Gabriel Iglesias is one of the fastest rising comics today! With his unique brand of humor, loveable stage presence and a wide range of voices and impressions, it's no wonder he became an instant favorite on "Last Comic Standing." Now you can see Comedy Central's "Comic of the Year" in a sold out concert performance at the historic Fox Theater in Bakersfield, California.
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FunTranscript
00:00:11Ladies and gentlemen, from Bakersfield, California, Gabriel Iglesia!
00:00:51Thank you! Thank you! Wow!
00:01:01Oh, yeah. I have no pressure. Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can't thank you guys enough for making this
00:01:08a completely sold-out house here, the Fox Theater.
00:01:16Yeah, man. You know, a lot of people were asking, where are you going to do your special? When you
00:01:19get to do your special, where are you going to do it?
00:01:21And a couple people said, well, are you going to do it in New York? Are you going to do
00:01:24it in L.A.? And I said, you know, L.A. and New York wasn't exactly where I got my
00:01:28start.
00:01:301997, my first theater performance was right here on this very stage.
00:01:41And I know some of you are looking at the background going, okay, then if he's showing Bakersfield love, how
00:01:46come he has a picture of Hawaii?
00:01:49And just so you know, that's not a picture of Hawaii. That's a picture of the Bluffs here in Bakersfield.
00:02:03I love you guys, man. I have way too many good memories here, man. Some of them are kind of
00:02:07blurred because I was...
00:02:11You can't have... Oh, seriously, around here, you got to be careful because the police here in Bakersfield, they don't
00:02:15mess around.
00:02:16They will stop you for anything, man. They got me outside.
00:02:20And you're... What are you doing?
00:02:22Walking.
00:02:27But I noticed something, though. If you can make a cop laugh, they will work with you.
00:02:32But you got to really make them laugh. You can't just make them go, ah, you got to make them,
00:02:36you know, ah, you know?
00:02:39I made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself.
00:02:43I know this because he told me. He was like, you don't understand. I damn near pissed myself.
00:02:52And here in Bakersfield, man, it's no different, man. I've had a... I love every part of this town. I
00:02:56even love Oildale.
00:03:00Oh, yeah.
00:03:03And for everybody watching at home going, what the hell is Oildale?
00:03:07Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:03:16Yee-haw!
00:03:19But I still love it, yeah. I still love it.
00:03:23But, yeah, man, drinking here in town, you got to be careful, though, man, because some people can handle alcohol.
00:03:27You know who you are.
00:03:28Some people can.
00:03:30You have no clue
00:03:33Guys especially you know how it goes we get loaded we turn into one of three people, right?
00:03:38We're either the I love you guy. I hate you guy or the mere guy
00:03:43You know that guy right?
00:03:55I
00:03:55Know cuz that's me. Oh
00:03:58My god, I can't handle alcohol people when they get drunk. They say things they don't mean you know when
00:04:03I'm drunk you hear something like
00:04:05I'm going running
00:04:09You better cut me off. Oh
00:04:12Hell yeah, man, and when I drink I only drink like regular alcohol. I don't do beer beer just doesn't
00:04:17know beer makes me talk to my body. I
00:04:21Don't like that. I'm when I get drunk on beer. I get weird. I'm like, you know
00:04:30What's the matter
00:04:36Hey, you said you could hang
00:04:40Don't talk to me
00:04:45You're talking shit, too?
00:04:56You're talking shit, too?
00:04:57That's what I say. You just got to be careful, you know
00:05:00And if you're gonna drink and you are thinking about driving don't do it
00:05:04You know, it's not a good idea because like I said, you know when you're drunk, you know when you're
00:05:08drunk, you're doing laps in the parking lot
00:05:09And you can't find the exit. Hello?
00:05:12Some of you make it out to the streets. You know when you're drunk, you're like, you know
00:05:21Behind you you hear
00:05:23Shut up, stupid
00:05:27You know, if you hear if you hear the magical sound
00:05:31Whoo
00:05:32One of two things will pop in your head
00:05:34Either one
00:05:35I'm okay. I'm fine
00:05:38I can beat this
00:05:40Or two
00:05:41Whoo
00:05:42I'm gonna go to jail
00:05:48I'm gonna go to jail
00:05:50I'm gonna go to jail
00:05:52I'm gonna go to jail
00:05:53I gotta let you go, babe
00:05:53I'm gonna go to jail
00:05:55Tell the kids I love them, man
00:06:02I'm gonna tell you right now, again, if you can make the police laugh, you have a chance
00:06:05If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, okay?
00:06:08Pull over as slowly and as safely as you can
00:06:11Get over there
00:06:15Now, if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail, okay? You're already, I'm gone
00:06:21Have a little fun
00:06:24I don't mean take off in a high speed pursuit
00:06:26No, no, no, no, don't do that
00:06:27Cause you're not gonna get very far
00:06:29I mean, if you're drunk and you know you're gonna go to jail, you know
00:06:32And you have tinted windows
00:06:35Have a little extra fun
00:06:37Take off your seatbelt
00:06:39Jump over to the passenger side
00:06:40Throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop
00:06:52You have no idea how bad you're gonna throw his ass off, you guys
00:06:56He's gonna come over to the driver's side with a flashlight
00:07:07Oh, you're sitting there and just
00:07:14He was here a second ago
00:07:18I don't know where he went
00:07:22Excuse me?
00:07:23What?
00:07:24Me drive?
00:07:25Oh, hell no, I'm fucked up
00:07:38That's sad cause I know some of you are gonna try it, man
00:07:40You're like...
00:07:42Like, do what the fat guy said, do it!
00:07:45And for the record, I'm not fat
00:07:46I'm fluffy
00:07:53For those of you who still don't know, there are five levels of fatness
00:07:57Fluffy is one of the levels
00:07:59There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy
00:08:01And damn!
00:08:04I'm still number four
00:08:06People go, how do you know when you're number five?
00:08:08Well, cause people will tell you, you know?
00:08:10If you try to get on an elevator that's crowded and people stop you and go
00:08:13Uh-uh!
00:08:15Damn!
