- 2 days ago
The Colonel has to find Thanksgiving food for his relatives he carelessly invited one year ago.
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00:00The End
00:30Sunbathing Purchase
00:32Flaxen, what are you up to
00:34Here on the roof?
00:35You sure you're not up to something?
00:38All the way, Colonel
00:39Before that flatfoot Conway
00:40Finds out what we're up to
01:00Your host tonight is...
01:29Dear relatives and friends
01:42Inasmuch as I have heard
01:45Various and nefarious rumors
01:47That my dear wife
01:49And my sweet sister-in-law Sue
01:51That we have been
01:53Drum-sticking and ham-hocking
01:54To excess at your various homes
01:57Over the holidays
01:57I hereby retaliate
02:00By inviting all 36 of you
02:03To our house
02:04One year from today
02:06For a big turkey and ham dinner
02:08On Thanksgiving
02:09He's a jolly good fellow
02:12For he's a jolly good fellow
02:14For he's a jolly good fellow
02:17Which nobody can deny
02:20Montgomery, why in the world
02:22Did you issue an invitation like that?
02:26Look, a year from now
02:27They will have forgotten
02:28The whole invitation
02:29We haven't got the money
02:31To feed 36 rent, I guess
02:32Why you big blabbermouth
02:34You never should have had
02:35That second glass of clam juice
02:37Which nobody can deny
02:41All right, Mr. Big Mouth
02:55Tomorrow is Thanksgiving
02:57Yeah
02:58And we're gonna have
02:5936 relatives here at dinner
03:01Thanks to you
03:02Shooting off your mouth a year ago
03:04What do you intend to do about it?
03:07Well, there's only one thing to do
03:09Put up the quarantine sign
03:12And hide under the bed again
03:13I know they're gonna be hungry
03:16But I don't think even they
03:19Will wade through the bubonic plague
03:20To get to the giblets
03:21Montgomery J. Claxton
03:29I'm not gonna be disgraced
03:32In front of all our relatives
03:34You go out of here right now
03:37And come back with a ham
03:38And take a dinner
03:39Or I'm gonna take our marriage license
03:42And turn it into the paper drive
03:44Now, wait a minute
03:46I don't have the money
03:48To buy food for these 36 relatives
03:50Then you better find it
03:51Cause on Thanksgiving Day
03:53This house is gonna be filled
03:55With warmth and love
03:57And southern hospitality
03:59If I have to break
04:00Every bone in your body
04:02To get it
04:03Well, I'll do the best I can
04:12But as General Lee said
04:14At Gettysburg
04:15I've had better days than this
04:17I need at least $50 for the dinner
04:23And after all
04:25There's that old proverb
04:27What good is a friend
04:29If you can't jip him
04:30Come in
04:33It's open
04:33Hi, Calvin
04:35What are you doing up here anyway, Colonel?
04:39Cause I'm worried about you
04:41Spending this gala
04:42Thanksgiving holiday season alone
04:44You know
04:46It made me sad
04:48It did, huh?
04:49Oh, yeah, Calvin
04:50Me and Maggie Bell
04:52And Sister Sue
04:53Was talking about you
04:54Only this morning
04:55About you spending
04:57The holiday up here
04:58All alone
05:00In your room
05:00Well
05:02Come to think of it
05:03It does get lonely now then
05:05Sometimes I regret
05:07Setting those rat traps
05:08Cause what are you
05:09Driving at, Colonel?
05:11What am I driving at, Calvin?
05:13I'm inviting you
05:14Up to my place
05:15For Thanksgiving dinner
05:16With all the gracious
05:18Claxton clan
05:19Well, now, wait a minute, Colonel
05:20How much is the price?
