- 3 months ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00C-A-M-E-L-S
00:15Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service, presents from the 6th Ferry Group Air Transport Command at Long Beach, California, the Abbott and Costello Program.
00:25With the music of Lee Steeners at his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes and the Camel Five, tonight's guest, Ms. Merle Oberon, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:45Hey, Abbott!
00:48Oh, come on, what's the matter with you, Costello?
00:50Hey, Abbott, I want to ask you a very personal question.
00:52What is it?
00:52Do you think I'm fat?
00:53Well, I'd say you were on the plump side.
00:55Why do you ask?
00:56Well, I was over by one of those big hangers.
00:58I was standing next to a blimp.
01:00All of a sudden, an officer points to me and says, look, they're making them with faces now.
01:06Oh, he was just kidding.
01:07You know, there's nobody that has a better sense of humor than a flying man.
01:10I know that too, Abbott, because I'm a flying man myself.
01:13What do you mean?
01:13I started flying when I was a six-month-old baby.
01:15You flew when you were a baby?
01:16Yep.
01:17I flew out of my nurse's arms and made a perfect one-point landing.
01:19No, no.
01:21You mean three-point?
01:22No, one-point.
01:23My safety pin was open.
01:26Costello, I don't believe you've ever been up in the air.
01:28Oh, yes, I have.
01:29I used to be a hostess.
01:30Well, you walked into that one, my friend.
01:32For your information, plane hostesses are always female.
01:36This was a male plane.
01:39Tell me, Costello, when was the last time you were up in the plane?
01:43Do you want the truth or my version?
01:45Oh, no, no, no, no.
01:47I want the truth.
01:48I think we'd get more laughs the other way.
01:49No, no, no, no.
01:51Tell the truth.
01:52Okay, I'll tell the truth.
01:53All right.
01:53I took my first plane ride today.
01:55Captain Dick Lasseter took me up in a great big plane.
01:58Try motor?
01:58Try what?
01:59I said try motor.
02:00Certainly we tried the motor.
02:03What do you think we did?
02:04Push it?
02:05Nah, skip it.
02:06I'm not going to get it up in the air and then try it.
02:07All right, forget about it.
02:09Forget about the motor?
02:10No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:11The other thing.
02:12By the way, what kind of a pilot is he?
02:14Was he flying blind?
02:16No, he was perfectly sober.
02:19What a dope.
02:20Of course he was sober.
02:22Well, never mind that.
02:23You know, Lou, I wonder what these boys down here at Long Beach do when they go on leave.
02:28Well, I saw a bunch of the boys down at the beach with their girlfriends.
02:31Did they go down there to spoon?
02:32Well, they didn't go down there to wash their socks.
02:37Well, here's Ken Niles.
02:39I've been waiting to see you, Ken.
02:41I was wondering what your wife thought of the picture we made last week.
02:43That's right, Niles.
02:45What did she think of my acting?
02:46Well, I don't mind telling you that she absolutely raved.
02:49She raved, eh?
02:50Yeah, they took her away the next morning.
02:55What's so funny about that?
02:57Did you make that up yourself?
02:58Yeah, out of my head.
03:00You certainly are.
03:04I hate that guy.
03:05I know you do, but quit arguing, Costello.
03:08I want to hear more about the picture.
03:09Did you read any reviews, Ken?
03:11Ah, yeah, sure.
03:12The Druggist Weekly gave the picture four aspirins.
03:17See what happens, don't you?
03:18He's got the band framed up.
03:20Certainly he's got the band framed.
03:21That wasn't a funny line.
03:22There was nothing funny about that, brother.
03:24Can you imagine that?
03:25Listen, Ken, I read all the reviews.
03:28And even Mrs. Roosevelt mentioned our picture in her column.
03:30What did she say?
03:31She said,
03:32My day was ruined.
03:36That's the one line I don't know why they got it in.
03:38Wait a minute, look.
03:40Lou, didn't we get any compliments at all?
03:42Oh, sure.
03:42We got one cheer that I remember.
03:44Where from?
