- 17 hours ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Hey!
00:02Hey!
00:04Hey!
00:06Hey!
00:08Costello, where have you been? Look at you.
00:10Your clothes are dripping wet.
00:12Your shoes, what happened to you?
00:14Oh, I stopped to get a drink at the faucet outside the street.
00:16Faucet? Yeah. You dummy, that's no faucet.
00:18That's a fire hydrant.
00:20Fire hydrant? Yeah. No wonder I went
00:22halfway to Pomona by gutter.
00:24Gee, gee, gee.
00:26I gotta get these wet clothes off.
00:28Because I have...
00:30If I don't...
00:32What's the matter?
00:34Please.
00:36How many times have I told you when you sneeze,
00:38sneeze the other way? I don't
00:40know any other way.
00:42Please, talk sense, will you?
00:44Do you realize you've probably
00:46caught a cold? Do you want the germs to spread?
00:48Oh, I won't let them spread. How can you
00:50keep germs from spreading? I'll make them wear a girdle.
00:52Stop.
00:54Now, that's ridiculous. You've got a cold
00:56cold in your head. How are you going
00:58to keep that cold in your head from going down
01:00into your chest? I'll tie a knot
01:02in my neck.
01:04Hey, yeah, but what are you talking about?
01:06You're not so healthy. Oh, I'll have you know my friend
01:08that I keep regular hours.
01:10Every night I go to bed with the chickens.
01:12How do you all get in that little coop?
01:14No, no, I'm trying to tell you that I go
01:16to bed early. And I'm up at the crack
01:18of dawn. Then I go out and chop wood for
01:20breakfast. Chop wood for breakfast?
01:22How can you eat that stuff?
01:24Listen, Costello, I chop
01:26wood for exercise. For example,
01:28every morning I jump out of bed and crawl
01:30around the room on all fours. You crawl
01:32around on all fours? Yes.
01:34That's the athlete in me. Athlete?
01:36That's the monkey in you, brother.
01:38Oh, hey,
01:40here's Ken Niles. Say, I'm glad you
01:42dropped in, Ken. Take a look at Costello.
01:44He doesn't feel very well. Oh, just let
01:46some of the air out of his head. He'll be all right.
01:51I mean, you got a lot
01:52of Niles. You got a lot of nerve there, Niles.
01:54I mean, talking like that. With such a swell
01:56head like you got. Oh, I'll have you know
01:58I'm not swell headed. Oh, yeah?
02:00You're the only guy I know who gets the mumps above the ears.
02:04Now, take it easy, Costello. You're a sick man.
02:06Who's a sick man? I'm all right.
02:08I just got a little, little, little
02:10ack, ack, ack, ack.
02:12Ack!
02:14Good heavens, bud. Did you hear
02:16Costello sneeze? What's wrong with
02:18the way a little, the way I sneeze with a little thing
02:20like that? What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?
02:22Well, if you have to sneeze, why don't you sneeze with your
02:24mouth closed? I tried that once and blew out
02:26three of my teeth.
02:28Now, wait a minute, Costello.
02:30Your sneezing is dangerous. I can catch
02:32your cold. Then go home and my
02:34beautiful wife will get it in her lovely throat.
02:36Her lovely throat? Yes, Costello.
02:38Costello, Mrs. Niles, has a neck like a swan.
02:40Yes, and she's got red
02:42feet to match.
02:44Oh, I heard
02:46that remark. And, Mr. Costello, you might
02:48be interested in knowing that all my
02:50friends think I have perfect features.
02:52Is that your nose, or are you looking through a
02:54purse scoop?
02:56Oh, stop that. Don't
02:58pay any attention to Costello, Mrs. Niles.
03:00You see, he's got a cold and we're trying to help him.
03:02Well, you know the old saying, starve
03:04a cold. Now, the first thing to do
03:06is to put him on a diet. No
03:08carbohydrates, no starches,
03:10no liquids, and no solids.
03:12You think you can stick to that
03:14diet, Costello? Sure.
03:16Then what? Then Kenneth and I'll
03:18split your rations. Oh, nice
03:20point. I heard you the
03:22first time. You're going to split it.
03:24Oh, it was almost a wonderful
03:26joke, Poochie.
03:28Oh, don't say that, darling.
03:30You're my Poochie. Oh, no, no.
