Amy Schumer's live stand-up set performed in Chicago where she jokes about marriage, pregnancy and personal growth.
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FunTranscript
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00:00:49I used to do something a lot of comics do, I would blame my disgusting behavior on the city I
00:00:55was in.
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00:00:57would be like, Chicago, you got me so fucked up last night!
00:01:01You know, and the crowd is like, okay,
00:01:04we were not here last night.
00:01:08Denver, you made me fuck that stranger, no condom.
00:01:10You're crazy, Denver.
00:01:15Armed robbery?
00:01:16Philly, you silly.
00:01:22No, ma'am, we are concerned for you.
00:01:26That's all over now.
00:01:28Because I'm fucking pregnant!
00:01:31Ooh, ooh.
00:01:35Yeah, I did it.
00:01:38I'm amazing.
00:01:42I laid there, and that's it.
00:01:51Usually when someone in the public eye gets pregnant,
00:01:54there's, like, a couple months
00:01:55where there's some rumors about them, you know?
00:01:58There's some, like, oop, bump alert, right?
00:02:02Uh-oh.
00:02:03Uh...
00:02:05I was well into my second trimester.
00:02:12Not one fucking rumor about me.
00:02:15Nothing.
00:02:18I was photographed.
00:02:22Belly out.
00:02:23They're like, there's Amy!
00:02:28Looking happy!
00:02:29I don't know.
00:02:31Doing her.
00:02:31And then, so once people knew,
00:02:33they were like, well, is she showing?
00:02:35And they were like, no more than normal.
00:02:37Kind of...
00:02:39It just kind of looks like she took her Spanx off.
00:02:47There are all these rules about pregnancy
00:02:49that are unsaid.
00:02:51Where is it written that when you're pregnant,
00:02:53you have to cup your little bump?
00:02:55In every picture?
00:02:57It's so obnoxious, guys.
00:02:59Every picture.
00:03:00Here.
00:03:02It's right.
00:03:03Some people do the two-hand.
00:03:09I was like, okay, fuck it, I'll do it,
00:03:10but I'm gonna do it for the rest of my life.
00:03:15I'm gonna be 90 years old, like this,
00:03:16with a cigarette in my mouth, like...
00:03:24I do it.
00:03:25I cup the bump in pictures,
00:03:27but I just do it a little bit lower.
00:03:29I just go right here.
00:03:34Cause this is the area that got me in trouble
00:03:36in the first place.
00:03:41All the questions everyone asks.
00:03:43What are you having?
00:03:44Do you know what you're having?
00:03:46Hemorrhoids.
00:03:50Any other questions?
00:03:54What do they ask?
00:03:55What are you craving?
00:03:56What are you craving?
00:03:57Are you craving anything?
00:03:59COCK!
00:04:11Just me and my angel.
00:04:17People always want to see the bump.
00:04:19That's like the thing.
00:04:20Just show me that fucking bump, bitch!
00:04:24And, um, my belly button is getting so misshapen
00:04:28with this baby inside
00:04:29that I had to put two band-aids
00:04:31over my belly button tonight.
00:04:41That's more than you bargained for, right?
00:04:48Somebody's neglecting their bikini area.
00:04:55I, uh, I'll tell you who it's not fun to be pregnant
00:05:00at the exact same time as.
00:05:03Meghan Markle.
00:05:07I think we're, like, to the day, the same amount pregnant.
00:05:12And she's out there in, like, six-inch heels,
00:05:16adorable outfits, and she has, like, there's been no bumps.
00:05:19Like, there's been...
00:05:20She, like, cups where the bump will be, you know?
00:05:23She's like,
00:05:25here, here's where the baby will be.
00:05:33People see me, they're like,
00:05:35oh, the last couple weeks are the hardest, right?
00:05:40Are you crowning?
00:05:42I think I can see an ear.
00:05:43Is that an ear?
00:05:49If I were Meghan Markle, and I am, uh...
00:05:56Because, like, she hangs out with the Queen now.
00:05:58Like, they hang out and have conversations.
00:06:00If I were Meghan, no matter what the Queen asked me,
00:06:03and I can't do, like, a great British accent,
00:06:05but, you know, if she said something like,
00:06:07oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:06:11Oh, peep-peep!
00:06:13Would you like a spot of lemon?
00:06:15Like, probably exactly that.
00:06:16She probably says...
00:06:20No matter what,
00:06:22if I were Meghan, I would answer everything she asked with...