00:08:17If you go to Disneyland and little kids wanna ride you
00:08:21I wanna get on that one
00:08:27Damn!
00:08:29Yeah, I'm sorry, little kids are too honest, man
00:08:31They're like little alcoholics
00:08:33You know?
00:08:34And as far as, you know, Disneyland
00:08:35I love Disneyland, but they're not fluffy friendly
00:08:38They're not, man
00:08:39They care about safety, you know?
00:08:41And it sucks, cause I can handle one bar
00:08:43One bar, I'm cool
00:08:44But now they got the whole, you know
00:08:49If you're fluffy, one of those is not gonna lock
00:08:53You're trying
00:08:56People are in line
00:08:57You can do it!
00:09:03One time I took a trip with my buddy Mondo, right?
00:09:05Big guy, another big guy
00:09:07And I went with him cause his family, you know, they decided to go
00:09:09And he didn't wanna be the only one hanging out by the strollers
00:09:13So we're hanging out
00:09:14And at the end of the day, my buddy Mondo goes
00:09:16Dude, we should get on a ride
00:09:17I go, which one?
00:09:19We can't get on none of them, dude
00:09:20We're too big
00:09:20He goes, there's a ride here at Disneyland
00:09:22It's called Splash Mountain
00:09:24I go, what is that?
00:09:27He goes, it's a log
00:09:28And you get inside the log
00:09:29And it goes uphill
00:09:30Goes down
00:09:31Makes a splash
00:09:33No seatbelt
00:09:34No pool bar
00:09:35You just get in
00:09:36And go
00:09:37I go, no seatbelt?
00:09:39No pool bar?
00:09:43No pool bar
00:09:43So we get in line for it, right?
00:09:44We're all pumped up
00:09:45And I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards
00:09:47I go, what are those?
00:09:48He goes, oh, they take a photo of you when you go downhill
00:09:51Oh, okay, cool
00:09:52So we get to the front of the line
00:09:53And then we have to deal with the lady with the headset
00:09:55The lady who takes her job way too serious
00:09:57Okay, how many people?
00:09:58Four? Okay
00:09:59Two here, two here
00:10:00How many? Five?
00:10:01Okay, three there, two there
00:10:02And we get to the front
00:10:03How many pe-
00:10:06Who cares? We get our own boat, right?
00:10:08We take off
00:10:13We're splishing and splashing like little kids
00:10:18Three minutes go by
00:10:19The moment of truth
00:10:20We get to the hill, right?
00:10:39My buddy Mondo turns around and he says
00:10:40Dude, let's flash the camera
00:10:45I said, you're stupid
00:10:48I'm down
00:10:51So as soon as it let us go, right?
00:11:00We get off the ride, we are soaking wet
00:11:08We're all rosado right here
00:11:11We got a mean old baby rash
00:11:18We go to buy the picture
00:11:20And there's a lady behind the counter
00:11:22With her hand on the screen
00:11:24And I asked my buddy Mondo
00:11:26I said, bro, what boat are we?
00:11:28He says, 22
00:11:29I go, she's covering 22
00:11:32He goes, oh, we better sneak out of here
00:11:33Oh, yeah, we're gonna sneak out
00:11:38We get past the picture girl
00:11:40But then we get stopped by Disney security
00:11:43And you have not lived until you've been stopped
00:11:45By a freaky man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse
00:11:51This guy was like, hold on
00:11:52Hold on a second
00:11:54Ma'am, move your hand away from the screen
00:11:56You guys see what I see here?
00:11:58That's a disgrace to this spark
00:12:00We can't believe anyone could take such a photo
00:12:03My question to you guys
00:12:06Do you recognize the two big women in this picture?
00:12:19And it wasn't until we walked over to this photo
00:12:22That my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves
00:12:25And that is it
00:12:26When two full grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45 degree angle
00:12:32With no shirts on going like this
00:12:36We both look like sexy bitches
00:12:48But again, if you're gonna drink, just be careful you guys
00:12:50You know, again, some of you can handle
00:12:53I got kicked out of a bar
00:12:55On St. Patrick's Day
00:12:57I was performing at the bar
00:13:01How do I get thrown out, right?
00:13:03You know, I'm having fun
00:13:03People are giving me free drinks
00:13:05Here, have another drink
00:13:06I'm like, woo!
00:13:08I started pissing off the management
00:13:10And the owners of this Irish place that I was at, right?
00:13:12The bartender's like, hey, buddy!
00:13:14Relax!
00:13:15Are you okay?
00:13:17Are you having a good time?
00:13:18I was so drunk, I did this
00:13:20I'm having a great time
00:13:28People around me, oh my god, are you Irish?
00:13:32I was like, aye!
00:13:36Like, what part of Ireland are you from?
00:13:38Uh, downtown
00:13:40Are you here by yourself?
00:13:41Oh no, I'm not here by myself
00:13:45Donkey!
00:13:54Now, if you're not laughing, you need to get out more often
00:13:55Because that's a funny joke
00:13:57That's hysterical
00:13:58Ask a ten-year-old, they'll tell you
00:14:00That's funny!
00:14:00Hey!
00:14:02I did that joke one night
00:14:04In Memphis, Tennessee
00:14:04And some guy thought he knew why I was funny
00:14:06And he was way off
00:14:08But he confronted me outside
00:14:09All drunk
00:14:10Hey!
00:14:10You!
00:14:11Fluffy!
00:14:13I'm like, what?
00:14:15Mirror
00:14:16No, you mirror
00:14:18And he walks over and he's like
00:14:20I have to tell you
00:14:21Your show is hysterical
00:14:22I damn near wet myself
00:14:24When you said
00:14:24Donkey!
00:14:26My friend Roy didn't laugh
00:14:28So I had to explain it to him
00:14:30And he thinks I'm wrong
00:14:31But I know I'm right
00:14:32Couldn't you have set the record straight?
00:14:34Sure, what'd you tell your friend?
00:14:35Okay, look here
00:14:36I told him the reason why it's funnier than hell
00:14:38But you said
00:14:39Donkey!