03:32You're my Poochie. Oh, no.
03:34You're my Poochie. If there's a
03:36dog catcher in the house, what are you waiting for?
03:38Oh.
03:47Come, Kenneth.
03:48And as for you, Costello, I hope your cold
03:50is nothing trivial.
03:52Well, I don't blame them for going out.
03:54The only way to avoid the flu
03:56is to flee. What's that?
03:58I mean, you've got to flee flu.
04:00Gotta flee flu? What kind of
04:02fuck is that? I'm trying to tell you, the only
04:04way to be free from flu is to
04:06flee when flu flies.
04:08When there's flu,
04:10everybody flees.
04:12Did you say flees? Certainly.
04:14I flee, you flee, he flees,
04:16she flees. What, I got a cold or a
04:18flea circus?
04:20You don't understand. To avoid the flu,
04:22you've got to flee.
04:24I gotta flee. Get them off of me, then. Get them off.
04:26I don't want any fleas. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:28I don't, I don't mean fleas like
04:30like flies.
04:32Oh, let the fleas like flies.
04:34I don't want to break up no romance.
04:36Look, it has nothing to do
04:38with fleas and flies.
04:40I'm trying to tell you, to avoid the
04:42flu, you must flee.
04:44The only way to be free from flu
04:46is to flee when flu flies.
04:48Oh, you mean that to be free
04:50from flu, I gotta flee when flu flies.
04:52And the fleas and flies have got nothing
04:54to do with the flu. Now you've got it.
04:56Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
05:00Well, let me put it this way. You're in the house.
05:02You open the window, and a cold
05:04germ comes in. A cold germ
05:06comes in? Yes. What would you do?
05:08Give him a cup of hot tea. Who wants to sip and drink?
05:10Now that's crazy.
05:12This cold germ attacks you,
05:14and immediately starts to
05:16germinate. Before you know it, you've got
05:18a lot of nasty germs rushing through
05:20your system. According to my system,
05:22the Russians are rushing through
05:24the Nazi Germans.
05:32Well, that's true, Costello, but
05:34I'm talking about flu germs. Do you
05:36realize the germs travel with the speed of
05:38light? Not one little sneeze.
05:40What?
05:42There you are.
05:44There you are. The germs are off.
05:46They've already traveled from California
05:48to Maine. They are now crossing the Atlantic.
05:50I didn't even say goodbye to them.
05:52Costello, right now,
05:54at this very minute, someone in Europe
05:56is catching your cold.
05:58Hello?
06:08Well, I sure fixed it out.
06:10What do you mean?
06:20He's just sneezing now.
06:22The coffin will come later.
06:24Blue, now get me out of this bed.
06:38Now come on, get me out.
06:40Now stop that screaming, Costello.
06:42You want me? Just pull that cord
06:44by the bed. Oh, I did. And what happened?
06:46My pajamas fell down.
06:48If I had to stay in bed, why don't you give me
06:50some attention? What are you talking about?
06:52Didn't I, didn't I put some cracked ice
06:54on your head? Yeah, but you didn't have to wait
06:56until you got the ice on my head before you cracked it.
06:58However, for the last time, I'm telling you,
07:00what am I doing in bed? Well, it's
07:02part of the health-building course I got
07:04from Professor Hercules.
07:06Starting tomorrow morning, you're going to get out of bed
07:08at five o'clock. Then at five-ten...
07:10Back in bed. No.
07:12No, no. At five-ten, you jump
07:14into a nice, cold shower. And I whistle.
07:16You don't whistle. I gotta whistle.
07:18Why? Well, there's no
07:20lock on a bathroom door.
07:22Right.
07:26Now, pay attention. At five-ten,
07:28you jump into the shower. Can't you just
07:30feel the ice-cold water coming down
07:32your back?
07:34Now, stop that.
07:36Stop that.
07:38Stop it. Then at
07:40five-twenty... Back in bed with a hot water bottle.
07:42Listen.
07:44At five-twenty, you take a bouncing
07:46horseback ride.
07:48Five-forty... Back in bed, face down.
07:50Then at six o'clock,
07:52an hour of wrestling. Seven o'clock,
07:54two hours of handball.
07:56Nine o'clock, you walk thirty miles with a
07:58heavy pack on your back. And twelve
08:00to one, you climb a mountain.
