Baby Snooks - Stolen Turkey (Old Time Radio Comedy) - video Dailymotion

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The Baby Snooks Show was an American radio program starring comedian and Ziegfeld Follies alumna Fanny Brice as a mischievous young girl who was 40 years younger than the actress who played her when she first went on the air.

Transcript

00:00Oh, good evening, Daddy.

00:02My, you look a little depressed.

00:03I'm on the verge of suicide.

00:05Oh, really?

00:06Well, unburden yourself, Daddy.

00:07I've just returned from a rather unpleasant session with my poultry.

00:11Your poultry?

00:12The man who sells turkeys.

00:14He organized a raffle with the turkey as the first prize.

00:17And Snooks walked off with it.

00:19Well, you can't punish the child for being lucky.

00:21Lucky?

00:22She walked off with it when nobody was looking.

00:26The child never had a raffle ticket and she plainly filched the bird.

00:30Well, maybe the kid got stuck in the turkey and just couldn't resist taking it.

00:33She thought she could hide it from you.

00:35Imagine that.

00:36Imagine trying to conceal a hot turkey.

00:39She only wanted it for a pet pet.

00:42It wouldn't surprise me to find she's already made negotiations with some fence.

00:46A hot turkey?

00:48Well, I'll admit it's a trifle disconcerting.

00:51Why did she steal it?

00:52Oh, Scandala Magnatum.

00:56Now, listen, Daddy.

00:57Don't get dramatic.

00:58The kid got stuck on the turkey and just sniped it, that's all.

01:01Better shun the bait than struggle in the snare.

01:04Sure.

01:05All you have to do is...

01:06That which is one ill will never wear well,

01:08for there's a curse attends it which will waste...

01:10All right, all right.

01:12Stop cursing and listen to the reason.

01:13Oh, forgive me, Dick.

01:15I'm very upset.

01:16I've always overlooked her other transgressions

01:18because I didn't think they were serious.

01:20But now that she's taken to stealing livestock,

01:22where can it lead to?

01:24She'll be a cattle rustler.

01:25You think that's bad business?

01:28Oh, this is no time for idle jesting, Powell.

01:30I must do something.

01:32Now, keep your temper in check.

01:33Let her explain and get her to give you the bird.

01:38Indirectly, she's been doing that for years.

01:42Well, I'm going home.

01:43And all I can think of is killing two birds with one stone.

01:46Goodbye, Dick.

02:00I can't imagine where she could be.

02:03I've called every possible place.

02:05Hello?

02:06Oh, this is Mr. Higgins.

02:07Have you seen Snooks in the last hour?

02:10Oh.

02:11Well, thanks a lot.

02:12No, I...

02:13Oh, wait.

02:14I think she's here now.

02:15Snooks!

02:16Yes, Daddy.

02:17Yes, she's here.

02:19Goodbye.

02:19I'm coming in the middle, Daddy.

02:21What are you doing out there?

02:22I just want to hang my coat in the closet.

02:28Come in here at once.

02:30Yes, Daddy.

02:33Hello.

02:35Where have you been?

02:36I went to the movies.

02:38Oh, the movies.

02:39Where'd you get the money?

02:41Money?

02:41Yes, money.

02:42I didn't need no money, Daddy.

02:45Today was a ticket man's birthday, and he let all the people in for nothing.

02:50And they gave us ice cream coins, and popcorn, and frankfurtis.

02:55How generous.

02:56Yeah.

02:57What's the name of this wonderful theater where they let you in for nothing?

03:01Huh?

03:02Which theater did you go to?

03:04Uh, it was the jam.

03:07The jam, eh?

03:07Mm-hmm.

03:08Well, let's have a look at the paper.

03:11Uh-huh.

03:12Well, it doesn't say anything about free admissions here.

03:17Don't it?

03:17No.

03:19Did they let the turkey in for nothing, too?

03:21No, I kept him under my...

03:22Uh, what turkey, Daddy?

03:27Mr. Game Bag in the poultry store.

03:30Tells me some little girl made up with a live turkey today.

03:33I thought you might know something about it.

03:35Who, me?

03:36Yes, you.

03:37No, Daddy.

03:38I was in the movie.

03:40I see.

03:41Well, if you went to the gym, I presume you saw the picture there?

03:45I presume so.

03:48Then you saw Brigham Young.

03:50Who?

03:51Brigham Young is listed as the picture that's playing at the gym.

03:54If you went there, you must have seen it.

03:56I've seen it, Daddy.

03:57Oh.

03:58Well, what's the picture about?

04:00What picture?

04:01Brigham Young!

04:03Um, has it got Indians?

04:06I'm asking you!

04:07It ain't got Indians.

04:10Snooks?

04:11I don't believe you went to the movies at all.

04:14You're just trying to distract me with that story to cover up some other heinous crime you've committed.

04:18I didn't do nothing.

04:20Then tell me what the picture's about.

04:21That's the only way you can prove you were at the movies.

04:24Well, um...

04:26Go on.

04:28Brigham Young was the king of the Mormons.

04:30Go on.

04:31Uh, Brigham Young was the king of the Mormons, and...

04:36Continue.

04:38What's the rest of the story?

04:40Uh, he...

04:41He fell in love with a lady who owned a candy store.

04:46What?

04:46And the father bear said, nobody.

04:52Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

04:54Snooks.

04:56So they made him the king of the Mormons, and they lived heavily, happily, heavily here.

05:03What are you yelling about?