00:06:24YES, QUEEN!
00:06:28YES!
00:06:31I just came so close to shitting myself you guys don't
00:06:39This this special almost became a real special that would have
00:06:44What would I have done kind of just kicked it and
00:06:49Trusted that you guys would be cool. Is that what I would have done I
00:06:55I
00:06:55Have not had an easy pregnancy. I have hyperemesis, which I'd never even heard of
00:07:00It's extreme nausea and vomiting if you've ever had food poisoning
00:07:05It's that I've had that every day for five months
00:07:09I know and people are like you're so strong. Look at you out there. You're on the road. I'm
00:07:15contractually obligated to be out here guys
00:07:20I'm not like I don't care the show must go on. I'm like I will be sued by live nation
00:07:30That's why I'm here
00:07:37But I feel pretty good tonight to be honest with you so
00:07:42I didn't throw up today
00:07:47Uh
00:07:47Yeah, but I didn't know that being pregnant could be really hard like I didn't know that because you bitches
00:07:54all lie about it
00:07:58Women don't tell you how hard it is. I should have googled it. I should have googled being pregnant
00:08:06Cuz it's been really awful cuz in movies they don't show you there's just a montage where the girls in
00:08:11her office and she's typing and then she's like
00:08:14She runs to the bathroom. She throws up once
00:08:19And then in the next scene she's like in overalls like painting a bar like yay
00:08:26I can't wait to meet you, you know I
00:08:32Throw up an exorcist amount every day
00:08:38And I feel like you know if you had a good pregnancy like if you're someone who enjoyed being pregnant.
00:08:43I just hope your car flips over that's
00:08:48That's what I wish for you
00:08:52You just let your car kind of chappaquiddix into a lake and you just kind of
00:08:58Slowly
00:09:00Drown
00:09:02Is that fair to say because here's the thing you're pregnant, but like you don't change who you are I
00:09:06hate
00:09:07Women who start to act like really just like precious and like yes, like we're now. I'm I'm a saint
00:09:13and I never I
00:09:14I never had sex in a bathroom on a train, you know
00:09:20We've all had sex in the bathroom on a train
00:09:24You don't stop being you you know you don't stop working or drinking like you
00:09:33You know
00:09:36I've gotten in a habit of asking
00:09:38uh friends recommendations and advice about about pregnancy until I get the answer I want
00:09:45You know what I mean like I asked my my most responsible friend. She's a nurse. I was like so
00:09:51wine
00:09:52What do you think should I just
00:09:54Have some or what do you think while I'm pregnant wine definitely have some or what do you think and
00:10:01and
00:10:02She was like you know what just skip it
00:10:05Right like just be safe, you know, and I was like yes. Oh, yes, that's what I thought
00:10:11But I wanted to hear you say it so now I'll tell other people
00:10:15Not to drink ever while they're pregnant. Thank you
00:10:21Good that's done with and then
00:10:25You know and then I asked like a little more lenient of a friend I'm like
00:10:30Hey, what are your thoughts on drinking wine while you're pregnant like
00:10:35She's like a glass a week is fine. Like that's probably fine. I'm like that's better. That's that makes sense.