03:44The Bronx.
03:45The Bronx?
03:46You know, in Hitler's face without music.
03:49Oh, yeah.
03:50Well, maybe we should give up the idea of producing our own pictures.
03:53Don't you be silly.
03:54No, no, no.
03:54Perfume Pictures Incorporated is here to stay.
03:56And I'm ready to start another picture right now.
03:59Push the button for my secretary.
04:00Okay.
04:01Hey, hey.
04:03What's the idea of a horn for a buzzer?
04:04She used to be a waitress in a drive-in.
04:06Oh.
04:06Oh, boss.
04:09I'm sorry it was late this morning.
04:11Are you doing anything tonight?
04:13Why, uh, no.
04:14Not a thing.
04:15Then try and get here on time tomorrow morning.
04:20You're a fine secretary.
04:21How did you get a job here?
04:23I used to be in pictures.
04:24I played in the way of all flesh.
04:26What part did you play?
04:27One of the meatballs.
04:28Everybody gets laughs but me.
04:34All right.
04:35Have patience.
04:36Have patience.
04:37By the way, do I have any appointments today?
04:39Uh, yes, sir.
04:40At 12 o'clock, you have an appointment with Hedy Lamarr.
04:42What am I doing after that?
04:43Me, he asked.
04:47Mr. Costello, could I speak to you for a moment?
04:50Why, it's Botsford Twink, our sound man.
04:52What's on your mind, Bots?
04:53Well, I want you to know that I was terribly hurt
04:55because I wasn't in your picture last week with Carmen Miranda.
04:58After all, if you're looking for new faces, look at me.
05:01My face is new, isn't it?
05:03Oh, very new.
05:04In fact, your whole head has only been slightly used.
05:08Please give me a chance, Mr. Costello.
05:10I really do have a lot of talent.
05:12You know, I do most of the voices
05:13in all the Leon Schlesinger cartoons for Warner Brothers.
05:16Don't tell me.
05:17Yeah, for instance, here's a little Porky Pig.
05:21This is the way I talk
05:23when I play Porky Pig.
05:26Porky Pig.
05:28That's all.
05:37I'll play Porky for you for $1,000.
05:39What are you talking about?
05:40Warner Brothers don't pay you that.
05:42I know, but Pork has gone up.
05:45What else do you do, Botsford?
05:46Oh, did you ever hear of Bugs Bunny?
05:48I have a carrot here, so I'll give you a little sample.
05:50Eh, what's up, Doc?
05:58Eh, what do you say, Chubby?
06:00What's cooking, huh?
06:01Of course, if you use Bugs Bunny,
06:03you'll have to use my wife, Mrs. Bunny.
06:04But we can't use two rabbits in our picture.
06:07Well, we couldn't separate them.
06:08That would be splitting hairs.
06:12Well, if you can't use the rabbit,
06:13maybe I could furnish some of the musical background.
06:15Now, I can imitate an electric organ.
06:17Listen.
06:23He's clever, ain't he?
06:25Do you call that an organ?
06:27Now, listen, Botsford.
06:28I can't use any of that stuff in my picture.
06:31Now, will you get out of here?
06:34Now, look what you did.
06:35Now, look what you did.
06:36Now, look what you did.
06:37Every time you yell at me,
06:38yell at me, yell at me,
06:40I guess I hit the hit.
06:41Well, when you yell at me, he gets that.
06:42Why do you yell at me?
06:43How did I know that?
06:43Did I know that when I talk loud,
06:45he gets the hiccups?
06:46Well, I know that.
06:47Well, don't yell at him.
06:47Do something for the poor fellow.
06:49Please, Botsford.
06:50I said, talk to him.
06:51Botsford, I'm talking low and easy.
06:52Now, take it easy.
06:53No more hiccups.
06:54That brings him out of it.
06:55That brings him out of it.
06:55Does it?
06:56I didn't know that.
06:57All right.
06:57Take it easy.
06:57How do you feel?
06:59Uh, better now.
07:01Oh, you do?
07:01I feel fine.
