:34:06and books
00:34:07and sanitation.
00:34:09Why was nobody
00:34:09living near the things
00:34:11you needed to survive?
00:34:12Who did your civic planning?
00:34:14Oh, wait.
00:34:20Come on.
00:34:22This is just revenge
00:34:23for every
00:34:24oh-po-to-po-to-po-to
00:34:25joke we see
00:34:26in American stand-up comedy,
00:34:27alright?
00:34:34And I know
00:34:35you didn't do
00:34:35our civic planning.
00:34:36It was your granddad.
00:34:37Relax.
00:34:37We all know this stuff.
00:34:39If I had to pick
00:34:40a value for me,
00:34:41I hear this everywhere I go.
00:34:43Indians don't have
00:34:43a sense of humor.
00:34:45And it pisses me off.
00:34:47Because it's true.
00:34:48But you don't say
00:34:49that shit out loud.
00:34:51So I need to apologize
00:34:52to multiple brands
00:34:53because the people
00:34:54who are going to boycott
00:34:55me and this special
00:34:56and have a reaction,
00:34:57they don't read much.
00:35:00They kind of
00:35:01react first,
00:35:02read later.
00:35:02You know what I mean?
00:35:03So they're going to
00:35:04boycott like Netflix,
00:35:06Nutflex, Nutriflex,
00:35:07Nutflex,
00:35:09Veerdas,
00:35:10Surdas,
00:35:10Sundas,
00:35:11Haagen-Das,
00:35:12Adidas.
00:35:15Snapdeal,
00:35:16Snapchat,
00:35:16Amazon,
00:35:18and Ayushman Khurana.
00:35:19It's going to happen.
00:35:22Sorry, Ayushman.
00:35:25As long as India
00:35:26has had legendary
00:35:27hospitality,
00:35:28foreigners have always
00:35:28showed up to our show
00:35:29to find yourselves.
00:35:30I think that's a beautiful
00:35:31part of your journey
00:35:32that you come to India
00:35:33to find yourself.
00:35:35It really is a very
00:35:36beautiful thing
00:35:36because Indians,
00:35:37we go abroad
00:35:38and hope nobody
00:35:39finds us at all.
00:35:43Including our own
00:35:44fucking families.
00:35:46So here are some
00:35:47foreigners that really
00:35:48found themselves in India.
00:35:49You have to begin
00:35:49with the man who
00:35:50discovered India,
00:35:51a man by the name of
00:35:53Vaz Kodagama.
00:35:54Well done.
00:35:55Portuguese explorer.
00:35:56Took a Spanish armada,
00:35:57sailed around Africa,
00:35:59through Mombasa,
00:36:00met Columbus,
00:36:01gave him shitty directions,
00:36:02moved on,
00:36:05landed in Calicut.
00:36:06But not to be confused
00:36:08with Kolkata.
00:36:09That's a different
00:36:10discovery of India.
00:36:12If he mates Bengalis
00:36:14first.
00:36:16Any Bengalis in the audience
00:36:17make some noise?
00:36:18Bengalis, yeah?
00:36:19Yeah, you know,
00:36:19Bengalis, you're kind of
00:36:20like the Indian hipsters,
00:36:22you know?
00:36:23Except hipsters
00:36:23choose poverty.
00:36:27But you know,
00:36:28you're all thinkers,
00:36:29you write poetry,
00:36:30all the poetry is about
00:36:31how awesome you are.
00:36:34There's no angst.
00:36:35Bengalis,
00:36:36it's not hip-hop.
00:36:36They never had like,
00:36:37fuck the police.
00:36:40Bengalis said,
00:36:40if I was Polish,
00:36:41Polish would be better.
00:36:44I'm me Polish.
00:36:46If we met Bengalis,
00:36:49he just wouldn't have
00:36:49gone back.
00:36:51They send another ship,
00:36:52find him 40 kilos,
00:36:53overweight,
00:36:53chain smoking
00:36:54at 2 o'clock
00:36:54in the afternoon.
00:36:57Are you Vaz Kodagama?
00:36:59I used to be.
00:37:02Now I'm Vaz Kodag.
00:37:09But the queen wants to see you.
00:37:11Tell Didi to wait.
00:37:16What other foreigners
00:37:18found themselves in India?