08:02Twelve to one, I don't make it.
08:06Aw, you idiot.
08:08You never listen to me. Just wait
08:10till you see Hercules.
08:12Exercise has given him bulging biceps,
08:14rippling muscles, a massive
08:16chest. He's the strongest
08:18man in the world. The mighty Hercules.
08:22Come in.
08:24I am the mighty Hercules.
08:26Honest I am.
08:28Honest!
08:30You see, Costello?
08:32Take a look at Hercules.
08:34Get a load of that muscle.
08:35What muscle?
08:36The last time I saw a muscle like that
08:38was on a sparrow's ankle.
08:40You know, I could chalk his head
08:41and use him for a pool cue.
08:42Hey, Costello.
08:43Well, he reminds me of a radio program
08:45I heard.
08:46One man's famine.
08:49Mr. Costello, as I analyze your case,
08:51my treatment for you should not be pissed down.
08:54Let me show you what my course can do for you.
08:56Hand me the telephone book and I will tear it.
08:59Are you ready?
09:02And now the second page.
09:14Hello, Hercules. What's so great about that?
09:16I can bend bars with my bare hands.
09:18Costello, now don't be silly.
09:20You're talking to the mighty Hercules.
09:22Yeah, Mr. Costello.
09:23I'm a master muscle.
09:25You're a mess of something, brother.
09:26And while I'm on a subject,
09:28you ain't seen nothing yet.
09:29Just feel my muscle.
09:30Where is it?
09:31All I can feel is one little core muscle.
09:33Yeah.
09:34But ain't it got a hard head?
09:38Look, Abbott, for the last time I tell you,
09:39there's nothing wrong with it.
09:40Now you gotta get me out of this bed.
09:41Now give me a lift.
09:42All right.
09:45What was that?
09:46I got the nose caught in the back spring.
09:48Come in.
09:53Good evening, gentlemen.
09:55I'm Peter Lawrence.
10:05Oh, Mr. Costello, I've come here to offer you the services of my sanitarium.
10:09I understand your health is run down.
10:12Now, wait a minute, Laurie.
10:13Who told you all this?
10:14Oh, now, but you see, I get messages through my brain.
10:17My mind is like an open door.
10:20What do you hear from the knob?
10:28Quiet, Custer.
10:29Let me handle this.
10:30Mr. Laurie, you say you have a private sanitarium?
10:33Oh, yes, and it's just the place for Mr. Costello.
10:36It is out in the woods, in a very lonely spot,
10:41where you can get away from it all.
10:44Far, far away.
10:47I don't wanna get that far away!
10:51Get me close to the town now!
10:54Get a lot of people around me, too!
10:56Ring those bells!
10:57Blow those horns!
10:58Blow those horns!
11:01Please, don't, please.
11:02Noise!
11:03I've got to have it!
11:04When you go around, I've got to have noise.
11:06But please, Mr. Costello, you're scaring me.
11:10I'm scaring you!
11:13That's so there's no sense in shouting.
11:16That's right, Mr. Costello.
11:17Let us speak low.
11:19I don't want to speak low.
11:20I always talk loud.
11:21Hooray!
11:22Happy New Year!
11:23No, not, everybody!
11:24Here's some John Charles Thomas.
11:27On the road to man, go to man!
11:30Stop, stop, stop, stop!
11:31The world!
11:32The world!
11:33The world!
11:34The world!
11:35The world!
11:37Just a minute.
11:38Please.
11:39The world!
11:40The world!
11:41The world!
11:45The world!
11:47The world!
11:49That's enough, that's enough.
11:50Hey, they like it!
11:51Yeah, never mind.
11:53Look, pay no attention to him.
11:55Who is this Frank Sinatry?
11:57Never mind.
11:58Pay no attention to him, Mr. Lorry.
12:00I'll bring Costello out to your sanitarium tonight.
12:03Oh, yes, please.
12:04And at midnight, I hope.
12:06When the moon is down.
12:08No, tomorrow when the sun is up.
12:10Way up!
12:11Where do you like, brother?
12:12We're going to turn on a searchlight.
12:14Costello, you're acting like an idiot.
12:16Yes, Mr. Costello.
12:17I have had thousands of patients at my sanitarium,
12:20and I've never had one of them complain.
