In this one hour special, Trevor Noah talks about everything from terrorism to police brutality, Ebola, his grandmother and the origin of the cheer "woo-hoo".
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #trevornoah #trevornoahcomedy #trevornoahstandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #trevornoah #trevornoahcomedy #trevornoahstandup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:26Thank you very much, thank you very much, thank you very much.
00:36Thank you very much, I see you, thank you, thank you, welcome, welcome, this is us, Washington DC, yeah, you
00:51guys feeling good, yeah, that's good, that's good, yeah, woohoo, woohoo to you too, and that as well man, and
00:58that as well.
01:00I love that, I love the sounds people make, it's so much fun, yeah, we've just, we've just thrown language
01:04out of the window, I like that, I feel like we're devolving as human beings now.
01:09No, because that was the thing that separated us from the apes, wasn't it? The fact that we chose speech,
01:14yeah, monkeys used to run around and squeal, and we were like, no, English.
01:26But now we've started to go back to that, started to embrace our roots, people get excited, are you happy?
01:31I'm real happy, how happy?
01:33Woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, ow, that's one of my favorite sounds, it sounds like someone's having so much
01:44fun they hurt themselves, like you didn't plan ahead of time.
01:50Too much fun, it's such a weird sound, I love it, and you know what's crazy, is that we all
01:55know what that sound means, you know, we don't agree on anything in this world, race, religion, politics, but that
02:02sounds, that woohoo, has united us all.
02:07You can make that sound anywhere, and people accept it, as long as there's alcohol present, you can make that
02:14sound, woohoo, but there has to be alcohol, you can't make that sound anywhere else, you can't make that sound
02:18in the office, it's unacceptable, your boss won't allow it, you can't be like, final email, sent, woohoo, Johnson, sorry,
02:26sorry, sorry, sorry, you can't make that sound in church, and that is why Jesus died for our sins, woohoo.
02:36Sorry about you, go to hell, you just can't do it, but everyone knows it, everyone knows what woohoo means,
02:43it means happiness, yeah, it means the happiness of the people, strange, because no one asked me to vote on
02:48it, I didn't get to choose, if I was to choose, I, I don't know that I would pick woohoo
02:55as the sound of happiness, strangely enough, I think it may be more apt as the sound of sadness, yeah,
03:01I could see it, at a funeral, family gathered around the casket,
03:06tears streaming down their face, pastor reading the eulogy, we will, always remember Mary, as a loving mother, a caring
03:16friend, foodie, blogger, and wonderful sister, before we lay her to rest, would you please join me now, as we
03:26observe, a moment, of woohoo.
03:31Everyone's standing there in tears, woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, ow, there'll always be one big lady in the corner, woohoo, woohoo,
03:48woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, woohoo, thank you very much, sister.
03:59Such a fun sound, sound of happiness, the sound of white happiness, in particular, yeah, I've tracked it, I've searched
04:07for the source of woohoo, and I found it originated with white people, white, white woman in particular, yeah, that's
04:14where it comes from, that is the sound of a white woman's turn up, that is the sound, of her
04:19getting into the game, it's like, Tammy, woohoo,
04:25And that's when you know it's on.
04:28Because everyone else learned it from white women.
04:30That's where it came from.
04:31You know, it spread through society like a virus.
04:33It's not the natural sound anybody else makes.
04:35White women make that sound instinctively, but everyone else has learned it.
04:37Like, white men were the first ones to learn it, because for them it's sort of like a mating call.
04:40They know what it means.
04:41They have to reciprocate, like, woo-hoo!
04:44Woo-hoo!
04:46But everyone else had to learn it.
04:47It's a natural sound for them, but for nobody else.
04:50Like, black people woo-hoo, but it's not the natural sound.
04:52Black people make for fun.
04:53You know, black people can woo-hoo.
04:55Black people often do woo-hoo.
04:57But it's not instinctively a black sound of happiness.
05:00And I think it's because black people are uncomfortable with the woo-hoo.
05:04Deep down inside, there's a certain moment in woo-hoo when every black person stops enjoying it.
05:10There's just, there's just a moment when, and maybe this is just my personal experiences,
05:16but I feel it sounds eerily similar to a police siren.
05:19There's just a moment where it stops being fun.
05:25It's just that split second where it's like, woo-hoo!
05:28Woo-hoo!
05:30Woo-hoo!
05:32Woo-hoo!
05:34Woo-hoo!
05:34Woo-hoo!
05:34Woo-hoo!
05:35Woo-hoo!
05:37Like, put your hands in the air!
05:40And keep them there.
05:44It's not the sound of happiness in my life.
05:46That's not, although I guess that's why white people do it, because white people love calling
05:49the police.
05:49So they're probably like, woo-hoo!
05:51Oh my God, the cops are here!
05:54Party time!
05:55Come on in!
05:56I thought you'd never make it!
05:58Because white people do.
05:59White people have a very different relationship with the police.
06:01I was trying to explain this to my friend, Dave.
06:03You know, when we're hanging out, he's like, dude, what is it with black people and police?
06:06I'm like, it's not, it's not that black people don't like the police or hate the police,
06:09it's just that, it's just that you have a, we have a tumultuous history with the police.
06:12One day we were driving, we're driving on the highway, and the police car pulled up
06:16behind us, and I got tense, I just got really tense, and he's like, dude, what's going on?
06:20I said, the police, the police are behind us.
06:22And he was like, yeah, and?
06:24Did you do anything wrong?
06:25I said, that's not the point.
06:29Because it really isn't.
06:30For white people, that is the point.
06:32The police will send you to jail if you do something wrong.
06:34As a black person, you have a different relationship.
06:37The police may send you to jail just because.
06:40I know this because I was driving, I got pulled over by the police for the first time in my
06:44life in America.
