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Fibber McGee and Molly was a long-running American radio comedy series starring real-life married couple Jim and Marian Jordan as the titular characters. The show, which ran from 1935 to 1959, was known for its running gags, most famously Fibber's hall closet, from which a cascade of objects would fall, and for its eccentric cast of supporting characters who visited the couple at their home at 79 Wistful Vista. It became one of the most popular shows of the 1940s, with tens of millions of listeners tuning in each week.
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00:00The Johnson's Wax Program with Fibber McGee and Molly.
00:11The makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Self-Polishing Glove Coats
00:15present Fibber McGee and Molly
00:16with Bill Thompson, Gail Gordon, Arthur Q. Bryan,
00:19Dick Legrand, and me, Harlow Wilcox.
00:21The script is by Don Quinn and Phil Leslie.
00:23Music by the Kingsman and Billy Mills Orchestra.
00:30Due to an error made by a late-for-a-date stenographer
00:47in typing out the governor's annual proclamation,
00:51today is Thanksgiving in Wistful Vista.
00:54But the squire of number 79 is in no mood for it.
00:58He just got his tax bill.
01:00And he thinks this is a day for vultures, not turkeys.
01:04Listen to him as we meet Fibber McGee and Molly.
01:13Why, look at this tax bill, will ya?
01:15A hundred and twenty-four bucks and sixty-eight cents taxes
01:18on real estate and property we already own.
01:21Is that robbery or ain't it?
01:22It ain't.
01:23I mean, it isn't.
01:25Well, that's better.
01:25You know, that's four dollars left than we paid last year.
01:29My gosh, it ought to be less.
01:31It ought to be a lot less.
01:32Think of the depreciation.
01:33Think of the wear and tear.
01:34Think of the time I've...
01:35Think of my eardrums and stop shouting.
01:38Well, gee whiz.
01:39A hundred and twenty-four dollars...
01:40Look, sweetheart.
01:42You're a fine broth of a boy,
01:43but you woke up this morning full of croutons.
01:46Hmm.
01:47Calm down.
01:48Relax.
01:49Baby, I woke up this morning full of gladness.
01:53I could hardly shave for laughing.
01:56I sang in the shower.
01:58I loved humanity.
02:00I was happy old McGee the smiling elk.
02:05And then what happened?
02:06I get a tax bill for a hundred and twenty-four dollars and sixty-eight cents.
02:10For what?
02:10I ask you for what?
02:12McGee.
02:12Huh?
02:13You're awfully cute when your eyes flash fire like that.
02:16But I don't want you to scorch your eyelashes.
02:18Will you listen to Mother a minute?
02:22Sure, but I warn you.
02:23I'm in a very unreasonable mood.
02:26Yes, I know.
02:27But after all, this is Thanksgiving.
02:29Ah, Thanksgiving.
02:30Pa-da!
02:33Thanksgiving was all very well for an ignorant pilgrim.
02:36What taxes did he have on a little old homemade log cabin?
02:40And a rusty blunderbuss?
02:43Well, as long as you're so upset about expenses,
02:45you don't have to take me out for Thanksgiving dinner like you promised.
02:49I'll fix something at home.
02:51Gee, you will?
02:52Certainly.
02:53I'd love to do it.
02:54Oh?
02:54What do I care if I just got a new permanent and a facial
02:57and spent my month's allowance on a new hat
03:00and haven't got anything in the house to eat
03:03except some cabbage and a half a dozen weenies?
03:06How we fix for mustard.
03:13Our last drop of mustard went to the dry cleaners yesterday
03:16on your blue necktie.
03:19Well, then we better eat out.
03:21I can't eat weenies without mustard.
03:24Well, all right, but remember now, I fought to stay home.
03:27I know, kiddo.
03:28The taxes are going to ruin us anyway,
03:29so we might as well go to the poor house in a cab.
03:32My gosh, and...
03:33Come in.
03:35Well, heavenly days.
03:36Happy Thanksgiving, Doctor.
03:37McGee, it's Dr. Gamble.
03:39Hello, my dear.
03:40And a happy Thanksgiving to you, too, turkey face.
