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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00The Abbot and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the surf.
00:18Camels stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world.
00:23Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes.
00:30Tonight's guest, the Paramount star of And the Angels Sing, Miss Dorothy Lamour, and starring Bud Abbott and Luke Costello.
00:46Oh, Costello, stop all that noise.
00:50Well, good evening, Your Honor.
00:52What do you mean?
00:52How are you, Your Honor?
00:53All right.
00:53How are you feeling, Your Honor?
00:55What's the matter?
00:55Greetings, Your Honor.
00:57Costello, please don't call me Your Honor around here.
00:59Abbott, don't be so modest.
01:01Ladies and gentlemen, I want you all to know that my old pal, Bud Abbott, has just been elected mayor of Sherman Oaks, California.
01:08So help me, this is no gag, it's on the level.
01:10And I say...
01:12And that's the truth.
01:16And I say, let's give his honor a great big hand.
01:21Speech, Abbott, speech.
01:22Come on, do the speech.
01:23All right.
01:24That's a little too short, Abott.
01:27Make another one that we'll understand.
01:28Make another speech.
01:29I didn't start yet, Costello.
01:31Come on, what are you waiting for?
01:32Go ahead, make a speech.
01:32Okay.
01:33Hey, ladies and gentlemen.
01:34That's all.
01:36Now, just a minute, Costello.
01:37No, this is the way he talks now, ladies and gentlemen.
01:39Now, just a minute.
01:40So fluently.
01:41Now, listen, low, please.
01:42I'm very proud.
01:43Watch in my eye.
01:43I am.
01:44Never mind.
01:44I am very proud to be mayor of Sherman Oaks.
01:46It's a beautiful little town.
01:48Yes, I'll say it is.
01:49I just drove through it on the way down here, Abbott.
01:51You did?
01:51What's that little green building right next to the pool room?
01:53Oh, that's the city hall.
01:54Well, you better get out there right away.
01:56The rats are dragging it down the sewer.
01:59Costello, are you insinuating that Sherman Oaks is a small town?
02:02Brother, that town is so small, the motorcycle cop goes around on roller skates.
02:06Oh.
02:07Boy, is it a lonely place.
02:09Lonely?
02:10You heard me, Abbott.
02:10It's so lonely out there, the mosquitoes go around stinging each other.
02:14No, no.
02:15But I like the way it's laid out.
02:17What do you mean?
02:18It's a graveyard with lights.
02:20Now.
02:24All right, Costello.
02:25Well, go ahead and laugh, but wait until next week.
02:28I'm moving into the mayor's residence.
02:29The mayor's residence.
02:30Now, there's a lovely house.
02:32Two rooms and a path.
02:34Oh, no.
02:35Not bad.
02:36Path.
02:36All right.
02:37You wait until you see it next week.
02:39I'm going to have the most beautiful house in Sherman Oaks.
02:41I'm putting a wing on it.
02:43Why don't you put two wings on it and fly it over to Glendale?
02:46Well, Costello, there's no sense discussing politics with you.
02:49You're too ignorant.
02:50Ignorant?
02:50I'll have you know that in my class of school, I was a moron.
02:53A moron?
02:54Is that good?
02:55In my class, it's excellent.
02:57Oh.
02:58Oh, never mind politics.
03:00We have something more important to think about.
03:01We're starting our new picture at MGM next week, and we've got to find a new leading lady.
03:05Abbott, you're right.
03:07The last leading lady we had...
03:08Boy, was she murdered.
03:09Why?
03:09What was wrong with her?
03:10Every time I kissed her, she sounded like she was gargling.
03:12And what was she doing?
03:13Gargling?
03:13Well, you have nothing to worry about this time.
03:17Mentor says we can cast the whole picture ourselves.
03:19Oh, good, good.
03:20Well, good evening, boys.
03:21Oh, it's Ken Niles.
03:23Say, Ken, Costello and I are getting ready to cast our next picture, and we are looking
03:26for a leading lady.
03:28Well, of course, my beautiful wife would be wonderful for the part.