12:22You know what that proves, don't you?
12:24Yes, sir.
12:25Dead men tell no tales.
12:35And now back to Habitant Costello,
12:37who are en route to Peter Lorry's sanitarium.
12:39The time is midnight.
12:50Well, Costello,
12:57we'll be at Peter Lorry's sanitarium in a minute.
13:00He's a great doctor, Costello.
13:01He'll see that you get some rest in peace.
13:03That's what bothers me.
13:04I don't want to rest in peace.
13:06Quiet.
13:07Listen, a friend of mine was just about to die,
13:10and Dr. Lorry pulled him over the hump.
13:12Which way?
13:12Well, here it is.
13:21Peter Lorry's sanitarium.
13:241313 Gravesend Road.
13:26What an address!
13:27Look at the sign on the gate.
13:30Deliver all bodies in the rear.
13:32Woo!
13:33All right, now stop complaining.
13:35Look how quiet and peaceful it is out here.
13:38That's the first robin I've heard this spring.
13:45Oh, shut up.
13:47Quite a part, wasn't it?
13:49You know, Lou,
13:51this is the kind of a place
13:53I've always wanted to visit.
13:55Look at that green stuff.
13:57Clean to the gate.
13:58That green stuff?
13:59Me!
14:01Now, don't be such a coward.
14:03Go ahead up to the door and knock.
14:05Oh, so you think I'm a coward, huh?
14:06Okay, yeah, but I'll prove you that I'm...
14:08I'll prove you I'm a hero.
14:09I'll be brave.
14:10I'll show you what I'm made of.
14:11I'll knock on a door.
14:12I'll go in there.
14:14But before I do it,
14:15there's just one thing
14:16I want you to do for me.
14:17What's that?
14:17Fuck me out of it.
14:20No, none of that.
14:21Go ahead and knock on the door.
14:23Don't be afraid.
14:24Why, Peter Lorry may not even be at home.
14:26He's home all right.
14:27How do you know?
14:27I see a straitjacket
14:28hanging on the line.
14:30Now, Stella, once and for all,
14:31will you please knock on the door?
14:33Okay.
14:34All right.
14:38How do you do, gentlemen?
14:43Did you ring?
14:44No, I knocked.
14:51I thought I heard you whistle.
14:54Let me have your hat, please.
15:00Don't you want the coat, too?
15:02No, just the hat.
15:04Just the hat?
15:05Who are you?
15:06I have a skull.
15:08I'm just going out for a war.
15:12Come on, Abbott.
15:13That's all.
15:13Let's get out of here!
15:16Quiet.
15:17Here comes Peter Lorry.
15:18Ah, good evening, gentlemen.
15:20Welcome to my sanitarium.
15:22Now, come, Mr. Costello.
15:23Let me take you over.
15:24Here.
15:24Go to the fire.
15:26Come on.
15:26No pushing, Lorry.
15:26Quit shoving.
15:27Hey, Abbott.
15:28Help me now.
15:28Come on.
15:29Help me out of here.
15:29Costello.
15:30The guy's pushing me to the fire.
15:31No, nothing of the kind.
15:32What's the matter with you?
15:33Yes, I mean you no harm.
15:35It's cold out tonight.
15:36You must be killed.
15:37I mean, sure.
15:39I heard you the first time, brother.
15:42Get what I'm calling brother.
15:44Please.
15:45Please do not excite yourself, Mr. Costello.
15:47All I want you to do is to take a pill.
15:50I'm not taking no pill.
15:51I'm taking a powder.
15:53Now.
15:54Come on, Abbott.
15:55Wait a minute, Costello.
15:56If you want to hear your cold, you've got to listen to Dr. Lorry.
16:00Abbott, I'm not sick.
16:01All I did was let out a little, a little, a little, a little, a sneeze.
16:07You see, you must not minimize your illness.
16:10Here, take this little blue pill.
16:12I ain't taking no pill.
16:14You heard the man.
16:15Take the blue pill.
16:16Oh, you always went out.
16:17Okay.
16:18Oh.
16:19Very good.
16:20Now take this red pill.
16:21What's the red pill for?
16:22Oh, that's in case the blue pill was poisoned.
16:26Get away with those pills, Mr. Lorry, will you?
16:29Just a minute.
