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00:00C-A-M-E-L-S

00:14The evident Costello program brought to you by Camel,

00:17the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records.

00:20See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too.

00:23Find out for yourself.

00:25Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra,

00:30the swingy singing of Connie Haynes.

00:33And this being Thanksgiving Day, we recall this touching scene.

00:38As the good ship Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock,

00:40the captain shouted to the Indian chief,

00:42Hey, yes, sir!

00:55Hey, Costello, Costello, do you realize it's 7 o'clock?

00:58Where have you been?

00:58Oh, Abbott, I just came from your house.

01:00And have I got news for you?

01:01What is it?

01:01Your cat just had chickens.

01:03My cat had chickens?

01:04Yep.

01:05My cat had chickens?

01:06Yep.

01:06You mean kittens.

01:07Cats don't have chickens.

01:09What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night?

01:11Chickens.

01:11Well, your cat just had them.

01:15You mean that cat ate my chickens?

01:17He swallowed the chickens, bag and all.

01:19Why didn't you take them away from him?

01:21You know me, Abbott, I ain't the type that would let the bag out of the cat.

01:25I think I'm wrong, huh?

01:28Well, I've got plenty of other food around the house.

01:30Well, by the way, Abbott.

01:31What?

01:32Being that this is Thanksgiving Day,

01:33I hate to think of you eating alone.

01:36What do you mean?

01:37What do you say to having Thanksgiving dinner with me?

01:40Well, that's mighty fine of you, Costello.

01:42Good.

01:42At what time?

01:43Eight o'clock at your house.

01:44Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

01:47No, no, you'll get no turkey at my house.

01:49Then how about a little duck?

01:50A duck?

01:50Yeah, that's a chicken with snowshoes on.

01:52Hey, look.

01:52I'm sorry, Costello.

01:55You can't come to my house for Thanksgiving.

01:57I'm having a dinner for the snooty set.

01:58Oh, the snooty set.

02:00You heard me.

02:00No, I'm not good enough to eat with pigs.

02:02No, no, no.

02:04Will you listen to me, please?

02:05I'm listening.

02:06Tonight I'm entertaining a few of the 400.

02:08A few of the 400?

02:09Yes.

02:10That's 800 all to get it.

02:11No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

02:12Just the 400.

02:13That's what I said.

02:14That's what I said.

02:14That's your line, thank you.

02:16Well?

02:16Well, just because they weigh a little more to me, that don't make them any better than

02:19I am.

02:19No, no, no.

02:20Talk, talk, talk, please.

02:21I couldn't have you at my house.

02:23This is going to be a very classy affair.

02:25Why, I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on.

02:28Crumbs?

02:29Mm-hmm.

02:29Certainly.

02:30Don't you have crumbs at your table?

02:31Sure, Rabbit.

02:31You're welcome any time.

02:32No, no, no, no, no.

02:34There you go.

02:35You have absolutely no finesse.

02:38No what?

02:38I said you have no finesse.

02:40What would I do with a finesse?

02:41In California, you don't need a finesse.

02:45If it's cold, we turn on the gas peter.

02:48All right, Castle, look.

02:50I didn't say...

02:51Or the radiator.

02:53I didn't say...

02:54He's good like Boyer.

02:55All right, look, look, please.

02:57Furnesse!

02:58All right, all right.

02:59I didn't say furnace in the first place.

03:01I said finesse.

03:02Furnesse.

03:02Look.

03:02You don't know why, Stein.

03:03All right, you're getting me all mixed up here.

03:05Look, I'm trying to tell you...

03:06Listen to me, please.

03:08Your table manners are terrible.

03:09The last time you had dinner at my house,

03:11you did nothing but reach across the table

03:13and grab for the food.

03:14Well, what was wrong with that?

03:14What was wrong with that?

03:16You've got a tongue, haven't you?

03:17Yeah, but I can reach further with my arm.

03:23There you go again, Costello.

03:24You see, you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat.

03:27You have no etiquette.

03:28I got no what?

03:29You have no etiquette.

03:31Etiquette?

03:31Yes, you heard me.

03:32You don't even know how to say the word.

03:34Etiquette.

03:34Yeah.

03:34You don't...

03:35What do you mean?

03:36You mean antiquity.

03:36Now, it's etiquette.

