Stand-up comedian Kevin Hart talks about his family, travel and a year full of reckless behavior in front of a live sold-out crowd in London.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #kevinhart #kevinhartcomedy #kevinhartstandup
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00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:39Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:27Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:43Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:55Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:03Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:13Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:20Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:29Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:29There's no real way to ease into it
00:02:31so I just gotta go for it, okay?
00:02:33Both kids, both kids caught us fucking.
00:02:36If it was one, it wouldn't have been that bad,
00:02:38but it was both.
00:02:39My son saw us first.
00:02:40I saw him when he saw us
00:02:42because he called his sister.
00:02:43He was like, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here.
00:02:48The crazy thing is, I couldn't even get mad.
00:02:50I couldn't get mad at them
00:02:51because they came in my room
00:02:53based off of a rule that I put in place.
00:02:55I don't like locked doors in my house.
00:02:56I don't like locked doors in my house.
00:02:57Don't lock your goddamn door.
00:02:58I think the worst thing in the world for a parent
00:02:59is to not be able to get in his child's room when he wants to.
00:03:03Don't lock your goddamn door.
00:03:05Especially my daughter.
00:03:06I told her, I said, you lock that door again, I promise you,
00:03:08I'm gonna kick the door down.
00:03:09Don't lock that goddamn door again.
00:03:11I go to get into my daughter's room, the door locked.
00:03:13I said, what did I say I was gonna do?
00:03:14Then I said I was gonna kick that door down.
00:03:16She said, wait, I'm almost finished.
00:03:19Oh my God.
00:03:21Oh my God.
00:03:23In my mind, I thought the worst.
00:03:25In my mind, she was cooking cocaine.
00:03:27That's what I believe.
00:03:29She's gotta be.
00:03:30You know why?
00:03:31You know why I thought the worst?
00:03:33I thought the worst because I know what I was doing as a child
00:03:35whenever I was in my room and my door was closed.
00:03:37Whenever I was in my room and my door was closed,
00:03:39I was always doing the worst shit possible
00:03:41on the other side of that goddamn door.
00:03:42Every time my mom bust in my room,
00:03:45true story, people, my dick was always in my hand.
00:03:48Swear to God, every time.
00:03:50What you doing, boy?
00:03:51Ah!
00:03:53Ah!
00:03:56Ah!
00:03:59One time she came to my room,
00:04:00I had my dick in this hand
00:04:01and I had matches in this hand.
00:04:03I don't know what was about to happen,
00:04:05but she got there right on time.
00:04:06I told her there was about to be a hot dick in this bathroom.
00:04:09I was gonna set this dick on fire.
00:04:13Ah!
00:04:16The worst thing about my kids catching this habit
00:04:18having sex
00:04:18is that we were having sex in positions
00:04:21that you couldn't play off.
00:04:22You know, there's some sexual positions
00:04:24that you could play off.
00:04:25There's a lot of couples here tonight.
00:04:27I see you with your lady, sir.
00:04:28If you and your lady having sex
00:04:29and your lady laying on the side
00:04:31and your kids come busting the room,
00:04:32you can play that off.
00:04:33All you gotta do is sit up,
00:04:34act like you're watching TV.
00:04:36Hey!
00:04:36Hey!
00:04:37Hey!
00:04:38Fuck out of here.
00:04:38Don't come back in here
00:04:39until we're done watching TV.
00:04:41If you're real good
00:04:43and you got your bottom half covered up,
00:04:45when you sit up,
00:04:46you can technically keep fucking
00:04:47while you talking.
00:04:48Hey!
00:04:48Hey!
00:04:49Hey!
00:04:49Get your ass out the goddamn room.
00:04:53Don't come in the goddamn room.
00:04:57Your lady be trying to talk.
00:04:58Don't come in here.
00:05:02This is my favorite part of the show.
00:05:06You can play it off.
00:05:09Missionary.
00:05:10You can play that off.
00:05:11You and your lady having sex
00:05:12in a missionary position
00:05:13and your kids come busting the room,
00:05:15all you gotta do
00:05:15is fall down
00:05:17and collapse on your lady.
00:05:20Make it look like you sleep.
00:05:22Kids are stupid.
00:05:23They'll believe it.
00:05:26Doggy style is tough.
00:05:27That's a tough one.
00:05:29Ass naked,
00:05:30doggy style,
00:05:31in the middle of the bed.
00:05:32That's tough to play off.
00:05:33You caught.
00:05:34Like, what do you do?
00:05:36What do you do?
00:05:39Oh, shit!
00:05:49You got one move.
00:05:51You got one move.
00:05:53You gotta make it look like
00:05:54you're playing American football.
00:05:55You just gotta
00:05:55hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.
00:05:59Get your ass out of here.
00:06:00We're going over football plays.
00:06:01Get out of here.
00:06:03We're playing against a couple
00:06:04from down the street this week.
00:06:05Get your ass up out of here.
00:06:08My biggest fear was
00:06:10I didn't want my kids
00:06:11to try to talk to me
00:06:12about what they saw.
00:06:13Please, God,
00:06:15don't let my kids
00:06:16talk to me
00:06:17about the shit that they saw.
00:06:18I'm a firm believer
00:06:19in letting information
00:06:20float in the air
00:06:21and disappear.
00:06:21I don't like to talk about it.
00:06:22Let it float in the air
00:06:23and disappear.
00:06:24I go downstairs in the kitchen.
00:06:26I see my son in the kitchen.
00:06:27My son gave me a look
00:06:29that said that he wanted
00:06:30to ask me
00:06:31about what he just saw.
00:06:32I gave him a look back
00:06:34that said,
00:06:35don't you fucking ask me
00:06:38about nothing that you just saw.
00:06:39And I knew,
00:06:40I knew he wasn't really
00:06:41going to try to ask me
00:06:42because he got in trouble
00:06:42in school earlier that week.
00:06:43I had to take my son's phone
00:06:45from him,
00:06:45which is the worst things
00:06:46you can do to a child.
00:06:47Taking a kid's phone
00:06:48is detrimental
00:06:49to a child's lifestyle.
00:06:51As soon as I took his phone,
00:06:52he immediately turned
00:06:53into a crackhead.
00:06:54Instantly.
00:06:56Instantly.
00:06:56I said,
00:06:56give me the phone.
00:06:57Give me the phone.
00:06:57You're not getting the phone back
00:06:58until you get your shit together.
00:06:59I snatched the phone.
00:07:00He broke down.
00:07:01He said,
00:07:02come on, daddy.
00:07:02Don't do me like that.
00:07:05He started moving down.
00:07:06Don't do me like that, daddy.
00:07:09He said,
00:07:09take my leg instead.
00:07:11Take my leg.
00:07:12What?
00:07:13Well, give me the goddamn phone.
00:07:16You're not getting the phone back
00:07:17until you get your shit together.
00:07:19When I take the phone,
00:07:20I say to myself,
00:07:20you know what?
00:07:21I need to go through
00:07:22my son's phone.
00:07:23I need to see what my son
00:07:24has been talking about
00:07:25on this goddamn phone.
00:07:26It's irresponsible
00:07:27on my part as a parent
00:07:28to not know
00:07:29what's on my son's phone.
00:07:31I go to go through the phone,
00:07:32people,
00:07:32I realize I don't have the code.
00:07:33I don't got the thumbprint,
00:07:34the face ID,
00:07:35nothing.
00:07:36So I got to go back
00:07:37to this little nigga
00:07:38and ask him
00:07:38to put the goddamn code
00:07:40in the phone.
00:07:41Put the code in the phone
00:07:42so I can see
00:07:42what you've been talking about.
00:07:43Straight face,
00:07:44my son said,
00:07:45nah, man,
00:07:46I ain't going to do it.
00:07:47What?
00:07:48Boy,
00:07:49put the code in the phone
00:07:50before I punch you
00:07:50in the fucking throat.
00:07:51That's what I said.
00:07:52I said that.
00:07:54He took off running
00:07:57like he don't live
00:07:57in this house,
00:07:58like I'm not going to see him
00:07:59at the dinner table
00:08:00in 10 minutes.
00:08:02I said,
00:08:02ain't nobody chasing you.
00:08:03Give me the code
00:08:04to the phone
00:08:05before I kick you
00:08:05in the back.
00:08:06Swear to God
00:08:06from downstairs,
00:08:07all I heard was,
00:08:09fuck you!
00:08:12Oh!
00:08:20I'm going to kill him.
00:08:22I'm about to kill him.
00:08:24I run downstairs,
00:08:25grab my son
00:08:26by the neck.
00:08:27I start choking
00:08:28the shit out of my son.
00:08:30What the fuck
00:08:31you say to me?
00:08:33He couldn't breathe.
00:08:34He said,
00:08:34ah!
00:08:35Ah!
00:08:37He said,
00:08:39that's the code.
00:08:40The code is
00:08:41fuck you.
00:08:47Oh.
00:08:49That's a good code,
00:08:50son.
00:08:50That's a good code.
00:08:51Is it?
00:08:52Is it Y-O-U
00:08:53or the letter U?
00:08:54How you spell it?
00:08:56I scratched your neck
00:08:57up real good.
00:08:57I apologize.
00:08:59I'm going to get you
00:09:00a turtleneck
00:09:00so you don't have to
00:09:01go to school
00:09:01looking like that.
00:09:02I'm sorry.
00:09:05My kids are getting older.
00:09:07Daughter's 13.
00:09:08My son is 10 now.
00:09:10Older they get,
00:09:11the more the arguments
00:09:11escalate.
00:09:12I caught my kids
00:09:13cursing at each other
00:09:13the other day.
00:09:14This shit made me laugh.
00:09:16If you're a parent,
00:09:16you're here tonight
00:09:17and you don't think
00:09:17your kids curse,
00:09:18you're a stupid parent.
00:09:19You're stupid.
00:09:20As soon as you walk
00:09:21out the house,
00:09:22your kids let it fly.
00:09:24Fuck,
00:09:24mother bitch,
00:09:25shit,
00:09:26dick,
00:09:26pussy,
00:09:27ass,
00:09:27whole bitch.
00:09:28It don't even go together.
00:09:29They say it
00:09:30at the same time.
00:09:33I heard my daughter
00:09:34going off on my son,
00:09:36giving him the business.
00:09:38I'm asleep.
00:09:38I'm laying on the couch.
00:09:40She's snapping.
00:09:41I'm sick of your shit,
00:09:43Hendrix.
00:09:44You keep fucking with me,
00:09:46I'm going to bust your ass.
00:09:47I said,
00:09:47God damn,
00:09:48wait a minute.
00:09:49What the hell
00:09:50is going on in there?
00:09:51Now,
00:09:52I don't want to blow my cover
00:09:53because I want to hear
00:09:53what my son says back.
00:09:55I want to hear
00:09:55my son's rebuttal.
