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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00C-A-M-E-L-S
00:14The evident Costello program brought to you by Camel,
00:17the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records.
00:20See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too.
00:23Find out for yourself.
00:25Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra,
00:30the swingy singing of Connie Haynes.
00:33And this being Thanksgiving Day, we recall this touching scene.
00:38As the good ship Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock,
00:40the captain shouted to the Indian chief,
00:42Hey, yes, sir!
00:55Hey, Costello, Costello, do you realize it's 7 o'clock?
00:58Where have you been?
00:58Oh, Abbott, I just came from your house.
01:00And have I got news for you?
01:01What is it?
01:01Your cat just had chickens.
01:03My cat had chickens?
01:04Yep.
01:05My cat had chickens?
01:06Yep.
01:06You mean kittens.
01:07Cats don't have chickens.
01:09What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night?
01:11Chickens.
01:11Well, your cat just had them.
01:15You mean that cat ate my chickens?
01:17He swallowed the chickens, bag and all.
01:19Why didn't you take them away from him?
01:21You know me, Abbott, I ain't the type that would let the bag out of the cat.
01:25I think I'm wrong, huh?
01:28Well, I've got plenty of other food around the house.
01:30Well, by the way, Abbott.
01:31What?
01:32Being that this is Thanksgiving Day,
01:33I hate to think of you eating alone.
01:36What do you mean?
01:37What do you say to having Thanksgiving dinner with me?
01:40Well, that's mighty fine of you, Costello.
01:42Good.
01:42At what time?
01:43Eight o'clock at your house.
01:44Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
01:47No, no, you'll get no turkey at my house.
01:49Then how about a little duck?
01:50A duck?
01:50Yeah, that's a chicken with snowshoes on.
01:52Hey, look.
01:52I'm sorry, Costello.
01:55You can't come to my house for Thanksgiving.
01:57I'm having a dinner for the snooty set.
01:58Oh, the snooty set.
02:00You heard me.
02:00No, I'm not good enough to eat with pigs.
02:02No, no, no.
02:04Will you listen to me, please?
02:05I'm listening.
02:06Tonight I'm entertaining a few of the 400.
02:08A few of the 400?
02:09Yes.
02:10That's 800 all to get it.
02:11No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:12Just the 400.
02:13That's what I said.
02:14That's what I said.
02:14That's your line, thank you.
02:16Well?
02:16Well, just because they weigh a little more to me, that don't make them any better than
02:19I am.
02:19No, no, no.
02:20Talk, talk, talk, please.
02:21I couldn't have you at my house.
02:23This is going to be a very classy affair.
02:25Why, I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on.
02:28Crumbs?
02:29Mm-hmm.
02:29Certainly.
02:30Don't you have crumbs at your table?
02:31Sure, Rabbit.
02:31You're welcome any time.
02:32No, no, no, no, no.
02:34There you go.
02:35You have absolutely no finesse.
02:38No what?
02:38I said you have no finesse.
02:40What would I do with a finesse?
02:41In California, you don't need a finesse.
02:45If it's cold, we turn on the gas peter.
02:48All right, Castle, look.
02:50I didn't say...
02:51Or the radiator.
02:53I didn't say...
02:54He's good like Boyer.
02:55All right, look, look, please.
02:57Furnesse!
02:58All right, all right.
02:59I didn't say furnace in the first place.
03:01I said finesse.
03:02Furnesse.
03:02Look.
03:02You don't know why, Stein.
03:03All right, you're getting me all mixed up here.
03:05Look, I'm trying to tell you...
03:06Listen to me, please.
03:08Your table manners are terrible.
03:09The last time you had dinner at my house,
03:11you did nothing but reach across the table
03:13and grab for the food.
03:14Well, what was wrong with that?
03:14What was wrong with that?
03:16You've got a tongue, haven't you?
03:17Yeah, but I can reach further with my arm.
03:23There you go again, Costello.
03:24You see, you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat.
03:27You have no etiquette.
03:28I got no what?
03:29You have no etiquette.
03:31Etiquette?
03:31Yes, you heard me.
03:32You don't even know how to say the word.
03:34Etiquette.
03:34Yeah.
03:34You don't...
03:35What do you mean?
03:36You mean antiquity.
03:36Now, it's etiquette.