07:02Oh, I'm not glad to that, Abbott.
07:03Now, let's get back to this picture.
07:04But, Mr. Costello,
07:05are you sure you can't use the organ?
07:07Botsford, how many times do I have to tell you
07:09and I don't want to...
07:09Please, please.
07:10I don't know what I'm doing.
07:14Get out of my head!
07:24Costello, we can't hold up production
07:26on your new picture any longer.
07:27Now, we've got to get a leading lady.
07:28How about giving that secretary of yours a chance?
07:30She has blue eyes, blonde hair,
07:32and a Supreme Court figure.
07:33What do you mean, a Supreme Court figure?
07:35A Supreme Court figure?
07:36Well, what do you...
07:37No appeals.
07:38Oh!
07:40Besides, I phoned Merle O'Bron
07:41about playing a leading part.
07:42You did?
07:43Yes.
07:44I picked up the receiver
07:45and I said,
07:45Merle, darling.
07:46Merle, sweetheart.
07:48Merle, my love.
07:49And then?
07:50Then I dialed her number.
07:53Merle O'Bron.
07:54Merle O'Bron would be
07:55scrolling our picture.
07:57You know, and I...
07:58I sent for a new fashion designer.
08:00What is this
08:01that just popped in here?
08:02What happened?
08:03Well, now, wait a minute.
08:04I sent for a new fashion designer.
08:06I...
08:06Is that it?
08:08Now he's in.
08:08Come in.
08:11Good evening, gentlemen.
08:13I'm your new fashion designer.
08:15Uh, Pierre, you, Pierre.
08:18To my friends, I'm P.U.
08:21You said it, brother.
08:22Hey, get a look at that guy's hair.
08:24He's a male Veronica Lake.
08:26Pierre, this is Lou Costello.
08:28Oh, how do you do, Mr. Costello?
08:30Thank you, sir.
08:30Uh, you are just the man
08:31I'm looking at.
08:32I've not seen you
08:33any long distance.
08:36Get the way his hair
08:37hangs over his face.
08:38Pardon me, Pierre.
08:39Was your mother
08:39ever scared by a sheepdog?
08:41Oh, come on.
08:42Leave the man alone.
08:43We've got to get him
08:44to design Miss O'Bron's clothes.
08:46Now, no more remarks
08:47about his hair.
08:48Looks like a palm tree
08:49in a high wind, doesn't it?
08:50Well, Mr. Costello,
08:52I admit that my hair
08:53is a standing joke.
08:55Well, it needs a new switch.
08:58I don't know what's wrong there.
08:59Keep quiet.
09:01We must have Miss O'Bron's
09:02wardrobe design
09:03before she gets here.
09:04Pierre, would you mind telling us
09:06some of your ideas
09:07on women's clothes?
09:08Oh, not at all.
09:09Uh, you know,
09:10the main thing is color harmony.
09:12Color harmony?
09:13What's that?
09:13Well, it's very simple,
09:15Mr. Costello.
09:15For instance,
09:16if, uh, you were carrying
09:18a pink bag,
09:19you would not wear
09:20a green dress, would you?
09:22Oh, gracious, no!
09:23I wouldn't dare!
09:26Well, I'd be the laughingstock
09:28of my sewing circle.
09:29All right, come on.
09:29Never mind.
09:30What kind of line
09:31is that to get me
09:32a big man?
09:34Forget it.
09:34Skip those things.
09:36Come here, Pierre.
09:37Now, uh,
09:38with a shortage of materials,
09:39how about something plain
09:40for Miss O'Bron to wear?
09:42Uh, we'll call it
09:42a, uh, defense dress.
09:43How about that?
09:44How about making it
09:45out of barbed wire?
09:45That isn't defense.
09:47It ain't exactly an invitation.
09:49Go ahead, Pierre.
09:50Suggest a dress
09:51for Merle O'Brien.
09:52Uh, you know,
09:52something that she can wear
09:53in our picture.