00:09:57My son is exactly like me
00:09:59when I was a child.
00:10:00We're identical.
00:10:01We're exactly the same.
00:10:02My son
00:10:03is such a bitch.
00:10:05He's such
00:10:06a bitch.
00:10:08This is what my son said.
00:10:09My son goes,
00:10:10honestly,
00:10:11really,
00:10:11then what?
00:10:12Nothing,
00:10:12so why are we talking about it?
00:10:13Okay.
00:10:15What?
00:10:18He stormed off
00:10:20like he won.
00:10:21Okay.
00:10:27In my son's defense,
00:10:28though, man,
00:10:29he's got it bad.
00:10:30I don't know what it is
00:10:31about older sisters
00:10:32and their younger brothers.
00:10:33Older sisters love
00:10:35to whip up
00:10:35on their younger brothers.
00:10:36I don't know why.
00:10:37It's a real thing.
00:10:39She dragged him
00:10:40down the steps
00:10:40the other day.
00:10:41I didn't see it.
00:10:41I heard it.
00:10:43I just heard my son.
00:10:44He was like,
00:10:44oh, God,
00:10:44not again.
00:10:46He just heard
00:10:46the fucking steps.
00:10:49But she's a tough girl.
00:10:51My daughter's
00:10:52not a little girly girl.
00:10:53She's a little tomboy,
00:10:54man.
00:10:54She's a tough fucking girl.
00:10:56She just got a period
00:10:57not too long ago.
00:10:58Took it like a champ.
00:10:59Shoulder shrugged it
00:11:00like it was nothing.
00:11:03I was nervous.
00:11:04I was nervous
00:11:05because I knew
00:11:05it was coming.
00:11:06I saw the signs,
00:11:08emotions,
00:11:08feelings all over
00:11:09the goddamn place.
00:11:10I tried to prepare
00:11:11for this period
00:11:11as if it was an earthquake.
00:11:13I went out.
00:11:13I bought a bunch
00:11:14of emergency period kits,
00:11:15put them in her jacket pockets,
00:11:16her book bags.
00:11:17My fear was
00:11:18I didn't want my baby
00:11:19to get the blood butt
00:11:20at school.
00:11:21That was my fear.
00:11:22If your baby
00:11:23get the blood butt,
00:11:23you got to relocate.
00:11:25You can't send that child
00:11:25back to that school.
00:11:27You got to fucking
00:11:27get a new school.
00:11:28You got to move.
00:11:29It's a bunch of expenses
00:11:30that go into that problem.
00:11:32She came downstairs.
00:11:33She caught me off guard.
00:11:34She was like,
00:11:35Dad, I take my period on.
00:11:36I panicked.
00:11:36Fuck!
00:11:38Right now?
00:11:39Is it happening right now?
00:11:41She said,
00:11:42Mm-hmm.
00:11:43Something coming down my leg.
00:11:44Oh!
00:11:48All my training
00:11:49went out the window.
00:11:51I said,
00:11:52Go in the kitchen,
00:11:52get a gallon of milk.
00:11:53Drink it.
00:11:54Hurry up.
00:11:55It'll freeze the blood up.
00:11:56I don't know where
00:11:57I got that from.
00:11:57I pulled that out my ass.
00:11:59I opened up a maxi pad
00:12:01like it was a grenade.
00:12:02I said,
00:12:02Ah!
00:12:03Ah!
00:12:04Ah!
00:12:06I fucking missed.
00:12:08Shit stuck to her face.
00:12:09It was bad.
00:12:09That was a bad situation.
00:12:14You know what I love
00:12:15the most about my kids?
00:12:16I love that my kids
00:12:17don't add stress
00:12:19to my life.
00:12:21I got enough stress
00:12:22going on as it is.
00:12:23I'm on marriage number two.
00:12:25That within itself
00:12:26is stressful.
00:12:26The reason why, sir,
00:12:28is because this marriage
00:12:29has to work.
00:12:30It has to.
00:12:32You don't want to get
00:12:33the marriage three,
00:12:34four, and five.
00:12:35When you get there,
00:12:36at that point,
00:12:36you're not even looking
00:12:37for love.
00:12:38You're just looking
00:12:39for a death buddy.
00:12:40You're looking for somebody
00:12:41to die with.
00:12:43You trying to die together?
00:12:44Yes or no?
00:12:45I'd die with you
00:12:45if you'd die with me.
00:12:46You want to die together?
00:12:49Crazy thing about my relationship
00:12:50is that it's on display.
00:12:52Everybody can see it.
00:12:53Everybody can judge it.
00:12:54I don't give a shit.
00:12:55I don't care.
00:12:56It's the bed I made
00:12:57for myself.
00:12:58I lay in it.
00:12:59What makes me laugh
00:13:00is when people act
00:13:01like they live my life,
00:13:02like you walk in my shoes.
00:13:05Shit hit the fan
00:13:05for me in my marriage.
00:13:06Everybody had an opinion.
00:13:08Ugh, ugh, ugh.
00:13:11Kevin Hart did it again.
00:13:12Kevin Hart fucked up again.
00:13:15I want to make something
00:13:16perfectly clear
00:13:16to everybody here tonight.
00:13:18I did not fuck up again.
00:13:19Okay?
00:13:20In my first marriage,
00:13:21I filed for divorce.
00:13:22That means that
00:13:23I chose to leave.
00:13:24That means that
00:13:24I made a better decision
00:13:26for me in my life.
00:13:27That's not fucking up.
00:13:28That's me moving on.
00:13:30Okay?
00:13:30Now, this time,
00:13:32I fucked up.
00:13:33This was fucking up.
00:13:34Yes.
00:13:34Yes.
00:13:35But I don't like it
00:13:36when people act like
00:13:37you plan to fuck up.
00:13:39Nobody plans to fuck up.
00:13:41That's why it's called
00:13:42the fuck up.
00:13:44You don't walk outside
00:13:45like today's the perfect day
00:13:47for a fuck up.
00:13:48I'm fucking up all day today.
00:13:50This is fuck up weather.
00:13:52That's what this is.
00:13:53That's not how it happens.
00:13:55The important thing
00:13:56is to learn from it.
00:13:57You got to learn
00:13:58from your fuck ups.
00:13:59Lesson number one
00:14:00that I learned
00:14:01is that whatever happens
00:14:02in Vegas
00:14:02does not stay in Vegas.
00:14:05Don't believe that shit.
00:14:07That commercial
00:14:08is a goddamn lie.
00:14:09It should be taken
00:14:09off the television.
00:14:11For the first time
00:14:12in my life,
00:14:13I had to look in the mirror.
00:14:14I had to look in the mirror.
00:14:15I had to have a conversation
00:14:16with myself.
00:14:17God damn it, Kevin.
00:14:19What are you doing?
00:14:19What are you doing?
00:14:21You're almost 40 years old.
00:14:22You're still doing
00:14:22the same dumb shit.
00:14:23Grow up.
00:14:25Grow up.
00:14:26And me realizing
00:14:27I had to grow up,
00:14:27that meant I had to go
00:14:28back to my wife,
00:14:29make my wife feel secure
00:14:30in understanding
00:14:31that I was done
00:14:32doing the dumb shit.
00:14:33That put me
00:14:34in heavy kiss
00:14:35my wife's ass mode.
00:14:37That's a bad place
00:14:38to be, fellas.
00:14:39I don't know
00:14:39if you've ever been there
00:14:40or not,
00:14:40but it's a fucked up place.
00:14:42You do the same thing
00:14:42every day.
00:14:43Yep, yep, yep.
00:14:44Whatever you need,
00:14:44whatever you need.
00:14:45This is all you do
00:14:45every day.
00:14:46Yep, yep, yep.
00:14:46I got it, I got it,
00:14:47I got it, I got it,
00:14:48I got it, I got it.
00:14:48I do it, I do it,
00:14:49I do it, I do it,
00:14:50every day.
00:14:53With that being said,
00:14:55you're now fighting
00:14:56for your woman's security.
00:14:58Now, when you try to fight
00:14:59to make sure
00:15:00that your woman feels secure,
00:15:01you end up becoming
00:15:01insecure as a man.
00:15:03The reason why
00:15:03is because you're
00:15:04questioning yourself.
00:15:05Is she happy?
00:15:06Is she satisfied?
00:15:07Is the sex still good?
00:15:08I'm going to ask her.
00:15:09Nope, I can't.
00:15:10If I ask her,
00:15:11I look weak.
00:15:11Now you start searching.
00:15:13True story.
00:15:13I went out,
00:15:14I bought a mirror,
00:15:15put it on my ceiling
00:15:16for no reason at all.
00:15:17It was a Tuesday.
00:15:17This is a true story.
00:15:18You don't do no shit
00:15:19like that on a Tuesday.
00:15:21That's a weekend move,
00:15:22not a Tuesday move.
00:15:23It was all good
00:15:24until I caught a reflection
00:15:25of myself in that mirror
00:15:26when we were fucking.
00:15:27Let me tell you something,
00:15:28people.
00:15:28Whatever you think
00:15:29you look like
00:15:30when you fucking,
00:15:31I promise you,
00:15:32you don't look like that.
00:15:33I promise you.
00:15:34I'm not talking about
00:15:36you posing in front
00:15:37of the mirror.
00:15:37I'm talking about
00:15:38an unexpected glimpse
00:15:39of yourself
00:15:40in the goddamn mirror.
00:15:41I saw the bottom
00:15:42of my feet.
00:15:43I have never
00:15:44been more disgusted
00:15:45with myself
00:15:46as a man.
00:15:48And so I saw
00:15:48the bottom of my goddamn feet.
00:15:50My feet were black as shit.
00:15:51Where was I at?
00:15:52I didn't wear shoes today.
00:15:54Jesus Christ.
00:15:55I wouldn't fuck nobody
00:15:56with feet like this.
00:15:57This is disgusting.
00:15:59My back was ashy.
00:16:00I had bumps on my ass.
00:16:01When my ass break out
00:16:03like this,
00:16:04I had a full batch
00:16:05of measles on my ass
00:16:07and didn't know it.
00:16:08I immediately booked
00:16:09a doctor's appointment.
00:16:10Y'all gotta fix this.
00:16:11I got Braille on my butt.
00:16:13This is disgusting.
00:16:16Whenever you go
00:16:17through any insecurities,
00:16:18especially when it comes
00:16:18to sex,
00:16:20as a man,
00:16:20we all turn to the same
00:16:21place for answers.
00:16:22Every man in this room
00:16:23has turned to porn
00:16:25at some point in time.
00:16:26Stupid as shit
00:16:27that a man can do.
00:16:28Here's why I say
00:16:28it's stupid.
00:16:29We don't give people
00:16:30to do porn
00:16:31enough credit
00:16:32and enough respect.
