- 10 hours ago
Aside from the sex, Wong looks at not obviously comedic subjects including her previous miscarriage and fertility struggles and makes them genuinely hilarious, while also picking apart both sexism and feminism.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #aliwong #aliwongcomedy #aliwongstandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #aliwong #aliwongcomedy #aliwongstandup
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FunTranscript
00:03Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Ali Wong!
00:26Yes, hello, welcome, thank you!
00:30Thank you for coming, hello, hello!
00:36We are gonna have to get this shit over with, because I have to pee in like 10 minutes.
00:44But thank you everybody so much for coming.
00:47It's a very exciting day for me, it's been a very exciting year for me.
00:52I turned 33 this year.
00:55Yes, thank you five people, I appreciate that.
00:59I can tell that I'm getting older, because now when I see an 18 year old girl, my automatic thought
01:10is,
01:12Fuck you.
01:17Fuck you.
01:18I don't even know you, but fuck you.
01:22Because I'm straight up jealous.
01:23I'm jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism.
01:27Because 18 year old girls, they could just eat like shit, and then they take a shit and have a
01:32six pack.
01:33Right?
01:34They got that beautiful inner thigh clearance, where they put their feet together, and there's that huge gap here, with
01:42the light of potential just radiating through.
01:52And then when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep.
01:56Right?
01:56They don't have insomnia yet.
01:58They don't know what it's like to have to take an Ambien, or download a meditation Oasis podcast,
02:06to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind.
02:19They have their whole lives ahead of them.
02:21They don't have HPV yet.
02:22They just go to sleep in peace at night.
02:33Everybody has HPV.
02:35Okay?
02:36Everybody has it.
02:37It's okay.
02:38Come out already.
02:39Everybody has it.
02:41If you don't have it yet, you gon' get it.
02:44You gon' get it.
02:45It's coming.
02:47If you don't have HPV yet, you're a fucking loser.
02:50Alright?
02:51That's what that says about you.
02:54A lot of men don't know that they have HPV because it's undetectable in men.
03:01It's really fucked up.
03:02HPV is a ghost that lives inside men's bodies and says boo in women's bodies.
03:15My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV.
03:20Either I have the kind that's gonna turn into cervical cancer.
03:26Or I have the kind where my body will heal itself.
03:34Very helpful, this doctor, right?
03:37So basically, either I'm gonna die, or you're in the presence of Wolverine, bitches.
03:46We'll find out.
03:51I can also tell that I'm getting older because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library.
04:00I'm not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey.
04:04Okay?
04:05I'm interested in the life-changing magic of tidying up.
04:10Yes.
04:11Yes.
04:12Yes.
04:12That's right.
04:13How to declutter my hoe to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success.
04:20That's what your 30s is all about.
04:22How can I turn this shit around?
04:23I'm a horrible person.
04:25I'm not happy with where I am.
04:27How can I turn this shit around?
04:29Help me, Tony Robbins.
04:30Help me.
04:32I have a hoarding problem, which I'm hoping is the center of all of my other problems.
04:37I'm hoping if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear.
04:44I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country.
04:49And she taught me that you can never throw away anything.
04:53Because you never know when a dictator's gonna overtake the country and snatch all of your wealth.
04:59So you better hold on to that retainer from the third grade.
05:02Because it might come in handy as a shovel when you're busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away
05:08from the communists.
05:15The last time I was at home in San Francisco I was trying to help her get rid of shit.
05:19Don't ever do that with your mom.
05:21It was like the worst experience of my life.
05:24It was so emotional.
05:26We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax.
05:30When she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI-82 manual.
05:43The Manuel, she don't even know where the calculator is.
05:49Those of you under 25 probably don't know what that calculator is.
05:53It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation.
05:56We were all required to buy it when we were in 8th grade.
06:00It cost like $200.
06:03And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetsons laptop from the future.
06:09All because what?
06:10It could grasp.
06:15It was like the Tesla of my time.
06:21And my mom got so emotional about the manual.
06:24And she was like, you never know when you might need this.
06:28And I was like, but I do know that I'm gonna have to clean all this shit up when you
06:34die.
06:36And I'm not trying to be a procrastinator anymore.
06:41Because according to Deepak Oprah, that's not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success.
06:53I grew up a lot this past year.
06:56This past year I also got married.
07:04To a man who now has HPV.
07:10I'm a very lucky guy.
07:12He gave me something.
07:14I gave him something.
07:17That will also last forever.
07:21No, really I'm the lucky girl.
07:23Because before him I dated a lot of losers.
07:27Lots of losers.
