- 5 months ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00The Abbott and Costello Program
00:11Listen to the music of Freddie Rage and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes.
00:17Tonight's guest and famous columnist is Hedda Hopper, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:30Oh, there you are, Costello.
00:37Oh, boy, Abbott, boy, something terrible just happened.
00:40What happened?
00:40Here, read this telegram.
00:41Now, let's see it.
00:42It says, uh, your uncle's will has just been read, and you have inherited three million dollars.
00:48Why, Costello, that's great.
00:50What are you crying about, though?
00:51It ain't my telegram.
00:52I found it on the street.
00:55And I'm mad, too.
00:57All right, now, that's ridiculous.
00:58Now, listen, as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I've called a meeting at City Hall tonight to decide that we've decided to publish a paper.
01:05Yeah, we need new ideas, though.
01:06Oh, well, Abbott, I've got an idea for your newspaper that'll stand people on their heads.
01:09What's your idea?
01:10Print your paper upside down.
01:13That was a funny joke.
01:15All right, never mind.
01:16We don't want those kind of jokes.
01:17Just talk sense, please.
01:18Okay, I'll talk sense.
01:19Now, look, Abbott, when do you want me to take charge of the paper?
01:21What do you know about the newspaper business?
01:23I wrote a four-page article in the Examiner this morning on fresh milk.
01:27Here, look at it.
01:28Four pages on milk.
01:29Four pages on milk.
01:30I only see two lines.
01:32The editor condensed it.
01:33Okay, condensed it.
01:34I didn't have much.
01:36It was all just skimmed news.
01:38Skimmed?
01:38All right, Costello.
01:39You don't know anything about news.
01:41Hold on.
01:42Did you know that the Joneses who live across the street from you had a fight last night,
01:45and Mr. Jones left the house for good?
01:47Are you sure that he left her for good?
01:49I'm positive.
01:50He even erased his ring from the bathtub.
01:52Oh, Costello, that's not the kind of news we want.
01:56We want stories about important people.
01:58Celebrity.
01:59Bob, then I'm your man, Abbott.
02:00I'm the kid you're looking for.
02:01Now you're talking.
02:02Did you know that Aunt Sheridan lives right next door to me?
02:04She does?
02:05Yes.
02:06And did you know that every morning she sings in the shower?
02:09Costello, that's news!
02:11You said it, and that's not all.
02:13Not all?
02:14No.
02:15This morning, when she was singing in the shower...
02:17Yes?
02:18...I sneaked out my back door...
02:20Yes, yes.
02:21...I tiptoed over close to her house...
02:24Yes, yes.
02:25Brother, can she sing?
02:26Call.
02:27Oh, thank you.
02:35Costello, will you please be serious?
02:38Oh, here's Ken Niles.
02:40Ah, good evening, Costello.
02:41Hello, Mayor Abbott.
02:43Say, Bud, I understand you're going to start a newspaper...
02:45...and I'd like to write a daily column on household pets.
02:48I know all about animals.
02:50I'll see you, too.
02:50Look at that old horse you married.
02:52Now, stop that.
02:53I think Ken is just the man to give advice on the care of pets.
02:56Oh, yeah?
02:57He gave me a fleek cure for my dog.
03:00Now I can't find the dog.
03:01Look, all I told you to do was rub the dog down with alcohol.
03:05I did that!
03:07The fleas got drunk and dragged the dog away.
03:10Now I'll never see my little girdle again.
03:14Girdle?
03:14Girdle.
03:15How did you happen to name your dog Girdle?
03:17Because we keep him tied up all day...
03:19...and then let him out at night.
03:20And another thing, Bud.
03:24Your newspaper will need a woman's touch.
03:27You know, my lovely wife is a regular news hawk.
03:30With that beak, she looks more like a pelican.
03:33She looks more like a pelican.
03:35Oh, I heard that remark, you fat food filcher.
03:39I said it for you to hear.
03:41That's how we bring you in each week.
03:43Oh, so you don't like my face, eh?
03:49Do you want to make something out of it?
03:51Do I want to make something out of it?
03:54If I was an Indian, I'd make a totem pole out of it.
03:56Now, Costello...
03:57And I would make you low man!
03:59Aye, Costello, please.
