Kevin Hart - Zero Fucks Given [20] - video Dailymotion

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Kevin Hart comedy special from the comfort of his own home.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #kevinhart #kevinhartcomedy #kevinhartstandup

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00:00:17You

00:00:17Yo, I was looking all over the house for y'all. We're just chillin. I'm about to go downstairs get

00:00:22some work done. What up, champ?

00:00:24Finish your homework. No, no, no. Look at my eyes. You're lying. Finish your homework, man. Stop playing with me.

00:00:32Zo, get daddy too. Give me a boom. Boom. Give me a headbutt. Give me a kiss. Love you. Give

00:00:41me a kiss.

00:00:42Have you finished your work? Hell yeah, for the most part. I'll see y'all when I come back up.

00:00:46Bow. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, dad.

00:00:53Whoa. Daddy about to have a good time.

00:00:58Cute. Coming in. Tastes it.

00:01:02Mmm. Hiya. Yeah. Hey.

00:01:09Wow. The GOAT. Legend. Inspiration. Oh, man.

00:01:21Oh, so nice. So nice. Oh, man.

00:01:29Oh, thank you. Thank you.

00:01:34Well, thank you. Thank you.

00:01:38Much appreciated. Stop it. Sit down. Sit down.

00:01:44I appreciate it. Thank you.

00:01:47Hello. Hi.

00:01:50I can say hello. This is the first time I've been like this intimate with the crowd.

00:01:54So I can say hello, and I can actually get a hello-like response back.

00:01:57So I'm going to say it again. Hello. How y'all doing? Good?

00:01:59That's good. I like it.

00:02:01This feels right to me. This feels right.

00:02:05I'd have been in a lot of different goddamn spaces to tell some jokes.

00:02:08Been in fucking stadiums, arenas, theaters.

00:02:10This right now feels right in the comfort of my own fucking home.

00:02:15Thank you. Thank you.

00:02:18Getting back to the basics.

00:02:21Now, I want to explain to you guys why I'm actually in my house.

00:02:24We're here for a reason.

00:02:25I'm no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house.

00:02:29I'm being very fucking honest with you guys.

00:02:31I am not comfortable anywhere except my house.

00:02:35And it's for a lot of reasons.

00:02:36I feel like we should get into those reasons.

00:02:38Let's address the elephant in the room.

00:02:40Reason number one.

00:02:41COVID.

00:02:43COVID.

00:02:44Where you at right now?

00:02:45Where's your panic level?

00:02:47High?

00:02:47You in the middle?

00:02:48You low?

00:02:48Where you at?

00:02:49You can be honest.

00:02:49Let me know.

00:02:50Middle?

00:02:50High?

00:02:51Low?

00:02:51Kind of high?

00:02:52A little bit?

00:02:54Newsflash.

00:02:54I had it.

00:02:56That's right.

00:02:57I had the vid.

00:02:58The vid 19 was in my system.

00:03:02I had it in the beginning when it wasn't cool, when it wasn't a trend.

00:03:07It was me and Tom Hanks.

00:03:08We was the only two.

00:03:10I had to keep it a secret.

00:03:13I kept it a secret because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am.

00:03:16He would have swallowed my fucking announcement.

00:03:20It's Forrest Gump.

00:03:21You're not gonna beat Forrest Gump.

00:03:22No shot.

00:03:23No fucking shot I'm gonna beat Forrest Gump.

00:03:26Now if it was somebody lesser than I would have dropped that bitch in a heartbeat.

00:03:31David Hasselhoff.

00:03:32Fuck David Hasselhoff.

00:03:33Don't nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff.

00:03:35Boom.

00:03:36Dropped it.

00:03:37Kevin Hart's got it too.

00:03:38Save Kevin Hart.

00:03:39Hashtag the vid.

00:03:41You know why I call it the vid?

00:03:43Because the closest thing to AIDS.

00:03:44It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS.

00:03:47The vid.

00:03:48You got the vid?

00:03:49Fuck man.

00:03:50I got the vid.

00:03:51You got the vid?

00:03:52Shit.

00:03:53Praying for you.

00:03:54You got the fucking vid.

00:03:56I didn't even know I had it.

00:03:58I didn't even know I had it man.

00:03:59I had no symptoms at all.

00:04:01No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing.

00:04:03Now my wife, my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell.

00:04:07She told me, she said, babe, I think I got it.

00:04:09We should get tested.

00:04:10I said, well we don't have a problem.

00:04:13You got the fucking problem.

00:04:14Why do I have to get tested?

00:04:16I can taste and smell fine.

00:04:18Why the fuck do I gotta get tested?

00:04:20Made me call a doctor to the house.

00:04:21Doctor came over to the house, tested both of us.

00:04:23Said, you guys are both positive.

00:04:25I said, bullshit.

00:04:28Bullshit.

00:04:29No way I'm fucking positive.

00:04:31I immediately touched my nose twice.

00:04:33Ah, ah, can I do that?

00:04:35If I had the vid, can I fucking do this two times in a row?

00:04:39Can't touch your fucking nose with the vid.

00:04:41Everybody knows that.

00:04:42Said, Mr. Hart, I'm very serious.

00:04:44You're positive.

00:04:45This caused the uproar in my household immediately.

00:04:48Me and my wife start going at each other's throats.

00:04:50Who the fuck bought the vid up in this house?

00:04:54Who was it?

00:04:56Got to see how we felt about each other's friends.

00:04:58It was that nasty bitch Pam you always hanging with.

00:05:01That's who did it.

00:05:03Dirty foot bitch.

00:05:04Her feet dirty.

00:05:05She tracked the vid all through the goddamn house.

00:05:08Dirty foot Pam did it.

00:05:10Got the fucking vid all in this goddamn house.

00:05:13Wash the carpets immediately.

00:05:16Doctor, calm me down.

00:05:18Calm down, Kevin.

00:05:20It'll pass.

00:05:21It'll pass.

00:05:21Take 10 to 14 days.

00:05:22Relax.

00:05:23Chill out.

00:05:23Drink some tea.

00:05:25That's what the doctor told me to my fucking face.

00:05:28Drink some tea.

00:05:29Are you kidding me?

00:05:31I got the fucking vid doc.

00:05:33What the hell is tea gonna do for me?

00:05:36Where's my ventilator?

00:05:37That's what I said.

00:05:38Where is it?

00:05:39I'm supposed to get a ventilator.

00:05:40Everybody knows that.

00:05:42You get a ventilator with the vid.

00:05:43That's what they say in the blogs.

00:05:45You'll be fine, Mr. Hart.

00:05:47You'll be fine.

00:05:49When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered.

00:05:52Keep in mind, I was at the highest level in the beginning.

00:05:54Oh, my God.

00:05:56When it first hit.

00:05:57Oh, my fucking God.

00:05:59I didn't know what to do.

00:06:00I went and put gas in all the fucking cars.

00:06:04You gotta be able to escape these motherfuckers turning into zombies out here.

00:06:08I'm scared.

00:06:10Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find.

00:06:12I still don't know why we went on this toilet paper kick.

00:06:15What was so special about toilet paper?

00:06:17Nobody told me.

00:06:18Did the vid make you shit?

00:06:20What was it?

00:06:21We bought all the fucking toilet paper.

00:06:24Dry noodles.

00:06:25I got it all.

00:06:27The mask.

00:06:28I went crazy with the mask.

00:06:30In the beginning, I didn't know what mask to buy.

00:06:32I had a regular mask.

00:06:33My friend told me.

00:06:34Hey, man.

00:06:35That ain't the right mask.

00:06:36The vid gonna get through that mask.

00:06:39That mask ain't gonna protect you against the vid.

00:06:41Fuck!

00:06:43Are you serious?

00:06:44I'm serious, man.

00:06:45You gotta get the N95s.

00:06:46Oh, shit.

00:06:48Went on a website.

00:06:48I bought every N95 I saw.

00:06:51I spent 20 grand on N95s.

00:06:56Went outside the day after I saw a nigga with a titty cup on his face.

00:06:59Wasn't even a...

00:07:01With a bra strap.

00:07:02What the fuck?

00:07:03That's not a N95.

00:07:05That's an A cup bra.

00:07:06What the hell just happened?

00:07:08He didn't spend 20 grand on that.

00:07:10No way.

00:07:11Somebody juped me, man.

00:07:13My wife told me flat out.

00:07:15Babe, you know what?

00:07:16This whole thing is messing with your head.

00:07:18You gotta get out this house.

00:07:19You gotta get out the house.

00:07:21I said, there's nothing outside this house for me.

00:07:24Nothing.

00:07:25There's no reason for me to go outside this house.

00:07:28No shot.

00:07:29The things that are outside this house, I have no interest in.

00:07:32There's people out there.

00:07:34I don't like people.

00:07:35I said it.

00:07:37Cat's out the bag.

00:07:38I don't fucking like people anymore.

00:07:40You won.

00:07:41You beat me up.

00:07:42You fucking won, man.

00:07:44You know how?

00:07:45Because you guys have managed to fuck up the best job in the world, man.

00:07:49At one point in time, fame was the most sought after and best job on the fucking planet.

00:07:54If you didn't have it, you wanted the piece of it.

00:07:57You wanted to taste a little bit of it.

00:07:59I got it.

00:08:00I got to the highest level of it, and then you fucked me.

00:08:02Oh, you fucked me good.

00:08:04Oh, this generation fucked me good.

00:08:09Everything's got to be compromised.

00:08:11Everything's got to be videoed in this generation.

00:08:12If it's not on video, it never happened.

00:08:15That's how this generation lives.

00:08:17Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that you could do to a black man in 1986

00:08:21if you were the cops or the feds.

00:08:23Scariest thing that you could do is tell a black man that you had him on tape.

00:08:28If the feds came up to you and said, we got your ass on tape.

00:08:31You going to jail?

00:08:32He'll shit himself.

00:08:33What?

00:08:33Who?

00:08:33Me?

00:08:35On tape?

00:08:37Oh!

00:08:37He started crying.

00:08:41I'm going to fucking tape.

00:08:45All y'all going to fucking jail.

00:08:46We got all y'all on tape.

00:08:49He'll tell on his friends.

00:08:49Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence.

00:08:52They got us.

00:08:53Anthony, you too.