03:32Look, Niles, we're not making a horror picture.
03:35Now, look here, Costello.
03:37I'll have you know that my wife is a prized beauty.
03:39I stole her from Cary Grant.
03:41That ought to teach Grant to keep a stable door locked.
03:46I heard that remark.
03:48It's Mrs. Niles.
03:50I said it for you to hear.
03:52Take it easy.
03:52Dribble, puss.
03:53Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
03:55I'll have you know, Costello, that I could be a star in pictures.
03:58Why, why, only last week a director told me that there was character, dignity, strength,
04:04and intelligence in my face.
04:05He must have been reading between the lines.
04:09Costello, that, that's very unkind.
04:11Mrs. Niles has no lines in her face.
04:13Oh, no, if she had a string on each ear, she'd look like a Phoenician blind.
04:18Oh, Costello, there's only one reason why I don't break you in two.
04:24Well, what is it?
04:25I couldn't stand two of you.
04:29Oh, you really told him that time, dear.
04:32Oh, you're a card.
04:33Oh, no, Kenneth, you're a card.
04:35Oh, no, no, you're a card.
04:36Oh, I said, Kenneth, you are a card.
04:39Well, there's a couple of old cards.
04:40They ought to get lost in a shuffle.
04:42All right.
04:43You kids are laughing before the jokes are out.
04:48Now, look, quit arguing, Costello.
04:50Mrs. Niles may be just the leading lady we were looking for.
04:52Oh, thank you, Mr. Abbott.
04:54Oh, but you better give me a contact at once,
04:56because two leading men are fighting over me right now.
05:00Who are they, Frankenstein and Dracula?
05:02Oh, you bloated, blobberhead.
05:07Why, I could get hit by a truck and look better than you do.
05:11Not if I was driving a truck.
05:15Oh, I've never been so insulted since last week.
05:19Come, Kenneth.
05:21Oh, Costello, you're always insulting people, fighting with them.
05:24I can't help it.
05:25Well, why don't you be like me, with dignity?
05:27I have poison personality.
05:29Yes, everybody says you've got a poison personality.
05:32Just a minute.
05:32Oh, I never looked at you, Mayor.
05:33Just a minute.
05:34As the Mayor of Sherman Oaks, I have to mingle with the people.
05:37For instance, yesterday, I christened a ship.
05:40Oh, what's so terrific about that?
05:41What do you mean?
05:41I'm supposed to christen an old oil tanker today,
05:44right after this program.
05:46Answer that.
05:47Hello, Costello speaking.
05:49Mr. Costello, this is the shipyard.
05:50Are you coming down here to christen the tanker today?
05:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:53I'll be there.
05:54Well, you better bring along another bottle of champagne.
06:01Looks like my tanker has turned into a letter.
06:10Costello, we've got to get busy and find a new leading lady for our picture.
06:14Come in.
06:15Pardon me, I'm looking for two gentlemen.
06:19Well, we're Abbott and Costello.
06:21Oh, yes, I'll keep on looking.
06:23Hey, just a minute, kid.
06:25Who might you be?
06:25I might be Hedy Lamar, but I'm not.
06:28We might be Abbott and Costello.
06:30And we are.
06:31We are, certainly.
06:33I understand you two boys is making our picture.
06:35How did you find that out?
06:36Bad news travels fast.
06:39Well, boys, how about the pot?
06:41I'm a leading lady type.
06:43Hey, Abbott, this name is so ugly.
06:45She looks like Mrs. Niles with a hangover.
06:49Take it easy, boy.
06:50But me looks is no problem.
06:52In my last picture, I was beautiful.
06:54They photographed me to a cheesecloth.
06:57They should have photographed the cheese.
07:00Just a minute, miss.
07:01I'd like to know who sent you over here.
07:03I'll have you to understand I'm a personal friend from Goldwyn.
07:07He thinks I'm a very fine actress.
07:09Goldwyn?
07:09Goldwyn.
07:10Goldwyn.