06:45And already, I'm not very comfortable when driving in the United States, you know?
06:49Not because of the other side of the road, but because of the other side of the car.
06:52I'm not used to that.
06:53You know, like, I always get into the car on the wrong side.
06:56I'll be shopping, and I'll come back to my car confidently, and I'll jump inside, and
07:00put the things down, and then I'm like, ah.
07:06And then instead of getting out, I sit there.
07:07I always just sit there.
07:09Because I always think somebody's watching me, so I just sit there.
07:12And I act like I planned it all.
07:13Like, where is my driver?
07:19Where is my driver?
07:20He should have been here by now.
07:21Where is my?
07:22Oh, well, I guess I'll drive myself.
07:27I don't know why I do that.
07:29I'm not comfortable.
07:31But you have to drive in Los Angeles.
07:33So I had a little rental car, and I'm driving on the freeway, and this police car pulls up
07:37behind me, and he drives behind me for a little bit, and then he flashes these lights.
07:41And I was like, oh, he probably wants to go past.
07:43And so I moved over to the middle lane, and then he came with me.
07:47And he flashed these lights again.
07:48And I was like, oh, come on, just go past me, man.
07:50Just go past me.
07:51And I went back to the flashlight.
07:53He came back with me, and he just flashed the lights.
07:54And this time he's like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
07:56And I was like, yeah, go past.
07:57You can go with me, go past.
07:59Because I didn't think he was stopping me.
08:00I thought it was basically the vehicular equivalence of that moment on the sidewalk when you both
08:03don't know which way to go.
08:05I thought we were doing that with our cars.
08:06Like, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
08:10I thought that was happening.
08:11I thought that was happening.
08:12And clearly, he thought that I was evading him in the most polite manner ever.
08:15Because he gets irritated.
08:16He's like, pull out of the side of the road, side of the road, whoop, whoop, whoop, pull out of
08:19the side of the road.
08:20Now, I couldn't hear what the hell he was saying.
08:22Which I think is part of the problem.
08:23I don't think it's fair that police have speakers on their cars and we don't.
08:28I think this is a recipe for disaster.
08:30That's the first step in mending relationships is communication, people.
08:34I don't know what the hell that guy was saying, but I couldn't tell him.
08:36He was like, pull out of the side of the road, camera, camera, camera, camera, camera, camera, camera, camera, camera,
08:38camera, camera.
08:38If I had a speaker, I would have had the ability to be like, sir, I cannot hear what you're
08:42saying.
08:42Enunciate your words, please.
08:44Enunciate your words.
08:45Speak clearly.
08:47I said, pull out of the side of the road, with the side of the road.
08:49Whip, whip, whip, whip.
08:51No, no, use your words, buddy.
08:52Use your words.
08:54Talk to me.
08:55Talk to me.
08:55What do you need?
08:56Pull over.
08:57Pull over.
08:58I'll be like, okay, I will be pulling over right now.
08:59Thank you very much.
09:00Like, it would be more effective.
09:01But I didn't know.
09:02So I'm there.
09:02He's like, I don't know what the hell you want to.
09:06I'm like, what are you talking about?
09:07He's like, pull over.
09:07Pull over.
09:08And I panicked.
09:09And so I stopped.
09:10I pulled over right there where I was on the freeway, which apparently you're not supposed to do.
09:13I didn't know this.
09:14I didn't know this.
09:14Because I just know that police tell me to do something.
09:16I do it.
09:16So he said, pull over.
09:21And then tell me to not pull over.
09:23You should have said, pull over at a time that is more appropriate.
09:25You can't just tell.
09:25Now I'm panicking.
09:26He's like, get back into the road.
09:27I'm like, this guy does not know what he wants.
09:28I'm going to get.
09:29Now I'm back in the road.
09:30And then he's like, kick the next exit.
09:31And now we're driving.
09:32And now he's guiding me along.
09:33It's like I had a really angry GPS.
09:34It was the weirdest thing ever.
09:36It's like he's driving me.
09:37He's like, make a right.
09:38Make a right at the lights.
09:39Make a right.
09:40It's like I chose angry cop on my ways.
09:41That's what it felt like.
09:43He's like, turn left or no.
09:44I said left.
09:45Turn left.
09:45No recalculating.
09:46What did I say?
09:50And so finally, finally we stop.
09:54We stop.
09:55I pull over on the side of the road.
09:56He pulls over behind me.
09:57And he gets out of the car.
10:00And I'm ****ing myself.
10:02And as he gets out, he goes, keep your hands where I can see them.
10:06I don't know what you can see or not see.
10:09I don't know.
10:09These are very vague instructions.
10:11I don't know what you can.
10:12So now I'm there doing this.
10:15Because I don't know what you can see or not.
10:17I'm straight.
10:18Like, don't get me wrong.
10:19I just, you know, the thing is, I just don't want to die.
10:21That's all I don't.
10:22I just, I just don't want to die.
10:25And I know I don't look like, but I'm not the dying type.
10:27I really am not.
10:28Like, I'm a chilled out guy who likes living.
10:29I don't want to die.
10:30And the worst thing is, I don't know how not to die.
10:33That's the thing.
10:34I don't know how not to die.
10:36Because every day I turn on the TV, it seems like another black person is being shot.
10:39So I just want to know how not to get shot.
10:43You know, I try and learn.
10:44I really do.
10:45I try and learn.
10:46You know, it all started in the lower echelons of enforcement.
10:52Community watch.
10:53George Zimmerman shot Trayvon, the young boy.
10:56And the story started off with man shoots boy.
10:58Everyone was like, yeah, this is horrible.
10:59This is disgusting.
11:01But then the news for some strange reason, the next day they just forget.
11:03And then they start asking other questions.
11:04They go, well, why was he wearing a hoodie?
