- 2 days ago
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series. The show ran for over three decades, from 1932 to 1955 on radio, and from 1950 to 1965 on television. It won numerous awards, including the 1959 and 1961 Emmy Awards for Best Comedy Series, and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.
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00:00that was let's be buddies played by the orchestra and now ladies and gentlemen as you all know
00:10last thursday evening was halloween and jack celebrated by throwing his annual costume party
00:15for the jello gang so this evening we will turn back the clock the time last thursday night the
00:22place jack's home in beverly hills take it away i'll never smile again hidey hidey ho rochester
00:35i'll never smile again till i get more dough rochester that's a beautiful song you don't
00:43have to change the lyrics well i'm trying to get a message across oh you are well you don't have to
00:49put it to music and make an offer out of it you want a raise just come right out and ask me i'll
00:54never smile again i'll cut that out and stop complaining i'm giving a costume party tonight
01:02and i'm not even dressed yet here help me pull my shirt off okay there now hand me that grass skirt
01:09oh boy rochester hand me that grass skirt tonight i'm going to be a hula girl
01:20hula girl yes with your rheumatism
01:23never mind my rheumatism i bought this outfit when i was in honolulu and i'm going to wear it
01:31now pin that gardenia in my hair yes sir well what's the matter can't find anything to pin it to
01:39all right hang it over my ear there say that's pretty good do i look like a hula girl rochester
01:50i suppose so i guess they come in all shapes and sizes
01:53you can never pay me a compliment can you now go out and make those popcorn balls like i told you to
02:03yes sir say boss how about the cider the cider do you want me to put a little jolt in it
02:09leave it alone there's nothing more refreshing than a glass of sweet cider
02:14nobody's going to slide down the banister on that
02:17rochester is going to be a party not a brawl now go tend to your word
02:21and on your way to the kitchen answer the door it's in the opposite direction
02:26i don't care answer it what do you want me to do rebuild my house
02:31my goodness grass skirts a little long better pull it up
02:36it's miss limston good evening miss limston hello rochester
02:40oh hello mary what do you think of my costume
02:43well i'll be
02:44what's so funny about me being a hula girl
02:49hula girl i thought you were a haystack with dandruff
02:52mary if i'm a haystack what am i doing with this gardenia hanging over my ear
02:59all right you're a sissy
03:00i'm not a sissy i'm a hula girl princess jackamoku
03:04now later on mary when the party gets rolling i want you to ask me to do a native dance
03:08no kidding are you gonna dance
03:10yeah i learned it in honolulu last summer
03:12get a load of this
03:13it's not the island fair that is calling to me
03:16dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum wow how's that
03:19i sure made my hips move didn't i mary
03:22yeah now move them back
03:23i'll get them back don't worry
03:31now mary light the candles in those jack-o-lanterns i want to put them in the window
03:36okay
03:36say boss
03:37what is it
03:38ain't you cold running around with nothing on but a grass skirt
03:41no what makes you think i'm cold
03:42you got so many goose pimples you look like a horn too
03:45oh i'll be all right in a few minutes
03:49no kidding jack you ought to put something around your shoulders
03:52oh
03:52well holy smoke
03:54what's the matter
03:55look at that tattoo on your arm
03:57grow with walkegan
03:58oh that i had it done when i was a young fella
04:04you know i had a couple of snorts of elderberry wine one night and i felt very civic
04:09hand me that pumpkin
04:12here you are
04:13see i'll bet you were a devil in those days eh jack
04:15was i you should have known me then mary
04:17i can just see you standing in front of the pool room
04:19the straw hat over one eye and a toothpick in your mouth
04:22yeah
04:22when a girl was passed by you'd yell
04:24hello chicken let's fly the coop
04:26all right so i used to flirt with the girls
04:30you'll get one yet boss
04:32rochester i thought i told you to go out in the kitchen and fix those popcorn balls
