Comic Nate Bargatze touches on air travel, cheap weddings, college football, chocolate milk and the perils of ordering coffee in this stand-up special.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #natebargatze #natebargatzecomedy #natebargatzestandup
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FunTranscript
00:00:10Please welcome my daddy, Nate Boy Getzy.
00:00:33We're doing it, this is it, this is, you know, something.
00:00:40Thank you guys for coming out, I appreciate it, very excited.
00:00:44I tried to, I'm always like trying to lose weight and then like you think I'll tape a
00:00:49special that will, you know, that'll do it and then you just kind of, next thing you
00:00:53know it's already started, so, I had a thing that happened that I do, it was like I got
00:01:05to get it together, like I like to golf and so I'll sometimes bring clubs and I'll golf
00:01:11on the road and so I was in Florida and we go golfing, it's very hot, humid, gross, you
00:01:16get kind of feeling gross, so I wanted to change shirts before I drove back and I go to the
00:01:23trunk of my car and I take my shirt off, standing there, no shirt, and this old man walks up
00:01:29and goes, Olivia, I had a turn, I was like, I'm sorry, what did you say, I'm sorry, he was
00:01:43like, oh, sorry, honest mistake and I was like, I don't know, he was looking for his elderly
00:01:50wife and saw me with no shirt on and thought that could be Olivia, I had a car that he
00:01:59does
00:01:59not recognize, none of this is making him not, he's like, I don't know, that's a dead ringer
00:02:05for Olivia. I don't know who he disrespected more, me or Olivia, to be honest, I mean, we
00:02:16could both have a word with him. I travel all the time and if I fly Delta, if I buy
00:02:28a ticket
00:02:28through Delta's system, my name in their system is Nathan and on my license, my name is Nathaniel.
00:02:36I do not remember making this decision.
00:02:41It's a big deal, you can't just change it, I've tried, I've asked Delta if they could change
00:02:46it and they're like, we can't change it and you're like, and I don't know, I don't know
00:02:50where we go from here, you know. If you can't do it, who can do it? I mean, do you
00:02:56call, is
00:02:57that why people call senators? Do they do it? Because I don't know. What you have to
00:03:07do, you have to mail your birth certificate in. Some moms give their children their birth
00:03:13certificates. I've never received mine. I thought I was the proof of my birth. And you
00:03:23got to mail it in. I've never been a big mail-in guy. I've held maybe four letters my entire
00:03:29life. I've just never done it. Stamps make me nervous. Because I don't know how many you're
00:03:35supposed to put on, like, where they're going to be like, you should put one more on. And
00:03:40they change the price of stamps and that's not in the news, you know. You don't find that
00:03:46out on Twitter. You have to find out from old people. They're the only people that know.
00:03:54They keep up with it. They're like, stamps went up. You're like, okay. All right. Is it
00:04:00a hundred dollars? Like, they're furious. Is it a hundred dollars a stamp? It's three more
00:04:07pennies. So I will never go through that process to get my name changed. So I just deal with
00:04:17it. And it gets brought up. Once I was checking a bag and the guy by the counter, he sees
00:04:23my
00:04:23ticket says Nathan. The license says Nathaniel. And he was like, this is not good.
00:04:31He goes, these names don't match. And I was like, but they match, right? Like, you can see the leap
00:04:37that we took to get from one to the other. And he was like, but they're not the same. I
00:04:46was like,
00:04:46but they're the same. And I'm realizing he cannot find out people call me Nate at that point because
00:04:53I mean, he can't handle that. He's going to call the police over to be like, there's a guy with
00:04:57three
00:04:57names trying to fly right here. If you guys want to just shoot them from over there or something.
00:05:05So I was like, what do you want me to do? And he goes, you should go home. That's all
00:05:08I got.
00:05:09He's like, I can't believe you've made it this far. I was like, let me just try it. You know,
00:05:17shouldn't I try it? I said, look, I'll give you that those names don't match. But what I think
00:05:23is going to help a ton is the picture on the ID, something that I've always loved that they did.
00:05:31And I think with 70% of that name matching and a hundred percent face, it's 170%.
00:05:45I think I'll get through. And this is what he told me. He says, honestly, what he said,
00:05:51he goes, uh, he goes, look, man, I get it. All right. He's trying to relate to me. And he
00:05:56was
00:05:56like, my name's Joseph. That's what's on my license. So I can't buy a ticket under my nickname
00:06:01Bart. They're not going to let me through. And he said it like, right? Like, do you know,
00:06:07does that make sense? And I was like, that doesn't at all. Those are two different names. All right.
00:06:11I should be over there and you should be over here because that's how you're treating me.
00:06:15Like I'm a Joseph Bart.
00:06:22I made it through. And on that trip, uh, I was going to Seattle and you've ever been to Seattle.
00:06:30Uh, Mount Rainier is near Seattle. That's what they call it. That. And I don't, I that's,
00:06:37I don't know if that's true. Just so y'all, uh, it felt like y'all took that, like,
00:06:41yeah. Uh, so I, we're going out to Mount Rainier and I was with a buddy of mine. And, uh,
00:06:50Mount
00:06:51Rainier is the, it's the third biggest mountain in America. It's the, it's a good one to go
00:06:56to. I don't know who number one or number two is, but maybe one day it will be number one.
00:07:01You know, do mountains keep growing? I don't think we know that yet. So it's a good time to
00:07:06see it. It doesn't have the attitude of one or two. So me and my buddy, we rented a car.
00:07:14He's driving
00:07:15on the way out there. I see a dead horse just laid out in this guy's yard. And I've never
00:07:22seen that
00:07:22before. And I was like, man, I bet you don't think about that. When you buy a horse, it dying,
00:07:27you know, what do you do? That's a huge thing dying in your yard. You can't just scoot it off
00:07:32into the woods with your foot and try to get another one that matches before the kids come
00:07:37home. You have to tell your wife to keep the kids away for a month. You got to Google how
00:07:42to move a dead horse. You got to probably try to get another horse to help you do it. And
00:07:48that's not easy. That's what the blinders were invented for. Cause it's like, just look
00:07:53ahead. Don't worry about what's going on back. No, look. All right. You got to get your friends
00:07:59to help you do it. And you can't spill the beans too quick on that. You think it's hard
00:08:03for them to help you move a couch. Try a dead horse. You got to lie to them. Like, we're
00:08:08getting a divorce. Just come over, bring your truck and some gloves.
00:08:15And when they get there, let me tell you, they're going to see it. All right. Everybody
00:08:19saw it. It was next to the road. And they're going to pull into that driveway and just be
00:08:24like, I don't think they're going to divorce at all. I think we're here to move that dead
00:08:29horse is what I think. Let's let him bring it up. All right. Make him ask. But I'll be
00:08:39shocked if we don't touch that dead horse today. And if you ever have to move a dead
00:08:48horse, I've thought a lot about all this. You want to be the first one to the horse. All
00:08:53right. You don't want someone else to tell you where to grab a dead horse. So you run
00:08:58out there. Like, you love it. Like, you're like, this is what I hoped it was. And get
00:09:02to the hoofs in the front and be like, all right, I'm here. You guys decide where you
00:09:06guys want to be.