03:40Well, etiquette and tickety, it's the same thing anyway.

03:43All right, so what?

03:43Well, I'll go out and I'll buy one of them books on etiquette-y

03:46by Emily Piller.

03:47Emily Piller?

03:48Yeah.

03:48That's Emily Post.

03:49Okay, I'll read the both of them.

03:50Both of them?

03:51I'll go from Piller to Post.

03:53Well, you should read that book, Costello.

03:55It will tell you a lot of things.

03:57For instance, which is proper to use when eating peas?

04:00A fork or a spoon?

04:01I don't use either one.

04:02Well, how do you eat your peas?

04:03Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate

04:05and bank the peas off the mashed potato.

04:09Costello...

04:09Sometimes the mashed potato's got you in my ears.

04:11Yes, I can imagine.

04:13Sloppy, huh?

04:14Yeah, yeah.

04:15Costello, you haven't got the brains of a two-year-old child.

04:18Oh, I wouldn't say that.

04:19Why not?

04:20Look at the difference in our ages.

04:23The way you act, I could never have you at my table.

04:26Look, Abbott, if you know so much about manners,

04:27just answer me this one thing.

04:29What is it?

04:29Which hand do you stir your coffee with?

04:30I stir my coffee with my right hand.

04:32That's funny.

04:33Most people use a spoon.

04:37Ah, that's not laughing.

04:38Now, that settles it, Costello.

04:39You ain't got no etiquette.

04:40Yeah, that settles everything.

04:41I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner.

04:43But now you had to be a smart aleck, didn't you?

04:45Wait a minute, Abbott.

04:45Yeah, you did.

04:46Wait a minute.

04:47Now, you're my old pal.

04:48I can't help it.

04:49You can't do this to me.

04:50Well, I did.

04:51You've got to invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving.

04:53I ain't got no place to go.

04:54I'm sorry.

04:55You can't let your old French dog.

04:58Look at me, Abbott.

04:59I only weigh 90 pounds now.

05:01Ah, 90 pounds.

05:04Why, you're 56 inches around the waist.

05:06Yeah, but I'm hollow.

05:07All right, look.

05:08Ah, look.

05:09All right, all right.

05:10You can come to dinner, Costello.

05:11But you'll have to make yourself useful.

05:13Now, get there early and wait on the table.

05:15Why should I wait on the table?

05:16Why can't I wait in a parlor with the rest of the people?

05:17No, no, you dummy.

05:18I mean, I want you...

05:19I don't want to sit on your table waiting.

05:21I mean, I want you to help with a serving.

05:22Now, the first course will be hors d'oeuvres.

05:24Of course, you know what hors d'oeuvres are.

05:26Yeah, that's French for leftovers.

05:28No, no.

05:29Costello, hors d'oeuvres are snacks.

05:30Now, you take care of the ladies first.

05:32It's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack.

05:34Are their husbands going to be there?

05:35Certainly.

05:36Then I ain't going to do it.

05:37What?

05:37Do what?

05:37I ain't going to go around snacking the ladies.

05:40Their husbands are liable to come around and snack me.

05:43On second thought, you'd better stay out in the kitchen and help with the oyster dressing.

05:46Why, Abbott.

05:47What's the matter?

05:48What you said.

05:49Well, what's wrong?

05:50You ought to be ashamed of yourself, talking that way to a boy of my age.

05:55What do you mean?

05:55I'm just at the age of picking things up like that.

05:57Well, what's wrong?

05:59Why, it's a good thing my mother isn't here.

06:01Oh, the shame of it all.

06:03What are you talking about?

06:04How dare you ask me to help with the oyster dressing?

06:07What do you mean?

06:08Now, look at it.

06:09I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table.

06:12And I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to snack all the ladies,

06:16especially in front of their husbands.

06:18But when you have the nerve to ask me to go out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters,

06:24you not only humilify me, but you have impugned on my good name.

06:38Tomorrow, on the back cover of Life magazine,

06:41you'll see a very stirring set of pictures under the title,

06:44Pair of Aces Back to Back.

06:45A Navy Dauntless Dive Bomber attacking a Japanese carrier.

06:49Notice, too, the pair of flyers,

06:51the pair of aces in the lower left-hand corner.