04:37see who that is
04:39why don't you put swinging doors in here
04:41rochester this is not a saloon
04:43especially with that cider
04:45never mind answer the door
04:47okay
04:47never saw anybody as lazy as he is
04:50say mary i forgot to ask you how's your cold
04:52you know we missed you on the program last week
04:54oh i'm fine now jack i'll be with you next sunday
04:56that's good
04:57well look who's here
05:01hello dennis
05:01hello
05:02well look at the kid all dressed up in a navy uniform
05:06where'd you get it dennis
05:07my girlfriend goes with a sailor
05:09oh well that was very sweet of him
05:18you know dennis i used to be in the service myself
05:20darn it i wish i could go again
05:22what can a hula girl do in the navy
05:24oh stop will you i'm not a hula girl
05:27you could have fooled me
05:28there you are i look all right don't i dennis
05:30yeah but if you're a hula dancer mr benny
05:32don't you think you ought to take your shoes off
05:34oh certainly why didn't you tell me mary
05:37i can't dance with shoes on
05:38here rochester help me take them off
05:40okay hold tight
05:41and incidentally mary you should have worn
05:43some kind of a costume yourself
05:44well gee i didn't know what to wear
05:46oh you could have thought
05:47rochester i said take my shoes off
05:50i'm trying
05:50well pull
05:51okay
05:52there
05:55now take the other shoe off
06:03say mary i got an idea how you can dress
06:05why don't you go upstairs
06:06and put on one of my old suits
06:08i used to wear in vaudeville
06:09where'll i find it
06:10they're in the big trunk in my
06:11thanks
06:12and they're in the big trunk in my bedroom
06:16gee it feels kind of good to go barefoot
06:18look who wants to get in the navy
06:20with those fallen arches
06:21mary i've told you a thousand times
06:23my arches are not fallen
06:25then why do you make a footprint like a wedgie
06:27because i like to keep up with the style
06:31now go upstairs and put on one of my old suits
06:33and get in the spirit of things
06:34okay
06:35rochester don't stand
06:37they're holding my shoes
06:38put them away
06:38well the right one's got a lot of those
06:40old big one dollar bills in it
06:42stop making things up
06:49there's nothing in that shoe
06:50but an insole
06:51green ain't it
06:52put them away
07:01i know exactly how much is in there
07:03yeah i wish the gang would get here
07:06say dennis
07:06yes please
07:07uh what are you going to sing on the program sunday
07:09well i don't know mr benny
07:10i haven't picked anything out yet
07:12oh
07:12well look dennis
07:13there's a brand new number out now
07:15called do you know why
07:16it's a song that mary martin
07:18sings to me in my new picture
07:19the one you made with fred allen
07:20shut up
07:21and it'll fit you perfectly
07:24look there's a copy of it on the piano
07:25run over it for me will you
07:26okay mr benny
07:27and by the way dennis
07:28whenever you refer to that picture in the future
07:31just say the one i made with mary martin
07:33i'll leave fred allen out of it
07:35why
07:36because if you don't i'll put my shoe back on
07:38and kick a field goal with a certain young tenor
07:41understand
07:42yeah three points
07:44oh sing
07:46darn this gardenia keeps flipping off my ear
07:49very good dennis
08:00that'll sound great on the program
08:02yeah i think it'll be swell
08:03wonder what's keeping filling down
08:04we want to go out tonight and have some fun
08:06see mr benny
08:07while we're alone
08:08do you mind if i ask you a personal question
08:10no what is it
08:11well how come i only got 35 cents
08:13for mowing your lawn last week
08:14what
08:21i used to get 50
08:22didn't i do a good job
08:24well of course dennis
08:25but you see 35 cents is the winter rate
08:28the grass doesn't grow as high in the winter
08:32oh that's right
08:33certainly
08:33i'm sorry i mentioned it
08:35oh
08:35oh
08:36that's
08:38that's okay
08:39you're not mad are you
08:40no
08:41no
08:42no
08:42you had a legitimate complaint
08:45no
08:45don't hesitate to speak up dennis anytime
08:48and incidentally
08:49i wish you'd watch those
08:50oh rochester
08:54yes boy
08:56there's someone at the door
09:00i'm fixing the popcorn
09:02answer the door
09:04now go ahead
09:16yes sir
09:17don't go with all this walking
09:18i might as well be a pigeon
09:20i never saw anybody that hated doors though