03:40Well, etiquette and tickety, it's the same thing anyway.
03:43All right, so what?
03:43Well, I'll go out and I'll buy one of them books on etiquette-y
03:46by Emily Piller.
03:47Emily Piller?
03:48Yeah.
03:48That's Emily Post.
03:49Okay, I'll read the both of them.
03:50Both of them?
03:51I'll go from Piller to Post.
03:53Well, you should read that book, Costello.
03:55It will tell you a lot of things.
03:57For instance, which is proper to use when eating peas?
04:00A fork or a spoon?
04:01I don't use either one.
04:02Well, how do you eat your peas?
04:03Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate
04:05and bank the peas off the mashed potato.
04:09Costello...
04:09Sometimes the mashed potato's got you in my ears.
04:11Yes, I can imagine.
04:13Sloppy, huh?
04:14Yeah, yeah.
04:15Costello, you haven't got the brains of a two-year-old child.
04:18Oh, I wouldn't say that.
04:19Why not?
04:20Look at the difference in our ages.
04:23The way you act, I could never have you at my table.
04:26Look, Abbott, if you know so much about manners,
04:27just answer me this one thing.
04:29What is it?
04:29Which hand do you stir your coffee with?
04:30I stir my coffee with my right hand.
04:32That's funny.
04:33Most people use a spoon.
04:37Ah, that's not laughing.
04:38Now, that settles it, Costello.
04:39You ain't got no etiquette.
04:40Yeah, that settles everything.
04:41I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner.
04:43But now you had to be a smart aleck, didn't you?
04:45Wait a minute, Abbott.
04:45Yeah, you did.
04:46Wait a minute.
04:47Now, you're my old pal.
04:48I can't help it.
04:49You can't do this to me.
04:50Well, I did.
04:51You've got to invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving.
04:53I ain't got no place to go.
04:54I'm sorry.
04:55You can't let your old French dog.
04:58Look at me, Abbott.
04:59I only weigh 90 pounds now.
05:01Ah, 90 pounds.
05:04Why, you're 56 inches around the waist.
05:06Yeah, but I'm hollow.
05:07All right, look.
05:08Ah, look.
05:09All right, all right.
05:10You can come to dinner, Costello.
05:11But you'll have to make yourself useful.
05:13Now, get there early and wait on the table.
05:15Why should I wait on the table?
05:16Why can't I wait in a parlor with the rest of the people?
05:17No, no, you dummy.
05:18I mean, I want you...
05:19I don't want to sit on your table waiting.
05:21I mean, I want you to help with a serving.
05:22Now, the first course will be hors d'oeuvres.
05:24Of course, you know what hors d'oeuvres are.
05:26Yeah, that's French for leftovers.
05:28No, no.
05:29Costello, hors d'oeuvres are snacks.
05:30Now, you take care of the ladies first.
05:32It's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack.
05:34Are their husbands going to be there?
05:35Certainly.
05:36Then I ain't going to do it.
05:37What?
05:37Do what?
05:37I ain't going to go around snacking the ladies.
05:40Their husbands are liable to come around and snack me.
05:43On second thought, you'd better stay out in the kitchen and help with the oyster dressing.
05:46Why, Abbott.
05:47What's the matter?
05:48What you said.
05:49Well, what's wrong?
05:50You ought to be ashamed of yourself, talking that way to a boy of my age.
05:55What do you mean?
05:55I'm just at the age of picking things up like that.
05:57Well, what's wrong?
05:59Why, it's a good thing my mother isn't here.
06:01Oh, the shame of it all.
06:03What are you talking about?
06:04How dare you ask me to help with the oyster dressing?
06:07What do you mean?
06:08Now, look at it.
06:09I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table.
06:12And I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to snack all the ladies,
06:16especially in front of their husbands.
06:18But when you have the nerve to ask me to go out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters,
06:24you not only humilify me, but you have impugned on my good name.
06:38Tomorrow, on the back cover of Life magazine,
06:41you'll see a very stirring set of pictures under the title,
06:44Pair of Aces Back to Back.
06:45A Navy Dauntless Dive Bomber attacking a Japanese carrier.
06:49Notice, too, the pair of flyers,
06:51the pair of aces in the lower left-hand corner.
