Comedian Ali Wong performs her live stand-up set at Toronto's Winter Garden Theatre.
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00:00:07Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Ally Wall!
00:00:46Oh my goodness, I heard a rumor that all of the Asians in this city
00:00:59have congregated in this theater tonight.
00:01:08Thank you for coming with your white boyfriends.
00:01:12I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
00:01:20I'm so excited to be here.
00:01:22I have not been performing that much at all in the past two years,
00:01:31because two years ago I gave birth to a baby girl.
00:01:41And when I first started to come back out to do stand-up, the other stand-up comics,
00:01:49they couldn't believe it.
00:01:50They were like, oh my God, Ally, what are you doing here?
00:01:57Didn't you just have a baby?
00:02:01I was like, listen, I've been with my baby girl since she was born, all day, every day.
00:02:11And I love her so much.
00:02:17But I'm on the verge of putting her in the garbage.
00:02:31I need to be here to miss her.
00:02:35So that I don't go to jail.
00:02:42It's so sexist when people ask me, well, if you're here, then who's taking care of the baby?
00:02:53Who the fuck do you think is taking care of the baby?
00:03:04The TV is taking care of the baby, okay?
00:03:08The windows are open.
00:03:10She's got gummy vitamins on her lap.
00:03:12She's fine.
00:03:16I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks.
00:03:24I like the stay-at-home part.
00:03:32Not too crazy about the mom aspect.
00:03:35That shit is relentless.
00:03:38I was stupid and naive.
00:03:40And I thought that being a stay-at-home mom was about chillaxing.
00:03:44Getting to shit in your own home.
00:03:47Watch Wendy Williams and go out to brunch with your sassy girlfriends.
00:03:54I did not understand that the whole price you have to pay for staying at home is that you gotta
00:04:00be a mom.
00:04:03Oh, and that's a job.
00:04:06It's a whack-ass job.
00:04:09You get no 401 , no coworkers.
00:04:13You're just in solitary confinement all day long with this human Tamagotchi.
00:04:22That don't got no reset button, so the stakes are extremely high.
00:04:33A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby.
00:04:39Okay?
00:04:40Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos.
00:04:44With the human baby, you just have to guess and check your intuition by sniffing its ass.
00:04:5426 times a day, and you can't phone it in and sniff it from afar.
00:04:58You really gotta flip the baby over, plant your face in the baby's ass, and give it a good yoga
00:05:04inhale with your mouth and everything.
00:05:06Because the inside of your nose has been singed from all the poopoo smelling.
00:05:15That's how I know I love my baby more than anybody else in the entire world.
00:05:21I told my husband, till death do us part.
00:05:25And not once have I ever sniffed his ass to check if he shit his pants.
00:05:46I've licked it, but I haven't sniffed it.
00:05:57Because sniffing it would be disgusting!
00:06:00Okay, and if you haven't licked ass yet, grow up.
00:06:03Grow the fuck up.
00:06:05And learn how to be in a long-term committed, lasting relationship full of love.
00:06:11Where you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.
00:06:24My dream, my goal for the longest time was to be a trophy wife.
00:06:30But then I found out that in order to be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy.
00:06:39I am more of a commemorative plaque.
00:06:47I joined a moms group in Los Angeles.
00:06:52Yeah, I don't find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun.
00:06:58But when you're a new mom on maternity leave, it's like the walking dead.
00:07:03You just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.
00:07:11I used to hate on other moms for the clothes that they wore.
00:07:16You know, these fucking clothes that moms wear.
00:07:19All that cheesy ass animal print and loud metallic shiny shoes.
00:07:27And now I see something that's bedazzled in rhinestones.
00:07:32And I'm like, oh, that looks nice.
00:07:36I think I'm gonna get that.
00:07:38The more glitter, the better.
00:07:40Because when you're a mom, you need sparkle.
00:07:46To compensate for the light inside of you that has died.
00:07:58A lot of young women have anxiety about giving birth.
00:08:03Well, let me tell you something.
00:08:07Giving birth ain't nothing compared to breastfeeding.
00:08:16Breastfeeding is brutal.
00:08:18It is chronic physical torture.
00:08:20I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony.
00:08:24Where I would feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow.
00:08:29And bunnies would gather at my feet.
00:08:31While the fat Hawaiian man version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow would play.
00:08:42No!
00:08:44It's not like that at all.
00:08:46Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.
00:08:54It don't belong to you no more.
00:08:58When my baby girl would get hungry,
00:09:01she'd yank my nipple back and forth,
00:09:03like that bear fucking up Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant.
00:09:09It's frightening. I saw that movie,
00:09:11and my nipples were like, I feel you, Leo.
00:09:21I didn't take any classes on breastfeeding
00:09:24because I assumed it was just gonna be
00:09:27this very easy, intuitive thing
00:09:29where the baby sucks on your nipple like a straw,
00:09:33and the nurse promised me
00:09:35that I would have a particularly easy time
00:09:38since my nipples look like fingers.
00:09:46You can spin DVDs on them.
00:09:48That's how command hook-like they are.
00:09:58But apparently you have to get the baby
00:10:00to latch on at a very specific angle.
00:10:03You gotta tilt their head and do geometry
00:10:06to get them on properly.
00:10:08And it's very stressful
00:10:09because when they're hungry and they're crying,
00:10:11it makes your hormones spray milk.
00:10:13All over their face and their neck,
00:10:16which then become very slippery and hard to grip.
00:10:18And then you gotta, you gotta slam them on
00:10:20at just the right time.
00:10:21And every time I would do it,
00:10:23it was like parallel parking.
00:10:25I don't know how I did it.
00:10:28It's a mystery.
00:10:29I was never properly trained, but I just did it.
00:10:32I just went back and forth and back and forth
00:10:34and back and forth until all of these
00:10:37very concerned strangers start gathering outside of my car.
00:11:01Asian women's cars are so helpful and so racist at the same time.
00:11:12I'm always like,
00:11:13thank you, thank you, but fuck you.
00:11:18For assuming correctly about me.
00:11:23I could not have done this without you.
00:11:32My mom saw me struggle with breastfeeding and she was very discouraging about it.
00:11:41And she was like, why are you breastfeeding?
00:11:44I raised you on formula and look how shiny your hair is.
00:11:53She was like, are you falling for that bullshit slogan, breast is best?
00:12:01I was like, no, I do it because breast is free.
00:12:10Come on, mom, you know what it is.
00:12:14Local, organic, free range, farm to mouth melt, squirting out of my titties.
00:12:20It was squirting out of like 15 holes in each titty like the Bellagio fountain.
00:12:25Just whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
00:12:32For free.
00:12:33My body was a food factory.