04:00Mrs. Niles may be very valuable on our newspaper.
04:03Oh, she may be.
04:04This is somebody's line, and it's mine.
04:06Thank you, I mean...
04:06Go ahead, go ahead.
04:07Now, come on.
04:08Yes, sir.
04:08Be a nice boy.
04:09You could put her picture in a weather column.
04:11The weather column?
04:11Wait a minute, Costello.
04:13What would my wife's picture be doing in the weather column?
04:15After looking at her face, nine days of rain would be a pleasure.
04:20Including electrical storms.
04:22All right, all right, yes, yes.
04:23With thunder.
04:24All right, all right, all right.
04:25Blue!
04:25All right, never mind that.
04:27Forget about it.
04:27All right, all right.
04:28Blue, blue, blue.
04:28You don't.
04:29Quiet.
04:30Those pleasure nights...
04:31Quiet, Costello.
04:32Just a minute now.
04:32It's a puss on that chair.
04:33Now, wait a minute.
04:35If Mrs. Niles will accept, I'm going to make her the fashion editor of the woman's page.
04:39Ah, you've made a wise choice, Mr. Rabbit.
04:42Just look at her.
04:43Doesn't she dress beautifully?
04:44Oh, Kenneth.
04:45Oh, Mr. Rabbit, this is just an old thing that I wear to peel potatoes.
04:50Looks like the old thing the potatoes came in.
04:53Oh.
04:54Oh, nothing.
04:55Maybe if you took out some of the potatoes, you wouldn't look so lumpy.
04:58Oh, I like that one.
05:02Take it easy.
05:03You should talk.
05:05You.
05:07You.
05:08You.
05:09Yes, I should talk.
05:11Continue.
05:12You bargain basement blubberhead.
05:14What's the matter?
05:15Don't you like the suit I'm wearing?
05:16You call that a suit, huh?
05:17Mm-hmm.
05:17It looks like a mistake with sleeves.
05:21I'll say, just look at him.
05:23The drape in his coat doesn't even cover the droop in his pants.
05:27Oh, darling.
05:30You certainly dusted him off.
05:32Oh, no, sweetheart.
05:33You're the one that dusted him off.
05:35Oh, my footsie, you really dusted him off.
05:38If Fibber McGee is listening, I'll trade him two old dust mops for a can of wax.
05:45Oh.
05:49Come, come.
05:52Costello, you've got to stop insulting people.
05:54You'll never make a newspaper man.
05:56Abbott, I'll be the best reporter you ever saw.
05:57I've got some hot news right now.
05:59Yes?
05:59What is it?
06:00I just saw Shirley Temple in the drugstore eating a sundae.
06:02You call that hot news?
06:03Certainly.
06:04It was a hot, hot Sunday.
06:05Oh, trouble.
06:06Don't be silly.
06:07I want headline news.
06:09News of worldwide importance.
06:10Well, why don't you say so?
06:11Hand me that telephone.
06:12What are you going to do?
06:13Hello, operator.
06:14Give me Adolf Hitler in Berlin.
06:16Adolf Hitler?
06:17Yes.
06:17He gives me all the news.
06:18No.
06:19Yes.
06:20Hello, what is it going on?
06:21Where are you going on?
06:22Come to the air.
06:23Hello, Adolf.
06:24What's new?
06:25Is that so?
06:47Costello.
06:48Come here.
06:50What did Hitler say?
06:53What are you asking me for?
06:54Even the Germans can't understand him.
07:03Hello, Sherman Oaks Gazette.
07:05Reporter Costello speaking.
07:06Costello, this is the editor of the Hollywood Evening Sun.
07:09Since you started your newspaper, the circulation of the Evening Sun is going down and down and down.
07:14What about it?
07:15I hate to say.
07:17The Evening Sun goes out.
07:19What if you're friends?
07:22That cross, we should stick to a scout.
07:25What happened to us?
07:28Are you ready to go to press?
07:30Oh, yes.
07:31Today I'll press you first.
07:32Oh, don't you press me so tight.
07:35All right, then.
07:36You press me.
07:38Now I'll press you.
07:39Now you press me.
07:42Now I'll press you again.
07:44Costello.
07:44Costello.
07:45This is a newspaper office.