09:54Well, uh, being a brunette,
09:55I would suggest
09:56that I make Miss O'Bron
09:57a gown of apple green
10:00with a peach skirt,
10:02a lemon trimmings,
10:03a plum ruffles,
10:04an orange belt,
10:05and a tangerine scarf.
10:07Hey, a dress,
10:08that's a fruit salad.
10:10Nevertheless,
10:11that sounds fine.
10:12Now, what about Merle's hat?
10:13Well, the hat should be
10:15very simple,
10:16but very smart.
10:17Uh, do you think
10:17the boys in camp here
10:19would like Miss O'Bron
10:20in a hat that has
10:21three roses
10:22and a ribbon
10:23on the side, huh?
10:24No, they'd rather have
10:25four roses
10:25with a chaser on the side.
10:31Now, get out of here
10:32and I'll design
10:33the clothes myself.
10:33Oh, Costello,
10:34you can't design clothes.
10:35Is that so?
10:36I just invented
10:37a lady's leg paint
10:38that takes the place
10:38of stockings.
10:39It even covers the knees.
10:40It disguises the knees?
10:42You said it.
10:42You can hardly recognize
10:43the old joints.
10:44Well, we let Merle O'Bron
10:47design her own clothes
10:48for the picture.
10:49What do you say?
10:49Yes, and I'm just
10:50the girl who can do it.
10:51Now, listen, kid,
10:52you keep out of this.
10:53Look who it is.
10:54It's Merle O'Bron!
11:04Merle, I'm overjoyed.
11:05I'm overcome.
11:07I'm overwhelmed.
11:07Merle, I'm over here.
11:11Merle, I've always
11:13been in love with you.
11:14You're so beautiful.
11:16Can I give you a kiss?
11:17Well, all right,
11:19but just one.
11:24Merle, where did you
11:26learn to kiss like that?
11:27I used to be a bugler
11:28in a Boy Scout.
11:31Now, look,
11:31if you folks don't mind,
11:32we'll go over the script
11:33of the picture
11:34that you are going
11:34to play tonight.
11:35It's a story
11:36of the knights of old.
11:37Merle, you play
11:38a beautiful princess.
11:40And you wear a hoop skirt.
11:42A hoop skirt?
11:43Yeah, a hoop skirt.
11:44That's a parachute
11:45with legs.
11:47Costello plays
11:48the part of a knight.
11:49He's in love with you.
11:50I thought knights were tall.
11:52Well, kid,
11:52on account of daylight
11:53saving time,
11:54the knights are getting shorter.
11:58As the first scene opens,
11:59Merle, you're in the palace
12:01awaiting the arrival
12:02of your lover.
12:03You are playing the organ.
12:05Organ like this
12:06and the other.
12:08Oh, Botsford,
12:09can I tell you
12:10that you couldn't
12:10be in this picture?
12:12Don't do that.
12:13Oh, I started it again.
12:14I started it again.
12:14I started it again.
12:15Don't shout at him.
12:16Oh, I'm sorry.
12:17I'm sorry.
12:18I'm sorry.
12:18I'm sorry.
12:19All right, I'm sorry.
12:20I'm talking nice.
12:21Easy, relax.
12:21Take it easy.
12:22All right, Botsford.
12:23Shout at him in a while.
12:23I'm talking nice.
12:24How easy can I do?
12:25I'm okay.
12:26I'm sorry, Botsford.
12:27I'm very sorry.
12:27I'm okay now,
12:28Mr. Costello.
12:29Oh, I'm glad you are.
12:30Now, keep out of the picture.
12:32You did it again.
12:36Will you please
12:37put a gag in his mouth?
12:39Put a gag in his mouth?
12:41If I had a gag,
12:42I'd tell it myself.
12:47Come on.
12:48Let's get back
12:48to this story.
12:49Costello,
12:50as a knight,
12:51your costume
12:51is a suit of armor.
12:53That's right, Lou.
12:54You wear an iron coat,
12:55an iron vest,
12:56and iron trousers.
12:56In fact,
12:57you wear a whole iron suit.
12:59Where do I get a purse?
12:59At Lockheed?
