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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00C-A-M-P-L-S
00:15That's right, folks.
00:17B for comedy.
00:18A for Abbott.
00:20M for Maxwell.
00:21E for Ennis.
00:23L for Lou Costello.
00:26Yes, they spell camel.
00:28Your taste will tell you about camel's rich, full flavor.
00:32Your throat will welcome camel's cool mildness.
00:35So draw up a chair for tonight's show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:47Hey, Costello.
00:49Costello.
00:52Costello.
00:54Will you listen to me, please?
00:55Uh, did you go hunting with your Uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?
01:00What'd you say?
01:01I say, did you go hunting with your Uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?
01:04Yeah, and a terrible thing happened.
01:05A great big bear sneaked up behind us, grabbed Uncle Artie's gun out of his hands and stuck it in his back.
01:10What did Uncle Artie do?
01:11What could he do?
01:12He married the bear's daughter.
01:15Never mind that.
01:16Did you see any...
01:17Did you see any big game?
01:18I saw a giraffe, but I didn't shoot him.
01:20He had a sore throat.
01:21Well, there's nothing worse than a giraffe with a sore throat.
01:24Oh, yes, there is.
01:25Uh, what?
01:25A centipede with corns.
01:27Huh?
01:28You dummy.
01:29I didn't think you'd ever...
01:30I didn't think you ever went hunting in your life, and I don't believe you did.
01:33I'll bet you haven't even got a hunting license.
01:35I have, too.
01:36Here it is.
01:37Wait a minute, wait a minute.
01:37This is no hunting license.
01:39This is a picture of Hedy Lamarr.
01:40You hunt what you like, and I'll hunt what I like.
01:44You, uh, hunter.
01:45Boy, that's ridiculous.
01:47Oh, yeah, my brother and I, we used to hunt alligators.
01:49Alligators?
01:49Yeah, one time an alligator was just about to attack my brother-in-law.
01:53I fired off both barrels of my trusty rifle.
01:55Did you kill the alligator?
01:56See this wallet?
01:57Genuine alligator?
01:58No.
01:59Genuine brother-in-law.
02:00I...
02:00Long sense.
02:02Come here, look at this.
02:03You see this picture?
02:04Now, I trapped all these rabbits last winter.
02:07Now, how many would you say there were?
02:10876.
02:10That's exactly right.
02:11Wait a minute.
02:12How did you guess it?
02:13Oh, I'd just count the legs and divide by four.
02:15I...
02:16Costello, have you ever been in Africa on, uh, safari?
02:23No, but I've been in New York on safari.
02:25I...
02:26A safari in New York?
02:27Yes.
02:27That mile is a safari.
02:29And also the whole book of safari.
02:31Oh, now, come on.
02:32That's ridiculous.
02:32There's lots of safaris around there.
02:34Hey, listen to me, though.
02:35You should have been with me on my elephant, huh?
02:37Oh, there I was, surrounded by elephants.
02:40One big bull elephant started towards me.
02:42I said to myself, I'm trapped.
02:43Now, haven't you trapped?
02:45Should I run or stand here and shoot the bull?
02:47You've been doing all right up to now.
02:49All right, all right.
02:51Well, I shot you.
02:52Yeah, elephant fell and broke a tusk.
02:54Broke a what?
02:54A tusk, tusk.
02:55Tusk, tusk.
02:56To you two and a couple of poo-poos.
02:58No, no, no.
02:59A tusk is valuable.
03:00We use 50,000 elephants a year just to make billiard balls.
03:04My, how do they train those big, clumsy beasts to do such delicate work?
03:08I can see you...
03:09I can see you know nothing about elephants.
03:11I once hunted elephants in India.
03:13With an old acquaintance of mine.
03:15And an elephant sat on them.
03:16Someday I got to go back there.
03:17Why?
03:18To scrape up an old acquaintance.
03:20Hey, Abbott, did you ever shoot a zebra?
03:23Yes, I did.
03:24Could I have that zebra skin?