00:37:19Mother Teresa?
00:37:25All right.
00:37:28Here's what's gonna happen.
00:37:31I'm gonna do a Mother Teresa joke,
00:37:33guys.
00:37:38I have to,
00:37:39guys.
00:37:41I don't want to,
00:37:42but
00:37:43she's on the list.
00:37:47Now when I do this joke,
00:37:48your entire body
00:37:49is going to seize up.
00:37:52Instantly,
00:37:52you're gonna be like,
00:37:53Thu, Thu,
00:37:53fuck this guy.
00:37:55And then I need you
00:37:56to just breathe.
00:37:57All right.
00:37:58Just breathe.
00:37:58Don't laugh yet.
00:37:59No pressure.
00:38:00Just take the joke
00:38:00home with you.
00:38:01All right.
00:38:02Sleep on the joke.
00:38:03Tomorrow morning,
00:38:04you might realize
00:38:04that words have
00:38:05alternate context.
00:38:06Like the joke's
00:38:07actually harmless.
00:38:12Are you ready?
00:38:15I'm joking.
00:38:16Fucking Mother Teresa joke.
00:38:17You can't, man.
00:38:19It's hard to write
00:38:19a joke about her.
00:38:20She's too nice.
00:38:21You know,
00:38:21she helped like the lepers
00:38:22and the homeless
00:38:23and the needy.
00:38:25I guess what I'm trying
00:38:25to say is
00:38:26when it comes to comedy,
00:38:27Mother Teresa
00:38:28is untouchable.
00:38:31Breathe, everybody.
00:38:32Just breathe.
00:38:33Just breathe.
00:38:33I'm sorry to lay it
00:38:34on you like that.
00:38:35Just,
00:38:35no pressure.
00:38:36No pressure.
00:38:37If you're not feeling it,
00:38:38it's fine.
00:38:39Just sleep on the joke.
00:38:42Tomorrow morning,
00:38:43you might wake up
00:38:44like,
00:38:44oh fuck,
00:38:44he's good.
00:38:49Who else found
00:38:49themselves in India?
00:38:50The East India Company.
00:38:52Those guys stuck around
00:38:52for a while, huh?
00:38:54Do you know
00:38:55the first thing
00:38:55they traded with India
00:38:56was cinnamon.
00:38:58That's what led
00:38:59to 200 years
00:39:00of oppression.
00:39:02The one spice
00:39:03we use least
00:39:04in Indian cooking.
00:39:06Tell me you did this
00:39:07for garam masala
00:39:08and I understand.
00:39:12Fuck,
00:39:12cinnamon.
00:39:14You ever been
00:39:15at a dining table
00:39:16somebody's like,
00:39:16you have more
00:39:17simanan for the tikka?
00:39:18Fuck off.
00:39:20Cinnamon.
00:39:22That's like me
00:39:23colonizing England
00:39:24for sunlight venture.
00:39:25Are you insane?
00:39:28Cinnamon.
00:39:30But the bright side
00:39:31is because we gave
00:39:32you cinnamon,
00:39:32we get to feel
00:39:33part of your process.
00:39:34You know what I mean?
00:39:35At least now you know
00:39:36that Muslims and Hindus
00:39:37gave you that Christmas
00:39:38spirit.
00:39:40Cinnamon.
00:39:42Yeah, that came
00:39:43from us, guys.
00:39:43Those things
00:39:44Santa Claus was whipping,
00:39:45they were brown
00:39:45but they weren't reindeer.
00:39:52That wasn't Rudolph,
00:39:53that was Rajesh.
00:39:59Did I ruin Christmas
00:40:00for anybody else?
00:40:03If I had to pick
00:40:03a foreigner for me,
00:40:04it would be a man
00:40:05by the name of Tom Alter.
00:40:06Do you guys know
00:40:07Tom Alter?
00:40:07Young kids, yeah?
00:40:09He's just the white guy
00:40:10in every Bollywood movie.
00:40:11Like what Dev Patel
00:40:13is to them,
00:40:14Tom Alter was to us.
00:40:16You know,
00:40:17he played every role
00:40:18that a white guy
00:40:18could play
00:40:19in a 140 film.
00:40:20We gave him a Padma Shree,
00:40:22did you know that?