00:08:54Said they got us all on tape.

00:08:56We going to jail, apparently.

00:08:58We going to fucking jail.

00:09:01We going to tape.

00:09:03That's all the feds had to say.

00:09:05Got your ass on tape.

00:09:08Scariest thing you could do.

00:09:10You guys don't even realize that you're the feds.

00:09:13For free.

00:09:14You're not even getting paid for fucking free.

00:09:17You're just telling on people all goddamn day.

00:09:20It's a bunch of walking fucking snitches.

00:09:22It's disgusting.

00:09:24It's disgusting.

00:09:27Go with the McDonald's.

00:09:28This is a true story.

00:09:29I go to McDonald's.

00:09:31I'm at the drive-thru.

00:09:32Right?

00:09:33I want a Big Mac meal.

00:09:34I haven't had a Big Mac in the longest time.

00:09:35I'm so excited for this fucking Big Mac.

00:09:38Oh, my God.

00:09:39I can't wait to get this Big Mac.

00:09:41I get the Big Mac.

00:09:42I'm so excited.

00:09:42I pull over in a McDonald's parking lot.

00:09:44I start fucking the Big Mac up.

00:09:47Smashing it all over my face.

00:09:48Everything.

00:09:49I'm happy as hell.

00:09:51I turn to my left.

00:09:52It's a woman outside the window taping me.

00:09:54She said, got your ass.

00:09:57Hey, I'm nervous.

00:09:58What the fuck are you doing, lady?

00:09:59She said, mm-mm.

00:10:01But I got your ass.

00:10:03What the fuck you mean, got my ass?

00:10:05What am I doing?

00:10:07I'm so nervous, I dropped the burger.

00:10:08I just dropped the fucking burger.

00:10:11I grabbed my phone.

00:10:12I went to Twitter.

00:10:13I issued an apology via social media.

00:10:17I said, I'm sorry.

00:10:18I'm sorry.

00:10:20The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier,

00:10:23I announced that I was going plant-based full-time.

00:10:26I just said it.

00:10:28This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment.

00:10:33I had to issue an apology to the plant-based community.

00:10:37Became an ally.

00:10:39Made a donation.

00:10:41Was a part of protest.

00:10:41I had to do what I could.

00:10:44Stood by the side of cows.

00:10:45Took pictures.

00:10:46It was a lot.

00:10:48I don't like what you guys have made me become, man.

00:10:51I don't like it.

00:10:52I'm no longer comfortable.

00:10:54You switched it on me.

00:10:56Fuck.

00:10:57You switched it on me, man.

00:10:59For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people.

00:11:03That motherfuckers get weird sometimes, man.

00:11:05People get weird.

00:11:06That's how we looked at people.

00:11:08You switched it.

00:11:09We're the weird people now.

00:11:10You look at us like, what the fuck is wrong with that?

00:11:12We're the weird people.

00:11:14I don't know how to fucking act in public.

00:11:16Hey, man.

00:11:16Why you staring at me?

00:11:17What's going on, man?

00:11:19I think everybody's doing something.

00:11:20Look at me.

00:11:20Get your hands out your pocket.

00:11:21What's happening, man?

00:11:22Come on.

00:11:23What the fuck you about to do to me, man?

00:11:24You about to eat me, ain't you?

00:11:25Come on, man.

00:11:26What the fuck are you talking about, Kevin?

00:11:28Ain't nobody worried about your ass?

00:11:29Bullshit.

00:11:29Look at that guy's looking at me and he's got them glasses, man.

00:11:32I know somebody that thinks I'm dinner when I see it.

00:11:34They trying to eat me up in here.

00:11:36Making crazy accusations all over the fucking place.

00:11:39Losing my mind.

00:11:41Going crazy.

00:11:43You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer.

00:11:46It's a true story.

00:11:48True story.

00:11:49There was a time where if you wanted to come over my house and talk to me, you had to

00:11:52get naked and get in the fucking pool.

00:11:54How else would I know that you're not wearing a wire?

00:11:56Who you with?

00:11:57E?

00:11:57People?

00:11:58Who the fuck is you with?

00:12:00People here for a story for the tabloids?

00:12:01I don't trust you, Dad.

00:12:04I'm your father.

00:12:05Shut up, bitch.

00:12:07You been talking to, Dad.

00:12:09Get in the pool.

00:12:10Fetish this conversation in six feet.

00:12:13Switch that.

00:12:14Four.

00:12:14Go to four feet.

00:12:15I can't see.

00:12:15Go to four.

00:12:18This is where I am.

00:12:20This is where I am.

00:12:24My wife says the same things.

00:12:25Honey, you're getting old.

00:12:26You're getting angry.

00:12:27You're getting irritable.

00:12:28You need to get out and get back to yourself.

00:12:30You need to get back to your ways of old.

00:12:32You can't live like this.

00:12:34I decided to start doing stand-up again.

00:12:37I said, baby, you're right.

00:12:37I need to go and start doing fucking stand-up comedy again.

00:12:39That's how I get back to myself.

00:12:42That's how I get back to me.

00:12:45I told my friends.

00:12:47I told my friends I was going to start doing comedy again.

00:12:49They said, what you going to talk about, Kev?

00:12:50You going to talk about your wife and your kids again?

00:12:51I said, what else do I have?

00:12:54I don't have nothing else.

00:12:56All my bitches left after the sex tape.

00:12:58Every bitch I had left.

00:13:01Every one of them.

00:13:02Where you going, Lorraine?

00:13:03Gladys?

00:13:04Pearl?

00:13:06Where you going?

00:13:08These are older names because I had older bitches at the time.

00:13:13Get back here, Ethel.

00:13:14Come on, man.

00:13:15Don't do this to me.

00:13:17Magnus?

00:13:18Come on, please.

00:13:20Please don't do this.

00:13:23Loretta, you can't leave.

00:13:24Come on.

00:13:27What else do I have?

00:13:29I have to.

00:13:31Talking about my kids is a must, man.

00:13:34It's a must.

00:13:34They're part of my everyday life.

00:13:36I don't know what else to talk about outside of the things that I go through on a daily.

00:13:41My kids are with me on a daily.

00:13:44Two teenagers, one three-year-old, a baby that could be here any day now.

00:13:47Any day.

00:13:48Any fucking day now.

00:13:52About to throw these balls in the trash.

00:13:53I ain't having no more fucking babies.

00:13:56I'm going to roof these balls after this fucking baby coming.

00:13:58I'm going to take both balls, throw them on the fucking roof.

00:14:01You can kiss my ass.

00:14:02Take another child that's coming out of these fucking balls.

00:14:04I promise you that.

00:14:06You're a fucking liar.

00:14:07You say it's my baby.

00:14:08Balls in the trash after this baby.

00:14:12My daughter and I are closer than we've ever been, man.

00:14:14My daughter's boy crazy.

00:14:16Boy crazy.

00:14:18Once again, I got to act like I like it.

00:14:19I don't.

00:14:20But you got to act like you do.

00:14:22I love this.

00:14:23I love that in my specials, you get to see the growth of my fucking kids.

00:14:28You see their development.

00:14:30They're getting older, man.

00:14:31My daughter told me that she likes this boy named Matt to go to her school.

00:14:34Dad, I like this boy named Matt.

00:14:36Oh my God, he's so cute.

00:14:38He makes me laugh.

00:14:39I want him.

00:14:40What the fuck does that mean?

00:14:42What does that mean?

00:14:44I want him.

00:14:45What the fuck are you saying, little girl?

00:14:48Should I tell him?

00:14:49If that's how you feel, honey, tell him.

00:14:51My daughter goes to school.

00:14:52Tells the boy how she feels.

00:14:52She comes home.

00:14:53Dad, oh my God, guess what?

00:14:55Matt likes me back.

00:14:56We're a thing.

00:14:57Good for you, honey.

00:14:58That makes me happy.

00:14:59Do me a favor.

00:15:00Keep it in the kid's face though.

00:15:02Okay, Dad.

00:15:03She comes back home two days later.

00:15:05Dad, I don't like Matt no more.

00:15:06I like this boy named Rob now.

00:15:08He look better.

00:15:09He make me laugh more.

00:15:10That's who I really want.

00:15:12It happens, honey.

00:15:13Sometimes you think you like somebody, then you meet somebody else and you realize that's

00:15:16the person that you liked all along.

00:15:18It's called life.

00:15:20Make it happen.

00:15:21Make it happen.

00:15:21Move on.

00:15:21Be honest with the other person.

00:15:23All right, Dad.

00:15:23I love you.

00:15:24Keep it in the kid's face.

00:15:26A week goes by.

00:15:27Dad, I don't like Rob no more.

00:15:29I like this boy named Tim.

00:15:31Instantly, in my mind, I said, my daughter a hoe.

00:15:34This is hoe shit.

00:15:35This is hoe shit.

00:15:39Hoe activity right in front of my face.

00:15:42I immediately called the hoe that I knew from the past.

00:15:45Asked her if this is how it went down for her.

00:15:48Three boys back to back.

00:15:49She said, yup, the same way.

00:15:52Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom.

00:15:54What the fuck is happening?

00:15:56My baby plucking balls?

00:15:58I gotta save her.

00:16:00What I really gotta do is see these boys.

00:16:01Went to the school.

00:16:02I just wanted to see them.

00:16:03I wanted to see what they look like.

00:16:04I saw them.

00:16:06Saw Matt first.

00:16:07Gotta be honest.

00:16:08Charming little kid.

00:16:09Personality was out of this world.

00:16:10I see why she likes Matt.

00:16:12I see it.

00:16:13I get it.

00:16:14Charming little boy.

00:16:16I get it.

00:16:17Personality.

00:16:18Funny guy.

00:16:19I see why you like Matt.

00:16:21I get it.

00:16:22Then Rob walked in.

00:16:23Rob walked in.

00:16:25I didn't look at Matt again.

00:16:26I forgot all about Matt.

00:16:28Who the fuck is Matt?

00:16:30Rob had a different thing.

00:16:31Personality popped.

00:16:33Had a bunch of pizazz.

00:16:34Flair.

00:16:35Used his hands a lot when he talked.

00:16:38This kid's got something.

00:16:40I see why she don't like fucking Matt.

