Louis C.K. muses on religion, eternal love, giving dogs drugs, email fights, teachers, and more in a live performance from Washington D.C.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #louisck #louisckcomedy #louisckstandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #louisck #louisckcomedy #louisckstandup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:15Go ahead and do the lights.
00:00:27Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.
00:01:12Hello.
00:01:16Thank you, thank you very much, thank you.
00:01:23So you know, I think abortion is, here's what I think, this is what I think, I think you
00:01:41should not get an abortion unless you need one.
00:01:48In which case, in which case you better get one.
00:01:52I mean, seriously, if you need an abortion, you better get one.
00:01:59Don't fuck around.
00:02:01And hurry.
00:02:05That's not, not getting an abortion that you need is like not taking a shit.
00:02:09That's how bad that is.
00:02:11It's like not taking a shit.
00:02:13That's what I think.
00:02:15I think abortion is exactly like taking a shit.
00:02:18I think it is 100% the exact same thing as taking a shit.
00:02:25Or it isn't.
00:02:29Or it is, or it isn't.
00:02:31It's either taking a shit or it's killing a baby.
00:02:40It's only one of those two things.
00:02:43It's no other things.
00:02:47So if you didn't like hearing that it's like taking a shit, you think it's killing a baby.
00:02:51That's the only other one you get to have.
00:02:54Which means you should be holding a sign in front of the place.
00:03:01People hate abortion protesters.
00:03:02They're so shrill and awful.
00:03:04They think babies are being murdered.
00:03:08What are they supposed to be like, eh, I don't know, it's not cool.
00:03:12I don't want to be a dick about it though.
00:03:15I don't want to ruin their day as they murder several babies all the time.
00:03:22I don't think it's killing a baby.
00:03:23I don't.
00:03:24I mean, it is, it's a, it's a little bit, it's a little bit killing a baby.
00:03:28It's a little bit, it's 100% killing a baby.
00:03:32It is, it's totally killing a whole baby.
00:03:40But I think that women should be allowed to kill babies.
00:03:44That's what I think.
00:03:46They should be allowed to kill babies.
00:03:48Yeah.
00:03:51Woo!
00:03:53We get to kill babies!
00:03:58Do some shots and kill some babies.
00:04:03I killed like four babies last night.
00:04:05It was fucking retarded.
00:04:13I just think it has to be one or the other.
00:04:14You know, like when people say abortion should be legal, safe, and rare.
00:04:19Why rare if it should be legal?
00:04:22If it should be legal, it's, it's shitting.
00:04:27If it should be rare, it's murdering babies!
00:04:31But again, women should be allowed.
00:04:33Because two reasons I think women should be allowed to kill babies.
00:04:37Number one, I don't think life is that important.
00:04:41It's just not.
00:04:43It, it is not.
00:04:47People get too excited about life.
00:04:51Oh, life.
00:04:52Fuck you.
00:04:53It's not that, it's...
00:04:56Make a list of every shitty thing ever that's in life.
00:05:03Life is okay.
00:05:04I like life.
00:05:06I like it.
00:05:07I don't need it.
00:05:09I'd be fine without it.
00:05:13I like life though.
00:05:14I do.
00:05:14You know how much I like life?
00:05:15I have never killed myself.
00:05:18That's how much I like it.
00:05:20That's exactly how much I like it with a razor-thin margin.
00:05:26I like it precisely enough to not kill myself.
00:05:30It's an option though.
00:05:31It's totally an option.
00:05:32I mean, I'm 49.
00:05:33I have two kids.
00:05:35I've flipped through the brochure a few times.
00:05:41I thought I'd kill myself just to win an argument.
00:05:48You're not supposed to talk about suicide.
00:05:50Even to your shrink.
00:05:51You ever go to a shrink and they're like,
00:05:52have you had thoughts of suicide?
00:05:55And you're like, no, because if I say yes,
00:05:57you'll press a button and folks will run in and hold me.
00:06:00Hold them down.
00:06:04But you should be able to talk about it.
00:06:05It's the whole, it's what the,
00:06:06the whole world is just made of people
00:06:08who didn't kill themselves today.
00:06:11That's who's here.
00:06:14It's all of us that went, okay,
00:06:16I'll fucking keep doing it.
00:06:25It's, it's an, it's an interesting thing about life.
00:06:28Life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting,
00:06:30but you don't have to do it.
00:06:31You really don't have to do it.
00:06:33You don't have to do anything.
00:06:35You never have to do anything because you can kill yourself.
00:06:40If they send you a letter from motor vehicles,
00:06:42you have to come in and, no, I don't.
00:06:44I'll kill myself.
00:06:46You can do that.
00:06:47You can do that once, but you can do it.
00:06:55And it's interesting because even when life gets bad,
00:06:57people generally choose it over nothing.
00:07:00Even the worst versions of life, even a shitty, shitty life
00:07:03is worth living, apparently.
00:07:07Because folks are living the fuck out of them.
00:07:11You ever seen somebody?
00:07:13You're like, how did he, he should kill himself.
00:07:15Why didn't he not?
00:07:16That dude.
00:07:18You ever been driving and you look in the next car
00:07:21and you're like, oh, shit.
00:07:23I wish I hadn't looked in that car.
00:07:26That was difficult to glance at, let alone being it.
00:07:32Just a guy in a tan car.
00:07:39Nobody chooses tan.
00:07:43Nobody picks tan for their car.
00:07:46They give you tan.
00:07:49Is that mine?
00:07:50Yeah, it's yours, fucking loser.
00:07:52Made it tan.
00:07:54They shouldn't even make tan cars.
00:07:56It's mean to make them.
00:08:00You look over, you see a guy in a tan car
00:08:02with just dents all over it and a garbage bag for a window.
00:08:14What is holding up his suicide?
00:08:18What is delaying it?
00:08:20What is keeping him from stopping being that?
00:08:29And what would it take?
00:08:31What would it take?
00:08:34What would it take?
00:08:37Both windows are garbage bags?
00:08:46Seriously, do you know how much misery is involved
00:08:48in a garbage bag for a window?
00:08:50Do you know how many separate moments of shit misery
00:08:56that canceled my insurance and broke my window and duct tape?
00:09:06Here's the truth.
00:09:07Running away will not solve your problems.
00:09:09That's totally true.
00:09:10But killing yourself solves all your problems.
00:09:13It actually does.
00:09:14It even solves world problems for you.
00:09:20What about ISIS?
00:09:22Kill yourself.
00:09:24Then they'll never get you.
00:09:28Seriously, if everybody who's afraid of ISIS
00:09:30kills themselves right now, then ISIS loses.
00:09:36Because they live in a world of people that don't give a shit.
00:09:41We're going to cut his head off.
00:09:43Okay.
00:09:48It's not fun now.
00:10:02I think the worst part of being beheaded is...
00:10:08The worst thing about being beheaded is that you look really dumb right after.
00:10:12That's the worst part.
00:10:13They go like that and you're like...
00:10:18Just that's fucking dopey.
00:10:23I don't think they like beheading bald people because they can't do this thing.
00:10:26That's the best part.
00:10:28They got to go like this.