03:25Oh, what do you want with a zebra skin?
03:26My Aunt Minnie is in Alcatraz and she needs a new fur coat.
03:29Oh, that's silly, Costello.
03:31However, I have a stuffed rhinoceros you can have.
03:34Of course, you know what a rhinoceros is, don't you?
03:36Oh, sure.
03:36That's a hippopotamus with a red eater cat.
03:38No.
03:40Now, come on out there.
03:42I know you're breathing.
03:43All right.
03:45Now, Stella, this is the last week of the big game hunting season.
03:48Now, tomorrow I'm going hunting in the High Sierras.
03:51And I'd like you to come along with me.
03:52Oh, gee, thanks, Abbott.
03:53Say, you've done a lot of hunting.
03:55What do they call those little flies that buzz around the animals?
03:57Nats.
03:58I asked you a civil question.
04:01What do they call those little flies?
04:02Nats.
04:03Nats.
04:03Nats to you, too, brother.
04:04No, no, no, you don't.
04:05Nuts are the flies that annoy the animals.
04:07Of course, some of them have ticks.
04:09Why don't they take the ticks and give those flies a good trashing?
04:12I didn't say sticks.
04:13I said ticks.
04:14For instance, there's deer sticks.
04:16The deer ticks?
04:17There's certainly deer ticks.
04:18Who want them out?
04:19Oh, nobody want them out.
04:21Then what makes him tick?
04:22Somebody must have slipped a groon in his groon.
04:24Now, Stella, when I say...
04:25Listen to me, please.
04:26When I say deer ticks, I don't mean the deer ticks.
04:29I mean deer ticks.
04:31Abbott, let me smell your breath.
04:32Oh, come on.
04:33Please talk sense.
04:34The deer has ticks, and the ticks bother the deer.
04:37They used to bother me when I went to school.
04:39Ticks bothered you in school?
04:40Yeah.
04:41Erythmetics?
04:42Mathematics?
04:45And one time a tick got me in trouble with a teacher.
04:47Oh, now, wait a minute.
04:48How could a tick get you in trouble with a teacher?
04:49I ticked my tongue out at the teacher,
04:52and she twounced the tweed of my trousers with a twamp.
04:55Now.
04:58Now.
05:05Now, hello.
05:06I'm talking about animal ticks.
05:08Hundreds of animals in the woods have ticks.
05:10That must be a pretty sound.
05:12When hundreds of animals get together,
05:13and they all start ticking at once.
05:14No, no, listen, Costello.
05:15Listen to me.
05:16Deer have ticks.
05:17Elks have ticks.
05:18And one time, my father shot a moose with ticks.
05:21Now, do you know what I'm talking about?
05:23Sure.
05:23Your father's moose ticks.
05:24Oh, no.
05:29Costello, you're getting more stupid every day.
05:31I don't know what to do with you.
05:33I don't know what to say to you.
05:34I've tried, and I've tried to improve your mind,
05:36but I just can't seem to get anywhere.
05:39Why don't you face it, Abbott?
05:40You're a failure.
05:47Well, here I am, Abbott,
05:49and I'm all ready to go hunting with you up in the mountains.
05:51That's fine, Costello.
05:52How is your hunting equipment?
05:53I got the best, Abbott.
05:54Look, Cornell Wilde's old address book.
05:58Costello.
05:59Hunting is a serious sport.
06:02Now, suppose you came face-to-face with a big Bruin.
06:04What would you do?
06:05Ask him for a ticket to the Rose Bowl game.
06:07You know, Marilyn Maxwell and Skinny Anderson
06:11are going to meet us at the hunting lodge,
06:13and I hope you brought something along.
06:15I did.
06:15I brought a quart of bourbon in case somebody gets the chills.
06:18What are you bringing, Abbott?
06:19The chills.
06:24Costello, did you bring a gun?
06:26Oh, yes, here it is.
06:27This is my sawed-off shotgun.
06:28Wait a minute.
