- 5 months ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service.
00:19Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world.
00:25Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes.
00:28Tonight's guest, Harold Perry, the Great Gildersleeve, and starring Bud Abbott and Lil Costello.
00:42Hey, Abbott!
00:44Now what's wrong?
00:45Oh!
00:46What's wrong now?
00:47Boy, oh boy, oh boy!
00:48Hey, Abbott, a terrible thing just happened.
00:49What happened?
00:49I was invited down to the shipyards where they're building a brand new ship, and I got caught between two guys that was throwing hot rivets.
00:55Then what happened?
00:55What happened?
00:56One of those red hot rivets landed in my back pocket.
00:58Yes?
00:58Before I knew it, I was four miles out to sea.
01:02Under my own steam, too.
01:05How do they save you, Lou?
01:07Did they throw you a breeches, boy?
01:09No, I came back without any breeches, kid.
01:11No, no.
01:13Well, you made a fool of yourself again.
01:16Yeah, but I burned my bridges behind me.
01:18Oh, dark sense.
01:20What were you doing down at the shipyards in the first place?
01:22Hey, I forgot to tell you.
01:23See, Abbott, my cousin Hugo was a sailor down there.
01:26He's in the signal corps.
01:27The signal corps?
01:28Yeah, he keeps signal his mother to get him out.
01:31Oh.
01:32I'm so ashamed of my cousin Hugo.
01:34You are?
01:35I mean, after all, the Costellos have always been very brave people.
01:38My great-grandfather was a colonel in the army.
01:40A colonel?
01:41Yeah.
01:41A colonel?
01:42You dummy, that word...
01:43A colonel, that's a pretty high rock.
01:44No, no, no, not colonel.
01:46It is.
01:46No, no, you see, that word is pronounced colonel.
01:49Colonel?
01:50Yes, colonel.
01:51Where did he fight?
01:52Oh, my uncle.
01:53He fought with the original 13 colonelies.
01:55No, no, Costello.
01:57Costello, that's colony.
01:58Oh, colony.
01:59You said it was colonelies.
02:00No.
02:00Colonelies.
02:01Now, make up your mind.
02:02Look, look, it's very simple.
02:03In military parlance, C-O-L is pronounced car, as in colonel.
02:09Yeah.
02:10Don't you know that?
02:11Oh, no, I never went to college.
02:12Oh.
02:15What me?
02:15Yes, I know.
02:16I quit scurl at the urge of first.
02:18All right, all right, all right, that's enough.
02:21Well, it ain't all right.
02:22After I quit scurl, I got a gerb and vertebral.
02:24A vertebral.
02:24I was a jurglar.
02:25A jurglar?
02:26Look, are you finished?
02:27No.
02:27One more.
02:28What?
02:29Abbott, what?
02:30Oh, that's your line.
02:31Yeah.
02:31Costello.
02:34Well, what is it?
02:35Now, what's next?
02:36Never mind.
02:37That joke sunk.
02:38Skip.
02:38Look, will you cut it out?
02:40I have something important to tell you.
02:41Mrs. Niles called up a few minutes ago,
02:42and she wants you to take care of her nephew, Little Hector.
02:45Not Little Hector.
02:46That ain't for me, brother.
02:47I ain't gonna take care of that little brat.
02:48Why?
02:48Not me, brother.
02:49Oh, now, you mean you don't like Little Hector?
02:51Oh, I like him.
02:53Well, that's swell.
02:53I'd like to give him a present.
02:54What kind of a present?
02:55Oh, a broken shoulder blade.
02:57No.
02:59That's no way to talk.
03:00What did Little Hector ever do to you?
03:02What did he do?
03:02Yeah.
03:03Why, the guy, he poured a bottle of ink in my bathtub last year.
03:06Last year?
03:06Yeah.
03:07Did you speak to him about it?
03:08No, I only discovered it yesterday.
03:13Oh, hey, wait a minute.
03:14Here's Ken and Mrs. Niles now.
03:16We were expecting you, Ken.
03:18Well, I'm sorry I'm late, bud.
03:19My wife and I just got back from a hunting trip.
03:21Yes, I got a moose head.
03:23Well, put a hat over your antlers and nobody will notice it.
03:29Pay no attention to Costello, Mrs. Niles.
03:31He's a little tired.
03:32He just came from launching a ship.
03:34He just launched a ship.
03:35Oh, that must have been a pretty picture.
03:39One tub launching another.
03:47That was wonderful, dear.
03:50That was wonderful.
03:51What a clever remark.
03:52No wonder I go for you.
03:54Oh, and Ken, I go for you.
03:55I go for you.