00:40:23That's one of our
00:40:24highest civilian honours.
00:40:25It's like our knighthood.
00:40:26He's Padma Shree Tom.
00:40:32That's like being
00:40:32Archduke Jignes.
00:40:37But it's still an achievement,
00:40:39you know what I mean?
00:40:39For a man with a different
00:40:40skin colour
00:40:41to cross over into drama
00:40:42and music and movies.
00:40:43He's a white Priyanka Chopra.
00:40:45That's who this guy is,
00:40:46all right?
00:40:48Yo, Priyanka Chopra
00:40:49has cracked the West
00:40:50like no Indian before her.
00:40:52You gotta give it up.
00:40:53I promise you,
00:40:54in 20 years,
00:40:55Priyanka Chopra
00:40:55will get the Presidential Medal
00:40:57of Freedom
00:40:57in the White House.
00:40:58It's gonna happen.
00:41:00She'll be standing there
00:41:01and all the
00:41:02Jonah sisters
00:41:03and the
00:41:06the brothers
00:41:07and the
00:41:08the Jonahi
00:41:09will be behind her.
00:41:13They'll be in the Oval Office
00:41:14and President Putin
00:41:15will invite her up.
00:41:23Tom Walter bailed me out.
00:41:25My grandfather
00:41:26was a Padma Shree as well.
00:41:27And on his 80th birthday,
00:41:29the government
00:41:29was getting together
00:41:30to celebrate my dadha.
00:41:31And I had to change plans
00:41:33and I couldn't host
00:41:34the event anymore.
00:41:35And my family
00:41:36was really mad
00:41:37so I called Tom Walter
00:41:38in the middle of the night.
00:41:39And he did it.
00:41:40For free.
00:41:41I called up my grandparents
00:41:42the next morning.
00:41:43They're like,
00:41:43he was amazing
00:41:44but he was white.
00:41:45He was white!
00:41:46See, they grew up
00:41:47in a pre-independence India
00:41:49so they couldn't fathom
00:41:50that a white man
00:41:51was working for them.
00:41:54So,
00:41:55they kept trying
00:41:56to impress him
00:41:56while he was working
00:41:57for them.
00:42:00Tom called me.
00:42:01He's like,
00:42:01I love your grandparents
00:42:02and I own your family
00:42:04business now apparently.
00:42:07As long as foreigners
00:42:08have showed up
00:42:08to our shores,
00:42:09we've had to defend them.
00:42:10Here are some of the battles
00:42:11that have defined us.
00:42:12Number one,
00:42:13World War II.
00:42:14Did you know
00:42:15that 1.2 million
00:42:16Indian soldiers
00:42:17fought in World War II
00:42:18throughout Europe?
00:42:20That's the easy way
00:42:21to get a Schengen Visa.
00:42:24Must have been confusing
00:42:25for German soldiers,
00:42:27right?
00:42:27See Britishers running
00:42:28at them
00:42:29and then just
00:42:29one Mumbaiker
00:42:30behind them.
00:42:36Yeah, hello.
00:42:37Nazi bite.
00:42:46Hiltar, hiltar,
00:42:46get rid of it.
00:42:51High, high,
00:42:51get rid of it.
00:42:53Oh,
00:42:53get rid of it.