11:05What was he doing?
11:06And why was he wearing a hoodie?
11:08I was like, oh, is that so that's, so don't wear a hoodie.
11:10That's what it is.
11:11The hoodie.
11:12It's very frightening.
11:14You don't know what's going on under there.
11:15Yeah.
11:16We've all seen Star Wars.
11:17It's the creepiest thing ever.
11:19Yeah.
11:19Yeah.
11:20It's the dark side.
11:22And so I was like, oh, so if I don't wear a hoodie, then I'm safe.
11:24No one's going to shoot me if I don't wear a hoodie.
11:26But then if you, you cut forward.
11:27And then the next thing you know, it's Mike Brown in Ferguson.
11:30And he gets shot by the police.
11:32Unarmed.
11:32Gets shot.
11:33And no, like a man was unarmed and he got shot.
11:35And I was like, oh, this is disgusting.
11:36And they said, but also he approached the police officer apparently.
11:39And he may or may not have scuffled with it.
11:42We don't know.
11:42But he approached him.
11:43And I was like, oh, okay.
11:44Okay.
11:44So that don't wear a hoodie.
11:45And don't approach the police.
11:46Don't go towards the police.
11:47You see police?
11:48You go the other way.
11:49You go the other way.
11:50From, okay, cool.
11:51I got it.
11:51So no hoodies, no approaching the police.
11:53This is it.
11:53I'm learning.
11:54I'm learning.
11:54This is how.
11:55But then, but then the next guy comes on the news.
11:57Eric Garner in New York City.
11:59And there he is.
11:59He's standing.
12:00And the police, they apprehend him.
12:01And they start choking him.
12:02And he doesn't go towards them.
12:03He doesn't go.
12:04He's standing there with his arms up.
12:05And he goes, choked to death by six policemen.
12:06And then they come on the news.
12:08And they say, well, you got to understand for these police.
12:10I mean, this was a, this was a pretty big guy.
12:12He was a pretty big guy.
12:14He was scary.
12:15He was a really scary big black guy.
12:17And I'm like, okay, cool.
12:18So, so don't be a big black guy.
12:20And then you should be fine.
12:21Don't be a big black guy.
12:22And then I should, and every day I look in the mirror.
12:24And I'm like, good job.
12:25And I'm like, okay, fine.
12:26Fine, okay.
12:27So, so don't wear a hoodie.
12:29Don't wear a hoodie.
12:30And don't approach the policeman.
12:31And don't be a big black man.
12:32I think, I think I've got it all down.
12:34I think, and then I turn on the TV.
12:36And then I see Walter Scott.
12:37A 50-something-year-old man running away from a policeman.
12:41Getting shots in the back.
12:42Running away from the policeman.
12:45And again, the media, for some strange reason, just seems to forget what the main purpose of the discussion is.
12:50Because on day one, they go, unarmed man, shot in the back.
12:53Day two, they're like, who was Walter Scott?
12:56Let's find out about him.
12:57Apparently, he had a charge of assault against him in 1987.
13:02So he gets shot for it?
13:04How hard did he punch the guy that he gets shot for it in 2015?
13:08What, did he punch the guy into the future and then he came back to get him?
13:10Is that what happened?
13:12I mean, it was the 80s.
13:13Everyone punched somebody in the 80s.
13:15I don't understand why this is a big deal.
13:16They were saying the craziest things.
13:17They were like, Walter Scott, I mean, this is, everybody's talking about the police officer.
13:20Let's talk about him.
13:21Why did he run?
13:22Why did he run?
13:24Because he didn't want to go to jail.
13:27Are we really going to live in a world where police no longer want to chase criminals?
13:30Is that what we're saying?
13:31Is that what we're saying?
13:32Police no longer want to chase criminals?
13:33Because that's the whole point of the game, isn't it?
13:35We played it as kids.
13:35Cops and robbers.
13:36Yeah?
13:37You've seen the movies.
13:38That's what makes it fun.
13:39Freeze!
13:39You can't catch me, copper.
13:40And then you're robbing.
13:42That's what makes it fun.
13:45Now police no longer want to chase criminals.
13:47We're going to live in a world where police, can you imagine what that's going to do to
13:49the movie industry?
13:50It's going to be horrible.
13:51Remember, we're going to be watching Bad Boys 5, Martin Lawrence, and Will Smith.
13:55Freeze!
13:55Okay.
13:56End of movie.
13:57Done.
13:57It's the worst movie ever.
14:00This is the strangest thing.
14:01They ask all the weird questions that have nothing to do with a man being shot who is
14:06unarmed.
14:07They come in and go, also noted is that Walter Scott owed $16,000 in child support.
14:16To the cop?
14:21No, no, I mean, like, to the, because that would be a different story.
14:31That would be, like, if that was the mother of his children that shot him, then you know
14:35what, I may, I may actually be on her side.
14:38You never know.
14:39Yeah.
14:39I might have been there like, you know what, sister?
14:41You shoot him in the back, girl.
14:42That's right.
14:43You shoot him thinking he ain't going to pay after he play.
14:46You shoot him in the back thinking he going to run away from his responsibilities.
14:52Shoot him dead.
14:56But this has nothing to do with it.
14:58A policeman shoots an unarmed man.
15:00He's running away.
15:01And then they have the nerve, they have the nerve, the crazy nerve to say, this officer
15:05feared for his life.
15:06He was afraid.
15:07Afraid of what?
15:08That man's running away.
15:10There's nothing less frightening than somebody running away from you.
15:14That is the definition of fear.
15:16He's running away.
15:17The only thing he could have done to be less threatening is to cluck like a chicken as
15:19he's like, there's nothing less frightening than a man running away from you.
15:24Like, what are you afraid of?
15:25You can't say he was running away.
15:26I was afraid.