07:28A lot of skaters.
07:31You wanna be a grown ass woman?
07:34Stop dating skaters.
07:35Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen.
07:44They're sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside.
07:48Horrible.
07:50But my husband, I first met him at this wedding.
07:53And he's much better looking than me.
07:56He's way out of my league.
07:57And I saw him and I was like,
07:59Oh my God, who is that?
08:01And the first thing I learned about him was that at the time he was attending Harvard Business School.
08:09And I was like, Oh my God, I'm gonna trap his ass.
08:18And I trapped his ass initially by not kissing him until the fifth date.
08:28Which is a very unusual move on my part.
08:31But I did it on purpose because I knew that he was a catch.
08:35So I was like, alright Allie, you gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden.
08:46When really, it's a public park.
08:56That has hosted many reggae fests.
09:03And has even accidentally let...
09:09Two homeless people inside.
09:13I thought they were hipsters, okay?
09:17That store Urban Outfitters has made things very confusing for my generation.
09:22You homeless or you a hipster?
09:25Is that beard for fashion or for warmth?
09:32It happened to me.
09:34It happened in San Francisco when I was living there and I saw this guy in broad daylight.
09:39And we had like, we had so much chemistry.
09:41He was like, what's up?
09:44I was like, what's up?
09:47And the next thing I knew, we were getting busy in the back of my Volvo.
09:51And then after we were done, he was like, hey, can you drop me off?
09:55I was like, where?
09:57He was like, at the park.
09:59And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park and watched him run into the middle with all his other
10:04homeless friends.
10:05And I was like, oh, no.
10:12I just fucked a homeless dude.
10:17Again.
10:25My husband is Asian, which a lot of people are shocked by.
10:31Because usually Asian American women who, like, you know, wear these kind of glasses and have a lot of opinions,
10:37they like to date white dudes.
10:38You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America and that shit is turning into a Yoko
10:45Ono factory.
10:47It's too much.
10:49I don't know what's wrong with these bitches.
10:51I get it, you know, because being with a white dude, you feel very picturesque when you're with a white
10:57dude.
10:58You know, you feel like you're in a Wes Anderson movie or something.
11:02And, you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling and disturbing
11:10documentaries.
11:12They introduce you to cool stuff like that.
11:14And it's very, you know, it's hot hooking up with a white dude.
11:19I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy.
11:24Oh, my God.
11:25I just feel like I'm absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement, you know, just right there
11:34through the money hole and just.
11:36Oh, and then also he's so vulnerable down there.
11:39I'm like, I could just crush your head at any moment, white man.
11:43I could just kill you right now.
11:45Crush those brains.
11:47Colonize the colonizer, you know.
11:59But I think that for marriage, it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race.
12:07The advantage is that you get to go home and be racist together.
12:17You get to say whatever you like.
12:21You don't got to explain shit.
12:23My husband, half Filipino, half Japanese.
12:28I'm half Chinese and half Vietnamese.
12:32And we spend 100% of our time shitting on Korean people.
12:38It's amazing.
12:43It's what love is built on, you know.
12:51My last boyfriend was Cuban and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time.
13:00And I was like, hold up.
13:03You guys aren't Mexican.
13:13Asian American men are very underrated.
13:15I don't know why people don't go for them.
13:17They're the sexiest.
13:19Asian men are the sexiest.
13:21They got no body hair from the neck down.
13:28It's like making love to a dolphin.
13:32Oh, my God.
13:34It's so smooth.
13:35Just like a slip and slide.
13:37Just blackfish.
13:38Tilikum.
13:39All up in my bed every night, you know.
13:43Ooh-wee.
13:44You mess with a Jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards.
13:49It's all red and inflamed.
13:51And you're like, I did not ask to be exfoliated today.
13:57This is the last time I go on J-Date.
13:59More like Loof-a-Date.
14:02Thanks for the rug burn, Avi.
14:09And then Asian men, no body odor.
14:12None.
14:14They just smell like responsibility.
14:21That's where the umami flavor comes from.
14:29I think my husband and I have a huge unspoken understanding between each other.
14:36Because he's half Filipino and half Japanese.
14:38And I'm half Chinese and half Vietnamese.
14:40So we're both half fancy Asian.
14:49And half jungle Asian.
14:53Yeah.
14:55You guys know the difference.
14:56The fancy Asians are the Chinese, the Japanese.
14:59They get to do fancy things like host Olympics.
15:02Jungle Asians host diseases.
15:05It's different.
15:08But he grew up on the East Coast.
15:10Going to private school.