00:43:03just gathering in their bunkers the enemy is a master of disguise he has the ability to look
00:43:11like us we discovered this fair and lovely cream
00:43:21india paid for world war ii it led to a famine in bengal when we wrote to winston churchill saying
00:43:26hey could we use the food from bengal to feed the people of bengal because you know it's right there
00:43:33churchill wrote back saying well if the famine is so bad why hasn't gandhi died of starvation yet
00:43:40yeah to which i'm pretty sure gandhi ji wanted to reply because i'm not an overweight bitch like
00:43:45yeah yo gandhi ji was fit as hell all right that dude was on keto for a very long time
00:43:54gandhi ji did 17 hunger strikes 17 that's intermittent eating
00:44:02have you have you seen all the videos of gandhi ji walking just
00:44:06everybody behind him is like oh my gosh
00:44:11for salt
00:44:16say what you will about being oppressed you get to sit down quite a bit
00:44:20what are we protesting colonialism or body fat
00:44:25the battle of panipat this began the mughal empire in india non-indians panipat is like a small town
00:44:31about 90 kilometers outside of delhi two men were in this battle ibrahim lodi owned all of north india
00:44:38babar an invading mongol who descended from chengiz khan now babar had only 10 000 men ibrahim lodi had
00:44:4540 000 men plus elephants because north indians must have loud obnoxious vehicles throughout history
00:44:54on the back of every elephant rocky loves mummy
00:44:59if the tail was up if the tail was down it was ricky loves mummy because
00:45:03this is the nice what babar did
00:45:10that's so stupid what babar did was he fired trumpets and cannons up into the air the elephants
00:45:17panicked ran over their own troops and they lost the battle that's what began
00:45:22the mughal empire just loud music and gunfire on the outskirts of delhi
00:45:29it's the first farmhouse party guys that's what that shit was
00:45:33yo delhi ice there are shootings in delhi every week right
00:45:36yeah but they're safe because bhangda music that's what america needs to do just play bhangda music
00:45:42everywhere because bhangda changes the direction of a shooting
00:45:54so you choose you'll have zero shootings but also zero eagles
00:46:01kargil 1999 india and pakistan went to war it's a weird year pakistani forces crossed the line of
00:46:06control dressed as indian insurgents took us three days to confirm it was them because forget white
00:46:11people even we can't tell the difference eventually we got them on a trick question
00:46:17two soldiers were like hey man where are you from around
00:46:25what's in chavan prash
00:46:30our prime minister vajpai called up nawaz sharif in the middle of the night and said you have violated
00:46:35the line of control we are now at war he replied my army must have done it without my knowledge
00:46:41i didn't order anything to which atal said you can't say i didn't order anything this is a war i
00:46:51don't work for somato mother and now everybody's so angry about this whole kashmir thing even indians
00:47:02so angry like we took kashmir back from who ourselves
00:47:14do you ever walk into your own kitchen like this is my spoon
00:47:20taking this spoon back from myself i will lock this spoon in a drawer and cut off access to this
00:47:28spoon to
00:47:29prove my kitchen is functional
00:47:34i don't know what to do about kashmir i'm not a wise man i feel like sometimes like one day
00:47:38in the
00:47:38middle of the night we should just go and give kashmir to nepal
00:47:46because then everybody's unhappy including nepal
00:47:52you're like you are number one hindu no
00:48:01if i had to pick a battle for me in the year 2005 i lived in chicago and my roommate
00:48:08was a homosexual
00:48:09man from amritsar panjab and i was in chicago to learn how to do stand-up comedy and and he
00:48:16was there to
00:48:16learn how to be gay openly because those were two things neither one of us could do here at home
00:48:25and look how much the world has changed now for the better it's 2019 we both live in mumbai
00:48:31i get to do stand-up four days a week and he gets to be gay i'm assuming more than
00:48:36four days a week
00:48:39i don't think their club shuts down on mondays
00:48:41but the point is when i did my first netflix special you know homosexuality was against the law
00:48:46and since then we won a battle for the lgbtq community section 377 was defeated we decriminalized
00:48:54homosexuality in this country that's an amazing thing it is because indian uncles were holding out
00:49:00for a while on that one right uncles were not having that shit but if we legalize it they will
00:49:06come for us
00:49:06next they're gays not zombies they don't have to spread if a gay dude bites you you don't become
00:49:17fabulous overnight and they wouldn't do that they eat healthy from what i hear here's the thing indian
00:49:24you're not afraid of being hit on by a gay man you're just afraid you might like it
00:49:34because yeah it took my roommate 20 years to figure out that he was gay so maybe there's some
00:49:39shit uncle hasn't figured out yet maybe five years later you'll see uncle in a restaurant i will have