05:23Well, what we call
05:24A season ticket, son
05:25Comes to about $50
05:27I'd like to come
05:29But all I got
05:30Is $3 and a quarter
05:31I'm afraid I can't afford
05:34Your generous
05:34Southern hospitality
05:35This year
05:36Well, now
05:38To tell you the truth, Calvin
05:39I don't know
05:40Whether we're gonna
05:41Have a dinner or not
05:41I'm in a spot
05:43I've invited
05:4436 relatives
05:46For dinner
05:46And I don't have
05:48The wherewithal
05:49For the grubwithal
05:50So unless I get
05:51Some free food
05:52From someplace
05:53I'm in big trouble
05:55You know, Colonel
05:57I saw an ad
05:59In the paper
05:59Here this morning
06:00Free food
06:03Let me see
06:04Where that is
06:05Here we are
06:06Yeah, give me that paper
06:08Look at that
06:09Hmm
06:1075 pounds
06:13Of free food
06:15Including ham
06:16And turkey
06:17With the purchase
06:19Of a $375
06:21Deep freezer
06:22That's no good, Calvin
06:24In order to get
06:25The free food
06:26You gotta buy
06:27The freezer
06:28Yeah
06:29You haven't got
06:30375 smackers
06:31Yeah, the trouble
06:33The, uh
06:34Wait a minute
06:35I just noticed
06:37In the small print here
06:39Here in the air
06:41It guarantee
06:42Within 30 days
06:44Of purchase
06:44If the customer
06:45Is dissatisfied
06:47Your money
06:48Will be cheerfully
06:49Refunded
06:50Calvin
06:51That's my angle
06:53On getting
06:54The free food
06:55Come on
06:56We'll get right down
06:57To the deep freezer
06:58Store
06:58You think this thing
07:00Is gonna work?
07:01Work
07:01Is the greatest
07:02Idea in the world
07:03Calvin
07:03Okay
07:04But the last time
07:05You had the greatest
07:06Idea in the world
07:07We ended up
07:08Spending the weekend
07:09As guests
07:09Of the local
07:10Gendarme
07:10Well, here's the store
07:27Calvin
07:27Yeah
07:28Now explain to me
07:30How we're gonna get
07:31This free food
07:32Now look Calvin
07:33I give the fella
07:35This no good check here
07:37For 375 dollars
07:40We take the freezer home
07:42And we take the food
07:44Out of it
07:44Then we bring the freezer
07:46Back to the store
07:47And get our money back
07:48Before the man
07:49Has a chance
07:50To put this check
07:50In the bank
07:51Now if that's not
07:53A great scheme
07:53I'll eat my hat
07:55Yeah, well you better
07:56Get out to buy carbonate
07:57I think you're gonna be
07:59Nibbling on your fedora
08:00Before this is over
08:01Oh, here comes the fella
08:07Now
08:07Watch the old colonel
08:08Go into action here
08:09Boy
08:09May I help you, sir
08:11Indeed you may, sir
08:13I am Colonel
08:15Montgomery J. Claxon
08:16Of the Nashville Claxons
08:18Colonel Ex-Officio
08:19Of the Breckenridge
08:21County Zoo Halls
08:22That's all him
08:23I'm just playing
08:25Calvin Burside
08:26Well, how do you do
08:28Both of you
08:29Uh, yes, monsieur
08:30Uh, we would like to buy
08:32One of those deep freezers
08:34Like you've got advertised
08:35In the newspaper here
08:36The kind with the free food
08:38And the cheerful
08:39Refunding guarantee
08:40Oh, yes
08:41We give the free food
08:42And the guarantee
08:43With all our models
08:44Now here's a lovely model here
08:46It combines the best features
08:47Of the
08:47Uh, we'll take it
08:48Uh, here's a check
08:50Well, you certainly
08:51Made your mind up in a hurry
08:52See, this certainly
08:58Is a fast deal
08:59You're not kidding, mister
09:00It's an old
09:02Southern customer
09:02Uh, just one more question, mister
09:07When does the store close?
09:10At 5.30
09:11Hmm, it's five o'clock now
09:14What do you think, Calvin?
09:16Well, we might strain ourselves
09:18But I think we can make it
09:20Be seeing you
09:22Pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir
09:23Well, thank you
09:25Well, we might strain ourselves
09:28Well, if you be
09:29A justi
09:30What do you think, hai
09:31γγΌγΊ
09:32Do you see
09:34as promised?
09:39I love you
09:40I love you
09:41I love you
09:42You
09:43I love you
09:43I love you
09:44You
09:45I love you
09:45Josh
09:47I love you
09:48I love you
09:50I love you
09:51You
09:52thing
09:52I love you
09:54Good job, good job.
10:24Turkey in the straw, ha, ha, ha, turkey on the table, rock, rock, rock.
10:41Watch the door there, Calvin. Watch it now.