00:09:12So now we are basically at Mount Rainier. That was the whole car ride. And if you ever go,
00:09:21just so you know, you have to pay to go up it. It's not a free mountain. Someone bought
00:09:25it and they're charging tickets. It's also all uphill. It's a nightmare. So be ready for
00:09:32those things. We drive up, we park, and we're walking up the trail. So we're going up it
00:09:40halfway. I mean, I can barely breathe. And this couple's coming down. So I stopped them. I was
00:09:46like, hey, is this enough where we're at? You know, is this like, you get it. Like, we're
00:09:51not trying to live on this mountain. And the lady goes, I'm 75 years old. And I did it. And
00:09:57I was like, all right, maybe that's why you didn't hear the question that I asked.
00:10:06Everybody's pretty cocky on the way down. I mean, there was women with babies. They
00:10:11had three-month-old babies strapped to their chest. I was like, why would you bring that
00:10:14much extra weight with you? I left my wallet in the car. They looked exhausted. I'm surprised
00:10:19there's not just babies left up there and rangers have to come down. Whose baby's this?
00:10:24That's ours. We're going to let it grow up and come down on its own.
00:10:30So we get our picture and we come back down and we're driving back. And on the way back,
00:10:36since my buddy was driving, he did not see the dead horse, you know? And I'm like, we
00:10:41can't not see it. So it's just one road. And I was like, I'll just show you where it's
00:10:46at. So we get, we're driving and we get to it. I was like, it's right here. And I pointed
00:10:50and the horse was standing up doing unbelievable. One of the healthier horses that I've ever
00:10:59seen. So I learned that horses lay down to sleep. I did not know that.
00:11:10I don't know what I thought before that day. I don't know that they locked their knees. That's
00:11:15why they have four knees. I don't know. That's what I, I would have probably argued you with
00:11:19about it. People put signs up that say like horses lay down. Don't call 911. Cause people call the
00:11:29police. They drive by a horse laying down at some guy's yard and like y'all guys should go like
00:11:37deal
00:11:37with that. And they're like, some people knock on people's door. Hey, is your dad home? Your horse
00:11:42died outside. And I thought you should hear it from a stranger first. Uh, I'm a, I'm married. I'm still
00:11:54married. And I, thanks. Yeah. I, uh, I like to say it, you know, like, like I'm at the same
00:12:02job,
00:12:02just like, yeah, no, still work there. Uh, yeah. Right out of high school. Only job I applied for.
00:12:09Uh, my wife will tell me that she's, she always says that I don't like the way she talks
00:12:17and it's not her voice. I like the sound of her voice. That'd be a big problem. I think if
00:12:22it was
00:12:22like, it's your voice, I just hate it just to go to a couple's therapy and be like, can you
00:12:27hear it?
00:12:28Right. Like it's not, you know, it's not fun.
00:12:35It's the information that she chooses to tell me at times.
00:12:40We took a trip, uh, to Florida, to Fort Lauderdale and her and our daughter are flying
00:12:46from Nashville where we live. And I'm flying from Detroit. We're meeting at Fort Lauderdale's
00:12:51airport. I have to find them when they land. So I called her cause I was about to take off.
00:12:56And I was like, all right, what time do you guys leave? She goes, noon. And it was 1130
00:13:00and they're still at home. I was like, Laura, I don't know if you even know what an airport is.
00:13:08But if that plane was in our driveway, I don't think you could make it.
00:13:16And she said, that's what time we leave for the airport. Our flight's not till 130.
00:13:19And I was like, all right, all right. So what do you think I wanted to know when I asked
00:13:25that?
00:13:31Is that what you thought the best time you could give me was a time that means nothing to nobody?
00:13:37What time did you go to bed last night? Just tell me that.
00:13:39And I'll just look up all the planes that land in Florida and I'll guess which one I think you're
00:13:44on.
00:13:48She said, I'm sorry I don't talk the way you want me to talk.
00:13:50I'm like, I want you to talk like a regular person. All right.
00:13:53Like you've been around people before, you know.
00:13:59We didn't talk in Florida. I'll tell you that.
00:14:09She's good at not talking to me. She can go a long time.
00:14:12She could do her whole marriage career.
00:14:17Marriage fights are great because they're all very dumb.
00:14:21I would say 90% of them are dumb.
00:14:2310% the cops show up.
00:14:26But we got in a fight.
00:14:31Once over chocolate milk.
00:14:34We didn't talk for 24 hours.
00:14:38What happened is I brought chocolate milk home and she was like, why did you bring it home?
00:14:44And I was like, you're supposed to drink it after you work out.
00:14:48And she was like, that's not true.
00:14:50And I was like, well, there's a commercial on TV that probably looked into it more than you did.
00:14:54So I decided to listen to them.
00:14:58And she said, that's just the milk people pushing chocolate milk.
00:15:01And I was like, you don't even know what that statement means.
00:15:04You don't know if there's milk people.
00:15:06And I think chocolate milk's doing fine.
00:15:08I don't think they're sitting on barrels of it.
00:15:11And they're like, we got to make up a lie.
00:15:12We got to get rid of this chocolate milk.
00:15:19She went to college, all right, and I did not.
00:15:21But she did not study chocolate milk.
00:15:24When is it good and not good for you?
00:15:29To be fair to her, though, I do not work out.
00:15:35So, you know, but I was probably going to start.
00:15:38And I needed to get all this stuff there.
00:15:43Do you ever get in those fights?
00:15:44Like, you'll be at home, like, you and your spouse, and you guys are not talking to each other.
00:15:49And you're in the house together.
00:15:51No kids.
00:15:52The house is quiet.
00:15:53And you just stay on opposite ends, and then you pass each other in the hallway.
00:15:58That's, like, the funniest part of it.
00:15:59Because you don't live in a mansion, and you have one hallway.
00:16:02And you just didn't time it out right.
00:16:04And you just have to walk by each other like strangers.
00:16:07You're like, oh, excuse me, sorry, yeah, no, go ahead.
00:16:14She'll be watching TV.
00:16:15I'm like, ma'am, are you watching this?
00:16:16I couldn't tell.
00:16:17I was going to change it if you weren't watching it.
00:16:23It's the silent treatment.
00:16:24The silent treatment is a very common thing.
00:16:27Everybody knows what it is.
00:16:29I think women are just born knowing it.
00:16:31I don't think you're taught it.
00:16:32I don't think it's like my mom did it and her mom.
00:16:37It's an instinct that's in us all that we all just know.
00:16:42Here's what made me think of that.
00:16:45I rewatched the movie Sixth Sense.
00:16:49And I'm not trying to do a Sixth Sense joke.
00:16:51This is a 20-year-old movie.
00:16:54I also have to spoil it, but it's, I mean, it's 20 years old, so if you don't know by
00:17:02now, I don't know what to tell you, you know?
00:17:04And don't be like, we were going to watch it tonight.
00:17:09We were going to go to Blockbuster on the way home.
00:17:11And there's, but, so he's, you know, he's dead the whole time.
00:17:21And I don't know.
00:17:24I mean, that's, if you haven't seen it, that's a, it's a pretty big part of it.
00:17:29But for those that have, think about when you watched it.
00:17:35When we all saw this movie for the first time, none of us knew he was dead.
00:17:38That was the biggest surprise we've ever seen in our life, you know?
00:17:42We just thought his wife wasn't talking to him for like a year.
00:17:45That made more sense to us than him possibly being dead.
00:17:57And I was like, when I watched it, I was like, what, do they show him dying?
00:17:59Yeah.
00:18:00That guy shoots him with a gun.