00:16:33Those people
00:16:34are professional actors
00:16:35and actresses.
00:16:36That's what they do
00:16:37for a living.
00:16:39You can't just watch
00:16:40that shit
00:16:40and go home
00:16:41and try it.
00:16:41It don't work like that.
00:16:43That's like watching
00:16:44a karate movie,
00:16:45going outside,
00:16:46getting in a fight,
00:16:47telling everybody
00:16:47to back up
00:16:48so you can roundhouse
00:16:48kick this nigga
00:16:49in the head.
00:16:50You don't know
00:16:50how to do that kick.
00:16:52It's the same thing
00:16:52with porn.
00:16:54I'm not speaking to you
00:16:55from a hypothetical place.
00:16:56I've been there.
00:16:56I've done it.
00:16:57I've tried it.
00:16:58I watch porn
00:16:59with my wife.
00:17:00Tried to do the shit
00:17:00that I saw.
00:17:02I was nervous about it.
00:17:03So I was having
00:17:04a conversation
00:17:04with myself.
00:17:05Should I do it?
00:17:06Should I fucking do it?
00:17:07Should I try it?
00:17:09I had good Kevin
00:17:10on this side,
00:17:10bad Kevin was
00:17:11on this side.
00:17:12Good Kevin popped up.
00:17:13Good Kevin had on
00:17:14a pair of khakis
00:17:14and a v-neck sweater.
00:17:16He said,
00:17:16absolutely not.
00:17:17Don't do it.
00:17:17As a good woman,
00:17:18you talk to her first.
00:17:20Bad Kevin popped up.
00:17:21Bad Kevin had on
00:17:22a pair of leather pants
00:17:23and a fishnet tank top
00:17:24and he was doing this.
00:17:25Bad Kevin.
00:17:28Bad Kevin said,
00:17:29you gonna listen
00:17:30to a man with khakis on?
00:17:31No.
00:17:31No.
00:17:32He said,
00:17:33do it then.
00:17:34Do it.
00:17:34Out of nowhere,
00:17:35I spit on my wife.
00:17:36It was quick.
00:17:38Right in the fucking forehead.
00:17:39Puh.
00:17:40A loogie
00:17:41right in her goddamn forehead.
00:17:43It was an awkward
00:17:44beat of silence.
00:17:45Nobody said nothing.
00:17:46It was quiet.
00:17:47Out of nowhere,
00:17:48she was like,
00:17:49you just fucking spit on me!
00:17:52The complete opposite reaction
00:17:54from the lady in the porn.
00:17:56The lady in the porn
00:17:57went crazy when it happened.
00:17:58She was like,
00:17:59ahhh.
00:18:02Ahhh.
00:18:03This spit making me so hot.
00:18:05Ahhh.
00:18:07This spit gonna make me
00:18:08come on.
00:18:10Ahhh.
00:18:11In my mind,
00:18:11I was like,
00:18:12that's how you make them come.
00:18:13You gotta spit on
00:18:14they fucking heads.
00:18:15I've been doing it wrong
00:18:15all this time.
00:18:17I haven't told my wife,
00:18:18you're not doing it right.
00:18:19You gotta rub it in.
00:18:20That's how you fucking come.
00:18:26I had to go downstairs
00:18:27and get a baby wipe.
00:18:29Clean her head off.
00:18:30That was embarrassing.
00:18:32I go to get back in the bed.
00:18:33She wanna talk about it.
00:18:34What did I tell you guys?
00:18:35I don't like to talk.
00:18:36Let it float in the air
00:18:38and disappear.
00:18:38I don't wanna talk about it.
00:18:40As soon as I get in the bed,
00:18:42she was like,
00:18:42did you really just spit on me?
00:18:45I almost lied.
00:18:46I almost lied.
00:18:48Even though I noticed,
00:18:49she noticed,
00:18:49I know I did it,
00:18:50I almost fucking lied.
00:18:52The reason why
00:18:53is because bad Kevin
00:18:54popped back up.
00:18:55Bad Kevin was like,
00:18:57say it was a leak
00:18:58in the ceiling.
00:18:58I said,
00:18:59no, get
00:19:00the hell out of here,
00:19:01bad Kevin.
00:19:03Yes.
00:19:04Yes.
00:19:05I spit on you.
00:19:07Why?
00:19:08I don't know.
00:19:10I was watching porn.
00:19:11I saw some shit.
00:19:12I tried it.
00:19:13She said,
00:19:13Kevin, let me tell you something.
00:19:14I don't care if you watch porn.
00:19:16Don't be stupid enough
00:19:17to bring the shit
00:19:18that you saw
00:19:19in our house.
00:19:20She said,
00:19:21I watch porn all the time.
00:19:23I don't try to do
00:19:23the shit that I saw
00:19:24to you.
00:19:25I said,
00:19:27back the fuck up.
00:19:32When did this become
00:19:33a whorehouse?
00:19:36The hell you mean
00:19:37you watching porn?
00:19:38What the hell
00:19:39are you watching?
00:19:40She was like,
00:19:41mm-hmm,
00:19:41everything.
00:19:47Instantly,
00:19:48it got hurt.
00:19:49The reason why
00:19:50it hurt me
00:19:51is because
00:19:52I fucking couldn't
00:19:53separate
00:19:54my pride from reality.
00:19:56This is a problem
00:19:56that all men have.
00:19:58See, reality is
00:19:58if she want to watch porn,
00:19:59she can watch porn.
00:20:00If I want to watch porn,
00:20:01I can watch porn.
00:20:02That's how it should be.
00:20:03But my pride,
00:20:04my pride wouldn't let it
00:20:06be that way.
00:20:06My pride wanted to know
00:20:07what she was watching.
00:20:09I want to see it.
00:20:10Let me see it
00:20:11with my eyes.
00:20:12I want to see it.
00:20:14She said,
00:20:14you want to see it?
00:20:15Let me see it.
00:20:17She got a laptop,
00:20:18opened it up.
00:20:19She said,
00:20:19my porn search
00:20:20is in my cookies.
00:20:21All you got to do
00:20:22is search my cookies.
00:20:24I said,
00:20:25you better get me
00:20:25a glass of milk
00:20:26because I'm about to eat
00:20:27all these goddamn cookies.
00:20:30The shit that I saw
00:20:31hurt my heart.
00:20:31It hurt me.
00:20:33The reason why
00:20:34is because her porn search
00:20:35was a complete opposite
00:20:37of who I am.
00:20:39Everything I saw
00:20:40was big.
00:20:42Everything
00:20:43was big.
00:20:44Big balls to the walls,
00:20:46big backs on big blacks,
00:20:48big cocks and socks.
00:20:50What the fuck is going on?
00:20:53One of the sites
00:20:54wasn't even porn.
00:20:55One of the sites
00:20:55was a bunch of tall men
00:20:57being active.
00:20:58They were changing light bulbs,
00:20:59putting shit on shelves,
00:21:01hanging paintings.
00:21:02What kind of sick shit is this?
00:21:04What the fuck is this?
00:21:06She was like,
00:21:06what?
00:21:07You can't do none of that stuff.
00:21:08I like that stuff.
00:21:11Ow!
00:21:13I went out.
00:21:15I bought me one of them
00:21:16grab sticks after that.
00:21:17You know those sticks?
00:21:19They got the claw on it
00:21:20that you can grab stuff.
00:21:22I went and bought one.
00:21:23I didn't tell her.
00:21:24I just put it under my bed,
00:21:26waited for the next time
00:21:26that we was having sex.
00:21:27I was like, yo,
00:21:28you know this picture
00:21:29about a bed is crooked.
00:21:30She was like,
00:21:32don't worry about it.
00:21:33We'll get somebody
00:21:33to come and fix it.
00:21:34And I was like,
00:21:37or not.
00:21:37And I fucking,
00:21:39I got the stick.
00:21:43She was like,
00:21:46you fucking like that shit?
00:21:47You like that shit?
00:21:50Grab sticks,
00:21:51save my marriage
00:21:52is what I'm trying
00:21:53to tell y'all, man.
00:21:55It's important to understand
00:21:56as you go through levels in life.
00:21:58There's tons of levels, man.
00:22:00As you go through these levels,
00:22:01fucking just understand
00:22:02what they were
00:22:03and become better.
00:22:04I'm going to give you guys
00:22:05one gem.
00:22:06If you don't take anything
00:22:07from this show tonight,
00:22:08take this one piece
00:22:09of information with you.
00:22:10So many people
00:22:11are on this journey
00:22:12to live a perfect life.
00:22:14I personally think it's stupid.
00:22:16The reason why I say it's stupid
00:22:17is because you have no idea
00:22:18what perfection is
00:22:20unless you've experienced
00:22:21imperfection.
00:22:22The point that I'm making
00:22:23is that you should embrace
00:22:24your flaws and fuck-ups
00:22:25because they help make you
00:22:27who you're supposed to be.
00:22:28Don't run away
00:22:29from your bullshit.
00:22:30Embrace it
00:22:31and become better.
00:22:32That's my message.
00:22:35Now,
00:22:36right now,
00:22:38right now,
00:22:38we're actually in a new stage.
00:22:40We just had a baby
00:22:41nine months ago.
00:22:42Kenzo Cash Hart, man.
00:22:45Father of three.
00:22:47Father of three now.
00:22:49Now,
00:22:49here's the thing.
00:22:50People thought that
00:22:50I was playing around
00:22:51when I first talked about it,
00:22:52but I wasn't.
00:22:53I didn't know
00:22:53if I really wanted
00:22:54to have another baby.
00:22:55The reason why
00:22:55is because I felt like I did it.
00:22:57I got the best of both worlds.
00:22:58I got a boy.
00:22:59I got a girl.
00:22:59We're married.
00:23:00My kids are your kids.
00:23:02You got kids.
00:23:04Those are your kids.
00:23:05She was like,
00:23:06I know,
00:23:06but they're old.
00:23:07I want new ones.
00:23:07First of all,
00:23:08listen to me.
00:23:09Don't talk about my fucking kids
00:23:11like they use cars.
00:23:12Ain't nothing wrong
00:23:12with these goddamn kids.
00:23:14She was like,
00:23:14I know,
00:23:14I just want new ones.
00:23:16The thing is,
00:23:16I didn't know
00:23:17if I had the patience
00:23:18to deal with kids.
00:23:20That two-year-old age,
00:23:22you need patience
00:23:22to deal with that
00:23:23two-year-old baby.
00:23:24All you do
00:23:25is repeat yourself
00:23:27all goddamn day
00:23:28to a two-year-old child.
00:23:30You say the same shit
00:23:31over and over again.
00:23:32Hey,
00:23:33hey,
00:23:33hey,
00:23:33come here.
00:23:34Look at me.
00:23:34Hey,
00:23:35look at me.
00:23:35What'd I say?