00:16:43Then Tim walked in.

00:16:44Tim had on leather pants.

00:16:47With some heelies.

00:16:48You know how confident you gotta be to wear leather pants in high school?

00:16:52He was a black kid with leather pants.

00:16:53There's no black kid that I've ever heard about that ever wear leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz.

00:16:57That's the only black man.

00:16:59And it's a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age.

00:17:02Tim had heelies on.

00:17:04Just slid through the fucking room.

00:17:06Jesus Christ, man.

00:17:08Cigarettes under his arms.

00:17:10I said, do you smoke?

00:17:10He said, it's just a look.

00:17:12As he was gliding by me.

00:17:13Fuck.

00:17:15These kids today are different.

00:17:17My son and my daughter, man, they're on two different pages.

00:17:19Shit makes me laugh.

00:17:20Always have been.

00:17:21Always have been.

00:17:22Two completely different pages.

00:17:24My son is...

00:17:25He's what you call...

00:17:26What do they call it today?

00:17:27What do the kids call it today?

00:17:28When the kids are...

00:17:29Dumb.

00:17:30There it is.

00:17:31I got it.

00:17:31Dumb.

00:17:33Struggling.

00:17:34Academically.

00:17:35I know you guys are like, don't call your kid dumb.

00:17:37Why not?

00:17:37It's mine.

00:17:39Chip off the old fucking block.

00:17:41It's not like I'm standing up here as a smart ass man.

00:17:43I was dumb as shit too.

00:17:44Worked out for fucking me.

00:17:46So far, dumb is the right way to go in my household.

00:17:49It's the right way to go.

00:17:52Then it pisses me off as the school constantly calls me

00:17:55to remind me of my son's educational problems.

00:18:00Mr. Hart, he failed another test.

00:18:02Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping.

00:18:04Want to discuss your son's grades.

00:18:06They continue to drop.

00:18:07I snapped on him.

00:18:07Don't fucking call me no more.

00:18:09Don't call me about his grades no more.

00:18:11Call him.

00:18:12Call him.

00:18:12That's his problem.

00:18:13It's not my fucking problem.

00:18:14Last I checked, I went to school.

00:18:16I passed.

00:18:16I'm successful.

00:18:18I'm not going to school again.

00:18:19He needs to fucking pass that class.

00:18:21Not me.

00:18:22Call him.

00:18:24Private schools, man.

00:18:25Private schools got this weird thing.

00:18:27I'm not that much of a fan of private schools.

00:18:29I'll be honest.

00:18:29I am not a fan of private schools at all.

00:18:33Yes, my kids attend private schools.

00:18:34Doesn't mean I'm a fan of it.

00:18:35I feel like private schools protect kids from reality.

00:18:39They protect you.

00:18:40They protect you from fucking reality.

00:18:44Private schools, private schools breed bitches.

00:18:47That's how I feel.

00:18:48I said it.

00:18:48I said it.

00:18:49I'm not taking it back.

00:18:50That's how I fucking feel.

00:18:51Private schools breed bitches.

00:18:55I'm in my fucking comfort zone.

00:18:56I'm going to let it fly today.

00:18:58Everything that I fucking feel, I'm going to say.

00:19:00You ever see a grown ass man get punched in the face that went to private school?

00:19:04He immediately looks for a teacher.

00:19:13He gives you five of these.

00:19:16I don't know why.

00:19:18Looking for somebody to tell him why.

00:19:19I don't know why.

00:19:21We got to have an arbitration.

00:19:23When's the meeting?

00:19:24Public schools.

00:19:25Now that's different.

00:19:26Public schools.

00:19:27You got no choice but to grow the fuck up.

00:19:29You got no choice but to grow up in public schools.

00:19:31It's a pot of fuck shit.

00:19:33They just throw you in it.

00:19:35They just throw you in it.

00:19:36Nobody prepares you for the shit that you're going to see.

00:19:39I saw my first white person in public school.

00:19:42I didn't know what the fuck it was.

00:19:45It was the only one there.

00:19:46What the fuck is that?

00:19:47Jesus Christ.

00:19:49I thought it was somebody from Star Wars.

00:19:50That's a storm trooper.

00:19:52It's a fucking storm trooper right there.

00:19:55Just a white person walking down the hall.

00:19:57I was making a noise.

00:19:59Just do, do, do, do, do.

00:20:02It's a fucking storm trooper.

00:20:04No?

00:20:05No, man.

00:20:05That's a white person.

00:20:06I ain't never known.

00:20:07They didn't tell me what it was.

00:20:09Public school throws you into a pot of fuck shit.

00:20:12Everything is there.

00:20:14White people, black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican.

00:20:18Fat, skinny, gay, straight, dirty, clean.

00:20:21It's all there.

00:20:23They just push you in.

00:20:24You gotta figure it out.

00:20:25Kids are scared.

00:20:31They run straight to the teacher.

00:20:33I'm scared.

00:20:34Hell, the teacher answered me too, bitch.

00:20:38Walk through the same metal detectors.

00:20:39You don't think I'm fucking scared?

00:20:42It's just you keep your back against the locker,

00:20:44keep your head on a swivel.

00:20:45What?

00:20:46Get you some mates.

00:20:47Put it in a plastic bottle like this.

00:20:48Gush it at them.

00:20:49That's what I do.

00:20:50Gush it.

00:20:52I don't feel like my kid's private school respects my level of celebrity.

00:20:58I don't.

00:20:59I really don't.

00:21:00I mean this.

00:21:01I swear to God, I'm not playing.

00:21:02I told you I'm gonna be very honest.

00:21:03It's my fucking household.

00:21:05I'm not holding back.

00:21:06They don't respect my level of celebrity.

00:21:10I'm a very humble guy.

00:21:14May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am.

00:21:17I'm a very humble guy.

00:21:19What's understood doesn't need to be said.

00:21:20You know who I am.

00:21:21And I know you know who the fuck I am.

00:21:23Don't make me say who I am.

00:21:25They put me in a position to have to say who I am.

00:21:29I go drop my kids off at the school.

00:21:31Teachers come running out, surround my car.

00:21:32Mr. Hart, we would love to talk to you for a second.

00:21:35The big fair is coming up.

00:21:38We do this fair once a year at the school.

00:21:40We would love it if you would be the greeter at this year's fair.

00:21:55I gave her a lot of time for her to say I'm bullshitting.

00:21:58She never said it.

00:22:00I said, are you fucking kidding me?

00:22:02No, Mr. Hart, it's our biggest fair.

00:22:04We would love it if you would be the greeter.

00:22:06We think you would make an amazing greeter at this year's fair.

00:22:10Now, before I go on with the rest of this joke,

00:22:12I want to make something perfectly clear.

00:22:13First things first, I have nothing against greeters.

00:22:17Okay?

00:22:17I don't want to tell this joke and walk outside my house

00:22:20and it's a group of y'all with signs up

00:22:21talking about cancel Kevin Hart because he don't respect greeters.

00:22:25Cancel Kevin Hart because he don't respect the greet.

00:22:28Greeters are amazing people.

00:22:30The job is actually required. I get it.

00:22:33I've actually been hit with some amazing greetings in my time.

00:22:37I went to Walmart.

00:22:38I got hit with a greeting so fucking fantastic one time.

00:22:41I don't even know where he came from.

00:22:42He just slid in my POV.

00:22:45I walked in. He was like, welcome to Walmart.

00:22:46You here to get you some stuff?

00:22:48What the fuck?

00:22:50Where did you come from, man?

00:22:53He's like, you better get you some stuff.

00:22:54We've rolling back prices.

00:22:56Then he moonwalked.

00:22:57Moonwalked out the way.

00:22:58I said, what the fuck just happened?

00:23:00What just happened here?

00:23:02I was so blown away by the greeting.

00:23:05Not only did I go get me some stuff,

00:23:07I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out.

00:23:11I want him to see my stuff.

00:23:12Hey!

00:23:14Come here, man.

00:23:15Hey!

00:23:16Come here, I want to show you my stuff.

00:23:19He came over, I opened my bag.

00:23:21He was like, ooh!

00:23:26He said, ooh!

00:23:29You got you some good stuff.

00:23:32Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt so people knew I didn't steal.

00:23:37He said, you got to make sure you come back and see me again.

00:23:39I said, are you going to be here?

00:23:40He said, if I'm not, who will?

00:23:42Moonwalked out the way again.

00:23:43I said, what the fuck?

00:23:45That's one of the best goddamn greetings I've ever seen, man.

00:23:49Of course I'm going to come back and see you again.

00:23:52I'm not shitting on greeters.

00:23:53I'm just saying I didn't have to go that route.

00:23:56I went around that to get to my success.

00:24:00You don't come to me and ask me to be the fucking greeter.

00:24:04I had the number one movie in the box office at the time.

00:24:07I was on the side of fucking buses.

00:24:11You don't ask me to be the greeter.

00:24:14There's other parents that got kids that go there that are former actors and actresses

00:24:18that you could fucking ask.

00:24:20Carlton from The First Prince.

00:24:22Alfonso?

00:24:23That's your greeter.

00:24:23This right here?

00:24:25That's what you want at the fucking front?

00:24:27That's your greeter.

00:24:29Terry Crews, he got kids that go there.

00:24:31That's your greeter.

00:24:32Peck popping at the front.

00:24:33Hey, hey, hey.

00:24:35Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:24:38Hey, hey, hey, welcome to the fair.

00:24:39Who want a ticket?

00:24:40Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:24:42What a combination.

00:24:43Parents would have went crazy.

00:24:44Whoa!

00:24:45What a school.

00:24:47I want tickets.

00:24:48I'm going to buy every ticket I can.

00:24:50Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:24:53Parents would be blown away.

00:24:54These greeters are amazing.

00:24:57My wife said what she normally says.

00:25:00Kevin, you need to calm down.

00:25:02You need to get yourself together, Kevin.

00:25:03You're getting older.

00:25:04You're getting more irritable.

00:25:05And you don't want that energy to rub off on your kids.

00:25:08It's not going to rub off on my goddamn kids.

00:25:10I know it's not going to rub off on my kids.

00:25:13You know, this pandemic actually gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids.

00:25:16A lot of fucking time with my kids.

00:25:18For the first time I realized, my kids are a little spoiled.

