- 2 months ago
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series. The show ran for over three decades, from 1932 to 1955 on radio, and from 1950 to 1965 on television. It won numerous awards, including the 1959 and 1961 Emmy Awards for Best Comedy Series, and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.
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00:00J-E-L-L-O
00:04The Jell-O program brought to you by Jell-O and Jell-O Pudding, starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Dane, yours truly, Don Wilson.
00:12And now, ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we would like to turn the clock back to last Friday night
00:17and show you what happened when Jack and the rest of our gang went out and celebrated Halloween.
00:22The time, 7.30 Friday evening. The place, Jack's house in Beverly Hills. Take it away!
00:30I don't want to set the world on fire.
00:37Rochester.
00:38I just want to go where I can get dough.
00:43Rochester, stop complaining in rhythm and help me get into my Halloween costume.
00:48The gang will be here any minute. Hand me those horns.
00:51Here you are. Pardon the ignorance, boss, but what character are you struggling to convey?
00:56My costume is very obvious. I've got on red underwear, a long tail, horns, and I'm carrying a pitchfork.
01:05Now, who am I?
01:06The man from the finance company.
01:12I am not. I'm the devil.
01:14Now, hand me that mirror.
01:16Here you are.
01:16Thanks.
01:17No, I don't like this effect.
01:20These darn horns keep slipping over to one side.
01:24The horns are all right. It's your toupee that slips.
01:27Something wrong there.
01:29I don't know why I picked out a devil costume anyway.
01:32Of course, I bought this pair of horns. I should use them.
01:35Why don't you put one of them on your nose and go as a rhinoceros?
01:38No, I can't do that. Phil Harris is coming as Frank Buck, and he'd shoot me.
01:48He'd love the excuse.
01:50I wonder if this tail is too long here.
01:53See who's at the door, Rochester.
01:55Yes, sir. Come in.
01:57I could have done that myself.
02:01Rochester, when I tell you... Oh, hello, Mary.
02:03Hello, Jack.
02:04Mary, this is Halloween. I thought you were going to dress up tonight.
02:06Where's your costume?
02:07I've got it on. I'm Pocahontas.
02:10Pocahontas? In a mink coat?
02:12John Smith was nice to me.
02:20Oh, you're a wampum digger, eh?
02:24Well, at least stick a feather in your hair. Make it believable.
02:27Say, what do you think of my outfit, Mary?
02:29Don't I look like the devil?
02:30Always.
02:32You mean my costume. I'm supposed to be Satan.
02:34Can't you see my horns?
02:35Well, straighten up. You look like a toad.
02:38Who ever heard of a red toad, Mary?
02:40Say, boss, I'm going to a masquerade party tonight myself.
02:43You are, Rochester? What are you going to be?
02:45I'm going to close my eyes and go as the Smith Brothers cork drop.
02:48Well, that's not a bad idea. Say, Rochester, why don't you keep one eye open and go as a period?
03:00How's that?
03:05I better keep both eyes open. My lady friends are over.
03:09All right, do as you please.
03:11Jack, what are we going to do tonight? Where are we going?
03:13I got it all figured out. Listen to this. First, we'll go to Claudette Colbert's house, and then I'll take a piece of soap and write Claudette loves Jack all over her window.
03:21Oh, you did that last year, and she came out and wrote Jack who.
03:24Well, this time she'll know Jack who. When Claudette comes out of the house, I'm going to grab her and give her a kiss.
03:33There's only one guy kisses like Benny.
03:35You don't have to tell me, dead lips.
03:36Mary, I'm going to give you a good jab with my pitchfork, if you don't look out.
03:46Well, anyway, after we leave Claudette.
03:49Come in, come in.
03:53Well, look what's hopping through the door. For Pete's sake, what an outfit.
03:57Hello, Jack. Mary.
03:58Hello, Don. What are you supposed to be?
04:00Why can't you tell? I'm a kangaroo.
04:02Well, sure enough, you certainly look realistic, Don, with those long ears sticking up in that great big pouch.
04:09But say, I thought Dennis was coming with you. Where is the kid?
04:14Peek-a-boo.
04:26Well, I'll be darned a baby kangaroo.
04:32Here, climb. Climb out, kid. Here, I'll help you.
04:37Thanks, Mr. Benny.
04:38Imagine coming as a little kangaroo.
04:40You know, I was going to come as a floor lamp.
04:43A floor lamp?
04:44Yeah, but when I screwed the bulbs in my ears, they wouldn't light up.
04:54Oh, that's terrible.
04:56Maybe I ought to see a doctor.