00:12:36I wasn't about to let that all go to waste.
00:12:40If you shat juicy hamburgers.
00:12:49Would you ever wait in line at In-N-Out again?
00:12:55No, you would pop a squat over your husband's head every morning.
00:13:01And tell him to open wide.
00:13:06Because breakfast is on the way.
00:13:10Animal style.
00:13:13Yeah, you'd be like, I got your secret menu right here.
00:13:17Work, work, work, work, work.
00:13:27I had to stop breastfeeding after eight and a half months.
00:13:32I could not take it anymore.
00:13:35By the end, I felt like the giving tree.
00:13:38I used to not understand what that depressing-ass book was about.
00:13:44And now I know it's about breastfeeding.
00:13:48It's about a mom who used to have
00:13:51all of these beautiful branches and apples.
00:13:55And then this little freeloader comes into her life,
00:13:58takes all of her shit,
00:14:00and then she just becomes a sad-ass tree stump with deflated titties.
00:14:09People kept on asking me,
00:14:12Ally, how did you get so skinny after the baby?
00:14:15She sucked the life out of me!
00:14:22As it turns out, breastfeeding is not free
00:14:26because you have to buy all of these pillows and pumps
00:14:30to support your breastfeeding.
00:14:32And then you might get a clogged duct.
00:14:35That's when you get like a traffic jam,
00:14:38kidney stone in your titty.
00:14:39And then you have to call a lactation consultant.
00:14:43A lactation consultant is a white NPR listener with dreadlocks...
00:14:52...named Indigo...
00:14:54...that you have to pay $200 to rush over to your house
00:14:58and Roto-Rooter your titty.
00:15:01Indigo had me do push-ups,
00:15:04dipping my titty in and out of a bowl of scalding hot water
00:15:08and then beat my titty like this in the interim.
00:15:15This is why women need maternity leave!
00:15:23In every other first world country,
00:15:27Canada, France, Germany,
00:15:30women get up to three years off paid maternity leave
00:15:34when they have a new baby.
00:15:35In the U.S. we get jack shit.
00:15:39In the U.S. there is zero federal policy for maternity leave.
00:15:43Maternity leave is not just to bond with the baby,
00:15:46fuck the baby!
00:15:49Maternity leave is for new moms to hide and heal
00:15:52their demolished-ass bodies!
00:16:01I couldn't go back to work,
00:16:04topless, beating my wet titty,
00:16:05trying to establish dominance over all my coworkers!
00:16:09You get fired!
00:16:15People don't tell you about all the crazy shit that goes down
00:16:19when you get pregnant.
00:16:21When you give birth, when I was pregnant,
00:16:24a lot of other moms had highly recommended to me,
00:16:27Allie, now you make sure at the hospital
00:16:30to steal a bunch of the free diapers.
00:16:36Yeah, duh, I know. For the baby.
00:16:38No. For you.
00:16:49For me, what the fuck do I need diapers for?
00:16:53Oh, you'll see.
00:16:59Winter is coming.
00:17:09And indeed, I did see.
00:17:12Nobody told me about all the crazy shit that comes out of your pussy
00:17:16after you give birth.
00:17:17You know what happens after the baby comes out?
00:17:19You know what else exits?
00:17:22Her house.
00:17:28Her living room, her pillows, the Bob Marley poster,
00:17:34all the food that went bad in her refrigerator.
00:17:37For months!
00:17:39So then you have to wear this cartoonishly large pad
00:17:42that's like the size of a toddler mattress,
00:17:44and it's only held up by the strength of this mesh fishnet underwear
00:17:49that's exclusively available at the hospital.
00:17:53You can't get that shit on Amazon or anything,
00:17:56so you gotta snatch that shit every day.
00:17:59It's made out of the same material that they package fancy Korean pears in.
00:18:12It's very dak biit, okay?
00:18:15Number one extra large dak biit hospital underwear.
00:18:23For three months, I was walking around my house with a topknot, giant diaper, nipples, bleeding.
00:18:30Like a defeated sumo wrestler.
00:18:41I had a C-section.
00:18:45Yeah.
00:18:47Which was not the original intention.
00:18:50But I was having contractions for 24 hours.
00:18:56Yeah.
00:18:57And then I was like, cut it out.
00:19:04The nurse was like, keep going.
00:19:07I was like, bitch, I said, cut it out.
00:19:09Your price is way too high.
00:19:11You need to cut it.
00:19:12Cut it.
00:19:13Cut it.
00:19:14You need to cut it.
00:19:21The nurse was not a big hip-hop fan, so...
00:19:24She did not appreciate that, or my Dave Coulier reference.
00:19:31Look, a C-section is no joke, okay?
00:19:35It is major surgery.
00:19:37But it's very fast.
00:19:39They put the anesthesia in your back,
00:19:42and then they put up this curtain
00:19:45so that your husband can only see your human side
00:19:48and not your cadaver side.
00:19:56And then ten minutes later, they hold the baby above the curtain
00:19:59like bloody Simba, and it's over.
00:20:02And it's done.
00:20:06I was like, why the fuck did I do all that pushing for
00:20:10when there was this perfectly good emergency exit?
00:20:19I mean, one of my best friends, God bless her,
00:20:22she was in labor for 72 hours.
00:20:27The baby's head kept on going in and out
00:20:29and in and out and in and out.
00:20:34And then she still had to have
00:20:37an emergency C-section.
00:20:42Before that shit went down,
00:20:44my friend was the kindest,
00:20:49most polite, dainty lady
00:20:51who would never burp in front of anybody.
00:20:55After that shit went down,
00:20:57she became the most bitter, nasty, raw-ass bitch
00:21:01I have ever met in my life.
00:21:03I went to her house to pay her a visit.
00:21:06Shortly after, she opens the door.
00:21:09Look at my pussy, Allie. Look at this shit.
00:21:10Look at that!
00:21:18No, hello, Allie. Welcome.
00:21:21Come meet my beautiful new baby.
00:21:23No, just, come on, you look at this shit!
00:21:27You look at what happened to me!
00:21:31You look at this shit!
00:21:33With the door open in front of the entire cul-de-sac to see.
00:21:37Come out!
00:21:47And her pussy looked crazy!
00:21:53It looked cuckoo for cuckoo puffs.
00:21:57When I saw it, I was like...
00:22:01Because her pussy straight up looked like two hanging dicks side by side.
00:22:11In the process of giving birth to one baby girl,
00:22:14my friend became two dudes.
00:22:20You could French braid that shit.
00:22:22It was like a Star Wars monster.
00:22:25I mean, women, we're not accustomed to seeing each other's pussies in the first place.
00:22:30It's not like men at the urinal, where you're like,
00:22:32hey, what's up, dude? What's going on?