00:10:32It's not as cool.
00:10:35So just shave the top of your head and you won't have to worry about it.
00:10:44So that's the first reason.
00:10:47That's the first reason I think women should be allowed to kill babies.
00:10:53Because life is not so important.
00:10:55Second reason is because that's their job.
00:10:59Women have to decide who lives and dies.
00:11:01That's because they're the female of the species.
00:11:03In the reproductive arena, that's what the female does.
00:11:07They are the selectors.
00:11:08They have to decide this.
00:11:09We give them this responsibility when we fuck them.
00:11:13We go, here, you decide what to do with this shit.
00:11:16See you later.
00:11:20And she has to figure out if you should have kids, if she should have.
00:11:24That's her job because women have judgment.
00:11:27They have judgment.
00:11:27Men don't have judgment.
00:11:29Men have intent.
00:11:32Men just want to spray the world with their cum, just mist.
00:11:39More of me.
00:11:45More of me.
00:11:56It's her job to go, that's enough of you, I think.
00:12:00No, that's really enough.
00:12:09I don't think that face needs to repeat.
00:12:13I've seen your father, and it's not getting better.
00:12:18And sometimes she doesn't realize this until after you fuck her.
00:12:20That's actually when she really knows, is when you're like, yeah, and she's like,
00:12:24I'm not having this piece of shit's baby.
00:12:30And that's why abortion is the last line of defense against shitty people in the species.
00:12:37So we need them to abort every shitty baby.
00:12:46I mean, all animals do this.
00:12:48Animals do it late.
00:12:50They have the baby.
00:12:52And then they're like, you know what?
00:12:53It's cold.
00:12:53I'm going to eat this one.
00:13:02But when is it okay?
00:13:04When should they be allowed?
00:13:06When it's in their pussy.
00:13:08That whole time.
00:13:09It's in her pussy.
00:13:12If there's a dude in your pussy, you get to kill him.
00:13:16I think that's pretty fundamental.
00:13:18You're allowed to kill people if they're in your house.
00:13:34So that's what I think.
00:13:39I have two kids.
00:13:44I try to be a better person around my kids.
00:13:46I really do.
00:13:47I try to change my behavior around them.
00:13:50Like, I have rules in my house.
00:13:51They all apply to me.
00:13:54Like, I have a rule that I don't curse around my kids.
00:13:56It's a rule.
00:13:58It does happen.
00:13:59You know, sometimes you have a stressful moment, you know, with your kids.
00:14:02So you say something by mistake.
00:14:04Like, one time I was making dinner for my kids.
00:14:06And I gave my daughter a bowl of soup.
00:14:08And I said, uh, here's your fucking soup.
00:14:14But, uh, you can see how that was a tough situation.
00:14:27You're supposed to teach your kids right from wrong.
00:14:29I don't know.
00:14:30It's confusing, you know?
00:14:31Some people raise their kids religiously, and that kind of covers it.
00:14:34They kind of go, all this.
00:14:37Do that.
00:14:38I'm not raising my kids religiously.
00:14:40Because I don't feel like it.
00:14:43Just get up on a Sunday.
00:14:44Fuck that.
00:14:46Fuck that.
00:14:47Let your souls rot, kids.
00:14:48I don't care.
00:14:49I'm not getting it.
00:14:50Daddy, who's Jesus?
00:14:51None of your business.
00:14:52Go back to bed.
00:14:58But my kids, you know, they're living in the world.
00:15:00And there's a lot of religion in the world.
00:15:02So you do have to teach your kids, if you're not raising them religiously, you do have to
00:15:05teach them about religion, you know?
00:15:07I always tell my kids the same thing.
00:15:08I tell them that there are many religions in the world, and they're all equal.
00:15:13But the Christians are the main one.
00:15:16That's what I tell them.
00:15:17The Christians won.
00:15:19They're the winners.
00:15:21So act accordingly.
00:15:24Congratulate Christians when you meet them.
00:15:27Because they won the world.
00:15:30And it's true.
00:15:31It's true.
00:15:33We love to tell ourselves, like, every religion is exactly...
00:15:37No, no, they're not.
00:15:40The Christians won everything.
00:15:42A long time ago.
00:15:44If you don't believe me, let me ask you a question.
00:15:47What year is it?
00:15:52I mean, come on.
00:15:55What year is it according to the entire human race?
00:16:01And why?
00:16:03What year is it?
00:16:04Anybody?
00:16:04Sir, just yell out the year.
00:16:07Twenty...
00:16:08No, it's 20...
00:16:09That's right.
00:16:11It's 2017.
00:16:12What is that?
00:16:13That's a number.
00:16:14It's not just any number.
00:16:16It must be a very important number.
00:16:18Because we're counting to it in unison as a species.
00:16:23For thousands of years, we've been going one, two, three.
00:16:29Come on, everybody.
00:16:30Four.
00:16:31Now, come on, Africa.
00:16:32Five, six.
00:16:38What is this number?
00:16:40We're counting the days since what?
00:16:43Since there was ever people?
00:16:45Or since the sun did something?
00:16:50Not at all.
00:16:54It's been 2017 years since what?
00:16:57Anybody?
00:16:57Yell it out.
00:16:58Since...
00:16:59Yes, Christ!
00:17:03Christ!
00:17:06That's right.
00:17:11It's been 2017 years since Christ!
00:17:16Christ!
00:17:17Jesus!
00:17:21We are counting the days since Jesus together!
00:17:29Which makes sense if you're Christian, but what the fuck are the rest of us doing?
00:17:38Jesus was here, Jesus was here, Jesus was here, Jesus was here.
00:17:42Everybody, scientists, historians?
00:17:45Jesus!
00:17:47Jesus!
00:17:49Jesus!
00:17:50Jesus!
00:17:51Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three, Jesus plus four!
00:17:58Jesus plus 2,017 years, four months, and three days is when your license expires.
00:18:12How is that not a win for the Christians?
00:18:15How is that not a complete win?
00:18:18That's not a Monday off in October.
00:18:25That's, there was no time before Jesus!
00:18:31And the whole world's going, okay, sure.
00:18:35And then somebody was like, what about the years before him?
00:18:38There were billions, I mean, infinity.
00:18:42Those go backwards.
00:18:48You want us to measure most of history backwards?
00:18:53To accommodate one religion?
00:18:56Uh-huh.
00:18:58All right, we'll do it, it's fine.
00:19:00We'll do it.
00:19:04The whole world, you ever watch New Year's Eve around the world?
00:19:07They always show you, like, how every country celebrates.
00:19:10It's kind of cool.
00:19:11The first, there's one little island.
00:19:13It's the first place that's actually the place that it's the year.
00:19:16It's a little island in the Pacific.
00:19:18I don't forget what it's called, but the people, they do a little ceremony
00:19:20for New Year's Eve every year, and they just, they just wear grass.
00:19:24Because that's, they don't even have sticks yet.
00:19:26These are, these, they're in the grass age.
00:19:30They have no clocks, but they do a dance.
00:19:42And it goes around the world.
00:19:44Oh, it's a two-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho-tho.