00:25:21They're a little spoiled.

00:25:22But it's not by choice.

00:25:23It's by circumstances.

00:25:25I have good kids.

00:25:26My kids are great fucking kids.

00:25:27I got to be honest, man.

00:25:28I got very lucky.

00:25:29I got great kids.

00:25:31But because of their circumstances, they're a little spoiled.

00:25:34For example, my kids have been flying private since they've been born.

00:25:37They didn't ask for that.

00:25:38They were born into that.

00:25:40They only traveled with me.

00:25:42The first time they traveled outside of me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife.

00:25:46Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma.

00:25:49My kids called me from the airport.

00:25:50You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad.

00:25:54I've never seen a higher level of panic in my fucking life.

00:25:58Called me from the airport.

00:26:00Dad!

00:26:02What's happening?

00:26:04My daughter was like, they're taking my lotions and my toothpaste.

00:26:07What am I supposed to do?

00:26:11They're making me walk through metal.

00:26:13My son snatched the phone.

00:26:14What the fuck is going on, Dad?

00:26:16They won't let me take my bags on the plane.

00:26:18They said I can't take my backpacks and my pulleys and my duffies.

00:26:22Saying I got to put my games underneath.

00:26:23Well, how am I going to play them, Dad?

00:26:27I told them both, relax.

00:26:29Stop it.

00:26:30Stop.

00:26:31Both of you.

00:26:34It's called security.

00:26:36It's called TSA.

00:26:38Okay?

00:26:39This is called life with your mother.

00:26:42All right?

00:26:42There's a difference.

00:26:45There's a drop off.

00:26:46It's all right.

00:26:47Things change.

00:26:49It's okay.

00:26:52You'll both be fine.

00:26:54I overlook some of the things that I do because I never thought twice about them.

00:26:58Me and my kids go to the amusement park.

00:26:59We do the whole park.

00:27:00The whole fucking park, man.

00:27:0230, 40 minutes.

00:27:04How?

00:27:04Well, I call ahead.

00:27:06There's a concierge they assigned to me.

00:27:08I get to the park.

00:27:09The concierge walks me and my family up to the front of every single ride.

00:27:12I've done it for years.

00:27:14Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, listen, this is earned.

00:27:17It's not given.

00:27:18This doesn't just happen.

00:27:20Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these fucking lines.

00:27:25There's rules that go with this.

00:27:26You don't just walk to the front of the line.

00:27:27Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, you do not make eye contact with

00:27:33none of these fucking people in this line.

00:27:34You hear me?

00:27:36You keep your eyes straight ahead and you don't fucking look left or right until we get to the front

00:27:42of the line.

00:27:44These people are going to say things.

00:27:45They're going to say a lot of mean things about me, you.

00:27:48You just ignore them.

00:27:50Fucking ignore them because guess what?

00:27:52When we're in our car, we're headed home, we're never going to see these people again.

00:27:56You know where these people are going to be?

00:27:57They're still going to be in that fucking line to be honest with you.

00:28:00They're still going to be in the fucking line.

00:28:03And that's reality.

00:28:06My kids processed that.

00:28:08They understood it.

00:28:09For years.

00:28:10This is how we operated.

00:28:12They called me from the amusement park.

00:28:14They were with their cousins.

00:28:16They FaceTimed me.

00:28:17I answered a FaceTime.

00:28:18I could tell.

00:28:20I could tell that they were weak, malnourished.

00:28:22They haven't eaten in hours.

00:28:23I could tell.

00:28:24They had the white shit in the corner of their mouths.

00:28:27They could barely stand.

00:28:29Ah.

00:28:31Ah.

00:28:31Ah.

00:28:34Dad.

00:28:36We've been in line for hours.

00:28:38We haven't rode anything.

00:28:41We got the fast pass, but it's not fast at all.

00:28:48Can you call somebody?

00:28:49Can you do something?

00:28:51Who you with?

00:28:51Who are you with?

00:28:53Our cousins.

00:28:54Is your mother there?

00:28:55Yes.

00:28:56Put your mom on the phone.

00:28:56Let me talk to your mom.

00:28:57Get your mom on the phone.

00:28:58She said, hey, what's up, Kev?

00:28:59Hey.

00:29:01Checkmate, bitch.

00:29:02I hunger the phone.

00:29:03Bam.

00:29:04Let's quit.

00:29:08I haven't went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet.

00:29:10I just want to let you guys know.

00:29:12These jokes are going to come with a price tag attached to them.

00:29:15I know they are.

00:29:16Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something.

00:29:19Something's got to happen.

00:29:20She's a good fucking joke.

00:29:22Those are two good jokes.

00:29:23I can't get rid of them.

00:29:25I thought about those jokes for a long time.

00:29:28I was like, I got to let them fly.

00:29:30It's worth the consequence.

00:29:32See if I can send her a couple text messages after this tape and see how she feels.

00:29:39My wife says the same thing all the time.

00:29:41Once again, Kevin, you're getting older.

00:29:43Getting angry.

00:29:44Irritable.

00:29:45I'm here to tell you I am getting older.

00:29:4741 now, God.

00:29:49No, right?

00:29:52Where does time go?

00:29:54I was just 22 years old, man.

00:29:56You do not realize how fast time flies.

00:29:59When you look back at all those comedy specials on the wall, that's a timeline of my fucking life.

00:30:03That's damn near 16 years of comedy, man.

00:30:0616 fucking years of comedy.

00:30:08Like, it's insane.

00:30:1141.

00:30:12What happened?

00:30:14Shit changes at the age of 40.

00:30:16You hear about it, but you don't believe it.

00:30:17Things do change.

00:30:18I'm here to tell you shit does change.

00:30:22Biggest change for me after the age of 40, my balls dropped.

00:30:25I got some length.

00:30:26Got some fucking length on my balls.

00:30:28I didn't ask for it.

00:30:30It just happened.

00:30:30I didn't even know.

00:30:31I was in the kitchen.

00:30:32Bent over to pick something up.

00:30:33My wife was like, why you got dice in your back pocket?

00:30:35I ain't got no fucking dice in my back pocket.

00:30:38Touched my back pocket.

00:30:39Oh, that's my balls.

00:30:40Goddamn, I got them.

00:30:40That's my fucking balls.

00:30:42How did my balls get in my back pocket?

00:30:44What the fuck just happened to me?

00:30:46How long was I sleep?

00:30:49You stretched me out while I was asleep.

00:30:54The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man.

00:30:57I am okay.

00:31:00I'm very serious, man.

00:31:01I am okay.

00:31:01I don't need to do much.

00:31:03I love being in the fucking house.

00:31:06I actually built the house.

00:31:08I thought me and my wife built the house because that's where we wanted to stay.

00:31:10We wanted to stay in this fucking house.

00:31:13Let's build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it.

00:31:17Women got a problem with doing this thing called sitting the fuck down.

00:31:20It's very difficult for women to sit the fuck down.

00:31:27Sit the fuck down.

00:31:30It's a task for women.

00:31:32A woman's favorite line, let's go do some stuff.

00:31:35What stuff?

00:31:36What stuff?

00:31:36Mm-mm.

00:31:37Something.

00:31:38What the fuck are you saying?

00:31:40Something.

00:31:43A bunch of men.

00:31:44That's a bunch of men rejoicing.

00:31:46Yeah, yeah.

00:31:48Something.

00:31:49I don't know.

00:31:50Something.

00:31:52You know what my wife's biggest problem is?

00:31:54Chasing her past.

00:31:56Trying to redo what she did when she was younger.

00:31:58Ladies, I'm here to give you a personal message.

00:32:00It's okay to get old.

00:32:01There's nothing wrong with getting old.

00:32:05There's nothing wrong with it.

00:32:07Stop fighting old age.

00:32:10The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize all the dope shit that you

00:32:14overcame and that you did when you were younger.

00:32:17That's dope.

00:32:18Stop trying to run from that.

00:32:21Stop trying to redo that.

00:32:23It's over.

00:32:25It's fucking over.

00:32:27She told me the other day, she was like, babe, we should go out tonight.

00:32:29We should get fucked up.

00:32:32I said, absolutely not.

00:32:34No.

00:32:35Why would I do that?

00:32:36No.

00:32:37It hurts.

00:32:38It fucking hurts now.

00:32:40Take a shot.

00:32:40It gets stuck in my chest for three to five fucking minutes.

00:32:43My left side shut down.

00:32:45I get to shaking and shit.

00:32:47I got a fart or shit.

00:32:49I don't know.

00:32:49It's one of them.

00:32:50Something's happening.

00:32:51Making dumb ass faces.

00:32:53I described this to my wife in great detail.

00:32:56You know what her answer was?

00:32:58You don't never want to have fun with me.

00:33:01Bitch, I just described a stroke to you.

00:33:04That's a stroke.

00:33:06That's a legal stroke.

00:33:07I'm shutting down.

00:33:09You don't want to have fun with me.

00:33:11You don't never want to do stuff.

00:33:15After the age of 40, you know what, man?

00:33:16You lose a high level of care.

00:33:19I don't really give a fuck.

00:33:21Like my wife want to go out.

00:33:22I don't.

00:33:22You go, honey.

00:33:23I don't give a fuck.

00:33:24I'm serious.

00:33:25I don't give a fuck what you do.

00:33:27That's not in the malicious or angry way.

00:33:29I'm serious.

00:33:29I don't give a fuck.

00:33:30Go.

00:33:31Have a good time.

00:33:32Go.

00:33:33Ladies, you don't know how to not give a fuck.

00:33:36That's your problem.

00:33:37If you guys can match a man's not give a fuck energy, oh my God, the world would be a

00:33:42better place.

00:33:43It would be a better place, but you don't know how to not give a fuck.

00:33:47You're always searching for a fuck because you just, you can't, you don't process it.

00:33:52You can't figure it out.

00:33:54I'm going to tell you a problem, ladies, and I want you to listen closely.

00:33:58Here's what makes a woman really mad.

00:34:00You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give

00:34:07him.

00:34:08I'm going to say it again.

00:34:11Ladies, you get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give

00:34:19him.

00:34:20Hence why you're always searching for a give a fuck.

00:34:25Because on the other side, you're like, I would give a fuck.

00:34:29So you should give a fuck.