00:18:02That's how the movies start.
00:18:03That's how obvious they're like, hey, he's dead.
00:18:05And we still watched it for two hours, just like, I know what this guy's going through,
00:18:09you know?
00:18:10This is, this is a movie about marriage and how hard marriage is.
00:18:14Yeah.
00:18:15Even if you get shot, it's your fault.
00:18:23On a, on a sadder note of sorts, we, we had to put our dog down recently.
00:18:30And, uh, it's a tough thing to do, you know?
00:18:33There was, nothing was wrong with her.
00:18:35I'm just really busy right now.
00:18:39And she's, no, she was very sick.
00:18:41That was a joke.
00:18:42All right?
00:18:42She was, that was a joke.
00:18:44And she would have loved that joke.
00:18:45So don't you worry about it.
00:18:47That's the type of humor she had.
00:18:49She was a rescue.
00:18:50It's not your labradoodle humor.
00:18:52All right?
00:18:52It's a little darker.
00:18:58She, uh, she was a wonderful dog.
00:19:01We loved her.
00:19:02And, uh, her name was Annie.
00:19:04And the reason we got her was my sister worked at a vet.
00:19:07And people do put dogs down for no reason.
00:19:09So if someone brought a dog in, that was fine.
00:19:12They just didn't want it.
00:19:13Uh, my sister couldn't do it.
00:19:15So she would walk the dog back and then just steal the dog.
00:19:18So, uh, like, I don't know the laws on all of that, but I'm sure now people are finding
00:19:23out that their dog's still alive right now.
00:19:26Like, they're like, so, uh, we got Annie.
00:19:30Annie was getting put down.
00:19:31She was a hunting dog.
00:19:32And she was terrible at it.
00:19:34And she was bred to be a hunting dog.
00:19:36And she was just, like, a misfit toy that just couldn't, didn't do it.
00:19:40She got shot once.
00:19:42And that's because the guy, like, she would, like, he would be, like, doing target practice.
00:19:46And then he would, she'd just walk in front of the targets.
00:19:50And he would, like, hit her.
00:19:51And he's like, what are you doing?
00:19:52And she's like, what are you doing?
00:19:58She had, uh, no awareness about her, like, the senses that dogs have.
00:20:03We had turkeys in our backyard once.
00:20:05And I let her out to go chase these turkeys.
00:20:07You know, retired hunting dog.
00:20:08Figured that's fun.
00:20:11And we have very normal backyards.
00:20:13Not Yellowstone Park.
00:20:14You can see all of it at all times.
00:20:18I, like, push her out.
00:20:20And she just pees.
00:20:21And then comes back in the house.
00:20:22Never sees the turkeys.
00:20:25And I'm just looking at her, like, you didn't feel anything?
00:20:27Like, nothing was going?
00:20:28Like, I sensed it as a human on the couch.
00:20:31I felt there was turkeys outside.
00:20:32You want to take just one lap around and see it?
00:20:37The guy used her a lot for duck hunting.
00:20:40So he would shoot a duck.
00:20:41She's supposed to run and go get it and then bring it back.
00:20:44So what I like to picture is he shoots the duck.
00:20:47She runs out.
00:20:48Comes back.
00:20:49No duck.
00:20:50And she's like, I don't even know what we're doing.
00:20:52All right.
00:20:53I did not.
00:20:54A million things flew in the air when you shot that gun.
00:20:56And I'm supposed to know which one you hit?
00:20:58And the guy's just looking at her.
00:21:00And then she's like, you're not even the guy that I came out here with.
00:21:06Do you see?
00:21:07Is there another guy out here by any chance?
00:21:13Our daughter would put birthday cone hats on her.
00:21:15And one time one slipped over her eye.
00:21:17And it was like that for six hours.
00:21:20I was just trying to see how long.
00:21:22Like, how is it accidentally not coming off?
00:21:25And she was just going about her day.
00:21:26Just eating, drinking.
00:21:27Like, yeah, I can't see all that eye no more.
00:21:29All right?
00:21:30That's the cards I was dealt.
00:21:32And that's okay.
00:21:34And then I pulled it off of her.
00:21:36And she's like, oh, I didn't know you were a doctor.
00:21:37And I'm like, I am a doctor.
00:21:40Just two dumb animals talking to each other.
00:21:44So she had skin cancer.
00:21:46And she would get all these spots on her.
00:21:48So we kept getting them removed.
00:21:49But it was really starting to take a toll on her.
00:21:51And she was older.
00:21:52So we knew the day was close.
00:21:54And our daughter, she's six now.
00:21:56But she was five at the time.
00:21:57This was her first pet.
00:21:59She was best friends with this dog.
00:22:00And it was the first thing that was going to die in her lifetime.
00:22:03So it's a lot of stuff to have to explain to a kid, you know?
00:22:06And so I was talking to my wife about, like, how are we going to tell her?
00:22:09And at first I was like, let's just act like we didn't have a dog.
00:22:14Five-year-olds are smart.
00:22:15But if we stick together on this, and she comes home from school and is like, where's the dog?
00:22:20And we're like, what dog?
00:22:21Like, I don't...
00:22:23I've never seen a dog.
00:22:24Don't you think I would know if there was a dog?
00:22:26So...
00:22:29But I read an article about the long-term damage of that.
00:22:32It's pretty good.
00:22:33So...
00:22:38I was just honest with her.
00:22:39And I sat her down.
00:22:40I said, look, Annie's very sick.
00:22:41And she's older.
00:22:42And she's going to die soon.
00:22:44And this happens.
00:22:44So just love her as much as you can right now.
00:22:46And she took it as good as a five-year-old can take it.
00:22:48So the next day, I kind of told her again.
00:22:50You got to tell kids over and over again.
00:22:52I kind of kept telling her.
00:22:53I didn't want this to be a surprise.
00:22:55And then Annie surprised us by living six months longer.
00:22:58I mean, we were way off on when we thought she was going to die.
00:23:02But I already started telling my daughter I didn't want to stop and then have to start it again.
00:23:06So I just kept it up for six months.
00:23:09Every day, I was like, she'll die.
00:23:11All right?
00:23:12She will die.
00:23:15She will die.
00:23:16I will die.
00:23:17Your mom's dead.
00:23:25So we get, finally the day was here.
00:23:30And our daughter was at school.
00:23:31And so my sister and my wife, they took Annie to go have to put her to sleep.
00:23:37And I went to go pick up our daughter to tell her.
00:23:39I've already been telling her.
00:23:40And so I picked her up.
00:23:42I told her.
00:23:43It was brutal.
00:23:44Very sad.
00:23:45She took it as if this was the first she's heard about it.
00:23:52But we get home.
00:23:53And my wife was like, how was it?
00:23:55Which is already a dumb, like, it was great.
00:23:57You know?
00:23:59I loved it.
00:24:00Can't wait for the next thing to die.
00:24:04Nice to say I told you so.
00:24:05You know?
00:24:08I told my wife it was terrible.
00:24:09You know?
00:24:10And then my wife goes, you didn't tell her that I did it, did you?
00:24:14And I was like, no.
00:24:15Why would I say that?
00:24:16Like, I didn't even think about it.
00:24:18You know?
00:24:19And I looked at her like, is that what you would have said, though?
00:24:22Would you have told her that I did it?
00:24:27You know how your dad's been talking about the dog dying?
00:24:29Well, he's finally had enough.