00:19:52Death to all Christians in 2017.
00:20:03The Jews are quietly keeping track.
00:20:05It's really 5,766, but that's for us.
00:20:08We're just, uh, that's okay.
00:20:12We're just keeping track for when you snap out of it.
00:20:14It's all right, I'll, I'll write yours on my check.
00:20:17I don't want a problem.
00:20:22What about Chinese New Year?
00:20:24Yeah, what about Chinese New Year?
00:20:29All right, next time you're doing your taxes,
00:20:33just write monkey where the year goes.
00:20:38Just put monkey.
00:20:41See what happens to your funds.
00:20:45No, it's 2017, year of our Lord!
00:20:50Jesus-y a clock on the nose.
00:20:55And they made it up, that's the weirdest part,
00:20:57is they got to rename years that had already taken place.
00:21:02Because, you know, that's not what those years were.
00:21:04You know that, right?
00:21:05That the year three wasn't the year three.
00:21:10During the year three.
00:21:14Nobody was walking around back then.
00:21:16Hey, what year is it?
00:21:17It's three.
00:21:25Yeah, but I'm 28.
00:21:30How can I be 28?
00:21:31How can I be 28?
00:21:33There's only been three.
00:21:36Ah, well, see, you were born in BC 24.
00:21:39And there's a zero.
00:21:41Remember it went backwards?
00:21:42Oh, shit, that was stressful.
00:21:43I hated those years.
00:21:46What was that like?
00:21:48What year is it?
00:21:4910.
00:21:50What year is it now?
00:21:519.
00:21:519.
00:21:52The fuck is gonna happen?
00:22:04So I don't know what to tell my kids.
00:22:07My kids are, uh, they wanted a dog.
00:22:09So I got them a dog.
00:22:10I got them a dog this year.
00:22:11Which was a mistake.
00:22:12I shouldn't have gotten the dog.
00:22:13Because we got, first of all, we rescued a dog.
00:22:16We got an, uh, we adopted.
00:22:17Yes, you must, yes, always rescue.
00:22:22If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.
00:22:24Don't get a puppy from those horrible people
00:22:28who professionally raise dogs carefully.
00:22:33No.
00:22:36You need to just get a mystery dog
00:22:41that's been beaten and abused and traumatized on the streets of Puerto Rico
00:22:48and can't talk about it to anyone now.
00:22:52They never know.
00:22:54Do you know anything about the dog?
00:22:56Uh, she's afraid of pennies.
00:22:59So we think maybe somebody's been throwing handfuls of pennies at her face.
00:23:05But otherwise, no.
00:23:08So you take this random dog and just put it in your house with your family
00:23:14and watch their personality unfold.
00:23:22This dog is insane.
00:23:26I'll walk into the kitchen and the dog's just standing there alone like this.
00:23:33Like, you all right?
00:23:35Are you all right?
00:23:40My kids are terrified of the dog.
00:23:43My daughter goes to pet the dog.
00:23:44The dog goes like this.
00:23:45She's like, should I pet her?
00:23:46I don't think you should ever pet our dog, honey.
00:23:53So I took her to the vet.
00:23:54I took the dog to the vet to ask her what to do.
00:23:56And the vet said, listen, I think there's something you should seriously consider.
00:24:00I was like, please be saying to kill this dog.
00:24:03Please be a doctor that says the dog dies now.
00:24:09She didn't.
00:24:10She said, she said, I think you should consider Prozac for the dog.
00:24:15I was like, really?
00:24:17She said, yeah, it works.
00:24:18It calms the dog right down.
00:24:20But it's a big decision and you should think about it.
00:24:23I said, put four in her asshole right now.
00:24:27What do I have to think about?
00:24:30I don't give a shit what she's experiencing.
00:24:34Fucking fix it.
00:24:38Give her heroin.
00:24:39Shoot her up.
00:24:50Come on, puppy.
00:24:59Wow, your dog is really chill.
00:25:01Yeah.
00:25:03It only costs $400 a day to keep her like that.
00:25:11I didn't always feel this way.
00:25:13I used to love animals.
00:25:14I used to worry about animals.
00:25:16Just animals.
00:25:18When I was like 20, are all the doggies okay?
00:25:21Everywhere?
00:25:23I certainly hope so.
00:25:28But I'm 49 and I got two kids now.
00:25:30You know what happens?
00:25:31Your circle of concern tightens.
00:25:35I have four nephews.
00:25:37I don't love any of them.
00:25:43Fuck a dog.
00:25:47You know those ads like the PSA on television about abused animals?
00:25:50They show you a dog with like an empty socket.
00:25:53And he's like, ooh.
00:25:54They're always wet.
00:25:55I feel like they hose them down before they film them.
00:26:00This is, ooh.
00:26:02And the voice comes on, look at these dogs.
00:26:05These dogs are beaten every day.
00:26:09Please send us money so that this can stop.
00:26:15Are you beating up the dogs?
00:26:22How's my money fixing that?
00:26:27You ever seen that PSA where they show you a really sad man?
00:26:30He's very upset, very sad man.
00:26:31He's holding a little sign and it says, yeah, sure.
00:26:35And he says, this is the text that killed my daughter.
00:26:38Because somebody texted, yeah, sure, and ran over his kid, which is awful.
00:26:43Although maybe they were responding to a text that said, can you please kill that kid?
00:26:48And so they just wrote back and did it.
00:26:55I'm not saying that makes it better.
00:26:58I'm just saying we don't have all the information.
00:27:05My kids and I were having breakfast the other day and we're listening to NPR.
00:27:10We always listen to NPR because we're better than you.
00:27:17And so we're listening to NPR at breakfast the other morning.
00:27:20And there's this one story where they kept using this phrase.
00:27:23They kept saying 9-11 deniers.
00:27:25They kept saying that.
00:27:269-11 deniers.
00:27:28And my daughter was like, what is that?
00:27:31And I said, well, it's a group of people that think September 11th was a conspiracy.
00:27:35And she said, oh, I thought they were saying 9-11 deniers.
00:27:46Yeah, she thought they meant nine people who just ain't buying this 11 bullshit.
00:27:56Just a small fringe group, really.
00:28:00There's only nine of them.
00:28:02But they still got on NPR.
00:28:04They got on the radio because they're dedicated.
00:28:09They protest every day.
00:28:12They're the 9-11 deniers.
00:28:16They're outside of the White House.
00:28:18It goes 10, 12, 13.
00:28:23Me and my eight friends know it.
00:28:27We are the 9-11 deniers.
00:28:33We know that 11 is a bullshit number propagated on the people by the man.
00:28:43Why do we have 11 when we have 13 and 14 and 15 and 16, 17, motherfucking 18 and 19,
00:29:01but we do not have a one-team?
00:29:08What happened to one-team?
00:29:11The government took one-team and replaced it with some bullshit called 11.
00:29:21We are the 9 that deny that shit.
00:29:27Mr. President, give us back one-team.
00:29:36I don't mean to offend any Chinese people with a stereotype.
00:29:43That's right, I'm Chinese, motherfuckers.
00:29:46I'm from Beijing.
00:29:50I lived in Shanghai.