00:34:31That's why you search for give a fuck.

00:34:34My wife constantly searched for them.

00:34:37She wants to go out, go out.

00:34:38She can't just leave.

00:34:40All right, babe.

00:34:41I'm going out.

00:34:41Cool.

00:34:44Me and the girls.

00:34:45Got it.

00:34:48We probably getting fucked up tonight.

00:34:50Do you?

00:34:53I don't know what time we coming back.

00:34:55I'll be sleepy the way.

00:34:56It's fine.

00:34:58Searching for give a fucks.

00:34:59There aren't no give a fucks.

00:35:01Go.

00:35:02I'm excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button.

00:35:06I don't give a fuck.

00:35:07Go.

00:35:10They can't do it.

00:35:13Hence you want the same for men.

00:35:14You don't understand.

00:35:16First and foremost, stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you.

00:35:19If a man goes out and he's over 40 years old, I'm here to tell you there is no plan

00:35:23attached to that.

00:35:25There is no fucking agenda.

00:35:27There's no schedule.

00:35:28Stop asking questions because we don't have the answers.

00:35:31Granted, I know some insecurities are bought on because of men and the things they did in the past.

00:35:35I'm guilty of it.

00:35:37But after the age 40, it goes away.

00:35:39It goes away.

00:35:40We don't give a fuck about shit.

00:35:41We don't care.

00:35:43Stop looking for shit.

00:35:45I told her the one time I said I was going out.

00:35:48Babe, I'm going out.

00:35:49Where you going?

00:35:50I don't even know yet.

00:35:52Who going with you?

00:35:53Whoever come, I guess.

00:35:54I don't know.

00:35:57What y'all going to do?

00:35:58I'm trying to figure it out now.

00:35:59I don't know what we're doing.

00:36:01Y'all going to eat?

00:36:02I hope so.

00:36:02I'm hungry.

00:36:03I haven't eaten.

00:36:04What time are you getting back?

00:36:06Whatever time we done.

00:36:07What the fuck is going on here?

00:36:09Am I getting graded?

00:36:10What is this?

00:36:10I don't have the answers.

00:36:12I'm failing miserably.

00:36:13Stop asking me questions.

00:36:15I can't fucking deal with it.

00:36:18There's a high level of insecurity sometimes.

00:36:20It's not worth you having, ladies.

00:36:23We got into an argument one time.

00:36:25Got into a fucking argument.

00:36:27Two reasons.

00:36:28First of all, she asked me this big question.

00:36:30I had to explain to her that I didn't know.

00:36:31Tell you another secret, ladies.

00:36:32After men say we going out, we actually meet in a parking lot.

00:36:37And try to figure out what the fuck we doing.

00:36:38We actually have another meeting ourselves.

00:36:41So what's the plan?

00:36:41I don't know.

00:36:42I thought you had it.

00:36:42I didn't have it.

00:36:43I thought you did it.

00:36:44Nobody got a fucking plan?

00:36:45Well, I'm out.

00:36:46I'm not going to stay here and do this shit.

00:36:47I go home and go to sleep.

00:36:48I got back home early.

00:36:50You back home early because you was probably with a bitch.

00:36:52No, I wasn't.

00:36:54I was in the parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes.

00:36:57Talking about absolutely nothing, which is why I came home.

00:37:02I don't like fucking arguing.

00:37:05I'm at an age where I don't argue.

00:37:06I just leave.

00:37:07That's my new move.

00:37:08Ah, you can argue with yourself.

00:37:09I'll be back.

00:37:11I'll be back.

00:37:12Hopefully when I come back, you don't got no energy.

00:37:15That's my fucking move.

00:37:16We was arguing in the morning.

00:37:17I left.

00:37:18It was 7 a.m.

00:37:18She called me.

00:37:19I'm in the car.

00:37:20She was like, you're probably getting your dick sucked.

00:37:23At 7 a.m.?

00:37:25What bitch is that ambitious that's out here at 7 a.m.?

00:37:30Sucking dick.

00:37:31What type of day walker do you think I'm dealing with?

00:37:33Jesus Christ.

00:37:35A 7 a.m. dick sucker on the loose that's got you worried?

00:37:39What are you fucking reading?

00:37:40What's the blog that told y'all to worry about the dick sucker at 7 a.m.?

00:37:45Watch him in, ladies.

00:37:48It's a 7 a.m. dick sucker on the prowl.

00:37:51Thanks, girl.

00:37:54I saw it on my...

00:37:55I saw it on my security camera outside looking for dicks.

00:38:01Came down.

00:38:04I saw it looking for dicks on my security camera.

00:38:07Somewhere out there looking for dicks.

00:38:11Shit that I deal with is unreal.

00:38:15All my wife's insecurities dropped down after she read my group chat.

00:38:19Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room,

00:38:22I challenge you to go through his phone and read his group chat.

00:38:25Do it.

00:38:27Over 40?

00:38:28You should do it.

00:38:29Under 40?

00:38:31I don't recommend it.

00:38:32You're gambling.

00:38:33You're fucking gambling.

00:38:3540 and above?

00:38:36Go. Read it.

00:38:38You will never read a more inconsistent and unfocused conversation in your life.

00:38:43All my group chat conversations start off the same.

00:38:46They all start off great.

00:38:49Yo!

00:38:51You see that picture of Rihanna's ass?

00:38:54Goddamn!

00:38:54Shit!

00:38:55Fuck!

00:38:56I saw it.

00:38:59Random question flies in the chat.

00:39:00Hey man, if you run out of butter, what else can I put in a pan?

00:39:03What?

00:39:06I ain't got no butter, man.

00:39:08What else can I use?

00:39:09How the fuck you run out of butter?

00:39:10I don't know, but it's gone.

00:39:12Another statement flies in.

00:39:14I can't even eat butter.

00:39:15That shit make my gout act up.

00:39:17Gout?

00:39:18When you get gout?

00:39:19I been had gout.

00:39:20I didn't know you had gout.

00:39:22I told y'all I had gout.

00:39:24Another statement flies in the chat.

00:39:26What the fuck is gout?

00:39:29A picture from WebMD hit the chat.

00:39:32Bow!

00:39:33Description of gout and what the fuck it can do.

00:39:35Goddamn!

00:39:36You got that?

00:39:38Then the chat goes silent for five days.

00:39:40Don't nobody say shit.

00:39:43Forty and up, the chat just died.

00:39:45Nobody ends it.

00:39:47Day six, they pick up right where they left off.

00:39:50What else make your gout act up?

00:39:54My friend Joey don't know how to use emojis.

00:39:58That's how she thought she had something one time.

00:40:00You know, Joey's the older one.

00:40:01Joey's the one with gout.

00:40:04We tease him all the time.

00:40:05You gout having bitch.

00:40:07We just tease him.

00:40:08He was getting mad in the chat.

00:40:09Fuck y'all.

00:40:10Todd, y'all teasing me all the time.

00:40:11Y'all just mad because I'm doing the right thing with my life.

00:40:13I'm getting healthy.

00:40:15As a matter of fact, I'm about to go get me a bunch of these right now.

00:40:17He put five A plants back to back.

00:40:21Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash.

00:40:25I said, what the fuck are you talking about, Joey?

00:40:28What are you talking about right now?

00:40:30You just said you about to go take five dicks to the face and get them off.

00:40:35That's what you just said.

00:40:37No, I didn't.

00:40:37I didn't say that.

00:40:38Yes, you did.

00:40:40Five A plants tongue splash.

00:40:42You said you take me to the face.

00:40:44Finishing them off.

00:40:45That's what you just said.

00:40:51Fucking Joey.

00:40:53Older you get, the more direct and honest you get.

00:40:56Me and my wife had a very direct and honest space in our relationship.

00:41:02Very honest.

00:41:03Very honest, man.

00:41:05My wife told me the other day, she said, honey, your sex is no longer what it used to be.

00:41:09To my fucking face.

00:41:12Ain't this a bitch?

00:41:14We in my home.

00:41:14I got no problem being honest with y'all.

00:41:16To my fucking face.

00:41:19Told me my sex is falling off.

00:41:22Know what my response was?

00:41:24Happens.

00:41:25That's what I said.

00:41:27Happens.

00:41:29I don't give a shit.

00:41:31Fucking 41.

00:41:31I don't got time to be fucking all day.

00:41:33I'm tired.

00:41:34I'm tired.

00:41:36I don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick.

00:41:39I said it.

00:41:39That's how I feel.

00:41:41That's how I fucking feel.

00:41:42I'm not taking it back.

00:41:43I said it.

00:41:46I don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick.

00:41:50I told you you gotta pick one.

00:41:51You want this life or good dick.

00:41:52You're not getting both.

00:41:53I'm not gonna do both.

00:41:55I'm not giving you both.

00:41:57Pick one.

00:41:58When I had good dick, I was broke.

00:42:00I had nothing.

00:42:03I was out here fucking for transportation when I had good dick.

00:42:07Fucking for tokens.

00:42:09Sick of walking.

00:42:10I need to put down some good dick.

00:42:12Get in somebody's car around here.

00:42:14It was cold in Philadelphia.

00:42:16You don't know my life.

00:42:17Stop judging me.

00:42:21But because you're married, you gotta fucking compromise.

00:42:25Gotta meet you halfway.

00:42:27I told her.

00:42:27I said, you know what?

00:42:28You feel like I need to do better sexually?

00:42:30Pick a date.

00:42:32Pick a date.

00:42:33On that date, I'm required to give out some good dick.

00:42:37You pick a date.

00:42:39On that date, I'm required to give out some good dick.

00:42:44She picked the eighth of every month.

00:42:47All right.

00:42:49You better buckle the fuck up.

00:42:53I'm about to drop some dick on your ass like you never had.

00:42:58To thump your ass right now.

00:43:00That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

00:43:02It's all fun and games until the week of.

00:43:05You get nervous and shit, man.

00:43:09My friend saw it in my face.

00:43:10You good?

00:43:11No, I ain't good.

00:43:11I gotta fuck in five days, man.

00:43:14I gotta fuck on the eighth.

00:43:15I was out here drinking pineapple juice, eating celery.

00:43:18I don't know what the fuck was happening to me.

00:43:22Sweating.

00:43:22Damn, man.