00:24:35We've been married 12 years, and our wedding, it was not good.
00:24:43This is not my fault.
00:24:46This was my mom and my wife planned the wedding, and they're both cheap.
00:24:51So they cut corners.
00:24:53If we hire someone to do something at our house, I promise he does not do that job full-time.
00:25:01He'll be fixing our dishwasher, and we're like, do you paint houses?
00:25:04And he's like, yeah, I probably could paint houses, you know?
00:25:07His business card says, how hard could it be?
00:25:09Right?
00:25:09It can't be that hard.
00:25:14We got married on Friday the 13th.
00:25:16Got a pretty sweet deal on that.
00:25:20They were wide open.
00:25:22We were like, what times are available?
00:25:24They go, every one of them.
00:25:25All 24.
00:25:26You can call us that day if you want.
00:25:30Her brother married us.
00:25:32That was free.
00:25:34The photographer was just a buddy of ours that had, like, he just bought a new camera.
00:25:38So we were like, you want to do our wedding?
00:25:39Never done anything professionally, and it showed.
00:25:44His camera stopped working during it, and he started taking stuff out of it.
00:25:48Like, that would be the problem.
00:25:49Like, it's like, yeah, you know what?
00:25:51I bet they put too much stuff inside of it when they built it.
00:25:54You should yank some of those wires.
00:25:55That's not supposed to be in there like that.
00:25:59Our DJ was awful, and that's because we got my mom to hire the DJ.
00:26:03I don't know who thinks to ask someone in their 50s for DJ recommendations.
00:26:09No one ever is like, Mom, were you in with the local DJ scene by any chance?
00:26:15She hired someone older than her.
00:26:18He just had CDs, and this was when computers were doing real good.
00:26:27He got super drunk, played the same song three times in a row.
00:26:33White Wedding, which he said was by Billy Joel.
00:26:40He only had one leg, seriously, and that's fine.
00:26:44You know, no one cares until he starts messing up, and then you're like, why does he have one leg?
00:26:58The best wedding I've ever been to was my cousin's wedding.
00:27:02It was a real redneck affair.
00:27:05It was right outside Louisville, Kentucky, where my parents are from.
00:27:08And my cousin's name is Tuesday, which is a good start.
00:27:15The invitation said Tuesday's getting married, rehearsal's Friday, wedding's Saturday.
00:27:19People were like, we've got to be there Monday for this wedding?
00:27:21How long is this wedding?
00:27:22It's a week?
00:27:27We get there.
00:27:28I'm wearing a button-down shirt, khaki pants, nothing crazy.
00:27:31I'm wildly overdressed.
00:27:33I look like I work there.
00:27:36Everybody else just has a football or basketball jersey on.
00:27:41My uncle, his daughter's getting married.
00:27:43He has his tuxedo jacket, pants, cummerbund, bow tie, no shirt.
00:27:49They forgot his shirt, and instead of waiting to go get it, he was like, let's do it without it,
00:27:53right?
00:27:53Like, that's...
00:27:56And he doesn't have a body that's like, that's cool, man.
00:27:58You know, he has a body that you're like, put your jacket on backwards.
00:28:02Flip it around.
00:28:03Yeah.
00:28:05And then you see his back, and you're like, whew, all right, go back the regular way.
00:28:08Yeah, that's my fault.
00:28:10How's your back worse than your front?
00:28:16We go into the church.
00:28:17It's bride and groom.
00:28:18Looks like it's home and away.
00:28:19That's how many jerseys are in there.
00:28:25Guys are drinking beers in the church.
00:28:27Like, that's something I've never heard a pastor be like, guys, could we not drink alcohol in the church?
00:28:32And they're like, oh, didn't know this was the nice part of town.
00:28:35All right.
00:28:37The reception is next door, just at a lady's house, like, in her backyard.
00:28:43Like, she doesn't do...
00:28:44It isn't like she's like, and I do receptions all the time.
00:28:46We were her one and only reception.
00:28:49So we walk over.
00:28:51They took a horse and buggy.
00:28:52The horse was the oldest horse I've ever seen.
00:28:55I thought it was a donkey.
00:28:56I thought they got a deal on a donkey.
00:28:58And the guy was like, this horse was in the Kentucky Derby.
00:29:01Like, the first one that they did?
00:29:03Is that secretariat's father?
00:29:05How old is this horse, man?
00:29:06You know they lay down, right?
00:29:08Uh, so we walk.
00:29:14They took, they, they, it took some, it took them 45 minutes.
00:29:17They went up a driveway and back down the next driveway.
00:29:20They're sweating, almost divorced by the time they get there.
00:29:24The reception, like I said, it's in her backyard.
00:29:26They put plywood on the grass, like, side by side to make a dance floor.
00:29:30We danced just to a radio station on a boom box.
00:29:35Just like 104.5.
00:29:36You would have to stop for weather and traffic updates.
00:29:42There was a punch bowl that was low to the ground, like on a low table.
00:29:46And so I was giving it to kids.
00:29:47I was trying to help out.
00:29:48And then someone was like, that's wine.
00:29:50And I gave it to so many kids.
00:29:55I don't know anything about wine, but I don't think they tell you to pour it into a bowl.
00:29:59Like, that's not, no one's ever like, let's get out of that box, get in a bowl.
00:30:04You know, let's let it breathe a little bit.
00:30:07I got a couple nine-year-olds pretty loose that night.
00:30:14The end of the night comes, everybody's drunk, children, adults, it's across the board.
00:30:22A fight breaks out.
00:30:23We hear some of y'all fight.
00:30:24And I mean, you're sitting there, you got a 50-50 shot.
00:30:27It's not your side of the family.
00:30:30We get over there.
00:30:31It's 100% our side.
00:30:34It's my dad's aunt and uncle, both rolling around on the ground.
00:30:39They're in their late 70s.
00:30:40He wanted to leave.
00:30:41She did not.
00:30:42So they thought, let's just handle it in front of everybody.
00:30:47She's on top of him.
00:30:48She punches him.
00:30:50He then punches her.
00:30:51And you're like, you can't do that, you know?
00:30:53So we got to get him apart.
00:30:55And he starts fighting us.
00:30:56And he's a pretty good fighter, all right?
00:30:58He's punching women in public.
00:31:00You don't think he's handled some dudes in his lifetime?
00:31:05That ends the night, you know?
00:31:07You can't be like, all right, guys, let's calm down.
00:31:08Let's cut the radio back on and find a good station.
00:31:14Tuesday is sadly divorced now.
00:31:17That did not work out.
00:31:19My dad's aunt and uncle, sadly, they're still, it did work out.
00:31:23They're still together.
00:31:23So that's our family, you know?
00:31:27We come, it's a pretty wild bunch.
00:31:32My dad is a magician.
00:31:34He's done that my entire life.
00:31:36He was a clown at the very beginning, just in case you're like, how do you get into something
00:31:40like that?
00:31:43It goes clowned in magic.
00:31:45There's two steps.
00:31:46You can take them in either order.
00:31:53I was born, he was a clown.
00:31:55It was never weird to me.
00:31:56I thought everybody's dad was a clown.
00:32:01My first memory of my life is I was five years old, and I remember my mom walked me out
00:32:07to the front yard, and my dad pulled up with this old red Mazda.
00:32:12He's dressed as a clown.
00:32:13That doesn't even faze me.
00:32:14That's just how he left.
00:32:16How else would he come home?