06:54And read the words they're saying.

06:56I quote,

06:57Camels, our cigarette.

06:58Suits the throat and the taste to a T.

07:01Unquote.

07:02C-A-M-E-L-F

07:04Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:07Could be with you, too.

07:09Here is Freddie Rich with Jabba Junction.

07:17The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:18Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:19The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:20Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:21The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:22The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:23Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:24The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:25Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:26The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:27Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:28The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:29Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:30The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:31Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:32The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:33Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:34The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F

07:35Camels, they're aces with the aces.

07:36The End

08:06The End

08:36The End

09:05The End

09:35The End

10:05The End

10:35Yeah, René

10:36You're the great René?

10:38Yes, I am, yes

10:39Then what are you doing in California?

10:40Oh, I always come here in the René season

10:43The René season?

10:46Yes

10:46Ha, ha!

10:48This guy's a washout

10:49Never mind that, Costello

10:52Look, we've got to get my Thanksgiving dinner cooked, please

10:55Kitzel, you'll find all the utensils in that big cupboard over there

10:58Oh, fishpash utensils, utensils, utensils, utensils, who needs your utensils?

11:01I brought along my own pot

11:03That's the first pot I ever saw with a belt around it

11:06Costello, please keep out of this

11:09Kitzel, do you know anything about cooking game?

11:11Do I know how to cook game?

11:13Why, I'm cooking the finest pinochle you ever tasted

11:16You, uh, cook pinochle?

11:19Sure, pinochle's a sauerkraut

11:21Oh

11:21Look, Kitzel, I don't want to get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue?

11:25Nobody ordered cold cuts

11:26Look, never mind that, Costello

11:28Kitzel, get busy, please

11:30And get the dinner ready

11:31No, no, no, just a second, just a second, my little man

11:34Don't get excited

11:36First I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and saws

11:40What chisels and saws?

11:41Cream chisels and cranberry saws

11:43You know, Kitzel, it's too bad you didn't bring your monkey wrench

11:47Well, for goodness sake, what would I be doing with a monkey wrench?

11:50Well, you could tighten the nuts on a fruitcake

11:52Stop, Costello, please

12:03Will you get busy and help, Kitzel?

12:05I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet

12:08Sebastian! Sebastian!

12:13Shut off that radio! Shut it off!

12:16My Sebastian!

12:18Well, I just come over to help you out, Uncle Bud

12:20And I thought the guests would like some nice romantic music

12:23Romantic music?

12:24Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music

12:26It is to another tiger

12:28All right

12:28Now, look, Sebastian

12:32If you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself

12:35Now, this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner

12:37The men will all wear tails

12:39Tails? Who's coming, Mickey Mouse?

12:41Now, will you please listen, Sebastian

12:44It will be your job to usher the people into the dining room

12:47I will sit at the head of the table

12:48Ken Niles will sit on my right hand

12:50And Connie Haynes will sit on my left hand

12:52Ken Niles is going to sit on your right hand?

12:54That's right

12:54And Connie Haynes will sit on your left hand?

12:56That's right

12:57How are you going to eat? Would you think?

12:58No, no, no

12:59Look, when you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen

13:02Then when I ring this little dinner bell

13:04Your brother will hand me the carving knife

13:06And you give me the bird

13:07In front of everybody?

13:11That'll do, Sebastian

13:12Now, go out in the kitchen and make some ice water

13:14And I do hope you can make ice water

13:16Yeah, sure

13:17You just peel an onion

13:18An onion?

13:19Yeah, that'll make your ice water

13:20Sebastian, ice water is frozen water

13:24Oh, yeah?

13:25Yeah

13:25Then what is frozen ink?

13:27I stink

13:27You'll get no argument out of me, Brian

13:30And now, ladies and gentlemen

13:47We take you to the home of Bud Abbott

13:49Where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served

13:52Costello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog

13:56But he is now ready to face the guests

13:58Let us look in on this dog face

14:01Costello, Costello

14:05The guests are arriving

14:07Open the door and announce them as they come in

14:08Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Ned Blank

14:10Mr. and Mrs. Phil Krasner

14:12Announcing

14:13Lord Hipsqueak, Knight of the Garder

14:16Lord Beaverboard, Knight of the Bath

14:19And Hedy Lamarr

14:20Hedy Lamarr isn't here

14:22I was thinking of another night

14:23Young man, how dare you leave me standing here

14:29I'll kindly take my card and announce me

14:31Okay

14:32Hillside, 2183

14:34Ask for Hazel

14:35If a man answers, hang up

14:38Wrong card!