05:06Because it was so very sad.

05:09All right, Snooks.

05:11Now let's get down to business.

05:12Snooks, where's the turkey?

05:15I ain't got no turkey, Daddy.

05:17Very well.

05:19Before I begin to question you, Snooks, I want you to tell me one thing.

05:23Did you appear at the studio this evening with a live turkey, and did you steal it from the poultry store?

05:28That's two things, Daddy.

05:30Well, answer one.

05:31Which one?

05:32Either one.

05:34Can I answer both?

05:36All right, answer both.

05:37I don't want to.

05:38Then I'll take your refusal to talk as an admission of guilt.

05:43Now, where's the turkey?

05:44I ain't got no turkey.

05:46Oh, maybe you haven't got it now, but you have one.

05:48Your whole dress is covered with feathers.

05:51Is it?

05:55What's the matter with you?

05:56Something got stuck in my throat.

05:59Well, I'd like you to show...

06:01What on earth is the matter?

06:05I think I'm getting a sore throat, Daddy.

06:08Now, take a drink of water.

06:09All right.

06:10I'll go to the kitchen.

06:11Stay here.

06:13Here.

06:15Swallow this water.

06:16Yes, Daddy.

06:19Is it better now?

06:20Yes, Daddy, it's better.

06:24Not again, Daddy.

06:26I think you're putting it on just to get sympathy from me.

06:29I won't do it no more, Daddy.

06:31No more.

06:34Stop it.

06:38Now, let's get back to those feathers on your dress.

06:41How did they get there?

06:43Well, last night when I went to bed, I had a pillow fight with Lokes, Pierre.

06:48A pillow fight?

06:49Mm-hmm.

06:50And my pillow bucket opened, and all the feathers stuck to my dress.

06:55Since when did you think of going to bed with your dress on?

06:59I just now thought of it.

07:01Obviously.

07:04And the pillow fight's story would never work anyhow, Snooks.

07:07Why?

07:08Because you're covered with turkey feathers, and the pillows are stuffed with goose down.

07:13What's goose down?

07:14It's what covers a goose.

07:16The goose's whole coat is down.

07:17Is his pants down, Daddy?

07:21Never mind that.

07:26What did you do with a turkey?

07:28Snooks, I know you stole it.

07:29Why don't you tell me the truth?

07:31I didn't steal it, Daddy.

07:32But you had it in your possession, didn't you?

07:34Uh-huh.

07:35Ah, at last we're getting somewhere.

07:37Now, how did you get the turkey?

07:40Well...

07:41And remember, Snooks, I want the absolute unadulterated truth.

07:45Yes, Daddy.

07:46Now, talk turkey.

07:48Oh!

07:50Well, you told me to talk turkey, Daddy.

07:54I mean, give me the facts.

07:57All right.

07:57I was walking past the turkey store, and I seen a beautiful turkey sitting in the window.

08:04Yes?

08:06I stopped to look at him, and he winked his eye at me.

08:11Go on.

08:12So I winked back.

08:13Oh.

08:13And then a beautiful fairy with a silver wand jumped on my little shoulder.

08:21Uh-huh.

08:22And she touched the window with her wand, and the glass disappeared.

08:29And then I walked away.

08:31I see.

08:32And what followed?

08:33The turkey.

08:34Then I saw the man coming after him, so I picked him up, and I started to run away.

08:41The men?

08:41What men?

08:42The nine men with hatchets.

08:44And they had elephant trunks and feet like tigers, and they were 60 stories high, Daddy.

08:50That's a pretty tall story, Snooks.

08:53Yeah.

08:54And then I ran as fast as I could with the turkey, but they were chasing me on their camels.

09:00And I couldn't...

09:01What camels?

09:03What did you say, Daddy?

09:06What's all this stuff about nine men with hatchets riding on camels?

09:09Do you expect me to believe that fantastic fable?

09:13No, Daddy.

09:14Then why are you telling it?

09:15I like to hear it.

09:18Well, I don't.

09:20I'm third of my...

09:21What's that?

09:23I don't know.

09:25But the turkey's in the house.

09:26Where do you put him?

09:28He's in my closet.

09:29He ain't gonna spank me, are you, Daddy?

09:31Come with me.

09:33I heard it.

09:35Go on, heavens.

09:37There's two of them.

09:38Huh?

09:39Look, there's a great big one and a little one.

09:41I guess I should have put these...

09:44I shouldn't have put the egg in there.

09:46Now, they'll be all over the place.

09:48Let's shut this door.

09:50Come on, Snooks.

09:52Well, there it is.

09:55I guess you don't want to make any more denials, do you?

09:58You ain't gonna blame me for the little one, are you, Daddy?

10:02Oh, forget it.

10:04I've already paid for the turkey, so...

10:06There's nothing left for me to do except punish you.

10:09Why?

10:10Because you deserve it.

10:11Today being another Thanksgiving, however, I'm going to be a little more lenient with you.

10:17I'm going to let you select your own punishment.

10:20What do you think I should do to you?

10:23Kiss me, Daddy.

10:25I said punishment.

10:26Oh.

10:27Well?

10:28I can't think of nothing bad enough, Daddy.

10:31So you better let it go.

10:32Oh, no.

10:33I'll think of something.

10:35Shall I turn over?

10:37You guessed it.

10:38Ready?

10:39Ready.

10:40Here we go again.

10:42No!

10:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Baby Snooks - Stolen Turkey (Old Time Radio Comedy)

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