00:10:41That's good
00:10:45You're smart and then
00:10:47Then you ask like your kind of biggest dirtbag deadbeat friend, you know
00:10:53She's like oh just once you start getting like fucked up stop drinking. I'm like
00:10:57Nang nang nang nang nang nang nang nang nang nang
00:11:02No, I haven't even wanted
00:11:09Wine
00:11:11That's how I know this baby is not mine
00:11:17This baby is a lie
00:11:20No, it's mine and I'm pretty sure the guy who got me pregnant is my husband because they got married
00:11:29yay
00:11:31To the luckiest boy in the world
00:11:36I married a chef because I'm a fucking genius
00:11:47Right do you guys like food that's what he makes that's what he makes
00:11:54Yeah, I love it
00:11:56Marrying a chef. It's like a little on the nose for me. It's kind of like snoop marrying weed
00:12:01Uh
00:12:08I love him. It's real. Um
00:12:11The proposal was whack
00:12:13uh
00:12:15He proposed to me in the morning
00:12:19That's like when people in a nursing home get engaged like
00:12:25Not like it's sunrise like I was still asleep like I was sleeping
00:12:29And I sleep like I'm still in the womb like earplugs
00:12:33I'm asked
00:12:34My mom's legs are on my shoulders like
00:12:38You know recreate and every morning I'm born and
00:12:45So I'm in the womb and he comes in
00:12:50And I just like took one earplug out I was like
00:12:54And he kind of threw the ring box at me and he goes I got you this
00:13:00And I open it and
00:13:01And he goes do you want me to get down on one knee and I was like I guess not
00:13:09And then I went back to sleep
00:13:14That's the truth that's a real ass proposal though that's like a real
00:13:18You know
00:13:20Because like in movies and tv shows the guy always gets down on one knee right and the girl's always
00:13:25shocked
00:13:29I didn't even know you liked me like I'm still on bumble like this is
00:13:41Like you didn't talk about that's a very big decision
00:13:45To not talk about like I don't know any girl who got engaged that way
00:13:49I'm from new york like all my girlfriends are from new york we get married late there
00:13:52When you get engaged at like 40 it's like whoa teen bride like slow
00:14:02Slow it down get to know him
00:14:08I think there are only two reasons you should get down on one knee if you're a guy
00:14:13If you're a player in the nfl
00:14:21And to eat my pussy those are the two
00:14:27Two reasons
00:14:30I mean if the guy you're with gets like synchronized swans to like dance to bruno mars you know
00:14:38He's gay
00:14:43That's a gay guy
00:14:47And look we all have a friend married to a gay guy we do
00:14:53We do you're probably here with a couple right now
00:14:58And they're like huh talk about megan marklemore
00:15:09We've all had that experience right when you meet you meet the couple for the first time and
00:15:14And then they leave and then you're a couple of your friends. You're just you're taking each other's temperature. You're
00:15:19like
00:15:20Jeff was nice right
00:15:23Yeah
00:15:25Yeah, jeff was cool. Yeah
00:15:29You said he's a costume designer that's what he's uh yeah
00:15:36Then finally someone's like is jeff gay you're like jeff is gay yes
00:15:45And we all laugh at our friend he he she's married to a gay guy but you know what
00:15:50Someone with hyperemesis who's five months pregnant you know who it sounds like it would be fun to be married
00:15:56to right now
00:15:59Fucking jeff
00:16:02Get on one knee for jeff
00:16:06I think i don't want to jinx it. I think i don't have to be a bridesmaid anymore
00:16:11Yeah, I think i'm done all my i'm not making no new friends
00:16:16Everybody got married. I was the last one because when you get in your late 30s there's just no dignity
00:16:21to it, you know
00:16:23It's like me and like a grecian gown with my aging cleavage and like a coachella flower halo i'm just
00:16:32like
00:16:39Just hoping i'm not the bridesmaid with the biggest arm you know i'm like
00:16:46Trying to hold my arm out
00:16:51Because when people used to get married they were in their early 20s you a little 20 year old bridesmaid
00:16:55arm
00:16:55You're holding your champagne like it's heavy
00:17:04Now you it's just a sea of turkey legs just
00:17:12Looks like the defensive line for the bears are in the wedding
00:17:25I really respect you guys for coming out because if you follow me on instagram you're probably like is this
00:17:30bitch in the hospital
00:17:32Is she gonna be there?