15:26Afraid of what?
15:27He's running away from you.
15:29That makes no sense.
15:30You're seeing him from behind.
15:31No one's threatening from behind.
15:33They're running away.
15:34There's no one who's frightened.
15:35Like maybe Kim Kardashian, but nobody else is running away from you.
15:40You shoot him in the back.
15:42And I was like, yeah, I was afraid.
15:43Afraid of what?
15:44What do you have?
15:45Abandonment issues?
15:45Why would you shoot a man?
15:49My dad left when I was five.
15:53Makes no sense.
15:55So I don't know how not to die.
15:58And here I am in my car on the side of the road in a random street in Los Angeles.
16:04And the whole time I'm just like, I don't want to die.
16:06I don't want to die.
16:07I don't want to die.
16:08And the policeman gets out of his car and he starts walking towards me.
16:14And his hand is by his side and it's doing this.
16:21And I've watched westerns.
16:25I know what this means.
16:27This is never good.
16:29This never turns into friendship.
16:37So now I'm starting to stress and I'm looking at him in the side mirror of my car and I'm
16:41panicking because objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
16:44So he's going to get there at any moment.
16:46And I don't know why.
16:47I don't know why I did this.
16:48Like as soon as he got, I panicked.
16:49I completely panicked and I launched myself out the window.
16:51I took my body and I threw it out the window and I fell onto the side of the car.
16:55Just like, just, and onto the side of the car.
16:57I basically went back to nature.
16:58I thought of a predator.
16:59You don't make eye contact and you play dead.
17:01That's all I did.
17:01I just played dead on the side of the car.
17:04Shame, which freaked him out.
17:05He was completely, he was just like, what?
17:06Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?
17:08I said, I'm sorry.
17:10I'm sorry.
17:11He's like, sure.
17:11What are you sorry for?
17:12I said, whatever it is that's going to make you shoot me.
17:14I'm sorry.
17:16I'm sorry, officer.
17:17He said, sir, get back in the car.
17:18Get back in the car.
17:19I said, no.
17:20I don't want to die.
17:22Please, I'm not falling for that trick.
17:24Please, officer.
17:24I'm sorry.
17:25He's like, sir, I'm not going to kill you.
17:27Just get back in the car.
17:28I don't mean shame.
17:28This guy was just as freaked out as I was.
17:30I'm not going to lie.
17:31Because I mean, when I put myself in his shoes, what does he do?
17:33Imagine that.
17:33You're standing on the side of a guy jumps out of his own car.
17:35What does he, he can't even call for backup.
17:36What does he say?
17:3710-4, I need backup.
17:38What do you need?
17:38I've got a black guy killed himself.
17:4210-4, you've got to make something up better than that.
17:44We'll back you up.
17:45Don't worry.
17:45Like, what do you say?
17:47It's just like, weird.
17:49The guy's freaking out.
17:50I'm freaking out.
17:51And I'm lying there.
17:53And this guy, he approaches slowly.
17:55He approaches, he finally gets to me and lifts my arms.
17:57And he's like, get back in the car.
17:57Get back.
17:58He stuffs me back into my window.
18:00Get back.
18:01I'm like, no, no, I don't die.
18:03Please, I don't want to die.
18:05He's like, sir, sir, calm down.
18:07Calm down.
18:08I go, okay.
18:10I'm sorry.
18:11I'm sorry.
18:12He's like, sir, have you been drinking?
18:13I said, no, sir.
18:15I haven't been drinking.
18:16I said, okay, calm down.
18:18Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?
18:20I said, it's because I'm black.
18:24Now, I wasn't being an ass, nor was I joking.
18:27I'd just been informed that as a black person in America, if you drive a really nice car,
18:31there's a good chance you're going to get pulled over by the police.
18:34Yeah, so in my world, he was doing his job, as I had been told.
18:39Yeah, I wasn't judging him.
18:40In fact, I was a little flattered.
18:42I was like, well, thank you very much, Mr. Officer, for noticing this bad boy right here.
18:47That's right.
18:472015, baby.
18:49I was really excited.
18:51He was more freaked out, though, because I said to him, I said, it's because I'm black.
18:54And then he did this thing that I've come to learn is the reaction of white people in America,
19:01who, when they hear information, they can't process fast enough.
19:05I have this thing where they smile on the outside, but on the inside, it's almost as if they're short
19:10-circuiting.
19:13It's like a, and he looks at me and he goes, I'm sorry, what?
19:16I said, because I'm black.
19:17That's why you pulled me over.
19:18And he goes, no, no, no, hey, we are, no, that is not, no, no, hey, I don't, no, no,
19:25that is not.
19:35I felt so bad for him.
19:38I think we both learned a lot that day, the two of us.
19:41Grew from that experience.
19:45I was speeding, that's why he pulled me over.
19:50But he let me go.
19:56I'm having a great time.
19:58I really am.
19:59Not getting speeding fines.
20:00Enjoying my time out here.
20:02Some of you may or may not know, I got a job.
20:04This is fantastic for me.
20:05Thank you very much.
20:09Thank you very much.
20:16Changed my life completely.
20:18Come into the U.S.
20:20I feel like people are smiling at me more.
20:22Might just be my imagination.
20:25Because I noticed it at the airports I've been flying in.
20:28Probably a combination of my job and the fact that the Ebola crisis is now passed.
20:34That was probably the worst time ever.
20:37Is flying into America as an African during the Ebola crisis.
20:43It was the craziest thing I've ever seen in an airport.
20:46You'd walk in.
20:47There'd be tension.
20:48They'd usher everybody into a special quarantine area.
20:51Ask you questions.
20:52Questions that they don't normally ask.
20:54The number one question they always ask was, sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?
20:57They always ask, sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?
21:01I love the sincerity of the question.