03:46Thank you, stuffing belt.
03:48And don't blather about Thanksgiving to me.
03:50I ain't in any mood for it.
03:52Sonny, did I ever tell you about the time
03:54my aunt's cat fell into the vat of dill pickles?
03:57No, you didn't, Doctor.
03:59What that cat got to do with me?
04:00Oh, nothing.
04:01Nothing at all except that you are the sourest puss
04:05I've seen since.
04:13Well, he's a little upset over his tax bill, Doctor.
04:16A little upset?
04:16You know what my tax bill was, fatso?
04:19$124.68.
04:21Mine was $210 for the same size house.
04:25Yeah, but you got a gravel driveway.
04:27Now, look, schnook.
04:31Yeah?
04:32Must you always be beefing about something?
04:34You're a chronic complainer.
04:36You have the warm, human, emotional soul of a slag heap.
04:41By the way, Molly, speaking of slag heaps,
04:43I'll have to eat my Thanksgiving dinner at the hospital.
04:46May I drop in here afterward for a cup of your coffee?
04:49Why, Doctor, we'd love to have you do that,
04:51except that McGee's taking me out to dinner.
04:53Where are we going, McGee, anyway?
04:55Gus's.
04:56You can get a table-to-hote dinner there a la carte
04:58for two bucks a throw.
05:00A table-to-hote dinner a la carte.
05:02What'll they think of next?
05:04I've never been there myself.
05:07Is it nice?
05:08Nice?
05:08Why, my gosh, they even got a sextet
05:10of five fiddle players on the balcony.
05:17Playing the violin on cellos.
05:20Yes, and the music is free.
05:22Strauss is on the house.
05:25Have fun, children.
05:27Fun?
05:27With a tax bill hanging over me for $124?
05:29Now, please, McGee, please.
05:31One word of advice, Grouchbag.
05:33Yeah, Snook?
05:34I am an expert, more or less,
05:36on contagious diseases.
05:38Yes?
05:38According to my researches,
05:39one of the most infectious things in existence
05:42is a smile.
05:44It will hurt a little at first.
05:45But try one, son.
05:47Maybe you can start an epidemic.
05:49So long, Molly.
05:50Ah, good old Zach, yes.
05:51One hundred and twenty-four dollars and sixty-eight cents taxes on this house.
06:00Why, the dirty high binders?
06:02What do them bandits want, blood?
06:04No, I think they want money, McGee.
06:07The bill says they do.
06:08Maybe they're just confused down there at that city hall.
06:11Maybe they think I want to buy this house.
06:13Maybe they don't know I already bought it
06:15and paid for it with my own sweat and tears.
06:19Yes?
06:20Sweat, tears, and a lucky raffle ticket.
06:22Don't forget.
06:24As a matter of fact, McGee,
06:25this house only cost us $2, you know.
06:28Oh, my gosh, that makes it even worse.
06:30A hundred and twenty-four dollars and sixty-eight cents taxes on a $2 house.
06:34That's ridiculous.
06:35It's outrageous.
06:37It's unconstitutional.
06:38It's Olly from the Oaks Club.
06:41Come in.
06:42Hello, McGee.
06:43Hello, Mrs.
06:44Happy Thanksgiving.
06:45Thank you, Olly, and the same to you.
06:47What's happy about it?
06:49Look, I don't know what's eating you today, McGee,
06:52but I know today what Olly's eating.
06:54Torquay.
06:55I've eaten a turkey last week in the raffle, a thirty-pound turkey.
06:58My gosh, Olly, a thirty-pounder.
07:00That's what they say it weighs at the raffle.
07:02Hmm, and I believe it, too.
07:04The bones alone must have had twenty-eight pounds.
07:10My goodness, your wife must be planning quite a dinner, Olly.
07:13Are you having some friends over?
07:14No friends, Mrs.
07:15Used relatives.
07:17My sister-in-law...
07:18Julia, she's spending her vacation at our house.
07:23Oh.
07:23Oh, she's got a good job in the city.
07:25She's a governess.
07:26I wish she'd go home and do it.
07:29A governess?
07:30My gosh, marry the governor, eh?