00:17:38Yeah
00:17:39I made it i uh i've been hospitalized a couple times
00:17:43since i've been pregnant with hyperemesis and um
00:17:46The very first time was about a month ago and uh
00:17:51i was throwing up for about five hours
00:17:53when i
00:17:55was taken to the hospital
00:17:57the doctor came in and he explained to me and my sister and my husband who were all in the
00:18:01room he said um
00:18:03you're gonna have to be here for at least five hours getting liquids
00:18:06and without skipping a beat my husband said to my sister
00:18:10okay cool because i saw a place where you can paint pottery nearby
00:18:17you guys are like is he gay um
00:18:23so my sister didn't even like they didn't even like check in with me if it was cool
00:18:27that they left me like as soon as he said pottery like they just left
00:18:33and i was like i'll be here
00:18:38and uh about an hour and a half later my sister rushed back in the room and she said okay
00:18:43listen
00:18:44be nice to him about what he painted
00:18:49i'm like okay she's like i'm serious he worked really hard on it
00:19:00okay she goes and it's not very flattering i'm like what
00:19:07but my husband's brain is a little different
00:19:11because you go to these places you usually paint like a teddy bear or a jewelry box you know but
00:19:18my
00:19:19husband decided to to paint a plate which he would use as a canvas to paint me
00:19:32and i'm gonna show you the picture i think it's important for you guys to see the picture
00:19:39and i just i want to show you this and i want you to know
00:19:43that there were no qualifiers before he showed me this picture
00:19:47he was sure it was pretty good this is the picture that he painted
00:20:07i was in the hospital guys
00:20:12what is i wanted to go what's my chin on the my neck i look like trump like i look
00:20:26i couldn't say any of this to him okay get here get rid of it people are leaving this is
00:20:32upsetting
00:20:32this is an upsetting image i mean
00:20:40i had to comfort him
00:20:44my husband is a really great sport you know he really is i i keep messing with him like you
00:20:51know
00:20:51i've had a tough pregnancy so the other day i was like babe this is too kind of too hard
00:20:56for me
00:20:57i don't think i can do it he's like what do you mean i was like what do you think
00:21:07i mean i think i
00:21:09i need to get an abortion
00:21:14and this was his response he went really
00:21:22i was like no what
00:21:27i'm gonna announce it on instagram and then i'm gonna just be like actually forget it i don't like it
00:21:34i'm tired i don't like it
00:21:38thank god that was his response you know what if he'd been like cool i'll warm up the car
00:21:52i knew from the beginning that my husband's brain was a little different than mine
00:21:58um and about i have to start this over because i really want to get this right
00:22:05because i love him very much and uh my husband was diagnosed with what used to be called asperger's
00:22:14he has autism spectrum disorder he's on the spectrum and there were some signs early on like
00:22:23we went for a walk about a year ago and i fell and kind of nine out of ten people
00:22:29would go
00:22:31oh my god are you okay
00:22:36right maybe more like 10 out of 10 people
00:22:41oh my god are you okay but instead my husband went
00:22:51he kind of froze and became a lighthouse opening and closing his mouth just
00:23:00and i remember laying on the ground looking up at him and i wasn't mad i just thought huh
00:23:12a lot of huh moments you know
00:23:18and once he was diagnosed it dawned on me how funny it was because all of the characteristics
00:23:24that make it clear that he's on the spectrum are all of the reasons that i fell madly in love
00:23:29with him
00:23:37he says whatever is on his mind he keeps it so real you know he doesn't care about social norms
00:23:45or
00:23:46what you expect him to say or do like you know if i say to him like
00:23:51does this look like shit he'll go yeah you have a lot of other clothes why don't you wear those
00:24:06but he can also make me feel more beautiful than anyone ever has my whole life
00:24:17and he can't lie is that the dream man a guy who can't lie but that also means that he
00:24:28can't lie for me
00:24:31which is an essential part of any relationship
00:24:36like we're friends with this couple and they broke up
00:24:39and the guy started dating a new girl pretty soon after and we happened to be at the party where
00:24:44they got together so i didn't rush to tell the ex-girlfriend what happened
00:24:49so a couple months later we had dinner with her and she was like
00:24:52and you know at that party that's when they got together
00:24:56and i was like no
00:25:01it's not possible
00:25:04and chris goes no you remember
00:25:17no no i don't yeah remember because you said oh my god he's leaving with her
00:25:28thank you chris thank you
00:25:32i guess i forgot about that
00:25:39also one of the the signs of uh autism is you don't make sort of the uh appropriate facial
00:25:45expression for the occasion you're at so we're gonna go on a red carpet together for the first time