00:14:41It's cause you're Mexican
00:14:47And you people ride
00:14:49Donkeys!
00:14:54Normally, I would've been all over this guy
00:14:56But two things
00:14:57One, I was in Memphis, Tennessee
00:15:00No support
00:15:02And two, the guy was drunk
00:15:04I just don't deal with drunk people, man
00:15:05Uh-uh!
00:15:06When it comes to drinking and women
00:15:08Ladies, when you go out
00:15:09Make sure you take one guy with you
00:15:11You need to take one guy
00:15:13Even if he's
00:15:14Oh my God!
00:15:14You need one!
00:15:16Cause a group of you get together
00:15:18There's always one girl
00:15:19Who will elect herself
00:15:20The team captain, right?
00:15:22Try to rally the troops
00:15:23Get everybody together, you know?
00:15:25Okay, look
00:15:26Check it out
00:15:27This is a
00:15:27Shut up!
00:15:28Okay, look
00:15:29This is what's gonna happen
00:15:30We're gonna take my car
00:15:31So leave your car
00:15:32My car, leave your car
00:15:33Ready? Ready? Let's go
00:15:35They get in the car
00:15:41They get to the club
00:15:50Oh no, my purse
00:15:55They go inside the club
00:15:56They start jamming
00:15:57Having fun, right?
00:16:04Fulo!
00:16:10End of the night
00:16:11That same girl
00:16:12Who's been the leader
00:16:13The captain
00:16:13She gets more hammered
00:16:15Than everybody
00:16:16She's the biggest hypocrite
00:16:18Walking out
00:16:18Missing a shoe
00:16:19Purse
00:16:20Keys
00:16:20Friends
00:16:21Car
00:16:21Look at some of your pointing
00:16:23That's you, bitch
00:16:25End of the night
00:16:27She's stumbling out of the club
00:16:29I gotta pee
00:16:32Not anymore
00:16:36She's on the curb crying
00:16:38Mascaras coming down her face
00:16:40I'm so wasted
00:16:41Who the hell is gonna want me now?
00:16:45That's when I come out
00:16:46That's when I come out
00:16:46What's up?
00:16:54I keep coming back to alcohol, huh?
00:16:56I keep having these issues with it, you know?
00:16:58Like I got loaded one night
00:16:59And I don't know what happened
00:17:01I accidentally wound up at this
00:17:02Um
00:17:03Dance place
00:17:06Gentleman clubby place, right?
00:17:08I wasn't driving
00:17:09It was an accident
00:17:10We pulled up to the place
00:17:11and
00:17:12Rrrr
00:17:12Rrrr
00:17:12Rrrr
00:17:12Rrrr
00:17:13Rrrr
00:17:13I knew where I was at
00:17:17Even when you're drunk
00:17:18You could be drunk and blind
00:17:19You know where you're at
00:17:20As long as you hear, you know
00:17:21Rrrr
00:17:22Rrrr
00:17:22Rrrr
00:17:23Rrrr
00:17:25Rrrr
00:17:25Rrrr
00:17:26Rrrr
00:17:26Rrrr
00:17:27I walked in there and I got recognized by one of the dancers
00:17:30And you gotta call them dancers or entertainers
00:17:32Or they get mad at you
00:17:33They'll get mad
00:17:34Rrrr
00:17:34Rrrr
00:17:34I am not a stripper
00:17:35Okay
00:17:36Rrrr
00:17:37Rrrr
00:17:37I am an entertainer
00:17:42Rrrr
00:17:43You're nasty.
00:17:48Some girl recognizes me.
00:17:50She's like, oh, my God, I know who you are.
00:17:51You're famous.
00:17:52And I'm like, oh, no.
00:17:54Oh, no.
00:17:55And some other dancer who's spinning on a pole over her famous,
00:17:58and she stopped.
00:17:59Just beep.
00:18:01She walks over.
00:18:02Oh, my God, you're famous.
00:18:04Can I have your autograph?
00:18:06I said, you don't even know me.
00:18:08I don't care.
00:18:09Sign it.
00:18:11OK, relax.
00:18:13What's your name?
00:18:15Diamond.
00:18:17What's your last name?
00:18:19Rodriguez.
00:18:23To Diamond, with all my love and affection.
00:18:27Hurry up!
00:18:29I got mad, so I wrote George Lopez.
00:18:39I was drunk.
00:18:40I didn't care, right?
00:18:41I'm all loaded.
00:18:42She freaked out.
00:18:43She's like, oh, my God.
00:18:45Oh, my God.
00:18:47You're George Lopez.
00:18:50I can't help you guys.
00:18:52I was so drunk.
00:18:53I did this.
00:18:53I said, I know her.
00:19:09Hey, hey, cabrona, why are you crying?
00:19:13Why are you crying?
00:19:23I won't lie, you guys, George knows I do that.
00:19:27I don't think he likes it.
00:19:29I've done that to a couple of other people, you know?
00:19:32I did that to Paul Rodriguez.
00:19:33And Paul was cool.
00:19:34Paul was really cool about it.
00:19:35He was like, you know, hey, I heard there's a guy out there who knows how to talk like me.
00:19:42Is that you?
00:19:43I said, yeah, that's me.
00:19:47That's pretty good.
00:19:48I said, I know, huh?
00:19:52Hey, can you do Mencia?
00:19:54Yeah.
00:19:55Da-da-da.
00:20:06That's how you do it.
00:20:12Now, Carlos knows I do that.
00:20:14And he gets mad at me because he goes, you got to do it better.
00:20:19No, sometimes I use my voices for evil, man.
00:20:22I won't lie.
00:20:22If I don't have my way, like when I go to drive-thrus and they screw up my order, oh,
00:20:27I'm evil.
00:20:28I go back around and I start ordering, but I throw them off by doing this, right?
00:20:32They'll come on the speaker.
00:20:33Looking at a fantastic burger.
00:20:35How can I help you?
00:20:36I'll do this.
00:20:37Hello, sir?
00:20:39Hi.
00:20:41Can I please have a double cheeseburger and order fries and a shake?