04:59Dennis, you're not supposed to light up.
05:02You know, Mary, someday I'll have to have a talk with that kid.
05:05By the way, Jack, isn't Phil going to join us tonight?
05:07Yeah, he'll drop by as soon as he finishes night school.
05:10Say, Dennis, while we're waiting around for him, let's hear that song you're going to do on the program Sunday.
05:14Yeah, get over to the piano, kid.
05:16Okay.
05:17Oh, say, Rochester, did you ask our boarder, Mr. Billingsley, to tune the piano?
05:21He's very good at it, you know.
05:22We should have never let him monkey with it, boss.
05:24Oh, what's he done now?
05:26That man's crazy.
05:27He cleaned the piano keys with dental floss.
05:31Oh, Mr. Billingsley must think he's a dentist again.
05:35It's a fine way to clean piano keys.
05:36He said the black ones were decayed, so he pulled them out.
05:39Oh, my goodness.
05:49He broke eight needles trying to give the leg Novocaine.
05:55Well, it's my own fault, I guess.
05:57Well, do the best you can, Dennis.
05:58Go ahead.
06:00Wait a minute, I'll answer it.
06:02Hello?
06:04Oh, hello, Phil.
06:05Are you still at night school?
06:06We're waiting for you.
06:08What?
06:10She's keeping you after school.
06:11What happened, Jack?
06:12Well, Phil got a zero in spelling, so he gave the teacher a hot foot.
06:18Look, Phil, is your teacher anywhere near the phone?
06:22Well, tell her your father wants to talk to her.
06:25Yeah, yeah, your father.
06:27What are you going to do, Jack?
06:28I'm going to pretend to be Phil's father.
06:29You know, I'll talk like an old rube.
06:31Well, you got the right underwear for it.
06:34Quiet, now, don't mix me up.
06:36Hello?
06:37Oh, hello, miss.
06:38This is Twitch Harris, Sr. talking.
06:40Now, look, ma'am, I've got to see my boy, Philip, right away, so I wish you'd let him off tonight.
06:45I'll write you a note explaining everything.
06:47I said I'd write you a note.
06:50That's a good one.
06:51What'd she say?
06:52She wants to know how come I can write and Phil can't.
06:55Well, okay, thanks a lot, ma'am.
07:04Say, what are you doing later?
07:07Hee, hee, hee.
07:08Well, you can't shoot a man for trying.
07:10Goodbye.
07:11Well, it's all set, fellas.
07:12Phil will be here pretty soon.
07:13You know, that teacher sure had a sweet voice.
07:15I could kind of go for her.
07:17But, Jack, you don't even know what she looks like.
07:19Anything he gets is gravy.
07:20I don't know about that, sister.
07:24Sing, Dennis.
07:25See this pitchfork, Mary?
07:26You're going to get it.
07:27Now, you wait.
07:38Hey, that was all right, Dennis.
07:40That song ought to go over swell, Sunday.
07:42Thanks, Mr. Benny.
07:43Can I have something to eat?
07:44Yeah, I'm hungry, too.
07:45Haven't you got any sandwiches?
07:47I've got donuts and cider.
07:48That's all you're supposed to have on Halloween.
07:50Bring in the donuts, Rochester.
07:52They're right here, boss.
07:53Oh, yes.
07:54Here, have a donut, Mary.
07:55They're nice and fresh.
07:56I made them myself.
07:57Gee, friends, look at the size of the holes you got in them.
08:02Never mind.
08:03They look like ladies' garters.
08:07Quiet, will you?
08:08Oh, what she said.
08:18Dinner.
08:22Dinner.
08:25No use waiting.
08:27I've got to have a talk with that kid.
08:32Here, Don.
08:34Don, have a donut.
08:35Have a donut and some of this sweet cider.
08:38Thanks.
08:39I think I'll have a glass of that myself.
08:41Pretty strong, Jack.
08:43Strong?
08:43Let me taste this.
08:44Well, I'll be darned.
08:47Oh, Rochester.
08:51Yes, boy.
08:53What did you put in this cider?
08:57A little Central Avenue vitamin.
09:09There's Jim in there.
09:11Now, now throw that cider out the window.
09:16You ain't going to throw mine out.
09:18Dennis, you're not drinking any hard cider.
09:20You're a baby kangaroo.
09:21Oh, I can't hop on milk.
09:25Let Don hop.
09:26Now, you get back in that pouch.
09:28Okay.
09:29See you later, fellas.
09:32Now, stay there.
09:34Gee, I wish Phil would get here so we can go ahead.