06:29Where is the handle?
06:31How do you like that?
06:32I sawed off the wrong end.
06:33Well, come on, Costello.
06:35Marilyn and Skinny are waiting for us
06:37at the hunting lodge in the mountains.
06:38Let's go.
06:45Hiya, fat, flabby, and flat-headed.
06:48No, no, wait a minute.
06:49Don't insult Costello, Skinny.
06:50Don't be a pill.
06:52Skinny ain't no pill.
06:53He's too long and narrow.
06:55Well, thank you, Costello.
06:57You're a capsule.
06:59You're a funny-looking hunter, Skinny.
07:01Do you know anything about guns?
07:03I know guns inside and out.
07:04My man, when I was a kid with the circus,
07:06they used to shoot me out of an air rifle.
07:09What do you know about hunting?
07:11What do you know about hunting, Costello?
07:13Have you seen that big bear rug in my living room?
07:15Sure.
07:15Well, I shot that bear myself.
07:17What a battle.
07:17It was either me or the bear.
07:19Well, I'm glad it was the bear.
07:20You'd make an awful lumpy rug.
07:24Hey, look, Costello.
07:24Here comes Marilyn Maxwell.
07:26Hiya, boys.
07:27And hello, Lois Lewis, honey,
07:29my chubby little chuckling chipmunk.
07:31Oh, Marilyn,
07:33my sugar-coated sharpshooter.
07:36Plug me with a buckshot of your kisses.
07:39Lois, honey,
07:40how do you like my hunting outfits?
07:42Saks Fifth Avenue.
07:44Get a load of mine.
07:45Army surplus.
07:46Oh, Lois,
07:51it's going to be fun hunting with you.
07:53What's your favorite wild game?
07:54Post office.
07:57Lois, Lois,
07:58post office isn't a wild game.
08:00It is the way I play it.
08:03Oh, Lois,
08:04my little snowman.
08:07Come melt in my arms.
08:09Gee, Marilyn,
08:10when I'm close to you like this,
08:11I just can't seem to break away.
08:13Well, why not?
08:15My nose is caught in the trigger
08:17of your shotgun.
08:20Well, Lois,
08:21if you'll excuse me,
08:22I'll go up to the hunting lodge
08:23and freshen up.
08:24As they say in Spanish,
08:26mañana o ya noches to you.
08:28And your mama's own
08:29nice shirt to you, too.
08:32Hey, Costello, Costello.
08:34Look up on that mountaintop.
08:36Now, there's a mother stork
08:37and two little storks.
08:38Yeah, Abbott.
08:39Can I ask you a question?
08:40Well, certainly.
08:40When the mama stork
08:41talks things over
08:42with the little storks,
08:43who does she say
08:44brings the babies?
08:46Help!
08:47Help!
08:48Beg pardon, stranger.
08:50Is there a skinny hombre
08:51in your party?
08:52Yes, there is.
08:53Why?
08:53Well, you better go over
08:54the hour and get him.
08:55A gopher just dragged him
08:56down into its hole.
08:59Who are you, stranger?
09:01I'm the game warden.
09:03Yeah?
09:03What's your game warden?
09:04You want to know
09:15the game, partner?
09:16I'll tell you.
09:17It's parcheesy.
09:19But being up here
09:20in the wild country
09:21so much,
09:22I trained three little skunks
09:23to play bridge with me.
09:25Is it a steep game?
09:26No, we only play
09:27for a tenth of a cent.
09:28Ha!
09:31Warden, we're after
09:32some big game.
09:33Have you seen any
09:34hereabouts?
09:35Hereabouts?
09:37Hereabouts?
09:38Abbott, I thought
09:39we came up here
09:39to shoot deer.
09:40I wouldn't shoot
09:41a poor little hereabouts
09:42for anything in the world.
09:44Anybody that will
09:45shoot a little hereabouts
09:46and make a widow
09:47out of a sheabouts
09:48ought to be ashamed
09:49of themselves.