00:20:47Double cheeseburger, order fries, and a shake.
00:20:49Oh, my God, yes.
00:20:51Thank you for looking to the window.
00:20:52And I pull up.
00:20:53Oh, they're not expecting me.
00:21:02Oh, the look on their face is the best, right?
00:21:05Did you just order?
00:21:08They come back with a bag of food, you know.
00:21:10Um, would you like ketchup?
00:21:11That's where I let them have it.
00:21:12Oh, my God, yes.
00:21:22Hell yeah, man.
00:21:24Oh, and by the way, before I forget, I know I have a habit of my shows of sometimes throwing
00:21:28a little Spanish in there.
00:21:29If you don't understand Spanish, I do apologize, okay?
00:21:32I promise I will be translating.
00:21:34I don't want anybody freaking out or reporting me to the management with concerns or issues, you know.
00:21:40What the hell is going on in there?
00:21:42What kind of show is this?
00:21:44No, somebody better hit the SAP button on that sumbitch real quick.
00:21:48I didn't pay good money to hear some Samoan speak Spanish.
00:21:57I'm not Samoan, I'm fluffy.
00:22:01I didn't know why the guy thought I was Samoan, you know.
00:22:05And I've had this happen a couple times where people go, are you Hawaiian?
00:22:09I'm like, no.
00:22:11No, not just a shirt.
00:22:12I thought it was just a shirt, but no.
00:22:13How could it just be a shirt?
00:22:14Just because you wear a freaking sombrero, that doesn't make you Mexican.
00:22:18I see white people, Cinco de Mayo, wearing a sarape, walking a donkey with a sombrero.
00:22:22You don't look at him and go, hola, amigo.
00:22:24No, you're like, hey, Ted, hi.
00:22:28You know, and he's walking around, hola, come on.
00:22:31Come on, stupid donkey.
00:22:32Donkey, come on.
00:22:37I don't get it, man.
00:22:39I'm just trying to do my own thing.
00:22:40But it's funny, though.
00:22:41I didn't know why the guy thought I was Hawaiian until I actually went to Hawaii.
00:22:44I found out that Hawaiian people actually look like swollen Mexicans.
00:22:51They do.
00:22:52I got off the plane.
00:22:53I looked around.
00:22:53I was like, oh, my God, my family.
00:22:57Even they were like, aloha, brother.
00:22:59Lo que le, malo, malo.
00:23:01Orale.
00:23:09I loved Hawaii.
00:23:10Hawaii was great, man.
00:23:12They have a lot of different cultures there.
00:23:14They have a lot of Asian people.
00:23:16A lot.
00:23:17A lot of Koreans.
00:23:18I know this because I got a couple of shirts tailored at some places.
00:23:21And every time I'd go in, it was always a Korean lady.
00:23:24An older Korean lady who was me.
00:23:28I'd walk in, and this one lady always had a comment to make.
00:23:31I'm there for a week, and every day she had a different comment.
00:23:34I'd walk in one day, and I couldn't say anything either because she was 75 years old.
00:23:38I can't say nothing back.
00:23:39You know, but there I am walking in.
00:23:42The lady behind the counter.
00:23:44Oh, oh, look at who's here.
00:23:48Look at who's here.
00:23:51Oh, shit.
00:23:52We're going to work hard today.
00:23:53We're going to work hard today.
00:23:55We're going to work hard today.
00:23:56Woo-hoo.
00:23:58I'll shut up.
00:23:59I'll shut up.
00:24:04Whatever.
00:24:06Make fun of me.
00:24:07But I can handle it, though.
00:24:08You know, I can handle it.
00:24:10People say, well, you know, Gabriel, you go up there, and you make fun of yourself.
00:24:13No, I don't.
00:24:15I come up here, and I tell you the things that I heard people say.
00:24:18There's a difference.
00:24:19You know, sometimes I set myself up for jokes, and I don't realize it.
00:24:24Three years ago, I bought a Beetle.
00:24:26Not even thinking.
00:24:29That's not the joke.
00:24:30Shut up.
00:24:33See, I can't even tell you guys this story.
00:24:34All right.
00:24:37I wasn't thinking.
00:24:38I bought the car because it was affordable, economical, brand-new freaking Beetle for, like, 17 grand.
00:24:43I was like, ah!
00:24:44First new car.
00:24:45I go to show it off at my friend Martin's house.
00:24:48I thought it was nice.
00:24:48I pull up, you know, brrrrrr.
00:24:53Martin!
00:24:55He lives in the hood.
00:24:56I don't get out the car.
00:24:59Across the street, there are these gang members.
00:25:02The kind of gang members, they don't really get into, you know, like, shooting people and stuff like that.
00:25:05They just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack.
00:25:07And so I'm there in a Beetle, and across the street, I hear this, right?
00:25:10I'm like, Martin!
00:25:11And over here, I hear, orale!
00:25:18Orale!
00:25:19Hey, what's up, guys?
00:25:20How's it going?
00:25:21How'd you get in there, is it?
00:25:31Hurry up, Martin!
00:25:33Two months later, I go back to pick him up.
00:25:36Now I've had some time to work on the car, right?
00:25:39I put some rims on it, some stickers.
00:25:41I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster.
00:25:43I thought it was bad, right?
00:25:44I pull up.
00:25:46Brrrrrr.
00:25:47Brrrr.
00:25:48Brrrrrr.
00:25:49Brrrr.
00:25:50Martin!
00:25:53Brrrr.
00:25:53Brrrr.
00:26:08Brrrr.
00:26:08Check it out, eh?
00:26:10It's the Fat and the Furious!
00:26:21I didn't even wait, man.
00:26:24Brrrrrr.
00:26:26Got rid of that car, man.
00:26:28I traded it in and got myself a big old SUV.
00:26:31It was nice for a while.
00:26:32This car freakin' sucked on mileage though, man.
00:26:34It got 11 miles to the gallon.
00:26:37Oh, you cannot be badass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.
00:26:41You can't...
00:26:43You can't be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars.
00:26:46You know, what?
00:26:46Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:26:48Brrrrrr.