15:13Playing lacrosse.
15:14You know, learning Latin.
15:17And playing chess and rugby.
15:18He grew up like Filipino Carlton.
15:20Okay?
15:21So he didn't know anything about Vietnamese people.
15:25Until he met me.
15:27And on one of our first dates.
15:29He took me to this restaurant on the west side of Los Angeles.
15:33Called Pho Cho.
15:42He was like, it's authentic Vietnamese.
15:44I read about it on Yelp.
15:46I was like, it's not authentic.
15:48Okay?
15:48You can tell first and foremost by the name.
15:51Cause it don't got a number in it.
15:58Second of all, you could tell by the bathroom.
16:00If it was legit, the bathroom would double as a supply closet.
16:06When I pee, I need to see 10 gallons of bleach.
16:10An ATM machine.
16:11And a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner.
16:17And the wait staff here is too nice.
16:19We need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused.
16:28I grew up going to private school too.
16:30Him and I are both total like private school Asians.
16:33We both are big hippies too.
16:35We like to backpack through Southeast Asia.
16:38We like to do yoga.
16:40We do ayahuasca ceremonies.
16:43We do seven meditation retreats.
16:45That's right.
16:46We pay $800 to shut up for a weekend.
16:49We do shit like that.
16:50We eat gluten free.
16:52Which means we eat all that bread that tastes like free range Chewbacca.
16:58We eat that lesbian bread that's like a thousand percent of your daily fiber.
17:05And 20% spoken word poetry.
17:11When you eat it, you queef a shitty poem about supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever.
17:22And so it's funny, right?
17:25Because he's Asian too.
17:28But sometimes all of this hippy dippy shit we do makes me feel like we are white people doing an
17:36impression of Asian people.
17:39Like we have these Chinese scrolls up on the wall.
17:44And neither of us know what the fuck they mean.
17:51We're like, oh, that seems to go very well with our Buddha piggy bank from Pier 1 Imports.
17:58That seems to be providing some good fush way for the house.
18:06Him and I had been dating for four years.
18:10And I just had this sneaking suspicion that he was going to propose because I had been pressuring him to
18:24do it.
18:28So, you know, I just had this wacky women's intuition.
18:32That's how proposals really work, okay?
18:35A woman has to incept the idea into the man's head.
18:39First passively, and then if he doesn't get the message, extremely aggressively.
18:44You've got to threaten to leave without ever actually leaving because you know that you're too old.
18:49And it's too late to go back out there and find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle
18:55all over again.
18:58So you're like, I'm just going to stick with this dude, focus on trapping this dude.
19:03And just nag the shit out of him until he becomes weak and caves in and gets fed up and
19:10is like,
19:10Shut the fuck up!
19:13Fine, will you marry me?
19:16And then afterwards, the woman is always like,
19:18Oh my God, he proposed!
19:24It came out of nowhere!
19:27And look, he got me the exact ring I wanted!
19:32How did he know?
19:36Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page or something?
19:41That I sent to my best friend that I told her to send to him every day?
19:48Let me tell you something.
19:49If a man has a Pinterest page, he's probably Pinterested in men.
20:01We got engaged on a Saturday.
20:04I bought my wedding dress the following Tuesday because I had tried it on in 2012.
20:14I was ready.
20:16I was ripe.
20:17I was rotten.
20:19I need to be made into banana bread.
20:22That's how rotten I was.
20:27People are always very surprised at how offstage with my husband, I'm a completely different person.
20:35Like, you would not recognize my personality at all with him.
20:39With him, I'm very soft and very nurturing and very domestic.
20:45We've been together now for five years.
20:48And for five years, I've packed his lunch every single day.
20:53Yeah.
20:55Yes.
20:56Yes.
20:57Yes.
20:58Yes.
20:59I did that so that he'd become dependent on me.
21:09Because he graduated from Harvard Business School and I don't want to work anymore.
21:18I don't.
21:19I straight up don't want to work anymore.
21:21I don't feed him out of the goodness of my heart.
21:24I do it as an investment in my financial future.
21:29Because I don't want to work anymore.
21:31I've been reading that book by Sheryl Sandberg.
21:34She's the COO of Facebook.
21:36And she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers.
21:41Talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves to sit at the table and rise to the top.
21:47And her book is called Lean In.
21:52Well, I don't want to lean in.
21:55Okay?
21:56I want to lie down.
22:04I want to lie the fuck down.
22:07I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women.
22:13Our job used to be no job.
22:18We had it so good.
22:21We could have done the smart thing, which would have been to continue playing dumb for the next century.