09:37Oh, Jack, look who's coming.
09:39Where?
09:40Oh, yes, it's Mr. Billingsley.
09:41Look, he's dressed like Marie Antoinette.
09:44Yeah.
09:45Oh, uh, oh, hello, Mr. Billingsley.
09:47Good evening, Mr. Benny.
09:49Having a little party, I see.
09:54Yes, yes, yes.
09:56By the way, Mr. Billingsley, uh, you're dressed as Marie Antoinette.
10:00Are you going to a masquerade?
10:02No, my head aches, so I'm going to have it cut off.
10:04Oh.
10:08Oh.
10:09Oh, oh, I thought you were celebrating Halloween like we are.
10:13You see, I'm Satan, and Miss Livingston is Pocahontas, and Mr. Wilson is a kangaroo.
10:18I used to be an alligator once, and now I'm an old bag.
10:21Well, well, see you later.
10:31Good night, Mr. Benny.
10:32Good night.
10:33That's one way to look at it.
10:42Hmm.
10:42Strange fellow.
10:45The other morning for breakfast, he swallowed a raw egg and then drank boiling water for three minutes.
10:52I don't know.
10:57Well, there's Phil.
10:58Come on in, Phil.
11:00Hiya, Jackson.
11:01Hello, everybody.
11:01Oh, hello, Phil.
11:02Hi.
11:03I'm glad you got here, Phil.
11:04We want to get going.
11:05I'm sorry, but I didn't have time to put no costume on.
11:08Don't worry.
11:08Your tailor takes care of that.
11:13Hey, Phil, uh, what, uh, what happened between you and the teacher?
11:17Oh, she got mad at me when we were having our spelling lesson.
11:20Oh, what was the trouble?
11:21She asked me to spell Pomeranian.
11:24Pomeranian?
11:24So I said D-O-G.
11:26Take it or leave it.
11:31Well, at least you knew Pomeranian was a dog.
11:33That's something, huh?
11:34Well, we're all here, so come on, fellas.
11:36Let's go.
11:36Hey, Don.
11:37You put on a lot of weight since last week.
11:39That's Dennis.
11:40It's a long story.
11:42Come on, everybody.
11:48Let's go.
11:49Oh, Rochester.
11:50Rochester, before you leave, be sure and lock the garage so that nobody damages the Maxwell.
11:54Okay.
11:55Remember last year, some kid got in there and turned it over.
11:58Yeah, we drove around for three days without even noticing.
12:03I noticed it.
12:04It was bumpy as anything.
12:06All right, this way, fellas.
12:07We'll all go out the side door.
12:08Boy, we'll really, we'll really have fun tonight.
12:13You know, kids, first we'll go next door to Ronald Coleman's house, see?
12:17And then we'll go...
12:18Jack, here comes that little boy you hired as a gag man.
12:20Let's take him along.
12:22Oh, Belly Laff Barton, eh?
12:24Ah, hello, kid.
12:25Hello, Mr. Benny.
12:26Say, Belly.
12:27Do you, uh, want to go out with us tonight?
12:29We're going to ring doorbells and raise the dickens.
12:32You're a little adolescent, aren't you, bub?
12:40Oh, we'll enjoy ourselves.
12:42Sorry we won't come along.
12:43By the way, how's the, uh, program coming along for Sunday?
12:46If I tell you, you won't have any fun tonight.
12:50Well, get busy and concentrate.
12:51Come on, fellas.
12:52Now, I'll tell you what, kids.
12:53First, we'll sneak across the lawn to Ronald Coleman's house and put some white paint on the doorknob, see?
12:57Then we'll ring the bell, and when he comes out, we'll run like the dickens.
13:02Gee, I, I rang Coleman's bell three times.
13:07Why doesn't he come out?
13:08Maybe he went to a party or something.
13:09Couldn't be a big party or I'd have been invited.
13:12Ronnie and I attend the same affairs.
13:14Only he doesn't have to crawl in the window.
13:17Well, these Hollywood parties, who knows whether you got an invitation or not.
13:22Hey, fellas, I've got an idea.
13:24As long as Coleman isn't home, let's take this beautiful sundial here and put it over on my front lawn.
13:30His sundial?
13:31Yeah, it'll be a swell gag.
13:33Three years ago, you took his flagpole.
13:35When's the gag over?
13:39Oh, get in the Halloween spirit, will you?
13:41Come on, fellas, give me a hand with this dial.
13:43Hey, Jack, look.
13:44There's a policeman walking by the house.
13:45A policeman?
13:46Uh-oh.
13:47Hello there.