09:50Oh, shut up, you idiot.
09:52How about it, warden?
09:53Is there any big game
09:54around here?
09:54Well, there's a ferocious
09:56mountain lion
09:57that has been terrorizing
09:58from the countryside.
09:59He's been killing
10:00the farmer's chickens
10:01and he's even been
10:02stealing eggs.
10:03At the price eggs are now,
10:04I don't blame him.
10:06As a reward of $1,000
10:08to the man
10:09that gets that mountain lion,
10:10one of you boys
10:11ought to trap him.
10:12Which one of us
10:12would you suggest?
10:13Why don't you try, Tubby?
10:15You've got the biggest trap.
10:18Oh, wow, wow.
10:20Oh, no, don't be
10:23as anyone, please.
10:25Please, don't be as anyone.
10:26Hey, who are those guys?
10:30That's the Nebraska
10:31football team.
10:39Now, remember,
10:40if you shoot that lion,
10:42I'll give you $1,000
10:43for a skin
10:44I needed to make stockings.
10:46What kind of stockings
10:46can you make
10:47out of lion's skin?
10:48Nylon stockings.
10:50Cut.
10:50So long, Lordhead.
10:56Hey, hey,
10:57you hear that, fellas?
10:58The lion's just north of us.
11:00Which way south?
11:03Come here, you coward.
11:05You're afraid?
11:07You're not afraid
11:07to take a chance.
11:08You understand?
11:09Yeah.
11:09Now, take this cane.
11:10You see it?
11:10Yeah.
11:11The lion won't bite you
11:12if you're carrying a cane.
11:13Yeah, but how fast
11:14do I have to be
11:14carrying the cane?
11:15I ain't looking around
11:17with no lions, Abbott.
11:18The last time I saw a lion
11:19was in the Adirondack Mountains.
11:20What happened?
11:21I snapped at the lion,
11:22then the lion snapped at me,
11:24and then something whizzed past.
11:25What was it?
11:26Kansas City.
11:29Quiet.
11:29I hear something.
11:30Listen.
11:30I love you.
11:31Ouch.
11:31I love you.
11:32Ouch.
11:33I love you.
11:33Ouch.
11:33I love you.
11:34Ouch.
11:34Costello, what was that?
11:35Two porcupines,
11:36necking.
11:45All right, Costello.
11:49All right, now,
11:49take it easy, kid.
11:50I'm right in back of you.
11:51Don't worry about me.
11:53Here's the mouth of the cave.
11:54Now, go in there.
11:55That's a pal for you.
11:56I let you go in
11:57and get the lion tonight.
11:58You want me to go in
11:59and get the lion?
11:59Certainly.
12:00I'm your friend.
12:01Why don't you go in
12:01and get the lion?
12:02Oh, what do you mean?
12:03You want me to go in?
12:04I have a family.
12:05Oh, what I got?
12:06Never mind what you've got.
12:08You go ahead
12:08and get that lion.
12:09Okay.
12:10Hey, what's the matter?
12:11You're scared?
12:12Look at you.
12:13Your knees are knocking.
12:14I always knock
12:15before I enter a cave.
12:19I'll take it easy.
12:20Bug up, Costello.
12:21And remember,
12:22make the lion believe
12:23you're not afraid of him.
12:24I couldn't be that deceitful.
12:27You've got to think
12:28of those poor people
12:29who've lost their cattle
12:30and their chickens
12:31and their eggs
12:31on account of that lion.
12:33How can you face them, Costello?
12:35Think of it.
12:35How can you face them
12:36when they may be starving?
12:39How can I face that lion?
12:40He may be starving too.
12:42Oh, there you are,
12:44Lewis, honey.
12:45Oh, I'm so proud of you.
12:46I know you're going
12:47in that cave
12:48and killed that lion
12:49just for me.
12:50I am?
12:51Yes.
12:52And, Lewis, honey,
12:53I'd do anything for you.
12:54Why, I'd climb
12:55the highest mountain.