06:54And read the words they're saying.
06:56I quote,
06:57Camels, our cigarette.
06:58Suits the throat and the taste to a T.
07:01Unquote.
07:02C-A-M-E-L-F
07:04Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:07Could be with you, too.
07:09Here is Freddie Rich with Jabba Junction.
07:17The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:18Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:19The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:20Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:21The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:22The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:23Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:24The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:25Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:26The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:27Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:28The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:29Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:30The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:31Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:32The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:33Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:34The End of the C-A-M-E-L-F
07:35Camels, they're aces with the aces.
07:36The End
08:06The End
08:36The End
09:05The End
09:35The End
10:05The End
10:35Yeah, René
10:36You're the great René?
10:38Yes, I am, yes
10:39Then what are you doing in California?
10:40Oh, I always come here in the René season
10:43The René season?
10:46Yes
10:46Ha, ha!
10:48This guy's a washout
10:49Never mind that, Costello
10:52Look, we've got to get my Thanksgiving dinner cooked, please
10:55Kitzel, you'll find all the utensils in that big cupboard over there
10:58Oh, fishpash utensils, utensils, utensils, utensils, who needs your utensils?
11:01I brought along my own pot
11:03That's the first pot I ever saw with a belt around it
11:06Costello, please keep out of this
11:09Kitzel, do you know anything about cooking game?
11:11Do I know how to cook game?
11:13Why, I'm cooking the finest pinochle you ever tasted
11:16You, uh, cook pinochle?
11:19Sure, pinochle's a sauerkraut
11:21Oh
11:21Look, Kitzel, I don't want to get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue?
11:25Nobody ordered cold cuts
11:26Look, never mind that, Costello
11:28Kitzel, get busy, please
11:30And get the dinner ready
11:31No, no, no, just a second, just a second, my little man
11:34Don't get excited
11:36First I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and saws
11:40What chisels and saws?
11:41Cream chisels and cranberry saws
11:43You know, Kitzel, it's too bad you didn't bring your monkey wrench
11:47Well, for goodness sake, what would I be doing with a monkey wrench?
11:50Well, you could tighten the nuts on a fruitcake
11:52Stop, Costello, please
12:03Will you get busy and help, Kitzel?
12:05I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet
12:08Sebastian! Sebastian!
12:13Shut off that radio! Shut it off!
12:16My Sebastian!
12:18Well, I just come over to help you out, Uncle Bud
12:20And I thought the guests would like some nice romantic music
12:23Romantic music?
12:24Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music
12:26It is to another tiger
12:28All right
12:28Now, look, Sebastian
12:32If you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself
12:35Now, this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner
12:37The men will all wear tails
12:39Tails? Who's coming, Mickey Mouse?
12:41Now, will you please listen, Sebastian
12:44It will be your job to usher the people into the dining room
12:47I will sit at the head of the table
12:48Ken Niles will sit on my right hand
12:50And Connie Haynes will sit on my left hand
12:52Ken Niles is going to sit on your right hand?
12:54That's right
12:54And Connie Haynes will sit on your left hand?
12:56That's right
12:57How are you going to eat? Would you think?
12:58No, no, no
12:59Look, when you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen
13:02Then when I ring this little dinner bell
13:04Your brother will hand me the carving knife
13:06And you give me the bird
13:07In front of everybody?
13:11That'll do, Sebastian
13:12Now, go out in the kitchen and make some ice water
13:14And I do hope you can make ice water
13:16Yeah, sure
13:17You just peel an onion
13:18An onion?
13:19Yeah, that'll make your ice water
13:20Sebastian, ice water is frozen water
13:24Oh, yeah?
13:25Yeah
13:25Then what is frozen ink?
13:27I stink
13:27You'll get no argument out of me, Brian
13:30And now, ladies and gentlemen
13:47We take you to the home of Bud Abbott
13:49Where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served
13:52Costello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog
13:56But he is now ready to face the guests
13:58Let us look in on this dog face
14:01Costello, Costello
14:05The guests are arriving
14:07Open the door and announce them as they come in
14:08Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Ned Blank
14:10Mr. and Mrs. Phil Krasner
14:12Announcing
14:13Lord Hipsqueak, Knight of the Garder
14:16Lord Beaverboard, Knight of the Bath
14:19And Hedy Lamarr
14:20Hedy Lamarr isn't here
14:22I was thinking of another night
14:23Young man, how dare you leave me standing here
14:29I'll kindly take my card and announce me
14:31Okay
14:32Hillside, 2183
14:34Ask for Hazel
14:35If a man answers, hang up
14:38Wrong card!