00:26:4920 bucks, right there.
00:26:53Hell no, man.
00:26:54But it was kind of cool.
00:26:55It had a GPS navigational system in it.
00:26:57An OnStar, which was really cool.
00:26:59You know?
00:27:00I'm driving and all of a sudden these girls talking to me.
00:27:02Boom!
00:27:03Right turn up ahead.
00:27:04Woohoo!
00:27:06Boom!
00:27:07A three quarter tenths of a mile.
00:27:09Left turn.
00:27:10And I'm like, whatever you say, baby.
00:27:14Being a big guy, I've noticed that people feel compelled to tell me certain things after shows.
00:27:19I get people that'll pull me aside and go, Gabriel, you're a very funny guy.
00:27:23You're very talented.
00:27:24Don't you think perhaps you're living a little excess in life?
00:27:28And I'm like, well, I love to eat.
00:27:31Well, don't you want to live to be 100?
00:27:32Well, not if I can't eat tacos.
00:27:36And as many as I want.
00:27:39You know, a lot of people think that just because you work out and lift weights and you eat right
00:27:42and you do what people tell you to do, that you'll live a long life.
00:27:45Maybe you will.
00:27:47But, you know, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?
00:27:52I'll measure by freaking, you know what I mean?
00:27:58What good is it to live to be 100 but you didn't do anything?
00:28:01You didn't go out and kick it with friends.
00:28:02You didn't go out and get drunk at some club and wake up in an alley one time.
00:28:06You know?
00:28:07What good is it?
00:28:07You stayed in the house and you were safe.
00:28:10And I lived to be 100.
00:28:12You know?
00:28:12I don't know.
00:28:13That's why I, you know, I have a very big amount of respect for the crocodile hunter.
00:28:18Rest in peace.
00:28:19But, come on you guys.
00:28:20Yeah.
00:28:20He died at 44 years old.
00:28:22But, he died doing what he loves to do.
00:28:27Not a lot of people can say that.
00:28:29If I die tomorrow from over-eating, God bless me, that's exactly how it was supposed to be.
00:28:38You know how much adrenaline he had?
00:28:40Every single day, risking his life.
00:28:41You know how you feel when you're about to cross the street and a car goes...
00:28:45And your ass almost gets hit and you're like...
00:28:51And then you're hysterical.
00:28:55Oh my God, I almost died.
00:28:57Touch me, touch me right here, touch me right here.
00:29:00And the rest of the day, you appreciate life.
00:29:03You're like looking at the birds or at the sky.
00:29:05Oh, you're loving life.
00:29:08He did that every day.
00:29:10That's why every day, I try to live just a little bit of my life.
00:29:13Like, I might not be here tomorrow.
00:29:14Because you never know.
00:29:15I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could have had a piece of cake tonight.
00:29:25Shoot.
00:29:26That's when people tell me, why don't you work out?
00:29:28Why don't you lift weights?
00:29:29Well, what if I'm going to die tomorrow?
00:29:30I don't want to die sore.
00:29:33I want to die full.
00:29:35When the corner cuts me open, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges.
00:29:41And he's going to go, this guy knew how to live right here, man.
00:29:44Good times.
00:29:45You know, but again, the crocodile hunter.
00:29:46I give him a lot of love, a lot of credit.
00:29:48But you know, people go...
00:29:49He had such a loss to the nature community.
00:29:53You know, he taught us so much about nature.
00:29:56And I got mad when I heard this lady on TV saying that he taught us a lot about nature.
00:30:00And it was like, no, he didn't really teach a lot about nature.
00:30:02If you want to learn about nature, you watch Discovery Channel or one of these, you know, nature programs where
00:30:08they have a guy on safari and he's studying from afar.
00:30:11Crocodile hunter?
00:30:12No, come on.
00:30:13Every episode.
00:30:13Hey!
00:30:14What are you doing?
00:30:16Look over there.
00:30:17Right there.
00:30:18It's a tiger.
00:30:20It's a tiger.
00:30:21A tiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in 10 seconds.
00:30:24I'm going to touch it.
00:30:34Hi, tiger.
00:30:36Oh, he's angry.
00:30:37He's angry.
00:30:40Next episode.
00:30:41Hey, that's a king cobra.
00:30:42The most venomous snark in all the planet.
00:30:45One boy, now I'm dead.
00:30:47I'm going to pick it up.
00:30:51He's angry.
00:30:54If he really wanted people to think he was out there, man, America, we should have borrowed him and sent
00:30:59him to Iraq.
00:31:01With no gun, just a camera crew.
00:31:04Can you imagine how bad that would have freaked out the enemy?
00:31:07You know, you're freaking a soldier working for Al-Qaeda and you're out there, you know.
00:31:16And he's walking towards them wearing shorts.
00:31:24And he's walking up to them.
00:31:26And he's walking up to them.
00:31:40And he's walking up to them with a stick.
00:31:52He's angry.
00:31:55He is so angry.