00:32:18And the Easter Bunny was in the passenger seat.
00:32:21That's the first thing that I remember to my life.
00:32:24If you wanted to know how you get into comedy, that's a pretty good nudge.
00:32:31And I remember it didn't fit.
00:32:33The Easter Bunny head didn't fit in the car.
00:32:35Like, he couldn't sit normal.
00:32:36So yet his head was bent to the side.
00:32:39And I remember he had his seatbelt on, and he's just like, and I was like.
00:32:45I like to think about all the other people that saw that, just in the car next to him,
00:32:50just at a red light.
00:32:51You're like, I didn't even know they hung out like that.
00:32:57So me and my dad, we do, he just does magic now.
00:32:59And he's very good at what he does.
00:33:00He's very funny.
00:33:01And we do shows together.
00:33:04So one time we did this.
00:33:05So magicians have conventions where they get together, and they're buying and sell tricks,
00:33:10and they give a lecture, and they do this big show.
00:33:12So this guy was putting one together in Des Moines, Iowa, which is the birthplace of magic,
00:33:17something a lot of people don't know.
00:33:20And it's not.
00:33:21But it does sound like it could be.
00:33:23I don't know why.
00:33:24I said that in Des Moines, and people are like, I think I already knew that.
00:33:28They're like, no, he's right.
00:33:32So this guy calls me.
00:33:34He's like, your dad's performing this year, so we want you to come down,
00:33:36and we're going to make you appear out of a magic trick.
00:33:39I want to come out, and I'm going to surprise my dad, surprise the audience.
00:33:43Everybody will go crazy.
00:33:44And then I'll do five minutes of stand-up, and that will end the show.
00:33:48He's like, it's going to be like a big deal.
00:33:49And I was like, all right.
00:33:50I agreed to it.
00:33:51I fly to Des Moines.
00:33:53I'm hiding.
00:33:54I'm in my room.
00:33:55No one knows I'm there.
00:33:56The show starts.
00:33:57My dad's outperforming.
00:33:58I climb in a box backstage.
00:34:00When my dad gets done performing, they ask him to stay and help.
00:34:03They push the box out.
00:34:05The trick is, the guy's a very pretty lady assistant.
00:34:08She walks around, shows the box is empty, and then she climbs in.
00:34:11Normally, it just falls apart, and then she disappears.
00:34:13But now it falls apart, and it's me, and I pop out.
00:34:16And you have to come out big.
00:34:17I don't know if you've ever appeared to have a magic trick, but if you do, you can't just
00:34:23be like, how you doing?
00:34:24You know, like, it's got to be a big grand, like, can you believe it?
00:34:29And I look at my dad.
00:34:30His face is so surprised.
00:34:32He had no idea.
00:34:32But his eyes are just like, why would you ever do this?
00:34:36And I was like, is this not a good time to visit you?
00:34:42The audience is clapping, but they're not going that great.
00:34:46Like, they start, the clapping starts dying down.
00:34:48And as I'm standing there, it's like hitting me that I was like, I don't think they know
00:34:51who we are.
00:34:52That guy told me they did, and they don't.
00:34:55They don't know that's my dad.
00:34:56They don't know I'm a comedian.
00:34:57This looks like the stupidest trick they've ever seen.
00:35:01It doesn't make sense.
00:35:03Like, they're like, a pretty girl goes in, there's just a whatever dude pops out.
00:35:06That's your trick?
00:35:07Your trick is backwards, sir.
00:35:09It's backwards.
00:35:13And now I got to do comedy.
00:35:15But they don't know I'm a comedian, so I get a microphone.
00:35:17They're like, he's going to talk to us now?
00:35:19How long is this trick?
00:35:24And when you do comedy in front of people not expecting comedy, it does not come off
00:35:28as comedy.
00:35:30It sounds like a mean speech.
00:35:32They were just like, get back in the box.
00:35:34Where's the girl?
00:35:35Is she fine?
00:35:36Can we hear from her?
00:35:43I don't think things through.
00:35:44That's the message tonight, guys.
00:35:47There's no message.
00:35:50But if there was, I don't think things through.
00:35:54No.
00:35:55I'm a huge Vanderbilt fan.
00:35:58And I think a couple of us, you know, it's a storm is coming together.
00:36:06I did not go to Vanderbilt, too.
00:36:08Vanderbilt asked me to say that.
00:36:12And I was like, I think people know.
00:36:14And they go, we do, too.
00:36:15But just say it, awesome.
00:36:20Vanderbilt went to their first bowl game in football in, like, 20 years, in 2008.
00:36:27And so we all go to it.
00:36:28We're very excited.
00:36:29It's at Tennessee Titans Stadium.
00:36:30So me and a bunch of buddies get together.
00:36:32We go tailgate.
00:36:33We get cornhole, a grill.
00:36:36Like, we're going all out.
00:36:38And my ticket was at Will Call.
00:36:40So I went.
00:36:40I was like, look, I got to get my ticket.
00:36:41I'll be right back.
00:36:42So I go get my ticket.
00:36:44And before the lady gives it to me, she ripped it, which means you have to go in.
00:36:47And it was, I mean, a full three hours before the game starts.
00:36:52I was like, I don't want to go in yet, you know.
00:36:54And she's like, you have to go.
00:36:57And I just walked in to just an empty stadium, 60,000 empty seats.
00:37:03I'm just, I go to my seat.
00:37:04I don't even just go to a different.
00:37:05I went to, like, the one I'm supposed to go to, like a loser.
00:37:10The players are, like, in jeans.
00:37:11They're not even dressed yet.
00:37:14I was like, I'm real excited for the game.
00:37:16I, like, startled them.
00:37:17They're like, oh, I didn't even know anybody was in here.
00:37:20Did you go to Vandy?
00:37:21I was like, you would think with how early I'm here.
00:37:23But I also think if I went to Vandy, I wouldn't be in the situation that I'm in.
00:37:30And I walked to the top of the stadium and just watched my friend's tailgate.
00:37:33I just sat up at the very top.
00:37:35And I was like, I'm already in, guys.
00:37:37Yeah, I decided to save our numbered seats.
00:37:41Nothing was open.
00:37:42I stood in front of a concession stand, like I was waiting for an iPhone to come out.
00:37:47Just that gate was down.
00:37:49I'm just, like, already trying to figure out what I'm going to eat.
00:37:52And they came and opened it.
00:37:54And one side got stuck, and I helped them.
00:37:56I go, I'll get that.
00:37:56I helped them open it.
00:37:58They're like, oh, do you work here?
00:37:59I was like, I've been here a little bit longer than you have.
00:38:01So.
00:38:08I'm not smart.
00:38:11At all.
00:38:12I'm pretty.
00:38:14I'm smart enough to, like, answer my six-year-old's questions.
00:38:17She's like, why is the sun hot?
00:38:18Like, is it on fire?
00:38:19That's a stupid question.
00:38:23And I tell her that, all right?
00:38:25Because I know that she'll be smarter than me next year.
00:38:27And then just for the rest of her life.
00:38:29So I am really sticking it to her while I can.
00:38:35I know nothing about, like, adult stuff that you're supposed to know about.
00:38:40Global warming.
00:38:41That's one that everybody yells at you about.
00:38:43And they're like, you better do something.
00:38:44I'm like, I'm so tired of it.
00:38:46Let's do it.
00:38:48I'm like, I barely made it out of high school.