10:43Yeah, easy does it.
10:46Well, we made it.
10:50There's only 5.20.
10:51Uh-oh, here comes a fellow that sold it to us.
10:54You know something? He doesn't look so happy about the whole thing, neither.
10:58Why, Colonel Clapson, what's this? You're bringing the freezer back?
11:03Yes, sir. We are dissatisfied with it.
11:05You're dissatisfied with it?
11:07Just a minute.
11:08You picked up the freezer at 5 o'clock, and you're bringing it back now at 5.20?
11:12Yeah, we'd have been here sooner, only we got caught in traffic.
11:17Uh, look, mister, uh, we want our money back.
11:21Uh, we're dissatisfied with the freezer.
11:24Just a minute. Let me see.
11:27You didn't bring the food back.
11:29We weren't dissatisfied with that.
11:31No, that makes us very happy.
11:32Look, mister, we're dissatisfied with the freezer.
11:38Now, will you please stop shouting at us and kindly refund our money?
11:42I am not giving you your money till you bring back the food.
11:46Mister, show us where it says in the paper that we gotta cheerfully refund the food.
11:51Look, I want that free food back that was in the freezer.
11:54Well, why must we bring back the free food if the free food is free with the food freezer?
11:59Because the free food is only free with the food freezer if you pay the full fee for the food freezer.
12:04Yeah, but if you give the free food with the food freezer...
12:08No, stop it!
12:09Please, look, I want my food back.
12:12Now, wait a minute here, sir.
12:14It's not your food.
12:16It's our food.
12:18You gave us free food.
12:20It was an inducement for us to buy the freezer.
12:23That's the way you run your business.
12:25Oh, see here, this is ridiculous.
12:28You've got to give me that free food.
12:30My dear, sir, we are not in business to give away free food.
12:34No, the colonel's right.
12:36That's your racket.
12:37Yeah, if you want any free food, go out and buy your own freezer.
12:40No, look, I don't want any free food!
12:43And we don't want to give you any, so what are you arguing about?
12:46Look here, I've got to have that food back.
12:50You want to take our free food away.
12:53That's right.
12:54All right.
12:56Well, now let's analyze what you're doing here.
13:00You want to take something away from us that is free.
13:04Free like the air we breathe.
13:06Like the liberties we enjoy.
13:09Like the freedom of speech.
13:10Like the freedom of the press.
13:12The freedom to vote and salute the flag.
13:15Mister, no one can take away these rights from us.
13:18What kind of an un-American joint are you running here?
13:22Well, now that you put it that way, I...
13:24No!
13:25What am I talking about?
13:27It's my own food.
13:28Look, I want that frozen food and that ham and turkey back here by tomorrow morning,
13:33or I'm turning this whole thing over to the police.
13:37You mean that you would bring the police into a thing like this?
13:40Yeah, I certainly would.
13:42Well, that's all I want to know.
13:45I'll have the food back the first thing in the morning.
13:48Come on, Calvin.
13:49Hmm.
13:50Looks like these guarantees don't mean anything anymore.
13:58What are you going to do now, Carl?
14:00Only one thing I can do, Calvin.
14:02I'll wait till Maggie Bell and the sister get to sleep tonight,
14:05and then I'll take the food out of the icebox.
14:07Isn't it wonderful, sister, Sue?
14:18We're going to have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner
14:21when all the relatives come tomorrow.
14:24That big ham and that beautiful turkey.
14:28Yeah, we must be careful that between now and in the morning
14:31some sneak thief don't come up here and clean out the icebox.
14:35Well, if they're going to make off with our ham and turkey,
14:40they're going to have to climb another two flights of stairs.
14:43Well, of course, if the people are, if they see, uh, uh, what was that?
14:48Well, Gary, our icebox wasn't big enough to hold all that food,
14:54so Mrs. Conway on the top floor volunteered to keep the frozen food
14:59and the ham and the turkey upstairs in her icebox.
15:03Yeah, and I don't think any sneak thief's going to bother it up there
15:07because Mrs. Conway's husband is a police sergeant.
15:12Hmm, uh, excuse me.
15:14I think I'll go out in the kitchen and sharpen up the carving knife.
15:18Why do you want to do that?
15:20The dinner isn't till tomorrow.