07:32Which governor did she latch on to?
07:33Oh.
07:35No, McGee.
07:36A governess is a lady who, well, she stays with the family and takes care of the children.
07:41Oh, a sitter.
07:42You said something there, McGee.
07:46Since she comes two weeks ago, she don't stop sitting all day.
07:50In my easy share.
07:52Uh, where does your sister-in-law work, Olly?
07:54Oh, she works for an Irish family in the city, messrs.
07:58You know, I had a big idea yesterday.
08:00If it works, she goes home.
08:02But it ain't come out good.
08:03Yeah?
08:04Uh, what'd you do?
08:05Give her a hot foot?
08:06Why don't you try something subtle like throwing her trunks out the window with her in them?
08:10I don't want to get a little...
08:11Now, quiet, McGee, and listen to Olly.
08:14What I did, messrs, I called her up on the phone from the Elves Club, and I changed my voice with Irish dialect.
08:20Oh?
08:20Hello, I say.
08:26Julia, I say, this is your boss, Mr. Yarnier O'Malley.
08:34Yarnier O'Malley.
08:36Sure.
08:37Julia, I say, begorah, the youth can't get along without you.
08:44So will you please wash up your vacation in Visible Whistler and come back on the off?
08:50But it ain't for it.
08:51It don't work.
08:52Well, somebody must have tipped her off.
08:54Maybe one of the kids told her it was you.
08:56Say, how many kids have you got at your house, Olly, anyhow?
08:59I know two of them, but there are more, aren't there, because...
09:02Oh, sure.
09:03Me and the messrs, we got three kids now.
09:05We got another one on the way.
09:08Oh, that's wonderful.
09:10I didn't know that, Olly.
09:11There's only another youngster on the way.
09:13Yeah, my oldest boy, Lars.
09:15He's on the way from Chicago.
09:16So I go meet his train now.
09:20So long, master.
09:21So long, Olly.
09:29What was I doing when Olly came in here?
09:31Seems to me I was sore about them.
09:33Oh, that dad-ratted pocket-picking, purse-snatching tax department.
09:36I'll say I'm sore.
09:37Oh, now, McGee, don't get all worked up.
09:39Boy, does this tax thing burn me up.
09:41Get your hat, kiddo.
09:41I'm going to get down to that city hall and...
09:43The city hall, sweetheart, is closed today.
09:46This is Thanksgiving, remember?
09:47Hmm.
09:48A day of smiles and sweetness and light.
09:51A day of joy and gratitude for our blessings.
09:53Well, it shows what dirty cowards those guys are.
09:55Picking a legal holiday for me to open my tax bill that came yesterday on.
09:59They knew I'd have to have those...
10:00Hello, Olly.
10:00Hiya, pal.
10:02Happy Thanksgiving, kids.
10:03And the same to you, Mr. Wilcox.
10:05Nice to see you.
10:06Happy Thanksgiving, he says.
10:07Sure, it's a happy Thanksgiving for him.
10:09Has he seen our tax bill?
10:10Ah, when I say happy Thanksgiving today, I'm not kidding, kids.
10:13I've got plenty to be thankful for.
10:15Well, we all have, Mr. Wilcox.
10:17Yeah, well, them tax bandits loose, terrorizing innocent people with their big bills.
10:20Yes, indeed, because with Johnson's self-polishing glow coat, the new water-repellent glow coat,
10:25I can really talk turkey to housewives these days.
10:28Bah, cranberry sauce.
10:32Look, with conditions like they are...
10:33Well, you see, here at Last Kids is a self-polishing floor wax that is positively water-repellent.
10:39A wax that stays on and stays bright even after repeated damp moppings.
10:43Is it gravy-repellent, too, Mr. Wilcox?
10:46Because lots of people will spill gravy today.
10:48Absolutely, Molly, absolutely.
10:50With Johnson's new water and gravy-repellent glow coat on your floor's pinoleum,
10:55you can wipe, spill things up with a damp cloth, or mop them up if you like,
10:59but you don't wipe the wax off your floor.
11:01Oh, I'd like to wipe out that tax crowd because by...