00:38:50I don't really know how rain works.
00:38:52So why don't you let me figure that out?
00:38:55And then I'll do global warming, you know?
00:38:56But I've seen it rain without clouds.
00:38:58Where's that water coming from?
00:38:59So I'm pretty swamped with this rain stuff right now.
00:39:03But once I get to the bottom of that, I'm going to do global warming.
00:39:07And I've got some pretty good ideas.
00:39:08You know?
00:39:13We recycle, you know?
00:39:15And we recycle because of my wife.
00:39:17It's her.
00:39:17She gets all the credit for that.
00:39:19I would never recycle if I was by my...
00:39:21I don't do it if she's not looking at me.
00:39:24So I would never do it if I was alone.
00:39:29I looked up a list of, like, art.
00:39:32Like, what are you supposed to do for global warming as an individual?
00:39:35And it was a big, long list.
00:39:37But the first thing on the list was my favorite.
00:39:39It just said, just talk to your friends and family about it.
00:39:44Think about your friends and family.
00:39:45Like, not the ones that are the good ones, close.
00:39:48Think about how far out it goes.
00:39:52Just when you guys get together, like, do you mind if we talk about global warming?
00:39:54I just thought this would be a good time to get into it.
00:39:59I had a great aunt and uncle fist fight each other at a wedding.
00:40:03Let me get in the middle of that fight.
00:40:04Any chance this fight was about global warming?
00:40:06Because I just would love to get that conversation rolling, you know?
00:40:13I get it.
00:40:14We're supposed to...
00:40:15It's for our kids, kids, and their kids.
00:40:17And we want to make sure they have a good earth and their environment and stuff.
00:40:22We don't want them to have a bad earth.
00:40:23And we don't want them to be mad at us and yell at us.
00:40:26But I don't think they will.
00:40:27Because I don't think we get mad.
00:40:29I don't ever see litter on the ground and call my grandmother and be like,
00:40:32where do you get off, you know?
00:40:35I don't know how you show your face anymore, all right?
00:40:38It's cloudy today.
00:40:39Is that because you smoked on planes?
00:40:40Probably.
00:40:41Why'd you have to smoke that high?
00:40:43Where do you think that smoke was going?
00:40:50We did stuff as a kid.
00:40:52I did Earth Day as a kid.
00:40:53I think they still do Earth Day.
00:40:55And we did it.
00:40:57I'm from Old Hickory.
00:40:59And we were a plant.
00:40:59Like, DuPont Plant is the...
00:41:02We were a plant town.
00:41:03So they had a plant.
00:41:05And we went and planted trees in front of the DuPont Plant.
00:41:09And there was just black smoke coming out of this.
00:41:12And we're just in front of it like, this is for Earth.
00:41:15And if you can't even see us, it's so dark.
00:41:18And we're just like, this is for the Earth of stuff.
00:41:21And we're going to breathe better.
00:41:22And you're like, I don't know if that's the problem.
00:41:32Here's what I'm doing for, you know, my daughter's future environment.
00:41:37Is what I decided to do, they say we won't have water.
00:41:41So I put a bunch of buckets outside to collect water.
00:41:45And when she turns 18, and she's like, do I get money?
00:41:48I'm like, something a little better than money.
00:41:52Bet you've always wondered what those buckets we're doing outside.
00:41:54Well, they're all yours.
00:41:56And that's for your kids and their kids.
00:41:58Everybody gets a bucket of water.
00:42:07No, look, guys.
00:42:08All seriousness, though, global warming, we've got to, you know, we've got to stop it.
00:42:15Or more of it.
00:42:16I don't really know which way we want to go.
00:42:17But I don't, it can't stay warmer.
00:42:20I know that.
00:42:21It's got to be one or, you know, something's got to happen.
00:42:24Something can't stay where we're at.
00:42:26All right, so go, I don't know what direction you want me to, just go.
00:42:34Look, in all, guys, all seriousness, as, to use this as a platform for global warming,
00:42:42guys, I felt like, you know, as a spokesperson for all of Earth, all right, I think I'll give
00:42:51you a message that I don't think no one will give you, and I'm here to say that we're doing
00:42:55fine.
00:42:56So, just relax.
00:42:59You know, we're in a time where everybody yells at you and everybody's bad.
00:43:02We're doing great, all right?
00:43:04I did some, I looked up, I did some research, and I was like, let me look at the other
00:43:09planets.
00:43:09Let's see how good they're doing.
00:43:12And I don't want to, I mean, it's unbelievable.
00:43:15They're nowhere right now.
00:43:17Some of them have too many moons, that's how stupid they are.
00:43:20And so let's calm down, all right?
00:43:23We're doing so, we're so much farther ahead.
00:43:25I mean, they haven't started, and we're almost done.
00:43:28So let's celebrate being first.
00:43:32Don't be sore winners.
00:43:42Look, guys, in all seriousness, no, look, the world, it's getting very advanced, all right?
00:43:54I have, I've been to a dog bakery.
00:43:56I've been to a dog bakery in my life.
00:44:01And this wasn't in, you know, Beverly Hills or like Miami or something.
00:44:05You feel like they would have something like that.
00:44:06And this was in Mount Juliet, Tennessee.
00:44:10And if you don't know where Mount Juliet is, it's fine.
00:44:13But I bet you can tell that doesn't sound like a town you would drive through going,
00:44:17I bet they have a pretty good dog bakery here.
00:44:22I went in there, and no one was in there.
00:44:24The lady was looking at me like, are you here to buy this store for me?
00:44:27That was her only hope.
00:44:35I talked to her.
00:44:36She had some time on her hand, excited to talk.
00:44:40And she said her and her husband bought the store for their 27-year-old daughter
00:44:44who graduated from college with a degree and came out of college and said,
00:44:49I want to own a dog bakery.
00:44:51I want to make cakes for dogs.
00:44:53Which if I asked my six-year-old what she wants to do when she grows up,
00:44:58I think she'll tell me she wants to make cakes for dogs.
00:45:01And I'm going to tell her that she can do whatever she wants to do,
00:45:04hoping she doesn't turn 27 and go, let's talk about those cakes for those dogs.
00:45:15And maybe they're usually busy.
00:45:16Maybe I was in there on a slow dog birthday day.
00:45:19I don't know.
00:45:20All right?
00:45:21She told me everything was organic, and I was like, that's good.
00:45:24That's what I like to hear.
00:45:25All right?
00:45:26This is for that dog that's outside licking gum off the sidewalk right now.
00:45:29And if anybody deserves organic food in our house, it's not this little girl.
00:45:34I'm not going to waste it on her.
00:45:37It's for that dog that's wandered out on the highway because it doesn't know what cars are.
00:45:49But look, next time you guys go to Mount Juliet for vacation, let me tell you, look,
00:45:54do them a favor, go by there, all right?
00:45:58Swing through, you know, buy some dog cakes.
00:46:02And I'll be honest with you.
00:46:03I'll be up front with you guys.
00:46:05I bought a dog bakery.
00:46:06It's not going that good.
00:46:07All right?
00:46:07I just, all right, we're almost done, so don't worry about it.
00:46:16And I think you can tell.
00:46:18I always think people can, they're like, he's talking about dog bakeries.
00:46:20He's about out of stuff.
00:46:22Yeah.
00:46:23Where, where, where is this going?
00:46:28I, uh, I, uh, first, thank you.