15:22I know, but first thing in the morning,
15:24I may have an appointment to cut my throat.
15:26Oh, man.
15:35I gotta get that food back in that store by tomorrow morning
15:38or I'm in a mess.
15:41I'll never get it out of Mrs. Conway's apartment.
15:44And her husband is a policeman.
15:46Hello, Oliver Wendell Clutch speaking.
15:54Hello, Oliver.
15:55Am I disturbing you?
15:58No, you're not disturbing me.
16:00I was just watching television.
16:02Do you know they actually have people on there talking like animals?
16:07It is completely unbelievable.
16:09I'm sure it is, but I'm in a mess, Oliver.
16:13I gypped the fellow out of a ham and turkey
16:16and a whole lot of frozen food.
16:20Now, he says if I don't bring it back, he's gonna make trouble for me.
16:24Well, only one thing to do.
16:26Take it back.
16:27I can't.
16:29Maggie Bell stored the food in Police Sergeant Conway's icebox.
16:33Police Sergeant, eh?
16:35Colonel, you'd better not tamper with that refrigerator in person.
16:39What you need is some puffy poltroon to purloin the poultry.
16:44What do you mean?
16:46A real jerky to swipe the turkey.
16:50Yeah, Calvin's in this mess up to his neck.
16:54And I might as well push his head under the quicksand.
16:57Thanks a lot, Oliver.
16:58You're welcome, my friend.
17:00And the next act on our big shoe tonight
17:07is an act I just brought over from Europe.
17:10Let's really hurt for him, big, big folks.
17:14Fifi, the poodle, and our performing people.
17:19How does he get away with that stuff?
17:22Now, listen, Calvin.
17:34This is the roof of the apartment house,
17:37and the Conway's apartment is on the top floor
17:40right underneath where we're walking now.
17:43Oh, golly, Colonel.
17:44It's awful dark up here.
17:46Now, explain to me how we're gonna get into
17:49Sergeant Conway's kitchen.
17:50This skylight is right over the kitchen.
17:53We're going to lift the top up,
17:55and that'll give us a perfect way for you
17:59to get down in the kitchen.
18:01Yeah, I...
18:02Now, wait a minute, Colonel.
18:04You started out with we and us.
18:08But somewhere near the end of that sentence,
18:10you pass-farticipled me up the creek again.
18:13I'm not going.
18:14Now, listen, Calvin.
18:15Let me explain the plan
18:17before you go off half-cock like some Yankee.
18:20When you get down in the kitchen,
18:22I'm going to lower this basket down to you on the rope.
18:26All you got to do is to put the turkey and the ham
18:29and the frozen food in the basket,
18:32and I'll haul it up.
18:34You see, I got the dangerous part of the job.
18:37Uh, you're up here,
18:39and I'm in the policeman's kitchen.
18:42Explain to me how you got the dangerous part of the job.
18:45It's simple, Calvin.
18:47I'm up here.
18:49I suppose something happens.
18:52I'm trying to get away.
18:54I might get panicky and run off the edge of the roof.
18:57But you, being trapped down there in the kitchen,
19:00you won't be able to run anyplace and hurt yourself.
19:04Yeah.
19:05Well, now, that's mighty thought for you, Colonel.
19:08Come on, let's get the skylight open.
19:13Hello, Claxton resident.
19:15Mrs. Claxton, this is Sergeant Conway upstairs.
19:18You know what your husband is doing up on the roof of the building?
19:21My God, we on the roof?
19:23Why, no.
19:25Well, I saw him and that fat friend of his
19:27going up there a few seconds ago.
19:29I haven't any idea what he's doing up there.
19:31Well, I think I'll just go up and have a look around.
19:33Say, Calvin, how you doing down there in the kitchen?
19:40Fine, Colonel.
19:42I'm just beginning to load the frozen food
19:44from the icebox into the basket.
19:46Just beginning?
19:47You've been down there ten minutes.
19:49What you been doing?
19:50Making myself a pot roast sandwich.
19:53I wonder where he keeps the ketchup.
19:55Listen, you dummy, keep your mind on your business.
19:58You want that policeman to catch us?
20:00Yeah, I'll go out the back window and come up the fire escape.
20:05Boy, it sure is dark up here.
20:08Well, anyway, it's working fine.