22:29And be like, we're dumb women.
22:31We don't know how to do anything.
22:33So, I guess we better just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch Ellen.
22:40Because we're too stupid to have any real responsibility.
22:44And then all these women had to show off and be like, we could do it.
22:48We could do anything.
22:50Bitch, shut up.
22:54Don't tell them the secrets.
22:56Don't tell them the secrets.
22:59Don't tell them the secrets.
23:00They ruined it for us.
23:01And now we're expected to work.
23:05When I hear the phrase, double income household, I want to throw up.
23:13a lot of women get very upset with me about those comments and they're like but Allie
23:20we have so many more options now oh you don't think we had a lot of options when our day
23:26was
23:27free unscheduled unsupervised and most importantly sponsored
23:39you know how much shittier food tastes when you know you had to earn it
23:51a lot of my friends when we walk around together they'll get very judgmental about housewives that
23:58we'll see on the street and they'll be like look at that fucking housewife not doing anything look
24:03at that housewife just walking around all day getting massages in her lululemon pants
24:10i'm like that bitch is a genius she's not a housewife she's retired
24:19i do write for fresh off the boat on abc yeah which is it's a great show i love it
24:28a lot i love my
24:29co-workers it's a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs it's probably one of the best
24:33you could ask for but i still gotta work at an office every day which means i gotta shit
24:41in an office every day housewives they don't gotta shit in an office housewives get to shit
24:50in their house skin to see they don't gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover they don't gotta
25:0110 times a day every day
25:06like you're about to eat a sad ass meal they don't gotta do that they don't gotta use
25:12that one-ply toilet paper that office toilet paper that they purposely make difficult to pull out they
25:19try to ration me with their communist toilet paper that's not even effective it basically just dehydrates
25:26your butthole it's basically like wiping your butt with the desert
25:34i literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago to try to make a macgyver baby wipe to moisten
25:41it
25:41and then it backfired because my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doodoo to
25:47come out and then i had to start all over again
25:57and you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed because you're paranoid that
26:04your co-worker's gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall and you're like oh no
26:09courtney's listening she's waiting she's timing me and then you hurry hurry hurry and then you never
26:16finish wiping and then your butthole feels caked in doo-doo all day long and then if you dare scratch
26:22yourself your underwear at the end of the day looks like it's been run over by the goodies
26:34housewives they don't gotta muffle their shit too they don't gotta worry about the velocity
26:40with which their doo-doo comes out they don't gotta try to you know squeeze the butt cheeks together
26:45to make sure that the doo-doo comes out at a slow and steady pace so that no unpredictable noise
26:52suddenly escapes and brings you deep deep shame housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet
27:01and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much netflix on
27:07their ipad as they want they don't gotta take these boring repressed shits they can listen to podcasts
27:19planted money they could do whatever they want
27:28you know it's it's very distracting for me when i hear my co-workers blow ass into the toilet
27:36i lose respect for them nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence
27:45i heard one of my co-workers blow ass into the toilet the other day
27:48this bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say you need to get to work on time
27:56i was like you need to eat bananas
28:01i saw those green ballet flats i know that shit was you
28:05don't try to tell me to get my shit together when i heard you not have your shit together
28:12my father-in-law had this huge sit down with me and my husband recently um and he was like
28:19hey i
28:20want to talk to you guys about money you guys need to make a lot more money
28:26if you want to provide your children with the same kind of privileged childhood
28:30that you guys had i was like why are you telling me this shit
28:36i should not be a part of this conversation you tell your son that
28:40don't you understand that i trapped your son for his earning potential
28:45why else would i choose to fuck one person for the rest of my life
28:49i chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement
28:53and when i said i do what i really meant was oh i'm done
29:01i'm done i don't want to work anymore and i'm not dieting anymore since i got married last year
29:08i've been eating fried chicken skin every day since
29:11that's right and just fulfilling my destiny
29:15which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes
29:20like mrs pac-man just
29:23let's redecorate
29:32i gave up a lot of myself when i got married i'm a i'm a disgusting pervert
29:37i'm a pervert i'm a gross filthy animal and i think it's because i started watching porn at a very