11:04Because, because glow coat stays on and stays bright longer.
11:08Not days longer, but weeks longer.
11:10So Johnson's new water-repellent glow coat...
11:12Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, look.
11:12It's the finest, it is, it's the last, the last word.
11:17Please, waxy.
11:19I'm sorry, pal, but I gotta get going.
11:21You see, my aunt is having 18 relatives over to her house tonight for a duck dinner,
11:26and I'm trying to think of a way.
11:27A way to what?
11:28Duck dinner.
11:30So long, kid.
11:30Ah, that's cute.
11:38How can that guy talk about food when the whole tax structure, the whole nation,
11:42is tumbling down around his ears?
11:44The whole world in a turmoil, and Wilcox goes right on making a living.
11:48Oh.
11:49For goodness sakes, McGee, forget it till tomorrow at least.
11:52This isn't going to wreck our whole world economy, do you?
11:54Well, it's the principle of the thing, Molly.
11:56$124.68 on a house that I only got an investment of two bucks in.
12:01It's outrageous.
12:02It's exuberant, that's what it is.
12:06Exorbitant.
12:07I'm glad you agree with me.
12:11Why, this thing amounts to government conjugation of property, you know that?
12:14This could grow into it.
12:16Where are you going?
12:17Up to get dressed.
12:19It's nearly time to leave if we're going to Gus's for dinner.
12:21Now, you better get shaved, too, dearie.
12:24Okay, Tootsie.
12:25That much time, you know.
12:26In a minute.
12:27Ah, there goes a good kid.
12:29And steady as a rock.
12:32She knows the whole world is in a mess.
12:34Russia with the atom bomb.
12:37The pool table at the Elks with the two-foot hole torn in the cloth.
12:41And me with a tax bill for 125 bucks.
12:44But is she worried?
12:46No, sir.
12:47When she gets hungry, she just...
12:49Come in.
12:51Hi, mister.
12:53Oh, it's you, Teenie.
12:54Well, come in if you want.
12:56But I warn you, I'm in a rotten humor.
12:58Oh, that's okay, mister.
13:00Happy Thanksgiving, anyhow.
13:03Well...
13:03Happy Thanksgiving.
13:06I'm sore, sis, you understand?
13:08Oh?
13:09I'm steamed up like a clam dinner.
13:12If I was running this town, there'd be no taxes.
13:14I'm against taxes.
13:15Anyhow.
13:17Gee, mister, our teacher was, too, yesterday, I met you.
13:20She was, eh?
13:21She was, huh?
13:22I said she was, eh?
13:24Who was?
13:24Your teacher.
13:25Was what?
13:26Against taxes.
13:27When?
13:28Yesterday.
13:28I know it.
13:30Willie Toops put them in her chair.
13:38Huh?
13:38They were thumb taxes.
13:44Only it wasn't her thumb that she...
13:46No, no, no, no, no.
13:50Skip it.
13:51Okay.
13:53Hey, mister, we had a wonderful play at school yesterday, I betcha.
13:57You did?
13:58Pilgrims and Indians.
14:00I was a beautiful pilgrim maiden there.
14:02Well, that's fine, sis.
14:03Now, you're on a long hold.
14:04Oh, I got time, mister.
14:07I'm in no hurry.
14:08I do.
14:09I'll act it out for you.
14:12I'll act the whole play with all the parties.
14:14No, no, no, no.
14:16Absolutely not.
14:17Okay.
14:18Just the last scene.
14:20The big scene.
14:21Mm-hmm.
14:22I, the beautiful pilgrim maiden, am tied to a stake, see?
14:26Yeah.
14:27And the savage redskins, which they're the kindergarten kids with watercolors on their face,
14:33they're going to sculpture me.
14:38Going to what?
14:39Sculpture me.
14:41Cut off my scalp with a willy hawk.
14:48Tomahawk.
14:49Tommy didn't have one, so he had to use willy.
14:52Oh, what?
14:58It's very uninteresting.
14:59Now, look, sis.
15:00Oh.
15:02Willie comes sneaking through the forest with his trusty bow and arrow.