14:40Wrong card!

14:41That isn't my card

14:44I'm sorry, I got that mixed up with one of my own

14:45Costello, what's your manners?

14:47Okay

14:47This is Lady Jennifer Cookie Cutter

14:50That little boy, my home, you know

14:53Is at Clendinning on the Tyne

14:55Clendinning on the Tyne?

14:58Then you must know my great aunt Harriet

14:59The old girl is bowling, did you know?

15:02Oh, from Clendinning on the Tyne?

15:05No, from hitchhiking on oil trucks

15:06All right, that's enough, Costello

15:16Take Lady Jennifer's coat and I'll escort her to the table

15:19Oh, by all means, the table

15:21Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse

15:23Yeah, Costello

15:25Costello, get that horse out of here

15:27Get out of here

15:28Get out of here

15:29And, uh, please

15:30Please, bring Lady Jennifer a cocktail

15:32Yes

15:33Uh, make it a martini

15:35Oh, with a black olive

15:36You drink martinis with a black olive?

15:38Yes, I'm in mourning for my husband

15:40If I was you, Lady Jennifer

15:44I would lay off those martinis

15:45They're pretty hot

15:45Costello, what makes you think they're hot?

15:47Of course, I just poured one

15:48When I dropped the olive in

15:49The olive stuck out as pimento

15:50Oh, by the way, Mr. Abbott

15:57I have a little, uh, Thanksgiving present for you

15:59A nice, fat Belgian hair

16:01I raised them, you know

16:03Oh, thank you, Lady Jennifer

16:05Costello, take Lady Jennifer's hair

16:07Take her what?

16:09Take her hair and put it in the icebox

16:10Okay, Abbott

16:12Oh, no, no, you fool

16:14Costello, now look what you've done

16:16Speak to Lady Jennifer

16:17Hello, Baldy

16:18Oh, I've never been so insulted in all my life

16:30Come, Lady Jennifer

16:31I'll show you under the table

16:32Uh, I'll show you

16:33Get the line right, not under that table

16:36No, no, I'm sorry, Mrs. Jennifer

16:37I'll show you to the table

16:39Very well, you may take my arm

16:41Does that come off, too?

16:45Costello, get busy and serve the dinner

16:46And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup

16:49Okay

16:49Lord Beaverbrook

16:52Uh, Bord, I pardon me, Mr. Beaverbord

16:54It's quite all right

16:55It's quite all right, please

16:56Uh, what quality of the turkey would you like?

16:57Well, I'm a flyer

16:59I'll take the weight

17:00And, uh, Freddie Rich

17:04Well, I'm a musician

17:06I'll take the drumstick

17:07And, Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like?

17:10Well, you can skip me

17:12I'm a good-end kid

17:13I hope somebody will remember me

17:18I like the neck

17:19I like the neck, too, Connie

17:21I'll meet you out on the front porch

17:22That's got to keep quiet and serve the soup

17:24And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it

17:27Okay, I'll fix that

17:28Oh, somebody turn off the light

17:30Quick, turn on the light, somebody

17:32There, the lights are on

17:34What's the trouble, Lady Jennifer?

17:36Oh, my necklace is gone

17:37Somebody's stolen my pearl necklace

17:39Quick, Castello, call the police

17:40Police!

17:41No, no, no, no, no, no

17:42No, no, use the French phone

17:44I don't speak French

17:44Oh, here

17:45Please, here, I'll call him

17:48Operator, give me the police

17:50Hurry up

17:50Hello, police department

17:51This is Bud Abbott's home

17:53There's been a robbery here

17:54Come over at once

17:55Well, here we are

18:00We're from headquarters

18:01What took you so long?

18:05I said, what took you so long?

18:07So long?

18:08What, are you leaving already?

18:11Now, shut up, you

18:12You look suspicious

18:13Stick up your hands

18:14A ridge for the ceiling

18:15Okay, but I know I won't make it

18:17I have

18:17Officer, there's been a robbery here

18:20The lights went out

18:21And somebody stole Lady Jennifer's pearl necklace

18:24I stole a necklace, eh?