00:29:55I'm Chinese-er than a motherfucker.
00:29:58I'm going to chop sticks and whatnot.
00:30:01All right.
00:30:04I'm sorry.
00:30:07Here's the thing.
00:30:10Stereotypes are harmful.
00:30:12That's the truth, but the voices are funny.
00:30:16And I don't know how to reconcile those two facts.
00:30:20I enjoy doing the voices, but they're offensive, so I do them at home.
00:30:25I used to do them for my kids when they were little.
00:30:27They liked them.
00:30:28They didn't know it was a race thing.
00:30:29They just enjoy.
00:30:30Daddy, do the friendly man.
00:30:32You want me to be the friendly man, little girl?
00:30:37We love the friendly man.
00:30:38He loves little white girls, too.
00:30:40Let's have some scrambled eggs.
00:30:49And then they grew up, and I was like, don't talk about the friendly man.
00:30:55Maybe don't talk to your teachers about them.
00:31:02My kids go to public school in New York City, and they, yeah, all right.
00:31:08Send your kids there, then.
00:31:12No, it's good.
00:31:13It's good.
00:31:14Teach them that that's what life is like.
00:31:17The teachers amaze me, because I don't know.
00:31:20This is the worst thing about this country to me, is that there's no more noble profession
00:31:24education than to be a public school teacher.
00:31:26It's easily, please, please don't.
00:31:28You're not going to like it.
00:31:30You're not going to like where it's going.
00:31:32I don't recommend clapping at any things.
00:31:35You'll regret it at the end of the thing.
00:31:41In a democracy, there's no more noble contribution you can make than to teach in a public school.
00:31:47And in this country, the people that do that, they're fucking losers.
00:31:52They're just rock bottom fucking losers.
00:32:01And everybody knows it, but they keep doing it.
00:32:05New people are teaching every day, knowing how shitty it is.
00:32:09They show up.
00:32:10They tell them ahead of time, hi, what is this job?
00:32:13And they say, okay, here's what we need you to do.
00:32:15We need you to make children know math.
00:32:22Wow.
00:32:23Do they want to know math?
00:32:25No, they don't want to know it.
00:32:27You need to make them know it against their will.
00:32:31While they're exploding sexually and beating the shit out of each other.
00:32:41Who are these children?
00:32:43Just whatever kids live near the building.
00:32:54How much do I get paid?
00:32:56About $10 every four years.
00:33:02What if I get really good at it?
00:33:03What happens?
00:33:04Nothing.
00:33:05Nothing happens.
00:33:06Nobody notices and you get fired and you die alone.
00:33:12Okay, I'll try it for 25 years.
00:33:17My daughter's learning about Greek mythology.
00:33:20And she was asking me questions about it.
00:33:22She was like, daddy, who's Achilles' mother?
00:33:24I said, I don't fucking know.
00:33:26Don't ask me that shit.
00:33:28I don't know who Achilles' mother is.
00:33:30Don't yell it out if you know it, please.
00:33:31It can't be an expertise.
00:33:33Nobody cares what you know.
00:33:38She had a question about Achilles.
00:33:39And it was an interesting question.
00:33:40And I'll tell it to you.
00:33:41But first, the story of Achilles, real quick.
00:33:44Achilles was a baby.
00:33:46He was a Greek baby.
00:33:50He didn't stay that way.
00:33:51But when he was a Greek baby, his mother, who was a goddess,
00:33:56took him into the river Styx, which is at Hades, the land of the dead.
00:34:00And she dipped him in the water of the river Styx because there was a magical
00:34:04quality to that water that it would make you impervious of any harm.
00:34:09You couldn't be hurt.
00:34:10It was like a shield, right?
00:34:12So she dipped him in that water to protect him.
00:34:15But she held him by the heel.
00:34:17That's the important detail.
00:34:19Held him by the heel, which is an awkward way to hold a baby.
00:34:24By the heel.
00:34:26Try holding a baby by the heel and dipping it in a river.
00:34:32You will never see that baby again.
00:34:36That's how to get rid of a baby.
00:34:42I lost that baby in the water.
00:34:46I was trying to wash him and he fell in the river.
00:34:52Inside me is Achilles.
00:34:54I lose your baby.
00:34:56You told me to hold him by the heel.
00:34:59He sleep.
00:35:03Achilles' mother is a Mexican nanny.
00:35:06It's a lesser known character in Iliad.
00:35:09Anyway.
00:35:12His mother, she was able to hold on, of course, because she was a goddess.
00:35:16She was the goddess of grip or whatever.
00:35:19I don't know.
00:35:19And she held on.
00:35:21And then he was protected, except on his heel.
00:35:24His heel was not protected.
00:35:25And so that's what we call your Achilles heel.
00:35:28Your one vulnerable place.
00:35:30Everybody's got their Achilles heel.
00:35:32Achilles' Achilles heel was his heel.
00:35:37Like, literally.
00:35:44Anyway, so my daughter, here was her question.
00:35:47She said, how come his mother didn't just dip him again?
00:35:51She could have just dipped him one more time.
00:35:55With the other leg in there.
00:35:57Did she just, like, get...
00:35:59You're right there.
00:36:02Was there, like, a sign that says one dip per goddess?
00:36:06Did she ever color an Easter egg?
00:36:08It's not that complicated.
00:36:09You dip it, and then you hold it differently and dip it again.
00:36:15Smart kid.
00:36:16I-I was proud of her.
00:36:17But at the same time, I thought,
00:36:19who the fuck are you to judge this woman?
00:36:23It bothered me.
00:36:24Because here's what the story of Achilles teaches me,
00:36:27is that if you're a parent, it's never enough
00:36:30what you do for these motherfuckers.
00:36:33It's just never enough.
00:36:36It's still gonna be your fault.
00:36:39How much more do you want from a mother?
00:36:42She dipped her kid in magic water and protected 99% of his body.
00:36:48Is any of it up to him?
00:36:52He could have just wore a big shoe and be careful.
00:36:59But he goes out in sandals, fucking flip-flops.
00:37:04And a sword, and fights the whole planet.
00:37:07I'm Achilles, because my mother dipped me.
00:37:13Finally, somebody got him in the heel, and he's like,
00:37:15Mom!
00:37:20Thanks a lot, Mom!
00:37:24What's wrong, Achilles?
00:37:25My mom didn't dip my heel.
00:37:28She's so stupid.
00:37:30She ruined it.
00:37:32Fuck you, Achilles, you Greek dick.
00:37:37I hate the way people talk about their mothers.
00:37:41I was watching a football game one time, and this guy scored a bunch of
00:37:43shit, whatever, and they were excited.
00:37:46So they asked him about it afterwards, and the football player said,
00:37:49My mom died last year, but I know she was watching my game from heaven tonight.
00:37:56And I wanted to be there to say, leave your mother alone.
00:38:00How dare you?
00:38:02She's dead.
00:38:03I mean, when are you done with your fucking kids?
00:38:07When are you finished with your fucking kids?
00:38:12Even after you're dead, you still have to go to their fucking games and shit?
00:38:24Leave your mother alone.