00:49:46that cocklet but uncle you don't do that i'm saying it's not real until we put our shadi where
00:50:03our mouth is we gotta have gay marriage in this country are you with me yeah there are gonna be
00:50:08some roadblocks some confused pundits sitting around a barn fire with two grooms like i don't
00:50:15know man which direction do you want to go in it's my first time we can outlaw the barat that's
00:50:22a
00:50:22juvenile ritual non-indians i'll explain the barat is where we make the bride's family wait for one hour
00:50:29and we put the groom on a horse and we dance around the groom for no reason what is the
00:50:35messaging look at
00:50:36this boy tonight this boy will have sex not on the horse he will get off and he will use
00:50:47his mono
00:50:47tonight with that girl they will have sex the whole family just stands there like the sex is going to
00:50:56be a lot shorter than this performance i promise you so that i'd love to see a lesbian hindu wedding
00:51:03no dancing no dancing firm handshake five minutes done or just a two-boy wedding which is no wedding all
00:51:09dancing the priest has to work his shit into the dance just make it like a conga line ding ding
00:51:17ding
00:51:24be a good day
00:51:27it's not always been good days in our history has it
00:51:34you ready
00:51:38i can skip it
00:51:41our history books have
00:51:47can we find sparkles of light in our dark days are you ready sure
00:51:53nirbhaya the horrific gang rape of a girl in delhi young people took to the streets in protest to
00:51:57clash with the police for three days can we learn anything from nirbhaya i humbly submit to you this
00:52:03under 25s i talk to you guys specifically now when you get truly pissed off oh man that is a
00:52:11thing
00:52:11of beauty it really is nothing scares those politicians more than you doing that and god
00:52:18i wish you would do it more often because there's nothing those politicians can do to you you are
00:52:23untouchable different context what do they take from you they shut down your porn your ozone your right
00:52:30information what do they take they'll shut down tick tock you'll survive and those of you that don't
00:52:36shouldn't
00:52:40you are leaving us in a better world
00:52:43that ride do you remember it it was a thing of beauty man the delhi police petrified calling
00:52:47politicians sir the young people are very angry sir well have you tried tear gas yes sir
00:52:55but the thing is they were crying before the riot sir so that just made them angrier sir well what
00:53:02about rubber bullets you know the ones that don't kill people there are bullets that don't kill people
00:53:10sir i wouldn't say that out loud in delhi you might start a hobby
00:53:15well what about water cannons yes sir we've been hitting them for 12 hours
00:53:19but they have a lot of stamina sir they go to these music festivals and train sir
00:53:26every time we threaten them we're like stop or i'll fire my gun they reply all we need is
00:53:30somebody to lean on lean on i don't
00:53:38jalliawala baag probably our most horrific tragedy before independence multiple sikhs had gathered in
00:53:43a garden to peacefully celebrate the festival of baysaki reginal dyer and his men open fired on
00:53:48them for upwards of four minutes horrible tragedy can we learn anything from jalliawala baag
00:53:53i think that time has a beautiful sense of humor the dyer family was court-martialed
00:53:59they then moved up north in india where they started a brewery when india got independence they
00:54:04were forced to sell that brewery to a man by the name of mohan who started a company called mohan
00:54:09makin that very dire brewery now manufactures old monk rum
00:54:19so the family that is responsible for our most horrific tragedy their land supplies happiness
00:54:24to millions of indians it's crazy that taste that you taste when you are drinking old monk
00:54:30that is not 42 percent alcohol that is 99 percent justice i promise you that's what that is
00:54:38and one percent vanilla essence it's mostly vanilla essence guys but you can't create a good applause
00:54:44out of vanilla essence i've never said vanilla essence and people just started clapping right now
00:54:49vanilla essence fuck you don't you dare do it don't you dare no no fuck you i don't
00:54:54no i don't need sympathy claps all right i earn my claps i'm a patient man vanilla essence will have
00:54:59its time 20 years from now scientists will have a press conference like ladies and gentlemen we found
00:55:05the cure for apes and we found it in the vedas guys you should have read that shit
00:55:16the ram mandir non-indians this is a really fun story let me take you through it
00:55:21so in ayodhya is the birthplace of ram and then babar built a mosque over the birthplace of ram and
00:55:28then everybody got mad and hindus broke down the mosque and we're going to build a temple there
00:55:32we build a ram bhk that is the whole messaging of this thing
00:55:37it is the first time i've ever seen people tear down a place of worship to create another place of
00:55:42worship makes no sense to me it's like saying we'll attack the taj why we want to build a marriott
00:55:47are you
00:55:47insane now look forget hinduism in islam let's talk about india's real religion property
