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Flywheel, Shyster, and Flywheel is a situation comedy radio show starring two of the Marx Brothers, Groucho and Chico, and written primarily by Nat Perrin and Arthur Sheekman. The series was originally broadcast in the United States on the National Broadcasting Company's Blue Network, beginning on November 28, 1932, and ending on May 22, 1933.
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00:00From Hollywood, California, the Hotchkiss Packing Company presents the Marx Brothers.
00:30Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Groucho Marx speaking, and already it's not such a good evening.
00:48Tonight, Chico and myself, with the help of that grand musical director, Raymond Page, bring you a slice of life from that crazy world they call Hollywood.
00:55As we drop into your home every Friday night, we're going to try to show you the unsung heroes of the motion picture business, the Hollywood agents.
01:06Those theatrical representatives who get jobs for the actors and actresses in the movie studios.
01:12It's about time these agents were recognized. Look at the stars they've made. Take us, for instance.
01:17Who made us what we are today? Who helped us when we were in need? Who loaned us money when we didn't have a dime?
01:24The Western Loan Company.
01:27Have one of our bonded representatives call at your house next Monday night and take your house away while you're having dinner.
01:34So on with the show, and let the jokes have no age limit.
01:37And while Ray Page sets the scene, we'll get the theatrical office ready for our new business as Hollywood agents, where everything is 10% off, including the agents.
01:50And while Ray Page sets the scene, we'll get the theatrical office ready for our new business.
02:20The Western Loan Company.
02:50And here's the office of the Square Deal Amusement Company, operated by Groucho and Chico Marks.
02:57Representatives of talent for the screen.
03:00Sellers of sensational stars.
03:02Also headquarters for slot machines, pinball games, turkey raffles, and marked cards.
03:07Here they are, Chico and Groucho.
03:09Very irksome, very irksome.
03:20I can't understand it.
03:21We have a business.
03:22We've got a marvelous office here, but nobody comes in.
03:24I wonder why they stay away.
03:26Chico, did you put up that sign on the door?
03:28Yeah, but I couldn't find a sign that said Marks.
03:31The nearest thing I could get was a sign that said Mumps.
03:33Fine office.
03:36Where's my secretary?
03:38Out to lunch.
03:39What time did she leave?
03:40October.
03:43If she's not back by next March, I'll give her two weeks' notice.
03:46A fine office.
03:47Or did I say that?
03:49Chico, why don't you go out and drum up some business?
03:51I would.
03:52Only I don't know what business we're in.
03:53Why, we're Hollywood agents.
03:56We get people, jobs, and pictures.
03:58Do we?
03:59Don't change the subject.
04:01But why do we want to get a people, jobs, and pictures?
04:08Well, we get 10% of their salary.
04:11Don't we have to do anything for the money?
04:13No, we're agents.
04:17I know, but what do we do?
04:19Nothing, we're agents.
04:20Say, I've been an agent for years.
04:28Of course, you should be great as a picture agent.
04:31You've never been able to get yourself a job in pictures.
04:33Well, I nearly got a job one time.
04:36Yeah, and a picture called The Human Race.
04:37Yeah, what happened?
04:38Oh, they said I wasn't the type.
04:44Well, then you'd certainly make a fine agent.
04:47All right.
04:48Well, where do you get of these people you put in the pictures?
04:51How do you find actors?
04:52Just carry a roast beef sandwich down the street and sign up anybody who snaps at her.
04:58Now, go out and sign up some stars.
05:01Say, I got a great idea.
05:03I'll get a Jean Hollow up to the office and sign her up.
05:05Wait a minute.
05:06Jean Hollow has an agent.
05:08Yeah, but it'll be a lot of fun getting her up in the office.
05:10Say, boss, do we charge the ladies the same 10% commission?
05:19We take 10% of everything an actor's gets.
05:22You know, I'm only afraid of one thing.
05:23What's that?
05:24Twins.
05:26Chico, you're a dreamer.
05:31Come on, I'll try you out as an agent.
05:32For example, if you walked into a producer's office, how would you sell them Kate Smith?
05:37Yeah, I don't know.
05:38Why, you'd say, this little lady can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
05:42Oh, dear.
05:45I got the idea.
05:46Come on, try me again.
05:47All right, suppose the studio calls up and wants a leading man like Clark Gable.
05:50What would you do?
05:51Well, you say, this little lady can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
05:56The trouble with you is you can't get your mind off Jean Hollow.