00:22:35You're holding your dicks in your hands in front of each other.
00:22:38We're never just like going to the bathroom,
00:22:40what's up, girl, holding our pussies.
00:22:41It's casual.
00:22:42I like your manicure.
00:22:49I told her that she had turned into two dudes.
00:22:57And she started laughing.
00:23:00But then she started to get also extremely upset.
00:23:05And she was like, please, do not make me laugh.
00:23:08Do not make me laugh.
00:23:11And then with one hand, she had to grab a pillow and press it against her c-section scar.
00:23:18And then with the other hand, she had to pinch the dicks together to make sure that the carne asada
00:23:34wouldn't fall out of the taco and become nachos on the floor.
00:23:46You see, this is why women need maternity leave.
00:23:50Yeah.
00:23:51You better pay her ass, too.
00:23:54My friend couldn't go back to work with her meat curtains dragging on the floor like the train of a
00:23:59sad-ass wedding dress.
00:24:00You can't litigate like that.
00:24:03Ain't no Spanx gonna tuck that shit in.
00:24:11I told her all of that, too, and she started laughing more.
00:24:16And, you know, she was like, she was pinching and she was pressing and repressing the laughter.
00:24:24And it got to be too much.
00:24:26And then all of this gas gurgled up in her system and she let out this fat-ass queef that
00:24:32dried out my eyeballs.
00:24:33And then all of this gas gurgled up in her mouth and she was like, ah!
00:24:36Ah!
00:24:38Ah!
00:24:42Ah!
00:24:53Ah!
00:25:08Ah!
00:25:09Ah!
00:25:09Ah!
00:25:10Ah!
00:25:10Ah!
00:25:11Ah!
00:25:11Ah!
00:25:13Ah!
00:25:13Ah!
00:25:28Many benefits to a C-section, okay?
00:25:32Catheter, I had never had a catheter in my life.
00:25:37A catheter is a tube that they hook up to your pee-pee hole,
00:25:41and you just lie there.
00:25:44And then all of a sudden, this bag of piss shows up next to your bed,
00:25:52and then this kind Filipino lady named Joya Bell Esperanza Purificación Santo Domingo Ordonez Borlaza
00:26:00comes in to take it out.
00:26:03And you're like, Nurse Joya Bell, whose piss is that?
00:26:06And she's like, that's yours.
00:26:09And you're like, oh, my God, that's mine?
00:26:12I did not even feel it go out.
00:26:14The catheter, it just carries it out.
00:26:16And I was like, oh, my God.
00:26:18In my life, I could have accomplished so much more
00:26:22had I had a catheter attached to me this entire time.
00:26:32A lot of people like to ask me,
00:26:37Allie, how on earth do you balance family and career?
00:26:45Men never get asked that question
00:26:50because they don't.
00:27:00They just neglect the child for like 90% of the day,
00:27:05and that's perfectly socially acceptable.
00:27:07But the standards for dads are so low
00:27:11that they get so much praise for doing so little.
00:27:16My husband occasionally changes diapers,
00:27:20and when people hear that,
00:27:22Oh, my God, confetti everywhere!
00:27:25I cannot believe that your husband changes diapers!
00:27:30What a doting modern father!
00:27:33Lucky you!
00:27:37When my baby girl was first born,
00:27:40I would do skin-on-skin contact every day
00:27:44to bond with her.
00:27:49She shit on my chest.
00:28:01Where's my confetti at?
00:28:13I'll tell you how I balance family and career.
00:28:17Real talk?
00:28:19I have a nanny.
00:28:20That's it.
00:28:21That's the answer.
00:28:22Yes, it's very unlikable
00:28:25and unpopular to broadcast that
00:28:27because not everybody can afford a nanny.
00:28:31It's super expensive.
00:28:33It's expensive for me and my husband.
00:28:35So the both of us, we have to hustle.
00:28:38We have to work very hard
00:28:39to not take care of our child ourselves.
00:28:47I'm all about putting the oxygen mask on myself
00:28:50before I put it on my baby.
00:28:52I like that protocol.
00:28:53I like that philosophy very much.
00:28:57When the stewardess tells me to make sure to do that,
00:29:01I'm always like,
00:29:02yeah, I was gonna do that.
00:29:05I got no problem with that.
00:29:11I'm so jealous of Mexican people,
00:29:15Mexican culture.
00:29:16They don't need no nannies
00:29:18because you know who takes care of the baby?
00:29:21The other baby.
00:29:26Hermana, tia, abuela,
00:29:29sobrina, prima,
00:29:31second prima,
00:29:33bounce house.
00:29:34The baby is just born into child care.
00:29:39I want to be Mexican in my next life.
00:29:42Don't nobody have more fun than Mexicans.
00:29:44I used to live at Crenshaw and Pico.
00:29:48Yes, if you don't know,
00:29:50Crenshaw and Pico is this magical corner
00:29:53in the hood of Los Angeles
00:29:54where Guadalajara meets Korea
00:30:00and the Mexicans and the Koreans
00:30:03are in constant racial warfare
00:30:06and their weapons are
00:30:08loud music versus frowning.
00:30:19Mexicans know how to prioritize family and fun.
00:30:23They take their kids to Disneyland
00:30:25all the time.
00:30:27And now to accommodate,
00:30:29there is all of this Spanish at Disneyland.
00:30:32Every ride begins with
00:30:34ladies and gentlemen.
00:30:36For your safety,
00:30:38please keep your arms and hands
00:30:39inside the vehicle at all times.
00:30:43Damas y caballeros,
00:30:46por favor, mantenga los manos
00:30:47y los abrazos entre la coche.
00:30:50Y por favor, no fumas.
00:30:54Porque es groso y peligroso, ¿ok?
00:30:58Ok, y los empleados
00:30:59deben lavarse las manos
00:31:01antes de regresar al trabajo, ¿ok?
00:31:04Ok, ten cuidado.
00:31:05Ten mucho cuidado,
00:31:07porque hay tacos de lengua,
00:31:08hijos de puta manzana.
00:31:14Late at night when all the world
00:31:17is sleeping.
00:31:22Yes, that's how Mexican Disneyland has gotten.
00:31:26They play Selena on Pirates of the Caribbean.
00:31:31The haunted mansion is now called
00:31:33Dia de los Muertos.
00:31:37And what was formerly known
00:31:38as Splash Mountain
00:31:40is now
00:31:40Esplash Mountain.
00:31:50Our nanny is 62 years old.
00:31:55Yes, I would never accept anything
00:31:59younger than 62 years old.
00:32:09If you are hiring a 25-year-old
00:32:13pretty young thing to be your nanny,
00:32:16you a dumbass.
00:32:20Do you not read People magazine?