07:47What are you doing?
07:48Oh, I'm just trying to see if the presses are working.
07:51I'm telling you for the last time, Costello.
07:53You've got to stop wasting time around the office.
07:55From now on, you're going to be our police reporter.
07:57Police reporter?
07:58Yes.
07:58Now let me explain your duties.
08:00Now let's suppose you're standing on the corner of First Main Street.
08:03It's three o'clock in the morning.
08:04Am I with a beautiful girl?
08:05Certainly not.
08:06Well, then what am I doing out so late?
08:09You're a police reporter.
08:10And you're on duty.
08:12Suddenly a car whizzes around the corner.
08:14A girl leaps out and yells, help, help, I'm being kidnapped.
08:17Oh, boy.
08:18Kidnappers.
08:18That's my meat.
08:19Ah, you've got to go after them.
08:21Oh, good.
08:22That's my meat.
08:22Oh, there's going to be shooting, murder, and bloodshed.
08:25Oh, boy.
08:26That's my...
08:27I'm a vegetarian.
08:29Never mind that.
08:30You must tear after the kidnappers.
08:32Where's your car?
08:33Standing over the upper body curve.
08:34Oh.
08:34Oh.
08:35New car, old top.
08:37No.
08:37Old car.
08:38New top.
08:38Oh.
08:39Quiet.
08:40Quickly, you jump into your car.
08:42And you stop the motor.
08:43Wait a minute, Abbott.
08:43First, I've got to put on a new pair of pants.
08:45New pants?
08:45For what?
08:46The guy that sold me the car said I had to put on new seat covers.
08:48Oh, no.
08:49You go tearing after...
08:50I didn't get that one either.
08:51Never mind.
08:51I don't like it either.
08:52Just keep quiet.
08:53You go tearing after the kidnappers.
08:55There they are.
08:56They're gaining on them.
08:57They're gaining on each other.
08:58You're in right back of them.
08:59Then what do you do?
09:00I stop.
09:01Why did you stop?
09:02I'm out of gas.
09:02All right.
09:03You're out of gas.
09:04Quick.
09:05You pull into that filling station and tell the man you want Ethel.
09:08Suppose it's her day off.
09:09Will you...
09:10Yes.
09:11Will you stop that?
09:12Just tell the man to put Ethel in your car.
09:15Why should he put Ethel in my car?
09:17I don't even know the girl.
09:19Look, Costello.
09:19All I want you to do is to get tanked up with Ethel.
09:23Tanked up with Ethel?
09:24Yeah.
09:25I never even touch the stuff.
09:28Oh, forget it.
09:28You get your gas.
09:30And away you go again.
09:31Suddenly you see the gangsta's car.
09:33You pull up alongside of them and put on your handbrake.
09:36Put on what?
09:37What do you put on in case of an emergency?
09:39My bathrobe.
09:39Oh, come on.
09:42Forget your bathrobe.
09:43You crawl out on your running board.
09:45Without my bathrobe?
09:46Yes, without your bathrobe.
09:48And jump over to the other car while it is going 90 miles an hour.
09:53Whoops.
09:53What happened?
09:54You slip.
09:55You're hanging on by your hair.
09:56Which hair?
09:57What's the difference with hair?
09:59Some of them are falling out.
10:01All right.
10:01Never mind your hair.
10:02Rich nose.
10:03Never mind that.
10:04You climb into the kidnapper's car.
10:06You knock them right.
10:07You knock them left.
10:08Yeah.
10:08You take the girl in your arms.
10:09Good.
10:10She looks up at you tenderly.
10:11Yes.
10:11Her eyes are flutter.
10:13Yes.
10:13She says.
10:14Yes.
10:14Good evening, everybody.
10:15This is Hedda Hopper.
10:23Hello, boys.
10:23What's cooking?
10:24A couple of hands.
10:26Hey, Evan.
10:27Get this name out of here.
10:28Now, come on.
10:29Tell me some more about the girl that I'm saving.
10:31Quiet, Costello.
10:32This lady really is Hedda Hopper, the famous columnist.
10:36Don't you know Hedda Hopper?
10:37Don't I know Hedda Hopper?
10:38I know her whole family.
10:39You do?
10:39I went to school with her brother, Hippity.