00:38:27She did her job.
00:38:29She raised you, and it killed her.
00:38:35I mean, let her enjoy heaven.
00:38:36Don't you want your mother to enjoy heaven?
00:38:38Isn't that what you want your mom?
00:38:39To be just in heaven?
00:38:42This poor woman, the angels are like,
00:38:44We're having an angel party.
00:38:45You want to come with us?
00:38:46I can't.
00:38:47I got to watch my son's games.
00:38:50He'll be very upset.
00:38:54He can't fucking hear me.
00:38:56Why am I doing this?
00:38:58I just think when people die, it means they did their jobs, and you should forget them.
00:39:04That's what I think.
00:39:05Because it's unfair what we put on dead people.
00:39:08Are you watching over me?
00:39:10Yes, I'm watching all of it.
00:39:15You know like when you see an old couple, and they've been married for like 60 years?
00:39:20You know that kind of story?
00:39:21Everybody always loves that.
00:39:22The kind of people that always get applause based on the math of their lives.
00:39:27How long have you been married?
00:39:2860 years.
00:39:35Isn't that automatically wonderful?
00:39:39How do you know?
00:39:41You just know how long it's been.
00:39:44For 60 years, every morning he tells me I'm a piece of shit.
00:39:56But let's just say this is a happy couple, okay?
00:39:59They love each other.
00:40:01They've been married for 60 years.
00:40:03That's longer than most people really want to be alive, and they've been together that long.
00:40:08And now they're just an old couple, and they just walk together.
00:40:11You know when you see two people?
00:40:13And it's kind of lovely.
00:40:14They don't need anybody else.
00:40:15It's just the two of them.
00:40:16This is both of them.
00:40:17They just walk.
00:40:19They always walk somewhere.
00:40:20Nobody walks there.
00:40:21There's trash.
00:40:26This truck's going.
00:40:30He's wearing a suit.
00:40:31That is not a color.
00:40:36She's wearing a dress that's like a triangle, like a kid drew it.
00:40:40It's just fucking a dress with fruit on it.
00:40:43Nobody cares.
00:40:45And they just walk every day.
00:40:49It's cold.
00:40:51Yeah, it's cold.
00:40:55You want to go to the store and get a cracker?
00:40:58Yeah, let's get a cracker at the store.
00:41:13And then one day, usually he dies first.
00:41:17They're walking, and he goes,
00:41:19Ah, ah, and she says, Richard, ah, ah, Richard, ah, and he dies.
00:41:40So now it's just her, just Rose.
00:41:46And she's alone.
00:41:47Now she just stands in their house.
00:41:53Once in a while, somebody goes to get Rose because there's a wedding.
00:41:56Come on, Rose, Nadine's getting married.
00:41:59You, Nadine, it doesn't matter.
00:42:00Just fucking, come on.
00:42:05Come on.
00:42:05Fuck, come on.
00:42:08Fuck.
00:42:09I just want to push her from...
00:42:15She lives 10 more years.
00:42:1710 years after Richard dies.
00:42:20And then 10 years later now, she's laying in a bed.
00:42:22She's dying.
00:42:24Somebody's there with her on their phone.
00:42:35So Rose is dying, and she says,
00:42:38Well, at least now I get to be with my Richard forever.
00:42:45Where did she get that idea?
00:42:47Where did that come from?
00:42:49I've, I've looked it up.
00:42:51No religion teaches that when you die, you get to ruin heaven for your dead spouse.
00:42:59Why is that fair?
00:43:01Who gets...
00:43:04Richard's been dead for 10 years.
00:43:05He's been in heaven for 10 years.
00:43:08And somebody comes up to him.
00:43:10Hey, your wife is coming.
00:43:19What?
00:43:22Excuse me.
00:43:22What did you just walk up and say to me just now?
00:43:27Yeah, Rose just died.
00:43:28She'll be here in about 20 minutes.
00:43:31They just gotta hose her down and tape the wings on.
00:43:35And then you're gonna be together forever.
00:43:41Wait a minute.
00:43:42Fuck.
00:43:44You said this was heaven.
00:43:46Why is this...
00:43:48I have a girlfriend here now.
00:43:50I don't want to fucking...
00:43:53She's the love of your life.
00:43:54She's not the love of my death, motherfucker.
00:44:03That's marriage.
00:44:04Marriage is a big deal.
00:44:06Marriage is a big deal.
00:44:07I went to a wedding the other day.
00:44:09I went to a gay wedding.
00:44:10I've been to a lot of gay weddings, which is not true.
00:44:15It's not true at all.
00:44:16But I did go to one.
00:44:21But, uh, I don't go to weddings generally because I don't like them.
00:44:25I hate it.
00:44:26Don't invite me.
00:44:27Really.
00:44:27I think it's rude to invite people to your wedding.
00:44:29I really do.
00:44:30Nobody's happy to get that shit.
00:44:33You make it all pretty.
00:44:34You make it all pretty.
00:44:34And they're like, oh, fuck.
00:44:36This is gonna suck.
00:44:41Here's a helpful list of places to stay.
00:44:44Oh, great.
00:44:44I get to live in a La Quinta in Reading, Pennsylvania for three days.
00:44:53Because you want to get married for a couple of years.
00:45:00Nobody wants to watch you start your shitty thing.
00:45:03Nobody wants to see it.
00:45:06Everybody's in a shitty thing.
00:45:07That's what it is.
00:45:08That's what it is to be with somebody.
00:45:10You're either alone or you're in a shitty thing.
00:45:13That covers 100% of human beings.
00:45:18I can see there's young couples here and you're like, no, we're in a good one.
00:45:22It's really good.
00:45:24Yeah, fuck you.
00:45:24Who do you think you are?
00:45:26It just didn't get shitty yet.
00:45:30So arrogant.
00:45:31Yeah, I think we figured it out.
00:45:32No, yeah, you're the first ones.
00:45:38Of course it's gonna get shitty.
00:45:39That's part of it.
00:45:41It's like going to a horror movie.
00:45:43And in the first minute, you're like, I think they're all gonna be fine.
00:45:47No, they're all gonna die.
00:45:50And you're gonna hate the person you love right now.
00:45:53It's the way it works.
00:45:54Love plus time minus distance equals hate.
00:45:57That's just the way it goes.
00:46:01I'm not saying don't do it.
00:46:02You should do it.
00:46:03It's the best thing.
00:46:05It's the best part of life, love is.
00:46:06But don't be greedy and expect it to last.
00:46:10Don't be amazed that a butterfly died because you shot it in the face.
00:46:18Just fall in love.
00:46:20Make a fucking mess.
00:46:22It goes shitty.
00:46:23You don't realize it until too late.
00:46:24And then you cry a lot and move on.
00:46:26It's the best part of life.
00:46:28It is.
00:46:29I've always loved love.
00:46:31I've always loved this.
00:46:31One of my favorite part of life is meeting somebody and going,
00:46:35oh, shit.
00:46:37That person.
00:46:38That's the best feeling.
00:46:39Now, why the fuck would that just, oh, yeah.
00:46:43For years, for our whole lives, just, oh, yeah.