00:23:36No.
00:23:37Come here.
00:23:37Look at me.
00:23:38Hey,
00:23:38look at me.
00:23:39What'd I...
00:23:39No.
00:23:40Come here.
00:23:40Look at me.
00:23:41Hey,
00:23:42hey,
00:23:42look at me.
00:23:43What'd I say?
00:23:44What...
00:23:45No.
00:23:45Come here.
00:23:46Look at...
00:23:46Hey,
00:23:47hey,
00:23:47look at...
00:23:48You wanna get...
00:23:48You wanna get...
00:23:49Ah,
00:23:49you wanna...
00:23:50No.
00:23:51Come here.
00:23:51Look at...
00:23:51Don't nobody got time
00:23:52to do that shit all day.
00:23:54Ladies,
00:23:55stop assuming
00:23:55that every man
00:23:56has that patience
00:23:56because we don't.
00:23:57We don't have the patience.
00:23:59Another thing,
00:24:00ladies,
00:24:00stop making these
00:24:01old-ass men
00:24:02have these fucking babies.
00:24:03I was at a park.
00:24:04I saw a 63-year-old man
00:24:06with a 2-year-old baby.
00:24:07It was sad.
00:24:08He was treating a baby
00:24:09like a loose basketball
00:24:10at the playground.
00:24:11He's like,
00:24:11hey,
00:24:11hey,
00:24:12grab that baby.
00:24:12Hey,
00:24:13goddamn.
00:24:16Ah.
00:24:18Fucking back.
00:24:19Goddamn.
00:24:20Somebody grab that baby,
00:24:21throw that baby back.
00:24:23But he was a cool old head.
00:24:25You know those old heads
00:24:27that are stuck
00:24:27like in that era
00:24:28and this era right here?
00:24:30He was cool as shit.
00:24:31He didn't know how to work
00:24:32none of the baby shit.
00:24:33So he was trying
00:24:34to get my attention.
00:24:35He was like,
00:24:35hey,
00:24:36hey,
00:24:37young blood.
00:24:38Hey,
00:24:40young blood,
00:24:40let me holler at you
00:24:41real quick.
00:24:41Hey,
00:24:42young blood.
00:24:44Young blood,
00:24:45let me holler at you
00:24:45real quick.
00:24:47Let me holler at you,
00:24:48young blood.
00:24:48I got the stroller up,
00:24:49but I can't get it down.
00:24:50It's like a hard dick
00:24:51on a good night.
00:24:52Hello,
00:24:53give me something.
00:24:54Come on now,
00:24:54young blood.
00:24:55Give me something.
00:24:56You know what I'm talking about.
00:24:57I said,
00:24:58look,
00:24:58it's a tap and release.
00:25:00All you got to do
00:25:00is tap the middle section.
00:25:01The stroller going to collapse.
00:25:02He said,
00:25:03show me how to do it,
00:25:03young blood.
00:25:04I tapped the stroller.
00:25:05The stroller collapsed.
00:25:06He lost it.
00:25:07He said,
00:25:07God,
00:25:09shit.
00:25:11Yeah.
00:25:13Yeah.
00:25:14Young blood,
00:25:15anyway,
00:25:15I get you to follow me
00:25:15to my car,
00:25:16help me properly
00:25:17strap my baby
00:25:17in the car seat.
00:25:18I don't think
00:25:19I did it right
00:25:19on the way over here.
00:25:21Let's just say
00:25:21I made a left
00:25:22and my baby slid
00:25:23from the right
00:25:23and smacked her head
00:25:25on the glass
00:25:25from the left-hand side.
00:25:26She was bleeding
00:25:27and everything.
00:25:28I'm going to tell her mother
00:25:28it happened at the playground,
00:25:29but between us,
00:25:30it did not.
00:25:31Give me something.
00:25:32Come on now.
00:25:32Hello.
00:25:33You know what I'm talking about.
00:25:36Ladies,
00:25:36I will say this though.
00:25:38When it comes to having patience,
00:25:39you got it.
00:25:40I take my hat off to you.
00:25:42You actually deserve
00:25:43all the accolades
00:25:44that come your way
00:25:45when it comes to
00:25:45dealing with a child,
00:25:46ladies.
00:25:47Feeding a kid,
00:25:47bathing a kid,
00:25:48clothing a kid,
00:25:49to school,
00:25:50from school,
00:25:51potty training.
00:25:52Some of you do it
00:25:53while you work.
00:25:53It's un-fucking-believable.
00:25:55Unbelievable.
00:25:57But,
00:25:58but,
00:25:59the one thing
00:26:00that you are not,
00:26:01ladies,
00:26:01is fun.
00:26:02You're not fun.
00:26:04Now,
00:26:05I know some women
00:26:05instantly got an attitude.
00:26:06What bullshit?
00:26:07I'm fucking fun.
00:26:08You don't even know.
00:26:10I'm so much fun.
00:26:11No, you're not.
00:26:12You're not.
00:26:14You've never heard a kid say,
00:26:16I can't wait
00:26:17to get home
00:26:18and play with my mom.
00:26:19You ain't never heard that.
00:26:21It's never happened.
00:26:22The reason why
00:26:23is because you try
00:26:24to blur the lines, ladies.
00:26:26You want to do it all.
00:26:26You want to be the fun parent
00:26:27and the disciplinarian.
00:26:29You can't be both.
00:26:30You got to pick one.
00:26:32See, the fun tag
00:26:33gets slapped
00:26:33on the dad's back.
00:26:34We don't ask for it.
00:26:35It's just the way that it is.
00:26:37We don't want to be
00:26:37the disciplinarian either.
00:26:38But you make us
00:26:40become the disciplinarian.
00:26:41As soon as a man
00:26:42walks in the house,
00:26:43you hit him with the bullshit.
00:26:44Go in there
00:26:45and go fuck that baby up.
00:26:47What?
00:26:48What?
00:26:50I just got home.
00:26:51I just walked in the house.
00:26:53You gonna let him
00:26:54disrespect us?
00:26:55Us?
00:26:57Ain't nobody said shit to me.
00:26:58Ain't nobody said shit to me.
00:27:01Now you got to go
00:27:02give a confused ass whooping.
00:27:04man,
00:27:09your mother said
00:27:10I gotta fuck you up.
00:27:13What'd I do?
00:27:14I don't know.
00:27:15I don't know what you did.
00:27:16She said fuck you up
00:27:18or get fucked up.
00:27:19I choose you.
00:27:20I'm gonna fuck you up.
00:27:23Now right now,
00:27:24I know some women
00:27:24are thinking to themselves
00:27:25and you're like,
00:27:25so what Kevin?
00:27:27If it's about having fun,
00:27:28then just go have fun.
00:27:30It's not that easy.
00:27:31Having fun
00:27:32is a very difficult job.
00:27:34The reason why I say that
00:27:35is because kids don't know
00:27:37how to shut fun off.
00:27:39Kids think fun
00:27:40lasts forever.
00:27:41I'm gonna tell you
00:27:42the scariest shit in the world
00:27:43for a man to see
00:27:43after a long day at work.
00:27:45Long day at work,
00:27:46you get home,
00:27:47you put your key in the door,
00:27:48you open up that door real slow.
00:27:50Scariest shit in the world
00:27:51for a man to see
00:27:51is that baby
00:27:52with all that energy
00:27:54on the other side.
00:27:56Oh yeah!
00:27:58Daddy home,
00:27:59it's time to play.
00:28:01I wanna play, daddy.
00:28:05I've been taking naps
00:28:06with mommy all day.
00:28:10I wanna play that game
00:28:11when you try to close
00:28:11your eyelids
00:28:12and I keep opening
00:28:13them back up.
00:28:15Oh yeah!
00:28:19It's time to play, daddy.
00:28:23I'll make a bet.
00:28:25I'll make a bet right now
00:28:26that every man in this room
00:28:27that has a child
00:28:27has done what I'm about to say
00:28:28at least one time.
00:28:29At least one time.
00:28:31Long day at work,
00:28:32you're in your car,
00:28:32you're driving home.
00:28:33You're pulling your driveway.
00:28:35When you're pulling your driveway,
00:28:36that baby
00:28:37with all that energy
00:28:38runs to the window,
00:28:39opens up the blinds.
00:28:40Oh yeah!
00:28:44Daddy home,
00:28:44it's time to play.
00:28:46You see the baby
00:28:47in the blinds,
00:28:48the baby see you.
00:28:49You and the baby
00:28:50are looking at each other.
00:28:52You locked eyes
00:28:53with the goddamn baby.
00:28:54You staring at the baby,
00:28:56the baby's staring at you.
00:29:00And you back out the driveway.
00:29:03You back out
00:29:04the goddamn driveway.
00:29:06Fuck that baby today.
00:29:09I'd rather go back to work
00:29:10and throw boxes
00:29:11at the goddamn wall
00:29:12and deal with that baby today.
00:29:14Where you going, daddy?
00:29:15Fuck you, baby.
00:29:18Fuck you, baby.
00:29:21You're only laughing
00:29:22because it's true.
00:29:25With that being said,
00:29:26it's very important
00:29:26to understand your patience.
00:29:28You got to know
00:29:29your patience levels.
00:29:30Older you get,
00:29:31thinner your patience gets.
00:29:33My patience
00:29:34is definitely wearing thin.
00:29:35I know it is.
00:29:36You know how I know?
00:29:37Because I'm not the same guy
00:29:39that I used to be
00:29:39with my dogs.
00:29:40I'm a dog dude, people.
00:29:42I love dogs.
00:29:43You hear me?
00:29:44Love dogs.
00:29:44Shouts out to my other dog lovers
00:29:46if you're here tonight.
00:29:47Shouts out to you.
00:29:49Love dogs.
00:29:51I got two dogs.
00:29:52I got a big-ass Doberman.
00:29:54That's Roxy.
00:29:54That's my heart.
00:29:55Love Roxy to death.
00:29:56Then we got a little men pin.
00:29:58That's Riggs.
00:29:59I'm going to be honest with y'all.
00:29:59I don't give a fuck about that dog.
00:30:01That's my wife, though.
00:30:02I don't care.
00:30:03I don't care about that dog.
00:30:04But my dog,
00:30:05my dog is trained.
00:30:07Trained to the max.
00:30:08But I got comfortable.
00:30:09I got comfortable with my dog.
00:30:11When you get comfortable,
00:30:12things change.
00:30:13True story.
00:30:15I wake up 5.30 in the morning.
00:30:16I walk in my hallway.
00:30:17My dog went to the bathroom
00:30:19in the hallway.
00:30:19I see it.
00:30:20I got a decision to make.
00:30:22Do I go get my dog,
00:30:23discipline my dog,
00:30:23and clean this up right now?
00:30:25Or do I get back in the bed
00:30:26and deal with it later
00:30:27when I wake up?