00:25:51and we were practicing his smiles you know and we didn't land on one that we were in love with
00:26:01so we were out of time so i said just this is what i do just think about something you
00:26:05love
00:26:06you know and he loves the ocean so so we went out there and it worked but it worked too
00:26:12well
00:26:14because in all the pictures i'm doing my like normal bullshit and he was just like
00:26:27i noticed i was like a pond just like you're glancing at a pond like pull it back
00:26:36it's exciting being pregnant it's not all bad
00:26:40the best part about it is not getting your period
00:26:46yeah that's the silver uterine lining if you want to look for one
00:26:52that's nice because you know what i realized right before i got pregnant i noticed
00:26:58how ashamed we've all been made to feel about getting our period
00:27:03our whole lives like we choose it you know like oh can't kick my bleeding habit you know
00:27:10i just want it i want to do it
00:27:16it's supposed to be you know a secret like the second you get it your mom goes you're a woman
00:27:20now
00:27:22and that's disgusting
00:27:26never let anyone know of your filthy secret
00:27:31and you're like okay i'm 12 i'm ready to handle this
00:27:37this is my rainbow bright lunch box rainbow bright stars are shining bright
00:27:46and it is that's the most embarrassing thing that could possibly happen to you as a kid is that
00:27:50someone knows you of your period or they see you of your period
00:27:53at that age for men the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections right
00:27:58but then they grow up and show them to everyone
00:28:07maybe that's what we should do
00:28:17call a co-worker into your office carl
00:28:25come in here close the door
00:28:52all this talk about dick pics how about a tamp pic
00:28:58you up
00:29:06if you're still in a position where you're getting dick pics ladies i have a suggestion for you
00:29:12when you get a dick pic send back a dick pic
00:29:29you go oh i'm sorry i thought we were exchanging our favorite dick pics
00:29:38dick for dick pic pic pic pic pic pic pic pic no
00:29:40but
00:29:47why are we made to feel so ashamed of our unnatural bodily function that ultimately brings life you know
00:29:55it's like if you forget a tampon you have to bum one from somebody what we all do is first
00:30:00you look
00:30:01around like you're gonna say something racist just kind of like and whatever race you thought
00:30:11i meant that's your problem and then you kind of lean in and then we don't even say the whole
00:30:18sentence
00:30:19we kind of go does anybody have a what is this what's the claw that's how disgusted we are with
00:30:31ourselves and i noticed myself do it i was in a gym locker room thank you and uh
00:30:45and there were a bunch of women in there and i didn't
00:30:50and this woman across the locker room with so much confidence was like oh yeah i do what size
00:31:00and like obviously i know there are different sizes of tampons but i've never been confronted
00:31:08with that question before you know
00:31:12like she's like yeah what's the circumference of your pussy hole
00:31:25grande or venti what are we plugging bitch
00:31:30i've got pilates what is it
00:31:36and all the other women in the locker room kind of lean in to hear
00:31:41my answer you know
00:31:44i'm just like um i don't know do you like a super grand canyon i don't know
00:31:54throw me a futon mattress i'll just kind of squat over it
00:32:06my vagina's gonna get bigger i heard
00:32:10whoo can't wait take up more space lean in
00:32:17it's already grown it just grows over the years i know because i mean when i was younger i could
00:32:22put
00:32:22like a tic tac in there and then just walk around all day at night i swear it would still
00:32:27be in the same
00:32:28place just whoop
00:32:33now if i have a yeast infection which i do
00:32:40i try to put one of those monistat suppositories in it just falls right on the floor
00:32:52whoop be careful they're very slippery
00:32:59i do i have a yeast infection
00:33:04i'm gonna address it because i have to do the pinch you guys know the pinch
00:33:08ladies just a quick little pinch
00:33:14but i'm really excited about this we don't even need tampons anymore there's a new invention do you
00:33:21guys know what i'm talking about no not the diva cup that is terrifying um the diva cup do you
00:33:28know
00:33:29what it is it's like this little cup you store in the back of your vagina and it collects
00:33:34and then at the end of the day you pull it out and you kind of kill bill just kind
00:33:37of
00:33:45no
00:33:50it's a lot it's too much for me i respect you if you can handle the diva cup
00:34:01such a confident name i'm a diva
00:34:07no it's more exciting than the diva cup it's a new invention called finks
00:34:13yes yeah you don't need a tampon they're just these underwear that you just bleed into
00:34:20you which i guess makes me a fucking inventor
00:34:31who knew should i go on shark tank
00:34:40sharks
00:34:48did anyone have a mom like me who didn't really trust tampons and made them only wear a pad right
00:34:59and millennials if you don't know what a pad is congratulations and
00:35:04a pad is kind of a foot-long diaper that you