07:10Goldwyn.
07:10Hey, Abbott.
07:11What?
07:11If she's a friend of Goldwyn's, we'll have to give her a chance.
07:13You're right.
07:14You're right.
07:14Costello, go ahead, miss.
07:16Do something.
07:17Well, I'll do for you a little poem I'm using only for auditions.
07:20This is a shorty.
07:20It goes like this.
07:26My mother sent me to the store to buy a sour pickle.
07:30The man gave me a pickle and I handed him a penny.
07:33What kind of poem is that?
07:36It don't rhyme.
07:37When the guy gives you a pickle, you hand him a nickel.
07:40Nickel, pickle.
07:41Pickle, nickel.
07:42That rhymes.
07:43I should pay a nickel for a pickle just to make it rhyme.
07:50Uh, look here, miss.
07:51Are you sure Sam Goldwyn sent you over here?
07:54What Sam Goldwyn?
07:56Max Goldwyn's on the second.
07:57Max!
07:57Get out of here!
07:59Get out!
08:00Get out!
08:05Max Goldwyn.
08:06Hmm, hmm.
08:07Hey, listen, Abbott.
08:08Now, what kind of dames are we going to be getting in our picture?
08:09Well, now, don't get excited, Costello.
08:11I've already talked to Dorothy L'Amour,
08:13and she's going to come over and discuss the part of our leading lady.
08:16Dorothy L'Amour?
08:17Yes.
08:17Boy, oh boy.
08:19I can hardly wait till she gets here.
08:20You know, I feel like kissing her again.
08:22Again?
08:23Did you ever kiss Dorothy L'Amour?
08:24No, but once before I felt like it.
08:28Boy, am I going to have fun being Dorothy L'Amour's leading man.
08:32Well, for your information, Costello,
08:34I am going to be Miss L'Amour's leading man.
08:36But you have a part, too.
08:38You're going to be the stuntman.
08:39Stuntman?
08:39Not me, Abbott.
08:40I had an uncle who was a stuntman.
08:41He used to take his right hand and stick it in a lion's mouth.
08:44Really?
08:45What's your uncle's name?
08:46Now we call him Lefty.
08:47Lefty.
08:49Costello?
08:52Costello, you love the part of a stuntman.
08:55You'll be all through the picture with Dorothy L'Amour.
08:57Now, in the opening scene, Dorothy is kidnapped by a desert sheep.
09:01He rides away with her on his horse.
09:03Look!
09:03Look!
09:03There he goes!
09:04Which way?
09:05What's the difference which way?
09:06I've got to know where to look!
09:08Quiet!
09:09Look, look!
09:10There he goes!
09:10There he goes!
09:11Quiet!
09:12Quiet!
09:12Listen, we have no time to lose.
09:13We must chase after the kidnapper.
09:15You jump on your horse.
09:16I jump on my horse.
09:16As you land on the saddle, your grip is short.
09:18Yeah.
09:19Your face is stirring.
09:20My face is stirring.
09:20Your clutch is strong.
09:21How's my transmission?
09:22Okay.
09:23Ah, never mind.
09:24Your horse creeps forward.
09:25Yeah.
09:25And you give him the bit.
09:27I give him a bit?
09:27Yes.
09:28I give him a what?
09:29You give the horse a bit in his mouth.
09:31What kind of talk is that?
09:33Give him a bit in the mouth.
09:34You mean I give him a bite in the mouth.
09:36No, no, no.
09:37Now, tell her.
09:38You dig in the spurs.
09:39Your horse creeps forward.
09:40You soar through space.
09:42Soar where?
09:43Soars on the horse.
09:44You can say that again.
09:46Finally, we head off the kidnapper.
09:48And we must throw myself in front of the kidnapper's horse.
09:51That's where you come in.
09:52What do you mean?
09:53Well, you're the stuntman.
09:55Now, to rescue Dorothy Lamore,
09:57you take my place
09:58and stop the runaway horse
10:00with your manly chest.