29:46young
29:46age and what happens when you start watching porn at a young age is that you get sicker and sicker
29:54and sicker the images you crave get sicker and sicker and sicker but it's okay because the internet will always
30:02catch up to you
30:08i broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back
30:16i was like uh you're an idiot dude
30:19do you realize that if i went on craigslist
30:24and posted tiny asian female seeking anal
30:28the internet would crash
30:34and all the jewish male heads in the universe would simultaneously explode
30:39they would explode
30:42a lot of women get really you know
30:45freaked out about anal and they're like oh i don't want to do that
30:49i'm scared of the pain you ain't scared of the pain
30:53women they wax their eyebrows they do all sorts of crazy shit you're not scared of the pain
30:57what you're really scared of is doo-doo on the dick
31:04you're scared that he's gonna see that and that's gonna be all of your shame
31:08your inner evil all your secrets and lies
31:11so for i can't help you now
31:16but don't worry
31:18because when he puts it in the butt all he's thinking about is
31:21i just put it in her butt
31:25i gotta call my mom
31:27my dad
31:29dave
31:29my grandma
31:32if you're married you're gonna have to do anal eventually
31:35okay you have to
31:37because you gotta change it up
31:38you gotta change it up so that you don't cheat
31:41on each other you gotta keep it interesting
31:43if you put it in different holes
31:45maybe you'll feel like you're fucking different people
31:48i was very sexually active in my 20s
31:53and as a result i'm a little bit
32:00stretched out down there
32:01okay
32:02so when i finally did anal i just felt like i got a second chance at life
32:07you know i was like oh my god
32:09it's like i'm going back in time
32:12a whole new world
32:18it's magical
32:22a big fantasy of mine before i got married
32:25was to help as many men as possible
32:29discover their prostate
32:32yeah like a conqueror
32:34i just wanted to
32:35now if you haven't done it before
32:38ladies go home
32:39and treat yourself
32:40do it tonight
32:41you only live once
32:43yolo
32:44just sneak
32:44just give your man
32:46a little
32:47a little push push
32:48in the tush tush
32:49give him a little atari
32:51you know
32:52and you'll get a lot of
32:53resistance
32:54from the man at first
32:55you'll get a lot of
32:56no
32:57no
33:05they get all squirmy wormy
33:08because
33:08they're scared
33:10they're scared
33:12that if you stick your thumb up there
33:14and succeed
33:15and they like it
33:17that then it might mean
33:19that they're gay
33:27and i like that fear
33:32that shit turns me on
33:33you know
33:34especially when that fear
33:37metamorphosizes into pleasure
33:39oh my god
33:40and you just see the look
33:41in the man's eye
33:43like he's discovered nirvana
33:46and it's like
33:47you're the first lady to show him
33:49that he had a magical clit
33:51in his butthole
33:52and then you
33:53as the woman
33:54in his eyes
33:55just become
33:55the lord of the rim
33:57you know
34:05my husband is unfortunately
34:07just not as freaky as me
34:08when i've asked him
34:10to spank me
34:11this is what he does
34:19hey
34:20hey are you okay
34:22are you all right
34:23you know i respect you
34:25right
34:26i'm like yes
34:27i know you respect me
34:28and that's why you need to
34:30abuse me
34:32okay
34:32because it's the most
34:33strong-headed
34:34loud-mouthed women
34:35who like to be
34:36abused the most in bed
34:38women who are ceos
34:40they just want to be
34:41roughed around
34:41they just want their
34:42ahhhh
34:44glasses always means
34:46the woman wants them
34:47ahhhh
34:49ahhhh
34:52ahhhh
34:54ahhhh
34:54ahhhh
34:55ahhhh
34:56ahhhh
34:56ahhhh
34:56ahhhh
34:57ahhhh
34:58ahhhh
34:59ahhhh
34:59ahhhh
35:00ahhh
35:01it's because we're so in control all the time
35:04that we just want to experience some risk and be out of control
35:09you know
35:09like i don't want to die
35:12Don't kill me. I don't want to die
35:15But I also don't want to be sure that I'm gonna live
35:21I just want to be out of control for once just just choke me enough so that I can't talk
35:28Because if I can talk I'm gonna tell you what to do
35:33And I'm tired of being the boss I'm the boss all the time so in the bedroom you be the
35:39boss
35:41Yes
35:43Because I'm the real boss
35:46And I told you so motherfucker so do it
35:55Cheryl Sandberg that woman who wrote lean-in has had such a big impact that now because of her
36:02There is a ban on the word bossy in elementary schools because according to her
36:08It's sexist to use the word bossy because boys are never called bossy
36:15So now instead of saying you're bossy you're supposed to say you have executive leadership skills
36:24Which is a very roundabout way of saying you're a little cunt
36:35I'm just waiting for the right moment to like become a housewife financially, you know
36:41I want my husband to get us to like a certain point
36:45Financially I want to get to the point as a couple where I can comfortably afford
36:51sliced mango
36:54I'm talking about i'm talking about that whole foods mango that ten dollar a box
36:59Whole foods mango that was sliced by white people that's the kind of income bracket i'm striving for
37:06That's when you know you've made it when you're eating mango that was sliced by a dude named noah. I