20:11Sergeant Conway must be out.
20:13Things are...
20:16Hmm.
20:18What steps?
20:20Sounds like somebody walking on the roof here.
20:23Oh, it's Calvin coming up to help me with the rope.
20:28Hmm.
20:28Time that they can stop walking.
20:31How you doing up there, Colonel?
20:33Uh, fine.
20:34Give me a hand with the rope and, uh, uh...
20:36Hmm, that's funny.
20:41Calvin's feet are walking up here on the roof,
20:44but his voice is still in the kitchen.
20:47He must have left in an awful hurry.
20:49Yeah, that's what he did.
20:53Hmm.
20:54That doesn't sound like Calvin walking.
20:56Those are the flattest footsteps I ever heard.
21:01But there's got to be Calvin up here on the roof.
21:03Who else?
21:04Colonel, I say, how are you doing up there?
21:07Hmm.
21:08Calvin, uh, where are you?
21:10I'm here.
21:11I know you're here, but are you here, here, or here, there?
21:14Colonel, I'm down here in the kitchen.
21:17Are you up there on the roof?
21:18Yeah, but son,
21:20what I wouldn't give to be home in bed right now.
21:23Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Sergeant Conway,
21:28fancy running into you up here on the roof.
21:30Uh, uh, uh, sunbathing perchance?
21:33Blackson, what are you up to here on the roof?
21:36Uh, me, uh, nothing.
21:37I just, uh, well, I, I, I was, uh, I, I came, uh, I went to, uh, uh...
21:42Blackson, I need an explanation.
21:45Well, I need one as bad as you do.
21:47Are you sure you're not up to something?
21:50All the way, Colonel, before that flatfoot Conway
21:53finds out what we're up to.
21:56Hey, wait a minute.
21:58There's someone down in my kitchen.
21:59Yeah, must be a sneak thief.
22:01My advice to you is to shoot first and ask questions later.
22:04Now, I'll get out of the line of fire
22:06before you start blazing away.
22:08I'll see you later.
22:09Blackson, I think we'd better go down to my apartment
22:12and talk things over.
22:14Uh, yes, sir.
22:14Yes, sir.
22:16That's a good idea.
22:17Uh, yes, sir.
22:19Uh, and the first thing I'm gonna do
22:20when we get down there is call your wife.
22:22Call my wife?
22:24Tell me something, Sergeant.
22:26If I made a break for it, would you shoot me?
22:29Of course not.
22:30Hmm, I thought I had a loophole there for a minute.
22:33I was gonna run.
22:44That's the whole story, Myrtle.
22:47Sergeant Conway caught us breaking into his kitchen.
22:49Oh, that's a shame.
22:51But what did Maggie Bell say when she found out?
22:54Oh, Maggie Bell doesn't know anything about her.
22:57The colonel pleaded with the sergeant not to tell her.
23:00Yeah, well, what's he gonna do about the man in the frozen food store?
23:03The colonel's gonna stick to his guns.
23:09I'm meeting him at the deep freeze store in an hour.
23:12After all, the food was free, and that's that.
23:15Well, I still think the man's gonna want the food back.
23:19The colonel says he doesn't care what the man says.
23:22The colonel guaranteed me that we're gonna have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner.
23:33Have another sleaze of ham.
23:36Didn't I tell you, Calvin, we'd have a lovely dinner on Thanksgiving?
23:39I like the dinner, all right.
23:43But the judge says we're gonna have to spend five more days in this iron deep freeze.
23:47Oh, hi, Colonel.
23:55Oh, hello, Calvin.
23:57Say, how did Maggie Bell and Sister Sue react to your little vacation in the pokey?
24:02Well, they were pretty upset, Calvin.
24:05Maggie Bell said it was the worst family disgrace
24:08since Uncle Braxton Claxton was a streetcar conductor
24:11and the inspector caught him with his high-button shoes full of nickels.
24:15You know, I've been thinking, Calvin,
24:19well, we went wrong trying to get that free food without buying the freezer.
24:24The next time, what we ought to do is to buy it on install.
24:31And when the time payments come due,
24:34we are just...
24:35Calvin.
24:37I say, Calvin.
24:38I hear you.
24:39Calvin and the Colonel was brought to you by...
24:46to you by...
25:16THE END
25:46THE END
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