10:01I ain't stopping my horse
10:02with my beautiful body.
10:03No.
10:03Listen at it.
10:04How much money do I get
10:05in this picture for risking my life?
10:06What do you care about the money?
10:08It's the experience you need.
10:09Oh, so it's the experience I need.
10:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:12Yes, yes, yes.
10:13Now, the horse is running madly towards you.
10:15He's cropping at the mouth.
10:16You jump in front of him
10:17and grab him by the mane.
10:19By the mane what?
10:19No, the mane.
10:20The mane.
10:21The horse's neck.
10:22Horse's neck?
10:23Yeah.
10:23But I'm neck.
10:23What do I care if they're like the wrong man?
10:25Oh, quiet.
10:26A horse.
10:26Just a minute.
10:27They've got to go without horses.
10:28Wait a minute.
10:29Let me finish it.
10:29Where do you think we got little horses from?
10:31Never mind that.
10:31I think it's got a...
10:32All right, all right, all right.
10:34There's a fierce struggle
10:35and the horse drags you for a hundred yards
10:37trying to throw you.
10:38Your head is bouncing over the ruts in the road.
10:41Boy, am I in a groove.
10:42But you hang on.
10:44I hang on.
10:44You don't mind the ruts.
10:46No, I've been in a rut for years.
10:48At last, the horse stumbles over you,
10:50throws you to the ground with a terrific force
10:52and comes to a stop.
10:54Where am I?
10:55Under the horse.
10:56That's the horse on me.
10:57And then with a sigh...
10:59Now, wait a second.
10:59How much money did you say I was going to get for this?
11:01I said forget the money.
11:02It's the experience you need.
11:04Oh, yeah, I forgot.
11:05It's the experience that I need.
11:06That's right.
11:07Now, let me continue.
11:08And then with a sigh of gratitude,
11:09Dorothy Lamore slips off the horse
11:11into her hero's arms.
11:13Gee.
11:14Into my arms?
11:15What?
11:15Wait a minute.
11:16What do you mean your arms?
11:17I'm the hero.
11:19And I bend down and I kiss Miss Lamore kind of it.
11:22What's the big idea of it?
11:23I mean, I saved her.
11:24Why can't I kiss her?
11:25But Costello, you're not being paid to kiss Dorothy Lamore.
11:28What do I care about money?
11:30It's the experience, Costello.
11:31Get out of here!
11:32Hey, Evan, there's somebody riding into the studio on a horse.
11:42Whoa, crooner!
11:49Costello, look who it is.
11:50It's Dorothy Lamore.
11:51Well, hello, fellas.
12:00Sorry I'm late.
12:00Dorothy, what took you so long to get here?
12:02Well, I rode over on one of Crosby's horses.
12:05Dorothy.
12:06Dorothy, you look beautiful tonight.
12:08You know, I've always been one of your picture fans.
12:10And I...
12:10Thank you, Bud, and I've always been one of your radio fans.
12:13And I, I...
12:13Now that I've met you, I'll be one of your personal fans.
12:16Yes, and I...
12:17Now that I've met you, Bud, I'll be one of your picture fans.
12:20If you do, don't stop fanning each other, I'm gonna get pneumonia.
12:24I was one of your fans.
12:26You're one of my fans.
12:27Why don't the two of you go with Sally Randers?
12:29All right, all right, never mind.
12:30No remark.
12:31I'm not a fan, and I'm so wrong.
12:33But who in the world is this overstuffed grub worm?
12:36Grub worm?
12:37Now listen here, Dorothy.
12:40I became a star before you were born.
12:42Really?
12:43Really.
12:44And I didn't have to dress up in a torn shower curtain and do it either.
12:50Now, now, Costello.
12:52That's no...
12:53That's no way to talk about Dorothy L'Amour's sarong.
13:00Why, that sarong has earned a lot of money for Dorothy.
13:03Yes, I can see it runs into a nice figure.
13:05Yeah.
13:07Quiet, Costello.
13:09Dorothy, I invited you over here because I'd like you to be the leading lady in our next picture.