10:41Hippity?
10:42Yeah.
10:42Hippity Hopper.
10:43Oh.
10:44And her sister works at a drive-in.
10:46Car Hopper.
10:47Oh, shut up.
10:48She's got a knuckle that's a waiter.
10:50Table Hopper.
10:51Oh.
10:52I met her husband.
10:54Grass.
10:54Grass Hopper.
10:55All right.
10:56Oh, yeah.
10:56Grass Hopper.
10:58Pay no attention to him, Hedda.
11:00You know, Hedda, really, you look very charming tonight.
11:03Oh, thank you, bud.
11:04And you're as handsome as you are tall.
11:06Hey, what about me?
11:08Well, you're as handsome as you're tall, Shorty.
11:12Shorty?
11:12Don't talk to me like that, Hopper, or I'll bust your vacuum cleaner.
11:17Now, what would I be doing with a vacuum cleaner?
11:19Where else could you get all that dirt?
11:24Ah, don't talk like that, Costello.
11:25Or Miss Hopper will never put you in her column.
11:27Well, she don't have to.
11:28I'll give her my own news.
11:30Hey, Hedda, did you know that Hoosers who was out with Wattsers over at, you know, Hoos,
11:34and they said so-and-so about, uh, whatchamacallit?
11:36You know, I heard about that.
11:38You did?
11:39Yes, but this is the first time I ever got the details.
11:42Hedda, I invited you over here tonight to offer you a job of gossip columnist on our new paper,
11:49the Sherman Oaks Gazette.
11:50Oh, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
11:51I'd be so happy to help you out.
11:53I know everything that's going on in Hollywood, New York, Chicago, Philadelphia, Boston.
11:58Nosey old dame, ain't she?
12:01Costello gossip is Miss Hopper's business.
12:03I know all about her business.
12:05She peeks through keyholes.
12:07Costello, I do not peek through keyholes.
12:09Then how come you're only bloodshot in one of your eyes?
12:13Now, be careful what you say, Costello.
12:17I am.
12:17I ain't going to give her a chance to talk about me.
12:20I don't think.
12:21Where am I?
12:22I see my place.
12:24Okay.
12:24Okay.
12:25Okay.
12:26I got it.
12:27Now, listen here, rabbit.
12:29If Hedda Hopper goes out to work in a Sherman Oaks Gazette, I quiet.
12:33I quit.
12:34That's better.
12:36I should make a bigger print.
12:37You can't see.
12:38She's got to prove to me that she can write a gossip column.
12:40Costello, Hedda has wonderful contacts.
12:43She has a host of friends.
12:45That's right.
12:46I know Cary Grant from the RKO lot, Hedda Lamar from the Metro lot, Bing Crosby from
12:50the Paramount lot.
12:52Yes, but do you know Cock-Eyed Louie?
12:54Where's he from?
12:55From the parking lot.
12:57Oh, Costello, shut up.
13:03Hello, Sherman Oaks Gazette.
13:04Luke Costello speaking.
13:05What's that?
13:06You're in trouble again?
13:07No, I'm not going to help you anymore.
13:09You're always getting in jams, and I'm always getting you out.
13:11This is the end.
13:13I'm not getting you out of any more trouble.
13:15Goodbye.
13:16Costello, who was that?
13:17Dick Tracy.
13:21He's having a lot of trouble lately with Flattop.
13:23All right, quiet.
13:24Did you get any advertising today for our paper?
13:26Yes, I just got a classified ad.
13:28What does it say?
13:29Rented.
13:30Rented?
13:31Rented.
13:32That late.
13:32Let it alone.
13:32Wait a minute.
13:33Didn't you get any advertising?
13:35Yeah, here it is right here.
13:36What is it?
13:36Man with income, tax blank.
13:38Would like to meet lady with income.
13:40Oh.
13:42Costello, do you realize that the first edition of the Gazette goes to press at midnight,
13:45and we haven't got a big front page story yet?
13:48Where's the editor of this paper?
13:50I've got to see him.
13:50I've got a great story.
13:52Take it easy, pal.
13:52What's the yarn?
13:53I've just become the father of triplets.
13:55Hey, would you mind repeating that?
13:57Not if I can help it.