00:46:31I can't thank you enough for coming out tonight.
00:46:33It means to the world.
00:46:35And, uh, I've been making, this is how I've been closing shows on the road,
00:46:38and I want to close, uh, my special with it.
00:46:40Uh, I'm assuming that people saw the Netflix, the stand-ups, the little half hour.
00:46:49Thank you for watching it.
00:46:51Thank you for coming out.
00:46:52Uh, so, some stuff's happened since that special, and I want to give you some updates to a couple stories
00:46:58I told on that special.
00:47:01And if you haven't seen it, I'll walk you through it.
00:47:04Don't, you know, think you're going to be lost.
00:47:06And I think you've seen what I've talked about.
00:47:08I bet you're like, I bet we'll catch up quick.
00:47:10So, just, so the first update is about the Cape Fear Serpentarium.
00:47:22And, if you, uh, if you haven't seen it, you could, you could pause it right now and go watch
00:47:27it.
00:47:27But you might be like, I can't handle really much more of you.
00:47:30But, if not, I'm going to walk you through it.
00:47:34Uh, or maybe just a reminder.
00:47:37But a very quick, unfunny version is I went to Wilmington, North Carolina to a guy's house.
00:47:43And he had a bunch of snakes, lizards, and a crocodile.
00:47:46And when I was there, a crocodile got out, and a lady wrote a TripAdvisor review about it.
00:47:50That's the very quick, unfunny version.
00:47:53If you haven't seen it, don't think that's all it takes to get a Netflix special.
00:47:56Uh, so the first thing is, uh, the lady that wrote the TripAdvisor review messaged me after the special came
00:48:04out.
00:48:05And, if you write a review on TripAdvisor, you can see how many people look at it.
00:48:09And it jumped 50,000 views the day the special came out.
00:48:13So, but she did not know this for a couple of days.
00:48:17So, I mean, she was like, I'm crushing it as a reviewer, all right?
00:48:20I swear.
00:48:22You better, I'll bring your place.
00:48:24You better treat me right, Applebee's.
00:48:25I'll bring this whole place down.
00:48:35The next update to it is the, uh, so that, so Cape Fear Serpentry has closed down.
00:48:42And, I know, you guys had a chance to go to it?
00:48:46Uh, it is closed.
00:48:48So, the guy that owned it, his name is Dean Ripa.
00:48:51Uh, I do not know this guy.
00:48:52He was there that day.
00:48:53Uh, I saw him that day.
00:48:55I don't know him.
00:48:56I mean, I, this place will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.
00:48:59And I was there for one day.
00:49:01But, so, he was a very original guy.
00:49:03He was his own guy.
00:49:04And, uh, he, there's, you can see there's great stuff on him.
00:49:08He's, there's another thing on Netflix called 72 Deadliest Animals.
00:49:11They interview him in that.
00:49:12There's also great YouTube clips where you, like, he would bring, like, venomous snakes
00:49:17to local Wilmington news channels.
00:49:18And, um, he would barely pay attention to these snakes.
00:49:21He would, like, have it, like, on the table.
00:49:24And he's, like, not even looking.
00:49:25They're, like, could you grab it maybe more?
00:49:26And he's, like, what's that?
00:49:28Like, we didn't even ask you to bring that in, by the way.
00:49:30Do you want me to leave it in the car?
00:49:32What'd you want me to?
00:49:35I remember when I was there that day, there's, like, cages empty.
00:49:38And you're, like, is that supposed to be empty?
00:49:39He's, like, we're cleaning that.
00:49:40But if you see something, tell us.
00:49:41But I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure we're cleaning that one.
00:49:47So, the main reason it closed is, uh, sadly, to announce, that guy, he has, uh, died.
00:49:53Uh, he passed away.
00:49:55And it's pretty, pretty wild stuff.
00:49:59Uh, so, how he died, a little different than most.
00:50:03And I'm gonna just tell you, uh, you know, and I already know what you're thinking in your head.
00:50:08And his wife shot him.
00:50:10So, yeah.
00:50:12You weren't thinking that.
00:50:13I can tell you that.
00:50:15It's unbelievable.
00:50:16I mean, the odds of this are, they're definitely higher than if you don't own a snake museum.
00:50:21But there's still...
00:50:26It's insane.
00:50:27So, this all happened after we taped that last, the stand-ups.
00:50:31And so, uh, I would let, I was telling an audience who would guess, like, how he died.
00:50:36And so, I'm gonna just tell you the guesses.
00:50:38Where people, you know, a steak got him, good guess.
00:50:41Crocodile ate him, solid guess.
00:50:43Someone yelled, cancer, once.
00:50:45And I was like, what?
00:50:46Like, I don't, I don't know if I'd present it like this if I knew the answer was cancer.
00:50:51Let's go around the room, everybody.
00:50:53Guess how he died.
00:50:54Cancer?
00:50:55That guy got it.
00:50:55That was a good guess.
00:50:56You know?
00:51:01One guy guessed it once in Huntsville, Alabama.
00:51:05And it was an older gentleman.
00:51:07He was sitting up front.
00:51:08And, uh, he just goes, did his wife shoot him?
00:51:11And you know when someone guesses your guess?
00:51:12And you're like, you're the worst, man.
00:51:17And I was like, did you look it up?
00:51:18And he had a flip phone on his table.
00:51:21He wasn't looking stuff up.
00:51:25And I was like, why would you ever guess that?
00:51:27And he was like, because my wife shot me.
00:51:29And I was like, well, that's fair.
00:51:33I bet he guesses that with every death he hears.
00:51:36Like, I mean, just, Frank died.
00:51:37Did his wife shoot him?
00:51:38No.
00:51:38And I'm not gonna tell you anymore if you keep guessing that.
00:51:41All right?
00:51:42That's the last one.
00:51:51The final update.
00:51:53That's what this next.
00:51:54The special after this is gonna be just more,
00:51:56uh, just all updates.
00:51:58And it'll be something that you don't even know.
00:52:00You're like, remember when my car didn't start?
00:52:01You're like, I don't, who is this update for?
00:52:04Uh, there's, I like to, uh, I like to drink iced coffee with milk.
00:52:14And, thank you.
00:52:16Uh, I told a story.
00:52:18I went into a Starbucks inside of Target.
00:52:21I ordered, uh, iced coffee with milk.
00:52:23And the guy gave me milk with ice in it.
00:52:26I did not want milk with ice.
00:52:28I wanted iced coffee with milk.
00:52:30And he heard milk with ice.
00:52:33I have learned that a lot of people do drink milk with ice.
00:52:37People send me pictures all the time.
00:52:40Of adults just drinking milk with ice.
00:52:43And they stay in the Starbucks.
00:52:44They don't even, like, run to their car like,
00:52:46this is so embarrassing.
00:52:47You gotta stop.
00:52:48Like, they do it openly.
00:52:53My wife puts, uh, ice in our daughter's milk.
00:52:57And I was like, oh, you do that because of my joke.
00:52:59And she's, she's not a big fan of my comedy.
00:53:01So, she was like, I haven't seen it.
00:53:04I was like, we have Netflix, you know.
00:53:06And she's like, I don't think we do.
00:53:07I was like, I, I know we do.
00:53:09And she was like, I'm just so busy right now.
00:53:11Uh, so, all of it's true.
00:53:19Except my wife.
00:53:19Like, my wife does like my comedy.