13:13Well, I haven't finished the picture I'm making now with Bing Hope and Bob Crosby.
13:18Bing Hope and Bob Crosby?
13:20Read it right, kid.
13:21What kind of talk is that?
13:23Sounds like Abbott's pit in the mouth.
13:26Well, you know why I mean, Hope and Crosby.
13:28Oh, those guys.
13:29Why, they're just a couple of golfers, ain't they?
13:33Don't be a caddy.
13:37Bob and Bing are very good friends of mine.
13:40Matter of fact, I call them Gabby and Flabby.
13:42Hey, you know, that sounds like us.
13:46I'm Gabby.
13:47And I'm Flap Flap.
13:50Well, so I'm low man again.
13:53Shut up, Costello.
13:54Listen, Dorothy.
13:55What's the name of the picture you're making with Hope and Crosby?
13:57Well, it's another road film.
13:59It's called Road to Utopia.
14:00The Road to what, Hopia?
14:03Utopia.
14:03It's a place where nobody works.
14:05The moon is always shining and the people just sit out under the stars and make love.
14:10That's Utopia.
14:11That ain't Utopia.
14:12That's Griffith Park.
14:20Listen, Donnie.
14:25Donnie, I'm sure you'd like our picture.
14:28Well, I think so too, you know.
14:29I'm going to play the part of a jitterbug in a post office.
14:31That's silly.
14:32What would a jitterbug be doing in a post office?
14:34I'm standing at the stamp window getting in some hot licks.
14:39Some joke, eh, Donnie?
14:41When it comes to jokes, we got a hundred percent moron to this program.
14:44Yeah, and you're the hundred percent moron.
14:47You see, Abbott, I told you I was a moron and you wouldn't believe me.
14:49Moron, it's a high class jerk or something.
14:53All right, all right, all right.
14:55Pay no attention to them, Donnie.
14:56In this picture, you and I are going to do a love scene.
15:00My name is Abe and your name is Anna.
15:02I see.
15:03You're Abe and I'm Anna.
15:04Yes, we have a little fight and we split up.
15:07What a picture.
15:08Abe, banana split.
15:12Now, now, now, stop that, Costello.
15:14Get out the strip of our picture and let's run through the desert scene with Miss Lamour.
15:18Okay, Abbott, here it is.
15:19Now, in this scene, Dottie, you're an Arabian princess, Ben Alley.
15:22And I'm your cousin, Bowling Alley.
15:25You're Bowling Alley?
15:26Yes.
15:26If she's going to wear a sarong, I want to be her pin boy.
15:29Boy, will I get stuck.
15:36You know, Costello, I think you'd make a wonderful pin boy.
15:40You do?
15:40Yes, you've got just the head for it.
15:44Well, let's get back to the scene.
15:45Now, come on.
15:46What part do I play, Costello?
15:48You play the part of an Arabian civilian.
15:50An Arabian civilian?
15:52Wait a minute.
15:53An Arabian civilian?
15:55What's my name?
15:56Hassan Ben Draftat.
15:58Hassan?
15:59What did you say?
16:02Hassan Ben Draftat?
16:03Yet.
16:03Yet.
16:04Oh, oh.
16:04All right.
16:05So much for the part.
16:06Now, let's try it out.
16:07Ken, you set the scene.
16:08Ready?
16:09Music.
16:16Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a soggy, sagging saga of the Sahara starring Dorothy
16:21Lamour and Abbot and Costello.
16:22The story is entitled, Two Dirty Bedouins, or It's Time to Change the Sheik.
16:27As the scene opens, we see two foot-sore and weary Arabs trudging across the desert.
16:34They are approaching the small town of blemish on the chin.
16:37Curtain?
16:38We must hurry, Costello.
16:42The lovely...
16:42That's your line.
16:43Sure.
16:45Oh, boy, oh, boy, Abbott.
16:47I can't take another step.
16:48This sand is terrible.
16:49And it was my line, too.
16:50Yeah.