15:06Only Willie fell down, and the arrow flew out of his hand and shot the principal behind
15:11the potted palm.
15:14And the principal screamed and jumped on our teacher's foot, and she let go of the rope
15:19that holds the curtain up, and the curtain fell down and knocked one of the savage redskins
15:24into the front row in the school superintendent's lap, and broke his glasses, and now we got
15:31a new rule at our school.
15:34No more plays.
15:36Go on, mister.
15:38Go on.
15:38My goodness, this is good food, McGee.
15:52I'm certainly glad you insisted we have our Thanksgiving dinner out.
15:55Well, you know me, kiddo.
15:56You're a Lulu in the kitchen, but now and then I get hungry for a good restaurant-cooked meal.
16:01But I was telling you, but when I had at the training table in my baseball day...
16:04Well, mister and mrs. McGee, is everything all right?
16:07Just fine, thank you, Gus.
16:09This is a wonderful dinner.
16:11Ought to be.
16:11Two bucks to throw.
16:13Well, I'll be back pretty quick.
16:15Anything you want, you'll speak up.
16:17Okay, Gus.
16:19What were you saying about your baseball days, McGee?
16:21Huh?
16:22Oh, yeah.
16:22Well, we didn't get meals like this when I was in training.
16:25Well, what'd you play?
16:26First base, wasn't it?
16:27I was a pitcher.
16:29Manager of the team saw me standing around one day, and he says, you pitch, don't you,
16:32shorty?
16:33And I said, sure.
16:34How'd you know?
16:35Well, he says, you're small and you've got big ears, and little pitchers have got big
16:39ears, so go get into a uniform and let's see what you got.
16:43So as a relief pitcher, I traveled all over with the team.
16:47South, Paul?
16:47No, mostly around the Middle West.
16:56I often wish I would have stayed a baseball player, Mrs. Bones.
17:03Baseball players don't get whamble, $125 tax bills.
17:07$124.
17:08Hush, Terry.
17:09Hush now.
17:10You're talking so loud.
17:10People are looking.
17:11Well, let them look.
17:12By George, one of these days, isn't that Latrivia sitting at the table behind the post there?
17:16One of these days, it probably is.
17:18Sure it is.
17:19Hey, Latrivia.
17:20Why didn't you let the man finish his dinner?
17:21Ah, hello, Your Honor.
17:23It's nice to see you.
17:24Hello, Molly.
17:25Hello, McGee.
17:26Latrivia, you're just the guy I wanted to see.
17:28Hey, sit down.
17:33Well, just for a moment.
17:35But, uh, please stop waving that piece of paper in my face.
17:38That's no ordinary piece of paper, Mr. Mayor.
17:40That's a declaration of war.
17:42Look at this tax bill, Latrivia.
17:43I want to protest.
17:44Bye, George.
17:45Please keep your voice down to a bellow.
17:47Mr. Mayor, may I apologize for breaking into your Thanksgiving of this silly tax business?
17:52Oh, that's quite all right, Molly.
17:53As mayor of this city, it is my duty to listen to the protests of citizens at any time of
17:58the night or day, or on holidays.
18:01Holiday.
18:06I haven't had a decent holiday since Dr. Gamble took my appendix out.
18:11Well, as the nurse said, when she pulled the string out of the candle and told the patient
18:14to get out of bed, there's no wick for the rest of it.
18:22Hmm.
18:23Uh, who was the patient?
18:26And, uh, why were they using candles?
18:28Fuse blown out?
18:30Of course not.
18:31That was just a kind of a gag saying.
18:32I was merely...
18:32And if you will permit me to correct you, McGee, the saying is not no wick for the rested,
18:37it's no rest for the wicked.
18:39That's right.
18:40I know that.
18:41Doggone it.
18:42It was just a joke I made up.
18:43A joke?
18:44A joke?
18:45I don't see anything funny in a nurse yanking a patient out of bed.
18:50Was it one of Gamble's cases?
18:52No, it wasn't.
18:53It wasn't the case at all.
18:54All I said was...
18:55They don't use candles in Dr. Gamble's hospital, Mr. Mayor.
18:58Must have been some little bitty hospital because...