12:56I'd swim
12:57the deepest river.
12:58How do you like that?
12:59Here I am facing death,
13:01death,
13:01and this dame
13:02is going to go out
13:02climbing and swimming.
13:04Okay.
13:04I'll go in.
13:05But if that lion runs out,
13:07don't nobody shoot at him.
13:09Why not?
13:09I may be inside of him.
13:21Gee,
13:22it's certainly dark
13:23in this lion's cave.
13:24Why don't you light a match?
13:31Who said that?
13:33It's me,
13:33the lion.
13:35What do you know?
13:36A talking lion.
13:37I got to tell Abbott,
13:39Skinny, and Merlin
13:39about this.
13:40Oh, no, no,
13:40you must never tell anyone.
13:42I'm a hermit
13:42and I just hate people.
13:45I wear this lion skin
13:47to scare them away.
13:48I live in this cave
13:49all alone.
13:51How did you find this cave
13:52with all the housing shortage?
13:53I subleased it
13:54from a bear
13:55that went on the road
13:56with the skating act.
13:59You must get lonesome
14:00here all alone.
14:01Why don't you get a roommate?
14:02I had a roommate
14:03and milk
14:04and then the meat shortage
14:06came along.
14:08You mean that...
14:09See this tooth
14:10hanging on this wash chain?
14:11Yeah.
14:12Well, it ain't mine.
14:14Look, Mr. Hermit,
14:16my girl is outside.
14:17I promised her
14:18I'd bring out the lion.
14:20Give me that lion skin
14:21and I'll take it out there
14:22and everybody will think
14:22you're dead
14:23and nobody will bother you anymore.
14:24Here, take the skin.
14:26Oh, goody, goody.
14:28Now I can be a real hermit.
14:30Then I won't be bothered
14:31by Lucille Ball,
14:32Betty Grable,
14:33or Marilyn Maxwell.
14:35Gee,
14:36did they call you?
14:37No,
14:38that's what bothers me.
14:42Hey, look.
14:44Here comes Costello
14:45out of the cave.
14:46Oh, my hero.
14:47Look,
14:47he has the lion skin.
14:50Who is the greatest
14:51hunter on them all?
14:53Bring them back
14:54alive, Costello.
14:56When there is danger,
14:58who's the one they call?
14:59Bring them back
15:00alive, Costello.
15:02Once I found
15:03a baby leopard
15:04with milk,
15:05I filled his tummy
15:05and then in some
15:07magician's whom
15:07I helped him
15:08find his mummy.
15:09He caught Tarzan
15:11everything he knows
15:12when in danger
15:13he's not yellow.
15:16Who looks dapper
15:17in his hunting clothes?
15:19No one but
15:20my handsome fellow.
15:22One day I caught
15:23a tiger
15:23I wasn't even trying
15:25and in the movie house
15:26I caught
15:27a Metro-Goldwyn-Lion.
15:28Grave, yes, indeedy
15:30a threat to Clyde,
15:31BD,
15:32the greatest
15:33hunter of them all.
15:36Costello.
15:37Yeah?
15:37You've hunted
15:37a lot of big game.
15:39Tell me,
15:39did you ever hunt bear?
15:41I can't have it.
15:42The bushes tickle me.
15:44Once I saw a mink, though,
15:46I saw a mink
15:47crying in the woods.
15:48I picked him up
15:49and I said to him,
15:51Though you'll be
15:53a coat full
15:54and a turner,
15:55Laugh, mink.
15:57Laugh, mink.
15:58Laugh, mink.
15:59Though you'll be
16:01a lovely hat
16:02for Myrna.
16:04Laugh, mink.
16:05Laugh, mink.
16:06Laugh, x-heroes.
16:09You'll have the
16:11best table.
16:15Think of those
16:17whole nights
16:18with Betty
16:20Shapiro.
16:26When
16:27you're on display
16:29at Bullock's
16:30Wilshire,
16:31giggle me.
16:33Giggle.