03:56I go for you.
03:57Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from Mr. and Mrs. Gopher.
04:02I love that.
04:04Come on, now.
04:08Cut it out, Costello.
04:10Say, Mrs. Niles, where's little Hector?
04:12Oh, he's outside playing.
04:14I'll get him.
04:17Hector, darling.
04:18Come in here, dear.
04:20Yes, Annie Niles.
04:21I was looking for Mr. Costello's crazy cat.
04:25Who ever told you I had a crazy cat?
04:27Annie Niles.
04:27She said, wait till I get a load of your silly puss.
04:30See why I hate the kid?
04:36Oh, isn't little Hector cute?
04:39Oh, come here, kid.
04:40I think you're very cute, too.
04:42Come here.
04:42Do me a favor.
04:43Yeah, what?
04:43Let me pinch your windpipe.
04:45Ah, Costello.
04:46Now.
04:47Well, I mean, hey, Hector, look.
04:49Why don't you just walk around the block?
04:50And if you're not back in three days, that'll be fine.
04:53Okay.
04:54Oh, don't mind Hector, Mr. Costello.
04:56He's just faithful.
04:57Why, the other day, he gently kicked me in the face.
05:00Mrs. Niles.
05:01I hope he didn't knock any of your teeth out.
05:03How could he?
05:03She had him in her back pocket all the time.
05:06Oh.
05:08Come, Kenneth.
05:09We'll be back for Hector tonight.
05:12Oh, now listen.
05:13Now, look.
05:13I'm not going to get stuck with this kid, Hector.
05:15Now, look, Hector, come here.
05:16Go on home to your mother, will you, kid?
05:18But my mama ain't home.
05:19She's downtown buying a gun for my old man.
05:23Buying a gun?
05:24Did your father tell her what kind to get?
05:26No.
05:27He doesn't even know she's going to shoot him.
05:30Hey, Abbott, now I tell you, this kid is dangerous.
05:32Oh, come.
05:33He's only playing.
05:34Playing?
05:34Yesterday, he stuck his grandfather's head in the stove and sang,
05:37Smoke gets in your eyes.
05:40Hector, that was a terrible thing to do.
05:42Yeah, it was.
05:42It put the fire out.
05:45Oh, ho, ho.
05:46Little Hector, listen, I know a very good game.
05:48I'll tell you what I'd like to have you do.
05:49I'll turn on the electric fan and you stick your hand in it.
05:52That ain't going to hurt much.
05:53No, no.
05:53I want to play cowboys and Indians.
05:56Look, I brought my BB gun.
05:58Don't point that gun at me.
05:59It might go off.
06:03I need a bullet.
06:05It's not to point it at me.
06:06All right, all right.
06:07Take it easy.
06:07Hey, Abbott.
06:08What?
06:08Show me right in the eye.
06:10Are those BBs in your face?
06:12Well, it ain't caviar.
06:13Here, Pip, give me that thing.
06:16I'm going to shoot the rest of these BBs right out the window.
06:22Oh, boo.
06:24Who shot that gun out of the window?
06:27Who wants to know?
06:28I do.
06:29Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve.
06:38Mr. Gildersleeve, those shots were an accident.
06:41Where did he get you?
06:42Between my bay window and the back porch.
06:46And furthermore, one of those BBs lodged in my head.
06:49Lodged in your head?
06:50I don't believe it.
06:51Shake your head once.
06:52All right, I will.
06:55He's right, Abbott.
06:56Can you imagine a little BB all alone in that big head?
07:00You got a lot of nerve to talk about my head.
07:02The last time I saw a head like yours, it was in a bottle.
07:05Yeah.
07:10Now, now, wait a minute, boys.
07:12Let's settle this thing like gentlemen.
07:14But he ain't going to blame this on me.
07:15Now, it was all that little Hector's fault.
07:16You mean this innocent little child here?
07:18Why, he has an angelic face.
07:20He has a heavenly look.
07:22You got your directions mixed.
07:25Now, look here, Costello.
07:26You're not going to blame this on anybody else.
07:27I demand satisfaction.
07:29Put up your fists and fight like a man.
07:30Okay, Abbott.
07:31This guy's asking for it.
07:32Give me a piece of chalk.
07:33What are you going to do with it?
07:33What am I going to do with it?
07:34I'm going to draw a line right here on the floor.
07:36Right over there.
07:37Now, come on, Gildersleeve.
07:39I dare you to step over that line.
07:42Very well.
07:42I stepped over the line.
07:44Now what?
07:47Now you're on my side.
07:48Little Hector.
08:04Little Hector.
08:05Who put that cat in the piano?