00:43:23I got fucking three days.

00:43:24Countdown.

00:43:25Felt like I had the NBA finals coming up with some shit.

00:43:28I was icing my legs.

00:43:30I didn't know what was happening.

00:43:32The eighth came up.

00:43:33I did a good job.

00:43:35Gave out a batch of some good dick.

00:43:37Thank you for the applause.

00:43:38I appreciate it.

00:43:39Very sad that you felt like you had to clap there, but I'll take it.

00:43:43Thank God, Kevin.

00:43:44Jesus.

00:43:46My honesty backfired over there.

00:43:48Ooh!

00:43:51Gave out some good dick on the eighth.

00:43:54In true woman fashion, on the ninth, she tried to get some more.

00:44:00It's not our agreement.

00:44:01That's not the deal we made.

00:44:03I said one date.

00:44:05Every other date could be trashy dick or not.

00:44:07You don't fucking expect the same thing.

00:44:09Again.

00:44:11After my fucking bedtime.

00:44:12She come in 8.30 p.m.

00:44:14Drunk as shit.

00:44:15It's late.

00:44:18Trying to wake me up.

00:44:20Trying to get some dick.

00:44:23Trying to get some more of that eighth dick.

00:44:25That's what she said.

00:44:29I want some more of that eighth dick.

00:44:31Let me get some of that eighth dick.

00:44:34I snapped.

00:44:34Get the fuck off of me.

00:44:35Get your hands off of me.

00:44:37Come here this late at night.

00:44:38Waking me up.

00:44:39Waking the dog up.

00:44:41Older you get.

00:44:42You care more about the animals than anything else.

00:44:45You know the dog ain't had a good night's sleep.

00:44:47In the last two weeks you come here all loud.

00:44:50Pissed off.

00:44:50I'm very pissed off right now.

00:44:52Me and the dog went downstairs.

00:44:53Slept.

00:44:55Slept in the guest fuck room.

00:44:55I'm not going to steal with you.

00:44:56You know this is selfishness.

00:44:58Because you want some more of that eighth dick.

00:45:00You just lost a month.

00:45:02That's what you just did.

00:45:04Took the next eighth off the contract.

00:45:06That's what I did.

00:45:09You know what makes me laugh?

00:45:11Hearing other people talk about sex.

00:45:13That's enough for me.

00:45:15Hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest shit in the world.

00:45:19Funniest people to listen to talk about sex are my nephews.

00:45:22My nephews are 21, 22 years old.

00:45:24It's the funniest shit that you will ever hear man.

00:45:28It's the funniest shit you'll ever hear.

00:45:29But they don't offer the information.

00:45:31You got to bait it out of them.

00:45:33You got to set a trap.

00:45:34See if they fall for it.

00:45:36I set the trap.

00:45:37They fall in it every time.

00:45:38I just come in the room hot.

00:45:39Y'all ain't fucking yet.

00:45:42They take the bait every time.

00:45:43Who ain't fucking?

00:45:47Every time.

00:45:47Who ain't fucking?

00:45:49I know you ain't saying me.

00:45:51I know you ain't saying I ain't fucking.

00:45:53I'm fucking.

00:45:55I know you ain't saying me.

00:45:57Go ahead, huh?

00:45:58You ain't fucking bitch.

00:46:00I know your young ass ain't fucking.

00:46:03I'm fucking, huh?

00:46:04What you doing?

00:46:04Tell me what you doing there.

00:46:05No, I ain't telling you.

00:46:06Because if I tell you, you're going to try to put it in one of your little comedy shows.

00:46:09I ain't fucking talking about you.

00:46:11Shut up.

00:46:12The hell I'm going to put you in my comedy show for?

00:46:14I got jokes.

00:46:14I don't need you.

00:46:16What you doing?

00:46:16Give me the nastiest thing that you've done.

00:46:19No judging?

00:46:20No judging.

00:46:21What the fuck I'm going to judge you for?

00:46:23All right.

00:46:26Nastiest thing I've done.

00:46:28I went to the movies with this girl.

00:46:31We go to the movies.

00:46:32She tell me, get a large bucket of popcorn.

00:46:35I get the bucket of popcorn.

00:46:36I sit down.

00:46:37She cut a hole in the bottom.

00:46:38Told me to put my dick through the hole.

00:46:40She gave me a butter beat off.

00:46:41I said, what the fuck?

00:46:45Listen.

00:46:45I caught myself.

00:46:46I had to act like I knew what it was.

00:46:48Aha!

00:46:50Ah!

00:46:52A butter beat off!

00:46:55I know that's right.

00:46:58A butter beat off.

00:47:02You know you're older because you ask the wrong questions.

00:47:05What the fuck y'all get a large for?

00:47:07Why you waste all that popcorn?

00:47:08You just got the small.

00:47:10It's a $12, $14 difference, ain't it?

00:47:12Why you get that?

00:47:14That butter don't get in your hole?

00:47:29I ran home and told my wife.

00:47:31You ain't gonna believe this shit.

00:47:33I was talking to Terrence.

00:47:34Terrence told me these kids out here are giving each other butter beat offs.

00:47:38She said, they still doing that?

00:47:39I said, what the fuck is happening here?

00:47:43Who are you?

00:47:46I don't even want to know no more.

00:47:47You just stop right there.

00:47:49My kids better not be doing it.

00:47:50I know that much.

00:47:52If I find out my kids do not have a goddamn fit.

00:47:55You can't just come out and ask your kids though.

00:47:57You gotta, once again, gotta set the trap.

00:47:59See if they step in it.

00:48:00We had dinner.

00:48:01Eating a good dinner at the house.

00:48:03Nice dinner.

00:48:05I throw the question out to my wife.

00:48:06Babe, we should go to the movies.

00:48:08Maybe you can give me a butter beat off.

00:48:10I look right at my fucking door.

00:48:11Right at my door.

00:48:14Staring at her ass.

00:48:16She didn't bud.

00:48:17She was cool as a fan.

00:48:18Eating the food and shit.

00:48:19I've never been more proud as a father.

00:48:21Thank you, God.

00:48:22Thank you, God.

00:48:23She don't even know what the fuck it is.

00:48:25Thank you, God.

00:48:26Turn this way.

00:48:27My son was like, oh yeah.

00:48:31He said, yeah.

00:48:34You better get the large, Dad.

00:48:37You don't want that butter in the hole.

00:48:38You'll catch the vid.

00:48:40Again.

00:48:41You don't want it twice.

00:48:45You don't want back to back cases of the vid, Dad.

00:48:51My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date.

00:48:54Took her to a dinner party.

00:48:56I'm not a name dropper, but this joke doesn't make sense unless I drop the name.

00:49:01I went to Seinfeld's house for a dinner party.

00:49:04Some of the best food I've ever had.

00:49:06Food was fucking amazing, man.

00:49:07At the end of the dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out.

00:49:10He was like, nobody go anywhere.

00:49:13You guys are in for a treat.

00:49:15Tonight, we're gonna have some brick oven pizza.

00:49:20Everybody went crazy in the party.

00:49:21What?

00:49:22Oh my God.

00:49:23Brick oven pizza.

00:49:25What?

00:49:28One lady was like, how many cheeses, Jerry?

00:49:33Jerry was like, seven different cheeses.

00:49:35Seven different cheeses.

00:49:39People went crazy.

00:49:40By the way, all these people were white.

00:49:42These are all fucking white people.

00:49:44They start chanting, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

00:49:48What the fuck is bop, man?

00:49:50Bop, bop, bop.

00:49:51What the fuck is bop?

00:49:54White woman leaned over the table.

00:49:55She was like, it's short for brick oven pizza.

00:49:58Oh, shit.

00:50:00Oh, shit.

00:50:02Oh, okay.

00:50:03I get it.

00:50:05Seinfeld had some Italian men walk out.

00:50:07They had pizza-like garb on.

00:50:09They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit.

00:50:14I don't know Italian.

00:50:18It just dawned on me, actually, as I told that joke.

00:50:20What I'm doing is racist right now.

00:50:22I apologize.

00:50:23John, Jimmy, John, John, John, John.

00:50:27People were eating the fucking pizza going crazy.

00:50:30Oh, my God.

00:50:30I tasted cheeses, Jerry.

00:50:33I tasted cheeses.

00:50:36They bought me my piece of pizza.

00:50:37I took a bite.

00:50:38I couldn't fucking believe it.

00:50:40Best pizza I've ever had in my life.

00:50:42Best fucking pizza I've ever had.

00:50:44Had some type of lettuce on it.

00:50:45I've never tasted this shit.

00:50:47Took my white, baby.

00:50:48It's got some type of lettuce on it.

00:50:49Wait till you taste the lettuce.

00:50:50This white woman.

00:50:51She leaned over again.

00:50:52She was like, it's arugula.

00:50:54What?

00:50:55It's arugula.

00:50:57Oh, shit.

00:50:59I took another bite.

00:51:00I got caught up.

00:51:01Bop, bop, bop.

00:51:03Bop, bop.

00:51:06What an amazing night.

00:51:08It's a fucking amazing night.

00:51:09Start to finish, man.

00:51:11In the car, I was pissed.

00:51:14I was pissed.

00:51:15You know why I was pissed?

00:51:16Because I wanted what Seinfeld had.

00:51:18I wanted that fucking moment, man.

00:51:21Seinfeld was known as the brick oven pizza guy.

00:51:24He was known for something else outside of his fucking fame.

00:51:27I wanted that.

00:51:29What really pissed me off was that the same people that built Seinfeld's house built my house.

00:51:33Not once was I offered the option of getting a brick pizza oven at my goddamn house.

00:51:38This was racism at the highest level.

00:51:42It's fucking racist.

00:51:43The next morning comes, I call the contractors.

00:51:46I come in hot.

00:51:47You racist fucks.

00:51:50For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a brick pizza oven and not even bringing it up

00:51:55to me shows just how racist you are.

00:51:57You better make it right or else this problem's gonna get worse for you.

00:52:00I hang up the phone.

00:52:02They call right back.

00:52:03Mr. Hart, what are you talking about?

00:52:04You know what I'm talking about, bitch.

00:52:06Black Lives Matter.

00:52:07I hung up again.

00:52:11Within a day, they were at my house.