13:02Now, your suit
13:03may become rusty,
13:04so you better
13:04keep yourself well-oiled.
13:05I'd have to be oiled
13:06to make love to you
13:07in an iron suit.
13:10Merle,
13:10you walk out
13:11on the balcony.
13:12Yes,
13:13and I sneak right up to it.
13:14How do you get
13:14across the moat?
13:15I caught the guard
13:16with his bridges down.
13:19Then we have
13:20the big scene
13:20where Costello
13:21serenades you
13:22with a song of love.
13:24And, Lou,
13:24I will drop a flower
13:25on you.
13:26In a mad moment
13:27of love?
13:28No,
13:29in a pot.
13:33Now, Merle,
13:34you signal
13:35that the coast
13:36is clear.
13:37And, Costello,
13:37you climb the balcony.
13:39You reach Merle's side.
13:40You're panting
13:41from the long climb
13:42in that suit of armor.
13:43Yes,
13:44that's it.
13:45You gaze
13:46into her eyes.
13:47Remember,
13:47this is your big chance.
13:49Never mind,
13:49no more pants.
13:51There's a motion
13:52in your voice.
13:54As you stand there
13:55in your iron suit,
13:56what do you say to her?
13:58Hey, kid,
13:58have you got a can opener?
13:59Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
17:08As the scene opens, the princess and I await the arrival of two brave knights in our kingdom.
17:14Curtain?
17:14Greetings, brave knights.
17:20Kindly approach the throne?
17:22Greetings, your majesty.
17:23I am Sir Lime, knight of the bath, from Saxony.
17:27And I am Sir Porterhouse, knight of the bath, from Constantinople.
17:30What a...
17:31What kind of worst do I give you?
17:34Constantinople?
17:35Yeah, Turkish bear.
17:36Greetings, brave knights.
17:38Greetings, brave knights.
17:39I am the princess Guinevere.
17:41And who are those beautiful dames with you?
17:43They are my ladies in waiting.
17:44Well, what are we waiting for?
17:46Woo!
17:47Quiet, Costello.
17:48Oh, Sir Porterhouse, you must save our kingdom.
17:51The people are angry.
17:53They are clamoring outside the gates of the palace.
17:55Just listen to them clamor.
17:57Clamor, clamor, clamor.
17:59Clamor.
17:59Did you hear that?
18:03The people are revolting.
18:04They certainly are.
18:05No, no.
18:08No, no.
18:08The people are starving.
18:10They have not eaten in five days.
18:12Oh, they should try and force themselves.
18:14They've got to eat.
18:16But, my dear princess, have we no food?
18:20Alas, no.
18:20The dragon has destroyed our crops.
18:22You mean all our corn is gone?
18:24Yes.
18:25There's only enough left for this program.
18:26What's so funny about that?
18:32What a fresh princess.
18:34Listen.
18:35Listen to the people shouting.
18:37They have been shouting for five days, but I dare not speak to them.
18:40I will speak to the people, Your Majesty.
18:42Open the door.
18:43I'll make a speech.
18:46People of Saxony.
18:49Shut up.
18:52That got them.
18:53Now, my dear princess,
18:55just what do you desire us to do?
18:57My dear knight,
18:58for several years now,
19:00my father has been bothered by a terrible dragon.
19:02Why doesn't he pick up his feet?
19:05You don't understand.
19:09You don't understand.
19:10Nobody understood that.
19:13Today, the dragon is coming to carry off the princess, Guinevere.
19:17You must save me from this mean monster, Sir Porterhouse.
19:20He's a very mean beast.
19:21Okay, kid.
19:22He has two heads.
19:23One at each end.
19:25How does he sit down?
19:28He can't.
19:29That's what makes him so mean.
19:31Well, don't be mean.
19:33Don't worry, Pritchie.
19:36All right.
19:36I'm allowed one mistake, eh?
19:40I am not afraid of nothing.
19:42One time, I climbed up a tree,
19:43and I bagged a ferocious tiger.
19:45You went up a tree after a tiger?