08:07I did.
08:08My teacher told me to practice kipping on the keys.
08:12Now, Abbott, I told you now.
08:13I told you to keep that kid quiet.
08:15I can't sleep.
08:16The noise makes me restless.
08:16Oh, that's just your imagination.
08:18No, it ain't, Abbott.
08:20I was so restless that I tossed and tossed until my nose got caught in my ear.
08:23You got your nose caught in your ear.
08:24Why, that's terrible.
08:25Sure.
08:26I sneezed and almost blew my brains out.
08:30Oh, now, who was that?
08:31Come in.
08:33Good afternoon, Mr. Abbott and Mr. Cospello.
08:37There's Lipple Hector here.
08:38I'm Pommy Pompkins.
08:39I live two blocks down in the sweep.
08:42You live two blocks down the sweep?
08:44What kind of talk is this?
08:46Oh, Mr. Cospello, that's the way Tommy talks.
08:49He can't say the letter T.
08:51He makes it sound like a poof.
08:54Hey, do that again.
08:55It's very cooling.
08:56Look, what did you want with Little Hector, Tommy?
08:58I came over here to practice my music with Lipple Hector.
09:02See, I brought up my trumpet.
09:04Trumpet?
09:04You mean trumpet.
09:06That's it.
09:06It's a trumpet.
09:07Abbott, this guy sounds like a nitwhip.
09:11But Tommy is a very good trumpet player.
09:13You said it.
09:15Mr. Cospello, you're talking for the most horrific trumpet player that ever put a
09:19pirate trumpet from Pimbuck Poo Poo Panacea.
09:24You want to hear me play a poon on my trumpet?
09:26No.
09:27Well, how about the clarinet?
09:28I play the clarinet, the prombone, and the poobah.
09:31Oh, no, you don't play the poobah.
09:32A poobah's what you keep your poof-paste in to brush your peep.
09:38Now the guy's got me talking like him.
09:40Costello, please, don't make fun of Tommy.
09:42He comes from a very high-class family.
09:44He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
09:45Then why don't he take it out when he talks?
09:49Oh, come on, Lipple Hector.
09:51Let's play a Lipple poon.
09:53Mr. Cospello, you want to hear Cole Paupers' Knife and Day?
09:56Knife and Day?
09:58Why don't you play Pip-Pole Prudip-Poolers?
10:03Oh, that's great.
10:04Follow me, Lipple Hector.
10:06In pempo, one, two, three.
10:12That's enough, brother.
10:14I said that's enough, brother.
10:15Will you guys shut up?
10:17Cut it out!
10:18Break it up!
10:18All right, all right.
10:19Look, Hector, why don't you and your friend Tommy go out in the yard and play?
10:22Yeah, here, you can have my football.
10:23The one I used when I used to play with Marquette.
10:25You played with the University of Marquette in Wisconsin?
10:27No, with the fish Marquette in Glendale.
10:29Oh, boy.
10:33Hey, Abbott, look.
10:34Come on, kids.
10:35Now, get out.
10:35Get the kids out, will you, Abbott?
10:36Look, go on out in the backyard and I'll show you how I used to kick the ball.
10:40Now, look.
10:41I'm going to show you the kick that won the great big game.
10:43Here.
10:43Hector, you hold the ball.
10:44I'll kick it.
10:45Abbott, you catch it.
10:46There, but suppose you kick little Hector's head.
10:48Well, you'll have to catch that, too.
10:49Oh.
10:50Okay, kids, get ready.
10:51Here we go.
10:52Who kicked that football through my window?
11:01Hey, it's Kildersleeve.
11:01Let's run.
11:04Now, what's the matter?
11:05What's the matter?
11:06Abbott, that darn clothesline.
11:07Did it get you?
11:08No, I always wear my no-sight saddle.
11:12It didn't get me.
11:13Don't you try to run away, Costello.
11:15You kicked that football through my window.
11:17It bounced off my high boy and put a nick in the leg of my secretary.
11:21Your secretary?
11:22Yeah.
11:23An old Duncan Fife.
11:24Where does she get that stuff?
11:28My secretary's been in my family for 200 years.
11:31Faithful, isn't she?
11:33Oh, keep quiet, Costello.
11:34Well, look, Kildersleeve, the whole thing was an accident.
11:36Costello was just showing us what a great football player he was in school.
11:40In school?
11:40Hmm?
11:41Costello, who'd you ever play for?
11:43Subnormal?
11:46Did you ever have that laugh dry-clean?
11:52Don't try and evade the issue, Costello.
11:53You're talking to the greatest football player who ever went to Princeton.
11:56All right, prove it.