00:46:48That's insane to expect that.
00:46:52It's a little thing you get to catch.
00:46:55And then it rots and dies.
00:46:56It's just the way it goes.
00:46:59It's like if you see a person in the park making bubbles with a big wand, you know, with soap.
00:47:03And sometimes they make a really big one where everybody goes, oh, hey, hey, ah, shit.
00:47:07Okay.
00:47:08That's all.
00:47:11You don't stand over, liar!
00:47:13You don't get mad at the soap stain.
00:47:17It gets so shitty, man.
00:47:19It does.
00:47:26All the little intricate parts.
00:47:28Like, I was in an email fight recently.
00:47:31You ever been in an email fight?
00:47:32Some of you are in an email fight right now.
00:47:36You know, an email fight, not a text fight.
00:47:39A text fight is like, fuck you, boo.
00:47:42Fuck you, boo.
00:47:45Dick, boo.
00:47:48Asshole, boo.
00:47:51That's a text fight.
00:47:53An email fight is like, in June when I told you that I had this issue, I was very disappointed
00:48:01in the way you didn't listen.
00:48:06You know those emails you just work on it all night?
00:48:09Like it's the closing argument to a murder case.
00:48:12It's so important, your fucking email.
00:48:17You're pounding it out like Beethoven and you're pouring water in your head and going deaf and
00:48:23still working on it.
00:48:26And then you send it to somebody.
00:48:28Can you read this and tell me if it's fair what I wrote?
00:48:33Start at the bottom.
00:48:37And they write back, I made a few changes.
00:48:39Oh, thank you.
00:48:40That really captures my voice.
00:48:42And yet...
00:48:44And then you send it to somebody else.
00:48:46And they're like, I would take out each shit fuckface because it clouds your better points.
00:48:52And you're like, no, fuck you.
00:48:54I'm going to keep it.
00:48:58And then finally you send it.
00:49:01And you're like, hmm.
00:49:03Then you feel really good.
00:49:05I finally said it.
00:49:06Finally.
00:49:07And you have this fantasy that they're at home reading it right now going,
00:49:12oh, oh, I'm wrong about all of the things.
00:49:26And at some point during the day, they haven't written back yet.
00:49:28And you know it's because you just bewitched them.
00:49:32And you decide, I'm going to read my email.
00:49:36I'm going to read the email that I wrote.
00:49:41Is there any more disgusting modern human behavior than reading your own already sent emails?
00:49:49Is there any more scratching your asshole and smelling your finger than that?
00:49:57I do it all the time.
00:50:01So that's what I did.
00:50:02I was in an email fight.
00:50:05And I looked in the sent folder where it's all, that's it.
00:50:09It's in stone.
00:50:10You can't change that anymore.
00:50:12And I realized I left something in there by mistake.
00:50:14I left something at the top of the email by mistake.
00:50:16It said, this is my latest draft.
00:50:19What do you think?
00:50:27So now the rest of it is just shit.
00:50:30It's shit now.
00:50:32Because she knows I have a writing staff and a focus group.
00:50:38There should be credits at the end of this fucking email.
00:50:42Approved by mother and sister.
00:50:51I don't know.
00:50:51Love is worth it though.
00:50:52It really is.
00:50:54It's worth it.
00:50:55It is.
00:50:56I mean, I've always been, I've always pursued love my whole life.
00:50:59You know, even when I was a kid, I loved girls.
00:51:01I loved them.
00:51:02And it was all, when I was 12, I discovered that girls are the greatest thing.
00:51:07And I would ask them out.
00:51:08That's what I did.
00:51:09I just walked up and asked them out.
00:51:10I had no fear.
00:51:12I'd go up to any girl I liked.
00:51:13Hey, you want to go out with me?
00:51:14And she's like, no!
00:51:17Because you weren't supposed to do that.
00:51:18You weren't supposed to just ask her out.
00:51:21There was a system.
00:51:22My daughters told me it still works this way in middle school.
00:51:24There's a thing where the boy asks his friend to ask her friend to ask her what she would say
00:51:36if he asked her out.
00:51:38How do children just know this Elizabethan parlor thing?
00:51:4712-year-old boy, please inquire after her maiden friend.
00:51:53Were I to request her presence, what might be her answer?
00:52:04Indeed, my lady would enjoy your accompanist, sir, were you to make her desires now.
00:52:15That is well.
00:52:19May I finger her?
00:52:30You are bold, sir.
00:52:35And finger her you may.
00:52:44And finger her I shall.
00:52:46Aw.
00:53:27Anyway, I didn't do any of that myself.
00:53:29I just, uh, I would just ask them out.
00:53:35They always said no.
00:53:37Girls said no to me.
00:53:38Until Rachel.
00:53:40Rachel was the first girl who said yes.
00:53:42I asked her to do the dance in eighth grade,
00:53:45and she said yes.
00:53:46Happiest moment of my life.
00:53:49Even to now.
00:53:52I never beat it.
00:53:55Anyway, Rachel said yes.
00:53:57I'll go to the dance with you.
00:53:58So we went to the dance.
00:53:59I was 13.
00:54:00It was my first time with a girl.
00:54:02And about five minutes into the dance,
00:54:04she comes up to me and she says,
00:54:05do you mind if I dance with Jeff?
00:54:08I was like, okay.
00:54:11Because what are the moves that I have at 13?
00:54:15What else are you going to say?
00:54:16Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?
00:54:18Yeah, I do.
00:54:19I mind very much.
00:54:21What the fuck do you think this is, Rachel?
00:54:26You know what?
00:54:27Get your shit.
00:54:28We're leaving right now.
00:54:28Get your shit.
00:54:29Shut the fuck up, Rachel.
00:54:31I swear to God.
00:54:34I didn't have any of those tools.
00:54:38So I said, okay.
00:54:39And she danced with Jeff.
00:54:41And made out with Jeff.
00:54:43And left with Jeff.
00:54:44That was it.
00:54:46And I learned...
00:54:48By the way, that guy Jeff, this is a true story.
00:54:50That guy Jeff, he's a woman now.
00:54:53That's what happened.
00:54:54It's true.
00:54:57I was looking up on Facebook, people from my past.
00:55:00And he's a woman.
00:55:01And she has a whole blog on Facebook about becoming a woman.
00:55:04I was up all night reading.
00:55:06I was crying.
00:55:07It was amazing.
00:55:08I was like, this is incredible.
00:55:11And then at the end, there's a picture of her with hair.
00:55:14She says, I didn't change.
00:55:16I knew what I was all along.
00:55:18I knew I was a girl since I was six years old.
00:55:21And I read that.
00:55:23And I thought, why'd you take my fucking date then?
00:55:27You knew?
00:55:28You piece of shit.
00:55:29Fuck you, Jeff.
00:55:32Fuck you and your journey.
00:55:34I don't give a shit now.
00:55:35You know, hooray for transgender, but fuck you, because you're just an asshole who became
00:55:45a cunt.
00:55:46That's what happened.
00:55:54I envy transgender people, though.
00:55:56I do.
00:55:56I know it's a tough road, but I envy them on this level, that they figured out what's going
00:56:01on with them, and they fixed it.