00:30:28It's 5.30.
00:30:28I chose to get back in the bed.
00:30:30I'll deal with it later
00:30:31when I wake up.
00:30:327.15.
00:30:33My wife wakes up.
00:30:34All I hear is,
00:30:35oh, my God.
00:30:37The dog went to the bathroom
00:30:38in the hallway.
00:30:39I sat up acting like
00:30:40I didn't know nothing.
00:30:41You got to be fucking kidding me.
00:30:44I said,
00:30:45you want me to get it?
00:30:46You want me to clean it up?
00:30:47She was like,
00:30:47no, I'm up now.
00:30:48I'll get it.
00:30:49I was like,
00:30:50exactly.
00:30:53Exactly.
00:30:54I knew you would get it.
00:30:55That's why I left it there.
00:30:56I exactly do.
00:30:58At that moment,
00:30:59I thought to myself,
00:31:00I said,
00:31:00God damn it,
00:31:00Kevin,
00:31:01is this the kind of man
00:31:02you want to be?
00:31:03Do you want to be the man
00:31:04that doesn't give 100%
00:31:05because you know
00:31:06your other half
00:31:06is going to put up
00:31:07the percentage
00:31:08that you failed to give?
00:31:09No, I don't.
00:31:10I don't.
00:31:11And I was about to be.
00:31:12I was about to be that guy.
00:31:14And so my best friend,
00:31:15Harry showed up in my house
00:31:16with his two-year-old baby.
00:31:18Harry's got a two-year-old baby.
00:31:19I call his baby a great baby.
00:31:21Let me tell you guys
00:31:22what I mean when I say
00:31:22a great baby.
00:31:23A great baby is a baby
00:31:25that does adult shit
00:31:26at a baby age.
00:31:28Now,
00:31:28Harry showing up in my house
00:31:29with this baby unannounced
00:31:30was a bitch move.
00:31:31I didn't like that at all.
00:31:32That was a bitch move.
00:31:33But my wife,
00:31:34my wife fell for it.
00:31:35As soon as she saw the baby,
00:31:36she was like,
00:31:37oh my God.
00:31:37Oh my God.
00:31:39No.
00:31:40No.
00:31:41Y'all haven't had a break
00:31:42since y'all had that baby.
00:31:44Leave the baby with me and Kev.
00:31:45We're going to watch the baby
00:31:46for y'all today.
00:31:47He said,
00:31:48Kev,
00:31:48is that okay with you?
00:31:49I said,
00:31:49as you can see,
00:31:50I don't run my household.
00:31:52I have no control
00:31:54over my household.
00:31:56They leave the baby with us.
00:31:58They get in the car.
00:31:59They drive off.
00:31:59Here's how I knew
00:32:00this was a great baby.
00:32:02When they drive off,
00:32:03the great baby's waving by.
00:32:04She's standing on the front step.
00:32:05She turns around,
00:32:07taps me on the leg twice.
00:32:08She said,
00:32:10pardon me.
00:32:10I said,
00:32:11what the fuck
00:32:13did you just say?
00:32:15This is a little black baby.
00:32:18I've never heard a black person
00:32:19say pardon me.
00:32:20Never.
00:32:22I move out the way.
00:32:23The great baby walks in the kitchen.
00:32:25I tell my wife,
00:32:26the great baby might be hungry.
00:32:27Let's see if she wants something to eat.
00:32:29You want a sandwich?
00:32:30Great baby says,
00:32:31yes,
00:32:31we make a sandwich,
00:32:32put it on a plate,
00:32:33sit the plate on the countertop.
00:32:34The plate made a noise
00:32:35when it hit the countertop.
00:32:46The great baby tapped the countertop
00:32:50who's been watching HGTV with this baby?
00:32:53I'm blown away.
00:32:54At this point,
00:32:55I feel like I don't even need to be around a baby.
00:32:57I've seen enough.
00:32:58I go in the living room,
00:32:59I finish watching TV.
00:33:00Great baby follows me in the living room,
00:33:02gets up on the couch,
00:33:03starts watching TV with me.
00:33:05We get done watching TV,
00:33:07the great baby goes to get off the couch.
00:33:08Well,
00:33:08she didn't get off the couch
00:33:09like a regular baby.
00:33:10Regular babies turn on their stomach
00:33:12and they slide down
00:33:14until their feet hit something.
00:33:16Sometimes it's the floor,
00:33:17sometimes it's not.
00:33:18That's the gamble
00:33:19that a regular baby is willing to take.
00:33:22The great baby didn't do that.
00:33:23The great baby sat up at the edge
00:33:24and jumped.
00:33:26She landed,
00:33:27put both hands in the air.
00:33:28She looked at me,
00:33:29she said,
00:33:3010?
00:33:30Is it a 10?
00:33:34You fucking right
00:33:35it's a goddamn 10,
00:33:36great baby.
00:33:37You stuck the shit out of that and landed.
00:33:40At this point,
00:33:41I've seen enough.
00:33:42I've seen enough.
00:33:43I'm blown away by the great baby.
00:33:44The great baby can take care of herself.
00:33:47Great baby is now walking all over the house.
00:33:49Once again,
00:33:49this is a true story.
00:33:5110 minutes go by.
00:33:5210 minutes go by,
00:33:53I smell shit.
00:33:56I smell it.
00:33:57I turn around,
00:33:58there's a pile of shit
00:33:59in the middle of my living room floor.
00:34:01My Doberman is on this side,
00:34:03the great baby is on this side.
00:34:05Now I'm pissed.
00:34:06My dog didn't bark.
00:34:07You didn't scratch the door,
00:34:08now you're getting in trouble.
00:34:09I go grab my dog by the collar,
00:34:10I discipline my dog.
00:34:11You know better than this.
00:34:12You don't go to the bathroom in the house
00:34:14and more importantly,
00:34:15you don't embarrass me like this
00:34:16in front of this goddamn great baby.
00:34:17I go put my dog in a cage.
00:34:19I go back to clean it up,
00:34:20I look at it,
00:34:22that's not my dog shit.
00:34:24I know what my dog shit look like.
00:34:25It don't look like that.
00:34:26I look at the great baby,
00:34:27the great baby got on a white pamper.
00:34:29There's no shit
00:34:31anywhere around a pamper.
00:34:32Now I'm confused.
00:34:34Because I know what I'm looking at.
00:34:35Somebody's shitting on the floor.
00:34:36I'm looking at shit
00:34:37on the floor.
00:34:40Somebody's shitting on the floor.
00:34:41I'm so confused.
00:34:43I go wake my wife up.
00:34:44My wife's sleeping on the couch.
00:34:46Babe.
00:34:46Babe, wake up.
00:34:48Wake up.
00:34:49What?
00:34:50Hey, wake up.
00:34:51What?
00:34:52Hey.
00:34:54Did you shit on that floor
00:34:56before you laid on this goddamn couch?
00:34:58What?
00:34:59Did you shit on the floor
00:35:02before you laid on this goddamn couch?
00:35:05Ain't nobody shit on no floor.
00:35:06Somebody shitted on the floor.
00:35:08I turned back around.
00:35:10Me and the great baby locked eyes.
00:35:13Now I feel like the great baby
00:35:14trying to play me.
00:35:15I said, great baby,
00:35:17I've been nothing but good to you
00:35:18since you've been in my house.
00:35:19You came in the house.
00:35:20You wanted something to eat.
00:35:21I made you a sandwich.
00:35:22We watched TV.
00:35:24You jumped off the couch.
00:35:24I gave you a 10.
00:35:25For you, the shit on my floor
00:35:27is disrespectful.
00:35:28Did you shit on my floor?
00:35:30The great baby was like,
00:35:31pardon me?
00:35:32Shut up.
00:35:33Shut up.
00:35:34Shut up.
00:35:34Shut up.
00:35:35Did you shit on my floor?
00:35:38Great baby put both hands in the air
00:35:40and turned around
00:35:41as if to say, check me.
00:35:43I take two fingers,
00:35:45put my fingers in the back of the pamper.
00:35:47I pull the pamper out.
00:35:48There's no shit in the back of the pamper.
00:35:51At this point,
00:35:52I'm fucked up in the head.
00:35:54Now, now,
00:35:55now I question myself.
00:35:57Did I shit on the floor?
00:35:59I didn't shit on no floor.
00:36:01I would know if I shit on the floor.
00:36:03I didn't shit on the floor.
00:36:05I apologize to the great baby.
00:36:06Great baby, I'm sorry.
00:36:07I shouldn't have came at you like that.
00:36:09You've been nothing but great
00:36:10since you've been in my house.
00:36:10You know what I'm going to do?
00:36:11I'm going to go look at my security cameras.
00:36:13I got cameras all over the house.
00:36:15I go look at the cameras.
00:36:18Whoever shit on my floor
00:36:19was a mastermind.
00:36:20This was a planned attack.
00:36:22I say that because they shit it
00:36:24in the one blind spot
00:36:25that I have in my house.
00:36:28I couldn't see a damn thing
00:36:29from this spot.
00:36:31So I had to take one for the team.
00:36:33I go get the cleaning materials.
00:36:34I come back.
00:36:35I clean it up.
00:36:36It took me 45 minutes
00:36:37to get this up out the carpet.
00:36:39I'm pissed.
00:36:40Pissed.
00:36:41Harry comes back
00:36:42to get the great baby.
00:36:43Y'all had a good time?
00:36:44Y'all enjoy the baby?
00:36:45My wife is ecstatic.
00:36:46Oh my God.
00:36:47Oh my God.
00:36:48We love that baby.
00:36:49What about you, Kev?
00:36:49I say, hey, that's a great baby.
00:36:51Y'all doing a good job.
00:36:51Can I talk to you over here
00:36:52away from everybody, please?
00:36:55I just want to tell you
00:36:57that I snapped on the great baby.
00:36:59I was pissed off
00:37:00because somebody
00:37:01shitted on my floor.
00:37:02He said, what?
00:37:03I said, somebody
00:37:05shitted on my floor.
00:37:07He said, oh my God.
00:37:10She did that.
00:37:11I said, excuse me?
00:37:12He said, she did that.
00:37:14She know how to take her pamper,
00:37:16pull it to the side,
00:37:17then she'll shit wherever she at,
00:37:18then she'll put the pamper back.
00:37:20I forgot to tell you that
00:37:22when I dropped her off.
00:37:26How the fuck do you forget
00:37:28to tell me that?
00:37:30That should have been
00:37:31the first thing you said
00:37:32when you dropped
00:37:33this shitty-ass baby off
00:37:35at my goddamn house.
00:37:36My dog came up.
00:37:38My dog was like,
00:37:39you got to put that bitch
00:37:40in a cage.
00:37:40I said, hey, hey,
00:37:42go lay down.