00:32:22You don't know what's up?
00:32:24That's inviting a marriage grenade
00:32:25into your home.
00:32:28When you have a newborn baby,
00:32:30your marriage is very weak
00:32:32because you're both stressed out,
00:32:34you look like shit
00:32:35because you don't shower no more,
00:32:36you're resentful of each other.
00:32:38Whose idea was it
00:32:39to bring this new roommate
00:32:40into the world?
00:32:43Your marriage is very vulnerable
00:32:45and easy for an outsider
00:32:47to invade and colonize.
00:32:52If we had hired
00:32:54a 25-year-old man
00:32:57who was...
00:33:01not ugly...
00:33:09great with my daughter
00:33:11and said yes
00:33:12immediately
00:33:13to every chore
00:33:14I asked him to do
00:33:16with a positive attitude...
00:33:22Oh, you best believe
00:33:23that I would eat
00:33:25the shit
00:33:26out of his butthole.
00:33:32Every day.
00:33:33Every day would be
00:33:35an all-day nanny
00:33:36butthole buffet.
00:33:37I don't care
00:33:38if his 25-year-old
00:33:40buttcheeks
00:33:41got all nervous
00:33:42and clenched up
00:33:43and clothes on my face
00:33:44like elevator doors,
00:33:45I would get in there
00:33:46and just...
00:33:55like Jack Nicholson
00:33:56in The Shining.
00:34:17A lot of people
00:34:19also often ask me,
00:34:21Ally,
00:34:22what on earth
00:34:23do your parents
00:34:25think about
00:34:26your stand-up comedy?
00:34:30Now,
00:34:31that's a very
00:34:32racially charged
00:34:34question, right?
00:34:35Like, what they're
00:34:36really asking is,
00:34:37what do your
00:34:38oppressive Asian parents
00:34:40who beat you
00:34:41with the SAT book
00:34:42until your fingers
00:34:43bled from playing
00:34:45the cello
00:34:45think about
00:34:46your butthole-lickin' jokes?
00:34:54My older sister
00:34:55is an unemployed lesbian
00:34:57who lives
00:34:58on my mother's property.
00:35:01So I can do
00:35:03whatever I want.
00:35:06Yeah.
00:35:07Whatever I want.
00:35:11I could take a shit
00:35:12on this stage
00:35:13right now
00:35:15and my mom
00:35:15would be like,
00:35:16you bring so much
00:35:18honor to our family.
00:35:23I am so proud of you,
00:35:25my golden child.
00:35:34And then
00:35:35a lot of people
00:35:36also seem to wonder,
00:35:38Allie,
00:35:39now that you have
00:35:41a daughter,
00:35:42are you gonna
00:35:42tone it down?
00:35:46Here's the thing.
00:35:47Just because
00:35:48you became
00:35:49a parent
00:35:50doesn't mean
00:35:52you grew up.
00:35:55Yeah.
00:35:57Bro-y dudes
00:35:58become bro-y dads.
00:36:00I'm the same
00:36:01piece of shit
00:36:01that I always was
00:36:02before I became
00:36:03a mom.
00:36:04Now just with
00:36:05more responsibility
00:36:06and I'm barely
00:36:07rising to the occasion.
00:36:12And I'm not ashamed.
00:36:14I'm not gonna hide
00:36:16that I was
00:36:16very sexually active
00:36:18in my 20s.
00:36:19You know why?
00:36:20Because everybody
00:36:21knows the secret now.
00:36:23That when a woman
00:36:24sleeps with a man
00:36:26right away,
00:36:28it's not because
00:36:30we don't respect ourselves.
00:36:33it's because
00:36:34we don't respect
00:36:35you.
00:36:44We don't see you
00:36:46as marriage material.
00:36:48That's why we let
00:36:48your dick inside
00:36:49so fast.
00:36:51By letting you win,
00:36:52we're really
00:36:53kicking you out
00:36:53of our future.
00:36:54Bye, Felicia.
00:36:55Be on your
00:36:56merry little way.
00:37:02We're just trying
00:37:03to have fun.
00:37:04We're not trying
00:37:05to trap your ass.
00:37:09But,
00:37:10but you better
00:37:11be careful
00:37:12because
00:37:13when a man,
00:37:15when a man
00:37:17doesn't sleep
00:37:18with you
00:37:19right away,
00:37:20oh,
00:37:22oh,
00:37:22it's not because
00:37:23he respects you.
00:37:28It's because
00:37:29he has a small
00:37:31dick.
00:37:38And he's trying
00:37:40to trap
00:37:41you.
00:37:50Do not
00:37:51fall for
00:37:52that trap.
00:37:53I'm going to
00:37:53repeat that shit
00:37:54to my daughter
00:37:54over and
00:37:55over and
00:37:56over again.
00:37:58Do not fall
00:37:59for that trap.
00:38:00I fell for that
00:38:01shit once.
00:38:02Fell in love
00:38:03and into a
00:38:03semi-long-term
00:38:05relationship
00:38:05with a man
00:38:06who kept on
00:38:07wanting to
00:38:08wait to have
00:38:09sex.
00:38:10And I assumed
00:38:11it was because
00:38:11he thought I was
00:38:12so special
00:38:13and amazing
00:38:15and worth
00:38:16waiting for.
00:38:16He was hiding
00:38:17something!
00:38:20Months later,
00:38:21he finally
00:38:22agrees to get
00:38:23busy and
00:38:24unveils this
00:38:25tiny mess of
00:38:26a thing that
00:38:27wouldn't even
00:38:28reach your
00:38:29molars.
00:38:44it was a black
00:38:45dude.
00:38:49Creepy, right?
00:38:50Like seeing a
00:38:51homeless Asian
00:38:51person.
00:38:52What?
00:38:52What happened
00:38:53to you?
00:38:57Oh my god,
00:38:58who are your
00:38:58parents?
00:38:59Truly!
00:39:06It was a
00:39:06black dude
00:39:07and I told
00:39:07all my black
00:39:08friends about it
00:39:09and they were
00:39:09like,
00:39:10where the fuck
00:39:10is he at?
00:39:13We need to
00:39:13assassinate him
00:39:15right now
00:39:16before he
00:39:17further threatens
00:39:18to tarnish
00:39:18our sacred
00:39:19reputation.
00:39:27It was the
00:39:29first and
00:39:30last time I
00:39:31had ever seen
00:39:32an actual
00:39:34micro-penis.
00:39:36and my
00:39:37honest first
00:39:38reaction when
00:39:39I saw it
00:39:40was,
00:39:41oh my god,
00:39:42are you okay?
00:39:44What happened?
00:39:46Did you just
00:39:46get hit by a
00:39:47bus?