09:25hello mr wilson
09:27hello rochester
09:28hi jack
09:29dennis
09:29hello mr wilson
09:30say i thought you'd never
09:32what's that supposed to be don
09:34a black costume with white lines all over it
09:36why don't you get it
09:37no
09:38what are you
09:38i'm a skeleton
09:39a skeleton
09:47yes
09:48these white lines create the illusion
09:50oh
09:50well those chins cancel it
09:52by the way don
09:57how do you like my outfit
09:58oh
09:58it's very attractive jack
09:59but aren't you afraid of catching cold
10:01no
10:01i'm all right
10:02here i am fellas
10:03how do i look
10:04well very
10:05what are you supposed to be
10:06a ham
10:07this is one of jack's old suits
10:08from vaudeville
10:09yep i wore that suit
10:12in every theater
10:13on the orpheum circuit
10:14look at those big checks
10:15and pearl buttons
10:16it's a little loud
10:16isn't it mr benny
10:17well of course
10:18nobody wears a suit
10:19that flashy nowadays
10:21they don't eh
10:22no
10:23boys on central avenue
10:24we got pole bears
10:25that dress louder than that
10:26i believe you
10:37what a suit
10:40get a load of these
10:41tops on the sleeves
10:42well it was all the rage
10:43gee when i used to walk out
10:45on the stage in that outfit
10:46i was a sensation
10:47what are those red spots
10:48all over the suit jack
10:49those red spots
10:50i don't know
10:51they tomatoed him
10:52in toledo
10:53they tomatoed him
10:55in toledo
10:56now wait a minute mary
11:02that's a fib
11:03when i played toledo
11:04it was winter time
11:04and tomatoes
11:05were out of season
11:06you were so bad
11:07they shipped him in
11:08listen miss livingston
11:10toledo was one
11:11of my best towns
11:12i used to be a
11:13open up
11:15open up in there
11:16hey fellas
11:17there's bill harris
11:17wait he sees me
11:18in this hula costume
11:19answer the door rochester
11:20here i go again
11:22answer it
11:23is my gardenia
11:24on straight mary
11:24yes yes
11:25good evening mr harris
11:27hello roch
11:28hiya fellas
11:29hello phil
11:29hiya mr harris
11:30and there's mary
11:31how's your cold baby
11:32oh a lot better phil
11:33that's swell
11:34say who's the old dame
11:37in the grass skirt
11:38old dame
11:43this is me
11:43i'm a hawaiian princess
11:45what are you doing
11:45later toot
11:46now cut that out
11:47i wouldn't laugh
11:52at anyone else's
11:52costume phil
11:53what are you made up
11:54for in that outfit
11:55well i'm julius caesar
11:56you know the guy
11:57that was nuts about
11:57cleopatra
11:58julius caesar
11:59you know he was
12:00a roman umpire
12:01that's emperor
12:10what a dodo
12:12phil umpire
12:13is what
12:13is what caesar rules
12:15jack that's empire
12:16don a skeleton
12:18should be seen
12:18and not heard
12:19phil i gather
12:22that you're studying
12:23ancient history now
12:24you know mary
12:24phil goes to night school
12:26he's trying to
12:26broaden his mind
12:27you ought to
12:27clean it up too
12:28you said it
12:35all right mary
12:36all right
12:36you don't have
12:37to get derogatory
12:38there he goes
12:41with derogatory again
12:42he learns one big word
12:44in night school
12:44and he's gonna run it
12:45right out of the dictionary
12:46say don
12:48are you going to
12:49hey fellas
12:49you know who wrote
12:50the first american dictionary
12:51noah webster
12:52all right phil
12:55we know that
12:56jack i'm getting hungry
12:57when are we going to eat
12:58pretty soon now
12:59all right rochester
13:00let's get things
13:00rolling around here
13:01serve the refreshments
13:02okay
13:03will you have a glass
13:04of sweet cider
13:04miss limston
13:05yes thank you
13:06mr day
13:07mr wilson
13:07thanks
13:08thanks rochester
13:09how about you
13:09mr harris
13:10will you have
13:10a glass of sweet cider
13:11absolutely not
13:13i would have
13:13bet on that
13:14rochester no comment
13:17now pass that
13:18lovely tray of hors d'oeuvres
13:19the what
13:20the hors d'oeuvres
13:21you mean them
13:21little things
13:22you're eating
13:22eating
13:23you ain't at nothing
13:24yes just pass the tray
13:28how's the cider dennis
13:30whoopee
13:31boy what an imagination
13:33one more drink
13:35and you'll go out
13:35and get tattooed
13:36yeah
13:37now dennis
13:38get up off the floor
13:39and uncross your eyes
13:40showing off on sweet cider yet
13:51pass the olives
13:52will you phil
13:53here you are
13:53gee you look cute