00:55:58do you know what the square footage of the ram mandir is it's 2.7 acres
00:56:02in 2.7 acres you could have a mandir like a church a synagogue a mosque any you could have
00:56:08the new gods you could have the ambani office the adani office the ptm office whoever the politicians
00:56:14worship unless you're talking about the actual birth space of ram the physical birth space in which
00:56:20case how big was ram fuck it because now so you can't be so angry you can't be like
00:56:29you have to be like
00:56:38uh if i had to pick a tragedy for me it would probably be our tragedy 26 11 right
00:56:45we all lost somebody i did uh i lost a friend who was like a a mother figure mentor figure
00:56:52to me she
00:56:52helped me start my career i really respected her and i i never got to say thank you on the
00:56:57day of the 26
00:56:5811 terror attacks i had produced my first comedy pilot so i had my first crew of people and actors
00:57:04and a spot boy all working for me and when i found out that my friend had died she was
00:57:10gunned down in
00:57:11the tarj i'm ashamed to say i felt extreme hatred it just bubbled up inside of me and this spot
00:57:18boy
00:57:18knocked on my door his name was babu and he's like sir shot is ready and i said babu there's
00:57:25a
00:57:25terror attack happening outside and he's like yeah so it's mumbai let's get to work
00:57:33i was like i i just lost my life savings and he's like cool i don't have any life savings
00:57:40but both of us need to eat tomorrow so let's get to work so as mumbai burned me and babu
00:57:47and this
00:57:47crew of actors shot stand-up comedy and sketches together and laughed all night long i've worked
00:57:54with babu every year for a decade now i didn't know this then but i know this now his full
00:57:59name is
00:58:00kabir muhammad hussaini that is a pretty muslim name guys that's like three different muslim dudes in the
00:58:08same car that's like you made amar akbar anthony without amar and anthony but think about the messaging
00:58:16of that on the night that my friend was gunned down in the name of what terrorists call islam
00:58:20and real muslims know has nothing to do with islam whatsoever me and kabir muhammad husaini
00:58:26laughed together all night long because both of us were broke and needed to eat tomorrow
00:58:33and that's why they'll never win and that's why you can't with mumbai
00:58:40because we are too fucked to begin with
00:58:53we are pre-fucked we don't have time for tragedy we gotta get up and go right
00:58:57you blow up a building we will sell bombay sandwiches outside that building the next day
00:59:01you shoot at cafe leopold we will shoot selfies the next morning at cafe leopold
00:59:05you shut down our trains our roads our tiffin our dabba arrives on time the next day in mumbai
00:59:12on time you want to stop this city you can't stop lunch in mumbai all right the purpose of
00:59:19terrorism is to propagate permanent hatred in mumbai there is no time for permanent hatred
00:59:23only dhanda right this is mumbai hatred fuck you hindus you hindus should die
00:59:28fuck you muslims you muslims should die train train train train train train train train train
00:59:33train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:35train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:37train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:41train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:41train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:43train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:44train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:45train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:45train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:45train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:45train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train
00:59:45train
00:59:45That is Mumbai.
00:59:47That's Mumbai.
00:59:56Guys, sometimes I feel like I've over-intellectualized this show.
01:00:05I don't know, man. Maybe the reason we travel this country is just to look at shit.
01:00:10That's why we go abroad, right? Say, pigeon palace.
01:00:16Those two things are always together. I don't know why.
01:00:22So here's some shit that everybody needs to look at in India.
01:00:25Number one, the Bulan Darwaza.
01:00:27Built by Akbar the Great. Have you heard of it, yeah?
01:00:29Go see it because of how random it is.
01:00:34It's a giant door in the middle of nowhere.
01:00:37Why would you put a door in the middle of nowhere?
01:00:48Built by Akbar the Great. I want to be there for this conversation with the architect.
01:00:53Ah, Rashid, my head architect. Come here, come here.
01:00:55I want you to build me a giant door to nowhere.
01:00:59No house, Akbar?
01:01:02A door to what?
01:01:04The other side of the door.
01:01:08What are we going to call it?
01:01:09Bulan Darwaza.
01:01:11Translation, giant door.
01:01:14Ashwagandha.
01:01:18And that's how Akbar the Great rolled.
01:01:21He built a giant door and he called it giant door.
01:01:25Then he built a fort in Agra and he called it Agra Fort.
01:01:30Then he built a tomb for Homayu and he called it Homayu's tomb.
01:01:35How was this man not called Akbar the literal?