37:12want noah mango
37:14Rebecca kiwi
37:16Danielle pineapple
37:19You know what else I want? I want to be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk
37:26See a quarter and just keep on walking
37:32Like a princess
37:36I have some useful advice for all my asian american brothers and sisters
37:43Never go paintballing with a vietnam veteran
37:55So I don't know if you guys can tell but I am seven and a half months pregnant
38:02Yeah
38:04It's very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant
38:12Because female comics don't get pregnant
38:20Just try to think of one I dare you there's there's none of them
38:24Once they do get pregnant they generally disappear
38:27That's not the case with male comics once they have a baby
38:31They'll get up on stage a week afterwards and they'll be like guys
38:35I just had this fucking baby that baby's a little piece of shit
38:39It's so annoying and boring and all these other shitty dads in the audience are like that's hilarious
38:45I
38:46Identify and their fame just swells
38:49Because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden
38:53Meanwhile the mom is at home
38:55Chapping her nipples feeding the fucking baby
38:58And wearing a frozen diaper because her pussy needs to heal from the baby's head shredding it up
39:04She's busy
39:10So I don't know what's going to happen to me
39:15You know a lot of my female stand-up comic friends who are a lot more successful
39:20And famous than me
39:22Discouraged me from having a kid and they were like ali
39:25Why are you going to have a kid you're just going to become you're going to disappear
39:29And you're going to become some lame stay-at-home mom
39:33I was like yeah, that's the dream
39:38That's the point this is the ultimate trap
39:42I won you know
39:46Another thing a lot of my friends said to me when they were discouraging me from having a kid
39:51They were like why are you going to have a kid?
39:53Why don't you just travel the world with your husband and just do whatever you want for the rest of
39:59your lives
40:00With no kid attached I was like, yeah, that's cool
40:04Until my husband dies
40:07Which he's definitely gonna before me
40:10Because i'm an asian woman and therefore guaranteed to live until i'm a billion
40:20I'm guaranteed like a turtle from the galapagos, okay
40:25We all know the phrase black don't crack
40:29Well asian don't die
40:34We don't die especially the women we live forever
40:38And you know why we're such bad drivers
40:41Because we're trying to die
40:48We're like yeah, let me see how invincible i really am
40:53I'm gonna make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely
40:57I gotta make a right turn. I changed my mind. It's a u-turn
41:01I changed my mind again. It's an o-turn
41:11Every time i get into a car accident
41:19I'm like oh my god, not again
41:23I need to hide my face so that everybody doesn't see that it's what everybody thought it was gonna be
41:32It's so embarrassing
41:34My toyota corolla is a mess
41:38There's this huge bear claw scratch on the side from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere
41:46And then on the hood there's multiple hand prints from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence
41:55I don't know what's wrong with me, but i'm still here
41:58You know
42:02I need to have children to keep me company when i get older
42:07It's lonely. My mom is 80 going through a full-blown midlife crisis
42:16Because she knows that she's got a century more to go
42:21And she is so lonely all of her white friends dead
42:25her mexican friends dead black friends dead
42:36I'm just kidding. She doesn't have any black friends
42:42Life is not rush hour the movie okay
42:49I need children to be there for me when i'm older when i get as old as her and when
42:55i say be there for me
42:56I mean pay for me when my husband isn't around to support me anymore
43:01I'm not trying to be one of those old chinese ladies who recycles for a living. That's not my destiny
43:06Okay
43:08Old chinese ladies. They don't give a fuck. They got no shame. They're like i'm just gonna recycle
43:14Go bald
43:15Go to the park do this shit
43:34They do that because it's a free activity
43:37For them they do it in their their big-ass v-stibiano visor
43:42Their darth vader tomb raider boba fett helmet
43:45They wear that to protect themselves from their arch nemesis the sun
43:49They're in a contest to see who's gonna burn out first
43:53Old asian ladies and the sun are like the tupac and biggie of longevity
44:03I also decided to have a kid because
44:08I'm only 33 which i know is not technically high risk
44:12But my body was starting to show signs of change
44:16And it and it scared me like i'm only 33 and
44:22My pussy is not as wet as it used to be
44:29It's very demoralizing okay
44:31Do you remember when you were 18 years old and your pussy was just sopping wet
44:36All the time all the time you just took it for granted that you could just reach your hand down
44:43your pants
44:43At any given moment you throw up the peace sign afterwards and there would be that snail trail
44:49In between your fingers. Oh my god. It was so juicy. You could just flow a bubble wand with it
44:54Just I slime you I slime you ghostbusters
45:07I don't know what kind of mother i'm gonna be