13:54in that outfit mary
13:55where'd you get the suit
13:56this is the one jack
13:57used to wear in vaudeville
13:58yes sir
13:59i wore that suit
14:00in every theater
14:01in the country
14:01hey jack
14:02look what i found
14:03in the pocket
14:03an old program
14:04no kidding
14:05yeah from the globe theater
14:07kansas city mo
14:08oh yeah
14:09who was mo
14:09the manager
14:10wise guy
14:11who was mo
14:15the globe theater
14:17eh
14:17you were the headliner
14:18weren't you jack
14:19i sure was
14:20who was on the bill
14:20that week mary
14:21here it is
14:22swains cats and rats
14:24pink mules
14:25powers elephants
14:27uh-huh
14:27cinnigan fleas
14:28and jack banning
14:29oh yes
14:34i never will forget
14:35that week
14:36i felt like frank butt
14:37well
14:38let's have something to eat
14:40then we can go out later
14:40and have some fun
14:41yeah i want to ring doorbells
14:42and run like the dickens
14:43don control yourself
14:45oh rochester
14:47yes boss
14:48did you invite
14:49mr billingsley
14:50our boarder
14:50to come down
14:51and join the party
14:52you shouldn't have
14:53let him come down here
14:53boss
14:54i think he's cuckoo
14:55oh you always think that
14:57what's he done now
14:58remember that coil of rope
14:59he brought up to his room
15:00the other day
15:01coil of rope
15:02yes
15:02well he's sitting on the floor
15:04playing a flute to it
15:05oh
15:11why didn't you take
15:12the rope away from him
15:13i tried to
15:14and it hissed at me
15:15oh stop dreaming things up
15:22and ask mr billingsley
15:23to come down here
15:24hey jack
15:25look what else i found
15:26in your coat
15:26what
15:27it's a letter
15:27from an old girl
15:28of yours
15:29an old girl
15:30yes it's signed loopy
15:31oh loopy herman
15:34oh yeah
15:37from upper sandusky
15:39gee whiz
15:41it's written way back
15:42in 1911
15:43yeah oh boy
15:44she was pretty
15:44what does she say mary
15:45now mary
15:46don't you dare
15:46read that letter
15:47it's personal
15:48my own sweet jack
15:49mary
15:50oh be a sport jackson
15:51let her alone
15:52oh
15:52my own sweet jack
15:53i have written that
15:54remnant
15:55but so far
15:55i have not received
15:56an answer
15:57when am i gonna
15:58hear from you
15:58what
16:01you
16:02the dame's illiterate
16:03oh fine
16:06one week in night school
16:07and he's a critic
16:08get this fellas
16:10now mary
16:11i'll never forget
16:12the first time we met
16:13in front of the
16:13cameo theater
16:14our meeting was
16:17very romantic
16:17although i liked
16:19to die
16:19when you whistled
16:20at me and yelled
16:21hello chicken
16:22let's fly the coop
16:23give me that letter
16:29pop is afraid
16:30for me to marry you
16:31because he does
16:31not like actors
16:32but if you still
16:34want me
16:34i'm the apple
16:35in your lie
16:36like what you said
16:37girls were silly
16:38in those days
16:39now give me that letter
16:40p.s i forgot to tell you
16:41a horse ran away
16:42with me last tuesday
16:43i wished it was used
16:45mary give me that letter
16:48or tear it up
16:49why jackson
16:49i can't understand
16:50you going out
16:51with a dame
16:51that ignorant
16:52phil you were
16:53spelling harris
16:54with one r
16:54up to last week
16:55you're never right
16:58now wait a minute jack
17:00phil may not be
17:01so hot in english
17:02or history
17:02but he's not so dumb
17:04oh yeah
17:04you just don't
17:05understand him
17:06that's all
17:07i don't understand him
17:08no
17:08that a girl mary
17:09come here phil
17:10i want to tell you
17:11something
17:11what is it kid
17:12well listen to this
17:13you know phil
17:14i'm critical
17:16and analytical
17:17where you're concerned
17:19i've learned just
17:20what you're all about
17:21you mean mary
17:22that you think
17:23you've really
17:23got me figured out
17:25i think so
17:26you're kind of slow
17:29at working out
17:31puzzle or trick
17:32but when it comes to love
17:36you catch on quick
17:37but look mary
17:39i'm only wasting time
17:41at bridge
17:42i don't seem
17:43to click
17:44but when it comes to love
17:47you catch on quick
17:48well there's a lot
17:49there's a lot of other
17:49things i know
17:50i'm kind of
17:50yeah
17:50where's alaska
17:52alaska's right up
17:53when is christmas
17:55christmas is the
17:56twenty
17:57who was lincoln
17:58oh i'll bet you
17:59i'm wrong
18:00whatever i'm thinking