00:39:47Did a car
00:39:48outside just
00:39:50like side swipe
00:39:51your dick off
00:39:52and now is
00:39:53your dick
00:39:54rolling around
00:39:55on the street
00:39:55like a severed
00:39:56snake hand?
00:39:57Should we get
00:39:58a mason jar
00:39:59to scoop it
00:40:00up and bring
00:40:01you both to
00:40:01the hospital
00:40:02to have you
00:40:02sewed back
00:40:03together?
00:40:10Wait a minute,
00:40:11wait a minute.
00:40:12Is this some
00:40:13sort of
00:40:14princess and
00:40:15the frog test?
00:40:18Did a witch
00:40:19curse you
00:40:19a long time
00:40:20ago as
00:40:22punishment for
00:40:22calling her
00:40:23ugly?
00:40:24And now
00:40:25if I put that
00:40:26in my mouth
00:40:27to prove
00:40:27that I love
00:40:28you,
00:40:31as a reward
00:40:32for my love,
00:40:34will it
00:40:35expand?
00:40:39Like one
00:40:40of those
00:40:40magic towels
00:40:41you pour
00:40:41water on?
00:40:48My life
00:40:50has changed
00:40:51dramatically
00:40:52in the past
00:40:54year
00:40:55because a
00:40:57year ago
00:40:57nobody knew
00:40:59who the fuck
00:41:00I was.
00:41:02And when I
00:41:03was warming
00:41:04up to tape
00:41:05my very first
00:41:06stand-up comedy
00:41:07special,
00:41:08I did four
00:41:09shows in my
00:41:10hometown,
00:41:10San Francisco,
00:41:11and I was so
00:41:13excited,
00:41:14I was super
00:41:15pumped,
00:41:16and then I
00:41:17couldn't sell out
00:41:18all the tickets,
00:41:20so they had to
00:41:20put half of
00:41:22them up
00:41:22on Groupon.
00:41:25I know
00:41:26a lot of
00:41:27you are
00:41:27having a
00:41:28Chinese heart
00:41:28attack right
00:41:29now.
00:41:31Like, oh my
00:41:32God, you mean
00:41:33to tell me I could
00:41:34have seen this
00:41:35bitch a year ago
00:41:36for $10?
00:41:50Look, I love
00:41:51Groupon, okay,
00:41:53but it was so
00:41:53depressing and
00:41:55demoralizing to
00:41:56see my face
00:41:57and my picture
00:41:58next to
00:41:59whale-watching
00:42:01tours,
00:42:03teeth-whitening
00:42:04services,
00:42:04and discontinued
00:42:05dildos on
00:42:06clearance.
00:42:08I was like,
00:42:09this is sad.
00:42:11And then
00:42:12fast forward
00:42:13to last
00:42:14year,
00:42:15my Netflix
00:42:16special,
00:42:17Baby Cobra,
00:42:18premiered
00:42:18Mother's Day
00:42:19weekend.
00:42:26And it
00:42:27was crazy.
00:42:28Nothing like
00:42:29that had
00:42:30ever happened
00:42:31to me
00:42:31before all
00:42:32of a sudden
00:42:32scalpers
00:42:33were charging
00:42:34up to
00:42:34$1,000
00:42:35a ticket
00:42:36to see me
00:42:37headline live.
00:42:38Over 300
00:42:39people dressed
00:42:40up as me
00:42:41while I was
00:42:41pregnant in
00:42:42that striped
00:42:42dress for
00:42:43Halloween.
00:42:46And I was
00:42:47so happy
00:42:50until I realized
00:42:52that I have no
00:42:53interest in being
00:42:54famous.
00:42:54I don't.
00:42:55All I ever
00:42:56wanted was more
00:42:57money for less
00:42:58effort.
00:43:00I just want to
00:43:01collect checks
00:43:02in my pajamas.
00:43:05Play a piece
00:43:06of tofu
00:43:07in a Pixar
00:43:08movie or
00:43:09something.
00:43:14Yeah,
00:43:15come on,
00:43:15you see it.
00:43:16The tofu got
00:43:17glasses,
00:43:18a lot of
00:43:19attitude,
00:43:22sing some song
00:43:23about the joy
00:43:24of soy
00:43:24with Justin
00:43:25Timberlake.
00:43:28March nemesis
00:43:29can be a piece
00:43:30of beef
00:43:30played by
00:43:31Idris Elba
00:43:33named Stringer
00:43:34Beef or
00:43:34something.
00:43:40I'm not
00:43:41even that
00:43:42famous and
00:43:43already I
00:43:44hate it.
00:43:45I hate it so
00:43:46much.
00:43:47It's a burden.
00:43:48Occasionally
00:43:49now I will be
00:43:50eating at a
00:43:51fancy restaurant
00:43:52and will get
00:43:53recognized by
00:43:54both the
00:43:54waitstaff and
00:43:56the chef and
00:43:57think to
00:43:57myself, oh
00:43:59great, now I
00:44:00have to tip
00:44:01more.
00:44:12And I do
00:44:13have more
00:44:14money now
00:44:14and now I
00:44:15make a lot
00:44:16more money
00:44:16than my
00:44:17husband by
00:44:18like a
00:44:19long shot.
00:44:28Well, my
00:44:29mom is
00:44:30very concerned
00:44:31that he's
00:44:32going to
00:44:32leave me
00:44:33out of
00:44:34intimidation.
00:44:36I had to
00:44:37explain to
00:44:38her that
00:44:38the only
00:44:40kind of
00:44:40man that
00:44:41would leave
00:44:42a woman
00:44:42who makes
00:44:43more money
00:44:45is the
00:44:46kind of
00:44:47man that
00:44:48doesn't like
00:44:48free money.
00:44:55Oh, but
00:44:56Ali, he
00:44:56doesn't feel
00:44:57small.
00:44:58He's too
00:44:58busy living
00:44:59large on my
00:45:00new salary.
00:45:03Oh, but Ali,
00:45:05doesn't he feel
00:45:06like you took
00:45:07something away
00:45:08from him?
00:45:09Oh, do you
00:45:09mean like the
00:45:10pressure to
00:45:11provide?
00:45:12Which I have
00:45:13lifted from his
00:45:14shoulders?
00:45:15He's chilling.
00:45:16He walks into
00:45:17work now every
00:45:18day, two hours
00:45:19late like this.
00:45:21Fuck you.
00:45:29Fuck you, fuck
00:45:31you, and fuck
00:45:32you.
00:45:33Fire me.
00:45:33I don't give a shit.
00:45:35My wife's rich,
00:45:36bitch.
00:45:37Bruh, bruh, bruh, bruh,
00:45:37bruh.
00:45:38Yeah!