13:48Is that you, Mr. Coleman?
13:50Get this, fellas.
13:51Right, Joe.
13:52Thanks for asking, old boy.
13:53Terribly decent of you.
13:55Good night.
13:56Tip-tip.
13:56Hmm, I, I, I certainly fooled the blighter.
14:06Take that donut out of your eye.
14:07You're not Coleman anymore.
14:10Oh, yes.
14:11Say, fellas, we'll never budge this sundial.
14:13It's too heavy.
14:14I'll have to phone for some movers.
14:16I'll tell you what, though.
14:21Look, let's, let's go over to Basil Rathbone.
14:24Does he live near here, Jackson?
14:25Yeah, right past my house on the other side of the street.
14:28Come on.
14:31Ooh, darn this tail I keep tripping on.
14:38Hmm, look at that light in my kitchen.
14:40Belly lap is in there eating me out of house and home.
14:42All the writers with ulcers, and I had to get him.
14:54Oh, well.
14:55Oh, Jack, look at this.
14:57Where?
14:58Hey, wait a minute.
14:59Who wrote this on my sidewalk?
15:00Jell-O has that new locked-in flavor.
15:02The flavor never goes away.
15:04We put it in, and it's there to stay.
15:06Who did this?
15:07Don't look at me.
15:08Kangaroos can't write.
15:08Oh, yeah?
15:11Now, Don, you go get a rag and wipe it off.
15:13I'll tell the spy, sir.
15:15All right, you big fat paddletail.
15:16Leave it there.
15:19Now, follow me.
15:20Follow me across the street, fellas.
15:21And we'll go to Rathbone's house.
15:25Quiet now.
15:26See, we'll fix him good.
15:28Which house is it, Jackson?
15:29Wait a minute.
15:31I don't know whether this is Rathbone's house or the next one.
15:34I think it's this one.
15:35No, no, it's the next one.
15:36This is where Charles Boyer lives.
15:38Oh, that's right.
15:40Say, let's pull some gag on him.
15:41Yeah, maybe he's got a sandal we can lift.
15:45Now, I'll just sneak up and ring his doorbell.
15:47Wait here, fellas.
15:48Hey, Jackson, Nick, here comes that cop again.
15:50Uh-oh.
15:51Hello there.
15:52Is that you, Mr. Boyer?
15:54Here I go again, fellas.
15:56Oh, good evening, officer.
15:59Beautiful night.
16:01Beautiful.
16:04Yes, it is.
16:05Good night, Mr. Boyer.
16:07Bon Sawyer.
16:12Hmm.
16:13Lucky I can speak French.
16:16Hey, Jack, let's get away from here.
16:17The policeman's liable to come back.
16:19He might at that.
16:19I'll tell you what.
16:20Let's go through this driveway and speak over to Rathbone's backyard.
16:23Now, follow me, fellas.
16:24Everybody quiet.
16:25Well, here we are.
16:42See, it's dark tonight.
16:44Hey, where did Phil disappear to?
16:45I don't know.
16:46Where is he, Don?
16:47He was with us a minute ago.
16:48Have you seen him, Dennis?
16:49He's not in here.
16:50Of course not.
17:05Here he comes now.
17:07Where have you been, Phil?
17:08Boy, am I wet.
17:09Why didn't you tell me that Rathbone had a swimming pool?
17:12Why don't you watch where you're going?
17:13I swallowed enough water to last me the rest of my life.
17:16Well, it didn't hurt you to go on the wagon even for a second.
17:18Now, wait here, kids.
17:22I'm going up and knock on the door.
17:23When Rathbone comes out, hide in the bushes.
17:25Wow, will he be furious?
17:27Oh, be careful now, Jack.
17:28Don't worry about me.
17:29Now, quiet.
17:34Get ready, fellas.
17:37Yahoo!
17:37Yahoo!
17:48Darn those milk bottles.
17:54I hope I didn't cut myself.
17:56Am I bleeding, Mary?
17:57With what?
18:02With blood.
18:03I've got it.
18:04The idea of leaving...
18:05Horse light just went on, Jack.
18:06Quick, pick me up.
18:07Here comes Rathbone.
18:07Quiet, everybody.
18:09Yes, yes, yes.
18:11Who's there?
18:12Anybody there?
18:12Yeah.
18:12Yeah.
18:12Yeah.
18:12Yeah.
18:12Yeah.
18:12Yeah.
18:12Yeah.
18:13Yeah.
18:13Yeah.
18:13Yeah.
18:14Yeah.
18:14Yeah.
18:15Yeah.