14:01Costello, we're wasting time.
14:02I've got to have a story.
14:04I'll tell you a story, Abbott.
14:05What?
14:05There was a traveling sales.
14:06Hey, I like...
14:07No, not that story.
14:09That's clean.
14:10Never mind.
14:11Good evening, boys.
14:12Oh, it's Hedda Hopper.
14:13Are you ready to go to press?
14:15Yes.
14:15Come on, Hedda.
14:16First, I'll press you.
14:18Come on.
14:18Now, you press me.
14:20No, no, no.
14:21Costello, you can't do that to Miss Hopper.
14:22Now, you keep out of this.
14:23I belong to the press club.
14:25Oh.
14:27Come on, Hedda.
14:28Let's test those presses again.
14:30Boy, you sure can be happy with your nest egg.
14:33What nest egg?
14:34Don't tell me that thing on your head is a hat.
14:37Now, Costello...
14:38What time do you feed it?
14:39Just a minute.
14:41Don't make fun...
14:42Don't make fun of Miss Hopper's hat.
14:45She's famous for her hats.
14:47Oh, this hat I'm wearing, I got at Saks Fifth Avenue.
14:49At $50, it's a good buy.
14:51Yes.
14:52Good buy, $50.
14:53Yeah.
14:53What time do you expect it to go south?
14:57Now, look.
15:01Look, you two, I hate to interrupt, but our newspaper goes to press in two hours and we
15:05still haven't got a big front page story.
15:07Oh, that reminds me.
15:09I can tell you how to get a great story.
15:11My dear friend, the Duchess of Crappingham, has just arrived in Hollywood and she's having
15:15a big housewarming tonight.
15:17The whole blue book has been invited.
15:19Meet me there and I'll introduce you to the right people.
15:21But how are we going to get in?
15:22Well, aren't you in who's who?
15:23No, I'm in who's this.
15:27Well, you both join me at the Duchess of Crappinghams and I'm sure you'll get a story.
15:31I'll see you later, boys.
15:44Well, here we are, Costello.
15:46The Duchess of Crappinghams.
15:48Now, remember, mind your manners.
15:50When they pass the food, say I'm not hungry.
15:52When they pass the drinks, say I'm not thirsty.
15:54Okay, but when they pass the girls, I'm going to ad-lib.
15:58Now, quiet now.
15:59Now, be careful how you act, Costello.
16:01We must get a story for our paper from the Duchess.
16:03Now, let's go on in.
16:04Okay.
16:07Boy, boy.
16:09Hey, Adam, this is some party.
16:11Yes, it's very classy.
16:14Look, here's the butler announcing the guests.
16:16Please, listen.
16:17Presenting.
16:19Lord and Lady Fotheringay from Stratford-on-the-Avon.
16:23The Duke of Lackenbridge from Terrington-on-the-Themps.
16:27Luke Costello from Dribbling-on-the-Biff.
16:29Shake on the chin and gravy on the vest.
16:37Sloppy, ain't I?
16:38Oh, shut up, Costello.
16:40Gentlemen, may I have your cards, please?
16:44Thank you, Bart Ebbott, mayor of Sherman Oaks.
16:48And here's my card.
16:49What service is a baseball with nothing on it?
16:51That's me.
16:52Nothing on the ball.
16:55I'm sorry, gentlemen.
16:56You have no invitation.
16:57I cannot admit you.
16:58Wait a minute.
16:59There's Hedda Hopper over there.
17:01She knows us.
17:03Hey, Hedda!
17:07Tell this flunky who we are.
17:10Uh, Heath Clip?
17:11Yes, madam.
17:12I don't even know these bums.
17:15Bums?
17:16I come from society.
17:18I beg your pardon, Miss Hopper,
17:20but I rub shoulders with Mrs. Van Vanderbilt,
17:23and I rub shoulders with Mrs. Oster,
17:25and I rub shoulders with Mrs. Whitney.
17:28You rub shoulders with them?
17:30Yes, and when my back stopped itching, I walked away.
17:35Heathcliff?
17:36Heathcliff.
17:37What a name.
17:38Heathcliff.
17:39Oh, Heathcliff.
17:41Rebecca!
17:43That's from Withering Tights.
17:48A Heathcliff.