00:35:10coil betwixt your legs and just kind of waddle around all day wearing it just
00:35:20crunch crunch and always sounds like there's a killer right behind you
00:35:36they were great yeah little adhesive wings
00:35:41it always stick right to your pubes it was a treat it's a real treat sorry you missed it
00:35:53i'm sorry millennials pubes
00:36:08anybody remember pubes
00:36:14i miss my mom's bush did you guys see your mom's bush growing up
00:36:20it's kind of comforting right
00:36:23the first time you see it i'll never forget
00:36:28remember i walked in the bathroom to say good night i was like mom mom
00:36:45oh hi mom good night
00:36:53i remember mom's bush
00:36:58i also had one of those moms
00:37:01who told me you only have to shave up to your knee
00:37:07right just shave up to your knee
00:37:11say mom i'm pretty hairy up no the knee
00:37:16okay
00:37:20i'd be at the community pool people are like
00:37:27why is amy wearing wool shorts
00:37:41but i have to give it up for my mom she made me so confident like she just straight lied
00:37:46to me as a kid
00:37:49it's tough to say confident as a woman you know we put on tv we see all these gorgeous women
00:37:57we have to compete with the what's her face the mother of dragons what's her name
00:38:01i'm chris jenner it's just
00:38:07it's tough
00:38:10it's tough out there
00:38:14no i love the kardashians the kardashians are so confident they confuse me about my own confidence
00:38:20like so before i was pregnant i i was kind of like feeling myself one day and i bought lingerie
00:38:25like the real shit like the you know fish nets and then like the pulley system here you know
00:38:36you thought they would have updated that technology but still like a pulley system and then like you
00:38:41know the boost whatever it's called and uh you know i went i paid for it i tried it on
00:38:47at home
00:38:47you know where i could take my own life and um
00:38:52in the safety of home and uh
00:38:57i tried it on and i was kind of ready to blow my own mind
00:39:02i kind of sidled up to the mirror and i checked myself out and i was like
00:39:07oh this isn't for everybody
00:39:17okay
00:39:20i looked like i should have been on law and order like he went that way
00:39:34my fish nets looked like they'd caught an actual fish it was
00:39:41it was pretty confusing
00:39:45it's tough to stay confident as a girl
00:39:48i don't know what i'm having i hope it's a girl
00:39:54um but really just because it's such a scary time for men
00:40:08such a scary time men thank you so much for leaving your houses tonight i just
00:40:15god first responders just
00:40:19i'm so brave
00:40:22i don't know if men know how scared we are as women all the time
00:40:28like one in three of us will be assaulted at some point in our lives if you're a woman of
00:40:33color it's
00:40:34even more than that if you're a trans woman forget it
00:40:38like at night in new york if i take the subway at night i will
00:40:42run home like women we run home
00:40:46not for the cardio
00:40:48it's true and you guys know when you walk your car in a dark parking lot what do you
00:40:51ladies do we do the little makeshift brass knuckle with our key right
00:40:56i don't know what our plan is with that key in our knuckle
00:41:00oh no you don't
00:41:05not on my watch i mean
00:41:13and there was a study done and it said that women mostly fear violence that's our number one fear
00:41:20and the same study showed that men's number one fear was ridicule
00:41:28oh yeah god
00:41:32i'm so sorry i didn't know you guys were going through that
00:41:38that must be so hurt for you
00:41:41do you guys run home because you're afraid of somebody talking a little jokey about you
00:41:59i think that we need to start from scratch you know i'm so grateful to this new generation of
00:42:06women they came along and they're like hey have you been getting sexually harassed like this your
00:42:10whole lives and we're like oh yeah
00:42:16and they're like yeah you want to do something about that and we're like oh yeah
00:42:26they're like yeah yeah we're like oh you're so used to it you know
00:42:32you're at work and you're like oh i have to like make every guy think that we also might
00:42:37fuck and do a good job
00:42:42it's not fair it's not fair to men either you guys are raised with so much pressure to be so
00:42:46masculine at such a young age it's bullshit it sucks it's like a six-year-old kid crying
00:42:52stop crying you little
00:42:54pussy
00:42:54you toughen them up at a young age so they don't get made fun of and then as little girls
00:43:02you're in
00:43:02school with these boys and when a little boy's mean to you or he teases you what does everybody say
00:43:08he likes you
00:43:12you know they're like um he knocked my books out of my hands
00:43:18looks like somebody has a little boyfriend at school that's a good thing and you're like oh
00:43:25oh that's a good thing okay i'm the luckiest girl in school
00:43:33he pushed me down the stairs you're going to prom prom
00:43:39right and then we grow up and we all have friends who are like why do i only date assholes
00:43:44because you've been trained to do that since you were a toddler