19:01It was not a horse-related slice of little ice fail.
19:03Uh-huh, the candle.
19:07Uh, look, Latrivia, when you said...
19:08I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
19:09I'd like to stay and hear more about the way those nurses handle their patients.
19:13I was nursing about the kid and the panel.
19:14Uh, the...
19:15The patient and the kennel.
19:17The candle.
19:17All I said was this whole thing started.
19:19That rather started.
19:20You said I was...
19:21I went...
19:22I was...
19:23I was...
19:24Do you?
19:26Who?
19:31Latrivia?
19:35Yes, McGee?
19:37You going to be in your office tomorrow?
19:39Are you coming in?
19:40Yes.
19:40No.
19:42Good day, Molly.
19:44Nice to see you.
19:44Jerry, I must say this was no occasion to take up the matter of your tax bill with the mayor.
19:57This is Thanksgiving.
19:58Yeah, fine, Thanksgiving.
19:59With bank rupture breathing down my neck.
20:01Excuse me, please, Mr. McGee.
20:03You don't look happy about something.
20:05Is something the matter with dinner, maybe?
20:07No, Gus, it was a beautiful dinner.
20:09Just lovely.
20:10Good.
20:10How's about some nice desserts?
20:11No, thanks, Gus.
20:12I'm too upset.
20:14What's upsetting you, Mr. McGee?
20:15Is it anything I can do something about it?
20:17I'm afraid not, Gus.
20:19Just take a look at this tax bill.
20:21$124.68 on a house we already own.
20:25Good gracious.
20:26You own a house?
20:27Isn't that wonderful?
20:28Wonderful?
20:29What's wonderful?
20:29I'm trying to find a house for my wife and kids, but so far we're just living in a trailer.
20:34Really, Gus?
20:35How many children have you?
20:36Well, only seven, but they're very noisy.
20:40Like eight or nine sometimes.
20:41It must be very nice having a house, I think.
20:45Yeah, but my gosh, Gus, $124.
20:47I never forget when I get my citizenship.
20:50The judge says, Gus, he says, why do you want to be a United States citizen?
20:55So I say, Judge?
20:56I say for a big judge who asks very silly questions, I want to be a United States citizen because
21:02over here, nobody is saying, Gus, your papa was a shoemaker, so you've got to be a shoemaker.
21:09Here, everybody can do what he wants to do.
21:12My kid is as good as anybody else's kid.
21:14That's all very well.
21:15When we come from all country in a little freight boat, we see Statue of Liberty holding
21:19up a lamp.
21:21My wife, she gets tears.
21:23She says, Gus, that lamp is signing for people like us.
21:27We work hard here.
21:28We pay taxes with gladness so that lamp is stale it for other people's.
21:33For us, Mr. McGee, it's 365 Thanksgivings every year.
21:39No dessert?
21:41No, thank you, Gus.
21:42No dessert.
21:43Me neither, Gus.
21:44Just give me the check.
21:45Oh, it's no check today, Mr. McGee, for my friends.
21:48I start this business with help from people like you.
21:51You're good to me, and everybody is good to me.
21:53Thanksgiving is from me to you.
21:55Thank you very much for coming here.
21:57Oh, thank you very much, Gus.
21:58It would be nice.
22:06Now, we'll see you next week, Gus.
22:08Come on, Mom.
22:12Now, then, what were we talking about, McGee?
22:14This tax bill, $124.68.
22:18It's ridiculous.
22:19Oh, I don't.
22:19For a swell little house like ours, my gosh, it ought to be at least $200.
22:23I'm going to see the assessor tomorrow and see if I can...
22:26Bipper and Molly return in a moment.
22:38Well, that was a nice finish for a Thanksgiving day, McGee.
22:41Gus serves a fine meal, doesn't he?
22:43I'll say.
22:43I never walked in there yet, but I didn't waddle out.
22:45I think I'll get all his customers together and organize a P.T.U.
22:50P.T.A., you mean?
22:51P.T.A., yes.
22:53You mean Parent-Teachers Association?
22:55No, Pertuding Tummies of America.
23:00Good night.
23:03Good night, all.
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