16:35All your cares
16:37will vanish
16:38if your tail
16:39will wiggle me.
16:42Oh, wiggle me.
16:44And don't be
16:50depressed.
16:52Keep your
16:53skin up
16:55when you see
16:57Frank Buck
16:58just live.
17:00Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:03Yeah.
17:05Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:08Yeah.
17:09Yeah.
17:09Yeah.
17:09Yeah.
17:14Oh, Lewis, honey,
17:21my brave adventurer.
17:23Someday you must
17:24take me hunting
17:24with you.
17:25I will, Merlin,
17:26my love.
17:26And you can ride
17:27on my papa jackass.
17:28A papa jackass?
17:30Well, how do you
17:30know he's married?
17:32All jackasses
17:32are married.
17:38Oh, my hero.
17:39Let's celebrate
17:40tonight.
17:41We'll go to the
17:41smartest restaurant
17:42for dinner,
17:43see the best show
17:44in town
17:44and then visit
17:45all the swanky
17:46nightclubs.
17:47Then I'll kiss
17:49you goodnight
17:49and after you've
17:52gone and left
17:55me crying,
17:57after you've
17:58gone, there's
18:00no denying
18:02how lonesome
18:03I'll be.
18:05There's no one
18:06I'll see
18:07until she finds
18:10another sucker
18:11like me.
18:14who knows
18:16his jungle
18:17better than
18:18a book
18:18bring him
18:19like a live
18:20Costello.
18:21Who'll
18:22charm a snake
18:23with one
18:24hypnotic look
18:24bring him
18:25back a live
18:26Costello.
18:28I caught a
18:28baby penguin.
18:29He looks so
18:30awful cute.
18:31I haven't got
18:32the penguin,
18:32but I'm
18:33wearing his
18:33dress suit.
18:34Who'll
18:35make the wildest
18:36panther and
18:36so
18:37taste.
18:37No one
18:38else
18:38a new
18:38Costello.
18:40He makes
18:41the others
18:42hang their
18:42heads in shame.
18:43He's so
18:44groovy,
18:45he's so
18:45mellow.
18:47I caught a
18:47famous
18:48centimals
18:48from every
18:49living herd.
18:50I even
18:50caught a
18:51detroit tiger
18:51sliding in the
18:52thud.
18:53The greatest
18:54hunter of
18:58them all.
18:58The greatest
19:00hunter of
19:01them all.
19:02Oh, boy.
19:14What a
19:15tough battle.
19:16But I won.
19:17Hey, Abbott,
19:18there is the
19:19lion's skin.
19:20Wait a minute,
19:21Costello.
19:22There's something
19:22phony about this.
19:24Turn that
19:25skin over.
19:26I thought
19:27so.
19:28There's a
19:28label on that
19:29lion's skin,
19:30Costello.
19:31Come on.
19:32Read it.
19:34Eastern
19:34Columbia,
19:35Broadway at
19:36night.
19:46By the
19:46way,
19:46Costello,
19:47the December
19:4810th issue of
19:49Look Magazine
19:50has printed the
19:50pictures of your
19:51big barbecue
19:52party for the
19:53kids.
19:53Yes.
19:54Did you see
19:54it, Abbott?
19:55I did.
19:56I saw your
19:57picture, your
19:57wife's picture,
19:58your kids'
19:59pictures, and
19:59my picture.
20:01But I didn't
20:02see my
20:02wife Betty's
20:03picture.
20:04And I know
20:05they took
20:05Betty's picture.
20:06Now, where's
20:06my wife's
20:07picture?
20:07Why wasn't
20:08it in there?
20:09Well, the
20:09fellow that
20:10took your
20:10wife's picture
20:11couldn't develop
20:11it.
20:11Why not?
20:12He was afraid
20:13to go into
20:14the dark
20:14room with it
20:15alone.
20:15z
20:16good
20:28into
20:29her
20:30times.
20:30Good
20:30time.
20:30Good
20:31night.
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