00:45:48Yeah, this job is
00:45:49just an eccentric
00:45:50hobby for me
00:45:51now.
00:46:00It was not
00:46:01supposed to go
00:46:02down like this.
00:46:04Okay?
00:46:05I was supposed
00:46:06to be him.
00:46:07I'm supposed
00:46:08to be the one
00:46:08chilling.
00:46:09He graduated
00:46:10from Harvard
00:46:11Business School.
00:46:13I have a B.A.
00:46:14from UCLA
00:46:15in Ethnic Studies.
00:46:21Ethnic Studies
00:46:22is a major
00:46:23where you study
00:46:24how to blame
00:46:25everything on
00:46:26white people.
00:46:26It's not supposed
00:46:27to yield
00:46:27income.
00:46:34nobody, no one
00:46:36could have
00:46:37predicted this
00:46:38outcome.
00:46:39So much so
00:46:40that before we
00:46:41got married,
00:46:42his family
00:46:43made me
00:46:44sign a prenup.
00:46:47It's true.
00:46:48And now,
00:46:49if we get
00:46:50divorced,
00:46:51their son
00:46:52is fucked.
00:47:05No more sashimi
00:47:07on a Tuesday.
00:47:09No more fancy
00:47:10Japanese toilet bidet
00:47:12where water comes
00:47:13out and Hello Kitty
00:47:14sings a song
00:47:15until your butthole's
00:47:16fresh and clean.
00:47:18Go back to drinking
00:47:20flat water, bitch!
00:47:33It is said
00:47:34that if you earn
00:47:35more in the
00:47:37relationship
00:47:37then you are
00:47:39the breadwinner.
00:47:41I think my husband's
00:47:43the real breadwinner
00:47:45because he won
00:47:46a bread machine.
00:47:57Being a woman
00:47:58and the breadwinner
00:47:59is not all that,
00:48:01okay?
00:48:01Because you get
00:48:02insecure, you do,
00:48:03about having
00:48:04too much power
00:48:05so then you
00:48:07overcompensate
00:48:07in the marriage
00:48:08by letting the
00:48:09husband have a say
00:48:11and...
00:48:19And then on
00:48:19on top of that,
00:48:20you know,
00:48:21I get very insecure
00:48:22as being seen
00:48:23as like an ice-cold
00:48:24workaholic mom
00:48:25so then I'm the
00:48:26main caregiver
00:48:27of our daughter,
00:48:28too.
00:48:29And I'm exhausted!
00:48:31I'm overwhelmed!
00:48:33So now when my
00:48:34husband and I
00:48:35roleplay,
00:48:36I request
00:48:37that he call me
00:48:38a simple hoe.
00:48:46because that
00:48:48is my greatest
00:48:49fantasy,
00:48:49to be
00:48:51an illiterate
00:48:52farm girl
00:48:54with no
00:48:55responsibility
00:48:56or decision-making
00:48:58power.
00:48:59We'll get
00:49:00really into it,
00:49:01too.
00:49:01He'll be like,
00:49:02you,
00:49:02you are nothing
00:49:04but a simple
00:49:05hoe.
00:49:06And I'm like,
00:49:07yeah,
00:49:08I'm a real
00:49:08dummy.
00:49:09I don't know
00:49:09the alphabet.
00:49:10I don't know
00:49:11how to count.
00:49:13I don't know
00:49:13the difference
00:49:13between shapes
00:49:14and colors.
00:49:17I can't be trusted
00:49:18to deposit checks
00:49:19or do anything
00:49:20important
00:49:21for I am
00:49:22just a simple
00:49:23hoe.
00:49:34despite having
00:49:35more money,
00:49:36I keep it
00:49:36real,
00:49:37okay?
00:49:38I am still
00:49:39a Chinese-Vietnamese
00:49:41person,
00:49:41okay?
00:49:42Yeah.
00:49:43I literally
00:49:44watched my
00:49:45Netflix special
00:49:46on my
00:49:47sister-in-law's
00:49:48login.
00:49:55To this day,
00:49:57I do not
00:49:57have my
00:49:57own account.
00:50:01After I
00:50:01filmed Baby
00:50:02Cobra,
00:50:03Netflix sent
00:50:04me a Netflix
00:50:05baby onesie
00:50:06and a basket,
00:50:07you know those
00:50:08baskets that
00:50:09white people
00:50:09like to give
00:50:10with the
00:50:11biscotti
00:50:12and the
00:50:12cheese
00:50:13and the
00:50:13caramel popcorn
00:50:15and all the
00:50:15other shit
00:50:15that Asian
00:50:16people have
00:50:17no interest
00:50:17in whatsoever.
00:50:20I was like,
00:50:21give me
00:50:22an account!
00:50:24I don't
00:50:25need this
00:50:25shit that
00:50:26I'm allergic
00:50:26to!
00:50:27Give me
00:50:27an account!
00:50:35I still
00:50:36buy all
00:50:37my shit
00:50:37on Craigslist.
00:50:38Nothing
00:50:38in my
00:50:39house
00:50:39is new,
00:50:40but now
00:50:41I have
00:50:42to go
00:50:42in a
00:50:43disguise
00:50:43because
00:50:44last week
00:50:45I forgot
00:50:45my sunglasses
00:50:46and my
00:50:48hat and
00:50:49I was
00:50:49haggling
00:50:50with this
00:50:50dude over
00:50:50a bike
00:50:51helmet.
00:50:54He was
00:50:55like 20
00:50:55I was
00:50:56like 10
00:50:57He was
00:50:58like okay
00:50:5817
00:50:59I was
00:51:00like uh-uh
00:51:00I see
00:51:00a scratch
00:51:01on there
00:51:0110
00:51:04And finally
00:51:05he says
00:51:05to me
00:51:06you know
00:51:07I could
00:51:08swear
00:51:10aren't
00:51:10aren't you
00:51:10Allie
00:51:11Wong?
00:51:13Why
00:51:14are you
00:51:15haggling
00:51:15with me
00:51:16over this
00:51:16bike
00:51:17helmet?
00:51:18I'm a
00:51:18college
00:51:19student
00:51:19who as
00:51:20you can
00:51:20see
00:51:20lives in
00:51:21a studio
00:51:21apartment
00:51:22with
00:51:22roommates.
00:51:24I was
00:51:25like
00:51:29shame
00:51:30on you
00:51:31we don't
00:51:31all look
00:51:31alike
00:51:32give me
00:51:32that
00:51:32helmet!
00:51:35He
00:51:36don't
00:51:36speak
00:51:36into
00:51:37English!