11:57Where are your football pants?
11:58Well, that shows how stupid you are, Costello.
12:01Well, footballs don't wear pants.
12:04Say, Kildersleeve, did you ever play in the Princeton-Yale game?
12:07Oh, I'll never forget that game, Abbott.
12:10I can still picture myself sweeping down the field.
12:12I swept over the 50-yard line, over the 40, the 30.
12:16I swept past the 20-yard line.
12:18As I was sweeping toward the goal line, it happened.
12:21Were you tackled?
12:22No, he broke his broom.
12:30There's only one way to settle this argument.
12:32Why don't you challenge each other to a football game?
12:34That's a great idea, Abbott.
12:35It's the only thing that'll satisfy my honor.
12:38We Kildersleeves are a proud lot.
12:40You're a vacant lot.
12:43I think I got the kid going, Pop.
12:44He's getting mad.
12:46Costello, we'll meet in one hour.
12:48If I should not emerge victorious,
12:50I shall retire to a mountain fastness,
12:52where, as a measure of self-punishment,
12:54I shall wedge my neck in the crotch of a tree
12:56and allow the woodpeckers to peck on my cranium
12:59at regular five-minute intervals.
13:02Yes.
13:03Yeah?
13:04Well, listen, Kildersleeve.
13:05If I don't win this game,
13:06I'm going to retire to the cellar of Tony's Fish Market,
13:08where I will tie myself to a pickle barrel
13:11and have Tony slap me in the puss
13:13with a wet barracuda.
13:14Not every five minutes,
13:16not every three minutes,
13:18not every ten seconds,
13:20but Sunday.
13:22Monday and always.
13:23Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
13:39This is Ken Niles, your sportscaster,
13:40speaking to you direct from Google's parking lot
13:42overlooking the city dump.
13:44There is a strong wind sweeping across the field
13:47at this moment,
13:47and most of the crowd is leaving.
13:48We are about to give you a word picture
13:52of this great football classic
13:53between the Gildersleeve Nanny Goats
13:55and the Costello Morons.
13:59Oh, uh, no, pardon me.
14:00That's, uh, Maroons.
14:04And now, for a last-minute interview,
14:06we take you to Luke Costello's dressing room.
14:08Take it away, Flash Farrell.
14:10Thank you, Ken Niles.
14:11Phew.
14:12This is Flash Farrell
14:13speaking from the Morons' dressing room.
14:17That's me, folks.
14:18Mr. Costello?
14:20I understand that this game
14:22is the result of a personal challenge.
14:23Is it true that you don't know
14:24the meaning of the word trepidation?
14:26That's right.
14:26And is it true that you don't know
14:27the meaning of the word cowardice?
14:29That's right.
14:29You're pretty brave.
14:30No, I'm pretty ignorant.
14:33Take it away, Ken Niles.
14:34Thank you, Flash Farrell.
14:35And now, for a word from the opposing captain,
14:37we switch you to Gildersleeve's dressing room
14:39and Red Harbor.
14:43Thank you, Ken Niles.
14:44Here we are in the Nanny Goats dressing room.
14:47Phew.
14:49Gildersleeve looks in great shape.
14:51Say, Mr. Gildersleeve,
14:52I see you're wearing your old school sweater.
14:54Oh, yes.
14:54Princeton University.
14:55Yes, sir.
14:56I was the biggest PU man on the campus.
15:00Phew.
15:02Thank you, Gildersleeve.
15:03And now, back to Ken Niles.
15:05Okay, Red Harbor.
15:08Both teams are coming on the field now
15:10and we switch to Bud Abbott.
15:11Right, Ken Niles.
15:13Now let's listen to Gildersleeve's Nanny Goats
15:14singing their alma mater.
15:17Manny, Manny.
15:21The Nanny Goats you'll find
15:23will always come from behind
15:24for Alba Manny.
15:27Phew.
15:30Phew.
15:31And now, on the other side of the field,
15:32we pick up Luke Costello's band and glee club.
15:34Pip-ball, protopole app, protopole app, protopole app.
15:44Pip-ball, protopole app with me.
15:49Peem, peem, peem.
15:52Just a minute.
15:55Costello.
16:00Costello, what do you think you're doing here?
16:02Now, don't bother me now, Mrs. Niles.
16:04We're going to play football.
16:05But where's little Hector?
16:06What do you think we're using for a football?
16:08We're going to play again, don't we?
16:11Costello, the game's about to start.
16:12Where's your football helmet?
16:13I don't need a helmet.
16:14But how are you going to protect your head?
16:16I'm wearing my hair piled up this season.