00:56:03What an amazing gift.
00:56:05To know what the fuck is wrong with you.
00:56:09Who else gets to have that?
00:56:11It's just a mushy, I don't fucking have any idea.
00:56:15I would give a million dollars to just wake up, oh, I'm an owl.
00:56:19That's what the thing is.
00:56:23I just got to blink slow and eat a mouse.
00:56:36Because life is very confusing.
00:56:37Even if I'm 49 years old and I haven't found a cruising altitude to my identity, I'm still
00:56:42fucking confused.
00:56:45I really, I get new feelings and they upset me.
00:56:47I don't like new feelings.
00:56:49I want to know what I like and get it and just die.
00:56:52That's what I want to do at this point.
00:56:54Like, I have a weird relationship with this movie that's on cable sometimes.
00:56:58It's called Magic Mike.
00:56:59You ever seen this movie?
00:57:01Magic Mike.
00:57:01For those of you watching this on video many years from now, Magic Mike was a movie about
00:57:08male strippers starring Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum.
00:57:14And it was a very different country when it was made for whatever you're watching.
00:57:19But anyway, we had a whole other thing going on.
00:57:24This building's not here anymore.
00:57:32But you're watching it on a dusty thing and it's all rubble.
00:57:36And you're watching this.
00:57:38I don't know why you're watching this out of everything.
00:57:43But when things were real easy, we made movies like Magic Mike.
00:57:48It's just a nice movie about men who strip.
00:57:53And every time I'm flipping around and it comes on, I always stop.
00:57:58And then I play a little game of chicken with this movie.
00:58:03I stop because it's a good movie.
00:58:05It's well made, directed by Steven Soderbergh, good director.
00:58:08And so I get into it.
00:58:10I get into the story.
00:58:11And then they start stripping.
00:58:13And then I start having all these feelings.
00:58:16My face gets a little hot.
00:58:18At first I just get hostile for no reason.
00:58:21I go...
00:58:21Fucking...
00:58:23Fucking...
00:58:24Fucking...
00:58:30But then there's one part of the movie that I like.
00:58:32I have a favorite part of Magic Mike.
00:58:37So I always stick around for that part.
00:58:39It's the part where Matthew McConaughey, he's wearing leather pants, no shirt.
00:58:43And he goes,
00:58:44The law says you cannot touch.
00:58:47But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.
00:58:51Like it's that...
00:58:55It's like perfect.
00:58:57It's the way he rolls out of them.
00:58:59I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.
00:59:03I just really like that.
00:59:06I like it.
00:59:09And when the movie comes on, I'm always like,
00:59:10All right, let's get to where he says that.
00:59:13And then he says it, and I'm like,
00:59:14It's fucking good.
00:59:15It's really good.
00:59:18I like it a lot.
00:59:20Here's how much I like it.
00:59:21I don't really do impressions,
00:59:22And I kind of nail that one
00:59:24Because I think about it all the time.
00:59:31I'm walking around my house,
00:59:33And I go up to my dog,
00:59:44But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers right here.
00:59:51I like that part.
00:59:54And then after he says it,
00:59:55All these strippers come on,
00:59:56Matthew McConaughey,
00:59:57All these strippers,
00:59:58Channing Tatum comes out,
01:00:00Fucking...
01:00:07And then I go like,
01:00:08Fuck!
01:00:09And then I have to stop.
01:00:11Because I'm starting to get a feeling.
01:00:14I'm just starting to get,
01:00:16Like, a feeling.
01:00:17It's not a boner.
01:00:18It's not a boner.
01:00:20But I can feel my dick
01:00:22Starting to turn over a little bit.
01:00:25Just starting to...
01:00:29You know when you can feel your dick
01:00:30Kind of unfold?
01:00:38It's like a pool toy
01:00:40That's been blowing up for a while.
01:00:42The wrinkles are starting to come out.
01:00:44It's taking shape.
01:00:45It's like...
01:00:53Just that early.
01:00:55My dick's just waking up.
01:01:00What are you guys doing here?
01:01:07Anyway, I've never watched the whole movie.
01:01:08I've never seen Magic Mike in its entirety.
01:01:12Because I don't want to see it.
01:01:13I don't want to see the end of Magic Mike.
01:01:15I know what the end of Magic Mike is.
01:01:17I'm pretty sure
01:01:19That the end of Magic Mike
01:01:20Is that I'm gay.
01:01:29Pretty sure that's how it ends.
01:01:33I don't want to see the ending.
01:01:35I want to stay like this.
01:01:37You know why?
01:01:38Because I'm 49 years old.
01:01:40I don't want to enter the gay community now.
01:01:44This is not the version of me
01:01:46That's going to have an awesome time
01:01:48As the new gay guy.
01:01:52So fuck that.
01:01:54And that's my right, by the way.
01:01:56Because that's about me.
01:01:58That is my life.
01:01:59I would never discriminate against another person
01:02:02For being gay.
01:02:02I wouldn't dream of it.
01:02:03But I have every right
01:02:04To oppress
01:02:06And discriminate against
01:02:08My own possible budding homosexuality.
01:02:12That's mine
01:02:13To just violently push down
01:02:20Like it's a dude
01:02:22I'm trying to make
01:02:23Blow me right now.