00:31:59yeah man this country you guys i love living here in the united states i can't think of anywhere
00:32:05else i'd want to live some people say well you're mexican wouldn't you rather live in mexico
00:32:12i love mexico just visiting just visiting oh man i like it right here that's why it kind of
00:32:20bothers me whenever people go you know what is it like being a latino comedian i go i don't know
00:32:25i'm a comedian who happens to be latino what's the difference the difference is my special will
00:32:31air on comedy central not telemundo
00:32:42it's hard you guys you know you can speak a little spanish it freaks people out oh my god he's
00:32:49speaking
00:32:49spanish you know don't get me wrong i like watching spanish programming myself some of the stuff is
00:32:55really cool my favorite thing are the commercials because they're always about sex you don't even
00:33:00know what the product is until like the last two seconds it's always some model walking out all
00:33:04sexy right
00:33:13hola
00:33:15ay que rico
00:33:19and on the 28th second right
00:33:31and you're sitting there going i gotta go get a pipsy oh yeah oh my god i have a thing
00:33:40for soda i love
00:33:41it man i know they gave me water but oh soda i didn't even see that right there right excuse
00:33:47me
00:33:48un momento
00:33:51pepsi
00:33:53uh no that's actually diet which is cool
00:33:57i'm not on a diet and it's funny because people go well then why do you drink diet soda so
00:34:02i can
00:34:02eat regular cake
00:34:03i love cake man are you kidding by the way i want to thank the three people who brought me
00:34:12a cake
00:34:12personally i have them in the back i really appreciate that was very nice of you the management
00:34:16and the promoters are freaking out they're like gabriel why do they all bring you cake
00:34:21i go because on tv i talked about one time how much i love cake and so people bring it
00:34:26my friend mando got mad he's like why don't you talk about hookers
00:34:33but yeah somebody asked me earlier too they said gabriel when you when you get to do your special
00:34:36are you going to do anything about the country you're going to talk about politics well i'm going
00:34:40to talk about first of all how i love this country and i wouldn't want to live anywhere else
00:34:43i know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us would
00:34:47agree
00:34:49he's not
00:34:52i don't have to make fun of the president he does it by himself
00:34:56all right he does it by himself every time he comes on tv i can't wait to hear what he
00:35:04has to
00:35:05say especially during press conferences right mr president question it's been over a year what
00:35:12is your plan for katrina we're gonna find her that's right and we're gonna bring katrina to justice
00:35:23we have every reason to believe katrina's connected to al-qaeda kata katrina they both start with a k
00:35:31our president got elected i didn't vote for him but then again i didn't vote for the other guy either
00:35:36i was just like how bush won is beyond me americans we love to vote but we don't vote for
00:35:42presidents
00:35:43we vote for things like american idol because that's fun voting for presidents is not fun voting for
00:35:51american his she bangs she bangs that's what they should do for presidents you know just put both
00:35:57guys on tv for one hour call it something catchy like who's gonna run this bitch
00:36:03you put them on tv for an hour let them argue 30 minutes into the special you put an 800
00:36:07number
00:36:08on the screen and say cast your vote right you've reached the presidential hotline for george bush press
00:36:16three john kerry press four other options press five you don't like either one press five please hold
00:36:34i knew you'd be back
00:36:44that's right you know you miss your daddy
00:36:52oh my god i'm such a dork i don't care but i have fun though you know one thing you
00:36:58guys
00:36:58definitely made possible is i have the ability now to travel and i never did that i never used to
00:37:04travel
00:37:04until i became a comedian i'm like oh my god there's a whole nother world out there when i was
00:37:08hanging out
00:37:08in florida i got a chance to experience an amusement park that was a little different it was an alternative
00:37:13park called gatorland it's a real park and i've met the owners and they're really cool people but i
00:37:21got to tell you best part about this amusement park is they have a recording the funniest thing i've ever
00:37:26heard you call this park this is what you hear yeah you've reached gatorland america's premier gator
00:37:34extravaganza you've seen him on tv now come see him live gatorland you're gonna love this park
00:37:40then he says this for spanish press two oh i gotta hear this
00:37:48i don't speak spanish but you're gonna love this park
00:37:57oh i was dying i called him like 10 times
00:38:00oh that's the best oh starting to sweat a little huh too sexy
00:38:06i don't care though i have a lot of fun you guys you guys have made a lot of things
00:38:09possible
00:38:10um in the beginning when i first started coming here to bakersfield to the fox theater
00:38:14uh you guys showed a lot of i used to go to this taco truck place up the way called
00:38:18taco loco
00:38:23and still there i love food on wheels you know but this taco place has taken to the next level
00:38:31they're
00:38:31really really good there and i'm not they're not paying me nothing i'm just talking about them but
00:38:35i go to order and these guys were kind of you know the girls were cool but the guys were
00:38:39mean i try to
00:38:39order some food right i'm like hello and the guy was like what you want what you want oh hey
00:38:46dude can
00:38:47get two tacos chicken and a coke okay what else that's it
00:39:03whatever dude we've had a lot of fun we got to promote on a lot of different radio stations here
00:39:08in town to get the word out to you guys about the show they try to get me set up
00:39:12on the spanish radio
00:39:13station and i've done that in the past and it was okay but the last few times i had to
00:39:19say no because
00:39:20they put me on the radio with the guy who's like from mexico and i can speak spanish but you
00:39:25put me
00:39:26up against somebody from the motherland you know i walk in the studio and i'm dealing with this one
00:39:31guy right and then we go on the air and he's like i meet that same guy in the hallway
00:39:43he sounded just
00:39:45like that hey how's it going are we on the air no why are you talking like that and i
00:39:58freaked out
00:39:59because you imagine this guy goes home talking like that to his wife and his kids come two three
00:40:03o'clock in the morning his wife maybe wants to do a little something and she tells her man honey
00:40:07tonight when the kids are sleeping what are you going to do to me
00:40:33i know somebody who doesn't speak spanish is going to go home and try that tonight man
00:40:39see you better stop that
00:40:43see
00:40:46have a little fun
00:40:50like i said you guys i wasn't sure what was going to happen a lot of things have been happening
00:40:54over
00:40:55the years this past year i had uh the opportunity to be on a reality show and things kind of
00:40:59worked