06:02Pardon me.
06:02Are you the monk's brother?
06:05Chico, you don't have to answer that.
06:08You needn't be afraid of me.
06:10I've had the monk's brother.
06:11Yeah, but you haven't had the monk's brother.
06:14Away with false modesty.
06:16What's your name, madam?
06:17Sadie Thompson.
06:18Hey, what's your racket, Miss Thompson?
06:21I was in the California Company of Rain.
06:23I don't remember that.
06:24What was it called?
06:25Local Showers.
06:28Enough of this pitter-patter.
06:30Tell me, my little blood orange, what do you do?
06:32Well, you see, I can sing, play the piano.
06:36And in an emergency, move it.
06:39Miss Thompson, you're wasting our valuable time in jokes.
06:42Would you like to sign up with us?
06:43I should say not.
06:46Don't you remember?
06:47I was in here a month ago.
06:49I gave you my name and address, but you never got me a job.
06:53What are you going to do about it?
06:54I'll give you back your name and address.
06:55Oh, gee, thanks very much.
07:01See, I think you're swell.
07:03Oh, we're not swell.
07:04Ah, you're just being swell.
07:06I'll never forget you for this.
07:08I think you're both swell.
07:10Yeah, we think you're swell, too.
07:12I don't think we're nearly as swell as she is.
07:14You are, but I certainly am not.
07:19That's a certainly swell of you to say that.
07:21Well, goodbye.
07:23It was swell, didn't you?
07:25Well, it was swell seeing you, too.
07:27Swell up and see us again sometime.
07:35This is a fine location.
07:37With the type of people we're getting here,
07:38our main entrance must be on an alley.
07:42Hello, fellas.
07:46Ah, an actor, or does my nose deceive me?
07:49Say, this guy looks swell, too.
07:52No, that's not swell.
07:52Well, it's the past tense, swollen.
07:56My name is Cookie Johnson.
07:59Oh, another piano move, or is it just a piano?
08:03Just a piano.
08:04What do you do for a living?
08:05If you call that living.
08:07Why, I'm a radio comedian.
08:09Oh, a radio comic, eh?
08:10Well, you came to the right place.
08:12There's going to be fireworks around here,
08:14and we need a punk like you.
08:15Are you the man who gets people jobs in pictures?
08:19No, I'm a Hollywood agent, but this is no time for the truth.
08:23Tell me, why do you want to leave the radio to go into pictures?
08:26Well, pictures is high class.
08:28Yes, isn't they?
08:29Oh, you like that, eh?
08:34No.
08:37Who's that?
08:37Oh, this is my partner, Chico Marks.
08:39Any relation to laundry, Marks?
08:48Chico, put on your brass knuckles and shake hands with Mr. Johnson.
08:50How do you do?
08:54Your name is familiar, but I don't know how to do with your face.
08:57I've got a couple of suggestions.
09:00I don't know if I want you guys for my agents.
09:02I don't know if I want an agent.
09:04You can't depend on them.
09:06I read in a paper the other day just about an agent who committed suicide by jumping off a roof.
09:10Oh, don't pay any attention to that.
09:11Why not?
09:12That was me.
09:12It was a publicity stunt.
09:14I'm getting out of here.
09:16Quick, Chico, lock the door.
09:17Hey, wait a minute.
09:18What do you agents charge for commission?
09:20Well, 10% is our fee.
09:22Well, if it's fee, why do you charge 10%?
09:26Quick, Chico, open the door.
09:29You know, I don't like him.
09:30Another thing.
09:31How much salary will you guarantee me?
09:34Chico, get a contract ready, and write in the salary we'll guarantee him.
09:36Okay.
09:37How do you spell coffee and cake?
09:40Hey, if I'm going to sign anything, it's got to be a legal contract.
09:43You can trust us, Mr. Johnson.
09:44We're an old-established firm.
09:46We've been in this location since a quarter past seven.
09:50Here, I'll draw up the contract.
09:51How's this?
09:53Whereas you think you're a comedian, and whereas we think we're agents, and we think we can
09:57get you a job in movies, of course we're not sure, whereas.
10:01For this consideration, you, as claimant, whereas, waive retainer, thereof, whereas.
10:07What's the trouble with this country?
10:11Too many foreigners.
10:13Let me see that contract.
10:15Hey, hey, what do I pay you this 10% for?
10:18That's for overhead.