00:37:43Go lay down.
00:37:45I said, dude, I'm pissed off.
00:37:46It took me 45 minutes
00:37:48to get up by the carpet.
00:37:49My wife was like, exactly.
00:37:51I said, babe, not now.
00:37:52Let me handle it.
00:37:53She said, I'm just saying exactly.
00:37:56I said, exactly what?
00:37:58She said, I saw the baby
00:37:59when she did it,
00:37:59but I didn't feel like
00:38:00cleaning it up,
00:38:01so I just acted like
00:38:02I was asleep.
00:38:02I said, ain't this about a bitch?
00:38:05Ain't this about a bitch?
00:38:08She exactly me back, people.
00:38:11She got me good.
00:38:14I'm going to be honest with you guys.
00:38:16I don't really like
00:38:16having company over my house.
00:38:18I don't.
00:38:19The reason why
00:38:20is because my house got robbed.
00:38:22Whenever your house gets robbed,
00:38:24it messes with you mentally.
00:38:25It's all about
00:38:26protecting my household.
00:38:27I'm the man of the house.
00:38:28I'm going to protect my household.
00:38:29So I went out.
00:38:31I bought nine guns,
00:38:32put them in secret compartments
00:38:34all over my house.
00:38:35Understand something.
00:38:36You cannot put guns
00:38:38in secret compartments
00:38:39in your house
00:38:39without playing out
00:38:41fake scenarios in your head
00:38:42that help justify
00:38:44you putting the guns
00:38:45in these places.
00:38:46This is where you go crazy.
00:38:47I was in the house
00:38:48for three hours
00:38:49by myself
00:38:50acting out shit
00:38:52that never happened.
00:38:54Oh.
00:38:56Oh, shit.
00:38:58Oh, shit.
00:39:00This how you going to do me?
00:39:02Huh?
00:39:03You going to ride me
00:39:04at the front door?
00:39:06Okay.
00:39:09I'm going to give you
00:39:10what you want.
00:39:11I'm going to give you
00:39:12what you want.
00:39:15Just let me check
00:39:16the mailbox
00:39:17one last time.
00:39:19Dunk apartment.
00:39:25Oh, shit.
00:39:28Oh, shit.
00:39:30This how you going to do me?
00:39:31Huh?
00:39:33You going to ride me
00:39:34in the guest bathroom?
00:39:35I'm going to ride me
00:39:35in the guest room?
00:39:35Okay.
00:39:38I'm going to give you
00:39:39what you want.
00:39:41I'm going to give you
00:39:42what you want.
00:39:44Just let me wipe my ass
00:39:47one last time.
00:39:49Dunk apartment.
00:39:56Oh, shit.
00:40:00Oh, shit.
00:40:01This how you going to do me?
00:40:03Huh?
00:40:04You going to ride me
00:40:05in the kitchen
00:40:06while I'm cooking
00:40:07for my family
00:40:07on Thanksgiving?
00:40:09Okay.
00:40:10Okay.
00:40:12I'm going to give you
00:40:13what you want.
00:40:15I'm going to give you
00:40:15what you want.
00:40:18Just let me open
00:40:19the oven and check
00:40:20on the turkey
00:40:20one last time.
00:40:23Dunk apartment.
00:40:30Oh, shit.
00:40:33Oh, shit.
00:40:35This how you going
00:40:36to do me?
00:40:37Huh?
00:40:38You going to ride me
00:40:39in the living room
00:40:40while I'm sitting
00:40:40on the couch
00:40:41in front of the fireplace
00:40:42masturbating?
00:40:43Okay.
00:40:45Okay.
00:40:47I'm going to give you
00:40:47what you want.
00:40:50I'm going to give you
00:40:50what you want.
00:40:53Just let me log off
00:40:55a porn hub
00:40:55one last time.
00:40:57Dunk apartment.
00:41:04Oh, shit.
00:41:08Oh, shit.
00:41:11This how you going
00:41:13to do me?
00:41:15You going to ride me
00:41:18in the laundry room
00:41:19while I'm taking
00:41:21while I'm taking
00:41:22my clothes
00:41:23out the washing machine
00:41:24and putting them
00:41:25in the dryer?
00:41:26Okay.
00:41:27Okay.
00:41:31Hold on.
00:41:32We got to...
00:41:33Hold on.
00:41:35Hold on.
00:41:36I got to...
00:41:36I got to get through it.
00:41:38Let me get through it.
00:41:41This is my favorite joke.
00:41:43Hold on.
00:41:48You going to ride me
00:41:50in the laundry room
00:41:52while I'm taking
00:41:53my clothes
00:41:54out the washing machine
00:41:55and putting them
00:41:56in the dryer?
00:41:57Okay.
00:41:59Okay.
00:42:01I'm going to give you
00:42:02what you want.
00:42:04I'm going to give you
00:42:05what you want.
00:42:08Just let me add
00:42:10some fabric
00:42:11softener sheets.
00:42:23We had nine guns
00:42:25all over the house.
00:42:27Then I got robbed again
00:42:28in one spot
00:42:29that I forgot
00:42:29to put a gun.
00:42:31So I spent
00:42:32the whole time
00:42:33I was getting robbed
00:42:33trying to get them
00:42:34to go where the guns were.
00:42:37Come on, man.
00:42:38Fuck.
00:42:43That's how you
00:42:44going to do me?
00:42:47Don't nobody
00:42:47got to use
00:42:48the guest bathroom?
00:42:51Come on, man.
00:42:52I'll wipe your butt.
00:42:53I'll wipe your butt.
00:42:54Please.
00:42:56Please.
00:42:58Y'all just going
00:42:59to rob me
00:42:59on empty stomachs?
00:43:02Don't nobody
00:43:02want no leftover
00:43:03turkey?
00:43:04It's in the oven.
00:43:06At least let me
00:43:07masturbate on the couch
00:43:08one last time.
00:43:09Come on, man.
00:43:10I ain't gay.
00:43:11I'm just trying
00:43:12to have a good time.
00:43:13Don't do me like this.
00:43:14Let me get my clothes
00:43:15out the washing machine
00:43:16and put them in the dryer.
00:43:18Or you going to let
00:43:19my clothes mildew,
00:43:20you selfish son of a bitch.
00:43:26I still allow
00:43:28my closest friends
00:43:29to come over
00:43:29to my house
00:43:30once a month.
00:43:30Once a month.
00:43:32We have game night
00:43:33at my house
00:43:34once a month.
00:43:35I'll be honest
00:43:35with you people,
00:43:36I personally
00:43:37don't like game night.
00:43:38I can't stand
00:43:39game night.
00:43:40I think game night
00:43:41brings the worst
00:43:42out of couples,
00:43:43especially in my household
00:43:44because we're way
00:43:45too competitive.
00:43:46We play Monopoly,
00:43:47but I don't like
00:43:48the way we play Monopoly.
00:43:49We don't play it correctly.
00:43:51We allow the negotiations
00:43:53to go outside
00:43:54of the game of Monopoly.
00:43:56For example,
00:43:57here's how we negotiate.
00:43:58All right,
00:43:58let's say we're playing,
00:43:59right?
00:43:59Here's how we negotiate.
00:44:01I say,
00:44:01all right,
00:44:01look,
00:44:02you can land
00:44:02on my property
00:44:03two times without paying,
00:44:04but you got to pay
00:44:05my parking ticket
00:44:06that I got in real life
00:44:07yesterday.
00:44:07If you agree to that,
00:44:09that's our deal.
00:44:10You understand
00:44:10what I'm saying?
00:44:12Last time we played,
00:44:13I got pissed
00:44:14because the women,
00:44:15the women got drunk.
00:44:16When women get drunk,
00:44:18women,
00:44:18you guys can get stupid
00:44:19when you get drunk.
00:44:20You got two levels,
00:44:21ladies.
00:44:21You got not drunk
00:44:22and stupid.
00:44:23You skip all this space.
00:44:24Like, literally,
00:44:25you just hop over
00:44:26all the fucking space.
00:44:27It's either,
00:44:28no,
00:44:29I'm not drinking
00:44:29like that tonight,
00:44:30or it's,
00:44:31oh my God,
00:44:32I'm so fucked up.
00:44:33It's one or the other.
00:44:35It's,
00:44:35oh my God,
00:44:37I can't believe
00:44:38I got this
00:44:39fucked up.
00:44:41Somebody put one
00:44:42of the Monopoly pieces
00:44:43in my butt.
00:44:44What?
00:44:44What'd you say?
00:44:46I'm so fucked up.
00:44:48That messed up the game
00:44:49and I was killing the game.
00:44:51I was destroying
00:44:52the goddamn game.
00:44:53Now,
00:44:53I can admit,
00:44:54I'm very childish
00:44:54when I play board games.
00:44:56Very childish.
00:44:57Whenever you land
00:44:57on my property,
00:44:58I make DJ noises.
00:45:00Every time.
00:45:01Every time you land
00:45:02on my property.
00:45:03You got to pay that.
00:45:04You got to fucking
00:45:05pay that.
00:45:08My wife was drunk.
00:45:10She landed on my property.
00:45:11I lit her up.
00:45:13You got to fucking
00:45:14pay that.
00:45:15You got to pay that.
00:45:16You ever see a woman
00:45:17when she's drunk,
00:45:18but she's trying to talk
00:45:19like she's not drunk,
00:45:19but she's clearly drunk?
00:45:21She was like,
00:45:22I ain't,
00:45:23I ain't,
00:45:25I ain't,
00:45:26it ain't even
00:45:27that serious.
00:45:29It's like,
00:45:30how,
00:45:30how,
00:45:31how,
00:45:32how,
00:45:33how much,
00:45:34how much I owe you,
00:45:36what I owe you.
00:45:37I look down,
00:45:38she don't have no money.
00:45:39You don't even have no money.
00:45:41Stop wasting time.
00:45:42Take your piece,
00:45:43put your piece in the box.
00:45:44Get the fuck up.
00:45:44You lost.
00:45:45M-m-m-man.
00:45:46Get the fuck out of here.
00:45:48You gonna do me like that?
00:45:49You gonna do your wife like that?
00:45:51Yes.
00:45:52Yes.
00:45:53It's a game.
00:45:54All I want to do is win.
00:45:55I took a piece.
00:45:56I plucked it.
00:45:57Pat.
00:45:57That shit shot
00:45:57across the room somewhere.
00:45:59M-m-m-man.
00:46:00Get the fuck out of here.
00:46:02All my trash talk
00:46:03is within the game of Monopoly.
00:46:05She takes it
00:46:06outside
00:46:07the game of Monopoly.
00:46:09She goes,
00:46:09all you want to do is win.
00:46:11That's all you want to do.
00:46:12Well,
00:46:12all I want to do
00:46:13is come sometimes.
00:46:15What?
00:46:15What?