00:51:41My
00:51:42name
00:51:42is
00:51:42not
00:51:42Allie
00:51:43Wong
00:51:43my
00:51:43name
00:51:43is
00:51:43Grace
00:51:44Lee
00:51:47I
00:51:47dare
00:51:47you
00:51:48to
00:51:48google
00:51:48image
00:51:49Grace
00:51:49Lee
00:51:49your
00:51:50computer
00:51:51will
00:51:51burst
00:51:52into
00:51:52flames
00:52:03I
00:52:03make
00:52:04fun
00:52:05of my
00:52:05husband
00:52:06a lot
00:52:07but the
00:52:07reality
00:52:08is
00:52:08that
00:52:09he
00:52:09is
00:52:10my
00:52:10best
00:52:10friend
00:52:10yes
00:52:11I'm
00:52:12very
00:52:13serious
00:52:13I'm
00:52:13very
00:52:14lucky
00:52:14to
00:52:14have
00:52:14gotten
00:52:15to
00:52:15marry
00:52:15my
00:52:16best
00:52:16friend
00:52:16and
00:52:17our
00:52:17whole
00:52:17dynamic
00:52:18confuses
00:52:19my
00:52:19mother
00:52:20because
00:52:20it's
00:52:21the
00:52:21inverse
00:52:21of
00:52:22what
00:52:22she
00:52:22had
00:52:22with
00:52:23my
00:52:23father
00:52:24she
00:52:25was
00:52:25like
00:52:25your
00:52:26father
00:52:26was
00:52:26not
00:52:26my
00:52:27best
00:52:27friend
00:52:29I
00:52:29cannot
00:52:30believe
00:52:30how
00:52:31comfortable
00:52:31you
00:52:32guys
00:52:32are
00:52:32around
00:52:33each
00:52:33other
00:52:35do
00:52:36you
00:52:36fart
00:52:37in
00:52:37front
00:52:37of
00:52:38your
00:52:38husband
00:52:41I
00:52:42fart
00:52:43in
00:52:43my
00:52:44husband
00:52:44love
00:52:51because
00:52:53we
00:52:54are
00:52:54best
00:52:55friends
00:53:00I
00:53:01hope
00:53:01that
00:53:02he
00:53:02and I
00:53:03always
00:53:03stay
00:53:04together
00:53:04truly
00:53:05you know
00:53:05because
00:53:06a lot
00:53:06of times
00:53:06when
00:53:07comedians
00:53:07get
00:53:08successful
00:53:08they inevitably
00:53:10get divorced
00:53:11from their
00:53:12first spouse
00:53:13and then
00:53:13at the age
00:53:14of like
00:53:1450 or
00:53:1560
00:53:16they like
00:53:16to trade up
00:53:17for a new
00:53:18one
00:53:18that's like
00:53:18a third
00:53:19of their
00:53:19age
00:53:21as a
00:53:22woman
00:53:22that has
00:53:23zero
00:53:24appeal to
00:53:25me
00:53:26you think
00:53:27I want to
00:53:27fuck an
00:53:2718 year old
00:53:28boy
00:53:29when I'm
00:53:30on the
00:53:30precipice
00:53:31of menopause
00:53:33have some
00:53:34nervous
00:53:35teenager
00:53:36do
00:53:36three
00:53:37pumps
00:53:37and then
00:53:38bust a
00:53:38nut
00:53:38in my
00:53:39old
00:53:39ass
00:53:39pussy
00:53:40no
00:53:40thank
00:53:40you
00:53:42no
00:53:42gracias
00:53:44I
00:53:45don't
00:53:45want to
00:53:45fuck
00:53:45an
00:53:4618 year
00:53:46old
00:53:46boy
00:53:47not
00:53:47now
00:53:47not
00:53:48ever
00:53:48again
00:53:49because
00:53:49they're
00:53:4918
00:53:50they're
00:53:51terrible
00:53:51in bed
00:53:52do you
00:53:53remember
00:53:53when we
00:53:53were all
00:53:54teenagers
00:53:54it was
00:53:55horrible
00:53:56for teenage
00:53:57girls
00:53:57because
00:53:58oral sex
00:53:58was all
00:53:59one
00:54:00way
00:54:00as a
00:54:01teenage
00:54:01girl
00:54:02you
00:54:02never
00:54:03ever
00:54:04got your
00:54:04pussy
00:54:05eaten
00:54:05but you
00:54:05suck
00:54:06so many
00:54:07dicks
00:54:07you suck
00:54:07a dick
00:54:08under a
00:54:09bridge
00:54:09in the
00:54:10bathroom
00:54:10in the
00:54:11forest
00:54:15but as a
00:54:16teenage girl
00:54:16you never
00:54:17just casually
00:54:18got your
00:54:18pussy
00:54:19eaten
00:54:19behind the
00:54:20bleachers
00:54:20come on
00:54:20Gary
00:54:21come on
00:54:22come on
00:54:23Gary
00:54:23come on
00:54:24just lie
00:54:24down on
00:54:25your back
00:54:25Gary
00:54:26come on
00:54:26like you're
00:54:27gonna change
00:54:27oil
00:54:28come on
00:54:28Gary
00:54:34she
00:54:34that
00:54:35wicked
00:54:35serve
00:54:36I made
00:54:36in that
00:54:36tennis
00:54:37match
00:54:37come on
00:54:38Elliot
00:54:38come on
00:54:39congratulations
00:54:40to me
00:54:40come on
00:54:41Elliot
00:54:42come on
00:54:43Elliot
00:54:45come on
00:54:51there are no
00:54:52more children
00:54:53in this
00:54:53playground
00:54:54come on
00:54:54Spencer
00:54:55come on
00:54:56it's dark
00:54:57Spencer
00:54:58come on
00:55:08you had to
00:55:09wait until
00:55:10your 20s
00:55:10to get
00:55:11your pussy
00:55:11eaten
00:55:12and even
00:55:13then
00:55:13it was not
00:55:14very good
00:55:14because
00:55:15it's very
00:55:16personal
00:55:17do you know
00:55:17how long
00:55:18it took me
00:55:19to train
00:55:19my husband
00:55:20to eat
00:55:21my pussy
00:55:22correctly
00:55:23I'm not
00:55:24going back
00:55:25out into
00:55:25the world
00:55:26find somebody
00:55:27new to
00:55:27coach
00:55:28all over
00:55:28again
00:55:30it's too
00:55:30much work
00:55:31all of that
00:55:31knowledge
00:55:32that my
00:55:33husband has
00:55:34now
00:55:34all of that
00:55:35time I
00:55:36invested
00:55:36all of that
00:55:37muscle memory
00:55:38lives and
00:55:39dies with
00:55:39him
00:55:40you can't
00:55:41store that
00:55:41in some
00:55:42sort of
00:55:42eye pussy
00:55:42cloud
00:55:43and then
00:55:43just download
00:55:44it to a
00:55:45new husband
00:55:452.0
00:55:46he is
00:55:47bespoke
00:55:47to me
00:55:49irreplaceable
00:55:56look many
00:55:57patient nights
00:55:58I wanted