00:41:00out a little weird um but hey all i can say is the winner the winner is the winner and
00:41:05he did what he
00:41:05did and he got what he got you know but hey this ain't bad for sixth place is it
00:41:17yeah i'm not the last comic standing but i'm the only one with a comedy central special
00:41:32i know my mom is here tonight she's like hello it's the pinchy eagle bye
00:41:38i love my mom she's over here you guys just say hi to her come on
00:41:46right there
00:41:49that little woman made me and she tells everybody no he came out of here
00:41:56i know but this is the road to success
00:42:03she is not shy she cracks me up though man because she likes what i do because it's working but
00:42:08she
00:42:08still doesn't get the jokes it's not that she doesn't speak english because she speaks perfect
00:42:12english she just doesn't see me as a comedian she sees me as her son i can't tell her a
00:42:18joke because
00:42:18then she questions it and kills it right i can tell her something like you know mom why'd the chicken
00:42:22cross the road and i'll get who let out the chicken
00:42:31it's a joke it's no joke baboso you know how much i pay for those chickens
00:42:40never mind no you never mind
00:42:44it's cool though man she's seen me do a lot of things uh a lot of people say well you
00:42:49gave your
00:42:49mama shout out what about your dad well he's not in the picture my father um let's put some beans
00:42:56out there my father was a mariachi way oh i swear to god dude he's one of those straight up
00:43:02you know
00:43:04and my mom hooked up with him about 30 plus years ago one night and uh you know nine months
00:43:09later
00:43:09and i came out
00:43:13so i have a vague memory of my father i knew him until i was about you know maybe four
00:43:17years old
00:43:18and then apparently they got the band back together and he took off
00:43:24and i don't remember exactly what he looks like and sometimes i'll take my mom out to dinner and
00:43:28i'll go mom just you know i don't mean to bug you about this but you know what what does
00:43:32he look
00:43:33like you know do you have any photos or anything i can get an idea and stuff and my mom
00:43:37she's funny
00:43:37she grabs the hot sauce he looks like that
00:43:46that's funny
00:43:47just like that
00:43:53those of you that don't know there's a picture of a mariachi on a bottle of hot sauce
00:43:59but yeah so we're doing okay somebody asked me they say well in your first special that you got to
00:44:05do
00:44:05you kept talking about this guy this friend of yours named felipe is he a real person he is a
00:44:11real
00:44:11person and he he's an old friend known him forever but he's one of these comedians who doesn't know when
00:44:18to stop being funny and that's why sometimes it's hard to hang out with the guy because you know
00:44:23i know when to quit especially around cops when i hear the joke is over
00:44:30if i hear you get an apology my friend didn't know when to draw the line you know and we're
00:44:36hanging
00:44:36out one day and sure enough freaking cop got mad oh you think it's real funny huh you think you
00:44:41think
00:44:41it's easy to be a police officer you see that scar i got stabbed in 92. see that bullet won't
00:44:4796.
00:44:48what do you got to say about that and i was like i have nothing to say about that my
00:44:51friend felipe is
00:44:52like oh yeah what are you doing fool watch this what are you doing he grabs my shirt pulls it
00:44:59up
00:44:59tells the cop fool you see those stretch marks donuts 1996.
00:45:09i said dude he's gonna kill us i know fool but it was funny huh
00:45:15and speaking of that i get pulled over by a cop one night two minutes after coming out of a
00:45:19crispy
00:45:19cream drive-through all right don't get ahead of me watch i made a left turn instead of making
00:45:24a right but i wasn't paying attention because i had a box i was like oh you're gonna get it
00:45:28when
00:45:29you get home oh you've been so bad so you're gonna get it i'm not paying attention i go the
00:45:38wrong way
00:45:38right sure enough i pull over later i'm sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking
00:45:56forever i said the hell with this he's taking too long i grabbed my box i put it on my
00:46:01lap i flipped it
00:46:02open right oh i was gonna get nasty and just as i was about to tear it up the cop
00:46:16gets to the window
00:46:17and says the same thing that they all say right you know why i stopped you it was too easy
00:46:22i looked
00:46:23at him and i said because you can smell it oh he was dying man son of a whatever he
00:46:39let me go man
00:46:42so i'm saying you just got to be careful if you can make a cop laugh you got a chance
00:46:47this past year i've uh i got to experience something else i experienced my first uh raider game
00:47:01and listen you guys it takes a lot of nerve for me to say that after the season that happened
00:47:09last year that i'm a fan and i became a fan last year you can hate if you want but
00:47:19you know what not
00:47:20only did i become a fan i did a show in oakland and i made a couple of jokes and
00:47:26references about the
00:47:27team and apparently there were two players in the audience i didn't know that maybe that's why they
00:47:35lost they should have been at home practicing but there were two there and they confronted me outside
00:47:43there were big guys like so you got a problem with the raiders and i'm like they grabbed me
00:47:50picked me up and pinned me against the wall oh my god luckily they fumbled me and i got away
00:48:11and people go well how do you come up with your material gabriel how do you come up with the
00:48:15things you're gonna say things happen to me and then i instead of just going to shrink or something
00:48:21i suck it up and i come up here like when i did the joke about the freaking volkswagen
00:48:25i really used to own a volkswagen i didn't just go let me see if this is funny i had
00:48:31a volkswagen
00:48:33no i lived it people go why do you wear hawaiian shirts i've always worn hawaiian shirts
00:48:37bottom line is simple why do i wear them because they fit
00:48:43they're colorful and i'm sorry when you wear a hawaiian shirt and you're living in the ghetto
00:48:47people don't think you're up to no good you're not a gang member wearing a hawaiian shirt nobody's
00:48:53going to take you serious you know where you from oh honolulu
00:48:57you can't be hard and colorful
00:49:09no way man believe me i've had my encounters i had a little encounter one time on a plane some
00:49:14guy was
00:49:14getting a little weird and i was like no more for me every time i get on a plane there's
00:49:18always drama
00:49:19always one time i'm flying to florida and our plane got hit by lightning
00:49:24uh-huh the plane dropped 600 feet straight down that's better than any ride you've ever been on
00:49:33i don't care who you are you could have been freaking doing 20 years in prison you killed a hundred
00:49:39people
00:49:40you can be the baddest toughest dude ever when you're in a plane and it just
00:49:44drops out of the sky oh i was gay for five seconds
00:49:51i'm not gonna lie
00:50:04oh i was a broke-back mexican yes i was
00:50:13i was in touch with myself
00:50:17i'm funny man anyways you guys before i go i just got one more good story to tell you