00:53:21She's very nice to me.
00:53:22But, uh, all, all the rest is true.
00:53:25And the truth of it, too, is it's happened to me two times.
00:53:29Twice.
00:53:30And let me tell you, one time is a lot of times.
00:53:35The second time, you start looking at yourself.
00:53:38You start thinking, you're like, what am I doing?
00:53:39I don't know if I know how to order.
00:53:43I would say, I looked, I would order it in a mirror just to see what it looked.
00:53:46I was like, iced coffee with milk.
00:53:47I was just trying to see what they would see.
00:53:53I thought it was happening.
00:53:55There was a third time I thought it was happening.
00:53:57I was at a Starbucks at an airport.
00:54:00And she put the drink down.
00:54:02And I was like, they're doing this on purpose.
00:54:03I was convinced that they're just calling each other.
00:54:06Like, let's drive this guy crazy.
00:54:09But she just put too much milk into it.
00:54:12It was an honest mistake.
00:54:13And she told me.
00:54:15Because she set the drink down.
00:54:17And we're both just staring at it.
00:54:22And she just goes,
00:54:24That feels like a lot of milk, doesn't it?
00:54:33I was like, not as much as usual.
00:54:35But it does feel.
00:54:43So I have, I've changed my drink up since then.
00:54:48And I honestly did it.
00:54:49Because I don't think I say milk good.
00:54:51I was having this one problem.
00:54:53And I was like, I'm just not going to say milk.
00:54:55So now I drink iced coffee with cream.
00:54:57That's all I change it to.
00:54:58I'm tired of saying milk.
00:54:59That's all.
00:55:00They kept giving me milk with ice.
00:55:01So I was like, I'm going to say cream.
00:55:02You know?
00:55:02They can't do cream with ice.
00:55:03That's against the law.
00:55:06So I'll get rid of the one problem that I had.
00:55:09And I've only been drinking coffee for maybe four years.
00:55:13Not very long.
00:55:13I only order this one little drink.
00:55:15I get very nervous when I order coffee.
00:55:16Because it's a whole world.
00:55:17And I don't know the world.
00:55:19You know?
00:55:19They always ask you a bunch of stuff.
00:55:21Like, they're like, what kind of cream?
00:55:22I'm like, just please do it.
00:55:24Just do it.
00:55:25You know?
00:55:26Sometimes they're like, do you want heavy cream or half and half?
00:55:28And I'll go, I'm sorry, I'm not taking questions right now.
00:55:30So if you could just do whatever you think it is, and if it's wrong, I won't even tell you.
00:55:38How about that?
00:55:38I will walk out of here as if that's exactly what I ordered.
00:55:42I will go outside.
00:55:43I will throw it away and go try again at a different Starbucks.
00:55:47That's how I'll handle the entire...
00:55:48That's why I think they have so many Starbucks, so you can just keep going.
00:55:52Someone's got to get it.
00:55:56If I have to get my wife's coffee, she has to text me what she wants.
00:55:59Because I don't know how to pronounce, like, most of the words there.
00:56:02So I just show them the phone.
00:56:03I go, she wants this.
00:56:05And they're like, does she want it in Sweden?
00:56:07I'm like, guess we have to call her now, don't we?
00:56:10And I make them talk to her.
00:56:12I go, talk to a stranger's wife.
00:56:13Say what you said to me.
00:56:18Have you ever been to a Starbucks, like, inside?
00:56:20Like, if you go inside, and there's, like, a big long line,
00:56:22and you'll be waiting, and they try to take your order
00:56:24before you're even to the front?
00:56:26Like, you'll be in the back.
00:56:27They're like, what do you want?
00:56:28You're like, I would like to wait till I get right in front of you.
00:56:32Yeah.
00:56:32You know, did you see how everybody looked at me when you said that?
00:56:34I didn't care for that.
00:56:37So, how about we do it like a regular normal business, you know?
00:56:40And you let me do it right in front of you.
00:56:43Starbucks is, like, waving cars down on the street.
00:56:46Just been like, we're just trying to get your order started
00:56:48in case you ever come here one day.
00:56:56So, I was in San Francisco,
00:56:59and I bet there's a bunch of fun coffee places,
00:57:02and I live in my dumb world that just,
00:57:04I just want this one little drink.
00:57:07So, I go in to a Starbucks,
00:57:10and I get to the front, and I was like,
00:57:11I'll take an iced coffee with cream.
00:57:13She goes, with cream?
00:57:14I go with cream.
00:57:15And then she goes, iced coffee with cream?
00:57:16I go, iced coffee with cream.
00:57:17She goes, with cream?
00:57:18I go with cream.
00:57:19And she said it one more time.
00:57:20She said, so iced coffee with cream?
00:57:22And at that point, I should have said,
00:57:23what's going on right now?
00:57:30Where are you at in your head?
00:57:31Because I feel like we're in two different places.
00:57:36But I was nervous, and there was people behind me,
00:57:39and I was like, cream or no cream?
00:57:40Honestly, I'll give you $20 if you let me leave right now.
00:57:43I cannot.
00:57:44This is the most I can talk about this.
00:57:45I don't even know what's happening anymore.
00:57:51So I paid.
00:57:52I go stand in line, you know,
00:57:54where you've got to wait for your drink.
00:57:55There's like five of us waiting for our drinks.
00:57:57So she puts the iced coffee up there first,
00:58:00no cream, and I was like, whatever.
00:58:02I'll just do it myself, you know?
00:58:04Like, I don't like doing it myself,
00:58:06but I was like, all right, I'll just do it.
00:58:07So before I could get it,
00:58:09she's walked back with a can of whipped cream,
00:58:11and she's shaking it.
00:58:13And I'm just looking at it,
00:58:15like, thinking that's someone else's.
00:58:16I'm like, someone's getting whipped cream.
00:58:17That's fun.
00:58:19One of you guys are getting whipped cream?
00:58:21And I look down,
00:58:23and she starts spraying the whipped cream
00:58:24on top of my iced coffee.
00:58:26She just yells out,
00:58:28iced coffee, whipped cream?
00:58:29Yells it out.
00:58:31The other four people, they turn their back.
00:58:33Like, they don't want you to accidentally think
00:58:35that's what they ordered.
00:58:37And I'm just left alone, like,
00:58:39that's what you thought I said over there?
00:58:41You don't think I would have said
00:58:42iced coffee with whipped cream?
00:58:44You think I'm just some nut job?
00:58:46It's like, I've had too many problems
00:58:47in this Starbucks,
00:58:48so I'm only going to use the words
00:58:50that I want and no other words.
00:58:52Iced coffee, whipped cream, cup.
00:58:55And they didn't have a top for it,
00:58:57so whipped cream,
00:58:58it doesn't sink and become less embarrassing.
00:59:00It moves.
00:59:01It's like a buoy in an ocean
00:59:02that everybody sees.
00:59:04And I'm just walking through the crowd,
00:59:05like, this is my favorite drink.
00:59:06I don't know if you guys drink this at all.
00:59:08Is anybody?
00:59:09Nobody does this.
00:59:10I'm surprised.
00:59:11And I walked outside and threw it away
00:59:12and tried again at a different Starbucks.
00:59:15All right.
00:59:16Thank you, guys.
00:59:16I can't thank you enough.
00:59:18You are unbelievable.
00:59:21Thank you so much for coming out.
00:59:25You were, uh, really, you're awesome.
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