00:55:59to fake
00:56:00it
00:56:00okay
00:56:00but I
00:56:01knew
00:56:01that it
00:56:02was so
00:56:03fundamental
00:56:03for the
00:56:04long term
00:56:04that he
00:56:05get it
00:56:05right
00:56:05and that
00:56:06lying to
00:56:07him
00:56:07would just
00:56:09be cheating
00:56:09myself
00:56:12and so
00:56:12I would
00:56:13shove
00:56:13his head
00:56:14down there
00:56:14and keep
00:56:15it down
00:56:16there
00:56:16until his
00:56:17face
00:56:17got
00:56:17pruny
00:56:23many nights
00:56:24he'd enter
00:56:257pm
00:56:26looking like
00:56:26a 30 year
00:56:27old man
00:56:27exit
00:56:28hours later
00:56:29looking like
00:56:29Tommy Lee
00:56:30Jones
00:56:35you know
00:56:36how hard
00:56:36it is
00:56:36for a
00:56:37young
00:56:37Asian
00:56:37man
00:56:38to
00:56:38suddenly
00:56:38transform
00:56:39into
00:56:39Tommy Lee
00:56:40Jones
00:56:44I think
00:56:45a big
00:56:45part
00:56:46of being
00:56:46good
00:56:46at eating
00:56:47pussy
00:56:48is that
00:56:48you just
00:56:48gotta be
00:56:49into it
00:56:50okay
00:56:50do it
00:56:51with gusto
00:56:52with enthusiasm
00:56:53it's a privilege
00:56:55so act like
00:56:55you know
00:56:56okay
00:56:56yeah
00:56:57yeah
00:56:58don't hesitate
00:57:07don't
00:57:08like you're
00:57:12some toddler
00:57:13being forced
00:57:14to eat
00:57:14broccoli
00:57:18and hold
00:57:19your own
00:57:19goddamn
00:57:20head up
00:57:20too
00:57:20don't use
00:57:21my thigh
00:57:21as a tripod
00:57:22and just
00:57:37fall into
00:57:38a food coma
00:57:38before you
00:57:39finish your meal
00:57:48no
00:57:48lately I have
00:57:49been ruminating
00:57:50a lot
00:57:51over this
00:57:52one time
00:57:53I hooked up
00:57:54with this
00:57:54dude
00:57:54and in the
00:57:56middle
00:57:57of kissing
00:57:58I felt
00:57:59the responsibility
00:58:00to stop
00:58:01and say
00:58:02hey
00:58:03I should
00:58:04really let
00:58:05you know
00:58:06now
00:58:06before we
00:58:07go
00:58:08any further
00:58:09that
00:58:09I'm on my
00:58:11period
00:58:13and he was
00:58:14like
00:58:15oh
00:58:16well
00:58:18then let's
00:58:20make a
00:58:20fucking mess
00:58:21alley
00:58:36to this day
00:58:38that is the most
00:58:40romantic thing
00:58:43anybody
00:58:45has ever said
00:58:46to me
00:58:48I think about it
00:58:50when I feel
00:58:50down
00:58:51and ugly
00:58:52and no good
00:58:53all I have to do
00:58:54is remember
00:58:55that there was
00:58:56once a man
00:58:57out there
00:58:57who was willing
00:58:58to yank out
00:58:59my tampon
00:59:00and replace it
00:59:01with his dick
00:59:02it made me feel
00:59:02beautiful
00:59:05beautiful
00:59:09there is nothing
00:59:10more empowering
00:59:11and truly
00:59:12feminist
00:59:13than what that
00:59:14man said
00:59:15that day
00:59:15that is straight up
00:59:16hashtag
00:59:17I'm with her
00:59:29you know
00:59:29I think
00:59:30I used to be
00:59:31a much
00:59:33different comic
00:59:34before
00:59:34I had
00:59:35the baby
00:59:36I used to do
00:59:37a lot more jokes
00:59:39about
00:59:40sucking dick
00:59:42and my pussy
00:59:45but now
00:59:48not as many jokes
00:59:50about
00:59:52sucking dick
00:59:54and my pussy
00:59:56because
00:59:58I don't suck dick
01:00:00no more
01:00:04when you give birth
01:00:05to a baby
01:00:06they hand you
01:00:07a diploma
01:00:08that says
01:00:09congratulations
01:00:10you've earned
01:00:11the right
01:00:11to not suck dick
01:00:12out of obligation
01:00:13anymore
01:00:16if my husband
01:00:17were to demand
01:00:19that I suck
01:00:20his dick
01:00:22I would laugh
01:00:23in his face
01:00:28and then
01:00:29I would go
01:00:29to sleep
01:00:30and guess what
01:00:31in the morning
01:00:31he's still there
01:00:32ain't no consequence
01:00:34we're handcuffed
01:00:35together
01:00:36by a baby
01:00:37and a mortgage
01:00:38checkmate
01:00:39bitch
01:00:39it's over
01:00:40you ain't got
01:00:41nowhere to run
01:00:42I don't gotta
01:00:44suck your dick
01:00:44anymore
01:00:45you owe me money
01:00:55and I don't do
01:00:56as many jokes
01:00:57about my pussy
01:00:58anymore
01:00:59because my pussy
01:01:01is gone
01:01:03it's gone
01:01:05physically
01:01:05it's quite intact
01:01:06because I had
01:01:07the c-section
01:01:08but emotionally
01:01:10and spiritually
01:01:13ghost in the shell
01:01:17ghost in the shell
01:01:19it's an Asian character
01:01:21being played
01:01:21by Scarlett Johansson
01:01:26my husband and I
01:01:27we don't fuck no more
01:01:28we just jack off
01:01:29side by side
01:01:30while we fantasize
01:01:31about Puerto Rican people
01:01:33I don't have the energy
01:01:35to climb on top of him
01:01:37clean up after sex
01:01:38put that towel
01:01:39on the bed
01:01:40to absorb
01:01:41that post-sex
01:01:41wet spot
01:01:43you know that perfectly
01:01:45round ass
01:01:46wet spot
01:01:47on the bed
01:01:47that gets all cold
01:01:49in the winter time
01:01:53it's like an ice
01:01:54fishing hole
01:01:57because it smells
01:01:58like penguins
01:02:02and is narrated
01:02:03by Morgan Freeman
01:02:04alright I'm Ali Wong
01:02:05have a good night
01:02:06everybody
01:02:06thank you
01:02:07great
01:02:08thank you
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