18:15Yeah.
18:16Yeah.
18:18I say, is anybody there?
18:23Ah, must be some of those Halloween pranksters.
18:24Now, look here, you children.
18:26I don't want any more of this disturbance.
18:28I've got to get up early in the morning.
18:29I'm making a picture.
18:30What a ham.
18:37Quiet.
18:37While I catch you around here again tonight,
18:39I'll give you all a sudden good thrashing.
18:41Now, go away, all of you, scat.
18:45Oh, boy, is he...
18:46Is he burned up?
18:48Boy, am I going to make his life miserable tonight.
18:50Wait a minute.
18:51What do you got against Rathbone?
18:52Jack hates it because he can act.
18:56That's all.
18:57I like to see him imitate Boye like I did.
18:59Now, fellas, this time I'm going to grab this big rock here
19:01and throw it up against the door.
19:02Oh, you can't take those steps again, eh, Daddy?
19:06I can climb, only this will be more annoying.
19:08Now, here goes.
19:09I'm going to throw the rock.
19:10One.
19:11Phil, what are you doing back there?
19:12Nothing.
19:12Well, get away.
19:14Two.
19:15Three.
19:16Go.
19:16Holy smoke, I broke a window.
19:20There goes the porch light again.
19:21Quick, fellas, run.
19:22He's coming out.
19:23Whoops.
19:24Well, I'll be...
19:25Hey, what is this?
19:26Come on, Jack, hurry!
19:28Run, run!
19:28I can't run.
19:29That darn Phil Harris tied my tail to this bush.
19:41Gee, what a spot.
19:43Gee, I hope Rathbone doesn't see me.
19:45May I ever get my hands a little...
19:46Ah-ha!
19:48Who's hiding there?
19:49Who's in back of that bush?
19:52Hmm.
19:53Right now, I'd give $1,000 to be playing Salt Lake City.
20:01Gee, here he comes.
20:03Well, may I inquire the name of the moron behind that mask who goes around breaking windows?
20:08Who are you?
20:09Gee.
20:10Come, come, come, men.
20:10Speak up.
20:11Stop.
20:13Ah, Basil.
20:14I'm only making the jaw.
20:15It is me, Charles Boyer.
20:18Mr. Benny, your accent is revolting.
20:26Oh, oh, oh, hello, Basil.
20:28Hello.
20:29How'd you know it was me?
20:30You wore that same costume last Halloween when you tipped over my doghouse.
20:34Oh.
20:35I want that dog back.
20:36Where is he?
20:39Well, he had pups today.
20:40You're a fine Sherlock Holmes.
20:46Now, look, Basil.
20:47I'm sorry I threw that rock.
20:48It was an accident.
20:49Accident or no accident, you'll pay for that window.
20:51All right, all right.
20:52I'll pay for it.
20:54Mr. Benny, what are you doing?
20:57I'm untying my tail.
20:58What do you think I'm doing?
21:01I'm very sorry about the whole thing, Basil.
21:03I won't bother you anymore tonight.
21:04I'll go and join my gang.
21:05I suppose you're going to continue this mischievous business.
21:08Well, well, listen.
21:09To tell you the truth, we're going over to Charles Lawton's house.
21:11You know those flower pots he's got on his front porch?
21:14Yes.
21:14Well, listen, we're going to tip him over one by one.
21:16He'll go crazy when he hears that racket.
21:18I dare say, Lawton has a fierce temper.
21:19You said it.
21:21Well, so long, Basil.
21:22Happy Halloween.
21:23Goodbye.
21:26Lawton's house, eh?
21:29Flower pots.
21:30Wait a minute, Jack.
21:31Oh, boy, I'm going with you.
21:34What?
21:34You're going to join us?
21:35I'll tell my wife.
21:36Be back later, darling.
21:38Hey, fellas, have I got a surprise for you?
21:40Come on, Basil.
21:41Yippee!
21:42Here, listen.
21:42Here's what we'll do.
21:43First, we'll go to Lawton's house.
21:45Then we'll go over to Claudette Colbert's and ring the doorbell, see?
21:47And when she comes out, I'll grab her and kiss her, and you can kiss her, too.
21:51This is the last number of the fifth program in the current Jell-O series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time.
22:07And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank Mr. Rathbone for appearing on our program tonight.
22:11Also, at this time, I would like to announce that the motion picture drive for the Community Chess this year starts tomorrow, November 3rd.
22:18I'm sure that all of us here in Hollywood will do our bit, and I hope all of you will contribute to your local chapters.
22:23Good night, everybody.
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