19:47No.
19:48He came up after me.
19:52But you said you bagged him.
19:53I did bag him.
19:54I bagged him to go away,
19:56but it wouldn't.
19:58And what happened?
19:59Well, I snapped at the tiger.
20:01The tiger snapped at me,
20:02and suddenly something was past me.
20:04What was it?
20:05Pomona.
20:06Pomona.
20:07Talk sense, will you?
20:08Then my uncle came to my rescue,
20:10and I finally brought that tiger home stuffed.
20:12What was he stuffed with?
20:13My uncle.
20:13Oh, your majesty,
20:17the dragon is almost upon us.
20:19He's coming to get the princess.
20:20Quick, princess.
20:21Button up my iron suit.
20:24Wait a minute.
20:25Just a minute.
20:26I thought you were a princess.
20:27I work at swing shift on the side.
20:32Costello,
20:33look at that thing belching,
20:35smoking fire.
20:35Is that the dragon?
20:36It ain't a smudge pot.
20:38I'm getting out of here.
20:40It's too late.
20:40He's got us trapped.
20:41Here, here he comes.
20:44Now do what he does.
20:45Do exactly what he does.
20:46Right.
20:47He's staring at you.
20:48Stare back at him.
20:48I can't.
20:49All right, I can't do it.
20:50Quiet.
20:51He's roaring at you.
20:52Roar back at him.
20:54That'll scare him.
20:55Wait a minute.
20:56Wait a minute.
20:57Now he's wagging his tail.
20:59That lets me out.
21:02Look out.
21:04Look out.
21:04He's going to charge.
21:05He's going to charge?
21:06How much?
21:07Oh.
21:08Josh, quick.
21:09Grab him, grab him.
21:10I have a gun.
21:13There's a fancy line.
21:14Grab him by the gullet.
21:15Grab him by the gullet.
21:17By the what?
21:18The gullet.
21:19The gullet.
21:19The dragon's neck.
21:20Let him neck.
21:21What do I care about their love life?
21:23Give me my sword.
21:24Give me my sword, somebody.
21:26I'll cut his nose off.
21:27But how will he smell?
21:29That is something that should only interest another dragon.
21:34Look out.
21:34He's coming at you.
21:35Be careful, Costello.
21:36Your back is turned to him.
21:38He's coming up behind you.
21:39I know it.
21:42I know it.
21:43I know it.
21:43He got me.
21:44Where did he get you?
21:45Well, if I was wearing a license plate, he would have got off the last three numbers.
21:51Hey, he ruined my suit.
21:54My good iron suit he ruined.
21:56You nasty dragon.
21:58Get out of here.
21:59Oh, don't do that.
22:01Don't yell at me.
22:02Oh, what a stupid thing.
22:03How can I do the...
22:04Yes, sir.
22:04How can I do the...
22:05I can't do the...
22:06Now, stop.
22:06Stop.
22:07What can I do to keep you quiet, Botts?
22:08Will I cut him out?
22:09I'm sorry.
22:11And it's your own fault for hollering at him.
22:12There's only one...
22:13Only one thing that'll cure my hiccups.
22:15If you'll let me kiss Miss Oberon.
22:17Oh, very well.
22:18I'll kiss you.
22:19If only you'll stop those awful hiccups.
22:20Go ahead, Bottsford.
22:21Kiss her.
22:22Okay.
22:27Um...
22:27How do you feel now, Bottsford?
22:29Oh, I feel fine.
22:31But...
22:32What happened to me?
22:34That's awful.
22:35I feel fine.
22:36Ha ha ha!
22:36Ha ha ha!
22:36Ha ha ha!
22:37Ha ha ha!
22:37Ha ha ha ha!
22:38Ha ha ha!
22:38Ha ha ha!
22:38Ha ha ha!
22:38Ha ha ha ha!
22:38Ha ha ha ha!
22:39Ha ha ha ha ha!
22:42Ha ha ha ha ha!
22:43Ha ha ha ha!
22:43Ha ha ha ha ha!
22:45Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
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