21:03Like, there was a chance my answer could be, yes.
21:07And next up, Disney World.
21:14Like, what kind of person do you think I am that I'll still be embarking on a journey having knowingly
21:18been in contact with the most deadly disease on the planet?
21:20Like, who do you think I am that I'll be there like, I don't care.
21:24Booking.com has a zero refund policy.
21:28I'm going to Disney World.
21:29Even if it kills me, Mickey Mouse and everybody else, I'm going.
21:35Have you been in contact with Ebola?
21:37And they always said it like Ebola was like a distant relative.
21:39I love the phrasing.
21:40Have you been in contact with Ebola?
21:42Yeah, I spoke to him last week.
21:43He's doing well, eh?
21:44Thank you very much for asking.
21:47Ebola made flying a nightmare.
21:49Because Ebola was one of the craziest things I've ever seen in terms of...
21:54The human condition.
21:54How quickly we're taught to panic.
21:59One minute I'll be flying.
22:00I'll see people of Middle Eastern descent getting pulled.
22:03You know, random selections.
22:06Beeping through the machine.
22:07And then Ebola happened.
22:09And all of a sudden the focus shifted.
22:11The focus shifted.
22:12Now it was Africans getting pulled aside.
22:14Africans waiting.
22:16Middle Easterners were cruising through security.
22:21And then almost as quickly as it started,
22:23It flipped back overnight.
22:25And I'll never forget when it happened.
22:27Right after the Charlie Hebdo attack in Paris.
22:32That attack happened.
22:33And almost the next day,
22:36Ebola wasn't a thing anymore.
22:39Middle Easterners were back in the spotlight.
22:42Normal service had been resumed.
22:45Because after Charlie Hebdo,
22:47I would walk through airports and no one gave a damn.
22:49They didn't care about me,
22:51where I was from,
22:52nor the bananas in my bag.
23:02I just cruised through security.
23:07Charlie Hebdo.
23:09Terrorist attack in France.
23:10Everyone led with it.
23:11CNN.
23:11Breaking news.
23:12Terrorists have attacked Charlie Hebdo headquarters.
23:14BBC.
23:14And in breaking news,
23:15unconfirmed reports saying 12 people have been killed by terrorists.
23:18Everyone said they were terrorists.
23:19It was weird to me,
23:20because we didn't know that they were terrorists.
23:21We just knew that they were Middle Eastern.
23:23But immediately we went to terrorists.
23:25Because if you're Middle Eastern,
23:27that's a terrorist.
23:28That's the world we live in now.
23:30Yeah.
23:30If you're Middle Eastern,
23:32terrorism is your trademark.
23:34It's so crazy how easy it is
23:36to get people to hate a group of people.
23:38Because that's what happened.
23:39Charlie Hebdo.
23:40And then everyone started saying things about Muslims.
23:42These damn Muslims.
23:43These damn...
23:43We gotta stop Islam.
23:45That's what we gotta do.
23:45We gotta stop these Islamists.
23:47These Muslims.
23:48Now, I'm not saying all Muslims are terrorists.
23:51But all terrorists are Muslims.
23:54It sounds really smart, doesn't it?
23:56It sounds really smart.
23:57But it's not.
23:58It's stupid and it's hate speech.
23:59That's what it is.
24:01It really is.
24:10Terrorism is not a race.
24:11It's an act.
24:12It's evolved over time.
24:14Yes, right now we're dealing with extremism,
24:17Islamic terror in some parts of the world.
24:19But if you go to other parts of the world
24:20and ask them what a terrorist is,
24:21they'll show you a different face.
24:23You go to England.
24:2520 years ago when you said,
24:26what was a terrorist?
24:27They show you a drunk Irishman.
24:29Right?
24:30I didn't need to say drunk.
24:31I could have just said Irishman.
24:35There was a time when Nelson Mandela
24:38was labeled a terrorist.
24:39Like, terrorism is an act.
24:40It's not a face.
24:42People say these things.
24:43Well, these Muslims, you gotta admit,
24:45there's an awful lot of them.
24:46Awful lot of them doing the same thing.
24:49You're like, yeah.
24:50But you know who's not a terrorist?
24:53Most Muslims.
24:54Yeah.
24:55Most Muslims are not terrorists.
25:00I'm not even Muslim,
25:01but it gets to me,
25:02because I'm like,
25:02most Muslim people are not terrorists.
25:04You know how you know this?
25:05Because we're still alive.
25:06Yeah.
25:07They've had ample opportunity
25:08to take us out, people.
25:09There's a billion Muslim people on the planet.
25:12They've had every chance.
25:13They could have killed us
25:14using those falafels
25:15they sell us after midnight
25:16when we come out of the club.
25:18They could have wiped us all out.
25:21But they're killer kebabs.
25:25They've had the means.
25:27It's so weird to see our prejudices,
25:29you know,
25:29the way people are labeled
25:30in the media,
25:31and in society.
25:32It's not just Muslim people.
25:33You see it with black people as well.
25:34You know, people saying these things.
25:36Like, you know,
25:36I remember when the riots
25:38were happening in Baltimore.
25:39People quickly jump to these thugs.
25:40These are a bunch of thugs
25:41running around.
25:42These thugs, you know,
25:42I'm starting to think
25:43black people like crime.
25:44That's what I'm starting to think.
25:45Is that the only way
25:46they can deal with it?
25:47Black people like crime.
25:48No, no.
25:49Black people don't like crime.
25:51Because you know
25:52who's not a criminal?
25:54Most black people.
25:55Yeah.
25:56Most black people
25:56are not criminals.
26:00Black people hate crime
26:02just like everybody else.
26:04It's not like black people
26:04are cheering crime on.
26:05It's not like they're watching
26:06a black guy do some s***
26:07like, yeah, Darnell,
26:08you still that s***, man?