00:52:13I had a blueprint of what my brick pizza oven can look like.

00:52:15Within a week, I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my fucking house.

00:52:20Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had.

00:52:22I invited all my friends over.

00:52:24I'm gonna have dinner parties just like Seinfeld did.

00:52:26All my friends are eating dinner. They finish.

00:52:28I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did.

00:52:33All right.

00:52:41Nobody go anywhere.

00:52:44Because you guys are in for a treat tonight.

00:52:47We're gonna have some brick oven pizza tonight.

00:52:50You heard murmurs around the room.

00:52:53What the fuck is he talking about? I ain't eating no pizza off no brick.

00:52:56Everybody at my party is black. These are all black people.

00:52:59You better order Domino's. I'm not eating that shit.

00:53:04I said, now I know what you're thinking.

00:53:08How many cheeses?

00:53:12Seven different cheeses.

00:53:16More murmurs.

00:53:17I'm lactose intolerant. I'm not eating all that fucking cheese.

00:53:20Everybody know you don't put that much cheese on nothing but macaroni, man.

00:53:23I'm not gonna fucking eat that. What's this problem?

00:53:25I said, everybody get up. Let's go outside.

00:53:27Because that's what a brick oven pizza is.

00:53:30More murmurs. It's cold as shit outside. I'm not going outside.

00:53:33Black people got a response for every fucking thing.

00:53:35I'm not gonna do that. I'm not going outside.

00:53:38I said, now come on, everybody. Say it with me.

00:53:41Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

00:53:45My friend Jamal stood up in the back.

00:53:46Oh!

00:53:48If you got some bop outside, I'm going.

00:53:51Naeem said, what the fuck is bop?

00:53:53He said, man, he got some big ol' pussy out there. I'm gone.

00:53:56I said, no, Jamal. Ain't no big ol' pussy out there.

00:53:59Yes, it is. That's what bop is. No, it's not. Yes, it is.

00:54:02I was with you. We was in Atlanta.

00:54:04That big bitch said, you wanna see my bop?

00:54:06We said, what's that? She was like, big ol' pussy. Big ol' pussy.

00:54:09And me and you start tipping her. Yeah.

00:54:11I ain't got no ones, but I wanna see it again.

00:54:15Everybody left.

00:54:17I never got my moment.

00:54:20I did not get my moment.

00:54:23Keep in mind, I wanted that.

00:54:24I wanted to be known for something else outside my fucking fame, man.

00:54:27I wanted to be known as Kevin Hart, the brick oven pizza guy.

00:54:30And the moment was gone.

00:54:32Had to find a new hobby.

00:54:35Search hard for a new hobby, too.

00:54:37I was road biking for a minute.

00:54:39Getting miles in on the bike.

00:54:41I stopped, though.

00:54:43I stopped. The reason why I stopped,

00:54:44I didn't like the way my dick looked in the outfit.

00:54:46True story.

00:54:47True story. Looked like I had a clit.

00:54:48I didn't like it.

00:54:50Between that and the long balls,

00:54:52it was a bad combination.

00:54:53Shit just didn't look right.

00:54:55You know, when you stop at a light,

00:54:56you gotta click out.

00:54:59You gotta snap out.

00:55:02Cars were slowing down.

00:55:04What the fuck you slowing down for, man?

00:55:05Get out of here. Stop looking.

00:55:07This lady slowed down.

00:55:08It was 7 a.m.

00:55:09I said, you better get the fuck out of here.

00:55:10I know what you want.

00:55:12Daywalker, get your ass out of here.

00:55:14Ain't no dicks out here for you, lady.

00:55:16Get out of here, Daywalker.

00:55:18Get out of here.

00:55:20I started boxing.

00:55:22Boxing became a hobby.

00:55:24The reason why I started boxing,

00:55:25because I felt like it was something I could get better at every day.

00:55:28Every day I can get good.

00:55:30It's me against me.

00:55:32When I found a trainer, man,

00:55:33guy had amazing talent underneath his belt.

00:55:36Golden glove fighters.

00:55:38Junior Olympics.

00:55:39I mean, there was so much.

00:55:40Lightweight champions.

00:55:42I said, look, I know you're not working now, man,

00:55:43but I'll pay you good money to train me.

00:55:45He said, Kevin, if you take me on, I'll make you the best fighter there was.

00:55:48I said, well, that's too much.

00:55:50I don't want that.

00:55:51I just want to get good.

00:55:53He said, done.

00:55:54He became my trainer.

00:55:56Gotta be honest with you.

00:55:56He was fucking good.

00:55:58Made me good.

00:56:00Told me shit I thought I would never hear.

00:56:02Compared me to boxers that I've never heard of,

00:56:04but it still was a compliment.

00:56:06Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl.

00:56:10He said, Kevin, do you know who that is?

00:56:11I said, no, I do not.

00:56:13He said, I'm going to bring you a tape.

00:56:15You got a VCR?

00:56:17No.

00:56:17No, I do not.

00:56:19The thing that made me laugh,

00:56:20when I told him I didn't have a VCR,

00:56:21he was like, ah.

00:56:24Like I was in the wrong year.

00:56:26I can't believe you don't have a VCR.

00:56:28Goddamn.

00:56:29Why do you still have a VCR, sir?

00:56:32Told me that I had one of the best jabs you've ever seen.

00:56:34He said, Kevin, your jab reminds me of lightning coming from your shoulders.

00:56:39Lightning coming from your fucking shoulders.

00:56:41He said, Kevin, you ever thought about fighting?

00:56:43I said, no.

00:56:44He said, what about sparring?

00:56:45I said, no, but I would.

00:56:46That's all I need to hear.

00:56:47Tomorrow, 6 a.m., I'm going to set you up.

00:56:50You need to see how good you are.

00:56:536 a.m., I come to the gym,

00:56:55he got a guy in there my height, my build.

00:56:57Got my headgear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece.

00:57:01Puts it all on me.

00:57:02Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and all on my headgear.

00:57:05I said, what's this for?

00:57:06He said, so the punches slide off.

00:57:12We never talked, okay, well, we didn't discuss that, but all right.

00:57:17Okay, all right, if that's what it's going to do, then that's what it's going to do.

00:57:19He gets done putting Vaseline on my face, he walks out the ring.

00:57:22I said, wait, you didn't do him yet.

00:57:23He said, he's okay, he don't need it.

00:57:27Huh, all right.

00:57:29That's weird.

00:57:30Okay, whatever.

00:57:32I'm going to go with the flow.

00:57:34He said, guys, we're going to do three three-minute rounds.

00:57:36Nobody's here to hurt anybody.

00:57:38Let's have a good time.

00:57:39Keep it loose.

00:57:40He yells out, take it easy on him.

00:57:42I assume he's talking to me.

00:57:44He's got to be talking to me.

00:57:46I yell back, gotcha, coach.

00:57:48Put a confident laugh behind it.

00:57:50Ha-ha.

00:57:52We get to our corners, the bell rings.

00:57:54Ding, I come out.

00:57:55I just want him to see that I can fight.

00:57:57You can tell I can fucking fight by the way I hold my shoulders.

00:57:59Look how I'm moving, hmm?

00:58:01My feet are spaced apart.

00:58:02Look at my fucking foot moving.

00:58:03Look how I'm fucking moving, bitch.

00:58:04This ain't going to be no cakewalk.

00:58:06Mm-hmm.

00:58:07Yeah.

00:58:08You see it.

00:58:09He flat-footed.

00:58:10Oh.

00:58:11He not even on the balls of his foot.

00:58:13I'm going to whoop his ass.

00:58:15I'm getting more confidence as I move around.

00:58:18My coach says, Kevin, stop playing.

00:58:20Let your hands go.

00:58:22All right.

00:58:24Ask and you shall receive.

00:58:28I hope he got the Weather Channel.

00:58:30Because this is about to be some lightning.

00:58:33When you throw a jab, you take a step.

00:58:35Take a step.

00:58:36Let the jab go at the same time.

00:58:37Turn it over.

00:58:38Whap.

00:58:38Every time.

00:58:39Whap.

00:58:40Whap.

00:58:40That's how you throw it.

00:58:41I take my step.

00:58:42I'm about to turn it over.

00:58:43I'm right here.

00:58:44Here it is.

00:58:45About to turn that bitch over.

00:58:46You better brace yourself.

00:58:47Here it come.

00:58:48Ooh.

00:58:49It's coming.

00:58:49Right here.

00:58:50I'm right here.

00:58:51But I'm about to get here.

00:58:53Here I am.

00:58:53But I'm about to fucking get right there.

00:58:55You better brace yourself.

00:58:56I'm right here.

00:58:58Before I did that.

00:59:01He hit me.

00:59:03I immediately lost my vision.

00:59:05Immediately.

00:59:06I went blind.

00:59:07Immediately.

00:59:09Couldn't see shit.

00:59:10Everything was fucking black.

00:59:11Ah.

00:59:12Ah.

00:59:14I read that you can get brain damage

00:59:15or you can die from a punch.

00:59:17I just lost my fucking vision.

00:59:19I don't have eyesight no more.

00:59:21I can't see.

00:59:22I panicked.

00:59:23I turned around.

00:59:23I've been known to do this move several times.

00:59:25I start punching backwards.

00:59:27I've talked about it in my past specials.

00:59:29I'm a backwards puncher.

00:59:31When I panic, I fucking start punching.

00:59:32My trainer said, Kevin, throw the jab.

00:59:35Throw the jab.

00:59:35I said, for what?

00:59:38Liar.

00:59:39It ain't lightning.

00:59:40Unless he's a storm tracker.

00:59:42Okay.

00:59:42Because this is fucking ridiculous.

00:59:44I'm blind.

00:59:45I can't see shit.

00:59:46Ah.

00:59:48I'm blind.

00:59:50Ring the bell.

00:59:51Ring the fucking bell.

00:59:53The bell rings.

00:59:54I can't even get to the corner.

00:59:55I gotta follow his voice to the corner.

00:59:58Ah.

00:59:59As I get to the corner, my trainer, he's like, what's wrong?

01:00:03I said, I'm blind, man.

01:00:04I can't fucking see.

01:00:06He just, he just lift my headgear up.

01:00:10Apparently when he hit me, he knocked my headgear over my eyes.