18:01you're not a whiz
18:03you're not a whiz
18:03at any quiz
18:04your mind
18:05just won't tick
18:06but when it comes to love
18:09you catch on quick
18:10well ask me something else
18:11go ahead
18:11now ask me something
18:12you don't know
18:13what it's all about
18:15when you wave that stick
18:17well the stick
18:18but when it comes to love
18:20i catch on quick
18:21and even though
18:25you have a band
18:26you can't play a lick
18:28maybe not honey
18:29but when it comes
18:30to smooching
18:31i catch on quick
18:33ask me something
18:33about music
18:34will you
18:34all right bill
18:35anything
18:35what's the downbeat
18:37a downbeat is
18:37when you bring up
18:38what's the half note
18:39that little round thing
18:41what's the ballad
18:43i'll bet you
18:43it's something
18:44that comes with a salad
18:46you couldn't find
18:47your way around
18:48with shovel or piss
18:50but when it comes to love
18:53we catch on quick
18:55yes sir
19:04say that's cute
19:06you know
19:07hey don
19:07come here a minute
19:08i've got something
19:09i want to tell you
19:10what is it jack
19:10listen
19:11you're kind of slow
19:13at playing golf
19:14with spoon or nibbling
19:16but when it comes to food
19:19you catch on quick
19:20yeah
19:22i'm not so good
19:24at outdoor sports
19:25i don't seem
19:26to click
19:27but when it comes
19:29to food
19:30i catch on quick
19:31you sure do don
19:32hey listen
19:33what's strawberry
19:35delish
19:37what's raspberry
19:38to taste
19:39what is jello
19:41it's easy to make
19:43boy and to taste swallow
19:44you're not a whiz
19:46at any quiz
19:47your mind
19:48just won't pick
19:49but when it comes
19:51to food
19:52i catch on quick
19:53and he means
19:54jello
19:55when it comes to food
19:57we catch on quick
19:59say that was great
20:12we ought to sing that
20:12sunday don
20:13make a note of it
20:14will you mary
20:14let me do it
20:15i'm practicing writing
20:16all right phil
20:22all right
20:22you can do it
20:23well
20:25it's mr billingsley
20:26good evening
20:27good evening
20:28mr benny
20:28entertaining your friends
20:30i see
20:30yes
20:33yes
20:35won't you join us
20:36no thank you
20:37i was just going out
20:38that's too bad
20:39say that's quite an outfit
20:40you're wearing
20:40yes i'm napoleon
20:41well
20:42there's nothing like
20:44dressing up on halloween
20:45oh is this halloween
20:47goodbye
20:47i wish he wouldn't drag
20:54that halibut
20:55across my rug
20:56hey fellas
21:02fellas what do we do now
21:03let's go out
21:04and ring doorbells
21:05okay
21:06if i hear another doorbell
21:07i'll scream
21:08too bad about you
21:09come on fellas
21:10let's go
21:10now wait a minute
21:11mary wants me to do
21:12my hula dance
21:13don't you mary
21:14yeah i can hardly wait
21:15hey don
21:15get a load of this
21:16i learned it in honolulu
21:17say rochester
21:18get your guitar
21:19here it is on the piano
21:20i want a little hula music
21:22for atmosphere
21:22do you know
21:23a little brown girl
21:24millions of them
21:26i mean the song
21:34now come on
21:35oh jack you're not
21:35going to dance
21:36with that cigar
21:37in your mouth
21:37joe frisco does
21:38come on rochester
21:39one two
21:41it's not the island fair
21:43that is calling to me
21:44dun dun dun dun dun
21:46dun dun dun dun dun
21:47let the boy wiggle
21:48dun dun dun dun
21:48bum bum bum bum
21:50oh jack
21:50jack stop
21:51da da da da
21:52jack stop
21:53your grass skirt's
21:54on fire from your cigar
21:55oh my goodness
21:57look at the smoke
21:58hey put me out
21:59put me out
21:59still throw some water
22:00on him
22:01throw the cider
22:02it's no good anyway
22:03well do something
22:05oh my eye
22:06i can't see out of my
22:06right eye
22:07i'm blind
22:08that's your gardenia
22:09pull it up
22:09oh yeah
22:11well somebody do something
22:12i'm getting hot
22:12i'll get some water
22:13out of the kitchen
22:14i can't wait for that
22:15open that door
22:15i'm gonna dive in the
22:16swimming pool
22:17dang way
22:18hey boss
22:19boss
22:20come back
22:20what's the matter
22:21rochester
22:21i just drained all
22:22the water
22:23out of the pool
22:23my goodness
22:26he's out on the
22:26diving board
22:27here i go
22:28whee
22:29yikes
22:31jeepers
22:34creepers
22:35i'm gonna kill
22:35somebody
22:36rochester
22:37rochester
22:39who's out on the
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