00:46:17What?
00:46:18What?
00:46:19What the fuck
00:46:19that got to do with anything?
00:46:20What they got to do
00:46:21with the goddamn game?
00:46:22Out of nowhere,
00:46:23Harry and Wayne stood up.
00:46:24They was like,
00:46:24m-m-m-man.
00:46:27He don't make cuck cuck.
00:46:30I said,
00:46:30ain't this a bitch?
00:46:31I got mad.
00:46:32I messed up the game.
00:46:32Everybody out.
00:46:33Get the fuck out.
00:46:34Everybody out of my house.
00:46:35Get out.
00:46:36As they start walking out,
00:46:37Harry and Wayne was like,
00:46:38man,
00:46:38fuck this house.
00:46:39Ain't these fake-ass guard dogs.
00:46:40When he said that,
00:46:41a light bulb went off
00:46:42in my head
00:46:43for the first time.
00:46:44I immediately thought
00:46:45to myself,
00:46:47where were my dogs
00:46:48when I got robbed?
00:46:50Where were my dogs?
00:46:54I run,
00:46:55I go look at that
00:46:55security cameras.
00:46:56I'd be damned
00:46:57if I didn't see
00:46:58four eyes in the closet
00:46:59doing this shit right here.
00:47:03They was looking
00:47:03at the whole thing.
00:47:04You could hear them talking.
00:47:05They was like,
00:47:05goddamn,
00:47:05they're taking everything.
00:47:06Do you see this?
00:47:07This is ridiculous.
00:47:09They're not leaving
00:47:09nothing behind.
00:47:10I'm glad we got
00:47:11our stuff in here.
00:47:12You got your bed?
00:47:13You got your bowl?
00:47:14He got to get a guard dog.
00:47:15I'm not going to live like this.
00:47:17This is not safe for us.
00:47:19Bet you are the guard dog.
00:47:24You need friends
00:47:25like the ones I got.
00:47:27I have amazing friends, man.
00:47:29I truly believe
00:47:29that I would not be
00:47:30where I am today
00:47:31if it were not
00:47:32for my support group.
00:47:33My friends have a lot
00:47:33to do with my level
00:47:35of success.
00:47:35That's why I'm loyal to them.
00:47:37That's why I'm true to them.
00:47:38Over the summer,
00:47:39I took them to Japan.
00:47:40I said,
00:47:41let's do something different.
00:47:42Let's go embrace
00:47:43another culture.
00:47:44The word no
00:47:45cannot exist.
00:47:47They said,
00:47:47bet, let's do it.
00:47:48We go to Japan.
00:47:49First thing they want to do
00:47:50when we got to Japan
00:47:51is go to the amusement park.
00:47:52Now, if you really know me,
00:47:54if you really follow me,
00:47:55you know I don't like
00:47:56amusement parks.
00:47:57But I said,
00:47:57the word no doesn't exist
00:47:58and that's what I meant.
00:47:59We go to the amusement park
00:48:00in Japan.
00:48:01When we first got there,
00:48:02I have to be honest,
00:48:03I was blown away.
00:48:04This shit was incredible.
00:48:05The reason why
00:48:06I was blown away
00:48:07is because I,
00:48:09I was the tallest person
00:48:10in the park.
00:48:10This is a true story.
00:48:12It's a true story.
00:48:13They were calling me Godzilla.
00:48:15They was a Godzilla.
00:48:16I was giving out advice
00:48:17that I've never given,
00:48:18telling people to drink milk,
00:48:19eat their vegetables,
00:48:20shit I've never said.
00:48:22We go to get on a roller coaster.
00:48:23Once again,
00:48:24I don't do roller coasters.
00:48:25But I said the word no
00:48:26doesn't exist
00:48:27and that's what I meant.
00:48:28We go to get on
00:48:29this roller coaster
00:48:30and it made me realize
00:48:31how spoiled
00:48:33some of us are.
00:48:34We're very spoiled.
00:48:36For example,
00:48:36we go to amusement parks
00:48:37and get on a roller coaster.
00:48:38You're used to hearing
00:48:39a click
00:48:39where you put the shit
00:48:40over your head.
00:48:42That's how you know
00:48:43you're locked in.
00:48:44Ha ha!
00:48:45Yeah!
00:48:46Let's go, bitch!
00:48:47Locked and loaded.
00:48:48I'm ready.
00:48:49In Japan,
00:48:49it wasn't no click.
00:48:51They put the shit over me.
00:48:53I can still move it.
00:48:53I was like,
00:48:54yo,
00:48:56yo,
00:48:56I ain't got no click.
00:48:58My shit ain't click.
00:48:59I ain't got no click.
00:49:00Yo,
00:49:00I looked down my row
00:49:02with some Japanese people
00:49:02in the aisle.
00:49:03I was like,
00:49:03yo,
00:49:04I ain't got no click.
00:49:05This lady took a camera out,
00:49:06started taking pictures.
00:49:07I was like,
00:49:07bitch,
00:49:08no,
00:49:08this ain't the time for that.
00:49:09This is not the time for that.
00:49:10This is serious.
00:49:12Japanese guys
00:49:12walking back down the aisle.
00:49:14I flag him down.
00:49:15I'm like,
00:49:15yo,
00:49:15yo,
00:49:16I ain't got no click.
00:49:17I ain't got no click.
00:49:18My shit ain't click.
00:49:19Scariest moment of my life.
00:49:21He looked me in the eye.
00:49:22We locked eyes together.
00:49:24He goes,
00:49:26so excited!
00:49:28So excited!
00:49:30I said,
00:49:30what?
00:49:32What'd you just say?
00:49:33So excited!
00:49:36So excited!
00:49:37It started moving.
00:49:39The roller coaster started moving.
00:49:41I can't jump out
00:49:42because it's too high.
00:49:43So I wrapped my arm
00:49:44under the bar.
00:49:45I said,
00:49:45God,
00:49:46not like this.
00:49:46You didn't bring me to Japan
00:49:48to end it like this,
00:49:49did you?
00:49:50Don't do it like this.
00:49:51It takes off.
00:49:52When it takes off,
00:49:54my stomach
00:49:55immediately falls
00:49:56in my ass.
00:49:57Immediately.
00:49:58My belly button
00:49:59in my asshole
00:50:00was touching.
00:50:01It was doing this right here.
00:50:02I started farting
00:50:03and burping.
00:50:05Oh,
00:50:05God,
00:50:06I'm gonna die.
00:50:06I'm gonna fucking die.
00:50:07I know it.
00:50:08I'm about to die right now.
00:50:10It turns out
00:50:12it was one stop.
00:50:13It was a tram.
00:50:14This is what took you
00:50:15to the roller coaster.
00:50:16Didn't nobody tell me that.
00:50:17They don't communicate
00:50:18in Japan.
00:50:20The name of the roller coaster
00:50:22was so excited.
00:50:23So excited!
00:50:26We got off the roller coaster
00:50:27and they're like,
00:50:28so excited!
00:50:29Said,
00:50:30no,
00:50:30I'm not.
00:50:31You don't see these feces
00:50:32on my back?
00:50:33I done shit it all
00:50:33on myself.
00:50:35Get me the hell
00:50:36out of here.
00:50:43Japan was very tough
00:50:44for me.
00:50:45Very tough.
00:50:47The reason why Japan
00:50:48was so tough for me
00:50:49is because I didn't
00:50:50have a translator.
00:50:51Nobody told me
00:50:52that I needed a translator.
00:50:54So when we got there
00:50:54and I saw that I needed one,
00:50:55I was like,
00:50:56fuck it,
00:50:56it's too late.
00:50:56I gotta figure it out.
00:50:58Here's why I was very tough.
00:50:59I don't eat seafood, people.
00:51:01I'm allergic to seafood.
00:51:02Everywhere you go
00:51:03eat in Japan,
00:51:03it's all seafood.
00:51:04Now, you don't wanna be racist.
00:51:06You don't wanna be an asshole.
00:51:07But you end up doing
00:51:08racist asshole shit
00:51:09by accident
00:51:10when you try to communicate.
00:51:11Because you don't speak
00:51:12the language,
00:51:12so you just mimic
00:51:13what they do
00:51:14when they talk.
00:51:15It's the most racist thing
00:51:16I've ever done in my life.
00:51:17I was,
00:51:17chicken,
00:51:17chicken,
00:51:18chicken.
00:51:19I was fucking,
00:51:20I just kept getting low.
00:51:21Chicken,
00:51:22chicken.
00:51:24I saw a reflection in myself.
00:51:26Immediately got disappointed.
00:51:27Jesus Christ, Kevin,
00:51:28look at you.
00:51:29I had a Snickers bar
00:51:30last me for four days.
00:51:32I'd just take a bite,
00:51:33put it in my pocket.
00:51:35I was weak.
00:51:37I was fucking weak, man.
00:51:39I was like,
00:51:39I'm hungry.
00:51:40I need to eat.
00:51:41My friends wanted
00:51:41to go out the last night.
00:51:42I said,
00:51:42I can't.
00:51:43I'm about to die.
00:51:45Y'all go.
00:51:46Y'all go.
00:51:46I just wanna go to bed,
00:51:47wake up,
00:51:48get on the plane,
00:51:48and eat.
00:51:49That's all I wanna do.
00:51:50They go out,
00:51:51I stay home.
00:51:52I wake up in the middle of the night.
00:51:53My stomach is killing me.
00:51:55I call the front desk.
00:51:56A woman picked up the phone.
00:51:58She said,
00:51:58hello,
00:51:59front desk,
00:51:59may I help you?
00:52:00It's the first time
00:52:01that I heard English
00:52:02outside of my friends
00:52:03since I've been in Japan.
00:52:04You would have thought
00:52:05that I was Tom Hanks
00:52:07in Castaway.
00:52:09I lost it.
00:52:11chicken.
00:52:20Chicken!
00:52:24Please,
00:52:25chicken!
00:52:27She was like,
00:52:28sir,
00:52:29calm down.
00:52:30Calm down.
00:52:31What room are you in?
00:52:33I don't know.
00:52:34I don't know.
00:52:36She said,
00:52:36look at the phone.
00:52:37Your room number
00:52:38is on the phone.
00:52:40Okay.
00:52:41I'm,
00:52:42I'm in room.
00:52:44I'm in room.
00:52:46Line, line, dash,
00:52:47cross house.
00:52:48I don't know how to read it.
00:52:50It looks,
00:52:51it looks like a,
00:52:52it looks like an abandoned building
00:52:54with no windows made
00:52:55out of bamboo sticks.
00:52:56I don't know.
00:52:58So excited.
00:53:00I don't know.
00:53:01Please.
00:53:03Help.
00:53:05Did you get it?
00:53:06Did you get the joke?
00:53:07You got it?