16:21Well, folks, the moment is here
16:22and we take you to the midfield stripe
16:24where the opposing captains are shaking hands
16:26in their usual friendly manner.
16:27Oh, I warn you, Costello.
16:28You try to carry the ball through my line,
16:30and I'll climb you like a tree.
16:32And a monkey like you can do it.
16:36Costello, remember sportsmanship.
16:39I'm not afraid of him, Abbott.
16:40Listen, Costello,
16:41I'll hit you on the top of your head so hard
16:43I'll drive your head down into your ribs.
16:45When you open your eyes,
16:46you'll think you're in jail.
16:49Jiggers!
16:49The cop!
16:50No, no, no, no, no.
16:51No, come here.
16:52Come here, that's...
16:53No, that's the referee.
16:54The cop!
16:55No more patrol wagons!
16:56No, no, no, that's the referee.
16:57It's time I had to stand up.
16:59Now, that's the referee.
17:01All right, boys,
17:02let's start the game,
17:02let's start the game,
17:03let's start the game.
17:06All right!
17:07All right!
17:08All right!
17:10He wins!
17:12Well, the game's about to start.
17:13Costello is kicking off to Gildersleeve,
17:15and Costello's toe meets the big skin.
17:18Wait, wait, wait.
17:20Gee, that was a great kick, Costello.
17:22Gildersleeve's got the ball.
17:23Go ahead and tackle him.
17:24Okay, I got him!
17:25Costello, are you double-jointed?
17:30No.
17:31Why?
17:31Then I think I broke your leg.
17:35The joke's on you.
17:36I always wear my leg in my back pocket.
17:39Hey, I don't like the way you tickle, Gildy.
17:41You mean tackle.
17:42You don't know your football.
17:43I mean tickle.
17:44You don't know your mustache.
17:46Come on, Gilly, let's start the play.
17:48Right.
17:48Signals!
17:49One, two, butt my shoe.
17:50Three, four, shut the door.
17:51Hike!
17:53Costello!
17:55Gildy's running around his own end.
17:56He's running around his own end?
17:58That's a neat trick if he can do it.
18:01Well, quick, grab him.
18:03Come on, grab him.
18:04Oh, ow!
18:05Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah, ha!
18:08Referee!
18:09Referee!
18:09What is this?
18:10Did you see what happened?
18:13Yes, I did, and I penalized you 15 yards for interference.
18:16Interference?
18:17Gildersleeve kicked me right in the push!
18:20I don't believe it.
18:21You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you, Gildy?
18:24No, Uncle Ralph.
18:29Uncle Ralph, this is a frame-up!
18:31Look, stop complaining, Costello.
18:33It's your turn to carry the ball.
18:34Now, let's see you make a touchdown.
18:35Okay, yeah, but watch me.
18:36Signal!
18:37One, two!
18:38What comes after two?
18:40Three.
18:40Oh, three.
18:41I knew he went to subnormal.
18:43Look, I'll call this signal.
18:45One, two, three, four.
18:49Say, Costello, what comes after four?
18:51Six.
18:52No, it's five.
18:53How do you know?
18:54I got my shoes off.
18:55I'm counting on my toes.
18:57Get ready, then.
18:58Signals.
18:59One, two, three, four, five.
19:02Hike!
19:03Oh, boy.
19:04I got the ball, Abbott.
19:05One tackler down.
19:06Two tacklers.
19:07Three tacklers.
19:08I'm going to make a touchdown, Abbott!
19:09No, you won't, Costello.
19:10I'm right in back of you.
19:12I got you.
19:13Uh-oh.
19:15Uh-oh.
19:16Abbott, we can't lose now.
19:18Why not?
19:19I'm out in the open.
19:32Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.
19:35And now, here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.
19:52Thanks, Ken.
19:54Well, Gilly, it was swell to have you with us tonight.
19:57That was a pretty tough football game.
19:59Yes, it was.
20:00I think Costello and I better take inventory.
20:03Let me see now.
20:03Uh, I've got two arms.
20:05And I got two arms.
20:06And I've got two legs.
20:07And I got two legs.
20:08Wait a minute, Gildersleeve.
20:10I'll never be able to face my public again.
20:12Why not?
20:12I'm wearing your hat.
20:14Oh, get out of here.
20:15Good night, folks.
20:17Good night, folks.
20:24Good night, neighbors.
20:25Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show with our special guest,
20:32Miss Janet Blair.
20:33Harold Perry, the great Gildersleeve, appeared tonight through the courtesy of the Kraft Cheese Company.
20:37And remember, camel cigarettes are packed to go around the world.
20:40Camels stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world.
20:46This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.
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