16:51We must hurry, Costello.
16:53The lovely Princess Benelli is being held captive by that wicked sultan, Atfe Ali Bey.
16:58That Atfe Ali Bey has certainly gone the pot.
17:03Shh.
17:03Quiet.
17:04We're approaching the sultan's tent.
17:06Help!
17:07Help!
17:08Save me!
17:09Save me!
17:09Costello, that's the voice of the princess.
17:11It's coming from this tent here.
17:13Hello in there!
17:14Did you bust the tube or something?
17:16Hello!
17:18Hello in there!
17:21It's me!
17:22Princess me!
17:23Your friend!
17:24Your friend, the Riff!
17:25Hello, Riff!
17:26What do you hear from Raff?
17:28Oh, things are pretty rough with the Riff.
17:31Riff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.
17:32All right, all right, all right.
17:34Quiet.
17:35Please, please.
17:36Wake up, everyone.
17:37It's dark in this tent, Princess.
17:38I can hardly see you.
17:40There she is, Abbott.
17:41Boy, she sure has gotten skinny.
17:43You're looking at the tent pose, stupid.
17:46I'm the one over here with the turban on my head.
17:49My.
17:50My, but that's a pretty turban.
17:51Yes, it was designed by Diana.
17:53How do you like that?
17:54The new Diana turban.
17:56Come, Princess.
18:00We will help you escape from the wicked, Salton.
18:03Yes, I've been in this tent so long, I'm getting flap-happy.
18:06Shh.
18:07Shh.
18:07Quiet.
18:08Someone's coming.
18:09Listen.
18:09The world will always welcome lovers as time goes by.
18:16Hey, who was that?
18:17That's Humphrey Bogart.
18:18He's walking back from Casablanca.
18:20Oh, please, you must get me out of here.
18:29The Salton is going to sell me as a slave.
18:31Don't worry, Princess.
18:32We will help you get out, escape.
18:34But it's...
18:35But it's 500 miles across the desert.
18:40Do you have a car?
18:41Nope.
18:41Do you have a jeep?
18:42Nope.
18:42Well, do you have horses?
18:43Nope.
18:43But I got a wagon.
18:45But who's going to pull the wagon?
18:47My little Pekingese dog.
18:49How can a little Pekingese dog pull the three of us in a big wagon?
18:52We've got whips.
18:53And before we go, Dorothy, I will give you the kiss that made me famous.
19:01The kiss of fire.
19:03Like this.
19:06You ain't kidding, are you?
19:11That's what I...
19:12Don't pay me this week.
19:16That's what I call fire.
19:18You better throw on some more coal.
19:20Hey, it's the Salton at Faye Elly Bay.
19:27Oh, I catch your red-hander trying to steal the beautiful princess.
19:31Aha, aha, aha, aha.
19:34Oh, a double feature.
19:36Hey, Evan, when I give you the ignal, say, I'll stay the night's lane.
19:41All right.
19:41You got it?
19:42All right, come on, Costello.
19:42Put out the light.
19:43I've got the salt, the horse.
19:44I've got the salt, the horse.
19:45Let's go.
19:46Okay, okay, okay.
19:47Hey, we did it, Costello.
19:49Oh, we escaped from the Sultans.
19:51Wait a minute.
19:52We have to go back.
19:53I forgot the princess.
19:54Oh, you dummy, I've got it right here in my arm.
19:57Look, she's fainted.
19:58She may be dying of it.
20:00Oh, princess, a beautiful princess.
20:02Lift your veil and speak to me.
20:05Of course.
20:05Don't upset me.
20:06Oh, they think I'm a fine actor.
20:08Yeah, I'm a fine actor.
20:09Yeah.
20:15Uh, no, folks, we're a little late, so I'll just say good night and God bless you all.
20:19Be sure and tune in next week for another great evident, Costello show with our special guest,
20:32Mr. Sidney Greenstreet.
20:34Remember, camel cigarettes are packed to go around the world.
20:38Camels stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world.
20:43This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Harvard.
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