16:31Be calm.
16:32Take it easy.
16:34Relax.
16:34I don't want to relax.
16:36I want to jump.
16:37Come on.
16:37Everybody.
16:38Get up.
16:39Let's dance.
16:39Come on.
16:40I want to do it.
16:42That's right.
16:43I'll leave me with this guy.
16:44You see, Doctor?
16:45You see, Doctor?
16:46Sounds like I'm alone.
16:47I...
16:47You see, Doctor, I told you that Costello was in bad shape.
16:55What he really needs is some exercise.
16:57Oh, splendid.
16:58Let's go out and play some golf.
17:00Golf?
17:01At midnight?
17:02Oh, yes.
17:03Oh, last night I played a playing game with my friend, Frankenstein.
17:06Now, there's a gruesome-thusome.
17:11Oh, it was a very interesting game.
17:14Frankenstein made a hole in one, so I buried him in it.
17:19You know, I play a very hot game.
17:23Hot game?
17:24You probably play in the lower Hades.
17:29The lower Hades.
17:31Oh, Doctor!
17:32Excuse me, please.
17:34That's one of my patients.
17:35Oh, Doctor.
17:35I just killed my keeper.
17:38I just killed my keeper.
17:40Well, but why did you kill him?
17:42He killed me first.
17:45Yeah, but now that guy wasn't kidding.
17:47Now, there's a body behind the couch.
17:49Is he dead?
17:50I can't tell.
17:51His head is missing.
17:53Hey, Costello, look.
17:55The body is getting up.
17:57Abbott, he's coming towards me.
18:00Listen, mister.
18:02You're dead, ain't you?
18:03Yes, I am dead.
18:05Then why aren't you laying down?
18:07If you must know, the floor is too cold.
18:11That's the last straw.
18:12I'm getting out of here.
18:13Now, stop worrying.
18:15There's nothing wrong with this place.
18:17What was that?
18:18One o'clock.
18:19Let's go.
18:19Mr. Costello, I think you're running a temperature.
18:26I must call my assistant.
18:28Who's your assistant, Dracula?
18:29Oh, no, no.
18:30I'm mad at him.
18:31I caught him stealing from my blood bank.
18:35Dr. Laurie, the operating table's all ready.
18:38What?
18:38What operating table?
18:39You ain't operating on me.
18:40I'm not hungry.
18:41You're not hungry.
18:42You heard me.
18:43I don't want any cold cuts.
18:44Oh, I must.
18:46I must insist, Mr. Costello.
18:48My diagnosis shows that the sneeze caused your cold, which caused poison to run through
18:53your system.
18:54Death has affected your appendix, and your appendix must come out.
18:59Put him on the operating table, boys.
19:01The first guy that touches me gets a fat lip.
19:07Now, that's no way to talk.
19:09You must follow your doctor's advice if you ever expect to get well.
19:12Okay, then.
19:13Laurie, I'll let you take out my appendix on one condition.
19:16Good.
19:16What's the condition?
19:17You've got to take it out from the back.
19:19From the back?
19:20From the back.
19:21That's right.
19:22But why?
19:22Because I've got a battleship tattooed on my stomach, and he is liable to sink it.
19:27Oh, yeah.
19:31And now, here's Abbott and Costello with the five old words.
20:01Thanks, Ken.
20:02Well, Peter Laurie, it certainly was nice to have you with us tonight.
20:06Yes, I certainly...
20:07That's not your line, please.
20:08Excuse me.
20:09Oh, thank you, Buck.
20:12Thank you, Mr. Costello.
20:14I hope you didn't mind coming to my sanitarium.
20:16You should come again sometime.
20:17I will.
20:18On visitor's day.
20:19Oh.
20:20Oh, another thing, Mr. Costello.
20:22You should take care of your cold.
20:24You see, flu flies, and in order to be free from flu, you must flee when flu flies.
20:30Say it again, Laurie.
20:31All right, I will.
20:32I mean, without the script.
20:34Oh, get out of here.
20:36Good night, folks.
20:37Good night, everyone.
20:38Good night, Mom.
20:39Good night.
21:09Good night.
21:39Good night.
Recommended
20:22
|
Up next
20:57
21:30
0:42
1:35
1:02
5:07
0:31
0:30
4:17
25:47
Be the first to comment