26:09You still that s***?
26:10Yeah, no.
26:12When black people
26:12see a black person
26:13doing a crime,
26:14they're also looking
26:15at the person like,
26:16that nigga crazy.
26:20You've got to fight the act,
26:21not the face.
26:22Not a face that you put to it.
26:22It's not the same thing.
26:24And everybody has it, you know?
26:25If you're a Middle Easter
26:26and you do something,
26:27if you're a black person,
26:28a black person gets shot
26:29in a bad neighborhood,
26:30the first story
26:31they always lead with.
26:32Always lead with the same thing.
26:33And today in Compton,
26:34a man was shot
26:35in what is suspected
26:36to be gang-related violence.
26:38It's always gang-related violence.
26:39They never say
26:40it's anything else.
26:41It never says two guys.
26:42Gang-related,
26:42probably gang-related.
26:44Why do you say that?
26:44Well, because, you know,
26:45in this area,
26:46there's hip-hop.
26:50Why is it gang-related?
26:51It's always gang-
26:51It doesn't matter who it is.
26:52It could be two kids.
26:53Someone got shot.
26:54A three-year-old
26:55was shot today
26:55by a four-year-old
26:56in what is suspected
26:57to be gang-related violence.
26:59But they're kids.
27:00Yeah, they recruit very young.
27:03Wasn't a mistake.
27:03No, it's not a mistake.
27:04It's never a mistake.
27:05But if it's in a rich neighborhood,
27:07the story changes.
27:08Because you'll never hear them
27:08reporting the same thing
27:09about the Hamptons.
27:10And today in the Hamptons,
27:11a man was shot
27:12in what is suspected
27:13to be gang-related violence.
27:14The Burberry gang
27:15has been known
27:16to operate around these parts.
27:17And recently,
27:19they never say those things.
27:19In fact,
27:20you're more likely
27:20to see the police commissioner
27:21going,
27:22a lot of,
27:22we've just conducted
27:24an investigation.
27:25We found out
27:26that a firearm
27:28was discharged
27:29earlier today
27:30and a bullet
27:31left the weapon
27:35penetrating a victim.
27:37And we're going to investigate
27:38whether it was misfired
27:40or,
27:40I'm sorry,
27:41did you say,
27:42did someone shoot the gun?
27:43Well,
27:43we're not ruling
27:44anything out right now.
27:46But we're checking
27:47to see if there was
27:48a mechanism failure
27:49or what about the person?
27:51Well,
27:51we don't think
27:52that this was intentional.
27:53We don't.
27:54So wait,
27:54we live in a world
27:55where you investigate a gun
27:56before you investigate
27:57a rich white man?
27:57Is that what you're saying?
27:58No,
27:59no,
27:59no,
27:59no,
27:59that's not what we're saying.
28:01But I mean,
28:01you must remember
28:01the gun is black.
28:02But that's not the point.
28:04The point is,
28:06uh,
28:11it's so weird
28:11how our prejudices
28:12have given everyone
28:13their lane.
28:14Middle Eastern does something,
28:15they're a terrorist.
28:16Black person does something,
28:18they're gang related,
28:19they're a thug.
28:20But if a white guy
28:21walks into a church
28:22killing nine people dead,
28:23what do they lead with
28:24on the news?
28:24And today,
28:25in an isolated,
28:26incident,
28:27a lone gunman
28:28walked into a church
28:29opening fire
28:29and killing nine people.
28:31It's always a lone gunman.
28:32Yeah,
28:32a lone gunman
28:33with no ties to society
28:34whatsoever.
28:35They were separating
28:36as quickly as possible.
28:37I love how they do that.
28:38He kept to himself
28:39and was notoriously
28:41unfriendly.
28:41He had no friends
28:42whatsoever.
28:44No,
28:44no friends,
28:45really?
28:45No,
28:45no friends?
28:46Not even one?
28:47Not even one?
28:50No friends?
28:56Not even on Facebook?
28:58No,
28:59everyone has friends
28:59on Facebook.
29:00Come on,
29:00you tell me the guy
29:01had no friends.
29:01It's almost like
29:02as the shooting happens,
29:02everyone's like,
29:03what,
29:03Dylan?
29:03I'm friend,
29:04I'm friend,
29:04I'm friend,
29:05I'm friend,
29:05I'm friend,
29:05I'm friend,
29:06I'm friend,
29:06I'm friend,
29:06I'm friend.
29:09It's the weirdest thing ever.
29:11And the first thing
29:12they always go to
29:13is mental instability.
29:15That's what they go to.
29:16The first thing,
29:17they never go with terrorism.
29:19What happened?
29:19Are we saying
29:20this was terrorism?
29:21Well,
29:21we're not going to
29:21jump to that conclusion.
29:23This was a young man
29:24who was really
29:24mentally,
29:25he was unstable,
29:26he was a troubled
29:27young man,
29:28but he was a terrorist
29:29because he committed
29:30a terrorist act,
29:31walked into a building,
29:32shot a bunch of people
29:33to try and spread
29:33a message of hatred,
29:34right?
29:35He was trying to pass
29:36something,
29:37he was trying to do something.
29:39That's an act of terror.
29:42Well,
29:43well,
29:43look,
29:43no,
29:43not necessarily.
29:44He was a troubled
29:46young man.
29:47Yes,
29:47and a terrorist.
29:50Yeah,
29:50but he was mentally
29:51unstable,
29:51just like terrorists.
29:54That's exactly
29:54what a terrorist is.
29:55There's no normal reason
29:57to blow yourself up.
29:58That is ridiculous
29:59as s**t.
30:01You're crazy.
30:06You're crazy.
30:08But you're still
30:08a terrorist.
30:09It's weird.