45:18I'm 33 and i did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get
45:24pregnant and a lot of that
45:26Is most likely my fault because when i was in my 20s i ate plan b like skittles
45:34So my uterus probably looked like a smoker's lung
45:41And i found out that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low
45:47So then i had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories and push pop them up myself every single
45:54Night and then at my writing job at fresh off the boat
45:57I would be storyboarding in front of my co-workers
46:00And then at some point the pill would inevitably dissolve and melt into my underwear
46:05And i had to act like everything was okay when everything was clearly not okay
46:13And then a side effect of the progesterone was that it made me extremely itchy
46:18So then i had to find ways to discreetly scratch myself
46:21Underneath the conference table and then resist the urge to immediately smell my fingers afterwards
46:29I want to be able to smell my fingers when i want to smell my own goddamn fingers
46:34Housewives they can just scratch and sniff all day long
46:38They just vacuum scratch sniff they make a sandwich
46:44They watch property brothers scratch what's back in
46:52Every time you scratch yourself all you can think about is when can i smell my fingers when can i
46:57smell my fingers when can i discreetly find a way to
47:04Smell my fingers
47:06Nature made you urgently curious to protect you because you got to check that it's all good in the hood
47:13If it's too funky you need to see a doctor your fingers are your first web md
47:24When my husband and i were trying to have a kid a lot of people were like oh my god,
47:29that's so hot you guys doing a lot of fucking
47:33No, dude, that's that's shit you do in your 20s. Okay
47:37When when you're in your 30s and you've been trying to get pregnant for a while it gets very clinical
47:42you pee on these ovulation strips
47:44That tell you when the eggs are dropping it tells you when it's easter time
47:50And i would only fuck him when it was easter time
47:53Outside it's like only four days out of the month and outside of that i would be like we're not
47:57fucking
47:58I need you to save it
48:00I want your sperm to be as pent up and as angry and rapey as possible so that when they
48:08come out it's like release the kraken
48:13And they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees escaping a dictatorship, you know
48:20And um
48:22Yeah, and most of the time like we wouldn't even have sex because i was so tired when i would
48:28come home
48:28And see the smiley face on the ovulation strip and i'd be like okay
48:32It's go time and i would just give my husband a handjob most of the time and he would close
48:37his eyes
48:38Immediately i know what that means
48:41Okay, when somebody closes their eyes during sex, it's not because they're in such ecstasy with you
48:47That they need to close their eyes when somebody closes their eyes during sex
48:53It's because they're literally trying to shut the image of your face out of their head
48:58And instead project two latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day on red tube onto the back of their
49:04eyelids
49:05Which is fine by me because then he doesn't have to see the expression on my face that says please
49:11hurry the fuck up
49:14And then when he was about to finish i could always tell because the indication is very universal when a
49:21man is about to finish it's when they get that
49:25That stupid ass look on their face
49:28Where they look like they just got bit by a zombie
49:41And then because we're hippies i'd be like hey, hey, please look me in the eye and remember to come
49:46with intention
49:47Okay
49:48And then i would jump on him and hold on to his neck and i would just twerk twerk twerk
49:53the shit out of him
49:55And do some of this shit that I learned in atlanta
49:59And then i would turn upside down immediately afterwards
50:04To make sure all of that harvard nectar would just drain inside of me
50:09That's right because i don't want to work anymore
50:23I'm very grateful to be
50:25pregnant and to be
50:27This far along to be seven and a half months pregnant because last year i had a miscarriage
50:33Which is very common and a lot of women who are in their 20s flip out when they hear that
50:38and they're like oh my god
50:39That's so dark and terrible. I can't believe that i'm 33
50:43Girl when you're 33 you'll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage
50:48It's super common and I wish more women would talk about it so they wouldn't feel so bad when they
50:54go through it
50:55When I told my mom she's from a third world country and when I told her I had one she
50:59was like
51:00Uh yeah where i'm from that's like losing a pair of shoes
51:05It's whatevs okay and everything happens for a reason I found out at my six-week sonogram
51:12Which is very early and the doctor says to me oh my god
51:16I see two sacks which means you're having twins
51:21And I was like
51:21No
51:25And then she said but what I don't see is a heartbeat and I was like
51:34The lord is mysterious
51:39Don't feel bad okay they were the size of poppy seeds i've picked boogers larger than the twins that I
51:46lost
51:49And most women won't let their husbands watch when they're going through a miscarriage