10:19Yeah, but what's this other 10% for?
10:22That's for underwear.
10:24See here, haven't you guys got any underwear?
10:26Yes, but you know, we live in a changing world.
10:29Now, let's get this straight right now.
10:31Mr. Marks, how much commission do you want?
10:35How much money do you need to live?
10:37Hey, wait, here's another 10%.
10:39Yeah, that's for overcoats.
10:42Well, I'm not going to sign this.
10:43Listen, tub of butter, when you say that, smile.
10:47Yeah, you know what happened to the last guy who didn't sign with us?
10:51No.
10:51What?
10:52He's now a star at MGM.
10:53I'll tell you what I'll do.
10:58You get me a job for $5,000 a week, and I'll give you $50.
11:01Huh.
11:02You'll get us a job for $5,000 a week, and we'll give you $100.
11:06Well, that seems fair enough.
11:07Fine, sign here.
11:09And we'll take you right over...
11:10We'll take you right over to Mr. Pincus's office at the Miracle Studios
11:14and get you starred in a picture called Strike Me Pincus.
11:18Okay, but you've got to put a clause in the contract guaranteeing me worth it.
11:21All right, how's this?
11:23Whereas, if we don't get you a job in four consecutive months,
11:26or four consecutive jobs in one consecutive month,
11:29you're an old maid.
11:31Now sign.
11:33Now wait a minute.
11:34Take it easy.
11:35I can't sign right away with you.
11:37You're strangers.
11:38Strangers?
11:39Oh, you're crazy.
11:40I've known Groucho for years.
11:42Well, that's different.
11:44Now sign.
11:45Where's your pen?
11:46Alcatraz.
11:47He doesn't, not your home.
11:54You have the pen he means.
11:55Here you are.
11:56Thanks.
11:57Wait, there's no pen point in the pen.
11:58That doesn't matter.
11:59I can't write.
12:01Then we're even.
12:02We can't read.
12:03Don't forget the first time I fell in love.
12:19Then came the depression.
12:22You know, once I built a railroad.
12:23Then I ran out of blocks.
12:25It was just before the crash.
12:26I was eating my last chicken dinner.
12:28I was the kid with the drumstick.
12:29Then came the war.
12:34Well, the war wasn't quite that horrible.
12:38Yes, the war.
12:39And I fought and I fought.
12:40But I had to go anyway.
12:47Before, before I knew what I was in the thick of battle.
12:50And then we ran out of ammunition.
12:51All we have is some peas.
12:53So we shell them.
12:55I'll never forget how surprised I was the day
12:57the general stood before me.
12:58He said, Private Marks,
13:00I've had my eye on you for a long time.
13:02I've seen you all through your preliminary training
13:04in groundwork.
13:05And I want you to leave my wife alone.
13:09Of course, I was taken aback.
13:11I was taken aback to the guardhouse.
13:12And when I woke up, I had a black eye.
13:15How proud I was.
13:16My first decoration.
13:18But I found they had stripped me of everything.
13:20My pride was gone.
13:21My honor was gone.
13:22Was your watch gone, too?
13:23No, but I was going.
13:25Then the armistice was declared
13:27and I crawled out of a haystack,
13:28packed up my needle and returned home.
13:30I walked into my little gray cottage
13:32and there was my wife.
13:36That'll give you a rough idea
13:38of what kind of home library page is.
13:40Ah, home.
13:41I can see it now.
13:42A little rose-covered cottage
13:43and there's my wife
13:44standing at the door.
13:46Yeah, how do you know she's standing?
13:48I sold the furniture before I left, stupid.
13:51Ah, home.
13:51What is home without a mother?
13:53Chicko, I ask you,
13:54what is home without a mother?
13:56An incubator.
13:57An incubator.
13:57So when you hear it, Father,
14:01don't run on our dreams.
14:06They'll be paying forever
14:09for you and me.
14:14Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
14:30That was Miss Hollis Short,
14:32Chicko and myself,
14:33rendering one voice
14:34and two counterfeit choruses
14:35of pennies from heaven,
14:36accompanied by Raymond Page
14:38at the mighty cash register.
14:39So, my friend,
14:41for Raymond Page and myself,
14:42I say good night.
14:45Say good night, Chicko.
14:46Good night, Chicko.
14:49Remember that the Hotchkiss Packing Company
14:51will not be responsible
14:52for any comedians left after 30 days.
14:54This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.
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