14:40Wrong card!
14:41That isn't my card
14:44I'm sorry, I got that mixed up with one of my own
14:45Costello, what's your manners?
14:47Okay
14:47This is Lady Jennifer Cookie Cutter
14:50That little boy, my home, you know
14:53Is at Clendinning on the Tyne
14:55Clendinning on the Tyne?
14:58Then you must know my great aunt Harriet
14:59The old girl is bowling, did you know?
15:02Oh, from Clendinning on the Tyne?
15:05No, from hitchhiking on oil trucks
15:06All right, that's enough, Costello
15:16Take Lady Jennifer's coat and I'll escort her to the table
15:19Oh, by all means, the table
15:21Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse
15:23Yeah, Costello
15:25Costello, get that horse out of here
15:27Get out of here
15:27Get out of here
15:28Get out of here
15:29And, uh, please
15:30Please, bring Lady Jennifer a cocktail
15:32Yes
15:33Uh, make it a martini
15:35Oh, with a black olive
15:36You drink martinis with a black olive?
15:38Yes, I'm in mourning for my husband
15:40If I was you, Lady Jennifer
15:44I would lay off those martinis
15:45They're pretty hot
15:45Costello, what makes you think they're hot?
15:47Of course, I just poured one
15:48When I dropped the olive in
15:49The olive stuck out as pimento
15:50Oh, by the way, Mr. Abbott
15:57I have a little, uh, Thanksgiving present for you
15:59A nice, fat Belgian hair
16:01I raised them, you know
16:03Oh, thank you, Lady Jennifer
16:05Costello, take Lady Jennifer's hair
16:07Take her what?
16:09Take her hair and put it in the icebox
16:10Okay, Abbott
16:12Oh, no, no, you fool
16:14Costello, now look what you've done
16:16Speak to Lady Jennifer
16:17Hello, Baldy
16:18Oh, I've never been so insulted in all my life
16:30Come, Lady Jennifer
16:31I'll show you under the table
16:32Uh, I'll show you
16:33Get the line right, not under that table
16:36No, no, I'm sorry, Mrs. Jennifer
16:37I'll show you to the table
16:39Very well, you may take my arm
16:41Does that come off, too?
16:45Costello, get busy and serve the dinner
16:46And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup
16:49Okay
16:49Lord Beaverbrook
16:52Uh, Bord, I pardon me, Mr. Beaverbord
16:54It's quite all right
16:55It's quite all right, please
16:56Uh, what quality of the turkey would you like?
16:57Well, I'm a flyer
16:59I'll take the weight
17:00And, uh, Freddie Rich
17:04Well, I'm a musician
17:06I'll take the drumstick
17:07And, Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like?
17:10Well, you can skip me
17:12I'm a good-end kid
17:13I hope somebody will remember me
17:18I like the neck
17:19I like the neck, too, Connie
17:21I'll meet you out on the front porch
17:22That's got to keep quiet and serve the soup
17:24And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it
17:27Okay, I'll fix that
17:28Oh, somebody turn off the light
17:30Quick, turn on the light, somebody
17:32There, the lights are on
17:34What's the trouble, Lady Jennifer?
17:36Oh, my necklace is gone
17:37Somebody's stolen my pearl necklace
17:39Quick, Castello, call the police
17:40Police!
17:41No, no, no, no, no, no
17:42No, no, use the French phone
17:44I don't speak French
17:44Oh, here
17:45Please, here, I'll call him
17:48Operator, give me the police
17:50Hurry up
17:50Hello, police department
17:51This is Bud Abbott's home
17:53There's been a robbery here
17:54Come over at once
17:55Well, here we are
18:00We're from headquarters
18:01What took you so long?
18:05I said, what took you so long?
18:07So long?
18:08What, are you leaving already?
18:11Now, shut up, you
18:12You look suspicious
18:13Stick up your hands
18:14A ridge for the ceiling
18:15Okay, but I know I won't make it
18:17I have
18:17Officer, there's been a robbery here
18:20The lights went out
18:21And somebody stole Lady Jennifer's pearl necklace
18:24I stole a necklace, eh?