51:53I sat my husband down in front of me while I sat on the toilet and I was like you
51:58look
52:00You watched the whole thing and he felt so bad for me
52:04And I used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and got him to
52:10do whatever the fuck
52:11I wanted him to do for 30 days he took me to see beyonce
52:16He bought me a bike off of craigslist that's my miscarriage bike and I love it very much
52:23For 30 days I finally had the marriage I always wanted
52:30I'm scared about giving childbirth though i'm i'm very very scared of childbirth
52:36That's why i'm going to hire a doula
52:39You know what that is you know the doula is that's a white hippie witch
52:47That blows quinoa into your pussy to kaiser soze all the paint away
52:55A lot of women tried to freak me out
52:57They tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying ally did you know that you're gonna poop on the
53:03table
53:06I was like yeah, I look forward to it
53:11I'm all backed up from holding in my shit at work
53:15I can't wait to cleanse
53:18It makes sense like that you that that happens because when you're in labor you push you push you push
53:24and your husband
53:25Will be asked to assist in the labor by lifting up your leg which subsequently turns into a soft serve
53:32lever
53:32You just
53:34Shit on the floor
53:36In front of the love of your life and just when you think that's enough to make him finally leave
53:40you
53:41Boom a baby comes out and he got a stick
53:46That's the real miracle of life right there
53:52I can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage because the baby hasn't even
53:58come out yet
53:59And I am already so resentful towards my husband
54:04So much resentment especially when he asked me to do shit around the house
54:08Hey, can you wash the dishes?
54:10No
54:11Can you water the plants?
54:12I'm not doing jack shit anymore
54:15I'm busy making an eyeball okay
54:19Are you making a foot? I didn't think so you change the channel
54:26I can already see how there's like this crazy double standard in our society
54:31Of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad
54:36And it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom
54:41People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor's appointments with me
54:47Oh my god, I can't believe he comes to all your doctor's appointments. He is so supportive
54:53Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments?
54:56Me! I'm the star of the show
55:00There's nothing for the camera to see if I'm not there
55:04But he's the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn
55:08Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms seven months pregnant, I'm a bad mommy
55:18You know, I like I berate my husband on like a daily basis
55:25Partially because I really am mad at him, but mostly at a survival because if he leaves me, I'm fucked
55:32So I have to chip away at his self-esteem on a daily basis
55:38To keep him down so that he doesn't believe that he's worthy of another woman's affection and leaves me
55:45I gotta keep him around by keeping him down
55:51People don't tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body when you get pregnant, you know
55:56Your nipples get huge and dark. I didn't know that
56:00I didn't know that they get dark so that the baby can see like a bullseye
56:06So that the baby can find it easier
56:08And then you know, they get big they get big like fingers like you
56:13You, you owe me money, you
56:16My nipples look like whoppers now and naked I look like a minion
56:22But I'm not going to be one of those crazy
56:24Pregnant ladies who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant
56:29No
56:30Hopefully if you see me in a year, I will have the kind of body where if I do a
56:35nude scene on television
56:38People will commend me for being courageous
56:43For doing it
56:47Now that I'm seven and a half months pregnant my pussies all wet again
56:51But it's different. It's not like when I was 18 years old when it was like really hot, you know
56:56And I was like, why is it different?
56:58And I looked it up and my pussies all wet again because my body's secreting mucus to protect the baby
57:04from bacteria attacking it
57:08That's not the same
57:11When it's straight-up soldier glue when it's neosporin
57:20So, you know, I I in
57:23Previously before I met my husband. I had dated a bunch of losers
57:27And then I meet this dream guy who's like way more handsome than me out of my league graduated from
57:32harvard business school
57:33worked hard to trap his ass
57:36Got him to propose to me. Oh my god, then we got married all my dreams coming true, and then
57:42we got pregnant
57:43And recently we bought our first home together
57:47And uh two weeks into the escrow process
57:51I discovered that my beautiful harvard educated husband
57:56was seventy thousand dollars in debt
58:04And me with my hard-earned tv money paid it all off
58:17So as it turns out he's the one who trapped me
58:27How did he do it? How did he bamboozle me?
58:32Oh, maybe because he went to harvard business school
58:37The epicenter of white-collar crime he enron my ass
58:42And now if I don't work we die
58:46Why else do you think I'm performing seven and a half months pregnant?
58:51All right, I've been Ali Wong. Have a good night everybody. Thank you
59:06I'm
59:20I
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