01:00:14It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time.

01:00:19He was like, why didn't you lift it up?

01:00:20And I said, cause we never went over that in practice.

01:00:24I didn't know I could do that.

01:00:25I think you put too much Vaseline on me.

01:00:26That's why I was sliding all over the place.

01:00:29Sliding all over the fucking place.

01:00:30Man, I don't wanna do this no more.

01:00:32He said, you just gonna quit?

01:00:33I said, I don't call it quitting.

01:00:34I just wanna do something else.

01:00:36He said, what do you wanna tell him?

01:00:38I said, I'm never talking to him again in my fucking life.

01:00:41My lawyer gonna talk to him.

01:00:42He's going to jail.

01:00:43I bet you that.

01:00:44He's going to fucking jail after this.

01:00:46What he did to me tonight was assault.

01:00:49That's what the fuck this was.

01:00:50Assault at the highest level.

01:00:53I quit.

01:00:54Walked away from boxing that day.

01:00:56Walked away.

01:00:57Never went back.

01:00:58Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl.

01:01:02I went and found this guy.

01:01:04I wanted to know who he was.

01:01:06Who are you comparing me to?

01:01:08After that display of boxing that I gave,

01:01:10I wanted to see who the fuck was like me

01:01:12or who was I like.

01:01:15Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm.

01:01:19He was a handicap fighter.

01:01:20He was one in 38.

01:01:24His one win came from disqualification.

01:01:26He got knocked out.

01:01:27They kicked him in the face.

01:01:28That's why they gave him a W.

01:01:30But he had a squeaky voice.

01:01:33So my trainer was talking about my voice all this fucking time.

01:01:35It had nothing to do with my fighting style.

01:01:37Just so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter.

01:01:41I know I'm going to get a lot of shit after this joke

01:01:43from fucking one arm people.

01:01:45They said, I'm going to cancel me next.

01:01:47I don't fucking know.

01:01:49Good news is that Raleigh ain't going to last long

01:01:51because they can't hold them signs for too long.

01:01:54Because they only got one arm.

01:01:57They don't get tired.

01:01:58They got to put them arms down.

01:02:00Unless they coordinated right with an equal amount of right hands

01:02:03and left hands, they're not going to get their message across

01:02:06to cancel me.

01:02:07So that's the good news.

01:02:10You know what?

01:02:11Maybe I should take that one out.

01:02:12Let's take that one out.

01:02:14I'm going to get canceled for that one.

01:02:16Fuck it.

01:02:16Fuck it.

01:02:17I'm in my house.

01:02:18I'm in my house.

01:02:18I'm going to say what the fuck I want.

01:02:19It's a joke.

01:02:21It's a joke.

01:02:24I was so happy, man, after I sparred

01:02:26because that was the first sign that I was back to myself of old.

01:02:30I started sparring after my accident.

01:02:33You guys don't know.

01:02:33A year ago, got into a real bad car accident.

01:02:36Almost fucking died, man.

01:02:38Damn, I was paralyzed.

01:02:39A lot of bad shit happened.

01:02:40I was in the hospital for a minute.

01:02:42Thought about a lot.

01:02:43Because I thought about a lot, I'm now able to ask you things

01:02:45that I know that you haven't thought about.

01:02:48Question number one is do you have an ass wiper in your life?

01:02:52Think about it.

01:02:54An ass wiper.

01:02:55Somebody that will wipe your ass if shit hit the fan

01:02:58for the rest of your life if need be.

01:03:01You don't think you need it until you fucking need it.

01:03:05See, after my surgery, I went eight days without going to the bathroom.

01:03:08I was constipated.

01:03:09They wouldn't let me leave the hospital until I went to the bathroom.

01:03:12I had to make sure your organs were working.

01:03:13I had somebody by my side every single day.

01:03:16On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap where I was by myself.

01:03:21During this 20-minute gap, it felt like somebody threw a stick of dynamite in my fucking stomach

01:03:25and that bitch exploded.

01:03:26Boom.

01:03:27Uh-oh.

01:03:28Uh-oh.

01:03:29I gotta go.

01:03:30I gotta go to the fucking bathroom.

01:03:32I can't move my legs.

01:03:33I can't move my arms.

01:03:34There's nobody there.

01:03:35I start pressing the help button.

01:03:37Help.

01:03:38Help.

01:03:40Help.

01:03:43Help.

01:03:44Somebody gotta help.

01:03:45Jose came running in the room.

01:03:46Jose was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse.

01:03:49What's up, my friend?

01:03:55Jose.

01:03:55Jose.

01:03:56I gotta go to the bathroom, man.

01:03:58Now.

01:03:58I gotta go.

01:03:59Right now.

01:04:00Okay, man.

01:04:01I got you, man.

01:04:01I'll take care of you.

01:04:02I'll get you good, okay?

01:04:03Jose grabbed my legs, grabs my upper body, picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was

01:04:07right next to the bed.

01:04:08After he sits me on the toilet, Jose took two giant steps backwards, mm, mm, folded his

01:04:13arms, was looking me in the eye, rocking back and forth like this.

01:04:18Oh, no.

01:04:19What the fuck is happening, Jose?

01:04:22I gotta go, man.

01:04:23Why are you still here?

01:04:23I gotta go to the bathroom.

01:04:25Then it dawned on me, oh, my God.

01:04:28Jose's gotta wipe my ass.

01:04:30Oh, this is rock bottom.

01:04:32This is it.

01:04:33This is rock fucking bottom.

01:04:35I'm here.

01:04:36It can't get worse than this.

01:04:38And when I say that, Jose decides to say things that make me feel better.

01:04:42Don't worry, man.

01:04:43I'm gonna wipe you good, okay?

01:04:46I'm gonna wipe you good, okay, man?

01:04:48I got you.

01:04:48You in good hands with me.

01:04:50I'm gonna wipe you good, okay, man?

01:04:53At this point, I'm fucking in disbelief.

01:04:56I just can't believe what's happening.

01:04:58I can't hold it.

01:04:59I just go.

01:05:00I start going.

01:05:01Jose decides to cheer me on.

01:05:03Good, good, good.

01:05:05You gotta get it out, man.

01:05:08You gotta get it out, man.

01:05:10Eight days is a long time for anybody, man.

01:05:13I get done going.

01:05:14Jose grabs my right arm, rolls me over.

01:05:17Jose starts wiping my ass.

01:05:19At this point, a single tear rolls down my fucking cheek.

01:05:24I'm crying.

01:05:25The reason why I'm crying is because my arms are numbing, my legs are numbing.

01:05:29For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why God would leave feeling in the space in my ass.

01:05:35Why not numb that up, too?

01:05:37Why let me feel what the fuck is happening at the lowest point of my life?

01:05:42Why feel Jose wiping my ass?

01:05:46Crying uncontrollably at this point.

01:05:49Jose decides to say something else.

01:05:52It's okay, man.

01:05:53This is crazy, man.

01:05:54I know.

01:05:56Imagine how I feel, man.

01:05:59I can't believe I'm wiping Kevin Hart's ass, man.

01:06:03This is crazy.

01:06:06This is my first famous ass, man.

01:06:10Guys, this has been such an amazing night of fucking comedy, dude.

01:06:13It's been such a great night.

01:06:18Such a great, intimate night.

01:06:20We shared so much.

01:06:22I love it.

01:06:23It's such a different vibe.

01:06:24It's a comfortable vibe.

01:06:25It's a sexy vibe.

01:06:26More importantly, it was a vibe that I got to be myself in.

01:06:30But I don't want you guys to leave with just some fucking laughter from jokes.

01:06:33I feel like I can give you more.

01:06:35I want you to know me for more.

01:06:37Okay?

01:06:38Because I got more.

01:06:39I got more.

01:06:42With that being said,

01:06:44I hope you guys are ready for some bop.

01:06:46Bring out the bop.

01:06:47That's right.

01:06:48Bring out the pizza for everybody here.

01:06:50Bop.

01:06:50Yes.

01:06:51That's right.

01:06:51That's right.

01:06:52I got the bop for you.

01:06:54I see you.

01:06:56Bop.

01:06:56Bop.

01:06:57Bop.

01:06:57Bop.

01:06:58Bop.

01:06:58Yes.

01:06:59Thank you guys so much.

01:07:01What an amazing night.

01:07:03Bop.

01:07:04Bop.

01:07:05Bop.

01:07:06Bop.

01:07:06Bop.

01:07:06Bop.

01:07:07Bop.

01:07:07Bop.

01:07:13Bop.

01:07:13Oh my gosh.

01:07:14It was crazy.

01:07:15It's okay.

01:07:16I dreamt.

01:07:16I dreamt that I was on stage and I was doing stand-up by saying stuff that I would never

01:07:20say.

01:07:21I called my daughter a hoe.

01:07:23I called my son dumb.

01:07:24I said I didn't like private school.

01:07:26I said ... I said the plant-based community was wildin'.

01:07:30I went through this whole phase where I said I was at Seinfeld's house. I ain't never been to Seinfeld's

01:07:35house

01:07:35I said I said go back to sleep. You're just having a bad

01:07:43It's just a nightmare, right? Yeah, it was just it was just a nightmare. Yes

01:07:52You ever have bop no

01:08:08Oh

01:08:09Man

01:08:09Got it from the shore

01:08:12Logged out from my computer

01:08:14All my brothers ill advice neighborhood was gentrified local news talk about it

01:08:18Oliver get vilified who's gonna stand behind me when the chips fall got my mechanic building records

01:08:24We gon' lift up trouble from conception got me searching for connection my professions

01:08:28See so many younger selling that they sell like a concession

01:08:31This concession

01:08:33This concession

01:08:36We'll be able to

01:08:48We'll be able to

01:08:56I'm just about to act up.

01:09:00That is the grip.

01:09:02The grip.

01:09:03Make nobody back up.

01:09:05Grip.

01:09:06Ain't nobody pass us.

01:09:08Grip.

01:09:09I'm just about to act up.

01:09:11Grip.

01:09:12That is the grip.

01:09:13Grip.

01:09:17Grip.

01:09:18Grip.

01:09:21Grip.

01:09:22Grip.

01:09:32I want to act better.

01:09:338

01:09:33STILL

01:09:33STILL

01:09:33STILL

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