30:10It's almost like
30:11without realizing it,
30:11what they're saying
30:12on the news is,
30:13you know,
30:13this young white man
30:15is clearly struggling
30:16with something,
30:18I mean,
30:18because why would you
30:20forego all that privilege?
30:22Why would you?
30:24I mean,
30:24he was a young white man.
30:26Why would you
30:26throw that all away?
30:28I mean,
30:29if he was a minority,
30:30I get it,
30:30because that s**t sucks,
30:31but I mean,
30:33why would you throw it
30:33and he must be crazy?
30:37This is madness.
30:38I refuse to be part of this.
30:39I refuse to live
30:40in a world
30:41where we'll deny
30:41white people
30:42the moniker of terrorist.
30:45That's racism,
30:46people.
30:46That's what that is.
30:47If a white man
30:48through hard work
30:49and determination
30:49commits an act of terror,
30:50he deserves to be
30:51called a terrorist.
30:52He worked for it,
30:53damn it.
30:53You don't deprive him
30:54of that because
30:54of the color of his skin.
30:57You give it to him
30:57and you put him up there.
30:59Bin Walid and Charlie.
31:03It's terrible.
31:05We all have our prejudices,
31:06don't get me wrong.
31:07It's not like I,
31:07you know,
31:08I try to be better.
31:09I really do.
31:10I realize every now and again
31:11I do things
31:12that I'm not particularly
31:13proud of.
31:14Like for instance,
31:16whenever I fly
31:17into America,
31:18if I've been out of the country
31:19and flying back
31:20into America,
31:21I always try to fly
31:23on Middle Eastern airlines
31:25specifically.
31:29So I fly on Emirates
31:30or Qatar
31:30or AirTier
31:31or one of those.
31:32And the reason I do this
31:34is because I feel
31:36there's less chance
31:41that somebody
31:50that somebody
31:51and this may sound
31:52a little bit racist.
31:53You have every right
31:53to be offended.
31:54You really,
31:54I feel like there's less chance
31:56that somebody will attack
31:57one of those planes
32:01for a few reasons.
32:02Number one,
32:03because they're not
32:03proving a point.
32:05Planes already Muslim-owned,
32:07Muslim-run,
32:07they're not converting anybody.
32:09And secondly,
32:09and more importantly
32:10on my side,
32:11I think there's a small chance
32:13somebody could diffuse
32:13the situation.
32:15Someone could talk them down
32:16just because they speak
32:16the same language.
32:18That's half of terror for me
32:20is the fact that you don't
32:21understand what the person says.
32:22Guy speaking Arabic,
32:23Arabic that puts fear
32:24in the hearts of all men.
32:30You never think good things
32:31when you hear Arabic.
32:32Yeah, we've watched
32:32too many movies
32:33and TV shows.
32:34Like whenever you hear Arabic
32:35and then some bad shit happens.
32:36Immediately,
32:36that's always what happens.
32:41There's never something
32:41cool or sexy.
32:42It's never like
32:47It's never that.
32:50And so it makes you think.
32:51It makes you think
32:51a certain way.
32:52I know I'm not any different.
32:54I was on a flight,
32:55my first Middle Eastern flight.
32:58flying on an Emirates plane
33:00and this man
33:02emerged from the galley
33:03had a long beard
33:04and he was carrying a box
33:05and he just went off.
33:06He was like,
33:08And I was like,
33:18Chicken, please.
33:23Chicken.
33:25Sorry.
33:27I get really excited
33:29for chicken.
33:31I'm sorry for that.
33:33Sorry.
33:34It's like,
33:35My friend excited.
33:36You looked petrified.
33:38I said,
33:39I am.
33:39Of the flavor.
33:41Chicken.
33:42I love chicken.
33:44I love chicken so much.
33:45He's like,
33:45Oh,
33:46Is that a black thing?
33:49So that's racist.
33:57There's a little thing
33:58that makes me think
33:59there's a chance
34:00that if someone
34:01understands the language,
34:02they may be able
34:02to talk the guy down.
34:04There could be.
34:04There could be
34:05a terrorist on the plane.
34:06A guy with a suicide vest
34:08would be flying
34:0940,000 feet in the sky.
34:10A man jumps off
34:12losing his head.
34:13There he is.
34:18And just maybe,
34:19maybe some guy
34:20will be opposite him
34:20like,
34:21Hey!
34:22What are you doing?
34:26I'm going to blow up
34:27this plane
34:27to show everybody
34:28that Allah is great.
34:33Yeah,
34:33but,
34:35we know this.
34:41Everybody here
34:42knows this.
34:43So what are you doing?
34:45I wanted to show
34:46all of you
34:46the power of Allah.
34:47What are you showing us
34:47if we already know?
34:49What are you showing us?
34:50Are you saying
34:50we are not good Muslims?
34:51Is that what you're saying?
34:52Are you saying
34:53we do not know
34:53the power of Allah?
34:54Is that what you're saying?
34:55You're saying
34:55we are bad Muslims?
34:56What are you saying?
34:56No, my friend,
34:57please,
34:57I was not trying to offend you.
34:58I was just trying to kill you.
34:59Listen to what I wanted
35:00I wanted to show you.
35:01What are you showing me?
35:03Are you saying
35:03I do not praise?
35:04Is that what you're saying?
35:05You're better Muslim than me?
35:06You think I'm not good Muslim
35:07just because I'm watching
35:08Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.
35:09Is that what you think?
35:11What are you saying?
35:11No, I'm not saying
35:12I wanted to
35:13what are you showing?
35:13You show nothing.
35:14You make us look bad.
35:16Why don't you preach?
35:16Why don't you talk to people?
35:17This is not Islam.
35:18What are you doing
35:19with your stupid vest?
35:20Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
35:21You make us all look bad.