01:01:38I don't understand.
01:01:43If you're in India, go and see the Taj Mahal.
01:01:45Have you seen it, guys? Yeah?
01:01:46Beautiful symbol of love.
01:01:48For FYI, his third wife.
01:01:51How did the first two feel?
01:01:54My wife finds a photo of an ex-girlfriend, we have to go on vacation for six days.
01:02:00How did he have this conversation?
01:02:02Yeah, Rashid, family architect.
01:02:03Come back.
01:02:05Rashid, I need a tomb for my wife.
01:02:09Which wife?
01:02:12The dead one, Bencho.
01:02:13Which one do you think?
01:02:24What is this on either side?
01:02:26Those are two mini tombs.
01:02:28Because if you build this for her, you're going to have to kill the other two, I promise you.
01:02:34Rashid, stick your arms out.
01:02:40You know that shit, yeah?
01:02:42Shah Jahan cut off the arms of half the people who built the Taj Mahal.
01:02:46That's the world's first NDA non-compete agreement, man.
01:02:50Hi, welcome to Taj Construction.
01:02:52We're going to need you to sign an NDA before we get started.
01:02:54Okay, do you have a pen?
01:02:56We're doing footprints, actually.
01:03:01Non-Indians, if you're coming to my country, please go and see the Bhakran Nangal Dam.
01:03:05All right?
01:03:06It is Asia's highest dam and I beg you to go and see it because we haven't.
01:03:12And somebody should.
01:03:14It's a very good dam, guys.
01:03:16Please go see it.
01:03:17Because they crammed that shit down our throats in schools for no reason.
01:03:21It was a chapter.
01:03:22Do you remember that shit?
01:03:23It was a full chapter.
01:03:24Bhakran Nangal Dam is the highest dam in Asia.
01:03:27They're a cubic centimeter off the dam.
01:03:28I hope terrorists blow up this dam.
01:03:31Children are suffering enough with the whole Chavan Prash situation.
01:03:36But what is Bhakran Nangal?
01:03:38It just sounds like a position in the Kama Sutra.
01:03:41Bhakran Nangal.
01:03:43You get naked and feed each other Gujarati snacks.
01:03:51Sorry.
01:03:51Non-Indians, I can't explain that.
01:03:53But I'm sorry.
01:03:55That one's just for us.
01:03:58There are men here tonight.
01:04:00They're looking at their bifex tonight.
01:04:07Bhakran Nangal.
01:04:15you can't you can't expect kids to be excited about a damn i'm sorry
01:04:19we're not gonna get emotionally invested in a damn
01:04:22i was 12 years old the year the prime minister of india was assassinated we were in school
01:04:27they rang the bell in the middle of lunch in school and said the prime minister
01:04:30has just been assassinated you now have a school holiday and we clapped all right
01:04:39we're gonna care about a damn
01:04:47if i had to pick a monument for me it's just this beautiful monument with culture and heritage
01:04:52and tilla guys
01:05:00and tilla is the most expensive home on earth it is a billion dollar skyscraper belonging to
01:05:05the ambani family non-indians the ambani family is the richest family in india uh they own our gas
01:05:12our electricity our telecom us and soon you
01:05:20have you seen the big like just check it out when you do it i performed an entilla for the
01:05:24ambani it made my heart happy and proud to see such an amazing home for an india it did i
01:05:30always do my
01:05:30ambani jokes at the end of the special guys because if i do them up top in five minutes the
01:05:35ambanis will
01:05:35just buy netflix yeah i have that kind of money black mirror would have a gold border around it
01:05:45stranger things will be in gujarati and shit 11 will become chai
01:05:56have you seen antilla sometimes you miss it it's such a subtle structure
01:06:01this family is so rich they own us literally i feel like every time they have a baby
01:06:06they should just come out to the balcony
01:06:11we'll all gather at the bottom
01:06:25see mukesh on the balcony everything that the light touches is ours
01:06:28oh gosh i'm gonna end by talking about some good days the day ar rahman won two oscars that was
01:06:38a
01:06:38pretty good day huh because of how chilled out he was the americans were so emo i want to thank
01:06:47my
01:06:47mom and my dad he was just like god is great thank you so much two cappuccinos he's so chill