00:53:08Because the way
00:53:08they write their numbers,
00:53:09you got it?
00:53:11I just felt like
00:53:12you should have gave
00:53:12a bigger laugh.
00:53:13I don't think your laugh
00:53:14is what it should have been.
00:53:17I almost threw
00:53:18this goddamn microphone
00:53:19at your head
00:53:19just now, sir.
00:53:21He sent you
00:53:22to court it.
00:53:25I love the fact
00:53:25that I can travel.
00:53:27I love the fact
00:53:28that I can take my kids places
00:53:29that I never dreamed
00:53:29or imagined I'd be able to.
00:53:31Every year,
00:53:32every year around the holidays,
00:53:33I take my kids to Aspen.
00:53:34Now, I don't want you guys
00:53:35to think I take my kids
00:53:36to Aspen because we can ski.
00:53:38Because we cannot.
00:53:40I just like the fact
00:53:41that we're the only
00:53:41black people there
00:53:42when we go.
00:53:42It looks great.
00:53:43It just looks good.
00:53:45Last time we went,
00:53:46I actually got into an accident
00:53:47on the bunny slopes.
00:53:49I'm trying to learn
00:53:50how to ski.
00:53:50Now, on the bunny slopes,
00:53:51they don't give you ski poles.
00:53:53They take your ski poles away.
00:53:55The reason why
00:53:55is because they want you
00:53:56to get comfortable
00:53:56with going from right to left
00:53:57and falling.
00:53:59So I'm on the bunny slopes.
00:54:00They push me down the slope.
00:54:01I'm in my ski stance, right?
00:54:03I'm going down.
00:54:04At the corner of my eye,
00:54:05I see a kid
00:54:07coming this way.
00:54:08Now, I'm not good at math.
00:54:10I'm not good at math at all.
00:54:11But I know if he keeps
00:54:12coming this way
00:54:13and I keep going this way,
00:54:15we're going to fuck each other up
00:54:16somewhere up here.
00:54:18As I'm getting closer,
00:54:19I'm like,
00:54:19yo, I'm about to hit this kid.
00:54:21My instructors start yelling,
00:54:22fall, fall, fall.
00:54:24I'm trying.
00:54:24I can't.
00:54:25I can't.
00:54:25They didn't teach me.
00:54:26I'm not going down.
00:54:27Now, I got to make a decision.
00:54:29Do I just run this kid over
00:54:31and keep going?
00:54:32Or do I become a hero?
00:54:34I chose to do some hero shit.
00:54:36As I got closer,
00:54:37I picked the kid up.
00:54:38I said, bah.
00:54:39When I picked the kid up,
00:54:40I thought that the weight
00:54:41would make me stop.
00:54:43But instead,
00:54:43we did like a little hop
00:54:45and we started going down
00:54:46another slope.
00:54:47But this,
00:54:47this was the real shit.
00:54:49This was not a part
00:54:50of the bunny slope.
00:54:50I knew it was real
00:54:51because when we started
00:54:52going down,
00:54:53this lady,
00:54:53she was like,
00:54:54he got my baby!
00:54:57I was like,
00:54:57that's not good.
00:54:58That is not good at all.
00:55:00I said,
00:55:01God, please don't let
00:55:02this baby be white.
00:55:03Don't let this be
00:55:03a white baby.
00:55:05Because I couldn't see the baby.
00:55:06The baby had on the snowsuit.
00:55:08I looked up that visor,
00:55:09that little Japanese head
00:55:10popped out like this.
00:55:12Everybody said,
00:55:12so excited!
00:55:14I said,
00:55:15oh my God.
00:55:16Oh my God.
00:55:18I got nervous.
00:55:19Just left the baby there.
00:55:20I had to go.
00:55:23Last time we went,
00:55:24I got pissed off
00:55:25because the singer Seal
00:55:27showed up on my black week.
00:55:29I was pissed.
00:55:31This is my black week.
00:55:32I've been coming here
00:55:33for the last four to five years
00:55:34on this week.
00:55:35For you to show up
00:55:35on my black week
00:55:36is very selfish
00:55:37and inconsiderate of you, Seal.
00:55:39He said,
00:55:39Kevin,
00:55:40what are you talking about?
00:55:40You don't own this week.
00:55:42I said,
00:55:42hell if I don't.
00:55:43I do.
00:55:43He said,
00:55:44I didn't even know you skied.
00:55:45I said,
00:55:46why else would I be here
00:55:47unless I skied?
00:55:48He said,
00:55:48what mountain are you going to?
00:55:49I said,
00:55:50which one are you going to?
00:55:51He said,
00:55:51Buttermilk,
00:55:52the big one.
00:55:53I said,
00:55:53well,
00:55:53I guess I'll see you there.
00:55:55I go to my instructor.
00:55:56I said,
00:55:56hey man,
00:55:57Seal is here
00:55:57and he's trying to out black me
00:55:59on my black week.
00:56:01You got to take me and my family
00:56:02up to Buttermilk Mountain.
00:56:03My instructor
00:56:04took us up to Buttermilk Mountain.
00:56:05When we got there,
00:56:06he was very honest.
00:56:07He said,
00:56:08look,
00:56:08you guys have no business
00:56:09being up here.
00:56:10He said,
00:56:10this mountain
00:56:11is way too advanced for you guys.
00:56:12You don't know how to maneuver.
00:56:14If you go straight,
00:56:15you're going to die.
00:56:15So we got to chop the mountain up.
00:56:17We got to make big S's
00:56:18going down the mountain.
00:56:20I said,
00:56:20perfect.
00:56:21You go first,
00:56:22then me,
00:56:23then my son,
00:56:23then my daughter,
00:56:24then my wife.
00:56:25In my mind,
00:56:26if anybody falls,
00:56:28they're going to fall on me.
00:56:29That's how I'm going to keep
00:56:29my family together.
00:56:30That's what I'm thinking
00:56:31in my head.
00:56:32Okay?
00:56:33We start going down the mountain.
00:56:34Exactly what he said
00:56:35is coming true.
00:56:36We're making big S's.
00:56:38Out of nowhere,
00:56:39a gust of wind
00:56:40shoots by my face.
00:56:42I turn around.
00:56:44I don't see my son.
00:56:45I have no idea
00:56:47where my son is.
00:56:48I turn back around this way.
00:56:50The instructor said,
00:56:52oh my God,
00:56:53your son is going straight.
00:56:54I'm going to go get him.
00:56:55I said,
00:56:56no,
00:56:56you're not,
00:56:56you're not going to do
00:56:57no such thing.
00:56:58He made his choice.
00:57:00He chose death.
00:57:00That's what he chose.
00:57:02You're not about to go save him
00:57:04and leave us stranded.
00:57:06Next thing you know,
00:57:07I got to eat my wife's ass
00:57:08to survive.
00:57:10My wife was like,
00:57:11I still ain't going to come.
00:57:12Will you shut the fuck?
00:57:14Shut up.
00:57:15My daughter was like,
00:57:16man,
00:57:17man,
00:57:18Shut the fuck.
00:57:18Everybody shut up.
00:57:19Out of nowhere,
00:57:21Seal came flying over the mountain.
00:57:23Seal was like,
00:57:24I'll save him.
00:57:25The crowd start fucking cheering.
00:57:27His music start playing.
00:57:28I don't even know
00:57:28where the goddamn speakers were.
00:57:30I'm pissed.
00:57:31I told my instructor,
00:57:32hey man,
00:57:33get me to the bottom of the mountain.
00:57:34Seal is trying to out black me
00:57:36on my black week.
00:57:37We get down to the bottom of the mountain.
00:57:39Seal's got my son
00:57:40on his shoulders.
00:57:42It's a crowd of people around him
00:57:43celebrating.
00:57:44I'm pissed.
00:57:45Pissed.
00:57:46Seal,
00:57:47give me back my fucking son.
00:57:48Right now.
00:57:49Give me my son.
00:57:50He said,
00:57:50you need to be thanking me
00:57:51for saving your son's life.
00:57:53I said,
00:57:53ain't nobody ask you to do that.
00:57:54I was willing to live
00:57:55with the consequences.
00:57:56Give me my fucking son back
00:57:57right now.
00:57:58He said,
00:57:59you're not going to keep
00:57:59talking to me like that
00:58:00in front of these people.
00:58:01I said,
00:58:02fuck you and these people.
00:58:03Seal popped out his skis
00:58:04without using his hands.
00:58:06Pop, pop.
00:58:07He got in a fighting stance.
00:58:08I tried to do the same thing,
00:58:09but I couldn't do it.
00:58:10I just ended up
00:58:11leaning all over the place
00:58:12like Michael Jackson
00:58:13in that fucking
00:58:13smooth criminal video.
00:58:15The crowd thought
00:58:16I was doing it on purpose.
00:58:17They was like,
00:58:17oh!
00:58:20He said,
00:58:21cuss me again, Kevin.
00:58:22I'm going to bust your ass.
00:58:23I said,
00:58:23fuck you.
00:58:24He said,
00:58:24fuck you.
00:58:25When he said it,
00:58:26a piece of spit
00:58:26flew out his mouth,
00:58:28landed on my wife's forehead.
00:58:29My wife said,
00:58:35I'm coming!
00:58:40It's been real London.
00:58:42My name is Kevin Hart.
00:58:43God damn it.
00:58:44I appreciate the love.
00:58:46Thank you guys so much.
00:58:48I fucking love you.
00:58:50I love you.
00:58:51And you best believe
00:58:52I'll be back.
00:58:58Niggas get the plan with the money, took a grand for the money, shit change over money
00:59:03You wanna see a nigga on the bottom, catch a coma gotta keep it on the low
00:59:07A nigga bloodless a nigga with a hoe, why not break the bitch down in the 36 house
00:59:12Look at here, bitch, I'm A.O.G, Charlie won't fuck with me
00:59:16Stripping into the chicken, she gon' hit my line, we ain't gon' waste no time
00:59:21She suckin' and be fuckin' like she need me, but she make a bank go easy
00:59:25Pull the light and the phone from the TV, we gettin' it on, then I'm gone
00:59:30It's the type of shit that a nigga be on
00:59:32Too much on my mind right now, I'm on the grind right now
00:59:36Lookin' for me sucker, then I need to be found right now
00:59:39I got my nine right now, bitch, I blow your mind right now
00:59:44I ain't fuckin' round right now, better get in line right now
00:59:48Or fuck around and die right now, hope you understand that
00:59:52Bitch, I'm the man, ho, I'm the man
00:59:55You know I'm the man, bitch, I'm the man
00:59:58Yeah, ho, I'm the man
01:00:00You know I'm the man, bitch, I'm the man
01:00:03Yeah, ho, I'm the man
01:00:05You know I'm the man, bitch, I'm the man
01:00:08Yeah, ho, I'm the man
01:00:25You
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