18:28Somebody will get the jug for this

18:30Sounds like you've had it already

18:35Come on, come on

18:38Line up against the wall

18:38And you too, fat boy

18:40What's your name?

18:41Honest Luke Costello

18:43Costello, eh?

18:47Ain't you got a relative

18:48Doing time at Alcatraz?

18:51Yes, sir

18:51That's my Uncle Stebbins

18:53They put him in for something he didn't do

18:56For something he didn't do?

18:57Yeah, he didn't wipe off his fingerprints

18:59When he robbed the bank

19:00Now get in line there

19:03I'll take this gentleman first

19:05Uh, what's your name?

19:06Uh, Lord Beaverboard

19:07Uh, where were you sitting

19:09When the necklace was stolen?

19:10Well, I...

19:11You lie!

19:12Ouch!

19:13How long have you known Lady Jennifer?

19:15Well, I...

19:16You lie!

19:16Ouch!

19:17Gets rid of him fast, don't he?

19:20All right, Sergeant

19:21Drag this man out of here

19:23Now, Costello, you're next

19:24I think there are others ahead of me

19:27I'm ready to take you now

19:30But I don't want to be selfish

19:31Women and children first

19:33Sit down there in the chair

19:36Just a minute

19:36Who are you shoving?

19:38Who are you shoving?

19:39I'm shoving you

19:40And what's about it?

19:41I just wanted to be sure

19:43Now, where was you

19:47When the lights went out?

19:48I was...

19:49You lied!

19:50I expected it

19:51Ouch!

19:53Happy!

19:54Happy!

19:55What's the matter?

19:55Look what it is

19:57Did he hurt your head?

19:58No, but he broke my shoelaces

19:59Shut up, you

20:01Now I'm going to question the little boy here

20:04Oh, no

20:05Not that

20:05You can't question my little brother Sebastian

20:08And why not?

20:09There's only one head between us

20:10I'm playing both pots

20:11Oh, just a moment

20:13Just a moment, officer

20:14There's been a horrible mistake

20:16My bones went still in a fall

20:18They slipped off my neck

20:20Into my tapioca

20:21Well, leave him there

20:22You look better wearing tapioca

20:24What happened to Costello?

20:27But wait

20:27Wait a minute

20:28There's one thing I can't understand, Costello

20:30Who turned out the lights

20:31When you were serving dinner?

20:33I turned them out, Uncle Bud

20:35Sebastian

20:35Why did you turn the lights off?

20:38Because you said

20:39You didn't want to see

20:39Louis come in the soup

20:41Sebastian

20:43Do you realize what you did?

20:46You almost got me arrested

20:47Your brother

20:48They might have thrown me in jail

20:50Then I would have to walk around

20:51With the power

20:52Of the prison

20:53On my noble brow

20:54Why did you do such things

20:56To your loving brother, Sebastian?

20:59Oh, I'm a bad boy

21:03Well, Costello

21:10Now that we've done our show

21:12Let's get home and have our turkey, huh?

21:15I think it's a good idea

21:15Because I'm just about ready for it now

21:17Did you make the stuffing?

21:18Yeah, I did

21:19I made grand stuffing

21:20You did, huh?

21:20Yeah, I ground up a lot of breadcrumbs

21:21And then I put in some garlic

21:22Oh, that's swell

21:23And then I put in a little onion

21:23And then I put in some more garlic

21:24Then a whole lot of onion

21:25Then a whole lot of garlic

21:26Then a whole lot of more onions

21:27Then a whole lot of garlic

21:28And a whole lot of more onions

21:29Wait a minute

21:30And then a little more

21:31Wait a minute

21:32Wait a minute

21:33Wait a minute

21:33Did you taste it?

21:34Taste it?

21:35I couldn't even get near it

21:36Good night, folks

21:38Night

21:39Good night, everybody

21:40Be sure to tune in next week

21:56For another great Abbott and Costello show

21:58And remember

21:59Try camels on your throat

22:01And your taste

22:01See for yourself

22:02How camels' mildness, coolness, and flavor

22:05Click with you

22:06¶¶

The Abbott and Costello Program (Formal Thanksgiving)

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