00:43:48you know we have friends who are like you should see us somewhere alone he's still
00:43:52really mean to me but it's not as embarrassing
00:43:57it like doesn't occur to us to be with someone who's kind until we're like almost dead you know
00:44:05i mean who cares we're about to lose our rights anyway right ladies
00:44:10take them i'm sick of it give me my bonnet give me my cape
00:44:15i'm ready done washing my hair all the time
00:44:20i mean look at us making decisions about our own bodies who do we think we are men
00:44:26come on decisions are hard
00:44:32rights feel heavy
00:44:36i want people who know better than anyone making the decisions about my body
00:44:41i want to call up mitch mcconnell and be like girl my discharge is brown baby girl what should i
00:44:48do
00:44:52mitch chuck grassley i got cramps my ovulating queen
00:45:00lindsey mammogram feel this what do you think you guys know
00:45:07maybe some of you heard i got arrested in october uh thank you thank you god's work
00:45:19i went down to dc to get arrested the different news outlets wrote about it like
00:45:26schumer's been detained like i was just on a walking tour of the washington monument
00:45:33but i went down there to oppose brett cavanaugh's confirmation
00:45:41thank you sisters men you can clap too
00:45:49spoiler alert it didn't go our way
00:45:55the whole way down i was really nervous about getting arrested i've been arrested before obviously
00:46:00but
00:46:03but i was obsessed with the fear of being hungry
00:46:09you know while i was locked up so which you know probably would have been like that before i was
00:46:14pregnant but that just doubled it so the whole way down
00:46:18and you know we we get down there and it was really intense and really emotional and uh
00:46:24and we were going to get arrested on the capitol steps but they barricaded those we all rush into
00:46:28the heart building where the senators offices are we all flood in this hallway and you know the banners
00:46:34are flying and the capitol police are closing in and we know we're about to be arrested and everyone's
00:46:39chanting you know no justice no peace and we believe survivors we believe survivors
00:46:45and i know we're about to be arrested so i am ramming snacks in my mouth i am
00:46:54everyone's like we believe and ah
00:46:57and the capitol police are looking at me like what the
00:47:00and i'm like
00:47:02just cookie monster crumbling on my face
00:47:07and i got arrested with my friend emily radakowski who's a supermodel like gorgeous you
00:47:11know and she's like in like this hot outfit and she's like we believe survivors and i'm in a
00:47:17department of sanitation shirt and i'm like
00:47:25and some people criticized me they were like you shouldn't that was irresponsible you're pregnant
00:47:29and i was like well that's why i went down there you know i want to be able to tell
00:47:33this kid
00:47:33i did i did everything i could you know
00:47:40and dc i heard has the best cocaine so
00:47:45my friend said it's fine
00:47:51the baby guys what the am i doing
00:47:58we have no idea what we're doing we have some books at home and every week there's a terrifying
00:48:04video saying what's going on in the baby's development this week your baby's growing fur
00:48:11and eating you from the inside
00:48:16i'm glad i'm glad i found a good partner you know like he's solid as hell yeah i just
00:48:22i didn't have the energy for dating anymore like remember when you hook up with someone the first
00:48:27time do you remember you used to undress each other do you know what i'm talking about because
00:48:33they do that in movies so you do it you're like it's always hard in movies but you're like okay
00:48:44a
00:48:44braided belt and there is the silver thing and then oh a button fly i'll just kind of yank it
00:48:53and then you're so am i in retail take your own off my back hurts
00:49:04i was in bed with my husband the other night and uh i was holding our dog and
00:49:09and my husband just took off my underwear and i looked over at him and i was like oh no
00:49:20that's crazy you know and he was kind of like okay like he didn't give a too much you know
00:49:29we're lying there and i'm like can you put my underwear back on
00:49:37such sad foreshadowing watching him like dress my lifeless body
00:49:48we're at the gynecologist a couple months ago and i asked is it is it safe to have sex while
00:49:54i'm
00:49:55pregnant and she was like yes it is safe to have sex through the whole pregnancy and i was like
00:50:02we'll be seeking a second opinion
00:50:13i was trying to signal her you know hey do you think it's safe
00:50:24for us to have sex
00:50:30do you think it would probably kill the baby and we shouldn't do it
00:50:38she's like no it's safe the whole time okay okay
00:50:45do you want me to come to your house and tell your husband he can fuck you
00:50:54because people tell you you're like wow that was fast last time we saw you you were single amy and
00:50:58you already don't want to fuck your husband
00:51:02i usually do but i have hyper emesis
00:51:05and you know everyone says when you get married get ready to stop having sex