35:23No, no,
35:24I was not
35:24no, you're not trying nothing.
35:26No, you even got your vest backwards.
35:27You don't even know
35:28what you're doing here.
35:30Sorry,
35:30this is my first time.
35:32I've never done this before.
35:32Yeah, yeah,
35:33story, story,
35:34sit down,
35:35shut up,
35:35eat something.
35:36I don't know if I can
35:37no, it's all halal.
35:37You can eat it.
35:38Don't worry.
35:38You can eat it.
35:39You can eat it.
35:40All of it.
35:40Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:42Stupid.
35:42This is the chance
35:43that that could happen.
35:46This is a small chance
35:47that could happen.
35:50And that's what I do.
35:55You guys are fun, man.
35:56You really are.
35:58Thank you very much
35:59for coming on.
36:00I appreciate it.
36:06I really appreciate it.
36:08It means the world to me.
36:11And I mean that, literally.
36:13But I probably never
36:14would have traveled the world
36:15were it not for stand-up comedy,
36:16you know?
36:16I'm the first person
36:17in my family
36:17to ever board an airplane.
36:19First person in my family
36:20to ever get kicked off
36:21an airplane.
36:23I would have never,
36:24I would have never learned
36:25about America.
36:25I would have never come out
36:26to places like Washington, D.C.
36:29I would never learn
36:29to drive on the other
36:30side of the road.
36:31I would have never learned
36:31about charming racism
36:33had I not come
36:33to this beautiful country.
36:36Probably something
36:37that changed my life forever.
36:38Charming racism.
36:41Classic American
36:42charming racism.
36:45I never knew
36:46there was such a thing
36:46growing up.
36:47And I thought I knew
36:48all about racism.
36:49I always, you know,
36:50coming from the home
36:51of some of the best racism
36:52in the world.
36:53I, uh...
36:54No, and I don't mean to brag,
36:55but South Africa is by far.
36:56Like, we've got top-quality
36:58racism out there.
36:59Like, it's hand-crafted.
37:01You don't get racism
37:01like that anymore.
37:02Like, I've seen racism
37:03all over the world.
37:03To be honest,
37:04the standards have dropped.
37:05It's not what it used to be.
37:05Like, I'm talking about
37:06quality racism.
37:08You know, now it's cheap
37:08and mass-produced.
37:10Probably made in China now.
37:11I'm talking about
37:13real racism.
37:16I discovered charming racism
37:17in a place called
37:18Lexington, Kentucky.
37:22I don't know if you've ever been,
37:23but you really need to go.
37:25It's a beautiful place.
37:26Old-school, charming racism
37:28with a smile
37:29and the tip of a hat.
37:32Everyone in Lexington
37:33had this vibe.
37:34The smile,
37:35the charm,
37:35the drawl.
37:36Oh, the Southern drawl.
37:37I love it so much.
37:38They would speak out there.
37:39The grammar's horrible,
37:40but it's still beautiful.
37:42No, because the sentences
37:43don't really make sense.
37:44It'd be like,
37:44y'all ain't never done,
37:45gone seen none of them out.
37:46And it's like,
37:46that's, that's...
37:48That's not English.
37:49Your autocorrect is broken.
37:50I don't know what that is.
37:51But it's beautiful.
37:53In fact, when they speak
37:54really fast,
37:54sometimes it sounds like
37:55someone's playing a banjo
37:56inside their mouths.
37:57That's what it sounds like to me.
37:59I asked two men for directions
38:01and they started arguing.
38:02It was the most beautiful sound
38:03I've ever heard in my life.
38:04The guy was like,
38:05where you going, boy?
38:06I said, I'm going to the theater.
38:07Can you direct me?
38:08He said,
38:08oh, y'all get on the way
38:09on that road.
38:10Never done seen none of them out.
38:12And the friend was like,
38:13no, they ain't get on the way.
38:14I ain't done by,
38:14man, they don't get on the same.
38:16I'm like,
38:16they never gone done by,
38:18they don't get on me.
38:19But I ain't gone,
38:20man, they don't get on me.
38:21It was almost...
38:30It sounded like someone
38:31started a Mumford and Sons
38:32concert in their mouth.
38:34Because one minute
38:35they were talking
38:36and then they got into it
38:36and the guy was like,
38:48never gone tell you why.
38:49They got a limbo,
38:49final and then all again
38:50they'll play,
38:51get on the gown that way.
39:03Neger.
39:11The reason I'll never forget
39:12Lexington, though,
39:14is because I met a woman out there.
39:16A gorgeous, gorgeous woman.
39:18I'll never forget her
39:18till the day I die.
39:20She walks into the lobby
39:21of the theatre
39:21where I was standing
39:22with some friends
39:24and she was absolutely stunning.
39:27A classic southern belle.
39:30She had long, big, blonde hair.
39:34Giant boobs.
39:37She strutted herself
39:38into the lobby,
39:39pushing people out the way.
39:43She made her way
39:44straight for me,
39:44straight for me,
39:45came to me,
39:45pointed me in the face
39:46and she was like,
39:46excuse me, baby,
39:47excuse me, honey.
39:48May I chat to you
39:49for a moment, please?
39:51I said, yes, of course.
39:52Hi, hi, how are you?
39:53How are you, man?
39:54She said, honey,
39:55I just want to let you know
39:57that you are by far
39:59the funniest
40:02and handsomest nigger
40:03I'd have ever seen.
40:06And I was like,
40:07and I was like,
40:10I was so shocked.
40:13Because isn't it
40:14most handsome,
40:15not handsomest?
40:19The grammar
40:20is just crazy, man.
40:23You guys have been
40:24too much fun.
40:24Thank you so much
40:25for coming out tonight.
40:27I had a great time with you.
40:29Thank you very much.
40:31Come on.
Comments