17:50Heard you the first time.
17:53Throw those two bums out.
17:55It will be a pleasure, madam.
17:57Oh, have it.
17:57I think my leg's broken.
18:07When I bite it, I can't feel anything.
18:10You're biting my leg.
18:11I wondered why there wasn't any meat on it.
18:15Oh, boys, boys, come on over here.
18:18Hey, it's Hedda Hopper.
18:19Hedda, what happened?
18:20Come in through this side door.
18:21I couldn't let you in the front way without an invitation.
18:24Now, come with me, and I'll introduce you to the Earl of Buckingham,
18:27the Earl of Brittenham, and the Earl of Cunningham.
18:30That's a lot of Earl.
18:31That's a lot of ham.
18:32Why, Miss Hopper, this place is certainly furnished beautifully.
18:37Oh, everything comes from England.
18:38All this furniture's covered with mohair.
18:41The sofas are covered with mohair.
18:42The chairs, everything's covered with mohair.
18:45It's a wonder mohair's got any hair left.
18:50He's got more hair than you have, Abbott.
18:52All right, quiet.
18:53That chair over there looks better dressed than us.
18:56Oh, hey, look.
18:57Heather, we've got to get a story.
18:58Where's the duchess?
18:59There she is, talking to some friends in the trophy room.
19:02Hey, Abbott, look at that big stuffed moose head by the fireplace.
19:07Shh, that's the duchess.
19:10Shh, her antlers fooled me.
19:12Oh, now, come along, and I'll introduce you.
19:16Oh, duchess, may I present Abbott and Costello of the Sherman Oaks Gazette?
19:20Oh, how do you do?
19:23Look out, Abbott!
19:24She's seasick!
19:30She must have had a rough trip coming over here from Pinball on the Tilt.
19:35Hello, duchessie.
19:36Listen, I've got to get a story.
19:38I'm going to press.
19:38Going to press?
19:39Oh, I love that.
19:40When you press me, I'll press you.
19:42When you press me...
19:42Here we go again, Abbott!
19:44Cut it out, Costello.
19:45Get the story.
19:46Oh, I think journalism is too divine.
19:49It's too, too, divine.
19:51It's too, too, too, too, divine.
19:53Yes, it's too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too.
19:57Praying, leaving on track five.
20:00Woo!
20:02Woo!
20:03Woo-woo!
20:04And now let the duchess tell you...
20:06And now let the duchess tell you her story.
20:16Yes.
20:16Mr.
20:18Mr. Costello, this party celebrates the anniversary of my debut.
20:22I, uh, I came out in 1912.
20:25On parole?
20:26Costello.
20:28And in honor of this occasion, I'm wearing the same gown.
20:31This is my coming-out dress.
20:33Oh, it is.
20:34If I had a shoehorn, I'd shove you back in again.
20:37Oh, what an insult.
20:39He's quick.
20:40Threw these bounders out.
20:41That will be a pleasure, madam.
20:42Come on now.
20:43I'll be here.
20:43Hey, get out.
20:44Cut it out.
20:45Cut it out.
20:50He can't do that to me.
20:52I'm going to tell that guy a thing or two.
20:56Are you back again?
20:57Yes, I'm back again.
20:58Now, look, I've thrown you out of here twice.
21:00The first time, I blackened your eyes and broke free of your ribs.
21:03That's right.
21:03And the second time, I knocked out your front teeth and fractured your skull and collarbells.
21:08That's right.
21:09Then what are you doing back here again?
21:11I just want to show you there's no hard feelings.
21:14Oh, come on, Costello.
21:16We've got to go to press.
21:17Not with you.
21:18You don't even appeal to me.
21:19Oh, get out of here.
21:20Well, Costello, don't forget our guest next week will be Blondie and Dagwood Bumstead.
21:30Oh, I know that Dagwood very well.
21:32He gets in a lot of trouble, don't he, Abbott?
21:33What do you mean?
21:34I went to grammar school with him.
21:36Once he came home with hives and the teacher threw him out.
21:39No, they can't throw you out of school for having hives.
21:42These hives had bees in them.
21:44Oh, quiet.
21:45Good night, folks.
21:46Good night.
21:47Good night.
21:50Good night.
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