00:51:11and we were like not us we're fucking for life you know
00:51:18now he like touches my shoulder on the couch and i'm like can i help you
00:51:31i'm over here you're over there
00:51:41the spontaneity's over thank god you know when you're first falling in love with someone like you
00:51:46might always have sex every time you pee you got to make sure you clean the toilet paper out of
00:51:51your
00:51:51pussy right every time you pay every time
00:52:04that is over i have like half a roll of charmin in there right now
00:52:09yeah
00:52:15i'm psyched to be done i am especially dating someone new you know and i'm glad i married
00:52:20someone he's my age like we're the same age so you know we both grew up without internet porn
00:52:27that's a huge deal right like you know now i feel like you can't like a millennial without
00:52:33them being like can you dress like an emoji you're like no the fuck
00:52:43no there's so many different types of porn it's crazy
00:52:47one of the biggest searches is gag porn have you heard of that that's where the girl gags in the
00:52:54guy's
00:52:54penis because it's too darn big i personally never had the pledge
00:53:05i just wanted to remind you that i've never struggled with it even though you remember the
00:53:10size of my mouth right do you remember how big my mouth is
00:53:18just like a tiny bow you could put
00:53:22okay yeah you remember
00:53:27gag porn like that one that one is strange to me like you're clicking on all these different windows
00:53:33nothing nothing and then a girl's like and you're like wait a minute
00:53:41what have we here
00:53:47maximize screen okay
00:53:52if you're into gag porn you should have been living at my house the last five months you'd be hard
00:53:56as a rock
00:54:01something else i won't miss and this is my psa to men um a lot of men don't really understand
00:54:08how to put themselves inside you not really even missionary
00:54:14they're you know they're it's the wrong hole or not a hole you're like you have to use an existing
00:54:19hole
00:54:24you're not going to confuse my body into making a new hole
00:54:30but most guys can figure it out but you really realize that they don't understand
00:54:34where our hole goes when they're behind you right because during some sex
00:54:41it's always i don't know whose suggestion to not look at your face anymore
00:54:47how about you turn around oh okay
00:54:52you look back over the shoulder they're like nope you're like okay
00:54:58over here
00:55:04that's when you know because there's a whole population of men who once they get back there
00:55:09behind you they'll kneel back there and just wait
00:55:15dick in the wind
00:55:21and you're up here like
00:55:26uh we're rolling
00:55:35and you realize that he's waiting for you who's on all fours
00:55:44to reach back
00:55:48and put him inside you you're like oh you you want me to oh okay uh yeah i'll just use
00:55:58my head as like a kickstand
00:56:08yeah no it makes sense i have the better angle here
00:56:15you want to back the garage up to the car
00:56:17you want to back the garage up to the car
00:56:22okay nope it's fine you've had a long
00:56:27a long day making more money than me here i come
00:56:45luckily my husband does not have that problem
00:57:02i know i talk so much about my pregnancy and it has not been easy but we're so excited and
00:57:09i do feel
00:57:10really lucky that i was able to get pregnant
00:57:19so i was single
00:57:23you know most of my life and
00:57:25felt pretty happy i love my family and friends and
00:57:29i feel really satisfied with work and
00:57:32kind of had accepted that you know and then
00:57:35i just happen
00:57:37to meet this guy and if you're
00:57:39out there and you're dating and you're just thinking like why can't i meet the right one it's not
00:57:46that you haven't met someone who told me this it's not that you haven't met the right one yet it's
00:57:49just
00:57:50that you have to wait for them to get tired
00:57:58no one told me right because men in their 20s and their 30s they're just running around
00:58:12and then like their late 30s they're like oh god oh god
00:58:19and that's when you come along and you go come on
00:58:32and they're like where where are we going and you're like we're going to sit on the couch and
00:58:38watch bravo till we die
00:58:48thank you so much chicago i love you
00:59:18i realize how ashamed i was of my period
00:59:23excuse me the baby
00:59:27right now every farts a gamble
00:59:32fart roulette
00:59:37my money's on brown um so they're flashing a light that says that i need to get some makeup
00:59:43because i'm sweating like a monster all right you guys like you can only see that i'm sweating
00:59:49here but if there was a camera in my asshole
00:59:55this is all my hair i bought
01:00:00there are these two people like right in the front row here i'm not gonna like look at them
01:00:03but like these two people and like they're like truly horrified by everything i'm saying
01:00:13i'm like did you guys think you were seeing godspell okay
01:00:18yeah i promise it's not gonna get any better you guys
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