01:06:55he tried a joke do you remember that shit it didn't work he's like when i was coming here i
01:06:59was nervous and terrified the last time was at my wedding and nobody laughed
01:07:05and i was just like oh this is not two-time academy award winner ar rahman this is first time
01:07:13open mic
01:07:13ar
01:07:16the day we put a man on the moon i know it hasn't happened yet but i want to show
01:07:20isro some support
01:07:21and say we believe in them and it will happen for us soon
01:07:26and in our greatest achievement we will not get there first but we will get their cheapest
01:07:35neil armstrong landed on the moon he was like one small step for man
01:07:38fuck that our guy will land and be like how much how much huh one small check for man
01:07:46the night we got independence never forget that night
01:07:49you know java lal neeru made that beautiful speech we said goodbye to the british in a british
01:07:55accent neeru had that nice british accent you know why because his ruler like his nanny was british
01:08:04yeah his ruler was his nanny that's a fucked up version of mary poppins you never see
01:08:14supercalifragilisticexpialidocious if you want independence we'll oppress you with our forces
01:08:17draining your economy and natural resources supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
01:08:22hum-de-lul hum-de-lul hum-de-lul
01:08:41everybody around them was mesmerized they're just like bro
01:08:50at the stroke of the midnight hour in india
01:08:552pm in san francisco
01:09:03It's an evening in London, so, so the rest of the world is not really sleeping now.
01:09:19Should we tell him this feels like an important moment?
01:09:25Now, let's just wait 73 years until a comedian figures it out.
01:09:37If I had to pick a good day for me, it would be today, right now, because my show is
01:09:43now over.
01:09:47I don't know. I never know how to end shows, guys. I really don't.
01:09:50You know, like, if this was an American special, you know, you'd find a big laugh.
01:09:54You'd be like, thank you so much. Good night, Mumbai.
01:09:57But this is an Indian goodbye, so it's going to take a while.
01:10:10I miss home. That's the truth. I miss home.
01:10:12I've travelled more in the last two years of my life than I have in the last 20, man.
01:10:17And I think of home all the time.
01:10:20And when I think of home, this is the shit that I think of.
01:10:28You know, we get told every day what India is by people who have power.
01:10:35And yet, these people come and go like the wind.
01:10:38These little things that make us smile, they stay.
01:10:41That's India. Or at least, it's mine.
01:10:45I realise that your India is probably very different from my India.
01:10:49You know, I suspect your India is better, more sensible, edgier, funnier, more respectful.
01:10:57But hey.
01:11:03He who has the biscuits, gets to tell the story.
01:11:09Thank you so much.
01:11:40I feel no sorrow
01:11:43Jalé, piqui-lé
01:11:46Could check it out
01:11:48Like a firefly
01:11:51Open the night
01:11:54Alive and bright
01:11:57Chasing all shadows
01:12:00Like a firefly
01:12:03Open the night
01:12:06Alive and bright
01:12:09Chasing all shadows
01:12:36Like a firefly
01:12:39Open the night
01:12:42Alive and bright
01:12:45Chasing all shadows
01:12:47Like a firefly
01:12:51Open the night
01:12:54Alive and bright
01:12:57Chasing all shadows
01:13:01Like a firefly
01:13:03Like a firefly
01:13:05Open the night
01:13:07Alive and bright
01:13:09Chasing all shadows
01:13:13Like a firefly
01:13:16Open the night
01:13:19Alive and bright
01:13:21Chasing all shadows
01:13:48Chasing all shadows
01:13:51Hey
01:13:52Hey
01:13:57Hey
01:13:59Hey
01:14:01Hey
01:14:03Hey
01:14:06Chasing all shadows
01:14:09Jalé, piqui-lé
01:14:12Could check it out
01:14:14Chasing all shadows
01:14:29Open the night
01:14:32Open the night
01:14:33Alive and bright
01:14:35Chasing all shadows
01:14:38Like a firefly
01:14:41Like a firefly
01:14:43Like a firefly
01:14:43Open the night
01:14:45Alive and bright
01:14:47Alive and bright
01:14:47Chasing all shadows
01:15:18Chasing all shadows
01:15:19In the night
01:15:21Alive and bright
01:15:23Alive and bright
01:15:23Chasing all shadows
01:15:25Chasing all shadows
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