00:50:22i took uh i took a road trip about a year ago after i got rid of the beetle in
00:50:26the suv
00:50:27took a road trip from la to phoenix to go perform at this club let me tell you who's in
00:50:32the car
00:50:32i'm driving i got my buddy armando riding shotgun he's another fluffy guy we call him sexy
00:50:37bitch i don't call him that his wife calls him that he's a sexy bitch anyway in the back seat
00:50:45i got
00:50:45my friend martin next to him is my friend felipe so we take off we're on the 10 freeway we're
00:50:52passing
00:50:52all these indian casinos sorry we're stupid like that anyway all of a sudden all these cars start
00:51:01passing me right i'm getting annoyed because i'm driving a i said next car that tries to pass me
00:51:09i'm not gonna let him so i'm looking in the rear view mirror waiting looking waiting waiting and i
00:51:13see a silver dot the silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoochies in it right
00:51:19i said some of you guys are going how do you know they're hoochies because my friend martin was
00:51:23in the back seat going i feel a disturbance in the force
00:51:28they tried to go around and i cut them off
00:51:33i'm having fun they're back there whatever
00:51:38my friend felipe is in the back seat yelling at me oh what are you doing i go dude don't
00:51:43worry
00:51:43i'm having fun Gary you're gonna get pulled over dude i'm okay it's cool we're arguing going back
00:51:47and forth i'm not paying attention i don't see a california highway patrol officer creeping up on us
00:51:54all of a sudden i hear i look at the speedometer 102. oh i freaked out
00:52:08the little car that was behind me with the two hoochies they got pulled over because they were
00:52:11going just as fast you know i'm in the front seat of my car freaking out oh my god i'm
00:52:19on the verge of
00:52:20tears from the back seat i hear my friend felipe fool what are you crying for what are you crying
00:52:26for
00:52:26fool you're not the one with weed in his pocket are you
00:52:35you have drugs in the car i told you to slow down didn't i but no pikachu knows everything
00:52:47shoot everybody roll down your window i hurt the car mando fart do something man don't
00:52:52the cop walks over the window looks in sees my face recognizes me from tv right he's like hey i
00:52:59know
00:52:59you you're a comedian
00:53:05yeah you're that guy from comedy central you're the guy that does that joke about his friend at a hotel
00:53:09and you crank call him and you call him a dirty mexican and then you go but it was funny
00:53:13huh oh i love
00:53:14that joke that one and when you go chocolate cake oh i love that joke i hate to do this
00:53:20to you but we
00:53:21got two cars involved i need your license and registration okay here you go here you go so he
00:53:25takes my info goes back to the car with the two girls in it right the whole time he's back
00:53:29there i tell
00:53:30everybody in the car check it out he just recognized me from tv maybe if we have some fun with
00:53:35him crack
00:53:35some jokes maybe he won't take the car i don't care if i get a ticket but as long as
00:53:39he doesn't take the
00:53:40car mando be silly crack a joke martin be funny felipe what fool shut the hell up so the cop
00:53:46comes
00:53:46back to the car what the hell were you doing out there before i could think of something funny to
00:53:51say from the back seat i hear fool he was testing the suspension
00:53:57oh my god this pothead's gonna get me arrested officer i'm sorry that's my friend felipe that's
00:54:03the guy from the special that's the guy who says but it was funny huh he's just trying to get
00:54:07me in
00:54:07trouble i'm really sorry whatever so he goes back to his squad car with my driver's license and he's
00:54:13swiping it in a computer the whole time he's doing that he's being yelled at from the back seat of
00:54:18my
00:54:18car hey officer thank god you have a computer last week we got stopped in mexico that fool had a
00:54:26rolodex
00:54:29the cop starts dying i go oh we got him going we got him going i tell my buddy mando
00:54:35give me my cds
00:54:35i take out my bad boys two soundtrack and i pop it in track three is the theme song to
00:54:41cops
00:54:42i tell my friend felipe tell me when the cop starts walking okay fo here he comes i cranked that
00:54:48song as
00:54:48loud as i could bad boys what you going what you going what you gonna do
00:55:04best part now the cop is walking to the beat
00:55:14even better than that the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they're freaking out
00:55:18they're like oh my god we're gonna be on tv
00:55:24the cop goes to the girls gives them a ticket lets them go
00:55:29looks at our car and at this point we're like halfway through the song right we're like
00:55:44we got our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots
00:55:49the cop is in the middle of the freeway dying he walks over to the window and he's like shut
00:55:55it off
00:56:01ah yes sir hands me my license and the registration and he tells me gabriel
00:56:07i want you to do me a big favor i want you to keep this tank
00:56:11under a hundred you think you can do that
00:56:15do that for me keep on doing what you do and you have yourself a nice day
00:56:20okay that's it no ticket no ticket i don't know what possessed me to look at this man and go
00:56:29why
00:56:33how come the girls got a ticket and he tells me the coolest thing he says because they couldn't make
00:56:39me laugh
00:56:52you don't understand gabriel i've been on the force now for 26 years this is hands down the funniest
00:56:59damn traffic stop i've ever been a part of do you have any idea how hard it is to give
00:57:04two sluts a
00:57:05ticket while listening to cops i damn near pissed myself i was laughing so hard this is going in the
00:57:13books is one of the funniest things ever happened a police officer i swear to god the only story better
00:57:18than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him donuts
00:57:34so he starts walking away right and just as i'm about to start the car
00:57:43so does that mean i can keep my weed
00:57:49i turn around to yell at my friend too late the cop is at the window you want to run
00:57:53that by me again
00:57:54son you heard what i said fool oh you think this is a big joke don't you you think that
00:58:00just because
00:58:01i gave your buddy here a break i know who he is i like what he does i don't know
00:58:04you i don't like you
00:58:05step out of the car i turn around and my friend felipe is like oh i am so scared and
00:58:15the cop pulls out
00:58:15his gun i'm freaking out i'm like oh my god back seat my friend felipe oh i am so scared
00:58:26fool he's good
00:58:27he is good then he points it at him the look on my friend felipe's face
00:58:39are you serious are you serious i'm gonna go to jail i'm gonna go to jail
00:58:48the cop was like nah but that was funny huh
00:58:56i love you bakersfield thank you
00:59:18thank you
00:59:19thank you
00:59:22thank you
00:59:24thank you
00:59:24thank you
00:59:24thank you
00:59:25thank you
00:59:26thank you
00:59:27thank you
00:59:28thank you
00:59:29Now we'll see you next time.
01:00:03Now we'll see you next time.
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