01:02:32And you know
01:02:33I haven't become like
01:02:34Generally attracted to men
01:02:36I'm not sexually attracted to men
01:02:38Just Matthew McConaughey
01:02:40And Channing Tatum
01:02:42Those two guys
01:02:44Fuck
01:02:45Fuck
01:02:46Seriously
01:02:48Matthew with his like
01:02:51Leathery skin
01:02:52He's like
01:02:52Just
01:02:57Fucking sexy
01:02:58And Channing
01:03:01Kind of dumb face
01:03:02Like
01:03:02Oh shit
01:03:04Oh fuck
01:03:07I like it
01:03:12But men in general
01:03:13I'm not into it
01:03:14It's just these
01:03:14You know what I think it is
01:03:16I'm only gay for the best
01:03:21I'm top shelf gay
01:03:24I'm not retail gay
01:03:25You know what I mean
01:03:26I'm not off the rack gay
01:03:29I'm not gonna go to JCPenney's
01:03:30And suck a bunch of dicks
01:03:33I'm gonna go to Neiman Marcus
01:03:35And get this signature collection
01:03:39Platinum dick
01:03:41The best
01:03:42The best dick
01:03:46Cause I'll try the best anything
01:03:49If it's the best one
01:03:50I'll try it
01:03:52Like I don't like cognac
01:03:53I would never buy a bottle of
01:03:54Hennessy
01:03:55And keep it in my house
01:03:57But I had never tried the best cognac
01:03:59If somebody was like
01:04:00Would you like to try
01:04:01This cognac
01:04:02This cognac was 500 years old
01:04:06300 years ago
01:04:09Like yeah
01:04:10Fucking give me that
01:04:13Like if somebody asked me
01:04:14To go to a Kenyan restaurant
01:04:15I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant
01:04:17I know all the foods that I like
01:04:19But if somebody was like
01:04:20This is the best Kenyan restaurant
01:04:22It takes six months
01:04:23To get a reservation
01:04:24I can get you in
01:04:26They fly live turtles in
01:04:29And you eat
01:04:30You bite off its screaming face
01:04:32While it's alive
01:04:36And every turtle you eat
01:04:38Is the last of his species
01:04:43Can't wait to eat
01:04:44That fucking turtle
01:04:46And end his people
01:04:48With my mouth
01:04:51The best
01:04:52I'll try it
01:04:53If somebody was like
01:04:53We have a guy here
01:04:54He has the best dick
01:04:57The best dick ever
01:05:00His dick has been
01:05:00Soaking in olive oil
01:05:02Since he was five years old
01:05:08We've been feeding him
01:05:09Nothing but butter
01:05:10And penises
01:05:10This whole life
01:05:15He is the best dick
01:05:16And you can suck it
01:05:17Right now
01:05:28Well let me see it
01:05:31Can I see it
01:05:33Can you take it out
01:05:36Oh shit
01:05:37That's beautiful
01:05:38Oh my god
01:05:39That's my favorite thing now
01:05:41Fuck
01:05:41I shouldn't have looked at it
01:05:44Just bring it closer
01:05:45I don't know what I'm going to do
01:05:47But bring it closer please
01:06:15I think at that point
01:06:16When you put it in your mouth
01:06:17Right
01:06:18If you're looking at the best dick ever
01:06:20And you're not sure
01:06:22You want to suck it
01:06:23Just put it in your mouth
01:06:25And then decide
01:06:26Just for like 20 seconds
01:06:29That's a long time
01:06:30That's 20
01:06:3020 seconds
01:06:32That's a long time
01:06:34To have a dick in your mouth
01:06:36That you're ambivalent about
01:06:4020 seconds
01:06:41If you have a dick in your mouth
01:06:41For 20 seconds
01:06:42You are not deciding
01:06:4720 seconds
01:06:47I'll show you
01:06:48It's 20 seconds
01:06:49With a dick in your mouth
01:07:11Nah
01:07:12Nah
01:07:15Nah
01:07:16Yeah
01:07:18I decided not to suck that dick
01:07:21That's been in my mouth
01:07:22All day
01:07:27I don't like dicks
01:07:28That's why I'm not gay
01:07:30That really is the reason
01:07:31I hate dicks
01:07:31Penises are very disgusting to me
01:07:34To me
01:07:35I don't want to yuck your yum
01:07:36I just think they're gross
01:07:38I always hated penises
01:07:40I hated my father's penis
01:07:41I did
01:07:42I did
01:07:43I hated my father's penis
01:07:44Well when you're a little boy
01:07:45Sometimes you gotta see
01:07:46Your dad's dick
01:07:48If you go to a restaurant
01:07:49You're probably gonna see
01:07:49Your dad's dick
01:07:53I should explain that right
01:07:55That's
01:07:55That sounds like
01:07:56I have a weird father
01:08:00Alright we're going out to eat
01:08:01Everybody take a look
01:08:08No sometimes
01:08:10If you go to a restaurant
01:08:11With your family
01:08:12When it's time to pee
01:08:13You go pee with your dad
01:08:14If you're a little boy
01:08:16If you go to a ball game
01:08:17With your dad
01:08:17I remember there was just
01:08:18There was never urinals
01:08:19It was just a trough
01:08:21And the little boys
01:08:22And the men
01:08:23Stand there together
01:08:24And the men are just
01:08:25Standing there
01:08:26And we're down here
01:08:27The little boys
01:08:29And the dicks are eye level
01:08:31Just horrible
01:08:34Pissing dicks
01:08:35In both directions
01:08:36Like a chorus line
01:08:38Just
01:08:39And my dad
01:08:45Had the worst dick
01:08:47He had the worst
01:08:50Because my dad
01:08:51First of all
01:08:51My father's Mexican
01:08:52It's true
01:08:53My father is Mexican
01:08:55I'm not
01:08:57I'm not Mexican
01:08:58My father is
01:09:00Just because some Mexican
01:09:02Fucked my mom for years
01:09:03Doesn't make me a Mexican
01:09:06Just makes her a whore
01:09:11But anyway
01:09:12My dad
01:09:14My father had a Mexican
01:09:17Catholic
01:09:18Uncut
01:09:19Raw
01:09:22Organic
01:09:23Local
01:09:25Fucking
01:09:27Free range
01:09:28Mexican
01:09:29Dick
01:09:29It was just so basic
01:09:31It was like a
01:09:31Farmer's market yam
01:09:33Just sticking out
01:09:34Like a tamarindo pod
01:09:37And the pee would
01:09:38Spray out of it
01:09:39I'm like
01:09:39Dad open your dick
01:09:41Before you pee out of it
01:09:45It's like you're pissing
01:09:46Out of the corner
01:09:46Of a pillowcase
01:10:00And my dad's life is
01:10:01My dad's had a weird life
01:10:03Too
01:10:08When I was ten years old
01:10:09My parents got divorced
01:10:09And my dad turned into a Jew
01:10:12And I mean he
01:10:14Converted
01:10:17To Judas
01:10:17He didn't turn into a Jew
01:10:20It's not like my dad
01:10:21Was like
01:10:28He
01:10:32Converted
01:10:33To Judaism
01:10:36And I had friends
01:10:38Who were Jewish
01:10:38And I knew that
01:10:39They had little clip
01:10:40Dicks
01:10:41Little
01:10:41Little neat
01:10:43And then I remembered
01:10:44My father's alligator claw
01:10:46Of a penis
01:10:50I really hate penises
01:10:51That's really my problem
01:10:52With being gay
01:10:52That's why I'm not gay
01:10:53Men are fine
01:10:55I'd like to have a boyfriend
01:10:56That would be nice
01:10:58I would
01:10:59Every time I hear somebody
01:11:00Say my boyfriend
01:11:01I'm always like
01:11:02I want a boyfriend
01:11:05Why can't I have a boyfriend
01:11:07I'd like to have a big tall boyfriend
01:11:14That's my boyfriend
01:11:16That's my boyfriend
01:11:18I'm mad at my boyfriend
01:11:22I get to wear his jacket
01:11:24It's all big on me
01:11:25I'm like
01:11:26That's my boyfriend's jacket
01:11:32I feel safe
01:11:35I know I would like it
01:11:36I would like to have
01:11:37A big dude in my life
01:11:40Comes up behind me
01:11:41Like this
01:11:41I'm like
01:11:41Hi
01:11:44Like I know
01:11:45That would be nice
01:11:48But in order to get
01:11:48All those parts
01:11:50You have to have
01:11:50A fucking cock
01:11:51Shove up your asshole
01:11:52Like a hard dick
01:11:55Ramming in your ass
01:11:56Ah
01:11:57Oh fuck
01:11:59Oh
01:12:00I just wanted to wear
01:12:02Your jacket
01:12:06Thanks a lot you guys
01:12:08You were great
01:12:09Thank you very very much
01:12:32Thank you
01:13:03Thank you
01:13:51Thank you
01:14:16Thank you
01:14:26Thank you
Comments