18:28Somebody will get the jug for this
18:30Sounds like you've had it already
18:35Come on, come on
18:38Line up against the wall
18:38And you too, fat boy
18:40What's your name?
18:41Honest Luke Costello
18:43Costello, eh?
18:47Ain't you got a relative
18:48Doing time at Alcatraz?
18:51Yes, sir
18:51That's my Uncle Stebbins
18:53They put him in for something he didn't do
18:56For something he didn't do?
18:57Yeah, he didn't wipe off his fingerprints
18:59When he robbed the bank
19:00Now get in line there
19:03I'll take this gentleman first
19:05Uh, what's your name?
19:06Uh, Lord Beaverboard
19:07Uh, where were you sitting
19:09When the necklace was stolen?
19:10Well, I...
19:11You lie!
19:12Ouch!
19:13How long have you known Lady Jennifer?
19:15Well, I...
19:16You lie!
19:16Ouch!
19:17Gets rid of him fast, don't he?
19:20All right, Sergeant
19:21Drag this man out of here
19:23Now, Costello, you're next
19:24I think there are others ahead of me
19:27I'm ready to take you now
19:30But I don't want to be selfish
19:31Women and children first
19:33Sit down there in the chair
19:36Just a minute
19:36Who are you shoving?
19:38Who are you shoving?
19:39I'm shoving you
19:40And what's about it?
19:41I just wanted to be sure
19:43Now, where was you
19:47When the lights went out?
19:48I was...
19:49You lied!
19:50I expected it
19:51Ouch!
19:51Ouch!
19:53Happy!
19:54Happy!
19:55What's the matter?
19:55Look what it is
19:57Did he hurt your head?
19:58No, but he broke my shoelaces
19:59Shut up, you
20:01Now I'm going to question the little boy here
20:04Oh, no
20:05Not that
20:05You can't question my little brother Sebastian
20:08And why not?
20:09There's only one head between us
20:10I'm playing both pots
20:11Oh, just a moment
20:13Just a moment, officer
20:14There's been a horrible mistake
20:16My bones went still in a fall
20:18They slipped off my neck
20:20Into my tapioca
20:21Well, leave him there
20:22You look better wearing tapioca
20:24What happened to Costello?
20:27But wait
20:27Wait a minute
20:28There's one thing I can't understand, Costello
20:30Who turned out the lights
20:31When you were serving dinner?
20:33I turned them out, Uncle Bud
20:35Sebastian
20:35Why did you turn the lights off?
20:38Because you said
20:39You didn't want to see
20:39Louis come in the soup
20:41Sebastian
20:43Do you realize what you did?
20:46You almost got me arrested
20:47Your brother
20:48They might have thrown me in jail
20:50Then I would have to walk around
20:51With the power
20:52Of the prison
20:53On my noble brow
20:54Why did you do such things
20:56To your loving brother, Sebastian?
20:59Oh, I'm a bad boy
21:03Well, Costello
21:10Now that we've done our show
21:12Let's get home and have our turkey, huh?
21:15I think it's a good idea
21:15Because I'm just about ready for it now
21:17Did you make the stuffing?
21:18Yeah, I did
21:19I made grand stuffing
21:20You did, huh?
21:20Yeah, I ground up a lot of breadcrumbs
21:21And then I put in some garlic
21:22Oh, that's swell
21:23And then I put in a little onion
21:23And then I put in some more garlic
21:24Then a whole lot of onion
21:25Then a whole lot of garlic
21:26Then a whole lot of more onions
21:27Then a whole lot of garlic
21:28And a whole lot of more onions
21:29Wait a minute
21:30And then a little more
21:31Wait a minute
21:32Wait a minute
21:33Wait a minute
21:33Did you taste it?
21:34Taste it?
21:35I couldn't even get near it
21:36Good night, folks
21:38Night
21:39Good night, everybody
21:40Be sure to tune in next week
21:56For another great Abbott and Costello show
21:58And remember
21:59Try camels on your throat
22:01And your taste
22:01See for yourself
22:02How camels' mildness, coolness, and flavor
22:05Click with you
22:06¶¶
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